Are You Laughing At Me?

No, I didn't forget about last night. I was busy with another engagement. No worries though, I have it on the DVR so I'll watch Wednesday's show tomorrow and then decide if I want to post anything on it or skip it and wait until Hollywood Week.

Tonight's episode began at 5:18 AM in Oklahoma City, where 9,000 auditioners showed up to chase their cowboy hats in the wind and sing Broadway show tunes. Trained Seal promised us that things will never be the same in OKC now that Idol has come to town. The same thing was said about the plague. Ryan also claimed that Oklahoma City was "the epicenter of all things down home and wholesome," which must have come as a shock to viewers in Omaha and David Cook's hometown of Kansas City.

Naturally since we're in Oklahoma Trained Seal had to name drop OK native Carrie Underwood, "the greatest Idol ever" according to Sole Survivor. He oughta know. Mr. Kidman also name dropped OK natives Vince Gill, Garth Brooks, and some other guy. Keith is quickly surpassing Sole Survivor as Idol's prime name dropper. I'm surprised he didn't mention Mickey Mantle.

The first auditioner is a dude from Joplin, MO who was recruited by the now infamous Idol small town bus tour. He was a goofy kid that I didn't think had a chance to move on, but then again he was a WGWG who could sort of sing and sort of dance like James Brown. Ladies and gentlemen, your next American Idol.

Another auditioner was a chick who was a ventriloquist. A good one at that since her lips didn't move. She did a duet with the dummy (insert your favorite judge here) that confused everyone since she was actually a good singer. The dummy, not so much. So rather than real critique the judges instead made jokes about the dummy. Glitter Girl wondered if the dummy will open for this girl while Mr. Kidman sincerely told the chick that the dummy was holding her back. The judges gave her a ticket to Hollywood on the condition that the dummy stayed home, so of course the producers set up a dumb skit about it and got Trained Seal involved by agreeing to adopt the puppet.

The surprise of the night was provided by some psycho chick who sang the National Anthem because Obama won the election. When she sang some high note Mr. Kidman fell out of his chair and Sole Survivor declared "set yourself free Oklahoma." Salute when you say that soldier! The camera also caught Glitter Girl mouthing the words as this chick was belting out the anthem in a very unique arrangement. The surprise of the night came at the end when she was given 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood. Every year it seems that the judges put through at least one psycho just for fun, at least since Captain Jack left the show.

Speaking of Mr. Cowell, one of the last contestants was a woman who claimed she was told by God to audition for American Idol instead of The X Factor. This of course meant another cheap skit by the producers at the chick's expense. As is his tendency, Sole Survivor laughed throughout the entire audition, which annoyed the contestant not to mention the viewers at home. She seemed more upset at Jaws though, claiming as she stormed out that Nicki was a devil worshiper. That would explain a lot...

The audition shows ended by a guest appearance by Jagger Lite, who walked into the audition studio in drag (the dude looked like a lady, get it?) and exchanged mindless banter with Sole Survivor while the other judges seemed more annoyed than amused. I was just annoyed. I would have rather seen Drunk Chick.

Things We Learned Tonight: Jaws likes Oklahoma accents, is a southern belle sometimes, and rumor has it might worship the devil. Stevie Wonder is Glitter Girl's favorite artist. She also knows the words to the National Anthem and that Elvis had a guitar. Trained Seal learned how to say "superstar" in sign language and can use a break from all that emotion. Everybody is confused by a ventriloquist. Most important of all, I learned that Idol is much more fun to watch while drinking a full bottle of wine.

Tonight's Sob Stories: A guy whose parents are both deaf and have never heard him sing, and a 14 year old boy with cystic fibrosis. Both are going to Hollywood. Even though the kid with CF was really pitchy there was no doubt he was going to Hollywood.

