Stress and Strain

Imagine the possibility that the final 7 could consist of Crystal Bowersox and all 6 guys, or that the final 8 could consist of Crystal, Siobhan Magnus, and all 6 guys. This is a very real possibility given how things are shaping up, and this after both Big Sexy and Captain Jack claimed that this was a “girl’s year.” It would also be a clear sign (as if Kris Allen was not enough) that the tweener girls have hijacked the voting and potentially alienated the rest of America. The real question is whether or not the producers of American Idol or the folks at Fox even care. Tweener girls are a highly sought after advertiser’s demographic after all, and the Fox folks know that they have Captain Jack’s X-Factor show to fall back on if their current cash cow runs dry.

“OK guys, here we go,” declares Trained Seal as he starts the show back stage with the contestants standing at attention and the judges pretending to make out. Ryan then takes the stage to a standing ovation from the peanut gallery as the opening credits roll. Trained Seal asks the audience to call out the name of who they think will win, and the expected cacophony occurs. The only names Ryan claims to hear are Clay Aiken’s and Simon’s.

Tonight’s tormentor for Soul/R&B night is Usher, a “big gun” with the ultimate R&B show, at least according to Trained Seal. Whatever happened to tormentors like Stevie Wonder who does not have to pretend that he is a big name in the business? Usher asks the contestants for permission to hurt their feelings, a consideration that I have never bothered to consider in the 4 seasons I have been recapping this show. Maybe I can learn something from the tormentor for a change. After the promo video Usher and Trained Seal bond in the audience and promote the new Usher album, shades drawn of course. I guess wearing shades indoors is Usher’s “thang”. Trained Seal tries to provoke Usher to admit that some of his songs may offend people he knows. Usher of course dances around the question. A number of contestants did this tonight when pushed by Ryan to respond to personal questions, so perhaps they too learned something from the tormentor this week.

Siobhan Magnus, “Through the Fire” by Chaka Khan: Siobhan admits that she has been a big fan of Usher since she was 6 years old; a funny thing to say considering Usher looks about 5 years younger than Siobhan. Usher comments on Siobhan’s outfit but does not say much about her singing except that she has a surprisingly loud voice. He does not bother to mention the large tattoo on Siobhan’s right shoulder that she has been hiding all this time. Siobhan tells us that she just cannot wear regular dress and heels, one week after she admitted that she is a little bit strange. At least she is honest even if she is a little bit, well, weird. Siobhan starts the song slow and still in a pair of “Missy Elliott” boots as described by Trained Seal. The first verse sounds kind of muffled and tentative, not what we usually hear from Siobhan. The choruses have the usual big, long notes from her, but they sound even more strained than the big notes Siobhan sang last week. The final big notes are a little better but seem forced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and then claims it was a “little” pitchy. He still liked Siobhan’s courage and her big boots, because this is a singing competition. Chicken Little E still likes Siobhan but thinks she wandered off of the trail and got scared, one of many analogies that Ellen strained to get out tonight. Horny Chick is still in love with the screaming parts, because again this is a singing competition and Kara is an expert in singing, and then tells Siobhan that she is entitled to an off night. Captain Jack of course disagrees and tells Siobhan that it sounded like she was running a marathon while singing the song. This of course earns Simon a chorus of boos, who in turn earn a rebuke from Captain Jack. He is not only bored with the boos but also with the screaming from Siobhan that Horny Chick is in love with. Trained Seal questions the judges on their comments, which sets off a second round of critiques from them. Siobhan told Ryan that she wanted to try something different even if she did not “kill it,” and everyone looks at Captain Jack to point out the irony of that sentence. Simon did not disappoint, calling Siobhan’s performance “manslaughter.” I think you can get parole for that, though. Chicken Little E adds a comment about “gilding the lily” and I am too tired to comment on the other comments. I swear if they are going to do this double comment thing after every contestant I am going to up all night again.

After the break we see Siobhan sulking at the green room buffet table and getting a big sympathy hug from Mike. We got to see and hear all of the contestants back stage after their performances, though Siobhan’s is the only one that warrants a comment.

Casey James, “Hold On, I’m Comin’” by Sam and Dave: Casey promised during the semis that he would reveal his pre-show routine and what is in his box if he reached the Top 10. Well, we are still waiting poser. Casey thinks this week is perfect for him because he is such the R&B/soul artist. Usher thinks he is a rock star even though Casey cannot seem to remember the lyrics. The tormentor also likes Casey’s swagger. I do not, if this is not obvious to you by now. Casey starts solo but quickly Ricky and the band kick in and have a rollicking good time with this song. Casey seems to be too, which as you all know is the most important thing to the contestants on this singing competition. Casey’s singing is decent though very staccato. I also think he made up the words to the second verse. That is one way to avoid getting called out for forgetting the lyrics. Captain Jack would normally call him on that but he clearly does not care any more. And once again Casey finishes with a self-indulgent guitar solo. Funny you don’t hear Horny Chick asking Casey to drop his guitar like she is doing with all the chick singers. Big Sexy utters 3 yos, says Casey’s name twice, name drops Sam Moore, and says nothing else worth noting. Ellen loves the vocals and the consistency but gets booed by describing the performance as safe and generic. She is clearly straining to be both funny and positive and I am really missing Drunk Chick now because Paula never had to try to be both; she was just naturally that way. Horny Chick thinks Casey is holding back and wants him to show her everything he’s got. Yes, Trained Seal did make a snide comment about this later. Captain Jack just wants to be honest when he tells Casey that it was his best performance to date and showed a new side as an artist. Casey promises Trained Seal that he will play acoustic guitar next week instead of the electric strings. Maybe that is what he has in that box.

Michael Lynche, “Ready for Love” by India Arie: Usher gives Big Mike his best advice of the night after Mike tells him that he will be playing a guitar this week: “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing.” Perhaps to some of you this is obvious but Mike treats this as words of infinite wisdom. Usher shows off his ability to look into the camera and connect with the audience and urges Mike to do the same. Mike starts his song slow and sitting behind the judges with his eyes closed instead of making love at the camera as Usher suggested. He does not seem to need Usher’s advice, though, as Mike is getting very romantic all on his own. The mosh pit does the hand waiving thing again but because Mike has his eyes closed and his back turned to the peanut gallery it is not a distraction. It is a nice, silky vocal. For once Michael was a singer and not so much of a performer. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 2 looks, 2 Mikes, and thinks Mike is “in the zone” with the “sensitive thing.” Chicken Little E thought it was beautiful and strains to make a joke about people singing behind her back. Horny Chick had never heard this song before, even though she is a trained professional, but thought that Mike found the true emotion in the song even though he is “so far away from that.” So far away from what? Captain Jack can finally take Michael seriously as an artist instead of being a “silly karaoke singer.” Trained Seal solicits a positive comment from the tormentor in the audience before reading the phone number.

Didi Benami, “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin: Didi tells us that this song struck a nerve with her and gets all emotional after she sang it to Usher. Usher tries to urge Didi to use that emotion in her singing, though Didi is not sure that she can control it for a full 90 seconds. She bounces in and out of pitch while singing the first verse. The chorus is a little better but the second verse is even pitchier than the first. Didi keeps the emotion in check but she is clearly struggling to do so. She is wearing a nice dress though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought the song was flat line. Randy gets booed but is still keeping it real. Chicken Little E strains to call it “dramatic” and can’t think of anything else to say. She gets booed for her troubles too. Horny Chick I think says “it’s over dumb girl,” but because no one booed her I wonder if I heard that correctly. Kara then babbles on about her confusion because Didi refuses to stay in the singer/songwriter box Horny Chick wants to put her in. Captain Jack prompts some more boos by telling Didi that her performance was over the top, old fashioned, off melody, no longer contemporary (was she ever?), and sounded like she was swimming in jelly and like a song from a dancing show. Big Sexy wants to know if Simon was referring to that goofy dance show across the hall with the screaming chick or the other dancing show that will soon overtake Idol in the ratings. Trained Seal asks Didi to elaborate on why the song struck a nerve with her. Didi dances around the question so Trained Seal rephrases it and asks her why she was crying after she sang the song to Usher. Again Didi deflects the question and then tries to distract Ryan by saying that it was because of him. Finally Trained Seal gets the hint and tells us that Didi was thinking of someone specific when she sang the song.

Tim Urban, “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker: Teflon Tim gets the first of two Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Trained Seal asks Tim about his new nickname and he thinks its all good, for while he respects what the judges say he is just out there to have fun. If I had a dime for every Idol contestant who has ever said that. I would be a millionaire from this season alone. After Tim’s first performance Usher does not believe that Tim has ever been in love, so he asks Tim to pretend that he is in love with him. When that does not work Usher suggests using an imaginary lover as motivation. This does not seem to work that well either but both Tim and Usher feel more comfortable about it. Tim takes a chance and puts down the guitar and sits on a chair. He has changed up the arrangement to get around how weak his voice is compared to Anita Baker’s and has only marginal success. He actually looks kind of sad, and this is supposed to be a love song. Tim sang a decent vocal for him, the key phrase being “for him.” Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 1 dog, and thinks there were both plusses and minuses in the performance. Randy then goes into detail on the minuses, straining to compare Tim’s performance to a singing waiter and saying that it was pedestrian and without swag or “looove” with a vibrato. Do you know what I’m sayin’? Chicken Little E claims that there is a drinking game out there that requires players to take a drink when she says “adorable.” I think she is not nearly as popular with college students as she thinks she is. Ellen wonders why in the world Tim chose that song and thought his walking around stage was like someone sneaking into a bedroom. Horny Chick thought it was Broadway at times, Vegas at other times, and thought Tim took the soul out of the song on R&B/Soul night. Kara then gets all upset when Tim starts laughing instead of standing there pretending like he is listening. Captain Jack pulls out the mouse pretending to be an elephant analogy again and then talks about how it does not matter what the judges say because Tim and his tweener girl fan base do not care. Simon has clearly gone into Sanjaya Malakar mode here with Teflon Tim. I can only imagine what the folks at Vote for the Worst.com think about this.

