Dancing Cheek to Cheek

Well I finally got one right. I will miss Cheeky. Not as much as Amanda but I will miss him nonetheless. Let that be a lesson to all the remaining Idol contestants, don't listen to Paula and don't listen to the Idol vocal coach.

Even though I didn't pick either Jason Castro or Syesha Mercado in the bottom 3 I was not surprised to see them there. I also was not surprised to see that Kristy Lee Cook was not in the Bottom 3. Her lucky streak continues, not only because she survived another week but also because she made it to country week, which will be next week with Dolly Parton as the guest mentor. Since Colt 45 is the only one of these cats who can warble like a country singer chances are good that she'll survive yet one more week, and she may not need to sing a patriotic song to do it.

I was surprised that they replayed Simon's comment about someone else picking David Archuleta's song, though Wonder Boy's "Gee, I don't know why he would say that?" reaction was no surprise at all. Of course Simon never said why he made that comment, probably because Stage Dad Archuleta was less than 10 feet away from Cowell and thus within leaping distance on live television. Can you imagine the buzz if there ever was a Jerry Springer moment on this show? I would get 200 hits for sure.

We found out tonight that Carly Smithson is not pregnant, she just didn't sing all that well, apparently because she was wearing a girdle or something to make her look thinner. We also learned that Ramiele Malubay downloads all the male contestant's songs on iTunes. I swear she's got to be sleeping with at least one, maybe two, of them. And apparently David Cook gets his ideas from songs he downloads from iTunes. I wonder if Chris Daughtry's album is available at the iTunes store?

You notice how the promos for the lame ass Idol songwriting competition never mentions the names of the two guys who won last year's competition? It's as if they don't want anyone to enter.

For those of you who wonder why I claim David Cook is imitating Chris Daughtry, check out this video of Daughtry's performance of "I Walk the Line" from Season 5:



The judges complimented Chris on how he stayed true to himself and how he took a well known song and made it his own. Sound familiar? Not that I have a problem with Rocker Dude, but it's such a blatant duplication of Daughtry that there's little wonder why Chris himself doesn't think very highly of this year's contestants.

You know what else is the same, Constantine was in the house both times. That dude has one hell of a shelf life.

Behind The Wall Of Sleep

Why do I get the felling that without either Secret Stripper or the Rock and Roll Nurse that the rest of this season is going to be pretty boring? Amanda Overmyer was the only contestant that had a distinctive, interesting personality, even if she did more grunting than singing. While David Hernandez does not have nearly as engaging personality as Amanda his secret life as a male stripper certainly added some color to this otherwise bland group of contestants. So now we are left with the same usual group of Idol contestants singing the same usual group of Idol songs. I still think it would be cool if Amanda followed the Idol summer tour with performances in the parking lot.

“The countdown to the finale has begun”, declares our lovable host Ryan Seacrest. Didn’t it already start back in the summer? I guess only now these guys are going to get serious.

More teen girl screams from the crowd, though it sounds less than last week except when Simon is introduced. Paula is sporting mittens with the finger tips cut out that appear to have not seen the light of day in about 20 years. Tonight’s contestants will sing a song from the year that they were born. Since these kids are younger than my stereo system it means that I may not be able to recognize these songs.

Ramiele Malubay (1987), “Alone” by Heart: She was born in Saudi Arabia with an ugly looking afro. She used to bite her friends but gave that up when she discovered singing. I suppose we all did stupid things when we were 3 so I can’t hold the biting thing against her. Say, didn’t Carly Smithson already sing this song? Oh, it was another big hair Heart song. The audience starts waving their arms again, either just to annoy me or to distract Ramiele. She starts out alright but like many of her previous performances it is still kind of flat. She finally kicks it up a notch with the big chorus but her “big” voice is being drowned out by the back-up singers, so much so that I can no longer hear Ramiele. Somebody better go find the mix engineer and get him (or her) to turn up the knob on Ramiele’s mic. The parts I heard were OK, though, and it did sound better when they replayed the chorus at the end of the show. The singing sickness that swept through the contestants a month ago has apparently come back to inflict Ramiele, at least that is what the judges and Ryan want us to think. Randy thought the tune was too big for her big voice and remembers that Carly did in fact sing a similar song. Simon thought it was alright and got some cheers, though the shock of this seemed to diminish the reaction. Simon then declares that she’ll still get through despite being sick. Having millions of Filipino-Americans voting for Ramiele probably helps, though Simon neglects to mention this. Ryan already accuses Randy of being too mean, which prompts a school yard style argument between Randy and Simon and leads Paula to declare Ramiele to be “better than good.”

Coming out of the break Ryan pimps the songwriting contest again. Why are they even bothering?

Jason Castro (1987), “Fragile” by Sting: Dude, he’s an Aries and he’s singing on his birthday. Far out, man. We see Jason when he was younger and more normal looking, playing an electronic guitar with his equally normal looking brother. Tonight Jason is again playing with more traditional form of the instrument, heeding Paula’s advice from last week. This time instead of waiving their arms the audience is attempting to clap along. Jason sings the song with a Latin vibe to it and makes some weird facial expressions at the high point of the song, or at least as high as he can get it (pun intended). It was alright, nothing spectacular. Randy thought it was “nice and pleasant”, which I think describes all of Jason’s on-air performances to date. Paula makes some sense when pointing out that Jason was again safe in his zone. So far to my disappointment the drunk chick is behaving herself. Simon challenges Jason to do something different and to stop being so laid back. Yes, it took Mr. Happy 6 weeks to finally point this out. The audience jeers Simon but Randy and Paula both agree that Simon is right. Simon also doesn’t think Jason is taking this too seriously. Ryan asks Jason if he is taking it seriously and he says “uhh, yeah.” I think that speaks for itself.

Syesha Mercado (1987), “If I Were Your Woman” by Stephanie Mills: Born on a “cold winter’s day” in Connecticut. I’m trying to remember what song that phrase came from. Syesha shows off her baby cry for us again, of course with a smile, and then she talks about her days as a spirit girl, the modern day term for cheerleader. She showed a little bit of emotion this time, I guess in response to those who have been criticizing her for being too stiff and unremarkable. Syesha concludes her typical Idol ballad with more vocal gymnastics. She’ll be in heaven if she survives until Mariah Carey week. I didn’t think it was remarkable but it was probably her best performance to date. It was on tune and on pitch and better than either Jason or Ramiele. Randy is shocked by how well Syesha sang and was more excited about her performance than she was. Paula thinks this is the performance that will make her memorable. God knows Syesha needs that right now. Paula then flashes some gang symbols or something while getting on Simon’s case about his less than excited evaluation.

Chikezie Eeze (1985) “If Only for One Night” by Luther Vandross (big surprise there): Cheeky gets the Coca-Cola Interview of the Night as he and Ryan chatted about the song selection. He reveals that the band director and the Idol voice coach (since again this week there was no mentor for me to ridicule) had to persuade him to sing a ballad again after his last attempt was trashed and put him on the verge of elimination. He did better with the bouncy stuff so let’s see how this turns out. It’s full on Luther again, but a bit pitchy in spots. The audience is now both waving and clapping, as if they are reading my mind and want to maximize their ability to annoy me. Cheeky finds a tweener in the audience to sing to. Dude, she’s way too young for you. He struggles at the end with the low pitch but it was alright, better than the last time he tried a slow number. Randy didn’t love it for Cheeky; he wanted to see the bouncy guy from the last two weeks. Simon thought he sang it well (no reaction from the audience) but that the performance was too cheesy (boos from the audience). He disapproved of Cheeky singing to the girl in the front row, to which Paula replies “He gave love to the girls that were reaching up to him.” I never though of Cheeky as being a cradle robber. I had to rewind the DVR 3 times to make out what Paula said. Simon wants to see more originality and personality and less Luther, which Randy quickly agrees. It is scary how often Randy and Simon are agreeing tonight, almost as scary as how sober Paula’s comments have been so far.

So far there have been four performances and all four have been ballads, confirming my initial fears that this was going to turn into a snooze fest without the Rock and Roll Nurse.

Brooke White (1983), “Every Breath You Take” by The Police: Somehow I don’t think Brooke is going to liven things up here. She’s the oldest of four kids and I’m not surprised to hear this. I would hate to have Brooke as my mother. I can’t imagine the amount of scolding she would bring. Brooke's Mom looks almost as old as her daughter. This is an interesting song choice, which is about the only interesting thing about her performance. She starts the song and then quickly remembers that she’s playing the piano too, so being the ringer that she is Brooke starts the song over. Randy looks like he’s about to fall asleep. I hadn’t noticed until now but her eyes are closed for almost the entire song. Maybe she’s sleeping too. Yet another snoozer from Snow White. Poison apples for everyone! Randy loved that she caught herself at the beginning and digged it when it was just her and the piano, but that it all went bad when the band kicked in. I guess that’s when he woke up. Paula lauds her for being “unique and have her own niche” but fails to define exactly what that niche is. Simon agrees with Randy yet again, this most be some kind of record. Brooke again profusely thanks the judges for the criticism, thanks the audience for their screams and for staying awake, and thanks Ryan for being Ryan.

