That Soul, Croaky, Cool Thing In There

Is it just me or does it seem like the live shows should have started like a month ago? Seriously, with the extra Hollywood Week and the 4 Vegas/chair shows I wondering if the producers will be able to get the finale in before Nigel's dance show starts in the summer. I hope this doesn't mean there will be three Idol shows a week. I'm barely keeping up with just 2.

Trained Seal began tonight's show like he always does, talking about the contestants singing for their lives and stuff, only this time the Mirage volcanoes were in the background. I remember how cool those volcanoes were when they were first put in. Now it's like ho-hum, kind of like American Idol...

It's the last 10 chicks singing for their souls tonight and first up is Melinda Ademi, whose sob story was featured in Season 10 when she was kicked out at Vegas in favor of Thia Megia, one of several Filipino chicks who always sing well in their Idol auditions but then burn out during the live shows. We'll see if Adriana Lotonio follows that same path or not. Yes, I know Jessica Sanchez made it all the way to the finale last season but that doesn't count since I didn't recap last season's shows. They were all just a dream...

Oh yeah, back to Melinda. Her sob story was that her family fled Kosovo during the civil war there. She was one of the few who didn't sing a ballad tonight, instead she did some up tempo Beyonce' type song. She was also one of the few who didn't sing a big note at the end. As you might expect Sole Survivor criticized her for not singing the big note at the end and for once I agreed with the audience who booed him for it. Melinda made the mistake of singing the same song as one of the contestants last week, Miley Cyrus lookalike Angela Miller, and Jaws thought Melinda's version didn't compare with Angela's. Glitter Girl tried to excuse that by claiming that Melinda was nervous.

Next to sing was Candace Glover, who was kicked out at the Vegas show last season to the astonishment of all of this season's judges, including Sole Survivor, the dawg who cut her last year. She has sang better so far this year, perhaps the new purple highlight in her hair has something to do with that. Tonight she sang Aretha's "Natural Woman" and it was technically good but kind of flat. Not her best performance this season among the ones we've seen. Mr. Kidman still loved it though and gave Candace a standing O. Jaws was "boggled" about how Candace was cut last year. Sole Survivor tried to justify that by dropping a YO and then claiming that last year was a different season and that Candace has grown since then. Actually, it looked like Candace lost weight from last season.  Glitter Girl proped Candace up by coaxing her to admitting that she did the song arrangement. I'm surprised Mariah didn't name drop Aretha like she has been doing a lot of this season. Trained Seal saw the dude contestants' reactions and thought that they felt like natural women. Some of them I'd guess did before Candace sang a single note.

We were next introduced to 15 year old Juliana Chahayed, whose dad is a professional musician who sings in Arabic. Perhaps because of nerves Juliana slurred so many of her words during her performance that I wondered if she was singing in Arabic. She also held and occasionally played a guitar that was almost as big as her. Mr. Kidman commented on both the nerves and the guitar, comparing the latter to a cello. Then before the audience could boo him Keith lauded Juliana's tone and name dropped Jewel and what sounded like Liv Taylor. No, not Jagger Lite's daughter, at least I don't think so. Jaws said the same thing as Mr. Kidman only without the name drops or comments about the guitar. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and liked her honesty. Glitter Girl thought Juliana's voice sounded like an angel's and had a celestial quality. Trained Seal name dropped X-Factor judge Demi Lovato and got Juliana to admit that her vocal coach pushed her to sing the song.

After the break and Trained Seal's plug of the AT&T contest, we heard from Jett Hermano, a legal assistant from Seattle who abandoned her full ride scholarship at the University of Washington in order to be a singer. I'd be more impressed if she had done this recently rather than 6 years ago. Jett sang a slowed down version of a Rihanna song while playing, or at least sitting behind, a piano. Outside of the annoying runs it was a pretty good vocal, best of the night, though that's not saying much with this group. Mr. Kidman thought the arrangement brought out Jett's sexiness even though she wasn't wearing a short skirt. Both Jaws and Sole Survivor complained that she didn't climax the song well. Instead Jett built them up but didn't finish. Glitter Girl disagreed with both Nicki (no surprise) and Randy (big surprise) and didn't care that Jett "didn't have a fit on the piano." After Jaws revealed that Jett is Filipino she and Trained Seal talked about cool places to hang out in the Philippines.

Cristabel Clark got the Coca-Cola Treatment tonight, where she told Trained Seal that God gave the song lyrics to her while she was debating whether or not to come back to the show. I remembered her from the auditions as the chick with 3 kids and a Mohawk hairdo. Her performance tonight was full of lots of self indulgent runs that I wondered would Jesus do if he were an Idol contestant. Now there's a good theological discussion topic for you, would Jesus appear on American Idol? Lord knows (literally) a lot of contestants have claimed that Jesus was the inspiration for them to audition for the show. Mr. Kidman loved "that soul, croaky, cool thing in there." Jaws struggled to find the words to comment on Cristabel's performance and was made fun of by Keith for that. Eventually Nicki said that she loved the rasp but thought it was a little out of control and got booed. Sole Survivor praised her for being "a race horse singer" because she sang all those annoying runs and "that's what you're supposed to do."

Between singers Trained Seal pimped yet another AT&T promotion, where the viewers could Tweet whether or not they agreed with the judges and that the votes would be shown in real time. What Ryan didn't say was that the votes would only be shown when Nigel wanted them to rather than after every contestant's performance as was first implied.

