It Takes Two To Tango

For the first time in Idol history, or so Ryan claimed, two separate auditions were featured in the same one hour show. After the obligatory reference to West Side Story, we first went to New York where Trained Seal told us “the crowd is full of it.” Confidence that is.

First up was 19 year old Adeola Adegoke from The Bronx, NY, though her accent suggested an African ancestry. She was not lacking for confidence. She compared herself to Mariah and Mary J and quit her job as a bank teller to go to Hollywood. Adeola attempted the Jennifer Hudson version of “And I’m Telling You” and it was clear from the offset that it was not a good song choice for her little voice. After Simon pointed that out she went into full begging mode, and when that did not work she just started singing again. That, as usual, did not work either. Simon felt sorry for her though, and called Adeola’s old boss and got her back her job.

The first entrant from San Juan was 20 year old Jorge Nunez from Carolina, PR. He sang the Spanish version of “My Way” and it was muy bueno, with lots of passion and rolling rrrrrs. Paula challenged Jorge to sing a song in English, just to show that he can. After a brief rendition of “Wonderful World” he was off to El Hollywood.

The New York auditions were held in some place next to the Hudson, so close that there was a sailboat parked just outside the window that kept bobbing up and down behind the judges. That had to have been a distraction to the singers. It sure was for me.

Back to San Juan we met 20 year old Jessika (with a K) Byer from Jackson, MI. So why did she travel all the way from Michigan to Puerto Rico to audition for Idol? Because she won the trip in a contest, that’s why. Indeed Jessika was quite the contest queen. She claimed that she was making a living out of winning over 400 contests and that she had what it takes to win this one. I suspect someone else has been paying her bills though. We will never know for sure because Jessika did a loud and sloppy version of Celine Dion’s “I Surrender.” Simon waved the white flag early and Jessika could not understand why. The other judges attempted to console her but Captain Jack just wanted them to give a yes or a no and get her out of there.

Melinda Camille, a 21 year old earth child from Stratford, CT, wanted to send a message of peace, love, and understanding to the world through her performance. Melinda emanated an enticing aura, especially when she revealed that she loved to dance naked. That certainly got Randy and Kara’s attention, and mine too. It helped that she was an attractive lady. Horny Chick wanted to know if Melinda wanted to be naked in front of them. Melinda said yes but only if the judges stripped down too. Kara seemed ready to go but could not get the others to join her. Instead, Melinda agreed to sing “Feeling Good” while imagining Sexual Chocolate naked. Surprisingly this didn't seem to faze her as it would have me. The judges are energized and send her off with 4 yeses.

In between takes Trained Seal rocked with a poser in New York and consoled a bunch of losers in San Juan.

From New York we next heard from 27 year old Jackie Tohm from Silver Lake, CA. Jackie claimed that she was a professional entertainer and sang Jason Moran’s “I’m Yours” as if she was Tom Waits’ sister. Captain Jack cut her off just before she got to the best part and asked her to actually sing her second song. She actually had a decent singing voice once we heard it but her facial expressions were scary. Randy liked the husky voice and said yes. Simon started into what sounded like positive criticism when the window behind the judges collapsed. I think the sailboat pushed it in or something. Jackie still got her Hollywood ticket despite the incident on the set.

Perhaps to make up for the bland Salt Lake City auditions we saw last night, the Idol producers treated us to two crazy folks tonight. From San Juan was 23 year old Jose Contreras, the Roquero Loco (“Crazy Rocker”). He throws himself into metal roll-up doors! He screams songs about ice cream! He roams the street dressed as a perro and a gato! Jose entered the audition room dressed as an iPod, and right away Horny Chick wanted to press Play. He actually had a decent singing voice but he hid it well behind a bunch of over the top antics. When Jose realized it would be a no he pulled out a finger puppet to plead his case. I've seen lots of beggars and pleaders, including many tonight, but that was the first time I've seen a finger puppet appear during one of these rants. After all his begging, he ran off to celebrate getting a no by doing a back flip into the pool.

The second loco of the night was 27 year old Nick Mitchell, a.k.a. “Norman Gentle”, from Brookfield, CT. “Norman” is what my Pop would call a “flamer”, and he ain't talking about matches. He too tried “And I’m Telling You” and Simon kept whining about Nick’s attempts at humor. From here I’ll let Captain Jack and “Norman” speak for themselves:

Simon: “You told me you weren't going to make this funny.”
Nick: “You hurt me where, you get kicked sometimes. That was very hard.”
Simon: “I’d thought you’d quite like that.”
Nick: “You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?” (With a dramatic pose)
All the judges: “Woooh!”
Nick: “What do you say now Simon?”

“Norman” agreed to sing something seriously, but needed a chair and glasses before he could start “Amazing Grace”. The seriousness lasted about 5 seconds as everyone pretty much expected. Paula blurted out a yes, Kara wanted to see him again, Simon was an expected no, and the pressure was on Randy to decide “Norman’s” fate. Though he will probably regret it come Hollywood Week, Sexual Chocolate said yes and Nick was off to Hollywood.

Much of the show featured quick medleys of both winners and losers, mostly losers. To save me some sleep time I've given up trying to recap them all. If they were good you’ll see them after Hollywood Week.

16 year old Monique Garcia Torres from San Juan, PR, brought a not so-secret weapon into the audition with her, her precious 9 year old brother Christopher. Christopher and Paula bonded in the lobby beforehand, and he came into the audition room with a seashell gift for Drunk Chick. The other judges wanted gifts too, and the quick thinking kid claimed the shell was for all of them. Little Christopher was confident that his sister would sing well, assuring the judges that he thought they would love it. Monique first tried The Supremes’ “You Can’t Hurry Love”, which was clearly not Christopher’s song choice. Simon asked Monique to sing Christopher’s choice, Christina Aguilera’s “I Turn to You.” I thought she had potential, but both Randy and Kara thought she was not ready. Paula blurted out a yes as if she just downed a shot, and now it was Simon who was on the hot seat. Unable to bring himself to say no to Christopher’s sister, that old softy Captain Jack said yes and gave Monique her golden ticket.

Just before we said goodbye to the auditions this season we were treated to a return visit from one of last year’s more memorable psychos, Alexis Cohen from Philadelphia, PA. You might remember last season Alexis came into the Philly auditions all dolled up in heavy eye shadow and glitter everywhere, and then after her inevitable rejection she went off on a long, bird flippin’, cuss swearin’ rant about how evil Simon was. This time it was an all new Alexis. No make-up, no glitter, lots of politeness, and even wearing a dress. Her singing, though, appeared to have gotten worse and she was quickly rejected. No rant this time, but for old time sake she gave Captain Jack the double bird as she left.

Our last contestant was 20 year old Patricia Lewis Roman from Caguas, PR. She brought her entire 20-person family to her audition including her parents, who were married in the same room that was hosting the auditions. She belted out a loud and just over-the-top version of Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”, a song choice that was panned by both Randy and Simon as they always do when someone tries that song. Patricia was given a second chance and did a nice rendition of a ballad in Spanish. Randy said sí but Paula, without explanation, said no. It appears Drunk Chick doesn't like it when contestants sing in español. Who knows what Kara and Simon thought but at least one of them said yes because Patricia came out with a ticket to lead a conga line that Sexual Chocolate rushed out to join.

Only 9 golden tickets were issued in San Juan, confirming the rumors about how bad that audition was. New York made up for it with 26 golden tickets, the highest of any of the audition sites this season.

For the fifth straight show the Idol producers closed the show with the same Hollywood Week promo with Simon saying how confident he was that they will find a star this season, applause for the blind guy from the Phoenix auditions, and lots of shouting, tears, and people behaving badly. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up with all the fun and games.