Ryan pimps a new contest, to design the Coke glasses that holds Paula’s booze. I guess the songwriting contest and the talent level of this year’s group of contestants are not generating the kind of publicity that the Idol producers had hoped.

Michael Johns (1978), “We Will Rock You”/”We Are the Champions” by Queen: I guess they went Down Under and tracked down Poser Mate’s parents, who described how competitive Michael has always been. Really, that’s news to me. Michael again tells us about how good a tennis player he could have been if he hadn’t discovered singing. Finally somebody is singing a song loud enough to drown out the back-up singers. Michael’s song is loud alright, complete with lots of shouting both from Michael and from the audience. He gets pitchy when he actually has to sing the chorus of the second number, and that only got worse until the end. At least it wasn’t a ballad. It was his best performance so far. See what happens when you stop singing and just shout the whole song, Michael? You can learn something from that other poser David Cook. The judges are all smiles because it wasn’t a ballad and they managed to stay awake for the whole song. The girls are screaming so loud that no one can hear Randy’s comments, which were all complimentary. Paula and Simon were similarly positive and similarly drown out by the screams.

Carly Smithson (1983), “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler: She’s a Virgo, and again I’m not surprised. Carly’s Mom named her after Carly Simon, whose song was playing on the radio on the way to the hospital. It’s back to the standard Idol ballad. She starts out alright but then suddenly bottoms out right before the chorus. Carly picks it up well with the big chorus, but she looks like she’s upset as she sings it, or maybe she’s passing a kidney stone. Perhaps she is angry about being in the Bottom 3 last week. Seems like it to me. She is a broken bird after all, and broken birds need love and support. Her performance was alright but not much different from last week when she ended up in the Bottom 3. Randy thought it was the wrong song for Carly, and Paula can’t believe it. Neither can I because this is the same stuff Carly's being singing since the auditions. Paula loves how she sang the song at the end and Randy can’t believe it. Now that I can believe. Simon picked up on her tenseness and I believe he was absolutely correct. Ryan calls for extra security, but for Randy instead of Simon. The Dawg is clearly not digging the ballads tonight.

David "EEEEK" Archuleta (1990), “You’re the Voice” by David Foster and Jeff Pescetto: Wonder Boy too gets the Coca-Cola interview treatment. He’s going to miss his prom because of Idol and the girls in the mosh pit all volunteer to be his date, until Ryan reveals that David’s girlfriend is in the audience. Uh-oh, that might have lost him some votes before he even sings a note. We see David dancing some Honduran cultural dance with his sister, which Wonder Boy promises not to duplicate for the show. It is an interesting arrangement, more up tempo than the ballads he usually does. For some reason there is not as much screeching from the audience. I wonder if David’s girlfriend is calling her phone company and asking for an unlisted number. It’s a decent performance and again he remembered all of the words. Still, it wasn’t one of his best. Apparently Simon is the only one who heard this song before, as both Randy and Paula look more confused than usual. I must admit that I’ve never heard of it either, but I expected that since Wonder Boy was born after I graduated from college and stopped listening to the radio. Paula thinks David could sing the phone book and everyone would love him. Simon trashes David’s singing to a level that we’ve never heard from the judges before and the extra security rushes over from Randy to him. Simon thought it was an amusement park like performance and declares that he would be amazed if David chose the song himself, which no one, especially the screamers, picks up on. Perhaps fearing that David’s Stage Dad will storm the set and attack Simon Ryan quickly reads off the phone number and goes to the break.

Kristy Lee Cook (1984),”God Bless the U.S.A.” by Lee Greenwood: Kristy’s parents talk about her singing from the age of 2 but neglect the mention the wrestling. Why does nobody mention this anymore? Her singing got on her family’s nerves and I no longer feel alone. It is another interesting song choice in that it doesn’t leave much doubt who Colt 45 wants to appeal to. The pitch is all over the map and she misses the jump to the final chorus. It would have sounded good over tinny loudspeakers at a NASCAR race but it seems odd here, and I like NASCAR (no, really I do, Smoke is my man). Paula lauds the song choice and then backhandedly criticizes her singing. Simon does a 180 and declares it was Kristy’s best performance by a mile. He also lauds the song choice for being one of the most brilliant ones in the history of the show, sending Kristy into a spin. It was a brilliant political song choice in more ways than one. If you can’t wow them with your singing, rope them in with your patriotism. This girl is smarter than I gave her credit for.

David Cook (1982), “Billie Jean”, Chris Cornell’s version of the Michael Jackson song: I knew eventually Rocker Dude would get the closer spot. David got his first guitar at age 2 and has never put it down since. He’s singing the Chris Cornell’s version but his guitarist seems to be playing the Michael Jackson version instead, at least until the two finally get in sync (sponsored by Ford). Rocker Dude too goes the ballad approach but at least it’s more of a rock style and not the sappy stuff everyone else has done tonight. It’s a nice spin on a very well known song. Maybe not his best but it was better than most tonight. Randy declares David the “most original, most bold contestant we’ve ever had” and I can’t believe it. Apparently The Dawg has already forgotten about not only Chris Daughtry but also Amanda Overmyer. Dude, Randy thinks David might win “the whole lot.” Paula lauds him for his bravery and brilliance for basically doing what Chris Daughtry did with “I Walk the Line” two years ago. At least they were up front about it this time instead of leading us to believe that Rocker Dude arranged it himself. It was good, but hardly original or brave.

The Final Score: Only 9 shots at Paula, 6 shots at Simon, 10 shots at Randy, and 6 shots at Ryan. This is the first time that The Dawg has led this list. 10 shots at the audience, also a first. 2 references to Chris Daughtry, no references to Kelly Clarkson, and 2 other references to a former Idol contestant. 9 ballads, 6 times when Randy and Simon agreed, 2 promos for iTunes, 2 Idol contests that no one cares about, 1 reference to another sport, 1 acknowledged illness, and 3 threats to the judges’ security. And I am ready for bed.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Cook’s impressions of Chris Daughtry continue to keep him on this list. Syesha Mercado’s ballad was better than anyone else’s ballad. I’ll award Michael Johns the third star only because he was the only one who didn’t sing a ballad.

Idol Gives Back: As it appears that I’m now posting after results shows I think I will suspend this section until I stop bothering to do a separate post.

The Fearless Prediction: Despite being freed from my promise I’m not going to predict Kristy Lee Cook to go. I suspect there may be a lot of support for her outside of anyone who watches the show. There are any number of contenders for the Bottom 3 this week. I suspect Carly Smithson will be back there only because she didn’t step up her game from a week ago but again she won’t be voted off. For once I agreed with the judges’ assessment of Brooke White’s performance, so based on karma alone she should be in the Bottom 3. Ramiele Malubay could be in trouble, but I suspect that the dude that’ll be voted off will be Chikezie Eeze. I think his ballad reminded voters why he has on the endangered list going into the final 12 and that will ultimately prove to be his downfall.

Hits From Hell Week

Since it seems that American Idol is now starved for show themes, I thought I would take this opportunity between shows to come up with one of my own. I was thinking, if this truly is the most talented group of contestants in Idol history, then they should really be put to the test. Not with Beatles songs or Whitney songs or Mariah Carey songs, no sir. If you want to see how talented these contestants really are they should asked to sing really crappy songs. The worst of the worst. The hit parade from Hell. It's easy to sound good when you're singing "Imagine", but they would have to work a lot harder to sound good singing "Cherokee People". Don't you think?

I tried to match up these highly talented singers with some highly awful songs (and no, I wasn't driving this time when I did this), and here is what I came up with:

Brooke White – Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille
Carly Smithson – Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves by Cher
Chikezie Eeze – Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
David Archuleta – Feelings by Morris Albert
David Cook – Mr. Roboto by Styx
Jason Castro – Reminiscing by The Little River Band
Ramiele Malubay – You Light Up My Life by Debby Boone
Kristy Lee Cook – Afternoon Delight by The Starland Vocal Band
Michael Johns – Do Ya Think I’m Sexy by Rod Stewart
Syesha Mercado – Xanadu by Olivia Newton John

And just so they won't feel left out...

Amanda Overmyer – Convoy by C.W. McCall
David Hernandez – YMCA by The Village People

Actually, I think if "Convoy" was on the list of approved songs during 70's week Amanda would have probably sang it. There's still time for Poser Mate to try the Stewart number though.

It is only a coincidence that all of these songs are from the 70's, but then again it was the decade where bad songs sold well.

Not only would this be a challenge for the singers, it would be a challenge for the judges too, especially dear lovable Paula Abdul. Can you imagine how difficult it would be for her to come up with something positive to say after all these songs? Maybe we can have Syesha sing "Forever Your Girl" instead just to ease her pain. I can also imagine Simon Cowell taking bug gulps of whatever booze Paula has in her cup after each of these songs. Hell, so would I, but that's part of what would make this such a cool night.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer Falls on the Rock and Roll Nurse

I must admit that I was surprised. Surprised that Ringer Girl was in the Bottom 3. Surprised that her male counterpart Poser Mate wasn't. Surprised that Colt 45 somehow managed to stay on the show for yet another week. I think she should change her name to Kristy Lee Cat, because she's got more lives than even Phil Stacey. At least now I am free to again predict that she will be voted off next week, and the week after that, and the week after that...

