Case Summary S09-2010

The longest season in American Idol history, or at least so it seems, is finally over, Just to show how little winning this competition means anymore both winner Lee DeWyze and first runner-up Crystal Bowersox signed recording contracts with 19 Entertainment, the producers of the show. It used to be that only the winner had the guaranteed record deal, though perhaps after first season winner Kelly Clarkson sued 19 Entertainment to get out of her guaranteed record contract the producers would just as soon sign both the winner and the runner-up in case the winner is unable to fulfill his or her duties as the American Idol.

The Season 9 auditions were in Boston, Atlanta, Chicago, Orlando, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Denver. My DVR crapped out on the Denver auditions and I was too busy and/or lazy to recap the Dallas auditions. I heard later that Casey James took off his shirt in his Denver auditions, and I can only assume that Kelly Clarkson was mentioned often in the Dallas auditions because ever since she auditioned for American Idol in Dallas she is always often mentioned every time there are Dallas auditions. Casey was the only auditioner from the Denver auditions to make the Top 12. Tim Urban and Paige Miles both went through the Dallas auditions, though since I didn’t watch them I cannot tell you if they were featured or not. Probably not.

Season 9 began on a somewhat auspicious note as it was announced that Simon Cowell was leaving after this season to work on Idol’s replacement, The X-Factor. Since Captain Jack’s departure was not known at the time the audition shows were taped it made for some surreal moments for the audience, half of whom are too young to know what “surreal” means (then again, I’m not sure about this either). It had already been announced that Ellen DeGeneres was taking the judge seat that Paula Abdul had abandoned after she demanded to be paid more than Ryan Seacrest. No word on what Ellen’s appearance fees for this season were, though since she already has a steady, well paid gig as Oprah’s eventual replacement she probably doesn’t need as much money as Ryan Seacrest.

Season 9 officially began on January 12, 2010 with the Boston auditions. Posh Spice Victoria Beckham served as the guest judge since Ellen was not yet on board. 9,000 contestants gathered in the rain at Gillette Stadium (where the Patriots play) even though the weather magically changed to sunny when the contestants were magically transported from the stadium to a hotel in downtown Boston, at least if Ryan was to be believed. You and I of course know that the truth is very different. Amadeo Diricco invited all of America to his house for dinner, Ashley Rodriguez was told by Simon that she had “it”, eye candy Tyler Grady got a “yes” from Kara before singing a note, Katie Stevens introduced us to her Portuguese grandma with Alzheimer’s, Justin Williams talked about overcoming cancer to appear on the show, and Norbeto Guerrero was told by Simon that he “sang like a 3 year old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you’ve got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird.” I am going to miss him. In addition to Katie Siobhan Magnus came from the Boston auditions, though the producers chose not to feature her, perhaps because she was too weird for them. Funny, that usually guarantees January air time.

Next up where the auditions in Ryan’s hometown of Atlanta, where Idol had been 5 times before and where Clay Aiken auditioned for the show in Season 2. The Empress of Soul Mary J. Blige was the guest judge. I was short on quips that night as the earthquake in Haiti had just occurred. 10,000 contestants came out to try their luck getting past the producers and up to the 27th Floor of the hotel the judges were camped out in. Mary J. thought Jermaine Sellers was “anointed;” Jesse Hamilton talked about almost dying 3 times, accompanied by allegedly funny reenactments by the Idol producers; Holly Harden got a ticket to Hollywood despite dressing up like a guitar; Antonio “Skiiboski” Wheeler got a ticket to Hollywood despite a goofy nickname; The Singing Cop Bryan Walker made it through easily; and Lamar Royal got this piece of psychoanalysis from Mary J: “You have to find some humility in order to do this, and pull back and stop trying to exalt yourself and that’s what you’re doing. You’re running.” Finally, General Larry Platt scored a viral hit with “Pants On The Ground,” which as I predicted was repeated at the season finale. No Atlanta auditioners made it to the Top 12 and only Jermaine Sellers from this group made it to the Top 24.

12,000 contestants came to the Chicago auditions chanting “yes we can” at the urging of the Democrat producers. Shania Twain was the guest judge and the only one who came back later in the season to serve as a tormentor. Katelyn Epperly got a ticket to Hollywood to spite her dad who had just left her family, Amy Lang showed off her dancing boobs, Angela Martin got a ticket to Hollywood for the third and as it turned out final time, and Shania complimented John Park for his “beautiful bottom end” and his “good head.” Neither Season 9 winner Lee DeWyze nor runner-up Crystal Bowersox got any air time during the Chicago audition show, though their audition footage from Chicago magically reappeared during the finale.