The Wonderful World of Utah

I thought I was feeling better after yesterday but this virus has a second kick to it like a bottle of cheap whiskey. Therefore, I will again endeavor to keep this recap somewhat brief. I still hope that I’ll be fully recovered by Hollywood Week, especially if it is anywhere near as good as the Idol producers have been promoting it.

Tonight’s auditions were in Salt Lake City, Utah, which as you might remember was the hometown of last season’s Wonder Boy David Archuleta. However, unlike earlier auditions in Phoenix and Kansas City that frequently featured Jordin Sparks and David Cook respectively, we only get a single glimpse of the wonder child, either because he didn't win last year or because Archie’s stage dad demanded a high appearance fee for his precious boy.

First up was another annoying squeaky clean boy, 29 year old David Osmond from Ogden, UT. Yes, he is a son of an Osmond, in this case Alan. David didn't inherit the Osmond teeth but he did inherit his Dad’s Multiple Sclerosis. He made a hard pitch for Sob Story of the Night but since he was an Osmond he had a tall hill to climb. He also inherited the Osmond singing gene, as he demonstrated with a decent version of Take 6’s “Something Within Me.” The judges were not all that impressed and told David that they weren't sure he could be a front man. I guess they were looking for someone cockier. From an Osmond? Get real. Of course since he was a featured ringer he got a ticket to Hollywood.

21 year old Tara Mathews claimed to be the only Goth in Salt Lake City and that she had ESP. Randy and Paula, being the bright ones that they are, asked Tara “what am I thinking?” Only Simon asked the obvious question: “Are you going to win this competition?” Tara stumbled on the answer and it was obvious from there how this was going to end. Even though she claimed she wasn't a depressed Goth she of course went off on a rant and flipped off the camera when she was rejected. It was a weak Psycho of the Night but in Salt Lake City that is the best that we got or perhaps could expect.

Chris Kirkham came with a friend in a pink bunny suit and, despite a decent vocal, had no chance to move on to Hollywood thanks to the bunny.

In between auditions Trained Seal chastised the crowd for being too nice and too thankful for being rejected. The Idol producers must have been annoyed that there weren't enough crazy rejects to highlight on the show. Frankie Johnson, a 24 year old mom from Hollywood, CA, wasn't one of those rejects. She instead got 4 yeses and a ticket back home.

After Frankie came another mom, 23 year old Megan Corkney from Sandy, UT. Megan laid it on thick with her story. She just got a divorce and was now a single mother of a 2 year old. Her stringy hair and full arm tattoo suggested something else about her past but I’m too nice and sick to speculate publicly. Instead I’ll just imply it so that only those who would see it as a joke will get it. Megan showed spots of good singing during her rendition of “Can’t Help Loving That Man of Mine” but it was not a stellar performance. Drunk Chick was in love though, and Captain Jack showed that he still has a thing for stringy blonds with a mysterious past and said yes, which convinced Randy and Kara to go along and give her a golden ticket.

17 year old Austin Sisneros from Riverton, UT, is the president of his high school’s senior class and he sounded like he just walked off the set of High School Musical, which Ryan told us is filmed in Salt Lake. Why am I not surprised? Austin was decent but bland, singing Train’s “When I Look to the Sky.” Sexual Chocolate was not happy with the song choice, which inspired Austin to try “Take a Village” by Ruffy. Randy did not appear to know who Ruffy was and I admit I am clueless on this too. It didn't matter, though; Austin was just as bland with the second song as he was with the first. Somehow he managed to get 4 yeses, though I would bet he won’t last long in Hollywood.

Jarrett Burns sang “Put Your Records On" well and got a golden ticket and 10 seconds of TV time. Why do I get the feeling that the group medley during Hollywood Week will be a Corinne Bailey Rae tune? There sure seems to be a lot of auditioners singing that song this year.

Taylor Vaifanua from Hurricane, UT reminded Sexual Chocolate of Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks. He claimed it was because Taylor was 16 like Jordin was. I betcha that it was really because Taylor was 5’-11” tall. I don’t remember how tall Jordin was but she was one tall drink of water as my old boss liked to say. Taylor is originally from Samoa (which makes her hometown highly ironic and perhaps sensible) and she claimed that her family moved to Utah so Taylor could pursue her dream as an entertainer. Taylor is not short on confidence. She sang a decent cover of the gospel tune “Joyful Joyful”. Horny Chick, who was sadly well behaved tonight, revealed that she cheated and heard Taylor warm up in the bathroom. That was the best that Kara did the whole show. I didn't detect even one sexual reference unless it was too subtle for me to catch in my reduced state. Taylor got 4 yeses and a ticket.

Our final contestant of the night continued to trend of featuring the Sob Story of the Night at the end. Tonight it was 17 year old orphan Rose Flech from Rathdrum, ID. Rose lost her dad at age 13 and lost her mom at age 15, and has been living with her best friend’s family ever since. Rose wore the same tawdry flower dress in both her intro videos and her audition. Apparently she can’t afford to buy shoes either, since we never saw her wear any in either her videos or the audition. To her credit, Rose was one of the few people who sang a song that I know, Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move.” She demonstrated only a limited range but with an interesting, Amanda Overmyer like tone (only without the “childe” and the scary hair-dos), except that it looked like Rose hadn't washed her hair in some time. None of the judges were crazy about the vocals but they were all won over by her charm and voted her to Hollywood. After all that build up (she was featured in the every tease before a commercial break) it would have been really sad had she been rejected.

12 golden tickets were distributed at this audition that resembled something out of The Stepford Wives. Everyone was nice, sweet, and utterly bland, even the judges. Tomorrow night the Idol producers stuff two auditions, New York and San Juan (that rumor has it really sucked) into one show. It promises to keep me busy. At least if I’m as bored with those auditions as I was to this one I can take solace that the season premiere of Hell’s Kitchen follows. I can always count on Chef Ramsey to keep me awake. If only he had a cure for the flu too.

Love Is In the Air

Your friendly neighborhood Armchair Idol Judge has come down with an armchair idol flu. Since I need my rest in order to get healthy in time for Hollywood Week I’m going to keep this recap as short as I can. Just in case you noticed…

The show began with Simon and Ryan sharing a limo, a police escort, and the show intro, once again daring the audience and viewers like me to bring up rumors of the two of them being romantically involved. As it turned out pseudo-love was a popular theme on tonight’s show. We also saw Randy in his Kid N’ Play hairdo jammin’ with Journey back in the 80’s. Don’t Stop Believin’ baby! Trained Seal made a considerable effort to use Sexual Chocolate as the theme tonight since he shares his last name with the audition city. That lasted all of about 5 minutes.

22 year old tile layer Josh Ulloa from Beverly Hills, FL (who knew there were 2 cities with that name?) sang Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”, complete with sound effects. Kara was sexually aroused (no surprise there), Randy was laughing (ditto), and Simon looked annoyed (ditto times 2). We didn't see what Paula was doing, so fill in your favorite drunk joke here (I’m too sick to think of one). Even so, Josh got 4 yeses and a Hollywood ticket.

25 year old Sharon Wilbur of Jacksonville, FL, did some vocal gymnastics with The Carpenters’ “Superstar”. You wouldn't think anyone could do vocal gymnastics with a Carpenters song, but somehow Sharon managed to pull it off. Not one of the judges thought it was as over the top as I did. Captain Jack was too preoccupied with Sharon’s dog, who came with her to the audition, Sexual Chocolate was too distracted by what the two chicks were doing, as suddenly and without warning Drunk Chick jumped on Horny Chick and made out with her. Then just as suddenly Paula jumped off Kara and said yes, even though she also said that Sharon’s dog was bored by her audition. Kara straightened her top and then tempted Simon to make out with her too. Thankfully Captain Jack took a rain check. Drunk Chick was on fire tonight and my heart skipped a beat.