Most of all I was surprised that Bride of Frankenstein, my personal favorite and the pick of Vote for the Worst, got voted off so early. I figured it would be at least 3 more weeks before the Idol producers dumped her. And here I thought I was only kidding about the flat bed truck show arriving at a bar parking lot near you. I know that she had no chance of winning but she was at least entertaining and original unlike the rest of the posers that were sitting over on the coach. Now she won't get to go on the tour and instead it'll feature 10 bland singers doing 10 bland songs. That's alright, I'm sure that I'll have a schedule conflict when the Idol tour arrives anyway. Hey, maybe Amanda can follow the Idol tour around the country and perform in the parking lot!

How many more weeks until the Idol producers realize how dumb the phone in segment is, especially when everybody except it seems Ryan Seacrest know what the caller's questions are? Speaking of surprises, one thing that didn't surprise me was Ramiele Malubay's latest iPod download.

Funny, I don't remember Kellie Pickler's melons being that big before... Check out her Idol audition from two years ago and judge for yourself.

Being For The Benefit of Mr. Jackson

The producers of American Idol apparently want to get their money’s worth out of the king’s ransom that they paid Wacko Jacko, so for the second straight week we get to hear the strains, in more ways than one, of the Lennon/McCartney songbook.

Thus far we haven’t been subjected to the sage advice of performing mentors. This of course robs me of one of my most reliable targets of my wit and humor. Let’s be honest, there is only so many things I can say about Paula Abdul and her wacky, drunken habits. I suppose Paul McCartney would have agreed to appear as a mentor had the Idol producers agreed to call it the McCartney/Lennon songbook instead of the Lennon/McCartney songbook. I bet Ringo Starr would have been happy to appear instead, except that most of the Idol contestants would have likely seen Ringo and asked “Who are you?”

Ryan opens the show by telling us that the Beatles week is back “by popular demand.” Funny, I don’t remember there being a vote on this.

For some reason each of the contestants, especially Wonder Boy, look like they are scared to death while they are being introduced, even though the audience of 500 people are screaming for each of them. The judges, of course, are completely the opposite from the doe-eyed singers. Randy is seen yawning as he is introduced, something that Ryan continues to rag him about instead of going after Simon. Surprisingly, the loudest screams (from the audience, not Ryan) are for Simon. Yes, even louder than the contestants. One blonde chick in the audience thinks Simon is sexy. Obviously she’s a plant.

It sounds like this week the contestants will be allowed to sing any Beatles song, even the ones written by George Harrison and Ringo Starr. Let’s see if anyone upsets Michael Jackson’s mortgage payments and tries a Ringo Starr song. The video intro looks almost exactly the same as the one they played last year for British Invasion Week, even though not a single Beatles song was sang then.

Amanda Overmyer, “Back in the U.S.S.R.”: Up until now she’s been performing on flat bed trucks instead of stages. That’s our Rock and Roll Nurse, keeping it real. This week she’s back to the more subdued semi-regular hair style, so I might need to consider changing her race horse name. Amanda promised to put her own “Southern blues” style (I guess that’s what you would call it, even though she's from Indiana) to it, and she is certainly doing that. However I don’t think she sang a single note. Randy thought it was pitchy. I would think Amanda would have had to actually sang the words in order for them to be pitchy, but then I haven’t worked with Whitney and Mariah so who am I to question The Dawg? Paula wants Amanda to do a “vulnerable ballad”. God help us if Amanda follows that advice. Simon thinks she’s become too predictable by being unpredictable, or something like that. Amanda blows off Simon’s advice and pimps her flat-bed truck show, coming to bar parking lot near you.

Kristy Lee Cook, “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”: I hope Colt 45 sings well or else I’ll be 0-2 with my fearless predictions, because I’m not going to pick her to be voted off this week after getting burned for three straight weeks predicting that she was a goner. Kristy shows us her photo book that she claims is keeping her real. Considering all of the things that she has neglected to tell us in recent weeks, like for example her recording contract, one wonders how effective this photo book can really be. She picked this song for its title only and then claims in her video intro that she will sing it straight rather than go all country. Sure enough, from the first note it’s a different arrangement from the original. Yup, she’s keeping it real all right. She didn’t sing it country style though, so there was some truth to what she said. Kristy instead goes for a Dusty Springfield arrangement, complete with the big boots. Real pitchy too, even more than Amanda’s. Still, it wasn’t a complete train wreck and it didn’t make me dizzy like her performance last week. Randy and Paula both thought it was boring and safe. After three weeks in the bottom 2 I would be safe too. Then again, what does she have to lose? Simon trashes her but concedes that she was better than last week. Kristy claims she can blow Simon out of his socks, but since we haven’t seen that yet so I again question this chick’s credibility. Ryan can’t get over the visual of Simon losing his socks.

David Archuleta, "The Long and Winding Road”: Last week he sang the one Beatles song that he claimed he heard before and it was a total mess. So what’s going to happen, assuming Wonder Boy told the truth of course, when he tries a song that he’s never heard before? What will his Stage Dad do if David messes this one up? Gee whiz, he tells us “The Long and Winding Road” was The Beatles' last hit. Thanks for the history lesson, kid, at least I was alive when it was released. The girls scream whenever he hits a big note, about 15 or so times during the song. David is in decent voice tonight and he remembered all of the words this time, which sends the girls into a frenzy when he’s done. Now I thought it was as safe a performance as Kristy’s, but because he’s Wonder Boy the judges fall over themselves praising David for his masterful performance. I mean, it was alright but it didn’t blow my socks off. Paula loved it for its “purity” and for “rising above adversity”. Oh please, there are contestants on this show whose parents died or in rehab or who were on the verge of elimination multiple times. Wonder Boy only had one bad week and he’s praised for overcoming adversity?

Ryan pulls out an iPhone from the audience, likely a plant, and pimps the phone, iTunes, and the Idol web site all in about three sentences. That’s why this trained seal is getting paid the big bucks.

Michael Johns, “A Day in the Life”: Michael brags about how well he sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” during Hollywood Week. I'll let that go without further comment. Interesting song choice, I wondered if anyone was going to try this song. Michael is back doing the odd hand movements again, and then falls about three keys short on “House of Lords”. The McCartney middle section sounded like Michael was high on weed, which McCartney might have been when he wrote it. Oh what a mess. The only notes he hit were the ones that he shouted. At least he remembered all the lyrics. Randy pointed out that Michael hasn’t quite hit his “vehicle” yet, which makes sense to me despite the odd analogy. Paula thought he was better during rehearsal and postulates that Michael might have been thrown off by reverb from his earpieces, only to discover later that Michael wasn’t wearing the earpieces. Simon gloats about how Paula was just exposed for the drunk that she is, but nevertheless Paula still tries to defend her comment instead of just sliding back in her chair and downing a shot of whiskey. Never mind that the guy’s a pro who undoubtedly worn earpieces while performing before. Simon then declares Michael’s performance to be a mess, which draws a sneer from the poser. No comparisons to Carly though.

Brooke White, “Here Comes the Sun”: Perhaps her ugly yellow dress will keep me awake this week. It would have been perfect had she sang "Golden Slumbers" but sadly she did not. I spoke today with the colleague who Brooke resembles and she doesn’t see the resemblance, but then she’s been out of the country for several weeks so she hasn’t been studying up on Idol like I have. Brooke's performance of “Let It Be” was one of the most memorable moments of her life, proof yet again that she doesn’t have a life. Brooke’s the first one who tries a George Harrison number and twirls on stage between the first and second stanza. See, if pencil girl Kady Malloy had done this during the semis she’d still be gracing us with her presence instead of pouting at home. Brooke’s singing is less pitchy and more personal than last week, a decent if still somewhat sleepy performance. I kind of liked it, so of course all three judges hated it. Yes, even Paula had critical things to say, though the yellow dress wasn’t one of them. Brooke of course agrees with all the criticism. Indeed she’s more critical than they are. I’m just totally missing something here.

Ryan pimps iTunes again, this time from the girly mosh pit at the front of the stage. Not a single boy in sight.

David Cook, “Day Tripper”: He’s going to try the Whitesnake version of the song. Why am I not surprised? I am surprised, though, that there is a Whitesnake version of this song. The mosh pit girls are again screaming with every big note, though none are pulling their tops off so Rocker Dude hasn’t quite reached the rock god status that he aspires to be. David brings back the guitar and then works a voice box into the song even though he’s never used one before. It’s yet another Chris Daughtry-like performance; Paula even tells David the same things she told Chris two years ago. My Mom told me on Sunday that she doesn’t like Rocker Dude despite the resemblance to Daughtry. This is from the person that boycotted Season 6 because she was so upset that Daughtry didn’t win in Season 5. Simon tries to knock David down a peg thinking that his ego has gotten too big. There’s room for only one egomaniac on this show apparently. Ryan comes over and knocks David down with the voice box stand then says that Simon gave him “good advice”. There’s Ryan, standing up for his man.

