I Am...I Cried

After teasing us with elimination for weeks Brooke White was finally shown the door tonight. Much like the last few eliminations, I didn't get the prediction right but I wasn't surprised to see her go. As I mentioned last night she was really getting on my nerves. I got the sense that Snow White herself knew that she was doomed when she forgot the words of the annoying Idol medley.

By process of elimination Syesha Mercado now becomes one of the favorites to win. She too flirts with elimination every week but she is still standing when all of the other chicks have been booted off. Barring some kind of an Elliott Yamin like miracle it's all but certain that Jason Castro will be voted off next week, leaving Syesha to fight it out with the 2 Davids. Then we shall see if it really is a singing competition or if once again the elimination depends on demographics.

If you caught last night's show, or read my potentially award winning recap, you know about the surreal moment surrounding Paula Abdul commenting on Jason Castro's second song before he actually sang it. Rumors have flown across the Internet as to why Drunk Chick did this. TMZ reported that Drunk Chick had a martini before the show, a charge denied by her publicist. Other rumors claimed that Paula was on pain killers. Then there are the charges, led by Vote for the Worst.com and Entertainment Weekly's Popwatch Blog, that Drunk Chick's actions exposed how the show is rigged. Was Paula using her notes from dress rehearsal? Or was she reading from a critique written before the show by the producers? Paula herself appeared on Trained Seal's radio show to offer up her own explanation (which you can listen to here), but it is almost as surreal as her comments last night. It was nice for Ryan to defend Paula from all the "Internet rumors" on tonight's show, but still something doesn't smell right about this.

Another confusing moment occurred tonight when Wonder Boy acted surprised that Ryan told him he was safe. Why David would think that he was anywhere close to the Bottom 2 is another mystery we will likely never get resolved.

Constantine Maroulis appeared on the results show yet again, proving to me that this dude must have been bitten by a vampire or something. Apparently he is now one of the hosts of an associated Idol show on the Fox Reality Channel. Since I have that channel blocked from my DVR on-screen guide I was not aware that there was a Idol related show on the Fox Reality Channel. I was barely aware that there was a Fox Reality Channel. I don't think I'll bother recapping it. Rehashing American Idol is time consuming enough.

We also learned tonight that Randy used to be a model; that Simon and Neil Diamond have a "history"; that Simon's first kiss was when he was 9 years old and that she is alive and well and living in Petaluma, California; that Syesha is having a hard time selecting songs (I figured she just asked herself "what would Whitney do?"); that Natasha Beddingfield is willing to be Wonder Boy's prom date; that "we know more about these contestants than any other season" according to Ryan; and that Rocker Dude considers Paula's comment about him being "the American Idol" to be the kiss of death. He must have seen the dress rehearsal.

Next week it's "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" week, which all but seals Quiet Man's fate. But like Drunk Chick I've been known to be wrong before.

Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show

The death march to the Nokia finale trudges further onward. This season has really become a marathon, not just for the contestants but for the audience too. So much so that the ratings are down for this season. Indeed, according to one report, Idol producers are polling various folks to see if there is anything that can make the show better. Since they haven’t called me yet I thought I would use this forum to offer a few suggestions.

1. Pull back the curtain. Let’s see the vote totals. Why keep them a secret? I cannot be the only one who suspects that the producers are manipulating the results, and if this is true then Idol is truly doomed. If they release the vote totals the producers can at least give the appearance that the results are legit.

2. Reduce the results show back to a half hour. Those phone-in segments, the Idol medleys, and all that other crap is one big turn-off. Announce the results, allow the mentor to sing, have some witty banter between Trained Seal and the judges, and we're done.

3. Ban the pros. One of the appeals of the show has been the discovery of undiscovered talent. That all went away when the producers pushed the pros on us. The producers wanted to show more of the contestants’ personality, only for us to discover that this group of pros has no personality. They would have been better off featuring the mentors again like they did last year.

I missed the opening because I was watching another show with more interesting personalities. I doubt I missed much.

Ryan thought that “we are still reeling” from Carly’s elimination. Others would prefer to use the word “reveling.” Randy sported a freshly grown playoff beard. Syesha sported a new hairstyle. Ryan actually mentioned that “model of longevity” Neil Diamond wrote “I’m A Believer” and starred in the crappy remake of “The Jazz Singer”. Each performer sang two songs tonight. To try and cram 10 songs into one hour the judges were not allowed to say anything until after the second song, depriving me of most of my source material. Thankfully, though, Paula bailed me out with a classic moment, even for her, after the first round of performances.

Jason Castro, “Forever in Blue Jeans”: Jason confused the words between his two songs during his time with The Neil. I guess what they say about how pot kills brain cells is true after all. After drifting into uncharted waters the last couple of weeks Quiet Man went back to the pleasant little ditties that got him this far, along with the dreads and the blue eyes. He was still pitchy in spots, but he appeared much more comfortable than he has been in some time. It was adequate though nothing special. Even though the judges are not allowed to say anything the director still gave us a camera shot of the infamous trio. Simon looks like he’s sleeping. Hopefully Ryan will remember to wake him up after the second song.

David Cook, “I’m Alive”: Rocker Dude was Coca-Cola Interview #1 tonight. Ryan asked David how he prepared for this week. Instead of exposing himself as a copy-cat yet again Rocker Dude quickly returned the question back to Trained Seal. Ryan responded by going off on a rambling talk about singing with a brush microphone and riding on the back of a station wagon with seats facing the rear. The first car I ever owned was one of those wagons (ah yes, the Malibu Mauler) but because the radio only got AM stations I never sang a Neil Diamond song while driving it. David never did answer Ryan’s question. Neil pointed out that Rocker Dude picked two songs that few people have heard of. For song number one Rocker Dude brought back his guitar. I wonder if he has a name for it like I did for my first car. Actually, I think I have heard this song before. David dug down with the gravel voice tonight, like The Neil used to do when he played at The Greek back in the day, and actually managed to make it through for only a minimal amount of shouting. It was alright, though to me it sounded like Rocker Dude sang the whole song in just one chord.

Brooke White, “I’m A Believer” (with a guitar): Brooke wanted to know if The Neil was hugger or a hand shaker before she got close. Neil revealed that he swings both ways in that regard. Remember how last week I wondered if anyone would choose 3 of Neil's goofiest songs? Much to my delight Snow White chose 2 of the 3. Brooke began the song in a happy, cheery mood but she sang this Monkee number in a really odd key. Snow White’s smile faded by the second verse, replaced with the deer in the headlights look that she has perfected this season. She perhaps realized what she just got herself into. This ain't no charity show, girl, and you ain't no D-list celebrity, at least not yet. It was uncomfortable, though not as much as her performance last week was. The happy smile returned at the end of the song, perhaps because Brooke knew that the judges could not say anything until after the second number.

A member of the audience has a dad with a man crush on Ryan. I wonder if it is Wonder Boy’s sister.

David Archuleta, “Sweet Caroline”: Aw shucks, Neil considers David to be a prodigy. Wonder Boy dug out the prison T-shirt that he wore the first week when he forgot the words to a Beatles song. I've already forgotten which Beatles song he butchered. So it seems have the tweeners in the Peanut Gallery, who screeched whenever Wonder Boy sang a lyric about touching people. Like how would they know about that? Hell, how would David know about that? It was usual Wonder Boy material, nice enough to win Idol but unlikely to sell any records. He was in tune, stayed away from the low notes, and kept his eyes open most of the time.

Syesha Mercado, “Hello Again”: I thought for sure Yes In Her Name would choose the song Neil did with Barbra Streisand but she apparently decided to go with a different power ballad. It started out slow and I’m ready to search for an energy drink to keep me awake. Then, as is her custom, Syesha broke out some big notes at the chorus to wake everyone up and remind us that she is still in this competition. I don’t know, it was alright. I can’t find anything to criticize but it didn't wow me either. In other words a pretty typical Syesha performance.

