An Abbreviated Session

First, a warning. I walked into the courtroom a little after 9 PM tonight thinking that my DVR would allow me to still see the entire show. Well, the blasted machine had other ideas and decided it did not want to work tonight. Not only did it not record but it would not allow me to rewind to the beginning of the show. So the bad news is that the first 8 recaps are based only on the replay at the end of the show. The good news is that I get to go to bed early.

I came in when John Park was getting trashed by the judges for his song choice, which he told Ryan later he selected as a tribute to his parents. Boy don’t the judges feel bad now.

Michael Lynche, “This Love” by Maroon 5: It is an interesting song choice for the new papa. I found lots of picky things to criticize, such as his nasally somewhat monotone voice, his slurred lyrics, his pitch problems, and a guitar that could not be heard. Still, it was OK but far from amazing. Little E loves Michael’s personality so much that she does not think his pitch problems matter, then later warns him not to get cocky. Big Sexy bonds with the fellow big fella, but then he whines about how Michael’s hug injured his back. Horny Chick thought it was good relative to the other performers so far, so perhaps my DVR was doing me a favor. Captain Jack thought Michael sang like a supporting act instead of a leading one, provoking Michael into some subtle “ahhs” and “come ons.”

Alex Lambert, “Wonderful World” by James Morrison: I had forgotten about this guy until his video reminded us that he was part of Rocker Bitch Mary Powers’ group. Since all of the judges later commented that Alex’s voice resembles James Morrison I can only assume that was why he chose a James Morrison song. Sadly, though, this song was such a mess that James Morrison is likely offended by the comparison. Jim Morrison would likely be offended too if he were alive today. Alex was clearly scared out of his wits, so much that by the end I was feeling sorry for the guy. Simon thought it was the most uncomfortable performance of the night and got booed by the sympathetic crowd. Horny Chick wants to give Alex a hug. Both she and Big Sexy thinks that Alex has crazy vocals and great potential but say nothing about tonight’s performance. Little E supports the mullet and compares him to a banana that has not ripened yet. Insert your sexual reference here, not so much for poor Alex but in preparation for our next contestant.

Casey Jones, “Heaven” by Bryan Adams: Horny Chick’s lover boy is back with two shirt buttons undone. Kara is waiving her arms from the first note and it looks like Casey is trying really hard not to laugh. It is OK, not great, but considering the distractions from the judges table it was a stellar performance. The dude judges back away from the table and ask Kara to go first. Horny Chick apologizes to her husband (for now) for drooling over Casey and then turns to Ellen for help, forgetting that Little E is a chick chick and not a dude chick. Rather than correct Horny Chick for her faux paux Little E fires back by accusing Kara of undressing Casey with her eyes. Randy likes Casey’s voice and swagger. Horny Chick tries to be serious by telling Casey that he is ear candy as well as eye candy. Seriously. Simon liked the sincere song choice and thought he did well to overcome the actions of the “cougar” next to him. Horny Chick calls for her lawyer while Trained Seal reads out the number and mentions something about an HR meeting.

Andrew Garcia, “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boys: The favorite coming out of Hollywood Week naturally gets the closer spot tonight. Again he goes semi-acoustic and changes up the arrangement, but this time it is not as dramatic as when he treated Drunk Chick’s song that way. It was OK but kind of monotone and uninspiring. Captain Jack talks for 5 minutes about how disappointed he is with Andrew’s performance, including some of his traditional buzz words such as “indulgent” and “boring.” The other three judges all thought the performance was strange and that it paled in comparison to the Drunk Chick song.

And now the rest in the closing replay:

Todrick Hall: sloppy;
Aaron Kelly: bland;
Jermaine Sellers: over the top;
Tim Urban: super sub with goofy facial expressions
Joe Munoz: slurred lyrics;
Tyler Grady: Michael Johns like;
Lee Dewyne: decent;
John Park: the judges were right; it was a lousy song choice.

