I Am Done, Go Away Song! Ole!

A lot of noise has been made about Idol's ratings this year, so I did some research just to see how bad it really is. Naturally I turned to Wikipedia. I compared the Top 9 ratings over the last 12 seasons and here are the results:

Season 12: 11.65M viewers (The Beatles)
Season 11: 17.87M viewers (Their Personal Idols with Stevie Nicks)
Season 10: 23.03M viewers (Rock & Roll Hall of Fame with will.i.am)
Season 9: 20.84M viewers (Lennon-McCarthy songbook)
Season 8: 24.41M viewers (iTunes downloads)
Season 7: 26.12M viewers (Dolly Parton)
Season 6: 26.67M viewers (American Classics with Tony Bennett)
Season 5: 28.83M viewers (Country)
Season 4: 24.5M viewers (Classic Broadway)
Season 3: 23.5M viewers (Elton John)
Season 2: 21.2M viewers (Disco with Verdine White)
Season 1: 10.77M viewers (1960's)

So contrary to what has reported this season doesn't have the worst ratings in Idol's history; that honor still goes to Season 1. However, when we consider that Season 1 was during the summer and was before American Idol: The Search for a Superstar became Idol, then yes, they are really sucking wind this season.

I know y'all want to blame Nicki Minaj for this, but me, I blame Nigel. His quest to get a chick winner this year knows no bounds or reason and as a result the tweener chicks who used to adore this show have left in droves. Not only are the total viewers half of what they were just two years ago so are the 18-45 ratings that Fox executives love so much. Maybe that's why the dudes are getting eliminated so quickly.

To illustrate Nigel's evil plans there is tonight's theme: Rock and Roll songs with no ballads allowed, otherwise known as Nigel's blatant attempt to get tweener chick fave Lazaro off the show. Nigel knows this bambino can only sing sappy ballads so what better way to mess Lazaro up than by banning sappy ballads?

The show tonight began with a video history lesson on rock and roll for all you kids out there who think rock started with John Mayer and Maroon 5. The video included a list of the rock artists whose songs would be butchered tonight, including such cutting edge artists such as Queen, Billy Joel, and Heart. I'm surprised no one sang an Elton John or Bryan Adams song.

Trained Seal name dropped Carrie Underwood and Michael Jackson when introducing Orianthi, some Aussie guitar chick who sat in with the band tonight. Apparently she's a big deal or something. After all, she is part of Alice Cooper's band and has appeared as a guitarist at James Durbin's stage shows. You might remember James as the dude from Idol Season 10 who loved pro wrestling and was that season's designated poser.

Each contestant's video featured their fellow competitors talking trash about them. To save me some time I'll save those comments until the end. Andy Cap was neither seen nor heard in any of the videos. He must be on vacation this week.

Tonight's Death Spot went to Burnell since Nigel smells blood and sees an opportunity to get rid of both dudes as soon as possible. His version of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name" was decent; borderline karaoke but not as screechy as his other recent efforts. Indeed his screeching fit in well with the song. The backup singers are in fine leather tonight in line with the theme, in particular the Asian chick who seems to be getting as much airtime as the contestants this season. Works for me. Mr. Kidman thought Burnell looked uncomfortable singing rock and roll. Jaws thought Burnell looked like a teddy bear. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and got booed for giving Burnell technical advice on how to sing up tempo songs. Glitter Girl traveled down Memory Lane and was proud of Burnell for learning all the lyrics. Burnell admitted to Trained Seal that his chose this song because it's the only rock song he knows.

Next was the first duet of the night, Lazaro and Angie taking on Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". The first half of the song featured Lazaro slurring his words and Angie flirting with the mic in her hot shorts. Then of course Lazaro forgot the lyrics again and Angie gave him a nasty look, perhaps fearing that Lazaro is going to sink her chances of winning like he did Devin's. The performance came short of a train wreck but it was not good, very karaoke. If he keeps this up then no one is going to want to sing with Lazaro ever again. Both Glitter Girl and Trained Seal made excuses for Lazaro again by pointing out that he only learned the song yesterday. Glitter Girl also name dropped Freddie Mercury. Mr. Kidman thought the performance was too klitchy and variety show-ish. Jaws butted in to claim that this was the effect that Lazaro and Angie were going for. Keith did compliment Lazaro for not looking like a Candy Man like he has been the last several weeks. Neither Lazaro nor Angie were willing to tell Trained Seal what Lazaro had whispered in Angie's ear when they were done singing. Betcha it wasn't an apology.