Andrew Garcia, “Forever” by Chris Brown: Usher thinks Andrew is nervous as all out during his first performance, so he pulls off the shades to be sincere, urging Andrew to believe in himself and believe in the acoustic version of the song. The strings are back but are hiding in the mosh pit. Andrew is pulling another “Straight Up”, taking a hip hop dance song and turning it into a ballad. At least this time it is a song originally sung by a male artist. And like his performance of the Drunk Chick song Andrew has a strong vocal and is making the song his own. Well done. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (tops for the night) and declares that Andrew is back from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Chicken Little E thinks Andrew finally competed with that “other song.” Horny Chick is happy to declare that Andrew has taken “one giant leap” from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Captain Jack thought this performance was miles better from where Andrew has been the last several weeks but still thinks Andrew is boring. While Trained Seal threatens to get in his grill again Simon strains to explain that contestants cannot be boring if they hope to win, right after saying that Tim Urban has no chance to win even though he is getting by only because of his personality. Trained Seal does finally back away but then mentioned the Drunk Chick song again and provokes Andrew’s mom to come forward and give Simon a piece of her mind.

Katie Stevens, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Katie claims that she had a brush with Usher at a concert some time ago. Usher of course blew her off then but is reluctant to admit it now that Katie is all famous and stuff. Usher urges Katie to adopt a diva attitude and to try and personalize the song by singing it to one guy in the audience. Pretty much the same advice he gave Michael except with the other gender. For once Katie does not start the song in her low register but she is still pitchy. Katie is certainly dressed like she is trying to convey an attitude with her sleeveless blouse and short skirt. She is more or less in tune and her pitch got better as the song went along, but it was flat for me. I kept waiting for her allegedly big voice to bust out and it never did. Not a good thing to happen when you are trying to sing an Aretha song. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and thought it was disconnected vocally. Even so, he thought it was the best vocal of the night because Katie sounded like Christina Aguilera. Chicken Little E annoys me by mentioning the snuggie poof again and whining about how Katie is acting too mature. Earth to Ellen, the girl is 17, get over it will ya? OK, enough of that. Horny Chick thought it was Katie’s best performance to date and that she is finally where she belongs, but she is still not acting young enough. Captain Jack cannot believe that Big Sexy compared Katie to Christina Aguilera. In response, both Randy and Horny Chick claim that Big Sexy did not mean to compare Katie to Christina, only that Katie has the potential to be as good as Christina. That is not what I heard though. Captain Jack then tells Katie that her performance was good but cold, robotic, and like someone from Star Search. Ironically Christina Aguilera got her first break appearing on Star Search, a fun fact you can share with your friends. He finishes his comments by again claiming that Horny Chick is an idiot and that Katie would be foolish to listen to her. Horny Chick again claims that Captain Jack thinks Katie should be a country singer, while Big Sexy chimes in to say that he sees Katie as a pop singer with an R&B lean. No wonder Katie is so lost. The judges still cannot agree on what box they want to force Katie into. Katie tells Trained Seal that she only listens to herself and not to any of the judges, but I am still waiting to see proof that Katie actually believes this.

Lee DeWyze, “Treat Her Like a Lady” by Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose: Lee gets the second Coca-Cola treatment of the night and still looks and sounds like he is scared. Trained Seal plays the sympathy card and tells us that Lee has walking pneumonia. Usher is impressed by Lee’s voice but can smell the fear. “If you don’t believe it they won’t,” he advises Lee, who treats this like something from Socrates. It did the trick though, because Lee is showing lots of energy in this performance. He is showing good range, decent vocals, and he is not trying to swallow the microphone. Wait, is that a goosebump? And Crystal is not performing? How about that! Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 3 check it outs, 2 bombs, and 1 unbelievable. Ellen thought it was the best of the night. Horny Chick thought Lee brought the song into his world, whatever that means. Captain Jack gets all serious when he tells Lee that he has always believed in him even when Lee did not believe in himself and that tonight Lee finally justified that belief by giving a performance that will change his life forever. I told you he was all serious.

Crystal Bowersox, “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Crystal promised some surprises this week and unalike that poser Casey she actually delivered. Not only is Crystal wearing high heels for the first time she is also playing a piano instead of a guitar. Usher thought it was a grand idea (pun semi intended) even though Crystal has not played a piano in years. Her rustiness at the keyboards is evident when she starts the song as Crystal keeps looking at the keyboard instead of at the hand waving audience. She finally gives up and gets off the bench to sing the chorus. The chick back-up singers are a little odd for a song famous for male back-up singers but Crystal is still working the room fairly well. It was not her best performance but she did change up a lot of things and still managed to give a decent performance. She even wore a dress if you can believe it. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves the outfit, and name drops Gladys Knight, who Randy is apparently working with right now, or so he says. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is “in it to win it,” a revelation the rest of us had over a month ago. Horny Chick is happy that someone is actually listening to her. Captain Jack thought the female back-up singers were “old fashioned” but that it was still a great song choice for her. He then gets serious for the second contestant in a row when he tells Crystal to not listen to the idiot next to him and not let “the process” suck her identity out of her. He clearly wants Crystal to win and justify his claim that this is supposed to be a girl’s year. Trained Seal does not think that Crystal would take a bigger risk and wear a one shoulder blouse like the one Horny Chick is wearing. Crystal thought it was cute but did not commit to wearing something like it.

Aaron Kelly, “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers: Usher thought Aaron was incredible and pushed him to make the famous “I know’s” in the song “personal and theatric,” his “personalized moment.” Is it just me or has Usher gotten personal with pretty much all of the contestants? Trained Seal reminds us that Aaron is ditching high school to be on this show, though this time he made no claims that Aaron was sick. He starts out kind of rushed, though he does sell the “I knows” pretty well. No shrieks from the mosh pit though so I am wondering if they were just muted or if there is something wrong. It was your typical Aaron Kelly performance, a decent vocal of a nice and easy ballad. I wonder if Aaron will ever have the courage to defy the judges and the tweeners and do another type of song. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and sort of says that Aaron worked it out. Chicken Little E strains to make another joke about Aaron’s age. Kara liked it but did not love it. Captain Jack thought it was OK but it was a cupcake compared to Lee’s main course, and again utters he belief that the tweener girls will keep in on the show for another week.

We’re out 2 minutes late with only 10 contestants. Release the Kraken!

The Final Score: 22 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 18 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 15 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 11 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 10 shots at the audience, and 21 shots at Usher the personal tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 6 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs yet again, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 20 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 references to dance shows, 2 references to Star Search, 1 tattoo, 1 manslaughter charge, 1 claim about a drinking game, 1 Greek philosopher, 1 broken promise, 1 kept promise, 1 cupcake, and the first goosebump not generated by Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee finally stopped singing like he was in front of a firing squad and was the best of the night. I am forced to agree with Horny Chick that if Lee can do this next week he’ll be back in the title hunt. Andrew finally got the judges to stop comparing his performances to the Horny Chick song by doing the same thing to a Chris Brown song. Michael managed to be romantic without being dramatic and gets the third star.

Idol Gives Back: No surprise that Paige Miles ended up being sent home. None of these chicks can afford to crash and burn like she did last week and expect to stick around. Just as Katie, who found herself again on the hot seat. I avoided picking Teflon Tim because of fears that he would embarrass me as much as he did Captain Jack last week, but I was not surprised to see him there.

The Fearless Prediction: A safe bet is that the bottom 3 will be Tim Urban and 2 chicks, the only guess is which 2 girls will be on the cold seats and which one of them will be sent home. We could see Katie back there again and it would not surprise me if Siobhan shows up there for the first time. Her weirdness can only be overcome if she sings well and she did not do that this week. However, I think there will be another first timer, Didi Benami, who will end up in the bottom 3 and finally sent home tomorrow night. Of course I fully expect that now that I have predicted her departure she will be declared safe to bore us to tears for yet another week.

As If It Is A Big Deal or Something

OK, let’s see if I can finish this before 2:30 AM so I can show up at work on time tomorrow.

I was thinking of writing up a white paper on why I think the tweeners who have taken control of the voting are accelerating the path Idol is taking to cancelation, and why the Idol producers won’t do anything about it, but now I realize that a) it probably doesn't matter what I think and b) it would double the time it will take to write this recap. So I’ll just do my job and save my ranting to perhaps another time.

The remaining 11 contestants are lined up on stage while Trained Seal looms over them from the video board. Downright scary if you ask me. Another scary thing is Trained Seal’s claim that last week the contestants were successful in rocking the Stones. The judges and Ryan are again introduced by the ominous announcer that is never heard from again. Little E walks out on stage looking around in amazement as if she had never been on stage before. Either that or there is a fly buzzing around her head.

Trained Seal breaks kayfabe for the first time this season by saying that the show is live from “Los Angeles” instead of “Hollywood.” There he goes, shattering the dreams of millions of tweeners worldwide who still think Hollywood is some magical place instead of the slum section of L.A. that it really is. Big Sexy reminds us that the loser this week misses out on the summer tour as if it is like a big deal or something. Little E talks about the importance of voting as if it is a big deal or something. Trained Seal tries to provoke Kara to criticize Simon for criticizing her song writing critique. Horny Chick babbles on about how much she knows about song writing though no one can hear her because Captain Jack is talking over her. Looks like Trained Seal plan backfired. After Trained Seal talks about Simon’s revealing V-neck sweater Captain Jack warns Ryan to stay away from his grill. More homo-banter ensues until Trained Seal and Little E exchange a safe kiss. Captain Jack then talks about how being kicked off this week is like getting 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery, as if it is like a bad thing or something. Personally I would love to get 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery. Captain Jack may not need the money but I sure do.

