No, I have not abandoned you all. I was busy with other cases the last two nights, but thanks to the DVR I can still give you my insights into America’s favorite television program only a day or two later. Yeah, like you all care. Since I watched both audition shows tonight you get a 2 for 1 special. I thought about mailing this in and just giving you a list of winners and losers, but that would not be fair to the 2 or 3 regular readers out there who might actually care.
Let us start in Chicago, the Jewel of the Midwest (among other names it seems) and apparently the home of a lot of angry people, at least that is what the Idol producers want us to apparently believe since they start the show with a bunch of swearing and one-finger salutes. Trained Seal then tries to use the fact that President Obama lived in Chicago to promote the show as if Obama was the guest judge. 12,000 contestants try to follow in Obama’s footsteps by lobbying the judges for the right for American voters to vote for them.
Tonight’s guest judge is Shania Twain, heralded by Horny Chick as someone who “wrote some of the greatest pop songs” in history. Now wait, Trained Seal just told us that Shania was a country singer. I am so confused. Shania enlightens us by revealing that she once peed her pants during an audition. Thanks for sharing Shania.
First up is 19 year old Katelyn Epperly from West Des Moines, IA. Katelyn immediately campaigns for Sob Story of the Night when she tells us that her dad had just left her and her mom and that she was auditioning to cheer her mom up after this tragic event. Katelyn has a decent voice and blonde hair, so take a guess what happens. That’s right, it is in your face dad, Katelyn and her mom are going to Hollywood!
Broadway baby Amy Lang from Westchester, OH, is next, and she is 10 tons of fun with her dancing boobs. Yes, dancing boobs, but hey, she only wants to have a good time. Amy also told Ryan that she had a wet dream about him, which along with Shania’s revelation about her on-stage “accident” is something I would have preferred not to know. Amy butchered an Aretha Franklin song and got three no’s, though she impressed Horny Chick with her “boob-boxing.”
Charity Vance, 16, from Little Rock, AK, was encouraged to try out for Idol by the customers at her parents’ hair salon. The judges are surprised by her good rendition of “Summertime”. For the umpteenth millionth time Big Sexy is surprised that a 16 year old can sing that well. After 9 seasons of 16 year old baby divas parading before him you would think Randy would have figured out by now that kids that young can actually sing.
After a parade of losers that the Idol producers love to show us during the audition shows, we are introduced again to Angela Martin from Chicago. I actually remember this chick who tried out in both Season 7 and Season 8. She was cut during Hollywood Week in Season 7, which she implied was due in part to her dad being killed before she left home. Then in Season 8 she made it to the Top 50 but had to drop out to because she had to go to court for a “traffic violation.” I guess they don’t have traffic school in Chicago or something. You would think that if it were only a traffic violation then Angela could have just applied for traffic school or at least get a postponement until after the chair show, but I guess not. Angela promises that this time it’ll be different. She works her way through a decent version of Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine” that was not great, but then it probably did not need to be since she was more or less automatic to go to Hollywood anyway. Horny Chick is impressed that Angela “actually listened to the criticism” from the judges in seasons past. Yeah, that is why she is going to Hollywood, and if you believe that then I have a bridge I can sell you.
Day 2 begins with Curley Newbern, a 26 year old “parent” from Chicago. Unemployed I would guess. Untalented for sure. The singing sounded like steam from a kettle, and during his audition Captain Jack was laughing, Horny Chick was daydreaming, the guest judge was sleeping, and Big Sexy was looking out the window. Even Curley did not think he was very good as he walked out of the audition room before the judges voted.
Hot on Curley’s heels is 19 year old Alannah Halbert, a bookstore employee also from Chicago. Alannah has a hard time finding the key to her song so the judges of course try to give her one, which Big Sexy thought was just “wild.” When you need singing lessons during your audition then your chances of getting a golden ticket are not very good. It did not seem to matter to Alannah though, since she told Trained Seal afterwards that she had already forgotten what the judges had tried to teach her.
After a parade of losers shown like a silent movie, we meet 27 year old Army vet Brian Krause from Pittsburgh, PA. Brian wants to show his former staff sergeant that he will be the next American Idol, though singing Tiny Tim’s “Tiptoe through the Tulips” is probably not the best way to do this. After Captain Jack questions his sincerity Brian assures us on his mother’s life that his appearance was not a joke. I do not know what is scarier, that Brian is a substitute teacher or that Brian once carried a rifle.
Trained Seal whined about the lack of golden tickets in Day 2, and it only gets worse when 25 year old construction worker Harold Davis claims that he has spirit and soul and that he will blast off like a rocket in the audition room. Sadly his rocket was a dud. Harold claimed that it was because of his allergies but Big Sexy was not buying it. This leaves Harold in tears, so Randy tries to cheer him up by saying that he hoped Harold learned a lot from his audition.
Finally, we get a new loser’s medley that was such a highlight from last season’s auditions. In honor of the guest judge the losers attempt to sing Shania’s “Impress Me Much” with expected results.