Ryan pushed the judges for a quick opinion on Round 1. Randy thought Quiet Man was okay; Rocker Dude was “in the zone”; Snow White was “better than last week but still a little karaoke,” drawing a smirk from Brooke; Wonder Boy was “the bomb”, and Yes In Her Name was strong but not amazing. Paula was in a panic because she did not have time to ramble on until she finally decides what to say. Drunk Chick then commented on both of the songs that Jason sang, how she loved the first but felt empty about the second, until Randy delicately pointed out that Jason only sang one song. Paula went into shock; she seriously thought that Quiet Man sang two songs. For her sake I sure hope that she really was drunk and not just being herself. While Randy and Simon push Drunk Chick to name her favorite Paula told Rocker Dude that she was reading her notes about him and not Jason. So was it Rocker Dude who sang two songs then? Paula thought that David was fantastic, but was she talking about the first song or the second? Was she talking about Rocker Dude or Wonder Boy? Sadly we will never know the answer to either question because it was Captain Jack’s turn to speak. Jason was “forgettable;” David was “just above average;” Brooke was “a nightmare” to the disagreement of both Brooke and Paula, which was funny since Brooke usually likes to hear criticism and Paula as far as we know never did hear Brooke sing. To complete Simon’s cliché fest he declared that David was “amateurish” and Syesha was “old fashioned.” Simon would have likely used the word “karaoke” had not The Dawg beat him to it first.

Jason Castro, “September Morn”: I had my doubts about this song choice and Quiet Man quickly confirmed those fears. The Peanut Gallery immediately started waving their hands to a song with a very slow beat. Now that is amateurish. The first part of the song was alright since it was slow and light. The second half, which required a big vocal, was close to a train wreck. Randy was not impressed by the vocals. Paula thought he “took the same liberty with both songs now.” Wouldn't that be three songs? Drunk Chick has got me all confused now. Simon no longer recognizes Quiet Man. He’s the dude with the dreads man. Haven’t you been watching?

David Cook, “All I Really Need Is You”: Rocker Dude came back with the guitar for this song too, only this time it was unplugged. Unlike his first number I did not recognize this song. The band joined in with the second verse and it became a battle between the band and David to see who was louder. It wasn't Rocker Dude’s fault; the mix engineer probably set the balance for Quiet Man and then left to smoke a joint. I thought David sang it very well, the best performance of the night. It was definitely to his advantage to choose a song no one had heard before so then no one could compare Rocker Dude to anyone famous. Paula thought she was already looking at The American Idol, and David shows the false humility that Chris Daughtry showed when Paula said that to him two years ago. Simon actually liked this performance, the first one tonight I think.

Brooke White, “I Am, I Said” (with a piano): Even though the clock was getting close to 9 PM there was still time for the second Coca-Cola interview, once again demonstrating the Golden Rule, whoever has the gold makes the rules, Chef Ramsey be damned. To make sure there was no repeat of last week’s uncomfortable start Snow White wrote some of the lyrics on her hand. How she was able to read her hand while she was playing the piano is still a mystery to me. Brooke started out rushing the song as if she was in hurry to get it over with. Neil encouraged Brooke to substitute Arizona for New York in one of the lyrics, since that where Snow White was born and raised, to make the song more personal and less karaoke, but she neglected to change the lyric about “two shores.” Well, I guess the edge of the Colorado River technically counts as a shore. After being in such a hurry to get to the big voice chorus she again failed to belt it out. In no time flat the song was over and I honestly cannot remember anything about it except the two shore thing. Randy and Paula loved her vulnerability. Simon liked this song only because Brooke’s other one was so bad.

David Archuleta, “America”: Neil told us that David was uncertain how to end “America”, perhaps because it’s a song that people outside of his immediate family have actually heard of. I've noticed that Wonder Boy makes some odd faces when he sings. He is doing that again here and he is back closing his eyes again. As usual David was on point and pitch but it sounded rather cruise ship like to me. I think it was the song choice more than anything else. Randy of course loved it. The Dawg should make it official and just adopt this kid. Wonder Boy would probably love to get away from his Stage Dad and be an actual kid for once. Paula of course thought the opposite of me and declared it to be the perfect song choice. Simon thought it was clever because it ticked all of the boxes, just like Stage Dad planned it. The machine marches on.

Syesha Mercado, “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”: Syesha returned with an up-tempo theatrical number and was joined on stage by Melinda Doolittle’s back-up singers. Lots of smiling as usual but to be honest it wasn't all that inspiring, and honestly that is all I can think to say about this performance. Randy picked up on the theatre vibe. Paula rambled on for a while but said nothing that I can make fun of. Captain Jack declared that tonight was “the strangest show that I think we've ever done,” and both Randy and Paula agree. Syesha could not figure out why it was so strange. Simon then picked up on Randy’s comments and told Syesha that she is a very good actress/singer, which bought the smile back to Syesha's face. Not that she needs much prompting to do that. Simon then gave us all whiplash by declaring that Syesha could be in trouble after tonight. “Why?” Syesha asked hesitantly. Simon’s response: because there are only 5 contestants left. Makes sense to me.

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…Now piss off and go to your rooms!

The Final Score: 9 shots at Paula, mostly related to her acid trip like critique of Jason Castro. 9 shots at Simon, 4 shots at Randy, 4 shots at Ryan, 2 shots at the audience, and 5 shots at The Neil. 1 obligatory Chris Daughtry reference and 1 additional reference to a former Idol contestant. 5 Simon clichés, 3 ideas to improve the show, 3 references to other professional singers, 2 iTunes pimps, 2 Hell’s Kitchen references, 1 sleeping judge, 1 reference to an old LA theatre, 1 Arizona shoreline, and 1 reference back to my first car.

Your Three Stars of the Night: The Davids again showed why they are the front runners to win this race. The rest were either forgettable or regrettable.

The Fearless Prediction: Contrary to what Simon might think, I suspect that Syesha may in fact be safe, though I wouldn't rule out her being in the Bottom 2 again. Brooke is starting to get on my nerves but I still think she’ll last another week. We are all starting to see the limitations of Jason Castro’s ability, and it is that limitation that will send Quiet Man home tomorrow night.

Who In The World Do You Think You Are?

I'm considering no longer making any fearless predictions because I've been so far off this year. Snow White and Quiet Man's performances were so far off it wasn't even close and yet neither of them were in the Bottom 2, much to their surprise as well as mine. It's gotten so bad that even Randy has concluded that "It must be a bit of a popularity week in the vote." I got news for you Dawg, it's like that every week.

Too bad for Carly, she finally learned to relax on stage and sure enough she gets the boot. Maybe that's why she is gone and Brooke is still there. Every time the camera focused on Snow White tonight it looked like her head was about to explode, even after Ryan declared her to be safe. If she keeps that up Brooke might actually win this competition, with help from her "gynormous" fan base that includes Vote For The Worst.com, who by the way are besides themselves with glee since they've been leading the anti-Ringer Girl campaign ever since she auditioned. I also learned from VFTW that someone has actually statistically proven that the closer spot is the best one to sing from and the leadoff spot is the one most likely to get voted off that week. Check the numbers out here if you dare.

Ryan was in fine form this evening. He kissed Simon on the head and declares the "it didn't mean anything." Trained Seal then caught Captain Jack sucking a candy and admonished Simon for not paying attention to the show while he's on it. Then at the end with the final results in hand Ryan declares that "it's time to put these lovely ladies out of their misery," and that Carly is "a real star." The folks at MCA might have a different opinion on that last comment and a different thought about the comment before. Not to be outdone Drunk Chick comforted Syesha by telling her that she should be proud to be in the Bottom 2.

It was nice for President and Mrs. Bush to submit a video appeal for Idol Gives Back donations, even if it was two weeks late.

We also learned tonight that Andrew Lloyd Webber is not a singer; that Syesha looks pretty sexy in black leather; that Ryan, Paula, and Simon all had different hairstyles in Season 1; that Clay Aiken is coming out with a new album soon; that Simon discovery Leona Lewis has a very interesting skin tone; that Syesha has more fun being someone else; that the Idol tour begins in Jordin Sparks' hometown July 1; that Carly donated the T-shirt that proclaimed that Simon liked her; that Simon finds Jason charming; and that Captain Jack's compliments are the kiss of death to those whom the producers want to send home.