The Final Score: 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 3 shots at Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 1 shot at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Captain Jack Simon; and 1 shot at the audience. 1 reference to a former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers (1 deceased?), and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 iTunes plugs (I assume), 2 sexual innuendos, an unripe fruit, and 8 performances that my DVR would not allow me to see. I suppose I can download the performances from iTunes, but I’m not paying money for stuff like this. If you really want to know how they did you’re on your own.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Casey James was the best of the 4 that I saw. Lee Dewyne sounded OK for the 10 seconds that I saw him. And that is about the best I can do.

The Fearless Prediction: I don't think I saw enough performances to be able to fairly judge this also, but I will take a chance and predict that Alex Lambert will be one of the two sent home tomorrow. You're one your own for the other.

Tradition with a Small t

Continuing the director’s milieu this season of including behind the scenes shots we start the semi-finals with a shot of the director cueing Trained Seal from the booth. After the traditional manufactured drama from Ryan and the traditional main theme, we are set to begin the live portion of Season 9 from the traditional Coca-Cola studio.

The theme being pushed by the producers is that this is a girl’s year, so right away Trained Seal asks Captain Jack to elaborate on his statements to that effect. We’ll see if there is anything to back that up as this chicks get to go first tonight. The judges have played musical chairs tonight as Ellen is on the end instead of Randy and Kara occupies the Drunk Chick seat next to Simon. Captain Jack of course is in his traditional aisle seat. Ellen claims that she moved to the other end of the table because Simon groped her during Hollywood Week, and even has some manufactured video to prove it. It was not as good as the manufactured video of Paula and Simon kissing a few seasons back but it is on par with the fake videos that the producers featured during the auditions.

Tonight the contestants got to choose from the Billboard charts, so with virtually every song ever recorded over the last 50 years available to sing I would expect that there will be a lot of dull and unoriginal song choices.

Paige Miles, “All Right Now” by Free: Paige is a preschool teacher who was on another planet during Hollywood Week when she got to sing with Michael Jackson’s ex-backup singers. Paige starts out flat, and then picks it up a bit when she starts shouting. She finishes with the traditional big note finish. Quite honestly, it was the wrong song choice. Captain Jack agrees with me, accusing Paige of choosing a “wedding reception song.” Simon still thinks she has the best voice in the competition. Of course the rest of America hasn't been able to judge this for themselves thanks to the producers’ decision to not feature her during the auditions shows. Horny Chick disagrees with Simon and thinks that Paige “slayed” the verses. Randy basically agrees with Simon, and then tosses it to “E,” who thought Paige was “there.” Trained Seal pushes Paige to admit that her dress was so tight that she hasn't been able to pee for 5 hours. Thanks for that, Ryan, what a way to promote one of your contestants.

Ashley Rodriguez, “Happy” by Leona Lewis: Ashley is the Berkeley music school student from Boston that Vote for the Worst.com thinks is one of the producers’ favorites to win. She doesn't help her cause by talking about how big of a Jordin Sparks fan she is. Ashley attempts a slow ballad and hits some good notes when she is not breathing into the microphone and trying so hard to show some emotion. Horny Chick was not impressed and told Ashley that she should sing something different. Big Sexy thinks Ashley should attempt more diva songs, completely the opposite advice he would tell most of the other contestants later on. E repeats what Kara said. Captain Jack thought the performance was clumsy and that Ashley was regressing backward from her audition. Unlike the others Simon thinks she may be in trouble. Trained Seal attempts to give her some banal advice that belittles his standing as America’s most popular host.

Janell Wheeler, “What About Love” by Heart: Immediately I question the song choice. This is a big voice song and typically thin blonde chicks don’t have big voices. A few seconds in and Janell does not disappoint. Ann Wilson she clearly is not, in more ways than one. Janell has a nice little country twang in her voice but that does her no good here. Likewise her looks. Big Sexy still has vibes though he too didn't like the song choice. E thought a couple notes were off. So much for her not being able to make any music comments. Captain Jack gave her an A for effort but only a C+ for performance. He really gave it a 65% but we are grading on a curve here. Kara agrees with me that the song was too big for her. Trained Seal asks Randy what song he would have chosen, and rather than be specific Big Sexy vaguely talks about originality, if you know what he is saying.