Paula mocks Simon’s British accent claiming that Simon thinks “Blackbird” used to be called “Sparrow”. The faux accent causes Simon to upchuck his soda. The rest of us just marvel in the wonder that is Paula Abdul. Like the trained seal that he is Ryan soldiers on and name drops Mariah Carey before Randy can. Rumor has it she’ll be one of the mentors this season. I can hardly wait.

Carly Smithson, “Blackbird”: So now we know why Paula and Simon were talking about “Blackbird”, or I guess "Sparrow". Carly’s most memorable moment this season was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. I know that it would be a highlight of my life if someone compared me to her. Carly again shows off her vocal range, and actually puts some life into a rather dull song. Vote for the Worst may hate her but I’m finding it harder and harder to do that. Randy impresses Paula by inventing a word, “coolioest”. Simon again trashes the song choice, and this time instead of sulking Carly comes back and challenges him on it, leaving Mr. Happy momentarily speechless for once. Finally Simon comes back and claims that he feels uncomfortable because Carly thinks of herself as a broken bird. Now that’s just weak. I expected better.

Jason Castro, “Michelle”: Jason learned French just for the song. Ryan learned French just to introduce Jason’. For somebody who has never spoken French he’s got the accent down pretty well. He’s almost laughing as he sings it though, as if he can’t believe what is coming out of his mouth. It’s a little more animated than Quiet Man’s usual performances, though not necessarily better. It was alright, though a little flat. Randy though it was subdued “this time”. Has he been watching this show at all? Paula is now uncomfortable with Jason without the guitar, a 180 degree opposite from her advice from a few weeks ago. This should be a lesson to all the contestants, not even Paula listens to her own advice so neither should any of them. Simon liked his facial expressions but not much else. They were amusing, I’ll give Simon that.

Syesha Mercado, “Yesterday”: Let’s see if last week’s scare puts some life into Syesha’s thus far bland performances. She suggests that it will in her video intro. She has a new hair style at least and brought her Mom and Dad, fresh out of rehab, in from Miami too. Her voice is good but she’s having problems keeping up with the guitarist. Not the band, just a guitarist. The girls in the mosh pit continue to shout after every big note, which on this song is really distracting. Despite the screams from the peanut gallery Syesha manages one of her better performances. She hit all the notes and not a single smile until she was done, and for once we finally saw at least some personality besides the smile. It might even have been good enough to keep her on the show.

Ryan again pimps the iTunes with some old guy, perhaps the only one of the 500 in the audience who is older than me.

Chikezie Eeze, “I’ve Just Seen a Face”: I must admit I’ve never heard of this song before. Cheeky wants to be one of the cool kids and play an instrument even though he’s never played one before. So he went out and bought a harmonica and actually manages to get a few notes out during the song. He starts the song like yet another Luther ballad and then initiates an up tempo country arrangement with the harmonica. After that he should just stick with the singing and forget about being cool. It was quite an interesting performance. Randy thought it was strange. Paula thought Cheeky was showing who he was. Sure, after several weeks of Luther imitations Paula thinks bluegrass country is the real Chikezie. Simon hated the country part and thought that Paula was full of it. Even though there’s still 15 minutes left to the show and only one performer left Ryan doesn’t let Cheeky fire back at Simon (though that didn’t stop Paula from doing so). Again, Ryan is protecting his man.

Oh joy, Idol is doing another songwriting contest again this year. Considering how much last year’s song sucked I hoped that they wouldn’t do it again. Of course it's more material for me so I'm not all that disappointed.

Ramiele Malubay, “I Should Have Known Better”: Since she’s been rewarded the primo closer spot Pinoy's Lullaby better sing a big ole’ ballad or Randy’s going to be all over her again. No, I don’t mean that literally even though The Dawg probably weighs 3 times as much as little Ramiele. Ramiele is seen bonding with all of the other contestants in her video, leading me again to question if she’s swinging from both sides of the plate. Instead of a ballad she tries a little bouncy ditty with lots of swinging shoulders and shaking hips. She does manage to break in a few big notes to get the girls screaming. Not bad, it was better than last week. Randy didn’t trash her this time. Paula, though, still pines for the ballads, which Ramiele promises to do next week if she doesn’t suffer an emotional breakdown on the results show. Simon rips the song choice but holds back a bit after dumping on her last week. I don’t think Mr. Happy was happy with anyone tonight, except for Wonder Boy of course.

Ryan closed the show in his typical manner, but he actually thanked a visibly upset Simon this time. Mr. Happy looked like he would be somewhere else if the Idol producers weren’t paying him millions of dollars to be there and be cranky.

The Final Score: 13 shots at the drunk chick, 7 shots at Mr. Happy, 5 shots at The Dawg, and 10 shots at the ambiguously gay host. 2 references at Chris Daughtry, 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, and 1 other reference to a former Idol contestant (from this season though). 3 pimp spots for iTunes, 3 questions about contestant’s credibility, 2 references to trained seals, 2 plants in the audience (3 if you count the old guy), 1 George Harrison song, no Ringo Starr songs, 1 reference to my Mom, and too many screaming girls.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Like Cheeky last week, Syesha Mercado needed a big performance to stay in the game and she may have pulled it off. Carly Smithson was her steady self. David Archuleta re-established himself as the front runner after last week’s train wreck.

Idol Gives Back: David Hernandez wasn’t the worst singer in this competition or even the worst singer last week, but after his dirty little secret become public he needed to sing like Wonder Boy every week to avoid giving the Idol producers any opening to dump his butt and distance themselves from the Secret Stripper. Sadly for him, he fell short last week and it’s back to the “pizza bistro” for David.

The Fearless Prediction: I can’t predict Kristy Lee Cook will be a goner but there’s nothing that prevents me from putting Colt 45 in the Bottom 3. After talking down her own performance and agreeing with the judges’ criticism I could see Brooke White here as well, just when I was starting to stay awake during her performances. Chikezie Eeze could be back in the relegation zone again, though his performance last week should still be good for at least one more week before he has to worry. Without Kristy I will go with my other Bottom 3 favorite, Michael Johns, as the dude that’ll be voted off tomorrow. And no, if Kristy is voted off instead I’m still going to allow myself the opportunity to predict that Poser Mate will be voted off next week.

Hello Goodbye

I was not too surprised that David Hernandez left tonight. I think he's got a better singing voice than many of this year's contestants, but once his dirty little secret got out there was no margin for error for him.

Syesha Mercado in the Bottom 3 was a little surprising, but not too much. And somehow, someway, Kristy Lee Cook's dreams of winning survive for yet another week. I am a man of my word, I will not pick her to be voted off next week no matter how bad she does.

One interesting note, when the results of each contestant was revealed we saw shots of that contestant's family/support group, and guess who was identified as Ramiele Malubay's "best friend"? It was her BFF Danny Noriega!

It was nice of Paula to confirm that her head is on her shoulders. She also seemed to have taken Ryan's place as the prime pimper of the talent level this year. I don't know if I agree with Paula's assessment that this is the most talented Bottom 3 in Idol history, but I think it's fair to say that David Hernandez is the best known 12th Place finisher in Idol history. Nothing like a little shake and bake to make yourself famous.

It was also nice to see that Ruben Studdard is getting a check, but I still think Chris Daughtry's "Home" is a much better song.

Here's the big news from today, courtesy of Entertainment Tonight:

David Archuleta's So-Called 'Stage Dad'?




Photo Copyright 2008 Ray Mickshaw/ FOX / FOX

Was there more than just nerves behind 17-year-old DAVID ARCHULETA's shaky performance on last night's "American Idol"?

The early favorite was definitely off his game and even forgot several lines during his version of THE BEATLES' "We Can Work It Out." Sources are telling ET the singer may be feeling the pressure from his "stage father" JEFF ARCHULETA, who reportedly yelled at David during a recording session Monday. Sources say Dad wasn't happy with his son's singing -- and even brought him to tears. Neither Jeff nor reps for "American Idol" would comment on the alleged incident.

Update: LYNN and ALEX, writers of entertainment blog http://www.laragmag.com/ tell ET that this may not be the first time Jeff has lost it -- they tell us that he was banned from the set of "Star Search" when a 12-year-old David competed on the program. The writers explain that there were rumors that Jeff had allegedly harassed a girl named TIFFANY who was David's competition in the contest.

I'm A Loser

On the train on the way home from work I saw a woman reading a book titled: “Getting Out: The Guide to Leaving America.” I stood there thinking, why would anyone want to leave America when the 12 most talented contestants in the history of American Idol are on TV each week singing for our vote? Who would want to miss out on that?

It also occurred to me that there are a lot of other countries that have their own versions of Idol. I know Indonesia has one since I remember watching it while sitting in the waiting room of the Banda Aceh airport. Why I was in the airport in Banda Aceh, Indonesia is a subject for another blog. Many of these same countries also broadcast the American version of Idol, at least if Ryan Seacrest is to be believed, yet outside of occasional broadcasts of Britain’s Pop Idol on BBC America I have never seen any other country’s version of Idol shown on American TV. Why is American Idol so special that so many other countries broadcast it along with their own shows? And if American Idol is that special then why would anyone want to get out of America?