Dana Moreno butchered a Chaka Khan song and Kaneswa Finnie butchered an Anita Baker song.

Next up was Miss Florida Latina USA, 19 year old Julissa Velez from Orlando, FL. Perhaps in order to emphasize her performance experience, Julissa walked into the audition room with a tiara on her head and a sash with “candidata” (Spanish for “candidate”) on her chest. She sang a decent version of an unidentified Whitney Houston song. Simon, Kara, and Randy all give their comments but Randy (not Simon, mind you) called for a vote before Paula could say anything. Paula demanded the floor to speak but then abruptly got up and left the room, taking Julissa with her. Drunk Chick poured out her sorrows, both real and imagined, to Julissa, and again threatened to quit right then and there. Julissa just stood there, but that was good enough to convince Drunk Chick to return to the set and to get 4 yeses.

Darin Darnell was too sad about his friend being rejected to sing a Boyz 2 Men song and got rejected himself.

25 year old food server Naomi Sykes from Tampa, FL, claimed that she sang like Mariah Carey because she could hit the high notes. She sang the classic high note song “Loving You” by Minnie Riperton, and the high note was the only one Naomi hit. After being rejected Naomi couldn't figure out what she did wrong, but it may have had something to do with the love fest that took place behind the judges’ table during her audition. After Naomi claimed her friend Samantha had a crush on Sexual Chocolate, her friend got invited in and sat on Randy’s lap. Horny Chick wanted Paula to sit on her lap but Drunk Chick went for Captain Jack instead. Kara had to settle for Trained Seal, who sat rigidly on Kara’s lap while Horny Chick groped him. If the rumors are true Ryan’s back was probably the only thing that was stiff (rim shot!). It was a no from Naomi.

During the break Fox aired the Ford commercial featuring Cheyennis Doom. I've never heard of anyone with the last name of Doom that is not a comic book character wearing a suit of armor with a green cape. What is the origin of the last name Doom? I know it’s big in Latavia but this Cosby kid look-alike doesn't resemble someone from a fake country in Eastern Europe. Just thought I ask…

16 year old Jasmine Murray from Stockville, MS, is the youngest of 5 kids and the closest that we got to a Sob Story of the Night. Her mother had a disease when Jasmine was born that almost took them both out. She sang “Big Girls Don’t Cry” (the Fergie version) and sang it well, and she was pretty too, if I am allowed to say that about a 16 year old. 4 yeses and a Hollywood ticket, and in my opinion the best singer of the night.

George Ramirez, an 18 year old physics student, was a classic case of what one of my former college roommates used to call a Science Buddy, complete with a scraggly beard and a quirky personality. He sang “Walkin’ on Sunshine” so badly that it took me a long time to recognize it.

Another university student, T.K. Nash, returned after being rejected at last year’s auditions. Simon said no for that reason alone. The other judges gave him a chance to sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” and like Chikezie Eeze last season I wondered why he was rejected before. Sexual Chocolate thought it was too over the top even though it was much more restrained than Sharon Wilbur’s. He voted yes anyway as did the two chicks. Captain Jack had no comment.

Michael Perrelli, an 18 year old singer from Orlando, FL, was bothered before his audition because he hadn't planned on singing without his security blanket/guitar. So there are audition rules that are actually enforced. Michael tried Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper” anyway and did a decent job, but not good enough to overcome his nerves or the judges’ comments.

Our final contestant was Anne Marie Boscovich, a 22 year old waitress. She claimed that Horny Chick was her hero and started her audition by singing one of Kara’s songs, probably better than Kara did at the Nashville performance where Anne Marie first heard it. Captain Jack was bothered that Anne Marie was not pretty enough, and told her to leave and come back “as someone else”. Anne Marie wasn't able to find any blond hair dye but she was able to find a make-up artist who was just wandering around the waiting room. Coincidence? I think not. She came back to sing “Bubbly” (your guess as to who recorded it, I have no clue) and turned Horny Chick on, about the 100th auditioner to do this in Jacksonville alone. Simon was still not turned on but was satisfied enough to give her a ticket to Hollywood.

In all, 16 golden tickets were issued in Jacksonville, about average for the audition sites so far. Thankfully the Idol producers saved the Medley of Doom, “Walkin’ on Sunshine”, until the end of the show.

What do you know; this only took me an hour to write. Maybe I’ll stick with this Reader’s Digest version when I’m healthy again, at least until Hollywood Week. Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow from Salt Lake City, where we were teased with a cameo by Wonder Boy David Archuleta. I can already hear the pre-teen screeching.

The Greatest of All Time

This…was American Idol, tonight from Louisville, Kentucky. Tonight’s show was full of analogies about horse racing and baseball bats but not one mention of Mohammad Ali. Have these people have no sense of history? 11,000 people crowded into Freedom Hall to entertain some associate producers and other unseen forces. The select few were invited back to Churchill Downs to entertain and otherwise fill the straight man role for our 4 wacky judges. There was still no acknowledgement that Simon, Randy, Kara, and Paula don’t show up at the mass auditions, but this time the producers didn't even try all that hard to disguise it.



Tonight’s first contestant was 18 year old Tiffany Shedd from Cincinnati, OH. Her supporting but scary looking parents were there to support Tiffany’s shot at stardom. It’s Idol or college for Tiffany, and after hearing her screech through Mariah Carey’s “Hero” I hope her SAT scores were good. Simon strained for a horse racing analogy and the best he could come up with was to compare Tiffany to a donkey racing against 22 horses. Tiffany was not impressed. She later told her mom that she was better than all the other singers and that “they’re not looking for talent, they’re looking for nerds and freaks on that show.” Well, maybe just for the auditions. Tiffany had nice legs though, especially for the Psycho of the Night.



Next up was Joanna Pacitti, a 23 year old singer from Philadelphia now living in LA. My ringer sense went off about 5 seconds in, and sure enough Kara spilled the beans and revealed that Joanna recently had a record deal with A&M. She struggled through the low notes of Pat Benetar's “We Belong” but hit the high notes like a ringer should. Of course there were 4 yeses from the judges. To be honest, though, as much I would like to hate this girl I had a hard time doing so. She broke down into tears when she got the golden ticket and I actually thought they were real. This may have been the chick that producer Ken Warwick was referring to when he was talking about giving second chances to people damaged by the music biz.



After another round of horse racing analogies we were introduced to hard luck Mark Mudd, Jr. from Cox’s Creek, KY. Mark has been in 2 car accidents and, according to him, almost died 5 times. His bad luck runs in his family, as one of his ancestors was the doctor who treated John Wilkes Booth’s leg after Booth shot Lincoln. Dr. Mudd served 10 years in prison for this and gave birth to the derogatory phrase “your name is mud.” Captain Jack was on edge from the moment Mark walked in, mistaking Mark’s cell phone for a gun. Mark did an interesting version of George Jones’ “White Lightning” but it was clearly not a version that will score well with the judges or anyone who isn't tone deaf. Randy, Kara, and Paula were all laughing through the audition but neither Captain Jack nor Mark was in on the joke. Eventually Mark figured it out and left the stage, telling the judges to “be careful at whatever you do” as he walked away. Simon interpreted this comment to be a threat, perhaps in jest, but this time Drunk Chick didn't take it to be a joke. Paula chastised Mark for saying something that was “not a normal thing to say” and vowed to fly out of town that night, even though Trained Seal had already promised a second day of auditions. Well alright, perhaps given Paula’s history with a stalker I was perhaps too harsh, but it is so hard to hold back from commenting on anything that Drunk Chick says. In that light I should point out that with her tight bun hairdo and glasses Paula looked about 60. A young 60 though.