John Park, a 20 year old student from Northbrook, IL, finally breaks the loser streak by showing off a nice, smooth voice that sends Shania into a cascade of sexually laced metaphors that turns Big Sexy on. Shania thought John had “a beautiful bottom end,” “nice lips,” and a “good head.” Afterwards Shania has no regrets and Randy needs a cold shower.
Trained Seal tries to pump up the remaining contestants and introduces us to our final contestant, 21 year old Paige Dechausse from Morris, IL. We had a sob story to start the show and now here is one at the end, as Paige talked about how she almost died after a bad asthma attack when she was 15. She does a decent rendition of Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come.” Captain Jack thought it was too indulgent, probably because Paige closed her eyes during the entire song. Horny Chick and the guest judge both say yes and then lobby a wavering Big Sexy to give her a Hollywood ticket.
13 auditioners received tickets to Hollywood, including Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones, who we hear for only about 5 seconds. The only reason I mention them is because after Kris Allen’s victory last year you never know if one of these unknowns will end up winning this thing.
We are off to Orlando for the second audition show, where 10,000 auditioners arrive on the same day as the launch of the Space Shuttle. Thus Trained Seal treated us to a number of space analogies along with a number of unnamed references to Disney World. Since Idol is on Fox instead of ABC I guess Ryan cannot use the name of any Disney property, at least until he takes Disney over as part of his plan to rule the world.
Trained Seal tempts fate by revealing that the judges are not at the audition. Could it be that kayfabe will finally be broken and Ryan will tell us that the initial auditions and the judging are not held on the same day? Nope, guess again. Instead Trained Seal follows his marching orders and claims that he, Simon, and Randy flew in after a short vacation in Miami.
Orlando’s guest judge is Kristen Chenowith, who immediately bonds with Horny Chick. Apparently Kara really does miss Rehab Girl after stealing Paula’s job because she claims that she needs another chick to bond with, even though all of the guest judges so far have been fellow chicks.
The first contestant from Orlando is 22 year old Theo Glinton, a hairdresser from Fort Pierce, FL, who vamps into the audition with a cape and silver discs glued to his face. He sings Pat Benetar’s “Heartbreaker” with a better voice than someone wearing a cape and silver discs should have, but not good enough to convince the judges to give him a yes. Like so many other contestants this season Theo thought he was another Jennifer Hudson, who apparently has become the patron saint of Idol losers judging by how often they evoke her name after they get rejected.
We see a parade of no’s highlighted by someone in a chicken suit and another person dressed as a gargoyle. Trained Seal then brags about the bond the two chick judges have formed in just a few short hours together.
Seth Rollins, 28, from Lakeland, FL, is the first of three promised sob stories of the night, as he tells us about his son with autism. Other than that Seth seems like a normal guy, quite odd for this program. Seth shows off a good voice while singing “Someone to Watch over Me,” which impressed Kristen the Broadway vet. Kara wants to keep hearing him while Randy wants more vibe. Seth gets 4 yeses and a big hug from his son.
24 year old student Jermaine Purifoy from Cleveland, TN auditioned in Season 7 but was rejected, and now is back for more. He has a decent voice that I thought was a little pitchy, but pitchy man Big Sexy thought it was the best audition of the season. Kristen likes the purity, Horny Chick likes the honesty, and this time Jermaine is off to Hollywood.
The last contestant from Day 1 in Orlando is Shelby Dressel, an 18 year old waitress from Avon Park, FL, who is sob story number two. Shelby suffers from a condition where the right side of her mouth is paralyzed. Shelby does a nice imitation of Norah Jones while singing “Turn Me On”, despite only singing on one side of her mouth and forgetting the lyrics about two-thirds of the way through the audition. It was good enough for the judges to award her with 4 yeses and a golden ticket.
Day 2 begins with Kristen being summoned back to Broadway so we are back to the classic 3 judge format with Captain Jack, Big Sexy, and Horny Chick in the middle. I guess Kristen and Horny Chick did not bond as well as Trained Seal told us they did. The first auditioner is 25 year old music student Jay Stone from Miami. Despite being a music student Jay chooses to make noises instead of singing “Come Together”. Horny Chick is in ecstasy over the Michael Winslow impersonation and says yes on the spot. Randy challenges him to actually sing a song, but Jay’s singing of Bill Withers’ “Ain't No Sunshine” is drowned out by Kara and Randy making noises. Horny Chick convinces Big Sexy to say yes and he is off to Hollywood.
Janell Wheeler, Brittany Starr Jones, and Kasi Bedford all get 5 seconds of air time and tickets to Hollywood, though they have really cool names.
Cornelius Edwards, 24, from Boynton Beach, FL, tells the judges that he learned how to dance from his friends who are male strippers. After saying that he is going to sing Tina Turner’s “Rollin’” (instead of Ike and Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary”) I’m thinking that he is auditioning for the wrong Fox show. His singing does not change my mind until Cornelius does a split that lands with a big thud on the floor, causing every woman in America to jump and every man in America to wince. Captain Jack admires the sacrifice and says yes for that reason alone. Randy and Kara concur and he is off to Hollywood.