The Final Score (audition edition): 44 tickets to Hollywood; 2 mentions of former Idol winners; 1 guest appearance by a former Idol judge; 2 mentions of other former judges plus their "other" show; 1 mention of a baseball Hall of Famer; 3 name drops by Mr. Kidman; Sharks 2, Oilers 2; 1 White Guy With Guitar; 1 excerpt from a Glitter Girl song ("Emotion"); 2 shots of people chasing cowboy hats blown away by the wind; and 1 shout out to Omaha, Nebraska. I've actually been to Omaha, it's a nice place with really good steaks.

Everything is Beginning to Suck

Finally after 12 seasons Idol has come to Sole Survivor's hometown of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Should it mean anything that this is the first time there have been auditions in Randy's hometown but there have been upteen million auditions in Trained Seal's hometown of Atlanta? How bout the fact that in their first season as judges Idol had auditions in NYC, hometown of both Jaws and Glitter Girl? Yes I know that New York and Atlanta are much larger cities than Baton Rouge, but that doesn't quite work with my narrative...

There were no cat fights tonight, funny in that these auditions were 3 days after the auditions in Charlotte where the chicks allegedly went after each other. The only reference was at the very, very end of the show when Mr. Kidman called Nicki "Mariah" and then said he needed to do some Hail Marys for forgiveness. I'm starting to get the feeling that we are being played...

Some of the more interesting contestants included a firefighter that Jaws hit on and thought would make a great country star (see my last post for background on that comment), and a physician. Yes, a real doctor with a real residency. We haven't seen too many of those try out for this show, let alone get a ticket to Hollywood.

Sole Survivor made a field visit to Cafe du Monde in New Orleans to invite a street singer to audition after she was recommended by her grandma. At least I thought she was a street singer until I saw the graphic identifying her as a student from Virginia. She got a Hollywood ticket even though she wasn't quite what she seemed and that she claimed former Idol contestant Haley Reinhart as an influence.

By the way, I love the beignets at Cafe du Monde. If you've never had Cafe du Monde beignets make sure you put that on your bucket list. You'll thank me later.

The producers thankfully decided not to stage any stupid skit playing off on the stereotypes about people from Louisiana, perhaps out of respect for Sole Survivor. Instead we got a parade of psychos who were upset at being rejected, though none of them really stood out compared to past seasons. We haven't really seen as many psychos this season. I don't know if that is because fewer psychos auditioned this year or if someone figured out that psychos don't sell many Fords or Cokes.

Things We Learned Tonight: Glitter Girl was a beauty school dropout and could identify with the shy kid who uses music as "escapism". Jaws has special powers whenever she has a towel over her head and was blessed by running her fingers through the hair of one of the contestants who she nicknamed "Mushroom". Mr. Kidman's astrological sign is Confused. And of course that Sole Survivor was born in Baton Rouge.

Tonight's Sob Stories: A woman who auditioned three days after being in a car accident and was scheduled for surgery right after her audition (the surgery went well we're told); a guy whose grandpa, who was a sergeant in the Army, had just died; a kid who was so shy that his parents thought he was autistic; and a guy whose family lost their home in New Orleans due to Hurricane Katrina. All four were put through to Hollywood. So far the 12 out of the 13 sob stories featured have been put through.

The Final Score (audition edition): 34 tickets to Hollywood; 1 reference to a former Idol contestant, 1/2 a reference to the alleged feud between the chicks; Sharks 5, Coyotes 3;  1 name drop when Mr. Kidman compared the shy kid to David Bowie; 1 contestant (the afore mentioned shy kid) who Sole Survivor thought was "seemingly dark, strange, but cool guy;" and no stupid skit featuring Trained Seal.

Next week the audition shows are from Texas and the Queen Mary in California. No doubt Kelly Clarkson will be name dropped during the Texas show and there'll be stupid skits involving boats during the California show.

Please Don't Fight, It Makes Us Sad

According to Blogger's stats 63 people visited my site last week. So perhaps someone has noticed that I've revived this blog, though there does seem to be an awful lot of visitors from Russia....

I read today that Vote for the Worst.com, home to Idol commentators even more smarmy than me, will be shutting down after this season. They should have done what I did and taken the entire J-Lo/Tyler era off to rejuvenate. I'll be sad to see them go since I won't have anybody to point out all the juicy stuff that I missed.