Lilly Scott, “Fixing a Hole” by The Beatles: Of all the songs that The Beatles placed on the Billboard charts Lilly picked this obscure one for her first live performance. I’ll give her points for originality. She is playing a guitar that of course we cannot hear, but that worked pretty well for Kris Allen last year so who am I to criticize? Lilly has some scary eye make-up on with a scary singing voice to match. She is an original, which means that she has no chance to win but will be fun to watch. E declares “that’s what I’m talking about.” Captain Jack thought it was the best so far because it was original but also felt that Lilly does not have enough star power. The screams in the audience of course turn to boos. Horny Chick likes Lilly’s believability and compliments her for bringing her street musician experience to Idol. Yeah, that’s what this show needs, more street performers. Big Sexy likes that Lilly is an indie artist who is not a sound-alike, unlike many of the copy cat performers from last season. Yes, he really did say that. Trained Seal does some trash talking about Horny Chick while she is flirting with Simon.

Katelyn Epperly, “Oh Darling” by The Beatles: Two straight performers choosing obscure Beatles numbers. Rather than play it straight and belt it out like the original blues number, Katelyn instead sings it as if it is the second act at the Moulin Rouge. Katelyn has dressed for the part too with all sorts of make-up and a tight black dress. Captain Jack as expected likes her because she is blonde and wearing a tight black dress even though she screamed part of the song. Horny Chick liked how she switched up the song but is no fan of the make-up. Big Sexy likes the make-up, while E was overcome by Katelyn’s scintillating personality. Tight dress + make-up + dramatic voice = big personality. Trained Seal wants to know what Katelyn was thinking when she was listening to Horny Chick trashing her make-up. Katelyn is too nice to say so Kara jumps in to say that Katelyn was thinking that she was a bitch. In your dreams Horny Chick.

As I type this I’m watching the Olympic giant slalom event, and there is this big voiced guy in the Olympic alpine skiers start house yelling at the US skiers. “Come on, Ted!” “Beat it up!” “Come on Bode, take this thing!” Talk about a vocal coach. The Idol producers should consider hiring this guy after the Olympics are over.

Haeley Vaughn, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles: Unlike the previous 2 performers Haeley (with an extra “e”) chose a better known Beatles song but then changed up the arrangement. What’s up with these girls that they think that they can actually improve a Paul McCartney arrangement? Who do they think they are, Adam Lambert? Haeley changed the song into a ballad number, and while the arrangement was OK her intonation was very sloppy. Horny Chick jumped on the technical issues but then complimented her for having fun on stage, because after all this is a singing competition. Big Sexy goes further by saying that they high notes that Hayley screamed were “unpleasant.” He also brings up the age thing of course, a theme that E quickly picks up on. Captain Jack thought it was borderline terrible and that she was like a wind-up doll. The audience of wind-up dolls of course boos being insulted like that. Simon then admonishes the audience for booing him for saying “what you’re thinking.” That’s just it, none of them are thinking.

Lacey Brown, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac: At first I did not recognize the song title, and after Lacey started singing it still took me a while to recognize it. It is a very textured vocal but sadly Lacey is not a very textured vocalist. Stevie Nicks she is not. She would have been better off trying a Pat Benetar number; it would have matched both her voice and her hairdo. Big Sexy dares to say that “it was terrible,” a rare show of honesty from the big fella. E was not much more complimentary, telling Lacey that she got lost. Captain Jack thought it was depressing, indulgent, and boring, and no one boos. Horny Chick thought Lacey tried to force the notes but she still hopes that America will give Lacey another chance, though Kara doesn't volunteer to offer up someone to take her place. Lacey reveals to Trained Seal that she was surprised that Simon thought it was boring.