Next week it's The Neil, and I think this is when the contestants start singing two songs instead of one. Will anyone dare to sing "I Am, I Said", "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon", or "I'm A Believer"? And how much do you want to bet that Syesha will sing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers"? As usual I can't wait to find out.

Don't Cry For Me Archuleta

It’s going to be even more difficult for me to devote all of my attention to tonight’s Idol broadcast because the Sharks are playing in Game 7 of their series against Calgary. I considering just taping Idol and waiting for the game to end before watching, but then I would be up until about 2 am with this write-up and I need my beauty sleep. So I will again do my best to slug through both here tonight.

I’m wondering if there will be a rock night this year. We've already had the obligatory country night, the obligatory tailor to a big name star night, and tonight is the obligatory Broadway show tune night, so when do we get to hear songs that I actually listen to? Perhaps they are waiting for the preordained week when David Cook is eliminated.

Ryan played up the challenge of singing Andrew Lloyd Webber songs as we start tonight’s show. A challenge to keep from laughing while singing maybe. Perhaps because it is Earth Day, Ryan proudly declared that Idol will do its part for global warming by using green power at the finale, perhaps by having all those voted off beforehand run on hamster wheels backstage while Wonder Boy warbles through the sappy winning entry from the song writing competition. The band was brought down from the rafters to try and intimidate the contestants. There was a shot of the peanut gallery down front and there was not a single boy in the crowd. Andrew Lloyd Webber, the composer of the most important musicals of our time according to Trained Seal, was actually in the audience tonight, a first for a mentor I think. Randy joined the call to play up the difficulty of the songs. Paula, sounding like she has either a cold or a nasty hangover, actually admited that only some of the contestants are doing well.

Syesha Mercado, “One Rock and Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express: I saw this musical in Vegas and couldn't believe I spent so much money for my ticket. It can’t be good for Yes In Her Name to go first after being in the Bottom 3 last week, but then at this point I can say that about anybody unless Wonder Boy leads off. In her video Syesha tells us that she is looking forward to being theatrical. Now there is a surprise. Was that an engagement ring on her finger? Syesha flirted with the band and vamped around the stage while belting out the song. She sang it pretty well and with some nice flavor. It was actually more like a song and less like the vocal exercise that she usually does. Randy was surprised that Broadway songs were Syesha's thing. I’m not sure why, she's only a professional actress. The Dawg is right though, Yes In Her Name does have a future in musical theater. Simon thought it was sexy and showed lots of personality, whose personality I’m not sure. I thought for sure it would be Paula who would say that Syesha revealed her personality but instead she insisted on commenting about the band leader’s moves.

Jason Castro, “Memory” from Cats: Quiet Man works the Coca-Cola interview with a suit and revealed that he was nervous about singing a show tune. Webber was jolted by the sight of a man in dreads singing this song, as opposed to a woman dressed like a cat singing it. Jason had no idea a cat sang this song and is even more scared to sing it now. Quiet Man struggled with the low notes early then tried to rush the second verse in a hurry to get this over with. He then went all emoting with Verse 3, but he did hit more of the notes than Verses 1 and 2. It wasn't great, but it was not the train wreck he probably feared it would be. Randy begged to differ though, and called it a train wreck right after I typed in the previous sentence. Paula thought that the song was not who Jason was, but that it was still a wise song choice because it allowed Jason to put his own spin on it. If any of you who watched the show can tell me how Quiet Man accomplished this please let me know. Drunk Chick thought the song came off, seriously, like Joe Cocker's “You Are So Beautiful”. Her words, not mine. Randy looked into Paula’s glass and Simon looked for an exit. Captain Jack thought it came off as forced, which Randy agreed with but the rest of the audience and Paula dismissed as utter nonsense.

Brooke White, “You Must Love Me” from Evita (the movie): Webber had this to say about Snow White: “I don’t think that girl had a clue about what she was singing about.” That’s the Idol quote of the year so far, so how I can make fun of him after that? This quote is just a step ahead of Paula’s two word description of the dude’s performance in Top 16 week, “phe” and “nominal.” Webber implored Brooke to remember that Evita was dying when she sang this song. Two lines in and apparently Snow White took Webber's advice too seriously, as she abruptly stopped and asked the band to start the song over. Sadly it didn't sound any different the second time through. After the first stanza it’s clear that this song was way too big for Brooke’s little Natalie Merchant voice. Like Jason, she too resorted to emoting to make up for the lack of power in her voice. When it finally ended Brooke turned in a decent performance of what was clearly a really poor song choice. Snow White looked ready to run and hide rather than face the judges. Randy was critical but sensitive. Paula was speechless as the audience went eerily quiet, perhaps in anticipation that Drunk Chick might actually say something critical. Paula lived up to the build up and then some by emphatically telling Brooke that she can never stop and then restart a song. Following that shocker Paula slowly forces out a compliment about Brooke’s emoting. Simon loved the drama at the start but found the rest uncomfortable. I’m not sure if Captain Jack was talking about Brooke’s performance or Paula’s critique. Snow White admited to Ryan that she stopped and restarted because she lost the lyric, “the first time I've done that on this show,” she claimed. Now wait a minute, I know that she did the stop and start thing once before. Simon and Randy contradicted Paula and said that Brooke did the right thing by starting and stopping, and again Paula tries to backtrack on her criticism when someone called her on it.

The Sharks got 4 goals in a row in the second period and I’m considering recapping that instead.

David Archuleta, “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera: Wonder Boy was joined by a group of tweener chicks who stormed the stage during his Coca-Cola interview. David sang a song done by a female diva, which took a long time for Webber to get used to. And this is a guy who writes musicals that feature cats and trains who sing. Even though Webber finally came around to accepting Wonder Boy singing a chick song he couldn’t get over David closing his eyes while he sings. You know, I hadn't noticed that until now but Webber is right. This time Wonder Boy picked a song that had no low notes at the start and consequently he started out strong. The peanut gallery fell all over themselves in ecstasy. He too milked out some fake emotion but at least he didn't using it to cover up shaky singing. It was pretty good, so it’s hard to criticize him or the judges fawning over him after this one. Randy admired the Stevie riffs, which I must have missed. Paula admired the risk that David took with a “known theatrical song.” Isn't everyone tonight doing that, Paula? OK, I lied about criticizing the judges’ fawning. Simon thought it was pleasant, forgettable, and weak. The tweener chicks have to be restrained from storming the judge’s table.

Carly Smithson, “Jesus Christ Superstar”: I was trying to think the other day of the name of an Andrew Lloyd Webber song, and this was the only one I could think of. I didn't think, though, that anyone would actually sing this politically incorrect tune. Ringer Girl admits it wasn't her first choice but that Webber shot that one down after 2 verses. She started out strong and with a smile at the appropriate time for a change. She kind of butchered the lyrics in the chorus but still kept her spirits high. All in all, it was a solid performance, better than she’s done the last several weeks. It’s about time she loosened up a bit. I don’t think there has been a tenser contestant in the history of this show. Paula proclaimed that she didn't expect this. Neither did I sweetheart. Simon thought it was great and Carly can’t believe it, until she reveals a t-shirt that says “Simon Loves Me (this week).” How long has she been waiting to pull that out?

David Cook, “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera: This song is way out of Rocker Dude’s element so this could be interesting. David told us in his intro, though, that he grew up doing musical theater. I wonder whose bio he copied that line from. Webber revealed that this is the sexiest song he’s ever written, and tried to get David in the mood by having him pretend that Webber is a 17 year old girl. Despite the scary visual, David starts out alright, in tune at least, even with the low notes. I had my doubts about Rocker Dude’s musical theater claim but he may have proved me wrong. It was pretty good, and for the first time he did a song that I could not imagine Chris Daughtry singing. Ryan starts to sing David’s phone number but thankfully stops after one line.

The judges all hide behind phantom masks as they say good night and I switch to the Sharks game.