Tonight's auditions are at the Charlotte Motor Speedway in North Carolina, so naturally there were lots of goofy references from Trained Seal about racing. The show opened in fact with Ryan "racing" around the track in some fake race with some fake announcers calling the "action". Trained Seal was naturally driving a Ford; I'm surprised the producers didn't show him drinking a Coke and listening to his iPod while he was driving.

This was the audition where allegedly Nicki threatened to shoot Mariah, who then went on Barbara Walters' show to say that she felt like her life was being threatened and wasn't sure she wanted to continue to be on the show with the other chick. The producers went to great links to build up to the Big Moment by showing lots of clips from TMZ and other shows, but when the moment came it was, well, not so big after all. There was this singer, you see, a blonde hair blued eyed chick who claimed that she did (note the past tense) "the country thing" but wanted to sing more soul music. That got country guy Mr. Kidman a bit miffed and prompted both Glitter Girl and Sole Survivor to try and fit this chick back into the country box. Nicki bitched about this, which then prompted Randy to tout his "30 years in the business" as justification for what he was saying. Nicki apparently took this as an insult since she doesn't have 30 years in the biz and stormed off the set, shutting down the show for the rest of the day. And...and? That was it. No death threats, no screaming, nothing that we were led to believe by Trained Seal that we would see. The next day the judges were all hunky dory, especially after the first contestant that morning told the judges "please don't fight, it makes us sad."

By the way, the soul country chick who prompted this argument got a ticket to Hollywood, as did the girl who was sad that the judges were fighting.

Let's see, what else is there to mention...

Season 10 winner Scotty McCreery was in the house to relate to the peasants who hope to emulate him by winning the competition and then only appearing on future Idol shows and the occasional Branson gig. I did read though that he'll be at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville next Saturday night with Roy Clark. Get you tickets now!

Chris Daughtry was named dropped again, this time in reference to his supposedly infamous mentoring stint in Season 5 with Andrea Bocelli and then uber-producer David Foster when Daughtry sang while lying on the floor. One of the contestants tonight auditioned while lying on the floor, apparently unaware of what Daughtry did. He got a no. Since Daughtry is from North Carolina I'm surprised that he wasn't at the audition too.

Sole Survivor made another field trip, this time in a (rented) school bus to a nearby high school to pick up student Isabelle Gonzalez, who was nominated online by her aunt. The aunt claimed that her niece would never think of auditioning for Idol, so naturally after she got 4 yeses little Isabelle claimed that she had always dreamed about this moment.

Mr. Kidman lived up to his nickname by leaving early again, this time to fly to New York to escort his wife who was picking up an award. Despite the fact that Sole Survivor was all alone with the two chicks one day after all hell supposedly broke loose there was no trouble, no trouble at all.

No psychos or egos tonight but there were a larger than usual dose of freaks and geeks paraded before us by the producers. One of the geeks though could actually sing and got a Hollywood ticket. You should have seen the looks of surprise on all the judges' faces.

Like last week there was another former contestant from last season who reappeared. While the producers showed footage of her being cut in Vegas by Jagger Lite, apparently Sole Survivor forgot all about her. He thought the audition was the best of the season so far and agreed with Nicki that there would be something wrong if she didn't make it to the last round. Yes, even though he was one of those who cut this same contestant last season before the live shows.

Nicki was also impressed by this contestant, saying to her, and I quote, "I want to skin you and eat you." So I've been thinking of a new nickname for the nickname chick and I think I'll try "Jaws." It originally came to me from thinking about how Idol jumped the shark by hiring her, but this sentence alone sealed the deal, at least until she says something even more worthy of a nickname.

Things We Learned Tonight: Jaws has a Twitter hash tag for her nicknames, eats turkey bacon every day, and sometimes thinks her hair is edible like cotton candy. Mr. Kidman wants an alter ego, thinks Nikki is "sweet", and never heard Billie Holliday while growing up in Australia. Glitter Girl starting writing songs at Age 6 and was considering leaving the set before Jaws beat her to it. Sole Survivor thinks chicken gets a bad rap, and thinks "you're allowed to feel on Idol." I also figured out how to use an app that syncs my photos between my iPhone and my iPad. Yes, the judge is getting old...