As dependable as death and taxes there's always one chick who sings a Janis Joplin song during Idol rock week, and this year it was Kree Harrison who did "Piece of My Heart." Despite the fact that she had a pinched nerve she sang her song well as usual. I must say though that Kree's performances are starting to get repetitive, even down to her motions on stage. This is not promising for her chances of winning. Lord help her if she ever gets stuck singing a duet with Lazaro. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and thought Kree was interesting. Glitter Girl laid out Kree's future career. Mr. Kidman felt uncomfortable criticizing Kree after her intro video talked about how she liked to iron the other contestant's shirts. He then asked Kree how it was like to perform in the heeled boots she was wearing, which left everyone confused since she's been wearing the same boots every week. It was then that Kree revealed that she had a pinched nerve in her back. Jaws told Kree "your outta here" and meant it as a compliment. Trained Seal asked Kree to talk about the fact that she was born in the same hospital as Janis and how her grandma was one of Janis' classmates.

Burnell came back with Candice Glover to do a jazzy duet of Joe Cocker's version of "The Letter". Burnell's nasally screeching returned along with Candice's loud belting. Still, Burnell managed not to get too overpowered by his tag team partner, even without his Urkel glasses to distract the audience. Jaws claimed she had run out of words to describe Candice's voice so she made a few of them up so she can keep criticizing her, but then screamed "excellent job" to avoid getting booed. Sole Survivor thanked God for Candice's voice.

Janelle Arthur gave a shout out to her fans at Lincoln's Grill in Tennessee during her Coca-Cola Treatment. While I'm saving the video descriptions until the end I should mention here that Lazaro thought Janelle would be the kind of girl that you would find standing on the road in the middle of a corn field. Lord help Lazaro if he ever gets stuck in a duet with Janelle after that comment. She sang Billy Joel's "You May Be Right" in glittery stone boots and a perm. The sort of country arrangement was OK, though I wondered while Janelle was singing whether or not she understood that the song is about a bad boy trying to win over a good girl. Janelle is no bad girl. For example, she told Mr. Kidman that she wore the boots because it "fit the whole rock thing cuz they're stone." Keith though Richie Sanbora would want those boots for some odd reason, maybe it's the whole rock thing. Jaws told Keith that he was no longer allowed to comment on clothes and then asked Janelle if she could wear her boots. Sole Survivor continued the trend by asking if he could wear Janelle's vest. After the break, we saw Jaws wearing the boots and Sole Survivor with the vest draped over his shoulders.

Even though ballads were banned Lazaro outsmarted Nigel by singing the rock ballad "We Are The Champions". This time it sounded like he knew all the lyrics but he slurred about half of them so it was hard to tell for sure. He also laid on the Cuban accent really thick to remind the cougars of one of his sob stories and pranced around the stage to remind the tweener chicks why they should keep voting for him. Jaws loved the "Hispanic tease" and compared Lazaro to crack juice. Surprisingly the Fox censors didn't bleep that comment. Mr. Kidman loved Lazaro's matador move at the end of the song, as if he were saying "I am done, go away song!" Jaws interrupted Keith to name drop Ricky Martin. Sole Survivor asked Trained Seal to do some meringue. Ryan's response was that "no one's going under the bus tonight."

The last group number was the trio of Janelle, Kree, and Amber Holcomb singing "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me". It was very much like the group numbers during the results shows that I always fast forward through, competent but karaoke. Janelle missed a lyric but no one but me caught it. Amber rocked the stage with torn jeans that showed more skin than denim. Sole Survivor dropped 6 WOWs but no YOs. Both Glitter Girl and Mr. Kidman raved about Billy Joel's lyrics. Jaws name dropped Jem and the Holograms (though not identifying which of the three was Jem) and compared Amber's look to Naomi Campbell's. Despite all that Nicki thought the song was cheesy and boring and got booed.

Candice Glover talked about Lazaro's special powers during her Coca Cola Treatment. Burnell had talked Candice into playing an April Fool's joke on Lazaro by trying to convince him that the group house was on fire. Not only was Lazaro not fooled but somehow during the joke Candice broke one of her toes. That makes two chick contestants tonight that played through pain. Candice showed off her low register as well as her usual power notes while singing the Stones' "Satisfaction". While doing the research on the ratings I learned that Candice was cut each of the last three seasons before this year, which of course Sole Survivor would just as soon we not remember. It was the usual awesome stuff from Candice, though like Kree I worry that she's becoming too repetitive. Glitter Girl still wanted Candice to sing a sappy ballad. Jaws was still bored and booed herself. Sole Survivor name dropped Tina Turner again and claimed that the key to singing rock songs was having the right attitude.