Aubrey Cleland is a 19 year old Jessica Alba lookalike who likes animals and tight fitting dresses with high hem lines. I know they didn't show Aubrey during the audition shows because I would have remembered her. Aubrey is another Beyonce' sound alike who actually sang a Beyonce' song, a sleepy little number about dreaming. Mr. Kidman talked about how diverse the performances were so far tonight, but because Aubrey sang a ballad like all the other singers tonight (not to mention last week) I wondered if Keith was referring to something else. Jaws was obsessed with Aubrey and vice versa. Sole Survivor was obsessed with Aubrey, himself, the other judges, even Trained Seal. He also dropped a YO and claimed he would sign Aubrey right now if he could. Randy then got into an argument with Nicki over whether or not the song was a perfect choice for Aubrey. Trained Seal agreed with Nicki that it was the perfect song. Glitter Girl only had time to say that Aubrey had limitless potential, as the rest of her time was taken by Sole Survivor's obsession with arguing with Jaws.

Rachel Hale was the first of two country chicks to perform tonight. She's the chick from the small town in Arkansas with the big smile and the accent that Glitter Girl loved. She sang some sultry country song to get the 10 guys in the audience to stand and not much else. It was dull for me but a good country performance. The country guy at the judges' table though was not as impressed. Mr. Kidman thought the song got on top of her and got booed. Keith, not the song. Jaws wondered how Rachel went from being shy to confident all of a sudden. No, it wasn't PEDs, apparently it was prayer that did it, or so she claimed. Sole Survivor dropped 3 YOs because he was happy that she didn't sing a ballad, and then concurred with Rachel that "prayer works."

Breanna Steer was tonight's new sob story along with Melinda's. Her family's house in Louisiana was damaged by Hurricane Isaac this past summer. Breanna wore a nice one piece outfit that was as tight as Aubrey's dress but without the high hem lines. She sang a ballad with a Latin arrangement that was about busting out the windows of some guy's car. Mr. Kidman had flashbacks to a past girlfriend but still liked the vibe. Jaws thought that Breanna was "sexy on a stick" and that her and Aubrey should form a group. I'm OK with that if all they do is wear tight fitting outfits. Sole Survivor gave her 3 YOs, name dropped Mary J. Blige, and praised her for representing Louisiana. Trained Seal asked Breanna'a advice about what to do with about bad boys.

Next was Janelle Arthur, the second country girl of that night who like Melinda and Candace was also cut before the live shows in a previous season. Janelle is the chick from Tennessee who played Dolly Parton in a school play. No, I'm not going there, she was just a kid. Her performance of a bland Lady Antebellum ballad was, well, bland but OK. Mr. Kidman didn't like the song choice because the melody was so limited. Jaws thought it was flat and disconnected and warned Janelle "not to do that again." Sole Survivor thought that Janelle was her favorite country contestant (much to the dismay of Rachel I'd bet) but he didn't like the song choice either. Glitter Girl repeated what the other judges said and the audience is stone cold silent rather than booing.

Last but certainly not least was the force of nature known as Zoanette Johnson, who sang the National Anthem at her audition in tribute to President Obama, played drums during her solo performance at Hollywood Week, cried throughout Group Night and still managed to make it this far. We learned that Zoanette is originally from Liberia and was hoping to inspire Liberians with her performance. True to her character she chose a Lion King song. I think that was the first time anyone has ever done that. I tried to objectively judge her singing but I just couldn't do it. She sounded too much like The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. She was in tune and on pitch I guess. Everybody but Glitter Girl gave Zoanette a standing ovation. Mr. Kidman declared her the "Queen of the Jungle" because he couldn't predict what she would do next. Jaws thought that Zoanette had "served it" and was brought to tears by her performance. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and then addressed why Zoanette had made it this far. It was her spirit, he claimed. Both Glitter Girl and two-thirds of the Tweeters at home agreed.

There were no split decisions tonight so Andy Cap got to chill in the audience with Spike Lee. Zoanette was first to learn her fate, and after Sole Survivor rambled on for about 10 minutes he shocked Zoanette and millions of viewers by telling her that she was through to the next round. The rest of the eliminations went pretty smoothly. The country chicks were saved to the end, when Rachel and sent home and Janelle was sent on.

Things We Learned Tonight: Sole Survivor is obsessed with everyone, thinks that prayer works and that last season was a different time in our lives. Glitter Girl talks to angels and doesn't care if contestants have fits on pianos. Mr. Kidman once had a girlfriend that could have busted out his car windows. Trained Seal is looking for places in the Philippines to hang out and needs help dealing with bad boys. I learned that "boggled" and "croaky" are real words and not something that Jaws and Mr. Kidman made up respectively.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Jett Hermano was the best singer tonight so naturally she got sent home. Aubrey Cleland was the best looker tonight so naturally she got sent through. Zoanette Johnson was the most memorable performer tonight for reasons that had nothing to do with her singing and was also sent through.

The Final Score (Vegas Edition): 8 ballads; 4 short skirts (though only 2 showed skin); 2 tight fitting dresses; 11 YOs from Sole Survivor; 2 name drops from Mr. Kidman, 1 from Sole Survivor, 1 from Trained Seal, and 2 by me; 2 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 1 mention of a former Idol judge; 1 mention of an X-Factor judge; 2 new sob stories; and 3 rejects from past seasons. Zoanette, Aubrey, Candace, Breanna, and Janelle were sent through. Melinda, Juliana, Cristabel, Jett, and Rachel were sent home. Interestingly the two chicks who claimed God told them how to perform their songs (Cristabel and Rachel) were both sent home. The Lord works in mysterious ways...

Forget Singing, Let’s Just All Perform

Last night it was the first 10 chicks. Tonight’s it’s the first 10 dudes, though it was hard to use that description for all these guys. Trained Seal seemed a little extra pumped up during his intro while pumping up the crowd of 1,500 cougars. His voice was a little pitchy.