Tonight's Sob Stories: A woman whose boyfriend was badly injured in an automobile accident and didn't know she was auditioning; a former homeless person who now entertains street people as "The Voice of Charlotte"; and a man whose wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 3 years ago but is still alive and well. For a minute I thought we were being set up with the second coming of Danny Gokey. All 3 got tickets to Hollywood.

The Final Score (audition version): 37 tickets to Hollywood, 3 references to former Idol contestants, 1 returning former Idol contestant, 3 references to former Idol judges, 2 current Idol judges who threatened to leave and 1 who actually did, 1 death threat left on the editing room floor, 3 visuals to TMZ founder and former attorney Harvey Levin, and more references to racing than I cared to count. I actually listened for the "yos" from Sole Survivor and didn't hear any, though there were a couple of "Dawgs" thrown out. Since tomorrow night's show features the auditions in Randy's hometown of Baton Rouge perhaps we'll get a few more yos to savor. Thankfully Fox wants to promote Glee some more so it'll only be an hour long show. Thank the Lord for little favors...

I Feel Like a Scratching Post

I'm typing this as I'm watching the Oprah - Lance Armstrong interview. I'll try not to get distracted by it as I type this. If you've seen it already don't tell me the results.

Tonight's auditions were in Chicago, hometown of Jennifer Hudson, so naturally Sole Survivor wasted no time dropping her name. In his defense though, Mr. Kidman upped him by dropping Lee Ann Womack, Dolly Parton, Carrie Underwood, and Gwen Stefani all within the first 15 minutes of the show.

The first contestant was a cute blonde haired, blue eyed chick from Tennessee country whose dad is a back up musician for some country singer whose name I didn't catch. So of course she's a shoo in for the Top 24 but there's no way the tweener chicks who vote a million times each will allow her to win. Just to make it fair, male eye candy Johnny Keyser from last season came back and was sent through to Hollywood.

There was some more polite bickering between the two chicks but the only one who seemed upset about this was Mr. Kidman, who was stuck in the middle pounding his head on the table and making cat references directed towards Nikki. When Nikki claimed that she said no to one contestant (when everyone else said yes) because the contestant wore the same eye shadow, Keith just about lost it. No wonder he ran off early, supposedly for a concert in Vegas (wink, wink).

Nikki's hit up on so many male contestants that I'm tempted to give her Kara's old Horny Chick nickname. I will consider it, though if she keeps up this habit of making up stupid nicknames for everybody I may be inclined to nickname her something else. Stupid nicknames are supposed to be my schtick.

Season 10 contestant and another Chicago native Haley Reinhardt made a cameo to remind everybody that she was once on the show. I don't remember where she placed though. For that matter I don't remember who won that season, except that it was some white guy.

The Idol small town bus tour brought in a guy from a small town in Iowa who brought cookies to his audition and belted out a Stones song that had Mr. Kidman reaching for his lighter. This dude is worth watching. The contestant, not Keith.

While there were no psychos featured in the New York audition show there was a medley of them on this show. The producers all blended them together into another lame parody titled "The Miserables". There was also one chick who like so many others refused to stop singing after she was told no, though the judges kept goading her to sing some more. I couldn't see Captain Jack ever doing that.

Things we learned tonight: There was an Idol small town bus tour, though apparently none of the judges rode the bus. We also learned that this gig is Glitter Girl's first real job, that Justin Beiber doesn't do it for Nikki and that her mom never heard her rap, and that nobody seems to be thrilled to meet Sole Survivor in person. I also learned which channel Oprah's network is on.