Another first of the season is this week’s tormentor Miley Cyrus. Trained Seal tries to dismiss the questions about whether or not a 17 year old can mentor contestants older than her by claiming that she has “lots of experience” and has “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” Well Miley has not appeared on Dancing with the Stars yet so there is at least one corner of the entertainment world that she has not conquered yet. Miley talks about how seriously she takes her work and how she wants to tell the contestants to just be comfortable and have fun. Is it possible to be both serious and comfortable? Must be that lots of experience talking. Unlike most tormentors Miley actually has the guts to show up in the audience and listen to the contestants sing. Perhaps it is because none of them chose to sing one of Miley’s songs.

Lee DeWyze, “The Letter” by The Box Tops: Miley points out that Lee has not shown any stage presence so far. Glad to see that Miley is providing such sage advice, especially since every American over the age of 13 already knows this. Lee lays out a number of excuses for why he has been so vanilla on stage but in the end he admits that Miley is right. Even though it was announced as a Box Tops song Lee is singing the Joe Cocker version instead, complete with the horns but without the spastic motions. Lee is more or less in tune and on pitch, though he is adding a bunch of new words into the song and flubbing them at that. It was decent but not great, more or less average for him, though Lee showed more personality than usual. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 Lee’s and then claims that Lee “knocked it out.” Little E struggles to compare Lee to her favorite pen that started to run out of ink but then starts to write again. Kara claims that Lee has raised the bar for himself. Captain Jack gets the first of many boos tonight but claiming that Lee’s performance was corny and “not a recording performance,” whatever that means. Trained Seal asks Lee about Captain Jack’s comments from last week when he said that Lee was thinking too much on stage. Lee assures us that he was not thinking at all tonight. Take that for what you will.

During the break we learn that Kris Allen’s car tells him where he can get gasoline in Napa. Glad to see that he is still keeping up the kayfabe and having us believe that he actually drives to his own gigs. When we return Trained Seal brags about how 26 songs by former Idol performers have reached #1 on one of the infinite number of Billboard charts. The real question and the real indicator of how much influence Idol has on the charts is how many of those #1s were not sung by Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Chris Daughtry. I will take the under on that wager.

Paige Miles, “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins: This is the first of two songs tonight that remind me of an ex-girlfriend. Thanks guys, I needed that pick me up. Paige shows off a ring that she stole from a tweener in the audience, which Trained Seal tries to pawn off on Captain Jack. Miley follows the company line by bragging about the power in Paige’s voice, but then breaks kayfabe by pointing out how pitchy Paige is. Paige attributes it to her nervousness. Listen, if you’re nervous singing in front of a 17 year old then there is not much hope that you’ll be comfortable singing for 20 million viewers. Sure enough, Paige is very pitchy right from the first note. She is also racing ahead of the band as if she knows how bad she is singing and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. The pitch gets a little better when she starts shouting the chorus, but then, oops, there goes that note. Oh this was not good, our first train wreck of the season, and not the type of performance someone who was in the final two last week should have. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Paige’s performance to be “honestly…terrible” to only muted boos. Little E compliments Paige for not falling down from her high, high heels but then defers from further comment. Chicken. Hey, I can call her Chicken Little E! Horny Chick complains that Paige stopped listening to the judges, as if it is a big deal or something. Captain Jack asks Paige how she thinks she did. Usually this is a sign that Simon is going to be very negative and wants to avoid being booed. Usually the contestants who are asked this admit that it was not great but that they had fun, as if that is important or something. Neither Paige nor Captain Jack deviated from the script. Paige claimed that she had fun and Captain Jack claimed that the performance was terrible and killed her chances of winning.

During the break we learn that Olive Garden has a cooking school in Tuscany. Tuscany? Really? Is this the Tuscany in Italy or the one in Ohio?

Tim Urban, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen: The tweeners screech when Trained Seal announces his name and now I know why he is still on the show. Miley seems to think that the negative reviews Tim has been getting are because he sings the song straight instead of changing up the arrangement like the others do. So I guess Miley has been watching the show. So of course Tim sings this song straight, though instead of standing still and looking foolish he instead runs around the stage and looks foolish. His electric slide and venture into the mosh pit excites the tweeners though. It was an average vocal but a more animated performance from Tim than usual. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and 1 K-word and then complains about how this is supposed to be a singing competition. Chicken Little E prompts screeches from the audience by claiming that they will love the performance, but she thought it was corny and right out of High School Musical. That explains the screeching. Horny Chick gets booed for claiming that Tim is acting like he is an established artist instead of the loser that she thinks he is. Sounds like someone got rejected “airmail special” to quote the late, great Chick Hearn. Captain Jack says that the slide distracted from the song as if it were a good thing, trashes the song in general, and then tells Tim that he has no chance of winning unless he starts taking singing lessons. Like I've said many times the contestants should stop listening to the Idol vocal coaches if they want to have any chance of winning.

Aaron Kelly, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith: The string of oldies is broken by the youngest competitor. At least I still recognize the artist. During his Coca-Cola treatment we learn that Aaron has caught the laryngitis bug that Paige claimed to have last week and a bout of tonsillitis as well. Aaron is just a little bit intimidated by Miley, being that she is such a big star and everything and he sang Miley’s song “The Climb” at his initial audition. Miley makes a face when Aaron starts singing but then claims it was because she was surprised of how good he sang. It did not look like that kind of face to me. Aaron at least got a hug from his crush. Aaron starts off with a decent low register. He is no Steven Tyler but he is working this song out. Ballads are clearly his thing, especially since the tweeners love the chance to waive their arms. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and while it was not perfect it was much better than the previous 2 singers. Chicken Little E thought it was the perfect song choice, blames the pitchiness on Aaron’s various illnesses, and talks about how she can see his career already even though he is still in the third grade. Horny Chick loves Aaron’s consistency, his country twang, and something else that I missed because the piano player decided to start rehearsing at that moment. Captain Jack gets booed for saying the performance was old fashioned but gets cheered for saying the obvious, that Aaron has “zero chance of going home.” Trained Seal introduces Aaron’s phone number by saying “if you want to vote for David Archuleta here.” That only confirms to me that Aaron is destined for the Top 5 no matter how bad he sings.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin: I figured it was only a matter of time before Crystal sang a Janis Joplin song. Miley of course thinks this is the perfect song for Crystal but that she needs to be more animated. Crystal gets Miley to sign her guitar and join the other famous female artists who have added their autograph to it. Famous being a relative term. Crystal starts out quiet with only her guitar until the band jumps in at the chorus. Crystal was worried that she would not be able to hit the high notes at the end of the song but she seems to be doing alright to me. She is even a little bit animated. Nice, bluesy performance. I think I even feel a goosebump. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Crystal to be a star. Chicken Little E thought of Crystal when she heard this song on the radio but thought she was still a little too reserved on stage. Horny Chick thinks Crystal needs to put the guitar down and just let herself go. Crystal responds by promising something big for next week. With that and Casey’s promise to reveal his pre-performance ritual if he makes the Top 10 next week should be a dosey of a show. Simon basically says that the chick judges are idiots and that Crystal should not change a thing. He then compliments Crystal for not running around and sliding on stage and declares this version to be the best one he has ever heard.

Michael Lynche, “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge: Idol’s resident Casanova is Miley’s favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. Instead he gave her two big ole bear hugs. Miley was also impressed that Mike made eye contact with her while he was singing instead of looking away in fear like everybody else. Mike wants to speak to all of the lovers out there, including presumably the 17 year old Miley Cyrus, so he chooses a song that is almost three times Miley’s age. The string quartet is back along with the screeches that both accompany Michael’s torch ballad right from the start. It was the usual from Big Mike, OK vocal, strong performance. He still seems to be the only one who feels comfortable on stage. In a way it reminds me of Adam Lambert, who also had OK vocals but much better performing skills than anyone else in the competition. I bet you didn't see that reference coming. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and lauds how Michael knows who he is even though it was only an OK song choice. Chicken Little E is still in love but thought it was safe like driving the speed limit. Horny Chick dares to anger the tweeners but describing Michael’s performance as boring, loungy, and over-indulgent. Horny Chick must be getting frustrated by all of these rejections. Captain Jack actually agrees with Kara for once and then suggested that it would have been better had Michael sung the song without the band. He then babbles on with some more technical stuff that was too boring to write down and then Captain Jack takes a shot at Trained Seal when he says how glad he is that he could talk to Michael without interruption for once.

Andrew Garcia, “I Heard It through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye: Andrew thought it was cool to be mentored by Miley, someone “at that level.” Which level he did not elaborate. Miley senses that Andrew was too intimidated being in her presence since he keeps forgetting the words, so she suggests that Andrew put the guitar down by telling him that the chicks will dig him for it. I am not sure that it helped but Andrew at least got a hug from Miley for doing it. It is an interesting arrangement that gets spoiled by Andrew’s pitchiness. Both Andrew and the band are clearly having fun with this song, which as we all know is important to these contestants but seems strangely inappropriate while singing a song about a guy who learns that his girl has been cheating on him. Decent vocal though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and is disappointed by Andrew and his song choice. Andrew offers to kiss Big Sexy but that does not seem to help. Chicken Little E still loves Andrew but didn't think he would win over any new fans with that performance. Horny Chick feels sorry for Andrew because he seems to have lost himself and feels sick about having to bring up his performance of the Drunk Chick song again. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that Drunk Chick’s song is overrated, but then the audience gets eerily silent when the Captain rips into Andrew for destroying and sucking the life out of the song and for still not knowing what kind of artist he wants to be, except for perhaps making a living singing Drunk Chick songs. Andrew looks really upset about this and claims to Trained Seal that he does know who he is, though again he chooses not to elaborate.