First up was Paul Jolley from a tiny town in Tennessee. This was the guy whose grandpa died just before his audition. Paul had a unique voice that is hard to describe. Perhaps it would be easier for me to describe it if he hadn’t picked such a bland song. Oops, my bad, it was one of Mr. Kidman’s songs. Keith was honored so I guess it was OK. Jaws thought he sounded stressed but complimented his theatrical eyes. That was perhaps Nicki’s tamest comment tonight. Sole Survivor gave him 3 YOs, name dropped Carrie Underwood and some guy named Gary (still counts though), and applauded the possibilities. Glitter Girl agreed with Randy but disagreed with “the other people on the panel.”

Next was Johnny Keyser, the eye candy who was dropped during last season’s Vegas shows. He claimed to have learned a lot from that and promised some blue eyed soul, so of course he sang a dull ballad in some strange blue eyed key. Mr. Kidman said it was good and effortless but looked strained while saying it. Jaws still wondered if Johnny had a boyfriend but was not impressed by his voice. Sole Survivor thought it was “kind of OK” and got booed by the cougars who so badly want to see Johnny boy in the voting rounds so that they could vote him the winner. Glitter Girl praised Johnny for “bringing the masculinity.” Trained Seal continued the theme by declaring that he was glad that “there’s finally some masculinity on this stage.” Oh there are so many places you can go with that comment…

As if it was destiny, right after the discussion on masculinity on stage there was Jda, the dude who dresses in drag and high heels. It looked like he forgot to shave before the show though. There’s only so much the make-up artists can, well, make up. Jda delighted the crowd by singing Adele’s “Rumor Has It” rather than some sappy ballad, then whipped them into a frenzy by groping on stage during the bridge and tossing off his/her jacket for the big finale. He/She actually sang that song pretty well. I suspect Adele would be quite amused. Too bad Jda has no shot of winning this competition. The judges weren’t quite sure what to make of Jda. Mr. Kidman thought the performance was right at home in Vegas but that he/she seemed more concerned about his/her performance than with the singing. You would think Jaws would be falling all over this performance but instead she said that it sounded like a “phone vocal,” whatever that means. But hey, she’s just keeping it real. Sole Survivor dropped an inadvertent YO and then claimed that it wasn’t original. Nicki was not pleased and started to argue with Randy about it. Oh how I wished for the days when Captain Jack and Drunk Chick would have these types of arguments while Randy just sat there and drank his Coke. Glitter Girl thought the whole thing was bizarre but admitted that she liked the vocal. Trained Seal name dropped Adam Lambert just because he could.

After that fun and games we went back to the sappy ballads with Kevin Harris, who was nicknamed ‘Butter” during his audition by Sole Survivor after Jaws used that term to describe his voice. It just occurred to me that the producers haven’t been pimping Nicki’s nicknames recently, even though there is a Twitter handle for them. Kevin chose the same sappy Bryan Adams song from that same sappy movie that at least one contestant chooses to sing every… single… season, and like most of the other times it’s been sung Kevin’s pitch was all over the place. Mr. Kidman loved Kevin’s crazy range but wasn’t too crazy with the embellishing runs he sang at the end, even though they weren’t that different from all the thousands of other Idol performers who have done the same thing, and not just to Bryan Adams’ songs. Jaws thought everything was perfect, and then was shell shocked when Sole Survivor channeled his inner Captain Jack and completely trashed the performance. He even used the K-word (karaoke for those of you new to this blog), which I never thought I would ever again type in one of these recaps. Perhaps thinking there was no need to banter with the contestant, Trained Seal instead tried to provoke further banter between Nicki and Randy because that’s ratings gold baby! And from what I hear Idol’s ratings need as much help as they can get. It would explain why there were about 50 promos for next week’s shows during tonight’s show, something they never had to do before.

I only remember Chris Watson from the auditions for all the big headbands he has been wearing. Chris chose “Dock of the Bay” because he could relate to the loneliness described in the song having been separated from his family for so long while on this show, but then he sang it Rod Stewart style, circa 1979. He gets points for being energetic, well maybe not since it’s supposed to be a song about loneliness. Well, alright, he gets half a point since he didn’t sing it like a ballad. Jaws thought that Chris was the prettiest man she has ever seen in her life, wanted to marry his vibrato, and was proud to be obsessed him because she heard his pain, soul, and struggle. I didn’t hear any of that. Randy didn’t either and got booed again. Glitter Girl could hear the pain though. It must be a girl thing.

From out of nowhere Devin Valez came next and saved the show by actually singing well. Best vocal performance of the night by far. It was in tune, on pitch, and enunciated well. It might have provoked a goose bump if it hadn’t been a ballad. Devin even threw in a verse in Español, which all the judges thought was amable.  None of their other comments were interesting or enlightening. Sole Survivor did toss out a YO though.

Elijah Liu is half Mexican, half Chinese, and all full of as much ladies’ man bravado that an 18 year old like him could muster. The problem was that his singing voice sounded like an 8 year old. It kind of reminded me of David Archuleta only without the loco stage dad. Mr. Kidman thought the vocal was a little shaky but that Elijah looked like a pop star. Jaws didn’t care about the song and instead talked about how she wanted to have Elijah’s babies and was not just ready now for stardom but was ready NOW. The look on Glitter Girl’s face throughout all this was just priceless. Sole Survivor was too stunned by Nicki’s comments to say much beyond a couple of wows. Glitter Girl liked that Elijah has an ethnic mix and name dropped New Edition.