Cherry Hill, NJ, sisters Bernadette and Amanda Desimone stroll in together with tall hair-dos and short dresses. Bernadette, 27, goes first and does a rushed version of “Hit the Road Jack.” Then Amanda, 23, does a less rushed version of Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” that sis mouthed and danced along to from the side. Horny Chick loves the Jersey girls, while Captain Jack thought Bernadette was being “crazy naughty” during her sister’s audition. The sisters beg the judges to say yes claiming that “the show needs us.” Yeah, like a kick in the head, or an actual singer. The begging worked as the judges say yes.
28 year old graphic designer Jarred Norrell from Marietta, GA, prepped for his audition by dancing on the beach to get his buzz on. Jarred sounds like he has a buzz from a different source. Jarred attempts “Amazing Grace” because he has “gotta give it up for God.” The judges wish that he just give up. I thought he sounded like a buzz saw. Horny Chick one ups me by asking “Oh good Lord, what was that?” and comparing his voice to a lawn mower. Jarred starts losing it because he cannot believe Kara is serious. That’s not Rehab Girl sitting there pal; you ain't getting the positive treatment from the chick judge this year. Like other Psychos of the Night Jarred starts to sing again rather than accept his good advice and leave. Unlike other Psychos of the Night Jarred is led out of the audition hall in handcuffs by security and a deputy sheriff.
The last performer in Orlando is 25 year old Matt Lawrence, who manages his father’s trucking company in Starke, FL. Matt is sob story number 3 since he spent 4 years behind bars for robbing a bank with a BB gun when he was 15. The big guy sings “Trouble” with a big ole’ country voice even though he has a hard time staying in rhythm. All the judges love Matt’s authenticity, another common theme of the night besides Disney and the space shuttle, and he gets 3 yeses. Horny Chick then channels Rehab Girl by predicting that Matt will be in the Top 12.
31 Hollywood tickets were awarded in Orlando, more than any another audition site so far. Next week the auditions are from LA with Katy Perry joining the judges. We will see if I will be able to post the recap within 24 hours of its airing.
Your Three Stars of (Both) Nights: Charity Vance and John Park impressed me the most from the Chicago auditions, and normal guy Seth Rollins was the only one who impressed me from Orlando. Honorable mention goes to Katelyn Epperly from Chicago and Matt Lawrence from Orlando.
Friday, January 22, 2010
My Kind of Town Disney World Is
Thursday, January 14, 2010
She's a Little Bit Country
For the fifth time in nine seasons American Idol has come to Atlanta for auditions. It is Trained Seal’s hometown, which may explain why American Idol has been there more than any other city. Perhaps my dad is on to something about his theory about Ryan taking over the entire entertainment industry.
By the way, I refuse to refer to Atlanta as Hotlanta, and this will be the only sentence that you will see this mutant word. Just so you know.
It is with a heavy heart that I write this as I am watching the footage from Haiti. It is just indescribable.
Tonight’s guest judge is Mary J. Blige, the Empress of Soul who has actually sold some records recently, unlike almost of the other judges both permanent and guest, not to mention the tor-mentors the producers have paraded out in recent years. I imagine Mary J is the Empress of Soul because the Queen of Soul name has already been taken and is still very much alive, though it was hard to find Aretha Franklin behind that hat she wore at the Obama inauguration.
But I digress…
10,000 auditioners arrived at an unnamed sports facility to do some group shouting and try and bribe the producers to let them come back a month or two later to entertain the judges and all of us. The judging was held at yet another unnamed hotel, but this time the contestants had to travel up a glass elevator to the 27th Floor to meet the judges. Of course this unique feature was played to the hilt by Trained Seal throughout the show.
Our first contestant is Dewone Robinson, a 27 year old sales associate (i.e. retail salesman) from Atlanta. Dewone has music in his blood, or so he says. He claims that his great uncle discovered the Pips, though no mention of former Idol guest judge Gladys Knight, and that another relative was a drummer at Motown. Dewone attempts a self-written number that is almost always (with 1 exception last season) the kiss of death. Sure enough that was the case here, though Dewone blamed his shaky performance on Captain Jack’s interruptions when he started. Simon, to be fair, gave him another chance and it was obvious that it wasn't the interruptions.
During the first break there was a Kris Allen sighting. He’s in a new Ford commercial for all of about 10 seconds. But at least he was there.
Our first good contestant was Kela Johnson, 26, from Memphis, TN. Kela won the Miss Congeniality prize at a Miss America warm up pageant and it was clear that it was because of her nice, pleasant personality. Kela has a nice voice too, though her choice of one of Celine Dion’s Titanic songs was not one of her brighter decisions. She still got 4 yeses and a golden ticket though. Horny Chick said yes because Kela didn't make funny faces when she sang.