Tonight's sob stories: a woman who suffered from anorexia and had no friends in school, a girl who was adopted by her aunt because her birth parents had "issues", and a dude who had a serious stutter except when he sang. All three got 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

The final score (audition version): 46 golden tickets to Hollywood, 5 name drops, 2 mentions of former Idol contestants, 1 mention of a former Idol judge, 3 sob stories, 2 cat references by Mr. Kidman, and a number of cat fights and psychos that I didn't bother to count. I keep forgetting to count the number of yos from Sole Survivor.

Next Wednesday is the Charlotte auditions, "where it all happens" according to Trained Seal.

It's Amazing Because It Matters

Let's see if anyone is reading this...

After a 3 year abstention, bypassing the entire J-Lo/Tyler era, yours truly has decided to resume my seat on the Idol bench. We'll see how this goes.

One change from my earlier term is that I won't be fully recapping the audition or Hollywood Week shows. Those recaps took so long to write, and I'm older now so I need my beauty sleep. So instead I'll offer some random thoughts on these shows and save the full recaps for the live shows, that is if I last that long.

Is it really Season 12? It seems like only yesterday that my mom was swooning over Chris Daughtry and I was wondering if a guy would ever win this competition.

The season began with Phil Phillips, last year's winner, singing his multi-platinum home song. Any bets on whether or not this song will be the goodbye song this season?

Trained Seal Ryan claimed that Idol contestants have sold 200 million records and have had 371 Number 1 hits. Sounds pretty impressive until you realize that Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Chris Daughtry account for about 3/4 of those numbers. Ryan also claimed that songs that Randy Jackson was involved in have sold over 100 million records. I'm not nearly as impressed as I am surprised that Sole Survivor has been involved in that many songs. They must be counting the sales of all the artists that Randy has named dropped over the years on this show.

After introducing the judges and showing the crowd of auditioners that the producers still want you to think are just outside the door, Glitter Girl and PLWJ politely argue about Nikki's drum major hat and the movie Mean Girls. Later on the two chicks bantered about the lighting and we heard Nikki toss a back handed insult at Miriah's 6-octave range. Apparently the confrontation that ended up on Barbara Walters' show was during the Charlotte auditions. I'm looking forward to seeing what the producers will choose to show.

Everybody but Sole Survivor showed off a British accent tonight. Of course it makes sense that Mr. Kidman (from Australia) and PLWJ (from Trinidad & Tobago) would have such accents, but last I checked they don't speak the Queen's English on Long Island where Glitter Girl comes from.

Sole Survivor made a field visit to Staten Island to invite a bar singer to audition after her mother sent in a video of her singing in said bar. Of course she got 4 nos.

A guy from India who owns 50 turbins was nicknamed "The Turbinator" so of course the producers couldn't resist creating a stupid bit about it. He got three yeses so we'll be seeing him again.

I do enjoy trashing Trained Seal, but after painfully watching all of Captain Jack's hosts on The X-Factor I have a new appreciation for Ryan Seacrest. Not enough to stop making fun of him though.

Things we learned tonight: Glitter Girl had a singing camp in the woods and knows how to say hello in Hebrew, Mr. Kidman once sang on a train, PLWJ wanted to be a bus driver, and Sole Survivor wanted to be a NASCAR driver. I'll let you fill in your joke here. I also realized that I need to come up with a better nickname for Nikki.

Tonight's sob stories: a woman who once weighed 200 pounds but is now down around 120 I'd guess (she got a yes), a guy who was adopted and makes his living by singing on the NYC subway (yes for him too), a girl with 40% hearing loss in one ear and 20% loss in the other (yup, she got a yes), a girl whose parents have 4 foster children with disabilities (yes too), and a one legged tap dancer who lost his leg from cancer (sadly it was a no for him).

The Final Score (audition version): 41 tickets to Hollywood, 0 yos or name drops from Sole Survivor, 4 cat fights between Glitter Girl and PLWJ, 3 British accents (1 fake, 1 real, & 1 in between), 5 sob stories, 0 psychos (in New York, go figure), 1 reference to a former Idol judge (there will be more, I'm still rusty), and 0 goosebumps, but it is early.

That wasn't too bad. It only took an hour to write this, so I'll see you tomorrow night.