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…

The Final Score: 12 shots at Paula, 4 shots at Simon, 5 shots at Randy, 4 shots at Ryan, and 6 shots at Andrew Lloyd Webber. 1 Chris Daughtry reference and that’s it for former Idol contestants. 5 Sharks goals, 3 Calgary goals, 2 Sharks wins when going up against American Idol, 2 iTunes pimps, 3 references to other singers, 2 accusations that the Idol producers are fixing the results, 2 criticisms by Paula, 1 potential engagement, 1 scary visual, and 1 classic Idol quote.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Cook was the best of the night. David Archuleta was better than usual. Syesha Mercado discovered a potential career in musical theater. Kudos to Carly Smithson for actually relaxing on stage for once.

The Fearless Prediction: I’m only going to pick two tonight because it could any of the stars as the first of the Bottom 3 to be safe. That leaves Brooke and Jason as the Bottom 2. If the producers are determining the results then Jason is a goner, only because he’s a guy and it’s a guy’s turn to be voted off. If the audience is determining the results then Brooke is a goner because the chicks love Quiet Man and as uncomfortable as he was Jason was still better than Snow White. I want to think that there is still good in the world so I’m going to predict that Brooke White will be eliminated tomorrow night.

The Emancipation of Kristy

Last week I was happy because the Poser got the boot. This week I am happy because I scored a hat trick by predicting not just that Kristy would ride out of town but also that Brooke and Syesha would be joining her in a weepy Bottom 3. I must admit that Colt 45 lasted longer than I thought she would, but given my growing suspicion that the Idol producers have more of a say in who goes home and who goes on than they want anyone to know my admiration for how long Kristy lasted is somewhat muted. No matter, I shall enjoy my fearless and accurate prediction coming to pass because it may be the only time this happens this season.

Can we just all admit right now that Season 5 of American Idol featured the most talented group of contestants of any season thus far? Here's Elliott Yamin, Season 5's third place contestant, who comes out and outperforms all of this year's contestants even though his mother just passed away a few days ago. I really feel for the man, not just because his Mom died but also because he sang with an emotional fervor that this season's contestant's simply have not done without having anything at stake.

So for the third season in a row Ryan tried to play the groups of 3 game with the highest vote getter. Tonight's lucky contestant was the Wonder Boy, David Archuleta. At first Ryan tried to have us all believe that David had no idea what was going on, but I'm sure even Wonder Boy, even if he is half as naive as he tries to act like he is, knew what was happening from the moment Ryan sent Jason Castro to one side of the stage. Nevertheless, like Taylor Hicks and Melinda Doolittle before him the trained seal asked David to pick which group of 3 was the Bottom 3 this week, and like Melinda last year David instead took a seat on the stage and refused to choose. However, unlike last year Ryan didn't try to push Wonder Boy to make a choice, instead he just told David which group was safe. Maybe the Idol producers will get the message and not do this silly thing again next season, assuming that there is a next season of course.

One last comment about Mariah Carey, or parting shot if you prefer. I do love how she insists on wearing those form fitting dresses with the high hem lines every time she performs.

We learned this week that Randy knows how to do the hula, that Brooke was genuinely hurt by Simon's hamburger comment, that Ryan knows that Simon owns a grass skirt, that Carly thinks Simon has been too harsh with her (because, you know, she is a broken bird), that Kristy can't get her little pony back, which albums were the first ones that Randy and Paula ever bought, that the soundtrack to Star Wars was the first album I ever bought (I'm in a sharing mood, unlike Simon), that Fox means it when they say green it, that one of the two winners of last year's lame songwriting competition is still willing to be acknowledged in public, and, thanks to The Starving Starlet, Mariah Carey actually has not one but two nicknames, "Mimi" and "Pariah" (neither of these are as cool as The King though).

Next week it's Andrew Lloyd Webber and that can only mean one thing: show tunes baby!

Goose Bump Fantasy

Unlike Ryan Seacrest, this is the week that I have looked forward to since Idol announced who the mentors this season would be. Unlike Dolly Parton, I have no qualms about taking shots at Mariah Carey. She’s tough, she’s from New Yawk and has been through rehab so I’m sure she can take whatever little ol' me can dish out. Since I found out today that there is a 99 percent chance a catastrophic earthquake is going to hit California in the next 30 years I need to get all the pleasure I can get. Hey, I guess there’s no need to worry about global warming now, is there?

(The sound you hear is The Armchair Idol Judge beating Mr. Old Blog back into the hole that he just tried to crawl out from. I thought I had deleted him for good months ago)

I will need to resist switching back and forth between American Idol and the Sharks playoff game. If you've read my archives from last season you’ll know that I’m almost as obsessed about Sharks playoff hockey as I am about Idol. But I know I have a job to do here so I will do my best to give Idol the attention that this year’s talent pool so richly deserves. Though the way the Sharks are playing right now (down 1-0 starting Period #2) I might not need to worry about dividing my attention after tonight.

“Each and every performance is nerve-racking,” our lovable host Ryan told us to start the show. I’m sure he’s talking about the contestants’ nerves but there are millions watching at home who might think slightly differently. Ryan then launches into a requiem for Poser Mate and how shocking his elimination was to everyone on the show. Me, I had a beer, and then I caught the flu. Hopefully the 3 are not related.

It amazes me how many #1 hits Mariah Carey has had, as much as Elvis and almost as many as The Beatles. Who is buying all of these records? I think I can recognize about 3 or 4 Mariah songs compared to dozens by The King and The Fab Four. How successful can Mariah be when she doesn't have a cool nickname? Even though Mariah can pay off the national debt and still have enough for a trip to Europe on today’s dollar she tells us that she is just Mary from the Block, a normal girl like the rest of us. Sure, singing notes that only dogs can hear sounds pretty normal to me.

Just so you all don’t think I’m being mean to Mariah I will say that she is a good singer and prettier than the average chick. I wouldn't kick her out of bed, even if she only had $30 million instead of $300 million.

Randy is looking for identity from the contestants tonight. Good luck with that search, Dawg. Paula is looking to Randy to make the criticisms since he produced most of these songs and because Paula still hasn't found her critical side.

David Archuleta, “Do You Believe”: Meeting Mariah scared the crap out of Wonder Boy. She assures David that anything that he does will be “real and authentic.” So maybe she hasn't been watching the show after all. Or perhaps she’s watching the show that Paula is watching instead of the one the rest of America is. Why does Wonder Boy still insist on singing songs in a low register that his wispy voice can’t handle? Just belt it out boy! David’s Stage Dad must have telepathically sent him the same message because he did just that with the chorus. The loud part is naturally good, he even adds a bit of falsetto for good measure, then just when I was ready to say that it was real and authentic he drops back down to the low register and missed some more notes. Will The Dawg ignore that like he has all season or actually acknowledge how pitchy David was for once? What do you think? Randy thought it was “the bomb”. Paula and Simon both thought it was very well done. Simon reminds us that he had a #1 hit in England with that song though not with who. I don’t know if it was real and authentic but Wonder Boy did not hurt himself with that performance.

Carly Smithson, “Without You”: Carly gets Coca-Cola interview number 1. She and Ryan talk about how sad she was when Poser Mate left. “It was really boring with him,” Ringer Girl claims. Ryan tries to get Carly to admit that none of the other contestants have personalities but she doesn't bite. Everyone else put your hands down. I didn't know that Mariah Carey covered this song, which is old enough for me to recognize. Half way in it’s probably Carly’s most subtle performance to date, which I think is a good thing for a change. She finally breaks out the big voice but this time it’s with a smile even though it’s a sad song. Ringer Girl still needs to work on when to look happy and when to look angry. Overall, though, I think she did alright. Better than she has for the last few weeks. Randy didn't think that Carly supported her low parts well. Perhaps she left the girdle at home this week. Funny, The Dawg never says that about Wonder Boy who has consistently been unsupporting his bottom all season. Paula picked up on the restraint at the beginning and I surprisingly agree. Simon thought it was too restrained and that she was overthinking everything, but unlike last week the audience boos Captain Jack. Music to Carly’s ears I’m sure. This was apparently the song Captain Jack has wanted Ringer Girl to sing all season and he was disappointed that it wasn't stunningly wonderful.