Katie Stevens, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie, not The Four Seasons: I would have thought given Katie’s preference for older songs that she would have chosen the Four Seasons song, but I guess the presence of a tormentor who is the same age as her finally inspired Katie to take Chicken Little E’s advice and go younger. Miley offers little in the way of musical advice to Katie; instead they talk about boys and how to deal with criticism. Haven’t I been saying for weeks that Katie should just stop listening to the judges? I am only trying to help. Once again Katie starts the song in her low register, though this time I can actually hear the pitchiness that Big Sexy has been hearing for weeks. When she got to the loud notes her pitch was better though not great. Maybe she was distracted by her hair that kept trying to fall into her mouth. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and thought it was too sharp. He did think that it was cool that Katie went young with both her song and her outfit. I think that is a little too creepy. Chicken Little E thought it was the best performance of the night, probably because of the young outfit, and called Katie the Dakota Fanning of American Idol, probably again because of the young outfit. Horny Chick starts her critique by challenging Captain Jack’s assessment that Katie is a country singer. That must have been on one of the audition shows that I missed because I do not remember hearing Simon say that. Captain Jack acts like he does not remember this comment either. Horny Chick then lauds Katie for finally feeling the song and realizing where she belongs, and oh by the way Katie has major pitch problems. Captain Jack thought it was a good performance and that meeting Miley was the best thing for Katie, but he still does not think Katie has found herself as an artist.

Casey Jones, “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News: This is the second song that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend, and of course it is performed by one of my least favorite contestants. I think he is torturing me in purpose. Casey tells Trained Seal during his Coca-Cola treatment that he will own this song, then after Miley recommends that Casey make more eye contact with the audience Casey claims he was going to do that anyway. Of course you were, Casey. Casey also tries to be funny by saying that he is a big fan of Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus. No hug from Miley for this poser. The electric guitar is back again but Casey again waits until the end for the self-indulgent guitar solo. His pitch is OK but there is no power in his voice, and this after Casey claimed in his video that he chose this song because of its power. The tweeners dig it of course. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares that Casey is the greatest guitar player in the history of the show. Did he not just remind everybody that this is supposed to be a singing competition? And isn't it a little unfair to declare Casey the greatest Idol guitar player ever when the contestants were not allowed to play guitars until Season 7? Someone is not paying attention here and it is not me. It’s not Chicken Little E either after she says that this was the best performance of the night. Horny Chick thinks that Casey is on another level and in the zone, so I guess there is at least one contestant that is still taking Horny Chick’s sexting messages. Captain Jack does not want to get personal, with Casey at least, but wonders what twilight zone Horny Chick is listening to these songs in. The Captain gets booed by the audience and the other judges when he says that Casey is not current, not different, and sang like an 80’s cover band. But maybe it is because he is English. Trained Seal cannot understand why Captain Jack and Horny Chick can be hearing two different songs at the same time. One word for you Ryan: hormones.

Didi Benami, “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt: Miley loves Didi’s vibrato, which must be Italian for “pitchy”. Didi and Miley talk about how to overcome nervousness on stage, so Didi chose this song to sing at her nerves because they are no good. Seriously, that is what she said. Didi starts the song way off pitch, perhaps Trained Seal’s mispronunciation of her last name made her nervous. The chorus is a little better but not by much. The sultry arrangement is interesting but a very bad fit for Didi’s flighty voice. She is trying very hard to make this work but for me it is not, though if you like her other performances you would like this one too. Big Sexy utters 1 yo but then more or less agrees with me. Ellen more or less agrees with me too. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Didi of performing instead of singing and for being too dramatic. Captain Jack picks up on the acting theme by accusing Didi of taking Lacey’s role as the resident actress and singing the song as if it were the last act prior to the intermission. He too gets booed for his efforts. The Captain also plays the irony card and claims that it was ironic that Didi was screeching “you’re no good” over and over. Didi plays the desperate card by fighting back; claiming that she chose the song to do something different and to, you guessed it, have fun. That is the problem with this show right now, there is too many contestants having fun and not enough contestants who have musical talent.

Siobhan Magnus, “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder: Trained Seal and the band put on shades to shield their eyes from Siobhan’s 80’s style Flock of Seagulls hairdo. Molly Ringwald called and she wants her haircut back, after she voted of course. Miley likes the swagger in Siobhan’s voice, and judging from Siobhan’s reaction it was probably the first time she heard the word “swagger” used in reference to her. Siobhan also finally admits that she knows she has been different her entire life. I admire her courage to admit that while competing for the votes of tweeners in a singing competition. Other than being more melodic than usual it is a typical Siobhan performance, decent signing, lots of range, good tone, and a big scream at the end. This scream though sounded a lot more strained than the others. I could feel the goosebumps coming but the scream chased them away. Big Sexy did not utter a single yo, the only time tonight that this happened, and instead lauds Siobhan’s inspiring fearlessness. I’m not sure if he was referring to the hairdo or the scream. Chicken Little E tries to be funny by reciting a line for a 40 year old musical, quoting Oliver by asking “more please.” Horny Chick thought the scream at the end was amazing, and I too now wonder what planet she is listening to these performances from. Captain Jack again claims that some people will love it and some people will hate it and suggests that Siobhan considered screaming at the beginning of the song instead of at the end just to change things up a bit. Siobhan told Trained Seal that if she had a choice she would scream the entire song, and here I was just beginning to like her.

The Final Score: 20 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 12 shots at the audience, 1 shot at the Idol vocal coaches, and 13 shots at Miley Cyrus the tormentor. There were 6 references to former Idol contestants, 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 10 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs (Steve Jobs must no longer be watching), 1 name drop (almost missed Chicken Little E's dropping of Dakota Fanning), 2 K-word utterances, 17 yo’s from Big Sexy, 10 old-fashioned songs (11 if you count the new song by the old-fashioned artist, yeah I’m referring to you Aerosmith), 2 songs with sad associations for yours truly, 2 kayfabe breaks, 1 kayfabe maintained, 1 struggled metaphor, 1 train wreck, 1 restaurant challenge, 1 reference to High School Musical, 1 reference to Casanova, and another lonely goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox once again gets the top star for being again the only singer to inspire a goosebump. Aaron Kelly is still far from the best singer in the competition but he has clearly found his niche with the ballads that the tweeners love and his voice can actually sing. I was one scream away from awarding the third star to Siobhan Magnus but that scream scared me into the big arms of big Michael Lynche, who gets the third star instead.

Idol Gives Back: I was not surprised to see Lacey, Paige, and Tim in the relegation zone but I was surprised that Lacey was the one sent home. But because I have not seen most of Tim’s performances I had not noticed until tonight how much the tweener girls screech when they hear his name. After hearing that I am not so surprised to see him still here. I still think Tim has no chance of winning but I suspect he will be on the show for a few more weeks than I had first thought he would be.

The Fearless Prediction: Do I dare tempt fate and predict that Didi will be sent home? No, I’m not going that far, but I would guess that she is relegation zone material. I am going to give Tim a break and not predict that he will be relegated and instead try Andrew again because the screeches for him were less than the ones for Tim. However, all of contestants had to feel like they were playing with house money after Paige butchered the Phil Collins song just a week after being in the bottom 2. If a decent performance last week could not get her out of the relegation zone then I cannot see how an indecent performance this week will keep her from being sent home and off the summer tour, not that it is a big deal or anything.

It's now 2:15 AM, which means I beat my deadline by 15 minutes. Not that this will make tomorrow any easier....

Gimme Shelter from the Intensity

OK, we have finally reached the sort of big stage with the stairs, the band in the catwalks, the mosh pit full of tweener girls, and the guy with the deep voice introducing Ryan and the judges. What is new this year is the screams from the tweeners being piped in during the opening credits, drowning out the theme song that millions sing in the shower on Wednesday mornings. You may remember that after Adam Lambert rocked the stairs during one of his performances last season Trained Seal gave up entering the stage from the stairs. It is a new season though, so Ryan is back strutting down the stairs to start the show. He is actually fired up as he asks for another round of screams for the judges.

On the Tonight Show Horny Chick told Jay that she thinks a guy will win this season. This of course is at variance with Captain Jack’s earlier statements that a girl will win this season. Not that it matters since the producers and the tweeners ultimately get to decide, but I cannot help but wonder if there are some personal biases at work here and that the judges are trying to use the media to taint the jury pool.

Tonight’s theme is music by the Rolling Stones, or “the Jagger/Richards songbook” as Trained Seal called it later in the show. Ryan called the Stones “the most iconic band on the planet, period.” There goes any chance the producers had of convincing Bono or U2 to be a tormentor this season. After Idol contestants butchered Michael Jackson songs last year and Beatles songs two years ago the Stones were about the only artist left that had at least 12 songs that could be re-arranged into something dull but “contemporary.” Both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards took a pass as being tormentors and it seems that Steven Tyler had other plans this past week, so I am left without a convenient punching bag. At least they did not try to have Charlie Watts give some advice.