Michelle Delamor, “Fallin” by Alicia Keys: Michelle gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal, though Ryan allows fellow contestant Katie Stevens to take up some of her air time. Since Michelle got zero air time during the auditions we are allowed to learn that Michelle is a 22 year old from Miami who works at a clothing store and sings at corporate events. Kind of reminds me of Syesha Mercado from 2 seasons back, another corporate singer from Miami. Michelle turns the song into a corporate ballad with the requisite big note at the end, albeit with a nice voice. E acknowledged that Michelle sang a difficult vocal well but felt that Michelle played it too safe. Big Sexy agreed with E, confirming that Ellen has this Idol judging thing already down pat. Simon thought it was OK but lacked “wow.” Horny Chick thought Michelle was too professional and that she seemed to be trying to be a diva. So I guess after 8 seasons of professional divas being put forth by these guys this is no longer acceptable.

Didi Benami, “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson: 9 songs in and I finally come across a song that I need to look up on the Internet. Usually it only takes 2 or 3 songs before that happens. Trained Seal claimed that we would learn how Didi has been on a roller coaster journey on Idol but then her video only talks about how she often cried without saying why. It only takes me two notes to realize that she looks and sounds just like Megan Joy Corkrey from last season only without the tummy shimmy. She gives out hints that she has a good voice but it’s buried by her bad phrasing and pitchiness. Captain Jack uses Didi as an example for all of the Adele and Duffy sound-alikes among the female contestants. And this is supposed to be the girl’s year. Both he and Big Sexy thought it was too dreary, too sleepy, and lacked any spark, though only Simon gets booed. E joins the low key bandwagon, but Horny Chick disagrees with all of them and declares that she loves Didi’s originality. Trained Seal asks Simon to elaborate on why he seemed so frustrated. Captain Jack talks about how the first Idol performance should be memorable like a first kiss. When Ryan claims that his first kiss was nothing like that Simon retaliates by claiming that “it probably went both ways.” Captain Jack does show some restraint though and stays away from the ambiguously gay comments.

Siobhan Magnus, “Wicked Game” by Chris Issak: For the record, her first name is pronounced “shi-von”, just like it is spelled. She has the deepest voice among the chicks tonight, but after belting out a Stevie Wonder song during Hollywood Week Siobhan chooses a slow haunting ballad this time. And this is after Captain Jack told her that the Stevie Wonder song was what got her in the Top 24. She has a decent voice, but it was not the best song choice by all accounts. Randy agrees with me. Horny Chick thinks she is quirky and in the moment but says nothing about her voice. E was entertained and also says nothing about her voice, but then unlike Kara Ellen has never claimed to be a judge of musical talent. Captain Jack thinks Siobhan is a “funny little thing” who could be a dark horse in the competition but also wonders why she chose this particular song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Hands in My Pocket” by Alanis Morissette: Crystal admitted that she had not considered auditioning for Idol until she needed money to support her son. Crystal has got the Janis Joplin thing going on and even pulls out a harmonica for a full coffee house effect. Big Sexy loves Crystal’s originality and name drops Springsteen, Dylan, and Melissa Etheridge with three quick blasts. Ellen says that she will vote for Crystal. Captain Jack puts a damper on things by telling Crystal (correctly) that while there are few Idol performers like Crystal there are thousands just like her singing in subway stations all over America. He suggested that Crystal try a David Bowie song instead, a suggestion that Crystal says she will consider. Kara essentially agrees with Simon and tells Crystal that she can be more than a “coffee house performer.”

Katie Stevens, “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble: After getting both the closer spot and a few seconds of airtime during Michelle Delamor’s Coca-Cola interview is there any doubt who the producers are pushing during this “girl’s year”? Katie attempts a slow ballad and sounds like a lounge singer. It was a traditional 16-17 year old performance, a girl trying to sing like a 30 year old. E thought Katie was too conservative and too old of a performance. Captain Jack agreed with Ellen and quipped that it sounded like Katie’s parents picked the song. Horny Chick thought it was pitchy but that Katie still had “ridiculous chops.” Big Sexy goes all technical and talks about how Katie’s pitch was too sharp because she was pushing too hard. Katie nods in agreement, but then again the season is still young.