Miriam Lemnoimi, Noel Reese, and Tisha Holland all got 10 seconds of air time and tickets to Hollywood.
26 year old church singer Jermaine Sellers from Joliet, IL, told us about his mother with spinal bifida that he has been taking care of. Despite his attempt at a sob story Jermaine impressed the judges with good voice by putting an R&B groove into Joan Osborne’s “One of Us”. Horny Chick was in love (though Jermaine did not ask her out), Big Sexy thought he had “skillz,” and Mary J thought Jermaine was anointed. All Captain Jack said was that Jermaine was going to Hollywood.
Christy Marie Agronow just turned 25 and told us about her job as a TV hostess for a local Atlanta show “411: The Show”. One wonders why a show with a title like that is not nationally syndicated. Christy does an over-emotional version of Pat Benetar's “Love is a Battlefield”, which Horny Chick sympathized with. Captain Jack told Christy that she should change her TV show name to 911. I wonder why no one advised Christy to try out for Trained Seal’s job.
19 year old Vanessa Wolfe comes from the smallest town in Tennessee, Vonore. Vanessa spends her time in Vonore jumping off bridges, thankfully into water. If you think Vanessa needs to get out more she would be the first to agree with you. Vanessa walks into the audition room very nervous but still manages to sing a decent version of some country song with an authentic country twang. All 4 judges like her authenticity and give her a ticket to Hollywood. Vanessa is so excited that she will be flying in an “aero-plane” for the first time in her life. Hmmm, that sounds familiar...
I wondered if Jesse Hamilton had even been on an aero plane after he talked about how he almost died three separate times, including one time when Jesse’s cousin almost shot him. We know this thanks to the cheap dramatizations put together by the producers. Horny Chick apparently didn't read her notes because she got all upset at Captain Jack when he asked Jesse to confirm that he almost died. The 26 year old from Anniston, AL, was too scared to sing Garth Brooks “The River” so Big Sexy suggests Jesse sing “If Tomorrow Never Comes” instead. Jesse still struggles with that, leading Mary J to break down in either tears of laughter or tears of sadness. It was hard to tell since Mary J hid behind Horny Chick to get out of sight of the camera and from Jesse. Even though Jesse finally got some words out it was not enough to go to Hollywood.
Holly Harden, 20, from Rockmort, GA, walked into the audition room as The Human Guitar. Holly wore the outfit for Halloween and because her friends liked the costume so much she thought it would work for Idol too. Holly looks and sounds just like Kellie Pickler, the second one tonight to lead me to think of the country girl from Season 6. Holly too has a decent country voice. If only the guitar sunglasses were not so distracting. Horny Chick voted yes because Holly is “ballsy” for wearing the costume. Both Mary J and Big Sexy voted no, leaving it to Captain Jack to decide Holly’s fate. The next shot is Holly dancing out of the elevator with a golden ticket.
20 year old Mallory Haley from Winner, SD, lives up to her name by earning a ticket to Hollywood, even though she was the one-millionth contestant to sing “Piece of My Heart”. Mary J thought it was the best vocal of the audition.
Antonio “Skiiboski” Wheeler, 22, from Orlando, FL, waltzed into the audition room full of confidence and smooth moves. His shirt even had his name on it, though until Big Sexy pointed it out he didn't know that the printer left out the second “i.” Skiiboski sang a decent version of “Grapevine” (his name for “I Heard It through the Grapevine”) with a couple of extra moves and words thrown in. He tells the judges that he is “like a dollar store… you can have everything you want in one package and it ain't gonna cost you more than a dollar.” Seriously, I don’t make this stuff up. Horny Chick can feel him and says yes. After that line I am not surprised. Mary J likes the voice but not the image yet still says yes. Big Sexy is lost but still says yes, meaning Skiiboski is off to Hollywood even though Captain Jack said no.
BFFs from Baxley, GA, 19 year old Carmen Turner and 18 year old Lauren Sanders, come together into the audition room and engage in some silly banter with the judges. Before heading up the elevator Trained Seal asks them how they would feel if one of them made it and the other did not, all but guaranteeing that this would in fact happen. Lauren goes first and threatens to sing “
Captain Jack leaves the room to take a powder, leaving the remaining three judges to deal with a bunch of sour sounding Southern belles and The Singing Cop. Bryan Waller, a 25 year old police officer from Sevierville, TN, sang “Superstar” in the style of former Idol winner Ruben Stoddard and leaves the remaining judges stunned. Apparently none of them ever thought that a cop could sing (Didn't they ever see "Cop Rock"?). This one could and so he is off to Hollywood.