Michael Lynche, “Miss You”: The producers clearly do not want Michael to win since they keep putting him on first. Tonight we hear about the contestant’s childhoods in their intro videos. Michael for instance was headed for a career in football until his mother passed away. In honor of her Mike put away the pads and strapped on a guitar instead, much to the surprise of his wife. Perhaps she had been counting on those luxury box seats. Big Mike switched up the arrangement from the original, the first of many to do so tonight. Mike added a little bit of R&B flavor to the song, a good choice given how different his voice is from Mick’s. As usual Mike is strutting his stuff on stage. The vocal is OK but nothing special. He performed the song well if not sing it well. Big Sexy starts the judges’ comments by telling Mike that he “slayed it” though Randy was not too crazy about the arrangement. Ellen gets screeches from the mosh pit but does not saying anything of note. Horny Chick gives about 20 props to Mick before finally getting around to telling Mike that he was “hot on stage.” Captain Jack thought Mike’s performance was “corny,” though unlike his comment to Katelyn two weeks ago he did not mean this as a compliment. He also thought the performance was “a tiny bit desperate.” After the bumper music Trained Seal challenges Simon on the desperate comment. After Simon asks if Ryan wants him to talk to Mike or to him, Trained Seal gets into Captain Jack’s grill and tells Simon that he is only trying to help Mike. The Captain quickly backs away, looking shocked at Trained Seal’s newfound aggressiveness. It seems like Ryan has been more aggressive in attacking Simon’s comments ever since Captain Jack announced that he was leaving after this season. Either that or there is some new sexual tension at play here. Captain Jack did invite the ambiguously gay Trained Seal to come to his trailer after the show to straighten things out.

Didi Benami, “Play with Fire”: Didi told Trained Seal during her Coca-Cola treatment that her mom refuses to watch the show in person because she is too nervous about the judges’ comments. If only Drunk Chick were still around, then perhaps Didi’s mom would feel more comfortable, at least until the camera inevitably finds her in the audience. Mom gets even with Didi by revealing in her video that Didi was a “high needs baby.” Didi initially turns the song into a torch ballad with a number of pitch problems that remind me how much I do not like her voice. The pitchiness continues through most of the songs, except for perhaps the shouting she did for the chorus. The mosh pit loves the shouting of course, and greet the pitchy verses with waiving hands. The arrangement was interesting but her pitch was all over the map. As you can probably guess by now, Big Sexy comments on the pitchy song performance by declaring it was “on fire.” Only now as I type this do I realize Big Sexy was attempting to be ironic. Little E thought Didi got lost but managed to find her way back, all without leaving the stage. Horny Chick thought Didi pushed the vocals but admired her intensity, another common theme that Kara would harp on for most of the night. Simon more or less agreed with the others. When Trained Seal asked Didi to explain why she chose a darker song than usual she first tried to blame her new roommate Siobhan and then claims it is because L.A. is a much tougher town that her hometown in Tennessee.

Casey James, “It’s All Over Now”: Casey continues to earn negative points in my book by talking about how he is from Cool, Texas, how he was raised by a single mom, and how he survived seizures as a child. So he is a sob story as well as a poser. Great. Casey tempts fate by bringing back the electric guitar, though this time he has the courtesy to wait until the end of the song for his self-indulgent guitar solo. Casey is in tune, on pitch, and clearly having fun on stage, so I will give him credit for that albeit reluctantly. His performance has sort of a Garth Brooks sound to it. The vocals were a little flat but overall it was OK. Big Sexy name drops Kenny Wayne Sheppard and another guy that I could not interpret. Little E thought it was fantastic and that the hearts of “most women” everywhere where racing except “for people like me… blondes.” Don’t ask, don’t tell, Idol style. Horny Chick is back full on the Casey train and declares him to be a real rock star with his best performance “since we met.” All of America asks: “what does she mean by ‘we’?” Captain Jack thought Casey looked great and sang well but that it was like an audition performance, not the star performance that Horny Chick was watching. Trained Seal talks to Casey about whether or not he and Little E are natural blondes. Casey of course claims that he is.

Lacey Brown, “Ruby Tuesday”: After the first iTunes plug of the night from Trained Seal, Lacey and her parents talk about how shy Lacey was when she was a kid and about how their family spends so much time at the church where her parents are both pastors. Imagine growing up with two parents who are both ministers. No wonder Lacey dyed her hair beet red after she left home. Instead of Ricky and the band Lacey performs the song with a string quartet, but this is hardly a chamber music arrangement. Instead it is the quirky style that she has become famous for ever since Horny Chick told her to stop singing Stevie Nicks songs. She is also back sitting on the stage during the song, probably because Horny Chick complimented her about doing that last week. I think it is fair to say which judge Lacey pays attentions to. It was real pitchy to start but unlike Didi Lacey manages to work her way out of pitchville. It was alright for what it was, and with Lilly Scott no longer in the picture quirkiness could take her deep into the competition. Big Sexy thought it was the most “interesting” performance of the night, a Drunk Chick way of criticizing the performance without getting booed. Ellen thought it was weird that Lacey stood up during the slow part and sat down during the fast part, which makes sense but doesn't matter since Lacey does not listen to Little E anyway. Horny Chick liked the drama but heard some missed notes, so she is 50/50 overall. Let us see if Lacey can make sense out of that. Captain Jack thought Lacey was right with the vocals, and then verbally strips Lacey raw by talking about how she performs like an actress, very precise, very thought-thru, and too overthinking. Lacey has no choice but to admit the Trained Seal that Captain Jack was right, so Ryan helps her out by showing her the rest of the stage.

Andrew Garcia, “Gimme Shelter”: OK, let’s see how this guy handles a song originally performed by a bunch of dudes. Andrew’s dad brings up the gang thing again, and then says what the SEIU might think is a racist comment by telling us that he thought Andrew would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. The music starts kind of space agey with the synthesizer and I am thinking the worst. This is not the kind of song that you would want to do in New Age style. Thankfully Andrew does not go down that path and instead chooses to play it straight, albeit without the grit that we are all used to hearing from Mick and his many imitators. Overall it was a solid performance, his best since the performance of the Drunk Chick song. Big Sexy of course thought it was too pitchy. Little E agreed with me, but what does she know? The song did not connect with Horny Chick because it is about war and Andrew did not sing it as if he were at war, leading to this priceless exchange between her and Captain Jack:

Simon: “What was he supposed to do?”
Kara: “I just wanted more intensity!”
Simon: “You want him to come on stage with a tank or something?”

Long, uncomfortable silence follows…

Horny Chick continues to try to justify her intensity comment by debating with Captain Jack about how intense the Stones were and how she is taking things too literally. All the while Trained Seal is shouting off mic that Horny Chick seems angry. Simon finally gets around to telling Andrew that he was in the middle on the performance but liked that Andrew showed a lot of effort and that he was finally venturing away from Drunk Chick’s songs.

Come to think of it, wouldn't it be cool if some actually did come on stage with a tank? Just think of all the stupid shoot the judges comments that would elicit?

I've been typing this for almost two hours now and I am not even halfway through. I hope Carson Daly has some good guests tonight.

Katie Stevens, “Wild Horses”: During her Coca-Cola treatment Katie talks about how much the song means to her because wild horses cannot drag her away from Idol. She also passed Trained Seal’s test by correctly identifying Mick Jagger as the lead singer of the Rolling Stones. Katie is wearing some quirky paper dress that Bjork would be proud to wear, the second time this season I have referenced the Icelander. She starts in her low register again that I like but Big Sexy does not. Katie sounds even older than usual but since this song is twice her age it is not so bad. The crowd is waving their hands again to this torch ballad. Overall it was a good vocal, probably her best of the live shows. All season the judges have been complaining that she sounds too old and that she doesn't know what kind of artist she wants to be, when all along the type of artist she wants to be is an older one. Big Sexy talks about all the misdirections the judges have been giving Katie but stops short to admitting his own guilt. Little E makes a snide comment about the dress and thought it sounded good, and did not say anything about Katie’s age. I guess she got the hint. Horny Chick thought the melody went in the right direction. I guess she did not get the memo about providing Katie with more cogent comments. Captain Jack liked the song choice and, after name dropping Susan Boyle, tells Katie that she finally connected with her song, eliciting a quick “yes” from the contestant.

Tim Urban, “Under My Thumb”: After iTunes #2 Trained Seal declares Tim “The Comeback Kid”, though what he came back from I am not sure. Tim is our second acoustic guitar performer of the night and about the sixth pitchy performance of the night, or maybe it is just the wrong key. Tim changed the song into a reggae number even though he is not a reggae singer. This was just weird, the facial expressions, the arrangement, even the vocals. If he really wanted to do a Stones song reggae style he should have tried “Sympathy with the Devil” instead. Big Sexy too thought it was bizarre and gets booed for keeping it real. Little E boos herself, and then imitates Captain Jack by talking about how she was thinking about pina coladas during Tim’s performance. Horny Chick tries to be polite by applauding him for trying something different. Captain Jack starts out nice by agreeing with Kara and then rips into Tim for making a crazy decision that likely caused Stones fans to turn the TV off. I believe that happened about an hour before Tim took the stage. Even Trained Seal gets into the act, openly wondering what the Stones think about how Tim butchered their song.

Siobhan Magnus, “Paint It Black”: You know, as soon as I heard that this was Rolling Stones week my first thought was “I bet Siobhan is going to sing ‘Paint It Black’.” Either Siobhan is not as unpredictable as the judges claim she is or I have been paying too much attention to this show. I read another Idol blog that claimed that Siobhan’s dad looked like Brian Johnson from AC/DC and now I cannot help but notice the similarities. Siobhan is wearing the same type of light dress as Katie but of course it is painted black. She starts with a slow arrangement that would be at home in a Tim Burton movie. Then the band kicks in to make it faster but just as spooky. I just started feeling goosebumps when Siobhan spoils it by straining her voice, but then she brings it back with another big, long, loud note that surpassed the one she did two weeks ago. She finishes up with a slow haunting finish and, hey, there is a goosebump. Best of the night so far. Big Sexy praises Siobhan for “bringing the drama to American Idol!” Little E loves everything and loves how Siobhan stands out in a crowd like Snookie’s Poof. OK, you got me with that one. Horny Chick is having an Adam Lambert flashback. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night but wonders if Siobhan thinks she has to scream at the end of every song now. Trained Seal brings out Siobhan’s glasses and gets her to admit that she sings without glasses or contacts. The legend of Siobhan grows.