The shy kid who’s no longer all that shy, Charlie Askew, got the first Coca-Cola Treatment of the season. He told Trained Seal about his preference for vintage clothes, the fashion advice he has been getting from Jda, and that he carries a golf club with him to get used to singing with a mic. It looked like a 6-iron. His rendition of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” looked and sounded really nervous to start, but then suddenly a switch was flipped when Charlie got to the slurring chorus and off he went. Jaws gave it a standing ovation as expected. Mr. Kidman doubted anyone left the room during this performance and wondered if Charlie was the love child of Freddie Mercury and someone from Woodstock. Sole Survivor uttered 4 YOs and didn’t know where he was any more. After he got booed for saying that it was “a bit stage school for me,” Randy finally saw the light and announced that we should “just forget singing; let’s just all perform.” Welcome to the light, Randolph.

Jimmy Smith was another white guy singing another bland country song with a guitar accompaniment. While he was singing I wondered if it was a Keith Urban song, and sure enough it was. Mr. Kidman was honored yet again. Jaws was bored and admitted that she was thinking about something else. Sole Survivor was bored too, the only time all night that he and Nicki agreed on a contestant, but still managed to name drop Robert Plant because Jimmy had curly blond hair. Glitter Girl bragged about how much she has fought for him.

Tonight’s closer was Curtis Finch, Jr., a gospel singer from St. Louis who chose a Luther song. Curtis is a heavier Joshua Ledet, complete with the odd facials and the occasional big note and falsetto. It was a good vocal though, much like Joshua also. Mr. Kidman bowed in respect and felt cleansed of most of his sins. Sole Survivor gave it a YO and thought it was “kinda dope but a little old fashioned.” The audience kinda booed. Glitter Girl couldn’t critique him and was again brought to tears. Jaws was done for the night.

The judges deliberated in a pit and emerged to announce that there was one split decision, which meant it was time for Andy Cap to wake up. When it was Paul’s turn Sole Survivor announced that he was the split decision. Jimmy criticized Paul’s performance but then recommended that he be sent through. So he went to the stools while I wondered which dude just got bumped out by Andy Cap. Judging from Jaws’ reaction I would guess it was Chris, especially since he was the next one sent home.

Things Were Learned Tonight: Mr. Kidman feels honored when contestants butcher his songs and thinks Idol is a “connection competition” rather than a singing competition. Trained Seal and both chick judges are craving masculinity. Jaws is in heat. Sole Survivor finally realized that Idol is not a singing competition. Emma Stone has a raspy voice because she screamed for 6 months straight when she was a baby. Andy Cap not only is still in the Idol cast but also has a speaking role. Johnny Keyser learned that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Devin Valez was muy bueno. Curtis Finch Jr. took us all to the church and reminded us that Joshua Ledet should have won last season instead of that white guy with a guitar. Jda was a fresh change of pace and will be sorely missed.

The Final Score (Vegas edition): 1 skirt; 7 ballads; 10 YOs from Sole Survivor; 1 mention of former Idol winner; 2 mentions of former Idol runners up; 1 mention of a former Idol third place finisher; 3 mentions of former Idol judges; 3 name drops by Sole Survivor, 1 by Glitter Girl, 1 by Mr. Kidman, and 1 by Trained Seal; 1 K-word mention; 1 Coca-Cola Treatment; 1 split decision; and 2 more chair segments. Jimmy, Kevin, Jda, Chris, and Johnny were all sent home. Curtis, Elijah, Paul, Charlie, and Devin joined the other chicks and moved on to the live shows.

Sudden Death, for the First Time Ever

No, I didn’t forget about last week. I had some other cases to adjudicate so I took the week off. Thanks to the magic of modern video technology I was able to view the Hollywood Week chick shows and see who got booted off, who got kept on, and why I hate Group Night so much.

For the “first time ever”, we get a Sudden Death round where the contestants sang in front of a live audience. In his rush to hyper promote the show Trained Seal appeared to forget that all of the performance shows are sudden death rounds in front of a live audience. Tonight’s show was at one of the five billion Cirque du Soleil theaters in Vegas, but unlike last year we probably won’t see one of the judges jump into a pool of water like Jagger Lite did last year.

Trained Seal also told us that these are the “most brutal cuts of the year.” Everybody take their first drink. When Ryan did his usual mindless banter with the judges to start the show he tried to get Glitter Girl to say whether or not she was satisfied with the Top 40. Mariah instead babbled about how she felt attached to certain people who didn’t get through because the other judges didn’t vote for them.

Since the performances were in front of a live studio audience and because Andy Capp was in the house, I’m going to recap this show like a live show. Besides, I could use the practice. I’m a little rusty after taking the last couple years off.

First up was Jenny Beth Willis, a high school junior from Kentucky. I don’t remember her from the auditions and she struggled with finding her pitch. Two words immediately come to mind, “cannon fodder.” She sang some country song that nobody bothered to identify so I won’t bother to either. She enunciated her words well and had a big note at the end, but it didn’t quite work for me. It didn’t quite work for the judges either. Mr. Kidman had mixed feelings, Jaws thought it was dead until the big note, and Sole Survivor thought it was jerky and got booed. Randy should be used to that by now. Glitter Girl thought it was good though.

Next up was Tenna Torres, the chick from Queens who went to Glitter Girl’s summer camp. She sang well in the low register and showed a nice range. Apparently she learned something that summer. It was a good performance that would have been very good if her hand movements weren’t so distracting. Mr. Kidman name dropped somebody. Jaws was scared of her. Sole Survivor dropped his first YO of the season, at least the first one that I caught. The YO count is ON! On a related note, we learned that Randy’s Twitter handle is @Yo_RandyJackson. That’s what I would have guessed. Trained Seal got Tenna to admit that she told her boyfriend to stay away so that she could feel the sadness of the song.