The Final Score: 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 9 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at E Ellen; and 5 shots at the audience. 5 references to former Idol contestants, 12 references to other non-Idol performers including the US Ski Team coach, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 name drops (all by Big Sexy), 2 iTunes plugs, 2 tight dresses, 2 extra E’s, 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 1 Moulin Rouge reference, 1 song I needed to look up online, and only 1 contestant who challenges the judge’s comments.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: It was very disappointing that none of the girls stood out when the promos have all touted how talented this season’s girls are. Lilly Scott, Siobhan Magnus, and Crystal Bowersox get kudos for being original. The rest were mostly OK. Perhaps the guys will be better tomorrow.

The Fearless Prediction: Lacey Brown got the most critical comments and while she was not an embarrassment she was not up to par with the others on an overall sub-par night. So my first fearless prediction is that she will be going home on Thursday. There are a number of contenders for the second ticket home, including Hollywood favorite Ashley Rodriguez, Haeley Vaughn, and Michelle Delamor. However, my guess is that Megan Joy Corkrey sound-alike Didi Benami’s roller coaster ride will come to an end before we learn why it has been a roller coaster ride.

After The Break

Because of a number of reasons, some of them legit (like work) and some not so legit (my DVR lost the recording of the Denver audition show) I fell way behind on my recaps so I decided that I was going to skip recapping Hollywood Week. I hate recapping Hollywood Week anyway. All that jumping around from contestant to contestant made it take forever to watch the show, take down the notes, and then rehash it here for your entertainment pleasure. But now that Hollywood Week is over and the Top 24 has been selected I guess that it is time for me to get back into the game.

This year the Idol producers threw a new wrinkle in the Chair Show. Apparently I was right about Paula getting the rights to the judges' mansion in the divorce settlement since this year the Chair Show was staged at the Kodak Theater. Trained Seal of course made all sorts of claims about how historic the Kodak is, even though the theater has only been around for about 10 years or so and Idol hasn't staged their grand finale there in about 3 seasons. I miss the old days when Hollywood Week was at the Pantages and the Chair Show was in some non-descript dance studio in Pasadena.

So far Ellen DeGeneres has not embarrassed herself, thereby increasing the challenge of finding creative ways to insult her. I was going to say that perhaps this is because she hasn't been in a live show yet, but then I remembered that she has already done quite a few live shows already. I guess that means no acid trips from the judges' table this season.

And who among you out there seriously believe that the Idol producers want to hire Howard Stern to take Captain Jack's place next season? If they do that then this blog becomes an archive.

So this season's Top 24 are:

"Big" Mike Lynche, the personal trainer whose wife had a baby during Hollywood Week.

Didi Benami, who sang Horny Chick's song in honor of her deceased BFF at her audition.

Katelyn Epperly, who auditioned for her mom since her dad left town.

Casey Jones, who turned Horny Chick on in his Denver audition by taking his shirt off. He may be the most attractive dude in the Top 24.

Aaron Kelly, a 16 year old with a "difficult upbringing" who got no screen time during his audition.

Lee Dewyze, who got even less screen time than Aaron.

Todrick Hall, who still got through to Hollywood despite singing an original song, did back flips when he was put through, and knows Fantasia personally.

Janell Wheeler, a leggy blonde who was barely mentioned during the auditions but may be the most attractive girl in the Top 24.

Tyler Grady, the drummer with the look from the 70's and who auditioned with 2 broken wrists and may give Casey a run for the chick vote.

Lacey Brown, who was set up to lose to Megan Joy during one of the sing-offs in last season's Chair Show but made it through this season.

Ashley Rodriguez, a Berkeley School of Music student who Captain Jack thinks has "it" and could give Janell Wheeler a run for the dude vote.

Alex Lambert, who is not related to Broadway Boy.