In keeping with the theme of my last post I have come up with racing horse names for all 12 Idol contestants. See what you think about these pieces of vivid imagination:

David Archuleta: Wonder Boy
Carly Smithson: Ringer Girl
David Cook: Rocker Dude
Ramiele Malubay: Pinoy’s Lullaby
David Hernandez: Secret Stripper
Jason Castro: Quiet Man
Amanda Overmyer: Bride of Frankenstein
Michael Johns: Posing Mate
Syesha Mercado: Yes in Her Name
Brooke White: Snow White
Kristy Lee Cook: Colt 45
Chikezie Eeze: God’s Jacuzzi

Some I admit are more creative than others, but I was on the freeway driving home from the train station when I came up with these so there was only so much thought I could put into them. Feel free to send me any suggestions for better names. If they're clean and reasonably creative I'll proudly steal them to use in future posts.

From the very first sentence Ryan pimps the contestants, followed by all new graphics but the same old theme song. The new set gets a standing ovation from the audience. The Idol band has been banished to nosebleed seats above the stage. Same old judges though, including Paula with her seal clap and Simon with his chest hair showing. The contestants come out all wearing black, white, or grey. Not a single primary color among them.

So here we go with the Top 12, otherwise known as the Michael Jackson Benefit Concert. Each contestant will be performing a song from the Lennon/McCartney songbook thanks to the millions paid by the Idol producers to Wacko Jacko. The video intro seems to be avoiding mentioning the word “Beatles” for some reason. I wonder if this means we’ll hear a bunch of Wings songs.

Syesha Mercado, “Got to Get You into My Life”: I’m glad the producers are allowing the contestants to announce which song they are singing, something that they didn’t do in the semi-finals. I can probably guess the songs this week but there will be weeks when your humble judge would otherwise struggle with this. Cheeky is probably upset since it’s the only Lennon/McCartney song that I know of that's been done as an R&B number (Earth, Wind & Fire did this for those of you scoring at home). Syesha’s singing has some spirit but she’s randomly missing a bunch of notes. That is until she starts shouting, or as Randy and Paula put it she found her voice. Syesha does an Oscar worthy performance when Simon actually compliments her. Being the first singer of the night probably had a lot to do with her shaky singing. You could almost hear the nerves. At least she still has her smile.

Chikezie Eeze, “She’s a Woman”: Cheeky apparently checked Paula’s baggage while working security at LAX. Fortunately for Paula he declines to reveal what he found in the bags. I’m sure Paula spends a lot of time at the duty free stores. He’s singing this song with a very interesting arrangement, starting with banjo and fiddle accompaniment and then switching to an up-tempo rock and roll number. Since the lyrics of this song are rather dull and repetitive this was a smart gamble. He breaks out some spastic yet rhythmic shouting that I’m not sure is imitating James Brown, Joe Cocker, or Amanda Overmyer. I kind of liked it; the singing, not the spasms. I don’t know if it’s enough to keep him on the show but he certainly gave it everything he had. Ryan seems more excited than Cheeky, so much so that he’s running out of breath while giving out the phone number.

Ramiele Malubay, “In My Life”: We hear of Ramiele’s life at the sushi bar, though no mention of her melon squeezing. She’s dedicated the song to her “close friends who’ve left the show already.” I wonder which one of her boyfriends she’s referring to. After avoiding lullabies since Week One she sings this song just like one, complete with the arm waiving in the audience. No big notes from the little girl until the end, but it was generally on point and pitch. No shouting this time, though judging from the judges’ reactions they seem to prefer shouting to actual singing. Randy was disappointed that the earth didn’t move for him. If you want the earth to move, Dawg, get out of your chair. Paula criticizes her for being too safe, and for once I think she makes sense (I know, amazes me too). Simon reacts as if he’s just been shot, wincing while whining about how boring it was. For once, Randy agrees with Simon and questions whether or not she’ll even be back next week. C’mon, it wasn’t that bad, though it was a let down after God's Jacuzzi rocked the house.

Jason Castro, “If I Fell”: He tells us that he failed music class at Texas A&M. Why wasn’t that his most embarrassing moment? Jason teases singing “Yesterday” in his video intro but instead goes for a less known and thus less challenging number. The guitar of course is back, in defiance of Paula’s advice from two weeks ago. He’s having trouble with the high notes but the lower ones are generally OK. Perhaps it was better that Jason didn’t sing “Yesterday” after all. Typical folksy stuff from Quiet Man. To Simon’s mock surprise, Paula disagrees with Randy’s comment that the song didn’t connect with him. Paula like her songs like her men, simple. So now we know which contestant Paula most wants to sleep with this year. Simon found it boring, though not as much as Ramiele’s. Simon is the first to question why Jason keeps singing the same way every week. I can answer that, because he can’t sing any other way. Simon’s comment about Jason’s singing like a student singing in his bedroom leads to more confusing and sexually suggestive banter between Simon and Ryan. One of these days our host should just come out of the closet and put an end to this. Maybe he and Secret Stripper can do it together.

Carly Smithson, “Come Together”: Carly is subjected to the Coca-Cola interview of the week, which consists of Ryan asking about her living arrangements and her grocery list. She’s bunking up with Amanda, and it sounds like they just sit around and compare tattoos. Carly tweaks the song “a bit” by turning this simple song into one raunchy little number. I think for the first time Carly has really cut loose with the vocals. Actual singing instead of shouting for a change. I think it’s the best of the night so far. Simon finally likes the song choice, much to Carly’s surprise. She almost collapses in shock. Simon then goes the extra mile and compares her to Kelly Clarkson, which I only mention so I can count the reference at the end and maybe get an extra hit or two.

David Cook, “Eleanor Rigby”: David’s video shows the goofy partial Mohawk that he had at his auditions. He also smashes his guitar in the video to declare that he’s going to sing it without the strings. David, this is Beatles week, not The Who week. The arrangement still has a rock flavor to it though. Five notes in and I think I’m watching and hearing Chris Daughtry. Same sound, similar look, only with hair. Lots of shouting, but to his credit it’s more melodic shouting than the others. Yeah, I think he did a good job. Paula declares that there is “more than one horse in this race.” She must be reading my blog too, just like Ryan. Randy and Paula then try and goof on Simon by trying to guess what horse he would be. I didn't bother to note what their guesses were. Simon actually thinks David could win Idol if this were a purely talent competition. Sadly for Rocker Dude it’s not. Good performance though.

Brooke White, “Let It Be”: Let’s she if she can keep me awake and how much the judges will praise her Sominex like performances. She loves Sgt. Pepper but chooses “Let It Be” instead. She should show some guts and sing “A Day in the Life” or something like that. Right off the bat she’s having pitch problems. The piano’s in tune, even though I can barely hear it. Brooke’s singing remains pitchy until she resorts to shouting like all the otherzzzzzzz. Oh, she’s done. Randy lauds her for taking chances by singing a popular song. This is Beatles music, Dawg; all of the songs are popular. Paula talks about making emotional connections again. I think I need to call the phone company because I’m not receiving these calls. Simon loves Brooke's performance for the third straight week. The judges again think she did better than I did for the third straight week. All this praise causes Brooke to get all Ramiele on us. I think she honestly can’t believe that she’s on this show. I’m having a hard time with that myself.

David Hernandez, “I Saw Her Standing There”: David mentions that he worked at a pizza bistro and was a student at Arizona State. He neglects to mention his “other” job. He took a Beatles class at ASU, confirming what I’ve always suspected about that party school. David goes all Taylor Hicks by running around the audience and loses his breath in the process. The song has kind of a Dave Clark 5 arrangement to it, which demonstrates why Idol is having a Beatles week and not a Dave Clark 5 week. It was OK but the vocal was not as good as some of his previous performances. Somebody’s moving chairs around behind the judges during Randy’s critique, which throws off Paula so much that she was actually critical. The audience is silent, likely in shock. Ryan thinks that David has had a “stressful week” but doesn’t explain why, though perhaps he doesn’t need to. This show is full of hidden messages tonight.

Amanda Overmyer, “You Can’t Do That”: The hair style is more stylish than last week but less wild than two weeks ago. Amanda has never heard this song before this week, but promises to put her special spin on it. That could mean just about anything. This ought to be interesting, but I would expect nothing less from Amanda. She definitely as a unique style and it’s on full display here. She’s back doing that annoying rock scat thing again. It wasn’t much of a singing performance but it was a very spirited show. I think she would have done better if she had sang something more wild like “Helter Skelter” or “Run For Your Life”, but it was still fine. Paula loves that Simon can only understand about 30% of the words. Amanda’s, not Paula’s.