20 year old Lamar Royal from Goldsboro, NC, promises us that he will respect the judges’ opinions and that he welcomes constructive criticism. Yes, I’m sure you can see what is coming too. Lamar shouts out some unknown song that Big Sexy thought was torture. Horny Chick doesn't want to say that Lamar is a bad singer and Lamar clearly doesn't want to hear it. Both Randy and Kara try to give Lamar some good advice but Lamar doesn't want to hear that either, so instead he starts singing again. Lamar finally shuts up to hear this piece of advice from Mary J: “You have to find some humility in order to do this, and pull back and stop trying to exalt yourself and that’s what you’re doing. You’re running.” I’m not sure what it means but it must have been good because Lamar looked seriously hurt by it. It did sound nice and thus it is the Line of the Night. Lamar starts singing again so it is time for security to make its nightly appearance. On the way out Lamar shouts out some curse that Horny Chick did not think was cool. Lamar continuing that cursing while travelling down the elevator, storming through the lobby, and then strutting out into the street. It is hard to believe that someone could earn Psycho of the Night honors without Captain Jack in the room, but anything can happen on American Idol.
Our final “contestant” is General Larry Platt, a 62 year old veteran from Atlanta who was let in solely to close the show with an original song, “Pants on the Ground.” It’s a catchy little tune that puts the judges in tears and inspires both Big Sexy and Captain Jack to go buy a belt afterwards. General Platt also managed to do the splits not once but twice. Like “Brothers Forever” two seasons back this song is destined to be relived at the finale in May.
25 Hollywood tickets were issued in Atlanta, and they all were asked to sing the pants song before going home to pack their bags.
Next Tuesday American Idol goes to Chicago with Shania Twain as the guest judge. Hopefully it’ll only be an hour show and I'll be able to finish the recap before midnight, though these recaps have allowed me to see Conan and Dave crack jokes about Jay Leno.
Your Three Stars of the Night: Jermaine Sellers, Mallory Haley, and The Singing Cop Bryan Walker were the best of the evening. Kela Johnson was pretty good, and if you like country you can send some love to Vanessa Wolfe and The Human Guitar Holly Harden.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Don't Look Back
We begin the ninth season of American Idol with a quick recap of the Season 8 finale, “the most spectacular finale in history” according to Ryan. We’re only 30 seconds into the new season and Trained Seal is already in mid-season form. The opening sequence also briefly mentions Paula leaving and Ellen’s pending arrival during Hollywood Week. Ryan also throws some sob story previews at us.
After the world famous intro, including Season 8 winner Adam Lam…, I mean Kris Allen, we are in Boston, where 9,000 potential American Idols wait in the rain at Foxboro Stadium for the opportunity to come back later when it is nice and sunny to perform for the fab four in some downtown hotel. Trained Seal later attempted to explain the difference in weather between the stadium and the hotel by claiming that the weather cleared up. I love how the producers still try to keep up the illusion that the auditions and the judging are on the same day and at the same place.
Tonight’s guest judge is Posh Spice, also known to football fans as Mrs. David Beckham, to her many fans as Victoria, and to her friends as V. I’ll go with V because it is easier to type and I would like to be her friend.
Our first contestant of the evening is Janet McNamara, a 26 year old accountant from Somersville, MA. If I have learned anything from doing these Idol recaps it is that the first contestant of the season is always bad, and Season 9 was no exception. Janet claims that she learned how to sing from the American Idol video game, and then promptly makes the programmers look real bad. Captain Jack looks ready to jump out of the back window, which unlike last season in New York doesn't fall on him. After Horny Chick critiques Janet’s performance she claims that Paula always liked her in the video game, which comes as no surprise to anyone except Kara, who believes from that comment that Janet thought she was Rehab Girl.
Contestant Number 2 is 16 year old Maddy Curtis from Bluemont, VA. Maddy is the 9th of 12 children and has been taking care of her Down’s Syndrome older brother along with two younger brothers with Down’s that her parents adopted. I think I will stop there with the snide comments and instead point out that she did a nice job with Leonard Coen's “Hallelujah”. All 4 judges liked her authentic sound despite the nervousness that I for one did not hear. Maddy got 4 yeses and the first Season 9 golden ticket to Hollywood.
Pat Ford, 17, from Derry, NH, took time out of entertaining the crowd in the waiting room with white guy break dancing to dance and holler in front of the judges. Horny Chick likes Pat’s moves but no one was thrilled with Pat’s singing, especially Captain Jack who is again ready to jump out of the window. Pat of course thought that he “did awesome”. Big Sexy makes his first appearance of the season to tell Pat that he should quit singing forever. He was just keeping it real of course. Pat gets a hug from Horny Chick but no ticket to Hollywood.
The Ford moment of the day featured Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller, and Jess Wolfe, three chicks who didn't do enough to get lots of TV time but did enough to get Hollywood tickets. Well, it worked for Kris Allen.
28 year old Amadeo Diricco brought a big Italian family from Providence, RI, and a big Italian attitude to his audition. He belted out Muddy Waters’ “Hoochie Coochie Man” with lots of passion but with not so much singing talent. However, all of the judges liked Amadeo's spirit and gave him 4 yeses. Maybe it was because Amadeo invited them all to dinner with the family along with the rest of America. I’ll give him credit for singing a Muddy Waters song on American Idol. Amadeo got a big family hug from his brothers when he came out of the audition room, so big that they almost strangled both him and Trained Seal.