The third contestant was 17 year old Adriana Lotonio from Alaska. Apparently she is the first contestant from Alaska to make it this far. She’s not the first Pinay though, which Jaws felt the need to point out after the performance. I don’t remember her from the auditions either, but she had a nice voice, a big smile, and a built in fan base so she’s bound to go far. Sole Survivor gave her 3 YOs. Glitter Girl instructed us that she sang an Aretha song. Since Adriana is only 5 feet tall Trained Seal was happy to have a contestant that he could look into the eyes of.

Between performances Trained Seal pimped a new AT&T contest where you, yes you, can win 2 free tickets to an Idol taping and sit in special seats, maybe even next to Andy Capp. Unlike past AT&T Idol contests no one has to write a crappy song to win.

Brandy Hotard promised sass but then sang a bland ballad just like all the other contestants. The only thing I remember about her was that she was from Port Allen, Louisiana, a town that I have actually been to. Not only was her ballad bland but it was pitchy too. She has nice legs though. Indeed 9 out of the 10 singers wore short skirts or dresses tonight, no doubt encouraged by Nigel and the other producers who are so desperate to have a chick winner that they will resort to exposing lots of skin to get the dudes at home to start voting again. It won’t help Brandy though. Mr. Kidman delicately pointed out her “emotional connection inconsistency” because she looked happy when she sang a sad song. Jaws felt the same but was more direct, criticizing her “pageant delivery.” Both Nicki and Trained Seal were concerned that Mr. Kidman was in Jaws’ mind.

Shubha Vedula won $35,000 for her school in some singing contest, but because she competed as an amateur she wasn’t allowed to keep any of her earnings. I only remember her from the auditions because of her musical name. Her performance was mildly entertaining only because part of it was not a ballad. She sang a Lady Gaga number so I wondered if Jaws would be extra colorful in her critique and I was not disappointed. Nicki prodded the audience to boo her as well as any pro wrestling heel would, and then told Shubha that she sounded like a cross between Christina Aguilera and “that gangnam style guy.” Mr. Kidman was just as critical but skillfully worked the crowd by saying that she was confusing (boo) but still had a lovely voice (yeah). Both Sole Survivor and Glitter Girl tried to apologize for Shubha by saying that she’s just 17. Well, Adriana is just 17 and she didn’t need to be apologized for. Randy dropped a YO just for good measure.

Kamaira Ousley showed all the sass that Brandy promised and not much else. Like Brandy I only remember her because she is from a city that I’ve been to, Oakland. She spent the whole song searching for the pitch, and then just settled for a big note at the end. Mr. Kidman tried to excuse it by claiming that her song choice was the problem. I’m surprised no one tried to claim that she was sick. Jaws discovered that she didn’t like Kamaira’s voice, while Sole Survivor re-discovered another of his favorite words besides YO, “pitchy.” Glitter Girl chose not to talk about the pitchiness because she knew that Randy would.

Next was Kree Harrison, the chick whose parents died when she was a kid. She was the only chick who wore clothes that covered up her thighs but that didn’t seem to affect Nicki’s opinion of her. Indeed, Jaws declared that she thought Kree was “sexy”. Kree revealed that she has worked in the country music “industry” in Nashville, raising the antennas of all those plant watchers out there. Kree sang like a plant with a nice voice, though it didn’t blend well with the backup singers. The other judges all thought that Kree was a natural and heaped nothing but praise on her, even though Trained Seal beforehand warned Kree that the judges were being tough on the country singers.

Trained Seal reminded us that both Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson were once contestants on the show, perhaps to take credit for their Grammy awards, or perhaps to remind everyone that chicks used to win this contest.

Angela Miller was the chick who knocked it out of the park with her original song during Hollywood Week, which three of the judges beat over all our heads when critiquing her performance tonight. The only one who didn’t was Mr. Kidman, who ran out of time to say that. This performance was admittedly not as good as her last one. That’s what happens when you peak too soon on this show. Angela kind of looks like former Idol tor-mentor Miley Cyrus before she started posing for Cosmo (on stands now).

Isabelle Pasqualone, who goes by her stage name Isabelle, was the chick who lost all that weight. She along with Kree were the two audition show sob stories to appear tonight. She sang “God Bless the Child”, the only song tonight that I own a copy of, but I can’t say that I recognized it because of the cruise show arrangement that Isabelle decided to use. Randy agreed with my cruise show analogy. Yes, it does happen sometimes. The other three judges chose instead to complement Isabelle for losing the weight.

Tonight’s closer was Amber Holcomb, who was cut during last year’s Vegas shows. She returned this year with a more extraverted look (including perhaps the shortest of the short skirts) and a more extroverted sound to match. It was pitchy in some spots, strong in some others. Mr. Kidman thought it was the best performance of the night. Jaws admired her “legs for days.” Sole Survivor dropped one final YO. Glitter Girl finally said something interesting. She wanted to smack Amber because of how well she sang the song.

Instead of a chair show we get 2 chair segments at the end, as each contestant walked out one at a time to hear their fate from the judges sitting in director’s chairs. The cold stools made their first appearance of the season, only this time they were reserved for the top 5 instead of the bottom 3. No tie breakers were needed so Andy Capp got the rest of the night off. Sole Survivor told one contestant that the judges had some “tense words” during their deliberations. I admire how these guys keep trying to suggest that the judges are at war with each other. Glitter Girl sarcastically told Kree Harrison that she didn’t like her as a singer and actually got some boos. She was just kidding guys. Nigel has got you all trained even more than he does Ryan.