The kids in the audition room got even more rambunctious with the next contestant, travelling musician Brett Keith Smith from Blanchester, OH. Brett sang Bad Company’s “Can’t Get Enough” and did a decent job of it; though with his soft voice it was perhaps not the best song choice. Simon agreed with me on the song choice and thought it was a “bit buskerish”. This sent Paula off on a tizzy and me off to find a dictionary. For the second straight night there was another verbal skirmish between Horny Chick and Captain Jack where Kara demanded to be heard, Simon continued to butt in, and after Captain Jack took forever to say yes Horny Chick exploded with rage at Simon for taking so long to say yes. One difference though was that both Kara and Paula went under the table after Simon’s comments. The camera mysteriously turned away when the chicks went down together, leaving the rest to our imagination (Paula did say that Kara was one of her “friends” though). During this whole time Brett just stood there with a goofy look on his face, and was duly rewarded with a golden ticket and some suggested HLA.



BTW, here is the definition of busker, courtesy of Merriam-Webster: probably from Italian buscare to procure, gain, from Spanish buscar to look for, a person who entertains in a public place for donations.



Trained Seal switched from horse racing analogies to baseball bat ones. Then we had a quick parade of losers, including school gym worker Obianuju Omwurah who warbled like a goat (I would have like to have heard how her name is pronounced), a zebra dressed pizza server named Ryan Benningfield, and ice cream server Patrick Warner, who shook his considerable booty to the tune of “Billie Jean”.



Almost just a quickly we got a glimpse of Kalamazoo, MI’s Matt Giraud. Matt trained himself to play piano and makes a living in a piano bar. He had a whiskey tenor voice with good tone, which at first reminded me of Taylor Hicks. Simon thought he sounded like Elliott Yamin and I realized the error of my ways. Apparently desperate to find something critical to say, Captain Jack thought that Matt lacked confidence, but said yes along with the 3 others.



Day 1 of the Louisville auditions ended with Ross Plavic, a 26 year old math tutor from Crestview Hills, KY. Ross talked about how he learned to read Chinese characters using a method that completely lost me. He then declared that he learned how to sing the same way and I didn't liking his chances, especially after he started claiming that his throat was getting scratchy. He attempted an old song by an artist that I couldn't make out even after 3 rewinds of the DVR, but it sounded like a classic horror movie sound effect. Both Kara and Randy (yes, Randy was actually there) seemed to recognize the song and tried to sing along. After using the scratchy excuse on the judges Paula offered Ross a drink of water. Ross proceeded to suck up whatever was left in Drunk Chick’s glass, using her straw in the process and at the same time telling all of his academic accomplishments to Sexual Chocolate (he was on the Dean’s List 3 times!). Paula looked on in horror as Ross sucked up the rest of her cocktail and then broke into Elvis’ “Love Me Tender” before being sent off. To be honest, though, I can’t blame Drunk Chick for her reaction. I know how upset I get whenever someone uses my straw to drink the rest of my margarita.



Day 2 in Louelville (as the locals pronounce it) began with Randy dawning a bonnet and 21 year old Memphis resident Alexis Grace on the stage. Alexis had a baby girl at age 19 and named her Ryan in anticipation of having to suck up to Trained Seal at an Idol audition. The baby’s dad is in military school but he and Alexis are engaged so that dad could put away the shotgun. Alexis shouted Aretha’s “Doctor Feelgood” more or less in tune and turned Horny Chick on, even though as far as we know she doesn't swing that way. Instead Kara urged Alexis to have sex with her fiancée. Alexis worried that Horny Chick’s comment might air on TV. Remember, the fiancée is out of town at military school. Just because I've rarely mentioned him at all in this recap, I’ll mention that Randy told Alexis to “come out of your shell and surprise the world.”



The judges are ready for either bed or the bar (take a guess which ones want to go where) when in strolls shoutin’ Aaron Williamson from Louisville. Aaron was whooping it up like the love child of James Brown and Ric Flair all day long and brought that enthusiasm into the audition room. His first note of Creedance’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” flung Paula off of her chair. Soon everyone but Captain Jack was shouting along with the song, or at least a facsimile of one. The shouting made it all the way out to the hall, where Trained Seal started to worry that the judges were engaged in aggressive interrogation techniques and ran into the room. Not to worry, Ryan, the only torture that was taking place was inside Horny Chick’s private parts. All that shouting got Kara so worked up that she wanted sex right then and there, with anybody. She also broke her ring in the process. Drunk Chick and Sexual Chocolate were ready for a cold shower themselves. Even after getting all worked up, all the judges said no. Aaron was remarkably subdued after that.



Next up was 24 year old student Rebecca Garcia. A local news crew interviewed her in the waiting room and claimed that she was a Louisville local, only for the Idol production folks to identify her as being from Nashville, TN. While I've never seen the two towns together I’m sure that they are not the same city. She wore an armband with the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” just in case she forgot them in the heat of the moment, but the armband apparently didn't say how to sing that song in tune. Horny Chick noticed that Rebecca's bio said that she was voted Most Humorous at her high school (note sure if it was in Louisville or Nashville) and asked Rebecca if her audition was a joke. Uh oh, guess who just put her big foot in her big mouth (insert your favorite sex joke here; no way my humor can compete with your imagination on this one). Drunk Chick tried to console Rebecca as Horny Chick realized what it is like to be in one of those Southwest Airlines commercials and wanted to get away.



Next there were 4 rapid golden ticket winners: Kris Allen from Conway, AR; Felicia Barton from Virginia Beach, VA; Ryan Johnson from Cincinnati, OH; and Shera Lawrence from Bowling Green, KY. Each got about 5 seconds of air time so there’s no way I can comment on their performance or the judges’ comments, though they all had nice voices. Betcha they’re all ringers. I hate when the Idol producers do this because I have to keep starting and stopping the DVR so I can get everyone's information down on paper. This is one reason why it takes me so long to write these recaps.



Louisville’s final contestant was tonight’s Sob Story of the Night, 18 year old Leneshe Young from Cincinnati, OH. Leneshe’s mother is a single mom and the producers played up how poor Leneshe and her family have been. Laneshe had a model strut going on as she sashayed into the audition room. She did a good Beyonce’ like interpretation of her own composition “Natty”, and perhaps for the first time in Idol history (“Brothers Forever” not withstanding) an original song actually sounded like an actual song. All of the judges, even Captain Jack, were blown away and gave her 4 yeses, except for Drunk Chick who first said “no” and then quickly claimed it was just a joke after Laneshe’s heart started pumping again.



When we finally reached the finish line 19 Louisville contestants received golden tickets to Hollywood, less than Phoenix and Kansas City but more than San Francisco. The winner’s circle included ringer Joanna Pacitti, dueling piano player Matt Giraud, Kara’s dirty girl Alexis Grace, and shelter survivor Laneshe Young. See you next week from Jacksonville, Florida, where Trained Seal promised us that he would get lost.

Make Sure You Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair

Tonight America’s favorite program came from San Francisco, a city in sight of my house. The crowd gathered at the Cow Palace, just outside of San Francisco in Daly City. For you out-of-towners, that is the real name of the arena. It is the home of a yearly livestock show, the local National Rodeo stop, and is owned by the California Department of Food and Agriculture. If you really want to know more, and since you’re reading this blog I assume you do, check out the Wikipedia page on the Cow Palace right here.