Next up was Derek Hilton, a 19 year old “spiritual kind of guy” from Bellingham, MA. He claimed his voice was a cross between Chris Brown and The Eagles, and while he had 1 or 2 good notes there were hundreds of others that were not even close to either Chris Brown, The Eagles, or anyone else. I've never heard Chris Brown but I bet he doesn't sound like Derek. After getting four no’s Derek leaves the hotel disappointed, thinking that he could have “touched America in a totally different way.” I’m afraid to imagine what he meant by that.
After a parade of losers and tears, we are introduced to Mary Doyle, a 24 year old amine freak from Walpore, MA who makes her own kimonos and claims to have auditioned hundreds of times. She rushed though Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”, but apparently it was not fast enough for Captain Jack. After hearing Simon’s criticism Mary whines that “you can’t really say that to me” because “everyone says that I’m good,” including 2 vocal judges. Big Sexy is surprised to hear that she has had vocal coaching. Captain Jack reveals that he wanted to go to the moon but didn't and that Mary should follow his good advice, that is if she can figure out what Simon was advising her about. Indeed, Mary is not buying it and by doing so she put herself in the running for Psycho of the Night.
We quickly see Luke Shafter from New York City and Ben Bright from Rome, NY, get golden tickets.
Then comes 25 year old Andrew Fenlon from Boston. Andrew is full of anger from having to wait all day in the holding room for his audition. At least he didn't get sent back out in the rain like those other scmucks back at the stadium. Captain Jack reads Andrew the riot act after Andrew acts like a smart ass during the Q&A. After stumbling through “House of the Rising Sun” Horny Chick rips into Andrew for being upset about waiting so long to audition and attempts to make him feel guilty for his bad attitude. Andrew thinks Kara was reading too much into his attitude. After Captain Jack claims Andrew has “bad energy” Andrew wants to have a little conversation about his attitude, claiming that his anger was in fact confidence. After some more yelling from Horny Chick she, V, and Big Sexy say no. Captain Jack then provokes Horny Chick further by voting yes before Andrew is escorted from the audition room.
After some more losers we hear from Ashley Rodriquez, a 21 year old Berkeley School of Music student from Boston. She does a nice version of an Alisha Keys song and has both the look and the sound, or “It” as Captain Jack calls it. 4 strong yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.
19 year old Tyler Grady from Nazareth, PA, comes into the audition room with both of his wrists taped. Apparently he fell out of tree and broke both of them, but that doesn't stop Tyler from pursuing his big break. Tyler is a drummer who wants to be a front man, and if you ask Horny Chick and V he’s ready for that role without singing a note. Big Sexy asks Captain Jack “are we even here?” a question I've wanted to ask Randy for years. Tyler has a decent voice to go with the look and gets 4 yeses to Hollywood.
Day 2 begins with a lame attempt by Trained Seal and Idol’s graphic artist to explain the history of Boston using caricatures of the judges. No sign of Paula sadly. This is followed by Lisa Olivero, a 24 year old waitress from Billerica, MA, who has a nice booty but a nasty voice, which she shows off by screaming her way through Mariah Carey’s “Vision of Love”. Well, if you are going to scream a song you can’t go wrong with Mariah Carey. Captain Jack thinks it was the craziest rendition of a Mariah Carey song that he had ever heard, which is saying something given how many Mariah songs have been butchered on this show over the years. Horny Chick, showing off her impressive talent evaluation skills, tells Lisa that she should practice more as if that would help.
18 year old Mike Davis, an actor who performs on a speedboat named “Codzilla” in Boston, performs a decent though unspectacular version of The Beatles' “Yesterday”. Horny Chick tells Mike that she wants to hang out with him, and the cheeky guy actually asks Kara out for a date. While Big Sexy was not happy with his voice, Mike gets yeses from the other judges. Trained Seal broke the news to Mike later that Horny Chick says that to all the male performers and that he really has no chance of getting anywhere with her.
90 minutes in and we finally get to the first contender for Sob Story of the Night. It is 16 year old Katie Stevens from Middlebury, CT. Katie takes care of her grandmother who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. She even learned Portuguese in order to talk to her grandma who is from Portugal. Katie wants to do well on Idol while her grandma still remembers who she is. Now that’s sweet. Katie does her grandma proud by singing a strong rendition of Etta James’ “At Last”. After 4 equally strong yeses Katie is greeted at the door by about 50 people, all except for grandma who hears the news over the phone and still remembers who called her.
Joshua Blaylock, a 28 year old from New York City, does a bit pitchy but decent rendition of an unidentified song (there were plenty of those tonight). V likes Joshua’s little voice, but Captain Jack was bored. Both Simon and Big Sexy urge Joshua to be a little more assertive. Randy asks Joshua to tell Simon to shut up, while Captain Jack asks Joshua to get on Big Sexy’s case when Randy says that he sees Joshua as a Spandau Ballet type singer. The assertiveness training seemed to work as Joshua was given a Hollywood ticket.