Lee DeWyne, “Beast of Burden”: Apparently the hard life that Lee hinted at last week has something to do with his time working in a paint store. Like Katie’s Coca-Cola treatment, Trained Seal puts Lee to the test by asking him colors for Snuggle Puss and Cupid’s Dart. Lee gets one of out two correct, and Trained Seal acts all smug like Alex Trebek. Before he starts Trained Seal warns us about how nervous Lee is and all of America wonders if this is a set up or an upcoming train wreck. Lee is strumming along slow and steady, kind of like Dave Matthews singing a Jack Johnson song. Now I am name dropping. Lee does not seem all that nervous, except for the slurred lyrics and another attempt to swallow the microphone. The vocal was decent though the arrangement was kind of dull. Hence my name drops. Big Sexy thought it was “dope” and name drops Rob Thomas along with Dave Matthews. Little E thought it was a great but a little short of complete like a hospital gown. Somebody has been peeking into Captain Jack’s bag of analogies. Horny Chick thought Lee has been growing more than anybody but does not say anything about the performance. Captain Jack, for about the fifth time tonight, starts with a compliment about how good his voice is, but then rips him bare by telling Lee that he is hiding his personality and is singing like he thinks others are better than him. Maybe I should start calling Simon Dr. Jack, psychiatrist to the wanna-be stars. Trained Seal tries to throw a bone to Lee by asking about how his nervousness may have affected his performance, but instead of answering straight up Lee talks about how he chose the song.

Paige Miles, “Honky Tonk Woman”: Paige tries to claim the sympathy vote from Casey by talking about how her dad died when she was 4. At this point she needs all the votes she can get. Paige wisely changes up the lyrics, first singing about a “honky tonk man” and then changes them again to sing about how she is a honky tonk woman. I admire her logic. For once we are finally hearing the strong voice that the judges have been claiming for weeks that she has. But it is it too little too late? Big Sexy thought she had worked it out, though this time he did not exactly say that, but he wanted to see more energy. Little E mentions that Paige had problems with her voice this week, which was news to Big Sexy. Now we know which judges go to rehearsal and which one does not. Horny Chick thought Paige was a little lost but admired her effort with her voice problems. The chick judges sound rather desperate to keep Paige on the show since they keep bringing up this mysterious voice problem. Captain Jack was happy that Paige finally validated all of his comments about her great voice. Trained Seal continues the sympathy drive by pointing out that Paige’s voice was so bad that she had to skip rehearsals.

Aaron Kelly, “Angie”: In his video Aaron talks about coming from a 50 house town. Is it me or is every contestant this season from a small town? After his mom tells us that Aaron was adopted Aaron wonders where he got his singing ability from since his mother doesn't sing. I wonder if Aaron knows that he is an adopted child. Either Aaron or Ricky and the band started early, I’m not sure which, but after a few notes Aaron and the band kiss and make up. His vocal is only so-so but that does not stop the mosh pit from waving their arms again. It was just OK for me. Big Sexy though loved the tender moments and name drops Rascal Flatts and Justin Timberlake. Little E accuses Aaron of copying her hair style but still loved the performance and the song choice. Horny Chick thinks Aaron showed her up this week after she trashed him last week even though the performances were not that much different. Captain Jack didn't get the Justin vibe that Big Sexy did but admired Aaron’s effort and his wisdom in choosing a song that he could sing with his girly voice. Trained Seal tries to help Aaron by asking him how difficult it was to learn the song.

Crystal Bowersox, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”: The producers clearly want Crystal to win since they keep putting her on last. Her dad talks about her days as Crystal’s roadie and how touched he was when Crystal wrote a sing about her. She changed up the arrangement, making it 12 for 12 for the night, by ditching the choir and bringing out the acoustic guitar with someone’s signature on it. The audience claps along to Crystal’s steady beat until the band kicks in at the second verse to drown them out. Crystal starts to boogie with Ricky and the band, I think the first time I have heard her do that. It was well done as usual, with kind of a Melissa Etheridge feel to it. Big Sexy was not amazed but not disappointed either. Ellen saw some personality too. Crystal tries to explain her lack of personality in her earlier performances by talking about how she thinks too much when she performs, so Little E tells all the kids out there that “no one should think.” As it is now close to 1:30 AM this comment has more meaning to me than it did at 9:52 PM. Kara agrees with Ellen. Captain Jack asks Crystal why she thinks she is overthinking, which Crystal explains is because she has a lot on her mind. Trained Seal restrains himself and does not ask Crystal what she has been thinking about. The Captain then talks about how Crystal had been the favorite coming into the finals but that Siobhan had out sang her tonight. Crystal denies that she is the favorite, perhaps a smart move given what has happened to the favorites in seasons past, but thanks Captain Jack for saying that.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 21 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 14 shots at Little E Ellen; 5 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 9 shots at the audience. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 34 references to other non-Idol performers (no wonder this took so long to type), and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 12 changed arrangements, 10 name drops (including mine), 1 self-indulgent guitar solo, 3 acoustic guitars that were seen but not heard, 2 pop quizzes, 2 lost and found contestants, 1 gang reference, 1 union reference, and one lonely goosebump. And nobody dared to take on "Satisfaction".

Your 3 Stars of the Night: If Siobhan were not so, well, weird she would be the morning line favorite, but as it is she was the best on this night. Michael and Crystal were their usual solid selves, and Paige earned an honorable mention for finally showing America that she can actually sing.

Idol Gives Back: Check out my last post. I pretty much covered everything I needed to say there.

The Fearless Prediction: Almost everybody did a decent job tonight, everyone that is except for Mr. Urban and his grimacing reggae performance. I suspect Andrew will be in the bottom 3 only because the producers hinted that he was in trouble last week and he didn't exactly blow it out of the box tonight. Joining him in the relegation zone will probably be Paige, though I can see either Katie or Lacey being there instead. It'll be a chick anyway. The other dudes have too much appeal to the tweener girls to be in danger of leaving now. Yeah, I'm talking to you Aaron. That leaves Tim. He was the only one that Little E criticized, and even Trained Seal got into the act while claiming that he is only trying to help the contestants. I am a little nervous picking Tim because he has managed to survive 4 weeks longer than he should have. I can only assume that it is because the tweener girls seem to like him. However, I cannot in good conscience choose anyone else, so I predict that Tim Urban will be sent home tomorrow night.

It’s time for Last Call with Carson Daly, who has ditched the audience and is now doing his show documentary style. Boy Ellen Barkin is starting to look old. Michelle Pfeiffer is still looking fine though. Alright, I’m getting punchy now so good night from the armchair.

They're Crazy and They're Kooky

First a quick Idol Gives Back review of tonight's cast-offs. Alex Lambert did not surprise me. He never did show off the supposedly great voice that the judges kept claiming he had. If you don't have the nerves to sing in front of a bunch of tweeners who cheer everything you sing no matter how bad, then perhaps you should consider another line of work. Todrick Hall's departure did not surprise me that much. Maybe if my DVR had allowed me to see Tim Urban's performance I might have picked Todrick to go instead. That blasted machine is just destroying my batting average. It's too bad to some degree because Todrick was one of the few guys who actually seemed to enjoy being on stage. Katelyn Epperly's departure is as sure a sign as any that the tweeners have taken over the voting, as they have systematically removed all of the female eye candy that Simon and the producers shoehorned into the Top 24. All we are left with are teenagers and weird indie types, which is what makes Lilly Scott's departure so surprising. Not that she had any chance of winning with all of the other weird indie types still in the field, but I would have thought that she would have stuck around at least long enough to make the summer tour. I find it funny that Lilly didn't know what America wants to hear, because indie artists like she claims to be are not supposed to care about stuff like that, or else they would be pop artists and not indie artists. Isn't that what makes an indie artist, well, indie?

So now we are down to the final 12, and in no particular order here are the pros and cons of each of them as it related to their chances of winning this thing:

Michael Lynche
Pro: He's got a good voice, he's comfortable on stage, and he's got an engaging back story that all together have him as the current favorite.
Con: One year ago tonight you could have said the exact same thing about Danny Gokey. At least Big Mike doesn't have to worry about Paula the Angel of Death picking his song when they get to the top 3.

Crystal Bowersox
Pro: Like Mike she has a good voice and is comfortable on stage, and in a year when the producers want a chick to win she is the best of the bunch.
Con: It's hard to imagine someone who sings in subways winning American Idol. Being talented and different can only get you so far on this show, just ask Adam Lambert, or Lilly Scott.

Casey James
Pro: Chicks dig the eye candy, and chicks control the voting.
Con: He's still a poser, and chicks catch on to that pretty darn quickly.

Siobhan Magnus
Pro: With all due respect to what the judges think about Paige Miles, Siobhan has the best female singing voice in the competition.
Con: She is, how should I say it, kind of weird.

Lee Dewyze
Pro: Has been consistently solid, though not spectacular, so far in the live shows.
Con: It'll take more than that to win this competition; consistency is not that important to the ADD kids who text in millions of times.

Katie Stevens
Pro: She has a good voice and is the same age as Idol's #1 demographic.
Con: She keeps trying to make the judges happy, and if there is anything the judges hate it is someone who keeps trying to do what they say.