While the stylin’ and profilin’ crowd, and one wedding party, gathered at the palace of bovines, the actual auditions in front of our favorite judges were held at a San Francisco rooftop ballroom. I think it was in the Top of the Mark at the Mark Hopkins hotel. Judging from the windows it was somewhere on Nob Hill anyway. Certainly better digs than the abandoned warehouse in Kansas City.

After the judges critiqued Trained Seal’s intro, our first contestant was Tatiana Nicole Del Toro from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Even though there were auditions in her hometown this season, apparently Tatiana couldn't wait to show her stuff. Her accent faded in and out as she sucked up to Ryan, and again when she told us all that a psychic friend of hers said that she would make the Top 12 and that she would “be the greatest artist you have ever seen.” Oh, this does not bode well. Tatiana presented a portfolio to the judges, including a picture that Simon thought was naughty. And she was not a blonde, so go figure. Tatiana belted out Aretha Franklin’s “Never Loved a Man” with big lungs but a slightly off tune voice. Captain Jack was not happy with the song choice, which distressed Tatiana to the point that she put her hands on her heart and suddenly broke into another song. Paula quickly said yes, perhaps only to get Tatiana to stop singing. Randy wavered like Drunk Chick usually does but finally said yes. Kara dug Tatiana’s vibe and sent her off to Hollywood. Even though she got a golden ticket, Tatiana still ranted and raved, claiming that she was better than everyone else in the room.

BTW, I’m writing this recap while watching a recording of Obama’s inauguration. So forgive me if this recap seems to stop and start. I must say that the bow on Aretha Franklin’s hat is the biggest that I've ever seen. I also wonder how Aretha feels about all these Idol wannabes butchering her songs.

And how apropos is it for Dick Chaney to live the vice presidency in a wheelchair. The resemblance to Dr. Strangelove is uncanny.

After a thankfully brief glimpse at a female William Hung impersonator our next contestant was Dean Anthony Bradford, a 27 year old former event coordinator from Pasadena, CA. He walked in with a coat that appeared to have been recycled from his grandma’s couch. He sang Simply Red’s “Stars” with lots of enthusiasm but not a lot of talent. As has become Sexual Chocolate’s custom during a reject’s audition, Randy started laughing while the dude was singing. Simon trashed not only the coat but also Dean’s hair color. Dean’s response, “the carpet matches the drapes,” almost got him a golden ticket, but alas it was 4 no’s for Dean. He told Ryan that he thought it was because of the coat. No dude, it was the stereo inside your throat. Before he left though, Kara wanted to know what was underneath the coat. You know, I think Vote for the Worst is right, Kara is one horny chick. So for now I’ll use Horny Chick as her nickname. The name goes well with the Drunk Chick sitting next to her.

Next up was 29 year old fleet manager Jesus Valenzuela from North Highlands, CA. I had to look up where it was (it’s a suburb of Sacramento). Jesus was a nice family man whose two sons Jesus Jr. and Gabriel pushed him to audition. His first song, which I could not identify, showed off a decent voice but he had no sense of rhythm. Simon was ready to send him off but the chicks asked for Jesus’ boys to come in. Any guesses as to what happens next? Randy can’t bring himself to say no with the boys in the room so he asked Jesus to sing another song. Jesus did a decent version of “Unchained Melody” that the boys both liked, but they were of course biased. Drunk Chick and Horny Chick both said yes (perhaps they are biased too), and with the pressure from both the girls and the boys Randy finally said yes and sent the Valenzuela’s to Hollywood. Even though he said no Simon still got a hug from Gabriel. Captain Jack is such a softie.

After a Simpson’s promo (Homer for Secretary of Nachos!) we were introduced to a very shy Dalton Powell from Manteca, CA. Dalton managed to solve a Rubik’s Cube in 24 seconds while Trained Seal tried to distract him by urging Dalton to show more energy. Dalton should have listened to Ryan, because his rendition of Smokey Robinson’s “Ohh Baby Baby” was so quiet that it was barely audible. The judges were stunned, stunned that the Idol producers put this dude through. He obviously wasn't good, and he wasn't interestingly bad either, so who thought he would be good for TV? It’s contestants like Dalton that has some folks screaming for fewer audition shows.

After the break there is the obligatory Summer of Love montage, followed by clips of brief verbal scrums between Horny Chick and Captain Jack. Now properly warmed up, the audience met up with Akilah Askew-Gholston from Latoya London’s hometown of Oakland, CA. Akilah came prepared like an Eagle Scout with charts and graphs documenting every vocal organ in her body. The contestants around her in the waiting room looked like they were trapped in physiology class. Akilah walked in and pronounced Kara’s name right, much to Horny Chick’s delight and perpetuating another developing theme for this season. Akilah’s tried her own composition “Make Sweet Love” and didn't quite get it right. Simon admired her “naughty face” but hated the song, so of course like other psycho contestants she broke into another song, Aretha’s “Natural Woman”. It started out okay but crashed and burned at the chorus. Thank goodness Aretha was busy at the inauguration when this aired. Not willing to give up, Akilah claimed that she sang from the “wrong rectum” and wanted to sing yet another song. Paula jumped up at the sound of the word “rectum” and tried to gently cajole Akilah to leave. Simon tried another approach to get Akilah out by deliberately mispronouncing her name. Akilah, or I guess Akela now, had none of it and instead stormed the desk to plead her case to Kara. Drunk Chick gave up and walked off the set. Horny Chick, though, was successful in escorting Akilah out the door. To cement her award as Psycho of the Night Akilah ranted to Ryan that she wasn't “on” and told the camera that the judges were trying to “iraqatate” me. No better way to earn the psycho award than to make up words while ranting about the judges.

Oh yeah, Randy was a no.

The show then quickly blew through three yeses, 27 year old music teacher John Twiford from Sherman Oaks, CA (doing a Stevie number), 16 year old Allison Iraheta from Los Angeles (doing a better version of “Natural Woman”), and 28 year old waitress Raquel Houghton from Los Angeles (belting out “Son of a Preacher Man”). Rachel looked and sounded suspiciously like a ringer, especially since she only got a few seconds of airtime as if the producers were trying to hide her from critics like me. She also bore a physical resemblance to Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba, who I found out in my research is a student at Catholic University and is a spokesperson for a get out the vote campaign. Glad to see she’s found good honest work.

Next up was Annie Murdock, a blonde hair blue eyed chick from Novato, CA. She announced that she was going to sing a Bonnie Raitt song but couldn't decide which one. She finally settled on “Summertime” and it wasn't pretty. The high note caused Kara to choke up her Coke. Horny Chick then stunned Annie by declaring her audition was overdone. Simon thought Annie drank a case of booze before coming in, leading Kara to ask for some. What a minute, Paula is supposed to be Drunk Chick. This new girl is making this really difficult for me.

Drunk Chick came to the forefront for our next contestant, musical actor Adam Lambert from Hollywood. Adam has acted in musical theater since the age of 10, and Paula pointed out that he’s been in Wicked for the last year and a half (now playing in San Francisco ironically). Adam belted out a loud version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Paula thought he was “awesome”. Horny Chick winked at Adam when he walked in and was also a quick yes. Captain Jack started going on about how Adam’s audition was too theatrical, but then Kara started pressuring him for a “yes” or “no”. You know, this chick might be alright after all. Adam told Paula that the first concert he attended, again at the age of 10 (a very busy 5th grade apparently), was one of hers. Dude, you got the gig, you don’t need to suck up until you get to the Kodak Theater. Drunk Chick also stated that Adam was “the best we've seen in every city.” Now, if you read this blog you’ll know that the first Idol auditions this year were in San Francisco, so Paula once again inadvertently broke kayfabe by revealing either a) the auditions in front of the judges were not on the same day as the crowd gathering or b) she really can see into the future after all.