Michael Johns, “Across the Universe”: This song seems to be important to him personally. Let’s see if we can actually hear it in his singing for once. Unlike most of the others tonight he does his song straight. Well what do you know, he actually can sing a little. He does the entire song without shouting a single note. There were a little pitch problems here and there but it was as good as we’ve heard from him so far. It put Randy to sleep though. How he managed to stay awake during Snow White’s performance but doze off here is a mystery to me. Paula lauds his inner confidence, something that Michael seems to have no shortage of. Simon again links him up with Carly and wanted Michael to change up the song like she did. Clearly Simon is going to be comparing Michael to Carly every week until Posing Mate gets tossed out or quits.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Eight Days a Week”: We see the horses again but still no mention of the mixed martial arts. In her video she promises to revise the song into a country number. Boy has she ever. We’ve suddenly switched from American Idol to Hee Haw, complete with about 20 strings and all the twang I can stand. The vocals are OK but the arrangement just threw me off. Way off. This was just wrong. The flying stars on the screen behind her didn’t help, instead it reactivated my vertigo. Paula has nothing positive to say and looks like she’s been shot, leaving Randy as the last judge standing. Again the audience is silent. Simon criticizes Kristy’s performance and the audience boos and jeers. Ryan gets on Simon’s case, with encouragement from Randy and Paula, by reminding Simon that he recommended that Kristy sing songs in a country style and then criticize her when she does. Paula thinks Kristy will be bailed out by her “huge” country fan base, the same one that put her in the bottom two last week.

David Archuleta, “We Can Work It Out”: What a surprise, Wonder Boy gets the closer spot. His Mom is from Honduras, which explains why he sung at a fundraiser there. I was curious. This is the only Beatles song he apparently knows, and it’s only because Stevie Wonder sang it. Sure enough he’s singing the Stevie Wonder arrangement, or at least trying. For the first time we see some chinks in Wonder Boy’s armor, as he’s forgetting a bunch of the lyrics. Either that or his vocal paralysis has come back, since David is replacing these lost lyrics with wheezing breaths. Paula says in her usual understated manner that “it wasn’t his best week.” It was his worst performance by a mile. For the first time one of the judges, Simon of course, actually dares to criticize him. I’m beginning to wonder if there is a semi-final curse or something. A few more performances like that and Wonder Boy will need a new race horse name.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Paula, 7 shots at Simon, 5 shots at The Dawg, and 7 shots at Ryan. 1 Chris Daughtry reference, 1 Kelly Clarkson reference, 1 other reference to a former Idol contestant, and 4 references to a current Idol contestant in someone else’s performance review. 12 goofy race horse names, 4 references to other Beatles’ songs not performed tonight, 3 references to other English performers besides The Beatles, 2 references to other TV shows (3 if you count Indonesian Idol), 3 false props of this year’s talent level (including 1 by Paula that I didn't bother to mention), 1 checked suitcase, no Wings songs, and countless reading between the lines.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: David Cook and Carly Smithson clearly staked their positions as front runners when some of the other race leaders, namely Wonder Boy, Pinoy's Lullaby and Secret Stripper, took a step back. Chikezie Eeze needed a big performance to stay on the show and after hearing all 12 performances I think he might have done just that.

Idol Looks Back: The Starving Starlet may be disappointed that eye candy Luke Menard left and I feel the same about fellow eye candy Kady Malloy, but both of them were clearly riding on their looks alone and were bound to be bounced. Asia'h Epperson's departure was kind of surprising, though I suppose she and her supporters can claim she was a victim of her illness. It wasn't the flu that caused you to make those crappy song choices girlfriend. Danny Noriega's departure was more disappointing than surprising. I'm willing to bet that he would have worn something besides black, white, or grey tonight. Idol's loss is Rosie's cruise ship's gain. I finished the semis with an 8-4 record, and I would as happy as Danny on the gay cruise ship if I can duplicate that performance in the finals.

The Fearless Prediction: If it wasn’t for his big performances in earlier weeks David Archuleta would be a goner, but he still has enough capital, for now anyway, to keep him out of the danger zone. David Hernandez’s stressful week will put him in the Bottom 3 but likely not out. I predict Michael Johns may be joining him on both counts, but for the third straight week I’m predicting that Kristy Lee Cook will be leaving the show. She’s been close to being ousted for the last couple of weeks and her Branson-like performance tonight did her no favors. Plus if she survives I'm not going to pick her next week no matter how Hee Haw her performance is.

Place Your Bets

So now we have our Top 12, allegedly the most talented Top 12 in the history of show business. I’ll save my comments on the 4 who just missed out for my regular post on Tuesday, but now I’m going to try and be truly fearless and attempt to predict the order of elimination, the odds of each contestant winning (mine, not Vegas') and, by process of elimination, predict the winner.

#12 – Chikezie Eeze (100-1): Pretending to be Luther Vandross every week can only get you so far, especially when you insist on dressing like a Yale student.

#11 – Kristy Lee Cook (99-1): Simon predicted she’ll make it to #10, but my guess is that she won’t even make it that far, unless Country Week comes early this season. Then again, she’s become the Phil Stacey of Season 7, the contestant that somehow manages to stay on the show despite been predicted to be voted off every week.

#10 – Brooke White (80-1): She has a nice voice and the judges seem to love her, but honestly her performances put me to sleep. The only thing that makes her distinctive is this purity/innocence persona, which 90% of the audience won’t be able to relate to.

#9 – Michael Johns (75-1): At the start of the voting round he looked to be one of the favorites to win, but his performances have been wanting. His personality is going to win him any votes either. He could go higher than this but he’ll need to step up his game and step down the ego.

#8 – Amanda Overmyer (50-1): She has the most distinctive style of any of this year’s contestants. Amanda is still my favorite because she is so unpredictable. Being unpredictable, though, can have its disadvantages. She’s been wildly inconsistent, really good one week and really crappy the next, and it only takes one crappy week to get voted out. She should also try and become best friends with the Idol hairdresser.

#7 – Syesha Mercado (40-1): On a superficial level Syesha caught a big break last week. With Kady Malloy and her Britney imitations gone she’s the most attractive girl left on the show, and with Asia’h and her apostrophe gone Syesha is the only African-American girl left. Based on past trends this would suggest she’ll go far, but unless she starts showing some more in the singing and personality department there’s only so far Syesha’s looks can take her.

#6 – Jason Castro (35-1): He’s a one trick pony, and while Taylor Hicks showed that one-trick ponies can win American Idol Jason has about one-tenth of the personality that Hicks had, which is bad news for Quiet Man. The judges may claim it’s a singing competition but you and I both know there’s more to it than that. Plus he can’t keep picking acoustic ballads every week and hope to succeed.

#5 – David Hernandez (25-1): He ranks up with Ramiele Malubay in terms of pure singing voice, and he’s shown how hard he’s willing to work to win this competition. He’s going to have to work really, really hard though to overcome the stigma associated with his paying job. How embarrassed would the Idol producers be if they had a male stripper as their champion? Embarrassed enough to prevent that from happening I would guess.

#4 – Ramiele Malubay (10-1): She has perhaps the best pure singing voice in the competition, but she has to start making better song choices if she hopes to win. She also needs to keep her emotions in check, both on and off the stage. Jordin Sparks was able to do this last year and look what happened to her. If Ramiele keeps having emotional breakdowns whenever one of her boyfriends leaves the show people, especially her built-in Filipino fan base, are going to think she’s a slut and stop voting for her.

#3 – David Cook (8-1): Clearly the best of the rockers. How far he goes will depend upon how many weeks he can sing rock songs. What happens when he has to put the guitar down and actually sing is anyone’s guess, and eventually he’ll have to do that. Just ask Chris Daughtry how hard it is for a rocker to sing a standard ballad.

#2 – Carly Smithson (5-1): Carly is the steadiest and most versatile singer in the competition, the tortoise in a show full of hares. However, she hasn’t really connected with the audience at a personal level, and since this show is as much a personality contest as it is a singing competition that could come back to hurt her. Her previous recording contract could also work against her, since it’s already created a small but dedicated group of detractors.

#1 – David Archuleta (2-1): The producers love him, the judges love him, little girls love him, and little girls’ grandmas love him, and all of those, except the judges, are strong constituents to have on your side. Plus this kid knows how to win TV competitions. The only thing going against him is the fact that no teenage boy has ever come close to winning Idol. Some folks may also grow tired of David’s gee-whiz personality after 12-15 weeks of it, but I doubt enough people will to overcome all those who will remain loyal supporters. Another potential negative trend for little David is that in the last two seasons the favorite coming out of the semis, Chris Daughtry and Melinda Doolittle, have failed to come through and win.

I'm going to qualify these predictions by noting that its next to impossible to accurately predict the order of elimination since so much of that depends on specific performances and less on a body of work. However, this is supposed to be fearless right? And if this pans out I'll look like a genius.

Do You Want to Know a Secret

Tonight I’m coming to you from a secret remote location. Dick Chaney is nodding to me from the bar as he plots one final invasion before he retires to the super secret retirement home. We begin tonight with the same tension that filled the air the night before. Which chicks are going to miss out on the Ford commercials? Can the girls match the guys? Will Paula Abdul once again upstage everyone with her mad drunken sailor show (well choreographed of course)? The suspense is killing me…

Unlike last night, Ryan opens the show by engaging the judges in the classic mindless banter. Ryan flummoxes Randy by claiming that he’s been too nice on the contestants this year. Randy says “who, me?” while looking at the judge to his right. Paula wonders why the girls aren’t dressed in weird clothes and make-up, and then claims that she is responsible for popularizing the puffy hair-dos that were so popular back in the 80's. Since nobody besides L.A. Lakers fans knew who Paula was until 1989 she may be taking credit for something that she didn’t do. Either that or all that alcohol has erased most of her memories.

