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In light of today's events I could use some cheering up. So for my benefit, and perhaps yours, here's a mildly entertaining, somewhat humorous, and semi-intelligent handicap of the 5 chicks remaining in the competition.

Unlike Trained Seal's method of announcing the results, this is in a particular order. I'll leave to you to guess how...

Janelle Arthur: I feel sorry for Janelle, I really do. She is a sweet kid who is trying really, really hard to sing well, unlike Lazaro who didn't seem to give a s*#t once he realized he was getting by on his looks. The problem with Janelle is not her looks, it's that she doesn't have the voice to compete with the other chicks, not to mention a few of the dudes that Nigel chased off the show. She couldn't have picked a better song for her than the Garth Brooks song that she sang last week and she couldn't have sang it any better than she did, but it still came up short. I admire her effort and determination, though. Too bad she doesn't have a sob story that she could milk.

My advice to Janelle: Go old school country, like Dolly Parton, Loretta Lynn, Patsy Kline, and alike. Your voice is built for those types of songs like no one else's, including Kree, so that's what you should be singing. Avoid Shania Twain, Faith Hill, and other country pop songs like the plague because that's Kree's yard and you will just look bad trying to live there no matter how well you sing those songs. At this point that's about the only chance you have of winning, unless you can find a sob story.

Amber Holcomb: The judges keep crying every week wondering why America doesn't "get" Amber. Even Andy Cap does this, which surprises me because he's (usually) the most honest of the judges in his critiques. Honestly, in their efforts to try and pimp her the judges are doing Amber a disservice by not being honest with her about why she doesn't have a lot of support. She's boring and predictable, she sings the same types of songs every week, and she is playing it safe. Yes, she sings them well and looks great, but so have about 2-dozen other Idol contestants over the years who all try to sound like Beyoncé like she does. It seems like Amber asks her handlers how Beyoncé would sing the song and then that's how she sings it.

My advice to Amber: Do what Candace did, pick a song that no one would expect you to sing and sing it in a way that no one would expect you to sing it. Forget about Beyoncé, and don't even think about doing a Whitney song until the finale. Try something different, like a U2 song or something. I know, you should sing "One". It's different for you but it's a ballad so you should still be able to sing it. Take a chance and see what happens. At this point you have nothing to lose except getting eliminated before Janelle.

Angie Miller: Ah, yes, our little drama queen, who doesn't sing her songs as much as she performs them. The judges, in particular Mr. Kidman, have been dancing around the passion issue, or lack thereof, with Angie but no one in public has been telling her that she's coming across as phony because of how she keeps playing to the camera as if she were on a reality TV show. Oh, wait... well you know what I mean. Yes, she has a strong voice and apparently has some songwriting skills, but that will only get you so far if the cougars stop buying your acting.

My advice to Angie: Stop staring down the camera. Look around while you're singing. Look at the audience, the band, the judges, Trained Seal, anyone but the camera. The audience might actually think you're being sincere if you weren't trying so hard to act like you are. It's OK to pick dramatic songs like the Evanescence number you did two weeks ago, though I'm beginning to think the reason why you sang that song so well was because you were too busy trying to keep your blouse from blowing off to pay attention to anything else. You might considering giving the fan guy a little something extra on the side to do that again.

Candace Glover: I must admit that Candace is my personal favorite. She is the best singer in the competition hands down, and she's shy and slightly overweight and I can identify with both of those. So I've been sad to see her so disregarded by the judges and the audience. She's the one that I've been crying about not getting enough attention rather than Amber. I think her problem is that while she connects to the songs she hasn't been connecting to the audience. She's been the exact opposite of Angie and as a result her personality hasn't shown through. That is, until "Love Song". Perhaps she was motivated by the fact that she was only in Glitter Girl's Top 3 two weeks ago and felt the need to change her strategy. Perhaps she was the one who was inspired by Burnell's departure rather than Amber. Whatever it was it sure as hell worked.

My advice to Candace: Do what you did last week, pure and simple. Stay focused on whatever it was that inspired you to sing a Cure song as a torch ballad and you'll make it to the finale and not have to sing the group numbers with the losers. Last week you got the audience to cheer for you and got Jaws to stop trying to find ways to criticize you, and you can't ask for more than that.

Kree Harrison: If I were a bookmaker then my odds would be lowest for Kree. She is the front runner right now and has been since Simon Cowell was a judge, or so it seems. She had been in danger of drifting into the same predictable zone that Amber finds herself trapped in but she maneuvered clear of that last week by not trying to turn that sappy song "What The World Needs Now" into a country pop song. I think it's also helped that she has avoided singing glory notes like everybody else; it's stood her out in a positive way.

My advice to Kree: Your spot in the finale is pretty much set as long as you don't pull a Lazaro and forget the lyrics and/or act like a spoiled brat. I'd like to suggest though that you mix up the song arrangements a bit. It's OK to keep doing the Shania Twain, Faith Hill arrangements most of the time but it might help you to venture out just a little bit. Just do my a favor and not sing any glory notes when you do venture out. And wear more dresses and less slacks.