Joe Munoz, who must have auditioned in Denver because I don't remember ever seeing him.

Crystal Bowersox, the harmonica playing mama who may be this season's Amanda Overmyer.

Katie Stevens, the 17 year old whose Portuguese grandma has Alzheimer's.

Lilly Scott, the silver haired girl featured during the Hollywood shows.

Paige Miles, who got some screen time during Hollywood Week.

Siobhan Magnus, who wins the award for most unique name of any Top 24 contestant ever.

Michelle Delamor, who I know nothing about.

Jermaine Sellers, whose R&B groove of "One of Us" Mary J. Blige thought was "anointed."

John Park, the requisite Asian-American (every season needs at least 1 in the Top 24) whose bottom end and "good head" impressed Shania Twain during his Chicago audition.

Haley Vaughn, who could pass for Paige Miles' sister. At first I thought they were the same person.

and last but not least, Andrew Garcia, who gave Katy Perry chills during his LA audition and who blew away Horny Chick with his emo rendition of Paula's "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week.

But wait, if you're keeping score at home you'll notice I've only listed 23 contestants. That is because the 24th contestant, Tim Urban, was not shown during either Chair Show until the goofy dancing bit at the end. He was not even on stage with Trained Seal. Chris Golightly, the shoe salesman who grew up with 24 different foster care families, was on the stage instead but was also mysteriously not featured during the show. According to the AP a Fox spokesperson claimed that they would explain the "switcharoo" after the West Coast broadcast. Well, I'm waiting... Vote for the Worst is reporting that Golightly was disqualified because he already has a record deal. Nice of them to find this out now. We'll see if Trained Seal bothers to mention this next week.

Among the notable auditioners who did not make it to the Top 24 are Maddy Curtis, the 16 year old whose brothers all have Down's Syndrome; Justin Williams, the cancer survivor from David Archuleta's hometown of Sandy, UT; Bryan Walker, the singing cop from Tennessee; Charity Vance, the 16 year old who sings in her parents' beauty salon; Matt Lawrence, who spent time in prison for robbing a bank with a BB gun; Mary Powers, the rocker chick who was the star of Hollywood Week; Shelby Dressel, the girl who suffers from facial paralysis except when she sings; and Angela Martin. This was Angela's third attempt to make it to the Top 24. Two years ago she dropped out during Hollywood Week after her father was murdered, and last year she missed the Chair Show because she was in jail for a traffic violation. This year her mother went missing while she was in Hollywood but she still managed to make it to the chairs only to be sent home, and since Angela is 28 she won't be eligible to compete on Idol ever again. Everyone was in tears, which leads me to wonder why she was cut in the first place. I have to admit, I was sad to see her go to.

So buckle up America, because the live shows begin next Tuesday. Time to start warming up the laptop and that sarcasm machine...

Rose Parade of Losers

Yes, I know I am late with this recap. The 1 or 2 of you out there who know me know the reasons why. I won’t subject the rest of you to the details. I love you all but some things are best kept to one’s self. However, thanks to the miracle of modern technology known as the DVR I recorded last week’s auditions for review at a later time. I’ll be doing the same this week so that I am not up until 2 am three nights in a row. I love you all but I don’t love all of you that much…

The Los Angeles auditions began with Trained Seal promoting his L.A. radio show, followed by some meaningless old style Hollywood promo. Perhaps it goes without saying that neither the mass gathering of 11,000 auditioners at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena nor the real auditions at an unknown hotel in Marina Del Rey were actually in either Los Angeles or Hollywood, though you could see the Hollywood sign from the hotel.

Our guest judge for Day 1 is Avril Lavigne, the young Canadian who is still under the age of 28 and perhaps may end up trying out for the show next season unless her next album actually sells. For some reason Avril is supporting a hoodie with horns on the hood, which Captain Jack finds attractive and the rest of America finds confusing.