Asia’h Epperson, “I Want to Dance with Somebody”: Asia’h’s embarrassing moment was when fell on her butt while roller skating as an extra in a movie. Again we have another contestant talking about something that 99.99% of the audience cannot relate to. Asia’h going all purple but isn’t singing a Prince song. Instead we get this little Whitney dance number. Paula’s already out of her seat dancing, suggesting that may still be off her medication. Asia’h’s performance was better than the prize fight she went through last week. This one was safe and satisfactory. I miss the attitude, though. One of these nights she needs to break out a Tina Turner number and just blow these other posers away. Randy takes advantage of Asia’h singing a Whitney song to again remind us all that he worked with her. He and Paula both laud her for taking a chance by singing a Whitney song (a running Idol theme now in its seventh year), though Asia’h chose probably the easiest Whitney song in her catalog. At least it wasn’t a song from The Bodyguard. She did look better without the hair extensions though.

Kady Malloy, "Who Wants to Live Forever”: Like Luke Menard she’s been skating by on her looks and needs a big performance to get out of the relegation zone. Let's give the blonde some credit as she admits to Ryan that was convinced last week that she was going home. Once again we see the charming personality on tape as she recalls her embarrassing experience at a talent show when she butchered a Christina Aguilera song and then tripped over a microphone cord when she left the stage. Sensing perhaps that she needs to get serious to stay on the show, Kady goes all serious with this Queen ballad from Highlander. I doubt Britney Spears has ever sang this song. She’s in fine voice but I bet Simon will think it’s too old fashioned, because it’s Britney that he wants from Kady and not the stiff singing that she’s been doing. To my surprise Simon doesn’t use the term old-fashioned but he is apparently still frustrated. I guess he’s off his medication too. Kady still doesn’t understand Simon’s comments about her bland singing personality. Just pose some more, my dear, don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Ryan can’t understand Simon either, or at least is pretending to in order to provoke Mr. Happy or perhaps score a date with Kady. He succeeded with the former but I doubt with the latter.

Amanda Overmyer, “I Hate Myself for Loving You”: She’s ditched the Bride of Frankenstein hairstyle from last week to a more normal look, at least normal for her. For once she looks more like 22 than 42. In true Amanda style her embarrassing moment was leaving an outdoor fireplace going one night and burning down a deck and a pool. She’s singing the original version of the Sunday Night Football theme (the Pink version, not the Faith Hill one) only without the John Madden references, and she’s doing alright with it. Her song choices have been the most interesting ones of any Idol contestant ever. Only Sundance from last season comes close in my book. Amanda is certainly redeeming herself from last week. She still insists on doing that annoying rock scatting thing, though. After positive comments from both Randy and (of course) Paula, Simon is absolutely gushing over how good it was, finally prompting Amanda to actually smile for once.

Carly Smithson, "I Drove All Night": Carly got her leg greased by a drunk friend in a bar, at least that what I think she said. I think getting thrown out of the country when you’ve qualified for American Idol would be more embarrassing than that. Again she’s picked a song I can’t recognize. Maybe it’s from her first album. Her performance is standard stuff for her. She has been pretty consistent since the live shows started, unlike fellow ringer Michael Johns. I like her voice; it has lots of texture and flavor, though I’m having a hard time seeing the colors that Paula claims are there. Paula tries to imitate Randy (literally) and then insults Simon yet again, leaving only about 5 words about Carly’s performance. Simon again doesn’t like the song choice and Carly begs him to tell her what songs he wants her to sing. Rather than directly answer Carly’s question Simon instead babbles on like Paula while claiming to be constructive. Yeah, he’s a poser too.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Faithfully”: She pretended to be a dog when she was 7 years old. Fill in your own joke here because I’m not that cruel. I’ve always wondered how a Journey song would sound if sung by a country singer. Well, no not really, but this does pique my interest. Kristy stays away from Steve Perry’s signature wail until the end and then comes up just short with the notes. It was alright until the end. Randy loves that she did a Journey song because apparently he worked with them too. Paula has nothing but “positivity.” She could consider writing a dictionary. Simon thinks she’ll finish tenth. Kristy’s OK with that, and why not? She’ll get to go on the summer tour if she finishes there.

Ramiele Malubay, “Take a Look at Me Now”: Over the weekend I saw a picture of her squeezing some girl’s melons. Is every contestant this season in the closet? You would think if that were true then their secrets and most embarrassing moments would be more interesting. Ramiele’s secret is that she dropped off her picture at the house of a dude that she liked, only to see the dude’s mother laugh at it. Now that’s more sad than embarrassing. I think she used a Tagalog cuss word or something while talking about the moment. She started out a little shaky, and it sounded like she came this close to missing the second or third lyric but managed to stumble through it. The other parts were OK but it was probably her worst performance of the season. Paula says that she won’t go into colors even though the audience wants her to. The audience’s reaction to this throws Paula completely off her game. She had been acting relatively sober up until this point. Ryan tries to draw out why Ramiele chose that song and she coyly demurs. Apparently our host knows something that we don’t know. However, she is sporting purple highlights like Danny did last night and we see Danny wearing her glasses. I get the impression that our little Ramiele has been linking up with every male contestant on the show, even the effeminate one. I suppose she could be bi, not that there's anything wrong with that.

We come back and find Paula claiming Simon is talking about melons, while Randy claims Simon is talking about yogurt. Simon denies talking about everything. Showing why he’s been paid the big bucks to host this shindig Ryan manages to insert a plug for iTunes in the midst of all this nonsense.

Brooke White, “Love is a Battlefield”: She’s embarrassed to tell us that when she left church one morning when she was little she threw her arms around a guy she thought was her Dad but turns out wasn’t. I’m sorry, that’s not embarrassing, that’s just weak. She should go see an R-rated movie or something. Brooke is going acoustic again, this time with a Pat Benetar classic. Since she can’t belt it out like Benetar it’s probably a good strategic choice. She does a decent job with it but the song is not a good choice for her. It’s a power song and her voice just isn’t that powerful. Paula declares that she doesn’t understand what is going on here, and everyone agrees. She then tries to be critical by suggesting that Brooke should have used the band instead of going acoustic. Simon thinks that it was great that she didn’t and that Paula was too critical, a charge she quickly refutes. Brooke just stands there with that plastic smile of hers. I learn how difficult it is to recap this show without a DVR.

Syesha Mercado, “Saving All My Love for You”: Syesha poses for the camera as we go to break. Yes, she’s a poser too, but in a different kind of way from the dudes. In second grade she wrote a love letter to a secret crush and inserted a stick of strawberry bubble gum inside, only to see the boy rat on her to their teacher while chewing the gum. Secret crushes seem to be a popular theme tonight. She tries a more challenging Whitney tune than Asia’h. She’s hitting the big notes better than Asia’h, but as a whole it was kind of flat. It seemed more like a showcase of her vocal chords than an actual song. The judges, sensing that they are running out of time, keep their comments short and mostly sweet. If I were S-yes-ha I would feel cheated. The judges waste a bunch of time bantering about fruit and colors and thus have no time to say anything about her performance, and then they close the show with even more babbling. Now that I think about it maybe she might feel more relived than cheated.

The Final Score: 11 more shots at Paula (making it 23 for the week), 3 shots at Simon, 4 shots at Randy (I think that’s the first time there’s been more for Randy than Simon, though he’s got a long way to go to catch Paula), and 4 shots at Ryan. No references to Chris Daughtry or Kelly Clarkson. Only 2 references to other former Idol contestants, though I noticed that my last post made it on to one of the Elliott Yamin fan club sites (hi guys, welcome). 2 Whitney songs, 1 reference to a Whitney movie, 1 reference to a Christopher Lambert movie, 2 more Britney references (which if my prediction below is correct may be the last ones for this season), 2 embarrassing moments that involve secret crushes, and 1 reference to the Vice President of the United States.

Your Three Stars of the Night: For the second straight week the chicks as a group were rather bland. Amanda Overmyer was good, Carly Smithson was alright, and again the judges thought Brooke White was better than I thought she was. The rest were just OK.

Idol Looks Back: Again, not much to add from what I wrote over the weekend. I still think it’s a shame that Alaina Whitaker was voted out this early, though my outrage is far from what I felt last year when Melinda Doolittle got voted off the show before the finale.

The Fearless Prediction: Like the judges with Syesha I'll keep this short, but not as sweet. Last week I thought Kristy Lee Cook was a goner and Kady Malloy thought she was a goner and neither one of them really excelled tonight relative to their competitors, so I fearlessly predict that both blondes will be goners this week.

I Can Name That Tune in Two Words

Live thanks to my hopefully functional DVR; THIS is the final semi-final edition of American Idol!