Our final contestant of the night, and tonight’s Sob Story of the Night, was Kai Kalama from San Clemente, CA. Kai spends his days taking care of his Mom who suffered a seizure last year. He rendered a smooth rendition of The Platters’ “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” that sounded a little like Nat King Cole. Captain Jack wasn't impressed though, claiming he had a “ship singer’s personality”, though he liked Kai’s voice. The other judges agreed on both counts. Simon then returned the favor and pressured Kara to say “yes” or “no”, but sassy Horny Chick insisted on making her critique. “I will say what I want to say and I’ll say it now,” she told Simon. Paula warned Kara that she better get used to Simon’s interruptions. After all of that, Kai was given 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

In all only 12 golden tickets were given out in Babylon by the Bay, less than half those distributed in either Kansas City or Phoenix. Maybe that’s why this audition was chosen to be one of the one hour shows instead of the 2 hour marathons of last week.

And congrats to the new President Obama. Hard to believe 1.4 million people showed up to watch it in Washington, about 3.5 times the usual turnout but still much less than the usual Idol vote count, even last season. A few of them are even walking over the frozen reflecting pool in front of the Capitol. Don’t see things like that in San Francisco.

They Got Some Crazy Little Women There

Tonight’s auditions were from Kansas City, Missouri, home of last season’s champion David Cook and world famous barbecue. As expected, Rocker Dude was prominently featured at the start of the show, as if to suggest that it is possible that Kansas City residents might actually have talent. Hey, I wasn't the one that questioned what was wrong with Kansas.

Perhaps to put Cook in his place his retrospective video was accompanied by the famous Wilbert Harrison song. If you don’t know who Wilbert Harrison is then click on this. It is the official song of the city after all.

We began with Ryan greeting the contestants in the big arena, though apparently the judges were holed up in an abandoned downtown warehouse or something. A local ad agency must have been tipped off to the location because there was a big American Idol billboard just down the street from the audition home.

Our first contestant was Chelsea Marquardt, a varsity choir singer who didn't have much self-esteem when she walked into the audition. You could literally hear the nervousness in her voice, which only got worse when Randy started laughing at her. It all went downhill from there. The ever witty Simon, always trying to outdo himself when it comes to creative ways to say “you’re bad”, compared Chelsea’s performance to the sound a cat would make when it’s falling from the Empire State Building. Sexual Chocolate added an ambulance siren. Paula criticized Simon for being too negative, but when Captain Jack challenged Drunk Chick to say something positive about Chelsea’s performance she couldn't. Instead Paula continued to whine about how Simon wouldn’t let her talk.

Clarksburg, New Jersey’s Ashley Anderson chose to sing a Leona Lewis song (“Footprints in the Sand”) that was co-written by Captain Jack himself. Smart girl, this one. Her audition got off to a rough start when Simon caught her singing “footsteps” instead of “footprints”. So now we know which lyric Simon wrote. Once she got past that faux pas Ashley did a decent job with the song, decent enough to get 4 yeses anyway.

After another David Cook vignette featuring Rocker Dude with Chris Daughtry eye shadow on, we heard from Casey Carlson from Minneapolis, MN. Casey walked in with sort of a subdued Bjork looking outfit on, including a paper thin skirt. Her profession was listed as “Bubble Tea Maker”, which might explain the outfit. She warbles “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton with a bit of a country twang, though she struggled with her phrasing and breathing. Enough for me to notice anyway. Even so, Casey earned 4 yeses from the judges.

The next clip sequence featured folks in the crowd doing goofy things like back flips, skipping in a fairy outfit, throat slapping, and accordion playing. There were a lot of these video sequences tonight. The producers were really desperate to fill the 2 hours. Why don’t they make both theirs and my life easier and just have 1 hour audition shows?

Brian Hattler, a big ole’ 20 year old from Kansas City, claimed he was trained in opera but looked like he was trained to play the tuba. And I was a tuba player in high school so I know what I’m talking about. Brian sang Aretha’s “Think” sounding like Elvis on helium. That’s my description, not Simon’s. Captain Jack was too comatose to say anything. Randy started laughing from the first note. Brian listed in his bio that people compared him to Josh Groban, and then proved with a brief rendition of “You Raise Me Up” that he was just joshin'. The dude walked out completely stunned that he was turned away and didn't have the energy to go into a maniacal tirade. Don’t worry; another contestant gave us one later in the show. Instead we got a bunch of criers, including one who acted as if she was bending over her dead mother’s body.

The David Cook Show continued with Trained Seal chatting up Rocker Dude’s parents at a random Kansas City street corner. This was followed by a medley of 4 dude losers interspersed with witty comments from Simon.

Von Smith from Greenwood, MO, didn't promise to be much better when he walked in with a goofy looking hat. He stunned the judges with a big note to start “Over the Rainbow”. He kind of sounded like an older and less gaspy version of David Archuleta (just to keep the references to last season coming). Kara (you might remember her, the new girl), admired Von’s willingness to take a risk and voted yes. Maybe it was the hat. The other 3 judges agreed and sent him off with a golden ticket.

The next auditioner was Michael Castro from Rockwell, TX. If that last name is familiar to you, my faithful readers, you have reasons to think that way. Michael is Jason Castro’s brother, and Quiet Man was there to cheer his little bro on. Like his brother, Michael has a wacky hairdo, but instead of dreads he had a pink Mohawk. Maybe he thought dreads were too girly, judging by how he thinks about his brother. Michael sang “Love with a Girl” by Gavin Degrew, and sang with a better voice than Jason, but since we never got to see Quiet Man’s audition we’ll never know for sure. Kara admired Michael’s cajones and the mysterious secret he acted like he was hiding, and again the other 3 judges agreed and vote him to Hollywood.

After a dude who sang about a banana, we met 28 year old Matt Breitzke from Bixby, OK. Matt once had dreams of being a singer and spent several years in a bar band ala Taylor Hicks (who didn't compete in Season 7), only to give that up for a day job as a welder once his son was born. His song choice was Bill Withers’ “Ain't No Sunshine.” This is why I like older contestants. They choose songs that I know. He did OK with it, but not enough to impress Randy. Both the chicks dug it though, and it was left to Simon to decide the welder’s fate. Remember, this was the guy who said no to Hicks. He says yes to Matt though and I for one was glad to see after all the whackos that a normal guy got through.

Speaking of whackos, we next met Jasmine “Jazz” Joseph from Norfolk, NE. “Spazz” would have been a better nickname with her 10 color hairdo. She sang “Over the Rainbow”, likely not picking up the irony of her song choice. Sexual Chocolate behaved like he was in on the joke though. The judges were silent after the audition, as was Jazz, who walked out without saying a word.

Without announcement, the show theme changed from David Cook to The Wizard of Oz, as our next contestant was Jessica Paige Furney from Wamego, KS. Apparently the citizens of Wamego think that they are the true home of Dorothy and are not reluctant to share that with the rest of America. Another person not afraid to share was Jessica’s 93-year old grandmother, who showed all of America her “crazy pills.” Jessica sang Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby”, which with her light voice might not have been the best song choice. The judges still liked her natural voice though, and gave her a birthday present ticket to Hollywood.