Our first contestant is 19 year old Neil Goldstein, a data entry tech from Redlands, CA who claims to have an IQ of 168. If he really is as smart as he claims he is Neil would not have a) tried out for American Idol and b) have a job as a data entry tech. 19 year olds with an IQ that high are usually studying at Cal Tech, not ITT Tech. Neil starts by forgetting the second lyric of Meatloaf’s “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True”. He finally remembers his lines and would have had a decent audition if he didn't sound so much like a goat. Once Captain Jack starts into his usual search for bad analogies Neil declares that he is “not going anywhere.” Simon tells Neil that he needs a reality check, to which Neil replies “Simon Cowell, there is no reality except for what we make for ourselves man.” Now there is that high IQ at work. Avril thinks Neil is awkward and bizarre, and with that Neil is off and away; the closest we came, it turned out, to Psycho of the Night.

Next up was Jim Ranger, a 27 year old pastor from Bakersfield, CA. In addition to his ministry Jim also has a wife and three kids that get the full sympathy treatment from the producers. He attempts his own composition, “Drive”, which prompted Trained Seal to warn Jim’s family about the dangers of singing an original song. I guess Ryan forgot to tell Jim. Jim actually does a decent rendition of the song, sounding a lot like Season 5 winner Chris Dau... oh, sorry, Taylor Hicks. Avril says no, thinking that Jim won’t be able to deal with life on the road as a singer and still be a pastor with 3 kids. So here we have some kid singer wearing a hoodie with devil horns telling an older pastor that his ministry and his kids are more important than a singing career. Now I am really confused. The other judges are more impressed by Jim’s singing voice and as a result he is off to Hollywood despite Avril’s concerns.

After a parade of losers we are introduced to 27 year old Damien Lefavor, a sandwich maker from Seattle. Damien claims to be a pacifist with an addiction for martial arts, which suggests to me that a) his audition will suck and that b) he is a potential Psycho of the Night candidate. His rendition of “You Lost That Loving Feeling” did in fact suck but rather than act all psycho about it Damien admitted that he screwed up and left the room without so much as a whimper of protest.

The next montage was of the little kids who were at the audition. One of them was an 8 year old girl who really liked Simon because he was the negative one. Her mother, 28 year old Mary Powers from Burbank, CA, was hoping that her daughter was wrong. Mary has the rocker chick look and matches it with her rocker chick rendition of Pat Benatar's “Love is a Battlefield”. Captain Jack was negative about Mary’s clichéd look but voted yes anyway, as did the other judges because of the Idol rule that there has to be at least one rocker chick in the competition, and Mary is the best one that the producers have allowed us to see so far.

After the break there was yet another montage, this time of all the auditioners pretending to be Adam Lambert. The only one of the imitators to get any screen time was 20 year old A.J. Mendoza from Upland, CA. A.J. is a theatrical performer (now there is a surprise) who claimed to have received positive feedback from Broadway Boy after A.J. sent Adam a demo tape. After a sloppy theatrical production of Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” A.J. won’t be getting a callback, though both Big Sexy and I admired the song choice. Captain Jack reached into his bag of analogies and pulled out this zinger that really impressed Avril: “It sounded like you've gone to the dentist 10 minutes ago with a ton of anesthetic.” Both Randy and Kara (yes, they were actually there) noticed that A.J. barely opened his mouth and were disgusted when he finally did.

Day 2 begins with a new guest judge. Avril is out and Katy Perry is in. Katy may be a one-hit wonder but unlike Avril she actually has had a hit record recently and also promised to be brutally honest to the contestants. I read today that Katy and her groom to be plan to get married naked so this promise took on some extra meaning. One benefit of typing this a week late is that I can incorporate this important piece of information.