Things Were Learned Tonight: The judges are having some tense words during their deliberations. Sole Survivor has a Twitter handle with YO in the title. Mr. Kidman can read Nicki’s mind, needs more time for adjectives, and has figured out how to keep the audience from booing him by mixing in praises with his criticisms. Glitter Girl can recognize an Aretha song and knows what Randy will say before he says it even though she can’t interpret his critiques. Trained Seal thinks the judges are tough on country singers, likes contestants that are only 5 feet tall, and forgot that the live elimination shows are before a live studio audience. Andy Capp is still part of the Idol cast. The audience is so anxious to boo any criticism that they’ll even boo ones that are a joke. Jaws isn’t afraid to have the audience boo her.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Adriana Lotonio introduced herself to her Filipino fan base in a big way. Tenna Torres sang well while swatting away invisible flies. Kree Harrison sang well enough to earn praise even though she was wearing pants.

The Final Score (Vegas edition): 9 short skirts, 9 ballads, 6 YOs from Sole Survivor, 2 mentions of former Idol winners, 1 mention of a former Idol judge, 1 mention of a former Idol tormentor, 2 Nigel Lythgoe mentions, 1 mention of the “gangnam style guy”, 2 name drops by Jaws and 1 by Mr. Kidman, and 4 chairs & 5 stools during 2 chair segments. Jenny, Brandy, Isabelle, Kamaira, and Shubha were all sent home. Tenna, Kree, Angela, Amber, and Adriana all moved on to the live shows, starting sometime after Easter.

The Kiss of Death in this Competition is to Doubt Yourself

According to Google's stats only 4 people viewed yesterday's post, so far anyway. I must have scared people off by threatening to take this week off.... Yeah, right.

So it's Solo Day for the dudes, the "most important moment of their lives" if Trained Seal is to be believed for the umpteenth million time. Not a day goes by on this show without Ryan claiming it's the most important day/moment/performance/nanosecond of the contestants' lives. You know, this would make for a cool Idol drinking game. Everyone takes a shot whenever Trained Seal says it's the most important whatever in the contestants' lives. Everyone would be so blitzed by the end of the show that they wouldn't be able to vote.

Once again we have another change to the format, as instead of locking the contestants in windowless and chairless conference rooms after their performances the judges announced the contestants' fate right away on the stage. I kind of miss the rooms though, since it was fun to see how the producers would try to mess with the heads of the contestants and the audience by trying to guess who was going home by who was in each room. It was also a challenge to try and guess which judge would bail out of the room tour for some imaginary gig that night.

I hope this doesn't mean that there won't be a chair show...

Last night I joked that the Hollywood shows were being staged in some nondescript theater in the Valley somewhere instead of in Hollywood. Turns out I was right! Hollywood Week was held in a nondescript theater in the Valley, this one. Technically this doesn't count as a Fearless Prediction but I'll take the win anyway. I get the feeling that I'll need it once the live shows start and the texting tweener chicks take over the show.

Jaws was in good form tonight. She first ripped into a guy who sang great but sounded "so defeated" when he talked about how nervous he was before he started to sing. He was still put through. Later she complained that she didn't get a chance to tell the short guy yesterday to stop using his short stature to get sympathy votes from the judges, which drew out eye rolls from both Glitter Girl and Sole Survivor. Funny thing is that Nicki was spot on with that comment. Jaws got really angry with Papa Peachez, who she singlehandedly pushed through to this round even though Papa thought that all the other contestants were puppets. After another lackadaisical performance from Papa Nicki wasn't just disappointed but f***ing disappointed and declared that Papa's flame was dead. Oh the irony. Papa was sent packing after that. Then later when the shy kid sang Jaws declared that she was obsessed with the kid and wanted to eat him. Is this some new thing among the kidz today, to say that they want to eat somebody when they like that person?

Nicki wasn't alone in the criticism though, as the harshest criticism of the night came not from Jaws but from Mr. Kidman, who ripped into a dude who claimed he was chasing his dream. Keith straight up told him that the answer to why someone would go out on the road and rehearse and do all the other things that someone who doesn't look hot needs to do to be a successful singing superstar should never be "chasing a dream." I didn't quite get what Mr. Kidman was going for with that comment but the contestant sure did take it hard. The dude stormed off the set in tears and then after getting cut from the show soon thereafter stormed out of the theater in even more tears.

I am pleased to see that the judges are not holding back on the mean criticism as much as Jagger Lite and J-Lo did. It makes it more fun for me. The real test though will be whether or not they'll be able to make harsh comments while being loudly booed and hissed at by the live audience that goes after anyone, even Trained Seal, who dares utter a word that is even remotely negative or critical.

Finally there was one dude who claimed that the highlight of his Idol experience was getting a standing ovation from Sole Survivor. He must have been really honored then to hear Randy say "no, no, no" at the start of his performance (when he was trying to actually sing the song), then "yes, yes, yes" when he gave up the singing and just belted out some big notes. He was put through to the next round along with the Turbinator and 26 other dudes.

Things We Learned Tonight: Mr. Kidman wants to hear something special, has never had so many questions in his life, and can bring a man to tears with just a comment. Jaws is turned off by dudes that are nervous, has a nasty potty mouth, is no fan of pity parties, and now has two contestants that she wants to eat. And there is at least one guy who respects Sole Survivor. Glitter Girl has been playing things really close to the vest during the Hollywood shows. We'll see how long that lasts when the chicks try to sing one of her songs or when Jaws claims she is being disrespected again.

Sob Stories of the Night: Again, nothing new. Tonsillectomy guy and the short dude who isn't a midget were sent home, but the stutterer and the shy kid (who's suddenly not all that shy) were both put through. I guess we'll find out later about the others. There was still no sign of the guy who faked the IED impotence story at his audition.