Syesha Mercado, “Vanishing”: If anyone would benefit from the mentoring of America’s #1 diva it would be American Idol’s #1 diva wannabe. Mariah is giving Syesha a lot of technical advice. Syesha apparently listened because she starts off the song with lots of vocal gymnastics, half of which appear to be out of place in a ballad, though perhaps not a Mariah ballad. When Yes In Her Name hits the chorus the gymnastics jump up from the mat to the high bar, and finally ends when Syesha milks the last word of the song (take a guess on what the word was) for about 30 seconds and about 30 different notes. I don’t know about this one. It really wasn't much of a song but more of a warm-up to one. She hit most of the notes she tried, though, and since it’s a Mariah song she deserves credit for that. Randy thought she did a “good job, all things considered.” NPR threatens to sue for copyright infringement. Paula thought the song choice was smart because few people have heard it before. Simon thought it was dangerous to pick a song no one had heard before but that it was technically good. “People loved it, it didn't matter that they knew it,” Paula chimes in from the bar. I rewound this twice on the DVR and I am still having a hard time grasping what Paula meant by that.

Ryan announces that Brooke and Kristy will dook it out after the break. My money is on the mixed martial arts chick.

Brooke White, “Hero”: Snow White gets the second Coca-Cola interview. Brooke was bummed to miss her sister’s wedding for her date with Mariah; instead a cardboard cutout took her place. No, that’s too easy. Hey, here’s a song that I've actually heard Mariah sing before. I was wondering if there would be one tonight. Mariah advises Brooke to be real too, a common theme so far. Snow White is back behind the ivories again. As usual her pitch is all over the place but it seems to be working well for her until she gets to the loud belting part, but even that part is OK, or OK for her. I thought she sang that song as well as she could given how weak her voice is. Randy was digging it until the sort-of loud belting part when his enthusiasm fell off. Paula lauds her authenticity again. Drunk Chick thought it was an “unplugged” version, which judging from Brooke’s reaction was probably not her intent. Paula then actually ventures into criticism when she told Snow White that it seemed like she was trying to speed up the song. She was doing us a favor, Paula, leave her alone. Simon thought it was like ordering a hamburger and getting only a bun. The audience jeers what I thought was a very creative criticism. I've never heard that one from Captain Jack before. Brooke looks totally befuddled while the judges argue whether or not the meat was in the bun and where the condiments were, maybe because Brooke hasn't eaten since February. From out of nowhere Paula shouts out how Ryan and Brooke look lovely together. Kristy, waiting in the wings to go next, probably needed a drink after hearing that.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Forever”: Another contestant trying another “unknown” Mariah song. The contestants appear to be hiding from Mariah's better known material. I wish they would have done that during the Beatles' weeks. Kristy gave Mariah goose bumps, something I have yet to experience this season. Kristy starts out low and immediately misses a run of notes. The piano player seems to be ignoring Colt 45 and played Chopsticks instead. She continues to butcher the low notes but does better with the big vocal chorus, just like everyone else tonight. She seems to be trying to force this song into something country but it doesn't want to go there. Even still, she could probably sell a few country recordings of this song, if only because country music listeners appear to be less finicky than most (Exhibit A, Bucky Covington). Randy thought there were some pitchy parts and Kristy shouts “wow” amidst boos from the audience. I couldn't tell if Colt 45 was surprised about Randy’s criticism or the audience’s reaction to it. Since it’s not Snow White I would guess the former. Paula lauds Kristy’s elaborate plan to conquer us all and then babbles on for about 10 minutes. Simon thought Colt 45 was whiny. “Oh come on” Paula says between shots.

Ryan pimps the iTunes while hanging in the audience with Ramiele Malubay and someone else's hat. To show how far Pinoy's Lullaby has fallen Ryan doesn't even bother to introduce her.

David Cook, “Always Be My Baby”: David promises to bring it outside the box, kind of what Kristy just tried to do but only better. Rocker Dude leaves the guitar to someone else and groaps the mic like Michael Johns used to. They show the Idol band and I think I recognize one of the violin players. I must admit, I really like the arrangement, maybe because everyone before him sang basically the same song the same way and his version actually dared to be different. Rocker Dude may be smug but he is at least distinctive. I actually came close to goose bumps this time. It was a little pitchy but still pretty good. Best of the night so far. Randy thought it was so good that he got off his seat and gave it a standing O, and he didn't fall through the floor either. Captain Jack starts his critique with “It was like coming out of karaoke hell,” which prompts the expected response, but then with Drunk Chick waving him on Simon eventually concludes his sentence with “into a breath of fresh air.” The audience immediately does a 180 and cheers. They are so quick to judge the judges. The nerve of them, that’s supposed to be my job.

Jason Castro, “I Wanna Cry”: The song title probably describes Quiet Man’s reaction when he heard he had to sing a Mariah song. It has the potential for one hell of a train wreck, especially since he’s the Closer tonight, so let’s see what Jason can possibly do with this. Jason starts all acoustic like Rocker Dude though he too leaves the guitar to someone else. The arrangement has an interesting, almost Latin, vibe to it. I've never heard this song before (naturally) but I would guess that this is not the way that Mariah originally recorded it. Quiet Man missed some notes early but it got better as it went along. Say, that wasn't half bad. Not great, but certainly not a train wreck. Kind of like Kellie Pickler's performance of “Bohemian Rhapsody” two seasons ago. Randy thought he was at a luau on the beach, which Simon has apparently never heard of. Paula wants to join Jason on the beach. Simon agrees with Paula, and the vision of Captain Jack and Quiet Man in an ocean side three way leaves Drunk Chick gasping for air as we leave the air.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen…

The Final Score: 10 shots at Drunk Chick, 6 shots at Captain Jack, 6 shots at The Dawg, 5 shots at Your Lovable Host, 4 shots at the Peanut Gallery, and 9 shots at The Artist Without a Nickname. 1 Chris Daughtry reference and 5 other references to other former Idol contestants. 4 San Jose Sharks goals, 3 Calgary Flames goals, 2 goose bump moments (the fourth Sharks goal being the other, coming with 7 seconds left in the game), 2 iTunes pimps, 2 songs that I recognized, 2 Beatles references, 1 standing O, 1 hidden reference to Canadian comedy, 1 nod to NPR, 1 nod to the DVR, and a beer.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Cook was as good as anyone has been thus far this season, though he still hasn't quite reached Daughtry level yet. I thought Carly Smithson was better than she has been recently, and Jason Castro's performance was nothing short of a miracle, albeit much quieter than the one the Sharks' pulled 20 minutes later.

The Fearless Prediction: Even though Wonder Boy wasn't one of my three stars there is no way he’s in the Bottom 3. I believe instead that there will be three chicks in the Bottom 3, which falls neatly into the boy-girl-boy-girl elimination sequence the producers have been following thus far this season. It will be one weepy Bottom 3 with both Syesha Mercado and Brooke White in it, and it wouldn't surprise me to see Carly Smithson on the stools also. However, I have a feeling that this may the week that we finally say farewell to Kristy Lee Cook. Wasn't it about this same point last year when Sanjaya Malakar was eliminated?

Post-Script: I checked Mariah Carey's bio online and she did have a nickname in high school, "Mirage", because she was hardly ever there. It is kind of lame nickname, though, not one that you would expect a singer with 18 #1 songs to proudly want to use.

Dream Until Your Dreams Come True

I didn't see this elimination coming, not that I have a problem with it :)

So now I don't know if the results are rigged or not. When I saw Carly and Syesha both in the Bottom 3 I was getting excited because I felt that, as I said Tuesday night, I would know whether or not this whole gig was rigged by which of those two left the show. Then comes the big curveball that struck me out looking. I would guess judging from everyone's reaction, including Ringer Girl's, that I was not alone. It might, though, add credence to another theory that I have, that the Idol producers determine who leaves the show up to a point and then let the votes decide things the rest of the way. That may have happened tonight, or I may be becoming more like my Dad in dreaming up conspiracy theories. No matter how it was decided, Poser Mate is gone and my day has been made. I wonder if the band that he ditched will now take him back?

I thought it was kind of sad to see Ryan again try and fake some tension by hinting that Michael may in fact stay since it was Idol Gives Back week, only to break the news and send the poser home. I also noticed how Ryan dropped Chris Daughtry's name when giving Jordin Sparks her platinum album awards.