Andrew Garcia
Pro: Has shown some creativity in his song choices, reminiscent of Kris Allen.
Con: No one is going to notice his creativity if he keeps picking songs originally sung by women.

Didi Benami
Pro: She acts like Brooke White and sings like Megan Corkrey, two prior Idol contestants who lasted far longer than they should have.
Con: Neither of those two won.

Aaron Kelly
Pro: He's cute and a teenager, two things both the cougars and the tweeners love.
Con: Nobody is voting for this kid because of his vocal talent, at least as long as he keeps singing like he's in a HS musical.

Lacey Brown
Pro: Now that the judges have told her what type of artist she should be her performances have been much more focused.
Con: One trick ponies have a limited life span on this show, just ask Chris Daughtry.

Tim Urban
Pro: He has actually shown some improvement during the live shows.
Con: He is still playing with the house money, and the house always gets their money back.

Paige Miles
Pro: Has a nice voice and isn't as quirky as all of the other girl contestants.
Con: Can't seem to pick a good song to save her life. Maybe the theme weeks will help her focus on choosing a good song, but God help her when they get to iTunes week.

While it is clear that Michael and Crystal are the favorites to win, there is no guarantees at this stage. Remember that Danny Gokey, David Archuleta, LaKesha Jones, and Chris Daughtry were all declared the ones to beat at this stage of the competition and none of them went on to win, and only Wonder Boy made it to the final 2. So we'll see. Now that the competitions will be only on Tuesday nights hopefully the curse that seems to be affecting my DVR on Wednesday's will stay that way. We'll see about that too.

Somebody Call A Lawyer

Well, once again my non-Idol live interfered with my Idol life, and once again my DVR decided not to cooperate. It seems that it thought Idol began and ended at 5 PM today, so that is what it recorded. To make matters worse, it seems the DVR has forgotten how to pause or rewind during the show, at least on Wednesdays. Since I did not get in until 9:30 I only got to see half the show and thus can only offer up half a recap. The DVR does seem to work on Tuesdays, so thank goodness this is the last Wednesday live show.

Casey James, joined in progress: … his tone and pitch are good albeit a bit boring. A little bit of pitchiness at the end but otherwise it was OK, at least the 45 seconds or so that I was allowed to see. Big Sexy thought the song choice was safe and name drops Stevie Ray Vaughn will telling Casey what type of artist he should be. Don’t listen to him Casey… Little E thinks Casey sings better singing down. Horny Chick tries to hide her hormones by claiming she is only “partially” back on board the Casey train because he didn't act like a poser like last week. I guess that means Casey is getting to second base after striking out last week. Captain Jack thought the performance made him sincere (i.e. not a poser) but that it was still forgettable. Casey made have hide his poserness this week but it is only a matter of time before it rears its ugly head again. Maybe that is what he is keeping in the box.

Aaron Kelly, “I’m Already There” by Lonestar: The BBC mentioned that a Lonestar song was a big hit 10 years ago today and I’m thinking “who the bloody hell is Lonestar?” Then young Aaron decides to sing a Lonestar song tonight. Who are these guys? Aaron’s vocal is very weak to start, but I am not sure if it is because of nerves or a bad song choice. The big vocal chorus is not so big, sad to say. Overall the vocal was decent but for me rather flat. The tweener girls of course love it, so I won’t be selecting him to go home tomorrow. Big Sexy thought it was great except for the low notes at the start. I guess he stopped listening after the first verse. Little E loves little Aaron and for the third straight week asks Aaron how old he is. He’s 16! Pay attention! Clearly Little E is not since she then talks about how Aaron stands on stage like he is 30, but then she says that the song was too big for him and gets booed. Me thinks Aaron will go far in this competition in spite of his lack of vocal talent. Horny Chick doesn't think Aaron can relate to the song because he is 16 and is trying to sing a song about a father talking to his children over the phone. Aaron tries to explain to Trained Seal that he was only trying to tell a story. Captain Jack goes on the offensive and calls Kara’s comment “rubbish.” He did not like the vocal but admired Aaron’s effort to show some emotion even though he’s about 15 years away from being able to relate to the song.

Todrick Hall, “Somebody to Love” by Queen: This is the song that Captain Jack thought Allison Iraheta should have sung last season instead of the Jefferson Airplane one or the Janis Joplin song she ended up singing. Todrick starts off really pitchy, but so did the back-up singers so it does not stand out as much. He gets only slightly better as he moves through the song. Todrick also avoids taking after Horny Chick and try and dance, though he gets on his knees to milk some squeals from the tweeners. He is no Freddie Mercury, but unlike Freddie I can understand all of the words that he is signing, so he deserves some kudos for that. Big Sexy declares that “Todrick is back” and finally realizes that Todrick can sing. He must have been daydreaming or something. Little E thought it was a brave song choice and praised him for making it sound “sort-of” gospel. Horny Chick could not decide whether she should laugh at his performance or love it, and then tried to claim that this was a compliment. Captain Jack was happy that Todrick didn't play a guitar sitting on a stool, a backhanded shot at Casey, and then tells Todrick that he should be a Broadway performer because he can sort of sing and sort of dance.

Michael Lynche, “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell: Big Mike keeps tempting fate by selecting songs with titles that could offend feminists, not to mention Little E. I guess he does not realize that women and their tweener daughters control the voting on this show. Michael starts with a really good falsetto that should not be coming out of the mouth of someone who weighs more than me. Mike amazes me more by getting all dramatic with the chorus and ending with big note. Damn, that was good soulful R&B; best of the 4 I heard by a country mile. Unlike scary Lilly last night Michael took the closer spot and ate it for lunch. Big Sexy cannot believe that Michael sang so well, really! Ellen thought it was beautiful. Horny Chick plays the Drunk Chick part and starts crying because the song was so relevant to him because he has a baby and so relevant to her because she does not. I can so easily imagine Paula saying something like that. Captain Jack gives Kara a hug and seems relieved that someone finally gave a good performance. Trained Seal tries to make fun of Michael’s stage movements by running around the stage while giving out the phone number. Be careful Ryan, that guy can probably knock your pansy ass out.
Here is a quick recap of the performances I missed based on the 10 second recap of their performances. I’ll keep them short for obvious reasons.

Lee Dewyze: Sounded decent, though going first may hurt his chances for advancement.

Alex Lambert: Still sounds nasally and nervous. If we aren't hearing his allegedly wonderful singing voice by now when will we hear it?

Tim Urban: Nothing spectacular.

Andrew Garcia: Tries to make lightning strike twice by singing Christina Aguilera's “Genie in a Bottle” instead of a dude song. I couldn't tell if he changed up the arrangement or if Little E mentioned the Paula song again.

The Abbreviated Final Score: 6 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 6 shots at Little E Ellen; 6 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 4 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 2 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 3 shots at the audience. 4 references to former Idol contestants including 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 6 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment (assumed), 0 iTunes plugs (hopefully Steve Jobs is not watching), 1 name drop, 5 guitars, 1 backhanded judge shot, 1 feminist reference, and 4 performances that I missed and plan to sue my DVR maker for emotional distress for.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche has a good voice, a good back story, and no credible challengers among the dudes for favorite status. Right now it’s between him and Crystal Bowersox, but then these contests are never decided at the semis or else Chris Daughtry would be in the show intro graphics instead of Taylor Hicks. None of the other guys that I saw were really stars and I didn't see the rest, so it is only 1 star on this night.

Idol Gives Back: Poor Jermaine, he really thought God would keep him on the show, only to find out the hard way that God works in mysterious ways. Jermaine though is still a God fearing man so he should be alright, though we’ll never find out if Captain Jack took Jermaine up on his offer to go to church with him. John Park really had no chance, though I appreciate his help in getting my average up.

The Fearless Prediction: This will again prove to be a bigger challenge than it should be thanks to my cranky DVR. None of the 4 guys I saw would appear to be in danger of leaving, though only in Michael’s case is this due to his singing performance. I’m getting tired of hearing that Alex Lambert has a great voice so, much like Paige Miles, I am predicting that he will be joining her tomorrow on the plane ride home. Tim Urban has been playing with house money since Chris Golightly got himself canned, but everybody has to pay the dealer eventually and I have the sense that Tim’s time is up tomorrow.

Don't Pay Attention to the Judges Behind the Curtain

I think this week I’ll try something new. Rather than write essay long paragraphs about each performance I’m going to instead use a bullet point format to list my thoughts and the wacky judges’ comments. I’m going to try this now to see if this will allow me to go to bed at a reasonable time. It is perhaps appropriate tonight given how the entire show was rushed through so that Fox can start Glee on time. We’ll see how successful both of are with this.

Intro:
- Trained Seal reads off the roll call then has a spooky grin on his face as he starts the show.
- The producers are piping in the audience reaction during the intro, but is it real or is it Memorex? You kids under 35 probably don’t understand that, just like my co-worker today who did not understand the reference to expendable people as being the “red-shirts.”
- Little E is snuggling up to Captain Jack to the amazement of Trained Seal. The Captain admits to feeling a “little uncomfortable” being spooned by someone on his side of the fence.
- Simon tells the contestants that tonight is the “worse night to go” because they would have been so close to the Top 12. Tell that to Ayla Brown, whose father parlayed her departure at this stage in Season 5 to a seat in Congress.