Katie’s rival for Sob Story of the Night is Justin Williams, a 27 year old vocal coach from Sandy, UT (David Archuleta’s home town I believe) who was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago. He’s cancer free now and impressed the judges with his torch singer voice. 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood soon followed.
After a short montage of V just to remind us that she was the guest judge tonight, we meet 18 year old Norbeto Guerrero from Reading, PA. Norbeto is sporting a big puffy hairdo, a beard, and some interesting attire. He does a dirge rendition of some song and then forgets the lyrics because he is so nervous, or so he claims. Big Sexy gratuitously allows Norbeto to try again but it is not much better. Norbeto inspires Captain Jack to utter tonight’s Line of the Night, saying that Norbeto “sang like a 3 year old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you've got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird.” V tries to make Norbeto feel better by telling him that she too forgets the lyrics sometimes, but then behind his back she tells Captain Jack that she thought Norbeto was dressed like Janet Jackson instead of LaToya.
Bosa Mora, a 22 year old from Columbus, OH, is the son of immigrants from Nigeria. Bosa's mom wears a traditional Nigerian headdress to the audition that elicits a smart ass comment from Trained Seal. Bosa has a decent voice but some goofy facial expressions that Captain Jack thought was boring. V finally shows some Rehab Girl sassiness by questioning why Captain Jack always rolls his eyes. After telling Big Sexy that he is “ready to work,” on what we don’t know, Bosa gets a ticket to Hollywood.
Our last contestant of the evening is Lea Laurenti, a 22 year old from Medford, NY who claims to have lived a sheltered childhood. She belts her way through “Big Skies”, which I thought drowned out the soul of the song but the other judges thought was a soulful rendition. Well, what do they know? That being said, Lea had one of the better voices of the night and is going to Hollywood.
All in all 21 of the 9000 auditioners in Boston are going to Hollywood, or are in Hollywood right now if the Idol dream machine is to be believed. Tomorrow it’s the Atlanta auditions where we were promised some more swearing than what we had to endure tonight.
Your Three Stars of the Night: Ashley Rodriguez was the best of the night, which naturally leads me to wonder if she is a ringer. Maddy Curtis and Katie Stevens followed close behind, with honorable mentions to Justin Williams and Lea Laurenti.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Revolution Number 9
OK boys and girls, it's January, it's cold, Fox has aired it's last BCS bowl game, so that can only mean one thing; this will be the last Tuesday night that I'll be able to go to bed at a reasonable hour because American Idol is coming back.
Yes, the singing sensation that has swept the nation survived an offseason that saw one of the judges leave, another of the judges threaten to leave, the previous season runner-up embarrass himself on national television, and the previous season winner pretty much disappear, just as I predicted back in May. Yes, I know Tender Dawg's debut album debuted at #11 on the Billboard charts back in November, but where it is now? Try #59. Meanwhile, the frumpy Susan Boyle from Captain Jack's other show has the #1 album in America right now and last season's runner-up Adam Lambert's album is at #29. In other Idol news Chris Daughtry's second album is at #53, David Archuleta's Christmas album is at #80 (I'm still waiting for that rehab stint I predicted 2 years ago), Kelly Clarkson's album is at #144, Carrie Underwood has 2 albums on the charts at #146 and at #156, third place finisher Alison Irahata's album is at #165 (and no, I haven't bought it), Daughtry's first album is still on the charts at #173, and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon is at #91. I know Pink Floyd has nothing to do with Idol. I am just amazed that it is still on the charts. I thought it was like an urban legend or something. No sign of Katherine McPhee (though rumor has it that she has an album out) or David Cook, who I have not heard any rumors about since he stopped dating that reality TV star whose name escapes me at the moment.
Yes, I did try and add in as many former Idol contestants as I could into that last paragraph. I have to rehearse too, you know.
Speaking of Pink Floyd, that is about where my knowledge of popular music ends, so one of the things that I like about Idol is that I get to learn about all the pop stars that the kids like but don't make the news for cutting their hair off or going into rehab. Jason Mraz and Snow Patrol are just 2 examples of artists that I would have never heard of had I not been watching Idol and taking notes as I did so.
I suppose the reason why all of last year's contestants except for Broadway Boy have disappeared into the mist is because the media attention paid to Idol this summer and fall has been the circus going on behind the judges' table. My favorite judge Paula Abdul officially left the show back in the summer for reasons that to this day she refuses to fully explain. Or perhaps she is just unable to. In her place came a parade of celebrity fourth judges during the auditions, and come February we will see the debut of Ellen DeGeneres as the full time judge. The biggest challenge for Idol this season will be to try and justify having a stand-up comic/daytime talk show host who cannot sing judging a singing competition without having it look like the show jumped the shark. The second biggest challenge will be for me to figure out a politically correct nickname for her.