First up is Austin Fullner, a 19 year old water treatment tech from Glendale, CA. I think two techs in one night is a new Idol record. Austin waltzes in wearing a shinny stripped shirt and does a decent impression of Jim Carrey impersonating Mick Jagger while yelling out Cheap Trick’s “Surrender”. Katy too saw the Mick Jagger impression but thought it was Iggy Pop doing Mick instead of Jim Carrey. Austin starts to beg when Captain Jack disagrees with Austin’s claim that his purpose in life is to sing, and goes into full begging mode when Big Sexy starts to agree with Simon. Finally Austin leaves, though without the need for security. After his departure Katy wonders if the contestants get frisked before being let in. I believe that is one of Trained Seal’s jobs along with teasing the breaks, saying what the producers tell him to, and plotting to take over the entire entertainment industry.

After yet another parade of losers, these ones crying, we meet 23 year old musician Andrew Garcia from Moreno Valley, CA. Like the pastor before him Andrew is a dad too but in his intro we see more of Andrew’s mom and dad, who were both former gang members in Compton but moved away to keep their son out of them. Also like Pastor Jim Ranger Andrew does a decent Taylor Hicks impression including hitting some good high notes. This sends chills up Katy’s spin and sends Andrew to Hollywood with 4 yeses.

Another Idol first was set when the second minister of the night, 26 year old Tasha Layton from Granada Hills, CA, enters the room. Two ministers, two dads, and two Taylor Hicks impersonators all in one night has got to be a first. Tasha sings Josh Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby”. I have not heard of Josh Stone but this is one reason why I watch this show, so I can find out about all the singers the kids are digging these days. Tasha has a decent voice but appears somewhat self-indulgent. Captain Jack surprised me by not pointing this out. Instead Simon guarantees that there will be an “Oh Happy Day” medley if Tasha makes the Top 12. Since I don’t usually watch the results shows I’ll never know. Tasha received 4 yeses and a gold ticket.

Trained Seal promised us that the next featured contestant, 21 year old student Jason Greene from Los Angeles, would be the exact opposite from Reverend Tasha. Jason does a creepy version of “I Touch Myself” that Horny Chick cannot resist singing along to and grouping Big Sexy at the same time. Jason gets on his knees and invites Captain Jack to join him, which of course Simon respectfully declines. Katy declares that she “feels dirty” after the performance, which prompts Jason to sass back “I’m sure it does, especially with that top.” Mind you Katy was wearing a standard issue pink blouse. Horny Chick proudly claims that “it’s hard for girls to get dirty,” which surprised both Big Sexy and me. Jason threatens the judges by promising to try out again next season and gives Trained Seal his phone number, telling Ryan that he can call him “anytime, I’m serious.” Ryan sternly tells Jason that “as much as you may believe what you read” he doesn't want the number and instead gives it to one of the bodyguards. See, it’s not just me and Captain Jack that questions Trained Seal’s ambiguous sexual preference, unless Ryan is actually reading this blog.

The last contestant of the evening is our Sob Story of the Night. 25 year old shoe salesman Chris Golightly grew up in 25 different foster care homes and claims that he just wants to be loved and accepted. Chris sang the now classic “Stand by Me”. He has a decent tenor voice though he too seems a little bit self-indulgent. Horny Chick declares that Chris was her favorite from the L.A. auditions mostly because he can “really connect with” his back story, kind of like the blind guy that Kara and Paula fell for last season. Katy reminds Horny Chick that Idol is a singing competition and “not a Lifetime story,” leading Kara to complain that Katy is not teaming up with her like all the other guest female judges have done. It also leads me to wonder why Katy was not asked to be the full time fourth judge instead of Ellen. Katy and Simon give Chris a small “y” yes while Big Sexy agrees with Kara and gets a big hug from Horny Chick. Chris is off to Hollywood and gets beaten up by his 2 buddies while he tries to leave the hotel.

In all 22 golden tickets were handed out during the L.A. auditions, though for some reason the producers only felt like showing 5 of them.

The next auditions are in Dallas, where Trained Seal promised us a Barney appearance. Ooh, I should go fire up that DVR right now.

Your Three Stars of the Night: The two dads, Jim Ranger and Andrew Garcia, both stood out as did the apparently designated rocker chick Mary Powers. Honorable mention goes to the other minister, Tasha Layton.