We next met sisters Asia McClain and India Morrison, both from Kansas City. Except for their geographical names they appear to have little else in common. There was a prominent difference in their sizes, too. Take a guess which one was twice as large as the other. If you remember your geography it should be easy. The sisters started their audition by rapping a song about food that they dedicated to Sexual Chocolate. Then each of them sang individually. Asia wasn't so good, but India showed some promise and was voted to Hollywood. Asia was a good sport though, so good that Simon wished he had a sister like that.

Another pair who came together went next. First there was Jamar Rodgers, a bartender from Milwaukee, WI. Say, wasn’t David Cook a bartender? Jamar spun a different take on The 'Mamas and the Papas’ “California Dreamin’”. It reminded me of Chikezie Eeze from last season. Yes, now we have 3 themes going, 4 if you count them foreign words. The judges all thought Jamar was a bit over the top and loud but sent him through anyway.

After the break we met Jamar’s BFF, music teacher Danny Golke from Milwaukee. Danny made a bid for Sob Story of the Night by revealing that his wife died from a heart disorder 4 weeks before the auditions. He appeared in much bright spirits in front of the judges though, again inadvertently revealing to those looking for such things that the initial auditions and the ones in front of the judges are not held on the same day. Danny sang the Marvin Gaye version of “I Heard It through the Grapevine” and showed off a good soulful voice. All 4 judges were blown away. Randy went further and declared him one of the best they've seen. He got 4 yeses and learned the exploding fist pump from Sexual Chocolate.

The producers gave equal time to chick losers after featuring dude losers earlier in the evening. After all that we met Anoop Desai, a folklore student at the University of North Carolina. His specialty is in myths in Southern American culture, and his thesis was in barbecue. Yes, BBQ. Well, they are in Kansas City. Like oil rigger Michael Sarver last night he too sang Boyz 2 Men’s “Thank You” in a different way than the original. Randy was blown away by Anoop’s “crazy vocals.” Simon thought he looked like he just walked out of a meeting with Bill Gates and drew criticism from the other judges for his political incorrectness (Anoop appeared to be of Indian descent). Captain Jack joins the others in voting yes anyway.

Tonight’s Melody of Shame was Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”, which has no known connection with Kansas City but was annoying nonetheless. We were also treated to another medley of gimmicks, including last night’s bikini girl.

Perhaps the best gimmick was Andrew Lang’s, who sent in two tone deaf cheerleaders to prep the judges for his arrival. Andrew by comparison was a clean-cut looking guy right out of an ice cream store. He sang The Temptations’ “My Girl” right out of a high school musical. The judges didn't call for an encore, drawing tears from the cheerleaders who seemed sadder about this than Andrew was. I felt sorry for the girls; didn't care about the dude. Drunk Chick again went into career advice mode and shouted “musical theater” at Andrew as he left. Waiting for him outside was Trained Seal and 10 more cheerleaders who also broke down in tears when they heard the news. I was amazed at how beat up everybody but Andrew was about his failure to score a ticket to Hollywood. Perhaps he’s loaded or something.

Next up was Asa Barnes, a 28 year old middle school band director. Simon declared his doubts about the song choice before Asa sang his first note. It wasn't perfect, but his rendition of Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” was decent. Simon was ready to say no when he asked Asa why he choose that song. When he replied “I like it,” Captain Jack agreed to say yes. The other judges said yes, for different reasons as usual, and Asa was off to Hollywood.

Self-proclaimed undiscovered star Michael Nicewonder from Grand Island, NE, brought his problems with his mother into the audition room. He sang an original song about his mother that was full of moans, groans, and other depressing themes. After Michael said that he had also written a song about his grandmother Simon asked him to sing it, and it was just as depressing as the first. He proudly showed off a vocal medal from grammar school, and it appears that it has been all downhill from there.

Dennis Brigham from Glen Carron, IL, had a dream about Simon the night before. He bounced around a lot to Chris Brown’s “With You”, perhaps mimicking his day job as a floor maintenance worker. The judges initially were lukewarm towards Dennis’ performance, which prompts him to beg for a chance. “I can sing, very, very, very, very, very good,” he told Randy. Maybe he can sing but his grammar needs some work. Randy finally succumbs to the pressure, along with both Paula and Kara. Simon was convinced that the other judges were duped into voting for Dennis.

Mia Conley from Kansas City slept in the waiting room most of the day until the producers finally woke her up for her audition. She took on the challenge of singing Minnie Ripleton's “Love You” with an attitude and it fell really flat. The judges did allow her to sing the famous high pitch scream that everyone knows the song for, but then quickly sent her packing. In the hallway Mia went off on the traditional rant about how wonderful a singer she is and how the judges made a mistake by saying no and that the world hasn't heard the last from her, the usual criteria to win the Psycho of the Night Award. To seal the deal she added a “God is gonna get you” damnation on the judges.

Our final contestant of the night was Lil Rounds from Memphis, TN. Yes, she claimed that was her real name. We learned that she and her family lost their apartment to a tornado last year, earning a tie with Danny Golke for Sob Story of the Night. She did a rushed but decent version of Stevie Wonder’s “All I Do” and showed a good stage presence. Simon thought Lil was “absolutely fantastic” and classy. Randy compared her to both Fantasia and Mary J. Blige, pretty high praise from Sexual Chocolate. The chicks were both equally impressed.

In the end, 26 golden tickets were given out in Kansas City, 1 short of the Phoenix auditions. Kansas City did earn Simon’s affections though. Tonight’s stars of the night included Ashley Anderson, Jason’s brother Michael Castro, India Morrison, Danny Golke, and Lil Rounds.

You know, this actually took longer to write than last night’s write-up. It takes time to come up with these snarky comments. I hear that next week’s shows are only an hour long. Thank you, Fox, you can forget all the bad things I've said about you.

A Rise From the Ashes, and a Few Other Things

Well, here we go again. The late nights typing these recaps, the heavy use of the DVR, the reduced hours at the gym, all for each of you who have sought out my recaps. It’s time for…American Idol!

We began with a recap of the previous 7 seasons, beginning with a quote from the sage David Foster, followed by the Simon and Paula kiss, famous contestants who didn't win like Chris Daughtry and Clay Aiken, the weird and the wild like William Hung and the Birdman, contestants who did win, and finally Ryan announcing the start of the show from the rim of the Grand Canyon.

The auditions began in Season 7 winner Jordin Sparks’ hometown Phoenix, where 10,000 wanna-be Idols turned out in 106 degree heat to get their faces on TV. Our first profiled auditioner was Tuan Nguyen from Spring Valley, CA. He claimed his mother is half-Vietnamese and half-Caucasian, though he looked like neither, spouting a Buckwheat on steroids hair-do. He tried to dance his way through Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” but got nowhere with the judges, including new fourth judge Kara.

Next we had Emily Hughes, a strawberry and platinum blond from Los Angeles. She got a bunch of tattoos to avoid getting an office job, or so she claimed. Instead she’s the lead singer of a rock and roll band, whose members didn't know that she was auditioning for Idol. She did a dead-on impression of Ann Wilson while singing “Barracuda” and scored 4 yeses from the judges. Now she has to break it to her band that they have to cancel their European tour since she’s leaving them for American Idol.

Another self-proclaimed rock and roller, Randy Madden from Moorpark, CA, came in with an Alice Cooper look but without the attitude to match. He just wanted someone to tell him that he was great. Hey don’t we all. After a breezy rendition of Bonjovi's “Livin’ on a Prayer” he got no love from the judges. Simon thought his voice was wimpy and accused Madden of being a drama queen. Paula tried to urge him to consider joining a band. Simon questioned her advice by claiming that this was how Paula’s hit “Straight Up” was written. Drunk Chick tries to ignore Captain Jack but to no avail, as they start a muted argument during Kara’s review that ends with Paula flipping Simon the bird. I sure hope she doesn't get fired.