Amber Holcomb came back with tight shorts and another ballad on No Ballad night, Heart's "What About Love". Both the fog machine and the fireworks in the back were working so hard that Amber and her hot legs could hardly been seen. She could definitely be heard with her power notes but her pitch was all over the place. For me it was not one of her best, so of course the judges drooled all over it. Mr. Kidman loved Amber's song choice and her shoes. Jaws name dropped Lil Wayne and claimed she sampled this song years ago. Sole Survivor dropped both a YO and a Whitney. Trained Seal gave a shout out to Amber's sister Lisa, on leave from the Army and in the audience tonight.

After the break Trained Seal interviewed Joshua Ledet and Hollie Cavanaugh from last season's cast. Joshua will be performing at the White House next week. Hollie showed off yet another accent.

Tonight's closer was the dramatic Angie Miller, who sang a dramatic song "Give Me To Life" by Evanescence. Kudos to Angie for selecting a song that was written in this century. To please the judges she started at the piano, then to have fun she stood up and got blown around by the stage fan that blew down Amber a couple weeks ago. I still don't like this chick but it was a good vocal and an inspired song choice. Somebody did their homework. All the judges agreed with me on the song choice. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and two names that I didn't recognize. Mr. Kidman was his usual indirect critical self by advising Angie to feel the songs more. Trained Seal reminded everyone that Andy Cap was still in the cast when he asked Angie about Jimmy's comments about how dramatic Angie is.

Trained Seal saluted us Dick Clark style and sent us off right at 10:00.

Things We Learned Tonight: Lots tonight since the contestants were asked to trash each other in their video intros. Burnell is infatuated with Amber and has a NOLA accent so strong that none of the other contestants can understand what he's saying. Kree knows "everyone", is a hugger, likes to iron the other contestant's shirts, and was born in the same hospital as Janis Joplin. Janelle is "counnntree", is a drama queen, gets laughed at by Burnell, and wears a size 6 cowboy boot. Lazaro has special powers and is impressing la chicas with his bright clothes, but is not Elvis. Candice has her own room and a love/hate relationship with both Burnell and Nicki. Amber talks to herself, loves taking pictures of herself, has a sister in the Army, and is uncomfortable about Burnell's infatuation. Angie is a champion speed clapper and can stare down anyone. Sole Survivor would wear a vest with fringes and thinks the secret to singing rock songs is having the right attitude. Glitter Girl can visualize careers. Mr. Kidman can't critique a chick who irons other people's shirts, is no longer allowed to critique the contestants' fashion sense, thinks Billy Joel wrote some cool songs, and can spot physical ailments from a distance. Trained Seal can spot chemistry from a distance, knows the full name of "Satisfaction", and is stronger than he looks. Jaws has a clothing line and wears a size 5 shoe. Rihanna is taking on the world. Jennifer Hudson has got the power. The Rolling Stones are coming to town. I've become infatuated with the Asian chick backup singer.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Angie Miller finally put her dramatic style to good use with a dramatic song choice. Kree and Candice fought through the pain to stay on pace as the front runners. Honorable mention to Amber and her wardrobe choices.

Idol Gives Back: No surprise that Devin was headed out the door after Lazaro had sabotaged their group number. The only surprise was that Burnell was in the Bottom 3 along with them. I would have never guessed that the tweener and cougar chicks would have allowed the show to go this far without a chick eliminated.

The Final Score: 2 ballads on No Ballads night; 6 big notes; 4 short skirts; 5 YOs and 6 WOWs from Sole Survivor; 4 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 1 mention of a former Idol winner; 4 mentions of former Idol contestants; 3 K-word mentions; 12 name drops: 4 from Sole Survivor, 4 from Jaws, 2 from Trained Seal, 1 from Mr. Kidman, and even 1 from Glitter Girl; 2 physical injuries; 2 vests; 3 comments about shoes; Giants 5, Dodgers 3; Sharks 4, Wild 2; and no sign of Andy Cap.

The Fearless Prediction: This week may be the true test of how many tweener chicks still watch this show since Lazaro's future will be on depending on it. Burnell is likely to be in the Bottom 3 again as his performances tonight weren't really all that inspiring and he was dropped into the death spot by Nigel. There has to be a chick in the Bottom 3 since there's only 2 dudes left. My guess is that it will be Janelle since Angie is still getting pimped, Amber is still getting pushed, and both Kree and Candice may get sympathy votes for playing through the pain, though to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if either Kree or Candice end up in the bottom 3 because they're starting to be repetitive. Good, but repetitive. But neither of them are going home, because even if they get the lowest number of votes Nigel will demand that the judges use their save to keep them on the show. The same may apply to Janelle too. No matter, my prediction is that the judges save will be saved for another week and it'll be Lazaro's time to go.

Adios!