To show how out of touch I am, I didn't know that they gave out awards for one million downloads. I also didn't recognize about 1/3 of the celebrities in the goofy celebrities video. I only recognized the song in the video, "I'm A Believer", because it's about as old as I am. I also found it odd that the show and the charity thing last night featured a bunch of celebrities acting goofy, all except Jim Carrey, who makes a living by acting goofy but played it straight with his promo tonight.

We also learned tonight that Simon has apparently connected with America but that John McCain still needs to work on that, that Reverend Al and Reverend Pat can co-exist on the same beach at the same time if Al Gore pays them a lot to do it, that Paula looks pretty damn fine when she doesn't say anything, that Teri Hatcher should not be allowed to sing on national television ever again, that ukuleles cost as much as decent watch, that the ratings for the charity show are not as good when everyone knows that there will not be any results announced, and that Rocker Dude and the Ambiguously Gay Host appear to share the same hair stylist.

Someone pass me a big tinny of Victoria Bitter, I'm in the mood for some tonight.

Praying for Divine Inspiration

Tonight the greatest talent pool in the history of American Idol took their shot at singing songs of inspiration and hope. This leads me to think about uninspirational this year’s performances have so far been. I can still recall performances from the last two seasons that gave me goose bumps when I heard them. Just a few examples: Jordin Sparks raising big bucks for charity by singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”, Blake Lewis out singing J-Lo’s husband on J-Lo night with “I Need To Know”, Melinda Doolittle singing “I've Got Rhythm” with 2 key changes, LaKesha Jones outdoing Jennifer Hudson with “You’re Gonna Love Me”, Chris Daughtry doing a rock version of “I Walk The Line”, Katherine McPhee channeling Judy Garland singing “Over The Rainbow”, Taylor Hicks injecting white boy soul into Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness”, Elliott Yamin acing “Trouble” and eliminating Daughtry from the competition. I bet you can think of a few others that inspired you too. However, there has not been a single performance this season that I've gotten as excited about as I did these and others from Seasons 5 and 6, which if Ryan Seacrest is to be believed featured less talented contestants than what we have this season.

I mentioned in my last recap how I felt that David Archuleta was too polished and too professional for me to root for him to win. I think now that this is true for almost all of this year’s contestants. The only one who has even come close to a goose bump performance is David Cook, but even Rocker Dude hasn't blown me away as much as the ones I mentioned did. Perhaps it is not a coincidence, though, that David is the only one left in the competition without a prior record deal or reality show experience. The raw emotion that poured out from past seasons’ performances has been noticeably missing from this season’s group, replaced instead by polished professionalism and false sincerity. I would think that someone like Kristy Lee Cook or Syesha Mercado would realize that they have nothing to lose and go for broke at least once, but instead it’s the same thing week after week and always with a smile. Maybe these guys and gals are just holding back and saving their best performances for the end, and maybe I’ll win the lottery and do these recaps from my palatial estate overlooking Hanalei Bay.

Ryan has either caught the uninspiration bug or he has run out of catchy introductions to start the show. Paula’s wearing an interesting strapless dress that accentuates some of her more interesting assets. The contestants emerge from the big screen and we go right to Poser the Opener.

Michael Johns, “Dream On” by Aerosmith: To be honest, I have never thought of “Dream On” as being inspirational but Poser Mate tries to make the case in his video intro. Let’s see if he shouts this one like the other songs he’s done the last couple weeks. Yep, that didn't take long. He’s gripping the mike to perhaps avoid those strange hand movements that he keeps doing even when he sings. Man, he is really goes overboard with the shouting tonight. Pavlov was right, the more compliments Poser Mate gets when he shouts the more he’ll do it. I’m not all that inspired by this song choice or by the shouting. Neither is Randy, who engages in a heated debate with Poser about the inspirational aspects of the song. The Dawg also thought Michael was too pitchy, and I again ask how someone can be pitchy when they are not singing. Paula thought it was wonderful and apparently wants to join Poser Mate and her chihuahuas in a nasty three way. Simon thought it was alright but that Poser was impersonating a rock star. Paula shouts words of derision at Simon, while I shout words of praise for someone finally calling this poser out for what he really is.

Syesha Mercado, “I Believe” by Fantasia: With a smile on her face Syesha and Ryan chat about how much Yes in Her Name misses Ramiele Malubay. Apparently they were close, but then Pinoy's Lullaby was close with everyone on this show. Gee, what a surprise, Syesha's doing another ballad by an African American diva, though she’s taking a chance doing one by a former Idol winner. She struggles with pitch during the part that actually requires singing, which goes away when she gets to the shouting chorus. And yes, there was the big note with the big smile at the end. I don’t know, this one was all over the map for me. Randy repeats the same comments he made to Syesha last week when she did a Whitney number, only substituting “Fantasia” for “Whitney”. The Dawg then gets mad again when Syesha tries to justify her song choice like Poser Mate did. Simon comments on Syesha’s lack of emotion compared to Fantasia and that we really don’t know the real Syesha. She’s an actress, Captain Jack Sparrow; she may not even know who the real Syesha is. I’m amazed, though, with how real Simon has been thus far tonight.

Jason Castro, “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”: Instead of the traditional Katherine McPhee version Jason’s doing a Hawaiian version complete with a ukulele. It’s original, I’ll give him that. He’s singing it mostly on pitch and tune but it’s making me very sleepy. The uke is a bit of a distraction as well. Nevertheless it was alright but uninspiring. Quiet Man made a good choice to go with the Hawaiian version though. I doubt he could have done nearly as well with the traditional approach. The judges all loved it, even Randy, who seems relieved not to be yelling at someone. As it was pointed out last week, Quiet Man does have that effect on people.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Anyway” by Martina McBride: Will she go for broke or play it safe with another corny country number? And will it really matter? Inquiring minds want to know. Kristy is talking the talk in her intro; let’s see if she can walk the walk. She looks rather strung out to me for some reason, though Simon later thought she looked terrific. I guess the rumors that Captain Jack loves strung out blondes is true after all. I must admit, she did put some extra effort into this performance. The singing was actually pretty good, one of her best performances. Paula wants Randy to stop talking about pitch because this is a singing competition. Simon wants to keep talking about Paula’s chihuahuas. Captain Jack also loves Colt 45’s performance even though Paula keeps waiving her hands in front of him. Kristy thanks Ryan yet again even though all he was doing was reading the phone number. Give it up girl, he doesn't swing that way.

The judges were joined by the Fox exec (Mike Darnell) who helped create this monster. He looks like one of the contestants. He’s probably a poser too.

David Cook, “Innocent” by Our Lady Piece: I’m still waiting to be inspired. Let’s see what Rocker Dude can do for me with a song that I've never heard of. Rocker Dude is going naked this week, singing without the guitar. The song is somewhat of a departure from his usual stuff. It’s less rocky, less gritty, more Idol like I'm sad to say. David does the Taylor Hicks move by walking through the crowd and singing to Paula, then closes the number by showing “give back” on his hand. Aww, how sweet. Frankly, I’m disappointed. He was my only hope for inspiration tonight and he didn't quite do that for me, even with the hand message. Randy thought it was weak, the singing not the hand writing. Paula thought it was wonderful as usual. Simon thought it was pompous and forgettable. “Pompous?” Paula shouts back incredulously. You know, the drunk chick has developed a recurring pattern of screaming at either Randy or Simon whenever they say anything even remotely negative about any of these wonderful contestants. I hope if Paula ever reads this blog that she won’t start shouting at me too.

Carly Smithson, “The Show Must Go On” by Queen: She’s back to complaining about how difficult her life has been. From what I've heard Ringer Girl has no reason to complain. Carly is back to her angry face again this week. Maybe she’s wearing the girdle again. She was in tune and on pitch but it was very stiff for me. This is not good for inspiration week, not unless you count anger as an emotion. Paula actually agrees with Randy’s comment that she didn't feel engaged with Carly, her only negative comment all night. Simon thought “it came over…quite strangely, as an angry performance, which kind of felt out of kilter with the evening.” I highlighted this because Simon is 100% spot on. Captain Jack is on one hell of a roll tonight. A dramatic hush falls over the room. Everyone, even the drunk chick, is silent. Simon thinks that Carly may be in a “bit of trouble” after tonight and no one boos. Carly then tries to blame Captain Jack’s evil scowl for throwing her off her game. I’m not sure if she really believed this or if she only said it to lighten up the funeral parlor like atmosphere.