The Final Score: 15 more cuts, leaving 28 dudes still on the show and 8 that'll get cut after the chicks' performances. Read into that what you will conspiracy theorists. 2 mentions of former Idol judges, 1 disappearing sob story, 4 dudes who got the chastising of their lives on the most important moment in their lives, 1 preseason victory for yours truly, and no performances with guitars. There's another thing for you conspiracy minded folks to consider. Me, I'm going to bed.

You Better Sing Like Your Life Depends On It

With all the drama, dread, and intensity that Trained Seal could muster in his 60 second intro, we begin Hollywood Week and the "pursuit of the most sought after title in television history."  Though apparently the title of "Your Next American Idol" is not as prestigious as it used to be, as Hollywood Week this year was not at the Nokia Theater or the Pantages Theater or the Theater Formally Known as Kodak Theater where almost all of the past Hollywood week boot camps have been held. Instead it was in some nondescript church theater in the Valley somewhere. It looks about the size as the theater that my high school senior musical was performed in. Oh how the mighty have fallen. So instead of at the judge's mansion will this year's chair show be in the judge's garage?

Although... I'd be willing to bet that Glitter Girl's garage is much nicer than Sole Survivor's mansion.

This year along with the new judges there was a host of new changes to Hollywood Week, as announced by our favorite producer Nigel Lythgoe. First is that Nigel has made two on camera appearances in as many weeks when before he only emerged from the shadows on that goofy dance show that takes Idol's time slot in the summer. Another change is that the dudes and the chicks will have separate Hollywood Weeks through at least the top 40 and maybe (rumor has it) all the way to the live shows. Yes, I know what you're thinking; the producers are really desperate to have a chick win this year, and it means that there will be two "notorious" Group Nights instead of just one.

Nigel and company even changed Group Night by picking the groups rather than allowing the contestants to build up the drama by picking their groups themselves. So naturally the producers tried to manufacture drama by pairing up the gay guys with the country guys, putting all of the kids into one group, and sprinkling out all of the sob stories so we could hear about them all over again. One such group involved a guy who was in drag and an Army sergeant, who was so thrown off that he messed up his lines and was sent home.

The sergeant was only one of the few contestants though who forgot his lines and was dismissed. Most of the others advanced to the next round despite (or in a few cases because of) their humming. Do any of you remember that back when Captain Jack was in charge everyone who forgot their lyrics was summarily dismissed?

Among those who hummed along but stayed on the show was the guy from New York with the turban and his group, who so butchered a Maroon 5 song that Mr. Kidman thought Adam Levine was turning over in his grave even though he was still alive. Then when Sole Survivor declared the whole thing to be a train wreck who should jump in but little Miss Minaj, who couldn't believe Randy was saying all of these mean things about her "favorite group." She was convinced that they could all be stars because they still worked the crowd (all 50 of them) when they forgot their lyrics, "just like I do." I've never seen Jaws perform live so I'll have to trust the fact that she can still work the crowd when she forgets the lyrics to her own songs.

Earlier in the show there was a little manufactured chick tension when Jaws interrupted one of Glitter Girl's critiques to make sure that the contestant knew just how disgusted she (Jaws) was by the way this dude sang a Whitney song. He got put through anyway. Jaws almost gave another contestant a heart attack by telling him he was done and then telling him he was through, all because he had told her that he was tired.

Seriously, the press and Trained Seal love to play up a feud between Jaws and Glitter Girl, but really Nicki's arguments have been with Sole Survivor more so than anyone else including Mariah. Perhaps Nigel thinks they can sell more Cokes and Fords if they can get Nicki to fight with Mariah rather than with Randy.

Things We Learned Tonight: Not much really. A contestant can forget his lyrics and still move on to the next round. Mr. Kidman heard "I'll Be There" while growing up in Australia even though 1 group who tried to sing it hadn't heard the song before. Keith also is in favor of "more mass slaughtering" and thinks "wrongest" is a word, that is after he checked with Jaws first. Jaws can also see greatness in dudes who forget their lyrics and likes to jack around with guys who are tired. Sole Survivor still gets no respect.

Sob Stories of the Night: No new ones to report. Those that were put through include the guy with nerve damage from his tonsillectomy, the stutterer from Chicago, the shy kid from Baton Rouge that Glitter Girl could relate to, and the short guy from Long Beach who is not a dwarf. Those who were sent packing included the guy whose wife had cancer, the guy whose parents are deaf, and the kid with cystic fibrosis. No word on what happened to former homeless guy from Charlotte. I think the guy who lost his home to Hurricane Katrina made it through, but I didn't bother to cross check any names. The dude who claimed he was injured in Iraq from an IED and was impotent from the post-op drugs was nowhere to be found, perhaps because it was discovered later that he made up the whole story. Really, what some people will do to win the most sought after prize in television history.

The Final Score (Hollywood Week Version): 43 Group Night survivors; 1 mention of a former Idol judge; 1 mention of a judge from The Voice; Honduras 2, USA 1; Mexico 0, Jamaica 0 (take your pick on which one is more shocking); another argument between Jaws and Sole Survivor; another Nigel Lythgoe sighting, and lots and lots of manufactured drama. It was Group Night after all.

And here I thought I would have nothing to write...

When You Want a Diva Baby You Gotta Pay the Price

Google is claiming that this little web site has had over 10,000 page views in its entire history. A few of them were even real people instead of just bots. At least they seem like real people. It's not like I'm Manti Te'o or anything. That poor kid is going to be known for his fake girlfriend for the rest of his life.

OK, back to business, today's case is A Tale of Two Cities, San Antonio, Texas and Long Beach, California, whose auditions were featured on Wednesday night. Somehow Trained Seal managed to avoid name dropping Kelly Clarkson like he has every other time there has been a Texas audition. He made up for it by making a bunch of boat jokes during the Long Beach audition on board the Queen Mary.