After the break we got a quick glimpse at Taylorsville, UT high school student J.B. Ahfua. The kid shows off a choir-like voice and earned 4 yeses from the judges and very little backtalk.

Then we heard from the very, very nervous Michael Gurr from Mesa, AZ. Michael tried to force out Carrie Underwood’s “Starts with Goodbye” but it sounded like Bette Davis singing jazz. Just try imagining that for a minute. It’s OK, I’ll wait. No one could understand a word he sang, so he tried again (with Paula’s urging) to sing one of Kara’s songs and still can’t sing an intelligible word. Four no’s of course. Michael caused a scare by collapsing from heat exhaustion after leaving the audition room, which of course led to Trained Seal teasing us with what happened, after the break.

Will Kunick from Garfield, NJ, butchered a Tears for Fears song. D.J. Bradley from Seattle, WA butchered a Celine Dion song. Shawn Vasquez from Oakland butchered a Dionne Warwick song and left the audience guessing what his/her gender was and why she/he had a Mohawk hair-do.

After them came the very enthusiastic Aundre Caraway from Phoenix, or “X-Ray” as his is known to his friends. No explanation was offered as to how he got his nickname. He warbled through his own composition titled “Cactus Baby”, which ended with a series of seal sounds that left both Randy and Kara speechless. His fancy moves and catchy name wasn't enough to convince the judges to say yes, so of course he keeps on singing, thinking that’ll change the judges’ mind. When will these contestants realize that this strategy never works, EVER. X-Ray was escorted out of the building.

The parade of enthusiasm continued with 16 year old Arianna Asfar from San Diego. She sang at a karaoke bar at age 6 and fell in love with performing right then and there. She also formed a program in San Diego, “Adopt A Grandfriend”, where she and other teens sing for senior citizens in rest homes. Captain Jack, not one to pass up a softball, implied that Drunk Chick will soon be in a rest home. Arianna rushed through Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On” but still had a nice voice and got 4 yeses to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, from Phoenix, had what may be the world’s deepest voice. Simon was already pessimistic even before Elijah sang his first note. Randy was anxious to hear him sing. As you might expect, Elijah sang a Barry White song, “My First, My Last, My Everything” but unlike Barry he had no rhythm at all. Paula, apparently studying for a job in career counseling since her contract is up after this season, suggested Elijah try voice-over work, and this time no one blinked.

With a pink cowboy outfit, a short skirt, a bubbly personality, and a binder full of 100 songs that she wrote herself, Leah Marie Golde from Connecticut by way of Los Angeles came bouncing in the room and set her eyes squarely on Kara, the object of her obsession, I mean admiration. She claimed her voice was a combination of Hilary Duff and Madonna, and proved it by showing off her abs. Rather than sing one of her own songs, she instead sang a supposed dance number called “Every Time We Touch”. It moved really slowly for a dance song. After the judges panned her performance, even Kara, she started to beg for acceptance thinking that the judges were “on the fence” about her. Yeah, right. Everyone except Drunk Chick picked up the similarity between Leah and the girl that stalked Paula, but fortunately for Kara Leah left without incident.

Another bubbly personality, Stevie Wright from Phelan, CA, followed Golde into the room. Her mother named her for Stevie Nicks, or so she claimed. She did a decent job with Etta James’ “At Last” and got a ticket to Hollywood. Simon advised her to be more selfish because she apparently wasn't arrogant enough.

Michael Sarver from Jasper, TX gave up the fifth most dangerous job in the world, an oil rig worker, to sing for Idol. The tough guy did a soft version of Boyz 2 Men’s “Thank You” and gets 4 yeses even though the judges had a hard time matching his voice with his look and his job.

After 90 minutes of teases, we got to see the bikini clad Katrina Darrell from Chino Hills, CA. She wore the tiny two piece to stand out and get a tan while waiting for the audition. She succeeded in both counts, though for some unknown reason her hair color also changed from dirty blond in the crowd shots to brunette in the audition room, I guess while she earned her tan. While waiting outside the audition room, Katrina told Ryan that she wanted to make out with him if she got a Hollywood ticket. The now confused Trained Seal claimed it was “against the rules.” She actually got a chance to sing and did a decent job of a song that wasn't identified, and the bugged-eyed Simon immediately said yes, followed quickly by Randy. Kara was not so impressed, though, and told Bikini Girl that she has no chops. Kara then attempted to demonstrate how someone with good chops sings that song, but Katrina claimed that Kara’s rendition “wasn't any better”, quickly seconded by both Simon and Randy. Paula came to Kara’s defense, but still said yes to send Katrina to Hollywood. Kara’s sarcastically recommended that she should come naked next time, again quickly seconded by Simon and Randy. The experience ended with Katrina and Ryan making out and jumping in the pool.

After learning how to pronounce Kara’s name, “Sexual Chocolate” Eric Thomas from Phoenix came in and did a nothing special rendition of a Stevie Wonder song and got rejected. Simon claimed Eric stole the nickname from Randy, which leads me to consider using that as Randy’s new nickname. I’ll try it out and see what happens. I’m still searching for one for Kara.

Cheerleader Brianna Quijada from Tempe, AZ barely made it through “Let’s Hear It for the Boy”. Simon thought the audition was bad but liked her personality. Paula wanted to hear “Killing Me Softly”, an appropriate title for this audition. Randy and Kara were a no, but Paula decided to say yes, leaving it to Simon to decide. Captain Jack surprised everyone by saying yes, and recommended that Brianna not sing “Killing Me Softly” any more.

Deanna Brown from Louisville, KY, came to the audition without a family or entourage, but still gets 4 yeses from the judges who liked her whiskey voice.

17 year old Cody Sheldon from Detroit, MI, came with a large posse including a “crying girl”. Everything seemed normal until Ryan revealed that Cody makes horror movies in his spare time. He even looked kind of creepy, but came out with a soft voice to sing James Morrison’s “Wonderful World”. Kara struggles to match the voice with the look but said yes anyway, as did the other judges.

We learned that Simon is asking all the contestants which 3 countries they think they will be popular in. The most creative answer comes from Alex Wagner-Trugman of Studio City, CA, who invented his own country “Akazia”. He learned how to sing in his bedroom closet, and spent so much time in that closet that he got sick from the mold. Of course homosexual innuendo abounds amongst the judges, though without Ryan in the room. Alex persuades Sexual Chocolate to sing the chorus of “Baby Come to Me” by James Ingram with him, and after being amazed by the Akazia answer Randy agreed. Randy was amazed that Alex sang in tune, while Simon thought it was awful. The chicks sided with Randy and voted Alex to Hollywood.

After the Melody of Shame, Bonjovi’s “Wanted: Dead or Alive”, we conclude with the Tearjerker of the Night, Scott Macintyre from Scottsdale, AZ. Scott has been legally blind since birth with only 2% vision. Despite that, he qualified for attendance at Arizona State University at age 14 and learned how to play piano without being able to see the keys. Scott does a church cantor’s take of Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes” and gets 4 slam-dunk yeses from the judges.

In the end, 27 people out of the 10,000 who showed up earned the golden tickets to Hollywood. Of those that the audience was allowed to see, the ones who stood out were rocker Emily Hughes, the choir boy J.B. Ahfua, bikini girl Katrina Darrell (though not for her singing), horror film maker Cody Sheldon, and Scott Macintyre.

Not too many slams tonight, but I’m a little rusty and it’s getting very late. See you tomorrow night with the auditions from Rocker Dude David Cook’s hometown of Kansas City.

Countdown

Only 3 more days until the circus returns to town. Hope you're all ready...