David Archuleta, “Angels”: Somehow I don’t think the slick professional known as Wonder Boy will inspire me to donate any money, but I’m willing to have an open mind about this only because I am so desperate now for inspiration. David starts at the piano; let’s see how long he stays there. As usual he struggles to get out the low notes but does much better with the louder ones. The tweeners love it of course. I thought it was his usual stuff. Considering his usual stuff has made Wonder Boy the front runner to win this competition that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Randy thought it was better than “Imagine”, which he previously thought was the best Idol performance ever. Paula is actually subdued in her praise, but it’s still praise nonetheless. Simon thought it was a bit nasally and that the end was better than the beginning, again right on target.

Ryan is hanging with security while he’s pimping the iTunes.

Brooke White, “You've Got a Friend” by Carole King: Snow White was inspired to start singing by Carole King. I could think of more inspirational singers but I could think of less ones too. Aerosmith for one. Brooke leaves the piano playing to someone else this time. As usual, it’s a little pitchy but safe at the start. It’s a little more emotional in the middle, but then it descends back into sleepsville. The cello player, though, is pretty cute. Despite being a lackluster performance Snow White is milking it for all the emotion she can muster. Randy thought it was “OK”, Brooke thought Randy’s comment was “OK”. Paula reminisces about her sister. Simon thought it was a nice, pleasant walk in the park and that’s all. Snow White doesn't seem happy about being called pleasant. I guess it’s hard to agree with a criticism when it is worded as a compliment.

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen….

The Final Score: 9 shots at Paula, only 3 shots at Dead Eye Jack (he earned his millions tonight), 6 shots at Randy, and 5 shots at Ryan. 2 Chris Daughtry references, 0 Kelly Clarkson references (sorry, I lied last week), and I lost count of the number of references to other former Idol contestants. 2 iTunes pimps, 2 show recaps, 2 arguments between Randy and a contestant, 2 references to a tropical paradise, 1 reference to a scientist, 1 three-way dance, 1 appearance by a Fox executive, and not one moment of inspiration on Inspiration Night.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: David Archuleta was alright, Jason Castro was alright, and for once Kristy Lee Cook was alright.

The Fearless Prediction: Since there will in fact be a results show this week there’s no week off for me. Emboldened by the events of last week I will boldly predict that Brooke White will be in the Bottom 3 but will not be eliminated. This will instead be a true test to see if the results are true or if the contest is as rigged as I suspect. If the producers use the actual vote then Carly Smithson is a goner given the gloomy reaction her performance received tonight. But since she is clearly one of the Idol producers' favorites I would not be surprised to see Syesha Mercado eliminated instead. I’m going to try and stay optimistic here and predict that Ringer Girl will be rung out.

I’m not going to recap tomorrow’s Idol Gives Back extravaganza because, let’s be honest, I likely won’t have much material to work with. Actually, I will do a recap: Lots of celebrates asked you to donate your money, Ryan played up how wonderful the show is, and a bunch of singers show just how talented they are and how untalented this year’s contestants are. So there you go, see you on Thursday.

I'll leave you with some actual inspiration from an actual Idol contestant:

Dagger Through the Heart

It's palaam for Ramiele Malubay. Such a sweet girl to be voted off so soon. Let this be a lesson to all of you. You may have the greatest voice in the world but if you're afraid to sing the big notes no one will ever hear it. At least Ramiele gets to go on the tour, unless of course she's still out to sea with Rosie and Danny. I am amazed, though, that she was still able to sing her farewell song. If there was anybody who I thought would accept Ryan's offer not to sing it would have been her, and while she was sitting next to Ryan when he introduced Dolly Parton it looked like she was in the midst of a stroke.

I love Paula's explanation for why Ramiele was in the Bottom 3: "It comes down to connecting with the audience." I love it because last night Paula complimented Ramiele for connecting with the audience. I kid you not. I rewound the DVR and checked just to be sure. Now I know that alcohol can inhibit memory retention but this is just ridiculous.

Syesha survives and I am 1-3 so far, though I did pick Pinoy's Lullaby to be in the Bottom 3. And once again Kristy Lee Cook is in the Bottom 2 yet somehow survives. I was not surprised to see either her or Brooke White in the Bottom 3, after all I've only been picking these two to be in the Bottom 3 every week since the start of the finals. The only reason I didn't this week was because I was too tired of looking like a fool. Colt 45's run on being in the Bottom 2 week after week yet somehow surviving does amaze me. Brooke White, though, is just getting to be annoying. Can she for once just shut up and take her compliments like a man?

You notice everyone who has been voted off so far are the ones without prior record deals or TV reality show appearances and all the so-called "ringers" are still in the competition? This does not bode well for David Cook, who is now the only non-ringer left (if you don't believe me you can look it up on Wikipedia like I did). That high blood pressure problem of his might have just gotten worse. Good luck, Rocker Dude, it's 7 pros against the 1 amateur and you're it.

It's nice to see the winners of the other singing competition, the one with the bands that I stopped watching after about 10 minutes last summer, get some screen time. They sure aren't getting any attention anywhere else.

I've found that the best way to watch the Idol medleys is with the TV on mute. Perhaps next week I'll try that with the phone call segment and see if it works there too.

Looks like Phil Stacey, Squidward from Season 6, has found a home in Nashville. So apparently has the original Idol rocker Bo Bice. Yes, even Chris Daughtry was not a true original. I still find it hard to believe that Bucky Covington of all people has a record deal.

Next week Idol Gives Back and I hopefully will get a break from having to predict a loser, unless Ryan is going to tease us and suggest that Wonder Boy is getting voted off during the results show/telethon.

Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That

My apologizes for the lateness of this decision. I had some obligations to my paying customers to satisfy first. Fortunately though, the DVR worked and I am ready to issue my report to you all. I know, exciting, isn’t it?

Normally I would be excited about having a mentor to bash, but I’m not sure how I can bash Dolly Parton. It seems so unseemly, like trying to bash Tony Bennett or something. If it were 20 years ago, sure, Dollywood would be easy pickings, but after surviving in the music business for as long as she has it just doesn’t seem right. Then again, I was rather ruthless on Barry Gibb last year, at least according to my sister.

Ryan makes a lame attempt at an April Fool’s joke to open the show, which the girls in the peanut gallery buy into big time until Ryan lumps both The Moment of Truth and Simon in it. The Dawg loves that Ryan called him Legendary. Again Simon gets the biggest screeches, I mean cheers. Dolly bonds with the contestants and tells them that she figured out the rhythm of “9 to 5” by clicking her acrylic nails. Sadly no one tried this song or this musical instrument tonight.

Brooke White, “Jolene”: Brooke tells Dolly that she is ready to do some picking. This would have such a different implication if Ramiele had said this instead. Dolly admires Brooke’s honesty but says little about her vocal ability. Brooke did admit on national television that she has never seen an R-rated movie, so perhaps Dolly is on to something here. Brooke ditches the band and sings only with a fiddle player and some dude thumping on what sounds like a drum but looks like a speaker. She starts out a little pitchy and only gets a little better in tune as she went along. In other words, standard Brooke, though it was lively enough to keep me awake this time. It was alright, so the judges will likely hate it. Sure enough, Randy is critical. Of course Brooke thanks him for the criticism. Paula thinks Brooke is what record producers want. Now that’s advice that Brooke can trust, coming from someone who was dropped by her record label. Simon, an actual record producer, bemoaned Brooke’s lack of emotion, which prompts an emotional response from Brooke. Simon tries to continue his criticism only to be drowned out by both Paula and the bumper music.