This may be the cruelest cuts on the show except for the finale. Whoever goes home here doesn’t get all the extra publicity, the photo shoots, the appearances in the Ford ads, and all the other perks the Top 12 get. Even so, few people remember who the 12th place finisher is after about a nanosecond after it’s announced. To reflect this very serious situation our man Ryan introduces the show with a serious look on his face and a serious tone to his voice. Lives are at stake here people!

Because they have to cram 8 singers in one hour (because they can’t hold up the season premiere of New Amsterdam, a show Fox has been promoting for months), Ryan skips past the contestant intros, the mindless banter with the judges, and reminders of how talented this year’s contestants are. Instead, because it’s 80’s night Ryan reminds us all about how embarrassing our clothes were back then (Speak for yourself girlie man. My clothes back then were normal like those that real men wear). That explains the colorful (and in Paula’s case somewhat revealing) shirts that Paula and Randy are wearing tonight. We’ll also get to hear the most embarrassing moment in each contestant’s lives. How much you want to bet they will all be something lame like forgetting their homework or something.

Luke Menard, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”: Luke dressed up as a ballerina when he was 8. He says his sister made him do it but I don’t know. In the last two weeks we’ve learned that he once dressed as a ballerina and tours with an all boy band. Makes me wonder if David Hernandez isn’t the only one in the competition who has something in common with closets. You know, his voice is well suited for a Wham! song. It’s not bad. It didn’t impress me but it was his best performance so far this season. Randy thought the song choice was “surprising”, which I find “surprising”. Paula surprisingly also thinks the song choice was surprising and then pulls a Randy and name drops George Michael. Apparently she choreographed one of his tours and starts talking about the dolphin shorts. It takes Paula about 10 minutes to say how she felt about this performance. It takes Simon about 10 nanoseconds to say how much he hated it, then we gets lots of bickering about how good a singer Luke is.

David Archuleta, “Another Day in Paradise”: Wonder Boy admits before he sings that he has to take a leak, but that’s not his most embarrassing moment. Instead he talks about how his mom sang for him during a fundraiser in Honduras. Yeah, I can see how embarrassing that can be, especially during a Honduran fundraiser. For the first time he breaks out an instrument, but it only takes him about 10 notes to get on his feet and ditch the piano, much to the delight of the girls in the audience. David knows how to play the camera, think he’s been in front of one before? It was good but safe, kind of like Phil Collins. Paula likes the fact that he missed a couple of notes. Well she outta know having made a career doing exactly that. Simon thinks he’s being too gloomy but that he’ll be in the Final Two. Nobody reacts to this off the cuff prediction. Instead, Ryan and David talk about how Simon finds everything gloomy.

Danny Noriega, “Tainted Love”: I can’t wait to hear what his most embarrassing moment is. The imagination can run wild with this one. Hey, Denise Richards is in the audience tonight. He fell down a flight of stairs in front of one of his “huge crushes”. How disappointing. Surprising perhaps, though Danny doesn’t identify the gender of his crush. His performance is spirited but pitchy. He’s tweaked the arrangement and it’s really showing off his naturally snappy attitude. It was distinctive. Randy thought Danny was “too shy” and Simon can’t believe it. Usually he reacts to just Paula’s comments that way. Randy does explain to Simon that he was only describing his singing style and not his overall personality, which seems to satisfy Mr. Happy. Paula tells Danny to take the purple highlights out of his hair, then immediately backtracks when Danny gasps in shock that Paula said something critical to him. Then she claims she likes it because it’s a singing competition. I can’t make this stuff up. Paula is in full drunk mode tonight. Simon hated everything and Danny’s attitude shows itself, ensuring that he’ll be back next week.

David Hernandez, “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”: David had a pea sized boogar in his nose during a photo shoot. Notice that many of these embarrassing moments are in really unique situations? Photo shoots, charity shows in Honduras, are these people real? It took me a while to recognize the song. What do you know, a dude is trying a Celine Dion song, and he’s acing it. We finally get to hear how good a voice he has. Best of the night so far by a lot. Randy’s getting technical again and losing everyone. Paula lauds his improvement and David declares his love, perhaps attempting to disprove the prevailing rumors about him. He kind of reminds me of Elliott Yamin, who had a good voice and worked harder than anyone in Season 5, good enough to beat out Mom’s favorite Chris Daughtry for a third place finish.

Michael Johns, “Don’t You Forget About Me”: He wants to show off what type of artist he can be, a rock/soul/dance artist. Add country and rap and he’ll have all the bases covered. He got beaten up by four guys while he was dressed as a kangaroo during a rugby match. So his most embarrassing moment was when he was wearing a costume where nobody could see who he was. Well at least someone once beat him up. For the second straight week he starts out well off pitch. He gets better when he stops singing and starts shouting. He sounds just like the dead guy from INXS, something Randy appears to have picked up on as well. Paula loves his vocal strength in the low range, even though he sang most of the song in a high range. If she keeps babbling like this we’ll never get to see New Amsterdam. Simon indirectly refers to Carly Smithson during his complements. She and Michael appear to be joined at the hip in this competition. Apparently not joined at the hip are Paula and Simon, as Paula declares for reasons unbeknownst to all that she would rather leave this planet than be Simon’s sister. I’m afraid that spaceship has already sailed, sister Paula.

David Cook, “Hello”: His performance was delayed because his electric guitar wasn’t working. It appears the stage hands managed to get it fixed just as we come back from the break. But that’s not his most embarrassing moment. He forgot the lyrics to America’s “Tin Man” during a talent show, thankfully not American Idol. I would think singing “Tin Man” would be embarrassing enough. He’s trying a rock arrangement of a Lionel Richie song. Interesting. The vocals were all over the map, but I admire the originality of the arrangement. You would never know it was a sappy ballad. Randy, Paula, and even Simon gush all over his performance. Simon then name drops Lionel Richie, claiming he saw him in a Whole Foods buying cereal.

Jason Castro, “Hallelujah”: Quiet Man’s embarrassing moment is when one of his dreads ripped off during a dinner date. Now that’s probably the first “embarrassing moment” that really would be embarrassing. You know, Jason kind of looks like John Travolta before the weight gain. He’s doing it acoustic but someone else is playing the guitar. He picked the first song tonight that I don’t recognize, though apparently it’s one of Randy and Simon’s all time favorites. Perhaps I need to get out more. It was a well done vocal performance. He’s got a limited range of songs that he can do but what he can do he does well. Paula’s all happy that David took her advice and dropped the guitar, then continues babbling on with more technical mumbo jumbo.

Chikezie Eeze, “All the Woman I Need”: Cheeky apparently peed in the girls’ bathroom at the start of high school. He starts out with a deer in the headlights look, perhaps reliving his most embarrassing moment. The picture disappeared for a few seconds and I thought the DVR crapped out or I was reliving the ending of The Sopranos. His clothes are more contemporary this week, odd for 80’s night if Ryan is to be believed. Like Jason, he’s got a limited range of songs but what he does he does well. He’s missing a few notes here and there but he’s got the Luther R&B thing goin’ on. Paula is all switched up but excited. Once Simon learns Whitney Houston originally sang the song (Cheeky of course did the Luther Vandross version) he goes all negative, prompting the predictable jeers from the crowd.

Paula leaves us all speechless when she describes tonight’s performances in two words: “phe” and “nominal.” I can describe Paula’s performance tonight in two words too: “pla” and “stered”.

The Final Score: 12 slams at Paula (I told you she was in fine form), 5 digs at Simon, 4 digs at Randy, and 5 at Ryan. 1 Chris Daughtry reference, no Kelly Clarkson references, and 1 other reference to a former Idol contestant. 3 somewhat creative nicknames, 2 references to the show following Idol, 2 references to other TV shows besides Idol and Amsterdam, 2 digs at my DVR, 2 namedrops of 80’s singers, 1 namedrop of an 80’s actor, and 2 references to people’s clothing.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: The two David’s both excelled tonight as did Jason Castro. There were fewer blow away performances this week compared to last but as a group the dudes were more solid than last week. I don’t normally reward judges here but Paula Abdul deserves special mention for the display she put on tonight. God help us tomorrow if one of the chicks tries to sing one of her songs from the 80’s.

Idol Looks Back: Not much to add from last Saturday’s post, except that even a deaf person could have predicted Robbie Carrico and Jason Yeager were goners.

The Fearless Prediction: I suspect Luke Menard is a sure goner. He’s been treading on thin ice since the Top 24 and seemed to be riding his looks as far as he can, which would be now. The Starving Starlet thinks he looks like Hugh Jackman and I can see the resemblance, though I was thinking more Kyle McLaughlin during his Twin Peaks days, but of course I'm biased towards Old School (though I did love The X-Men when I was a kid). Either way he's likely toast. Danny Noriega could be in trouble here, much to the dismay of Vote for the Worst, but I’m going to go out on a limb and predict ringer Michael Johns to be the other departure. His performances the last two weeks have been sub par and I just don’t like him, so maybe it’s more wishful thinking then stone cold analysis.