Katie Stevens, “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson:
- Katie gets a cold start from Trained Seal without any intro.
- Tonight she is sounding a lot like Lisa Stansfield; whatever happened to her anyway?
- Sounds decent, more or less how she has been sounding the last three weeks.
- Big Sexy thought the song was too big for her and utters the K-word. Last week he didn't seem to have a problem with Paige Miles singing a Kelly Clarkson song, but now suddenly it is as if Katie committed sacrilege.
- Katie is finally young enough for Little E but now E has a problem with Katie not feeling the words and wanting to break away. Perhaps she does now.
- Horny Chick thinks Katie has a great radio voice that is older than her but that she doesn't know what type of artist she is. It used to be that having a good radio voice used to mean something, like back in the 70’s.
- Captain Jack thinks Katie is confused because she keeps trying to incorporate the judges’ comments into her performance. He too thinks Katie doesn't know what type of artist she wants to be.
- So basically Katie should just stop listening to the judges and do her own thing, and then get criticized for not listening to the judges. So much for her being the Chosen One.
- Trained Seal tries to help Katie by asking her to talk about how much the song means to her because she wants to breakaway from her small town origins. Ryan also points out that Katie was 8 years old when Kelly Clarkson won, and suddenly we all feel old.

Siobhan Magnus, “The House of the Rising Sun” by The Animals:
- During her Coca-Cola treatment Siobhan talks about how she is dedicating her performance tonight to her musician father. Trained Seal regrets that there is not enough time for her father to sing tonight.
- Siobhan is wearing a short Coca-Cola red mini skirt in response to all of the skirts that she saw last week.
- The first verse is slow and pitchy, the second loud and pitchy, the third verse, when Ricky and the band finally start playing, is louder but less pitchy.
- An interesting voice and an interesting song choice that I am not sure what to make of.
- Big Sexy loves how Siobhan likes to take risks and how she doesn't listen to the judges. At least he is being consistent with tonight’s theme.
- It’s because of performances like this that Ellen likes music. Perhaps it’s deep personal thoughts like this that Little E is an Idol judge and Drunk Chick is back home watching the show in the judge’s mansion.
- Horny Chick likes her uniqueness and her “unlikely” character.
- Captain Jack thought it was weird and that he didn't think Siobhan did anything with the song, even though Siobhan completely changed the arrangement. The audience boos and this time I agree with them because I’m not sure what song Simon listened to.

Lacey Brown, “The Story” by Randy Carlyle:
- Lacey sings her song while sitting on the stage steps because Siobhan and Trained Seal were still on the stage.
- She is generally on point but is drifting in and out of pitch.
- I’m sorry; I just am not a big fan of this chick’s voice.
- The camera keeps moving around but Lacey keeps facing forward, but to whom I cannot tell.
- Randy thought this was Lacey’s best performance.
- Little E also thought this was Lacey’s best performance and that he felt like the song was written just for her. Just don’t tell Randy Carlyle.
- Horny Chick thinks this is the type of song that she could record just like the song she sang last week, which Lacey sang after Horny Chick recommended it. So for Lacey it is good that she listens to the judges.
- Captain Jack hates the song but liked Lacey’s singing because she seemed to know where the camera was. I wonder if he’ll change his mind when he sees the playback like he claims he does.
- Trained Seal goes against type by jumping in with the phone number before the bumper music starts. No fish for you!

Katelyn Epperley, “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King:
- Katelyn follows up from her revealing outfit from last week with a moppet look this week. She has again ditched the make-up after Horny Chick made snide comments about it two weeks ago.
- This week instead of a piano Katelyn is playing a smaller keyboard; at least we are supposed to believe she is playing it even though as usually Ricky and the band are drowning her out.
- She sounds very nervous to start but gets better towards the end.
- I don’t know, it sounded like a lounge singer performance. Probably not the best song choice.
- Big Sexy dug the frizzy hair and the tiny keyboard but thought that Katelyn’s performance was “very put on.”
- Little E also liked Katelyn’s look but that she fell short. Like I said, she’s on Captain Jack’s side of the fence.
- Kara thought Katelyn was just going through the motions as if she were not in a singing competition and I now understand Big Sexy’s comment.
- In response to Horny Chick’s question as to whether or not Katelyn knew what was happening, she claimed that she wanted to be less corny this week after Captain Jack’s compliment last week.
- Captain Jack follows up this week by describing Katelyn’s performance as “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” Let’s see how Katelyn tries to address that.

Didi Benami, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac:
- I mentioned last week that she sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White. She has another thing in common with those two; she keeps staying on the show for weeks after I start to predict her departure. I’m going to predict right now that she will make the Top 12 no matter now crappy she sings tonight.
- The producers are doing her no favors with the spooky pink backlighting. That may have been what doomed Michelle Delamor last week.
- She is missing notes here and there and I am still no fan of her voice, but I like how she changed up the song. There is no way she could sing this song straight and avoid another deluge of mean comments from the other judges claiming that she can’t sing like Stevie Nicks. Kind of like what Brooke White did.
- All the judges thought it was much better than last week, which means Didi may be doomed.
- Little E liked how Didi was smiling now after being on the verge of tears last week. Yes, indeedi Didi (E’s words, not mine).
- Both Little E and Horny Chick were afraid when they found out about the song choice, probably thinking that Didi would try and sing it straight, and were delighted to see that Didi did not do that.
- Both Captain Jack and Horny Chick thought it was the best performance of the night, but is that really saying much?

Paige Miles, “Smile” written by Charlie Chaplin:
- I guess the performers are no longer required to pick a song from the Billboard charts. I am not sure Billboard even existed when this song came out, unless somebody covered it when I was not looking.
- Paige is singing this slow song with a very airy voice. As the judges have been bragging about how great a voice this chick has this does not sound like a good song choice.
- Her voice seems to start shaking towards the end as if she is starting to realize that she chose the wrong song.
- Big Sexy talked about how this is one of his all time favorite songs, which he says after pretty much every song, and then starts talking about thoughts of shrimp, beef, and chicken. I guess that is a backhanded way of saying that he thought it was a lounge act performance.
- Ellen thought Paige turned an uplifting sing into a sad and heavy one.
- Kara thought it was all wrong and asked Paige if her hesitation at the end was a sign that she agreed with that assessment. Paige instead claims that she was just getting emotional.
- Captain Jack reaches into his analogy book of tricks and describes Paige’s performance as a “1974 holiday” style “peanut performance,” so named because it is what he would expect to hear in a place where the audience is sitting there eating peanuts, like say in a bar, I guess. Simon has something in common with the producers in that neither of their chosen ones have been up to the task.
- Trained Seal tries to help Paige by asking her why she was so emotional during the song. Paige claims it was because Michael Jackson recorded this song. Now I am as confused as the judges.

Crystal Bowersox, “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman:
- Any bets that Crystal has sung this song before in a Chicago subway station?
- Crystal starts solo with an acoustic guitar, and then picks up her voice to avoid being drowned out by Ricky and the band.
- The chicks up in the balcony look worried, as well they should be, Crystal is again putting them all to shame.
- Her note run at the end impresses the dudes in the audience.
- Big Sexy thinks that Crystal’s performance “is what this show is about for me.” If only it were true. As good as Crystal is does anybody think the tweener girls who control the voting will want to see her win?
- Little E has run out of adjectives for Crystal. I have run out of adjectives for Little E. Suggestions are welcome.
- Horny Chick declares “this is what we talk about when people know who they are.” So now the performers are supposed to listen to the judges when they tell them who they are? I feel like Katie.
- Simon declares Crystal to be the one to beat because her confidence has improved. I am not sure about the latter but I agree with the former, unless the evil teenage girls decide otherwise.

Lilly Scott, “I Fall to Pieces” by Patsy Cline:
- Lilly is strumming a mandolin that I cannot hear. Is anyone actually playing their instrument?
- Lilly gets point for infusing a country twang to a Patsy Cline song. Still, I find myself trying to hold back the laughter. Her voice is just so weird. How can anyone take what she is singing seriously? Her voice would work for a quirky song, like country or something, but if she ever tried to sing a serious love ballad she would be laughed out of the building. Well, perhaps not this audience. Big Sexy thinks Lilly is in a zone, though he did hesitate and stutter a little before he said it. Horny Chick thinks Lilly achieved a significant accomplishment by making Patsy Cline sound contemporary. I may be out of touch with contemporary music but I would be hard pressed to say that Lilly is “contemporary.” Captain Jack again refuses to jump off the Lilly cliff with the other judges. He thought Lilly was brave and cute but that she did not do enough to justify the closer spot.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Little E Ellen; 9 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 1 shot at the audience. The audience did not have enough time to boo tonight. How else can I explain why there were more shots at Ricky and the band than there were at the audience? 7 references to former Idol contestants including 2 references to Kelly Clarkson, 4 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 0 iTunes plugs or name drops (another nice thing about the shortened scheduled time), 4 mini-skirts, 2 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 4 references from the 70’s, 1 K-word utterances, 1 reference to a Senator, 1 banquet order, and 1 minute of overtime.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox has established herself as the best of the girls, which means that she likely won’t win regardless of what the tweeners think since favorites coming out of the semis rarely win the finale. Didi Benami did in fact do better, and I am not just saying that to jinx her. I am still a fan of Siobhan Magnus and admire her wacky song choices and arrangements, despite what Captain Jack claims.

Idol Gives Back: Michelle was kind of a no-brainer because she did not stand out in the two weeks of exposure the producers gave her. Besides, the tweeners seem to be on a mission to weed out all of the good looking girls. Haeley’s departure kind of surprised me because the tweeners seem to like one of their own. Oh well, Horny Chick did say that she was too young, only two shows too late.

The Fearless Prediction: As much as Captain Jack gets booed he is usually pretty accurate about who is going home, so Paige Miles should be very afraid. Katelyn could be sent home because she is pretty, and Lacey could be sent home because she has a weird voice, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that Katie Stevens will be sent home to try and find herself. So I’ll go with Katie and Paige.