David Cook, “Little Sparrow”: Rocker Dude gets the Coca-Cola interview. Ryan asks him how he determines his arrangements. David claims that he does a lot of research online. I would give David credit for being honest if only he had admitted that one of the sites he copies from is http://www.daughtry.com/. He’s going to take a chance and do his own arrangement. Is Rocker Dude trying to prove something? The Idol hairdresser went wild with the blow drier this week, which Paula absolutely loves. Rocker Dude is not as pitchy as Snow White but he missed a few notes here and there. It too was alright but not one of his best. He might consider going back to copying Chris Daughtry again. Simon brings up the sparrows again, complimenting Rocker Dude for doing a “good” job with a song about these annoying little birds. Maybe I should consider changing Simon’s nickname to Captain Jack Sparrow.

Ramiele Malubay, “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”: “Finally someone my size,” Dolly declares as little Ramiele walks in for the rehearsal/mentor session. Ramiele is the only singer that Dolly gets to look down to (I thought about a breast joke here but it’s late and I can’t think of a polite one). Pinoy’s Lullaby stays away from the lullabies again, even after promising Paula last week that she would sing one this week. Much of the song is flat. It is on tune and on pitch, but outside of maybe three or four brief spots there were no big notes from the little girl. Once again, it was safe. Ramiele was scared to sing in front of Dolly and it appears she was scared to sing in front of the crowd too. Doesn’t bode well for the summer tour or for her chances of winning. Paula declares that she is proud of Ramiele for connecting with the audience and having fun and of course says nothing about her singing, because as we all know this is a singing competition. Simon declares it to be forgettable and cruise ship like, hmmmm. I think both the dude judges are all but begging little Ramiele to sing some big notes, but for some reason she’s doing her best to stay away from them. Perhaps she wants to get voted off so she can join BFF Danny Noriega on Rosie’s gay cruise. She looked good tonight, though.

Jason Castro, “Travelin’ Thru”: He too gets the Coca-Cola interview. Ryan asks Jason about all the post cards that he got from the same girl, whose tension is melted away by Jason’s laid back style. I would guess Quiet Man has that effect on a lot of people, though I would never have imagined that he would attract a stalker. Dolly thinks that Jason is going “outside of himself” with this song, we shall see about that. He is not sitting on a stool so it is a little different. It does sound like he’s trying to be livelier but still it sounds like he’s had a few doobies with Dolly before the show. It was fine, nothing spectacular; it was better than last week. Paula is in love. You can see it in her eyes. Maybe it was Paula that Jason shared his grass with before the show. Simon is in full hate mode and again Paula can’t believe the words coming out of Captain Jack’s mouth. What show has she been watching all this time?

Carly Smithson, “Here You Come Again”: Finally, a song that I recognize. Carly tweaks the arrangement and turns it into a ballad. See, Ramiele, this is how you’re supposed to do it, only you’re supposed to hit more notes than Carly is doing. She belts out a big note at the end to try and hide all the ones that she missed. The arrangement was good but the singing could have been better. Nevertheless Randy and Paula loved it. Paula can’t believe how great it was. She then goes after Randy for criticizing Carly last week, declaring multiple times that Carly was “on pitch”. Randy wants to avoid talking about the past and can’t believe how much Paula is on him. Neither can Carly, who agreed with Randy that she was pitchy. It took about 10 minutes before Simon says a word. Captain Jack thought it was good but not great and draws jeers from the crowd. He then criticizes Ringer Girl’s wardrobe, which draws Paula back out of her seat and away from the Dawg, much to Randy’s relief. Ryan seems especially hard in asking why Simon is being so critical, much more than usual and much like Paula was with The Dawg. Paula can’t believe that anybody can criticize the wonder that is the Ringer Girl.

Carlos Santana is doing Macy’s commercials now? With Mariah Carey and Donald Trump and Martha Stewart? Now I’ve seen everything. Next thing I’ll know he’ll be pimping iTunes.

David “EEEEK” Archuleta, “Smoky Mountain Memories”: It’s a song that gives David chills and reminds him of his home. I'm not quite sure why since he's from Utah. Well there are mountains in Utah, though with all those Mormons I don't know if anyone in Utah is a smoker. It finally occurred to me, Wonder Boy is too polished. He’s got a great voice but it’s just so professional. Still, it was pretty good, best of the night so far at least. David’s Stage Dad is so proud. The girls in the front row are ready to collapse in excitement. Gee whiz, even Simon loved it. “We love you!” shouted about 20 girls in the front as Ryan reads off the phone number. OhmyGod! Blake Lewis is at home probably thinking if there was a mosh pit full of tweener girls last year he would have won the damn thing instead of that teenager.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Coat of Many Colors”: If Kristy Lee doesn’t ace this then she should go home right now. She got about 2/3 of the way through the song before she took a breath. To go along with the song theme Kristy performs the song barefoot. It was a standard country like performance, which is a good thing for country week. Probably her best performance to date. Paula surprisingly agrees with me. Simon unsurprisingly doesn’t, though he did find it pleasant. I guess Simon likes the patriotic stuff instead. Those crazy Brits, who did we fight the Revolutionary War against again? If you’ve been watching John Adams you would know. Kristy Lee declares her love for Captain Jack as we go to break, then thanks Ryan for saying “I Will Always Love You.”

Syesha Mercado, “I Will Always Love You”: Sorry Kristy Lee, Ryan was only announcing the next song. We all know that his interests are elsewhere anyway. If Michael Johns had been standing there instead of Kristy Lee then I might think otherwise. Ryan then visits with Vanna White in the audience. Oh yeah, this is supposed to be Syesha’s critique. Gee, what a surprise, Syesha is singing the Whitney Houston version of the song. About the 30th time this song has been done on Idol, and about the fourth time Syesha has done a song like this. It is at least her second Whitney song, though it seems like that is all she does. You would think after being in the bottom 2 last week when she essentially did the same thing that Yes in Her Name might try something else. She ends the song with a big note to get the crowd off their feet, though Paula’s still sitting down. Hey, Paula is also saying something about someone’s voice for once. The boy judges thought it was alright but paled in comparison to Whitney, which is about the 30th time both Randy and Simon have each said this.

Michael Johns, “It’s So Wrong But It’s So Right“: Poser Mate is Poser the Closer tonight. He reveals that the first concert he ever went to was a Dolly concert in 1986. Dolly thinks he must have been a baby then, forgetting that Michael is a 29 year old ringer. Apparently Michael is a closet Dolly fan. He learned his lesson from last week and starts shouting from the first note all the way to the end. It’s a nice little rock ballad arrangement and one of his better performances. The guitarist is happy because he is getting a lot of screen time tonight. Paula has to talk fast because it’s 9 o’clock and then she slows way down. Half way through her rambling praise we run out of time as my DVR stops. Neither Chef Ramsey nor Simon will be pleased.

The Final Score: 10 shots at Paula, 7 shots at Captain Jack Sparrow, 5 shots at Randy, 4 shots at Ryan, and 4 shots at Dolly Parton. 2 Chris Daughtry references, no Kelly Clarkson references (though with Idol Gives Back airing next week there should be at least one then), 2 references to other former Idol contestants and 3 references to former and/or future Idol mentors. 3 iTunes plugs, 2 game show celebrities, 2 Dolly Parton songs that I recognized, 2 Coca-Cola interviews, 1 historical figure, 1 Hollywood figure, and only 8 critiques from Simon for the 9 contestants.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Archuleta was his usual self, David Cook did alright, and Michael Johns is finally starting to show why the Idol producers maneuvered to get him on the show.

The Fearless Prediction: Carly Smithson is starting to show why the Idol producers should not have maneuvered to get her on the show and instead why her album tanked, so I suspect that she may be back in the Bottom 3 and those uncomfortable stools this week. I think she took a step backward. I’m tired of picking Brooke White and Kristy Lee Cook to be here so I will go with Ramiele Malubay instead. Syesha Mercado needed to do something to stand out and I’m not sure that singing a Whitney song done over and over again by as good or better singers will help. So my prediction is that S-yes-ha will be back doing commercials in Miami after tomorrow night.

Yeah, the chicks pretty much sucked tonight. Now I really miss Amanda Overmyer.