The first contestant in San Antonio was a returning contestant who was cut at the end of Hollywood week last year but who Sole Survivor didn't remember until the contestant made a joke about how long Randy was sipping from his glass of Coke when deciding on his fate. Sole Survivor then pretended to remember and then enlightened us by claiming that "Coca Colas are good." When it comes to plugging the product Sole Survivor is a true pro, almost but not quite as good as Trained Seal, who was shown pulling up to the auditions in a white Ford vehicle.

Apparently Sole Survivor also forgot that one of last year's auditions was on an aircraft carrier, as while the fire alarm was going off on the Queen Mary Randy questioned whose idea it was to have the auditions on a boat. The fire alarm did lead to a rare Nigel Lythgoe sighting, as his back was seen telling Glitter Girl that she had to evacuate the room along with everybody else.

Both chicks were fashionably late to the Queen Mary auditions. Jaws was allegedly at the rehearsals for the AMAs, while Glitter Girl was stuck in traffic. Mariah arrived claiming that this kind of traffic doesn't happen in Manhattan. Perhaps she was referring to Manhattan, Kansas rather than NYC. I too get the them confused. Rather than being apologetic for stranding the dudes by themselves for a while Glitter Girl told them that "when you want a diva baby you gotta pay the price." Amen, darling, too bad Jaws wasn't there to demand that she get paid more than you.

The producers have cut back on showing the psychos during these auditions compared to previous seasons, but we had two nice and juicy ones tonight. Well, 3 actually. In San Antonio there were two brothers who were lousy but couldn't accept that truth when the judges told them no. Glitter Girl tried to make a technical argument about their singing but gave up after the dudes kept saying how mean she was being. Meanwhile Sole Survivor was trying to argue that the judges were trying to save these guys' lives by telling them no. In Long Beach there was a 16 year old girl with blue hair who acted all innocent until the start of her audition when she started screaming, jumping around the stage, and eventually running out the door shouting "you only live once." Her parents must have been proud. I wonder what this girl will think 20 years from now when she tells her blue haired children about her time on American Idol. The judges made jokes at this girl's expense after she left. Mr. Kidman got a shot in on Jaws since she was not there, saying "Nicki would have sent her to Hollywood."

Jaws did in fact beg and plead to put through Papa Peachez (yes that is his name), a quirky and lanky white boy who claimed he had a black woman trapped inside of him. Mr. Kidman said no, Glitter Girl gave a little yes (so much for the feud between the chicks), and Sole Survivor was initially a no but changed his mind after Jaws argued with him for 5 minutes.

This week's Sole Survivor field trip (sponsored by Ford I assume) was to the University of Arkansas to give a audition bib to a student there who was nominated online by her husband. The ceremony was in the university's football stadium with the stands only half full, which is unusual for an SEC school. Idol may still be popular in the South but it's still a distant second to football. The student got a Hollywood ticket even though it meant she and her husband would be separated for some time.

Mr. Kidman kept up his name dropping over/under by mentioning both Gavin DeGraw and Wynonna Judd. Hey, I heard that Ashley Judd is available again now that she's broken up with that "loser" Dario Franchetti. If you're reading this Ashley you know where to find me. I don't drive a fast car and I hate Kentucky basketball, but I'm sure we can still work something out.

Things We Learned Tonight: The age limit was raised from 27 to 29, given 2 more chances to rejects from past seasons. Jaws is a closet romantic and can be made speechless. Glitter Girl had nerve damage in her arm, has a little bit of soul in her, and digs Arkansas accents. The two chicks can actually sit next to each other and play nice. Mr. Kidman likes the "nickiname" "Urban". Sole Survivor is the captain of his ship, can get indigestion from hearing people sing, and thinks "Coca-Colas are good." Trained Seal found joy in the music sung on the streets of San Antonio and can see fake dead people.

Tonight's Sob Stories: From San Antonio, a single mom who was unemployed and had her baby at age 19. From Long Beach came two tales from veterans with sad stories about the medical profession. One was a Iraq War veteran who suffered a severe concussion from a IED attack and was told by his doctors that the drugs he needed to take for that would make him sterile, that is until his daughter was born. Another was a sailor who had a speech impediment because his doctor damaged nerves while removing the guy's tonsils. The impediment magically disappeared when he started singing though.

Long Beach also produced two stories of bullying, a 16 year old female student who was bullied in school after she sang on Maury Povich's show 4 years ago, and a 21 year old guy who was not quite a midget but still short and disproportionate. All 5 were sent to Hollywood. Sole Survivor also promised to come to the 16 year old's school and "regulate" her bullies.

The Final Score (audition edition): 49 tickets to Hollywood from Long Beach (Trained Seal didn't bother to say how many from San Antonio); 5 sob stories; 3 psychos; Sharks 3, Oilers 2 (correction from last night); 2 name drops from Mr. Kidman; 1 mention of a former Idol winner; 1 excerpt from a Glitter Girl song ("Make It Happen"); 1 shot across the bow from Mr. Kidman about Jaws, 0 cat fights between the chicks; 2 late divas; 1 Nigel Lythgoe sighting; 1 mention of a race car driver and his now ex-wife; 1 mention of a football player and his now fake girlfriend; 1 reference to a Dickens novel; and some more stupid skits forced on us by Trained Seal and the Idol producers.

Next week is Hollywood Week, which I traditionally take off since it's mostly about the contestants and less about the judges, and I feel more comfortable making fun of the judges than I do the contestants. Plus I hate Group Night and hope that my silence will convince Nigel and the other producers to stop doing that. Yeah right. If I see something interesting I'll post it here. If not then I'll be back for the infamous chair show and the live shows when the full recaps begin and my full nights of sleep end. Goodnight all!