But seriously, how did the producers pull Ellen's name out of the hat? Was Oprah not interested? Was Tyra Banks too busy? You mean to tell me that out of the thousands and thousands of female singers out there they could not find a single one willing to be paid millions of dollars to make incoherent comments and serve as a comic fodder for Simon Cowell? This sure smells like a jumping the shark moment to me.
And now the rumor mill is filled with stories that Captain Jack will be leaving after this season in order to blackmail Fox into greenlighting his singing competition show The X Factor. Some have speculated that this is why Simon has not said anything about the Ellen hiring, given how often he got on Kara DioGuardi's case last season for being a bad judge of singing ability. Horny Chick has been silent about the Captain Jack rumors but both Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest (who my dad still thinks is trying to take over the world) have coyly suggested that there are no truth to them. Like Simon would tell either of those two. Piers Morgan, who does a decent Captain Jack impression on America's Got Talent, is the odds-on favorite to replace Simon should he decide to leave, though Morgan seems more interested in promoting The X Factor than campaigning to take the captain's place. Second choice right now is Sean Combs for reasons that I have no clue about. I don't ever remember Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Puffy/P Buffy ever even being a guest mentor on Idol. At least Ellen appeared on the Idol Gives Back shows. I wonder what the odds are on Ted McGinley?
Variety is reporting that the Idol producers decided to ditch the 36 semi-finalists idea that they used last season and go back to the 12 boys/12 girls format they used in Seasons 4-7. Apparently this decision was based on focus group research (which may also explain the Ellen hiring) and on the belief that having 36 contestants allowed a few folks to get into the semis last season who perhaps should not have. Funny, using the 12/12 format in Season 6 didn't stop Sanjaya Malakar from getting into the final 12. How soon they forgot about you Sanjaya...
So everyone get your pencil and paper out because here is the Idol Season 9 schedule:
Tuesday, Jan. 12: Season Premiere, Part 1 – Boston Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 13: Season Premiere, Part 2 – Atlanta Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Jan. 19: Chicago Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 20: Orlando Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Jan. 26: Dallas Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Jan. 27: Los Angeles Auditions Episode
Tuesday, Feb. 2: Denver Auditions Episode
Wednesday, Feb. 3: “The Road to Hollywood” Auditions Episode (previously known as "The Best of the Rest" episode)
Tuesday, Feb. 9: Hollywood Round, Part 1
Wednesday, Feb. 10: Hollywood Round, Part 2 (a whole night of Group Day, oh, joy)
Tuesday, Feb. 16: Hollywood Round, Part 3
Wednesday, Feb. 17: Hollywood Round, Part 4 – Top 24 Semifinalists Announced (no word on whether or not they'll be using chairs or the judges' mansion again - maybe Paula took the mansion with her in the divorce settlement)
Tuesday, Feb. 23: Top 12 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, Feb. 24: Top 12 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, Feb. 25: First Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated
Tuesday, March 2: Top 10 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, March 3: Top 10 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, March 4: Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated
Tuesday, March 9: Top 8 Female Semifinalists Perform
Wednesday, March 10: Top 8 Male Semifinalists Perform
Thursday, March 11: Results Show – Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated; Finalists Revealed
Tuesday, March 16: Top 12 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 17: Top 12 Results Show
Tuesday, March 23: Top 11 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 24: Top 11 Results Show
Tuesday, March 29: Top 10 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 30: Top 10 Results Show (the Idol summer tour lineup is set)
Tuesday, April 6: Top 9 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 7: Top 9 Results Show
Tuesday, April 13: Top 8 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 14: Top 8 Results Show
Tuesday, April 20: Top 7 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 21: Idol Gives Back returns (Top 7 Results? We'll find out, after the break)
Tuesday, April 27: Top 6 or 7 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, April 28: Top 6 or 7 Results Show
Tuesday, May 4: Top 5 Finalists Perform (1 song or 2?)
Wednesday, May 5: Top 5 Results Show
Tuesday, May 11: Top 4 Finalists Perform (will we see the duets again?)
Wednesday, May 12: Top 4 Results Show
Tuesday, May 18: Top 3 Finalists Perform (without Paula picking the song for one of the contestants how will we know which of the 3 will be eliminated?)
Wednesday, May 19: Top 3 Results Show
Tuesday, May 25: Top 2 Finalists Perform at the Nokia Theater (will they be forced to sing one of Horny Chick's songs again?)
Wednesday, May 26: The Season Finale (the Season 9 American Idol is crowned; lots of confetti is dropped; lots of awkward group and duet performances; followed by a 20 page recap by yours truly)
I have no idea how I am going to find time to write all of these recaps. The judge's docket is a little more crowded this year compared to the last 2, so I cannot promise that I'll have my recap up before the next sunrise or before the Vote for the Worst.com guys do. I can only paraphrase the infamous Idol auditioner William Hung: I'll do my best.