10,000 auditioners passed on watching the Space Shuttle launch to come to the Orlando auditions. Guest judge Kristen Chenoweth bonded with Kara and then made a quick exit. Shelby Dressel overcame partial paralysis on the right side of her face and forgetting the lyrics of her audition song to claim a golden ticket, Janell Wheeler got 5 seconds of air time, which was more than what fellow Orlando auditioner Michael Lynche got. The producers more than made up for that during the Hollywood Week shows though. Cornelius Edwards did the splits, Jersey Shore rejects Bernadette and Amanda Desimone begged for tickets to Hollywood, Matt Lawrence talked about his 4 years in prison for robbing a bank with a BB gun, and Jarred Norrell was lead away in handcuffs by the deputy sheriff after Kara compared his singing to a lawn mower. In addition to Michael’s audition Aaron Kelly’s audition was also not seen.

The last auditions that I saw were from Los Angeles, when 11,000 showed up at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. Avril Lavigne and her jacket with devil horns served as guest judge for Day 1, Katy Perry took her place for Day 2. Neil Goldstein failed to impress the judges with his 168 IQ, Jim Ranger got a ticket despite singing his own composition, Mary Powers looked and sounded like Pat Benetar, Simon thought A.J. Mendoza had just come from the dentist and the anesthetic had not worn off yet, Katy wondered if Austin Fuller was frisked before coming into the audition, Jason Greene gave Ryan his phone number, and Chris Golightly talked about the 25 foster homes he grew up in but neglected to mention the record deal that eventually got him kicked off the show. Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami were the Top 12 finalists who came out of the L.A. auditions.

In total 181 contestants passed the first round of auditions and received a ticket to Hollywood: 32 from Boston, 31 each from Orlando and Dallas, 26 from Denver, 25 from Atlanta, 23 from Los Angeles, and only 13 from Chicago despite Chicago having the most auditioners and the final two contestants.

Hollywood Week was staged at the Kodak Theater as a consolation prize for losing the finale to the Nokia Theater. Ellen DeGeneres joined the show at that point and did not seem too far out of her element. It is amazing what editing can do sometimes. 96 contestants made it past the first round of solo auditions, only to face the dreaded return of the group performances. 71 contestants managed to survive that and got to perform again with the band that kept changing up the contestant’s arrangements. After the traditional breakup of the contestants into rooms 46 of them made it to the chair show, which this season was held at the Kodak instead of the judges’ mansion or some mysterious dance studio in Pasadena. We got to meet Crystal for the first time and Michael Lynche got plenty of air time since his wife was giving birth to his first child while he was there. Andrew Garcia did a “genius” version of Paula’s “Straight Up”, which we were reminded of (as was Andrew) for several weeks after that. Siobhan Magnus belted out a Stevie Wonder song that earned her a spot in the Top 24. Mary Powers was the star of group night and was sent home. Sadly, Angela Martin was sent home too after missing the Top 36 last season because she spend 6 days in jail on a traffic violation. Jessica Furley, the girl from Kansas City with the crazy grandma who was featured during last season’s auditions, was also sent home even though she was convinced that she had “it.” And we finally got to see Lee DeWyze. At least last season Kris Allen got a few seconds of screen time during his audition.

The semi-finals went back to the format from Seasons 4-7 with the chicks and dudes in separate groups of 12 instead of 3 groups of 12 mixed together like they did last season and Seasons 1-3. The chicks went first and immediately Ryan and the judges tried to play up how this season was destined to be a girl’s year. Of course the tweeners and the cougars had other plans. Ashley Rodriguez did a so-so version of a Leona Lewis song and got voted off despite being considered one of the preseason favorites. Janell Wheeler, arguably the best looking chick in the Top 24, tried and failed with a Heart song and was also sent packing. On the positive side silver haired Lilly Scott got kudos for her street performer originality, Katelyn Epperly dressed like a hooker to show that she was young and current, Lacey Brown moved on even though Randy thought her rendition of a Fleetwood Mac song was “terrible.” Simon thought Siobhan Magnus was “a funny little thing,” and told Crystal that she sounded like thousands of other subway singers all over America.

I missed most of the Top 24 dude show when Tyler Grady and Joe Munoz were eliminated. I did see Simon and Michael Lynche argue about Simon’s negative comments, Ellen compare Alex Lambert to an unripe banana, Kara drool over Casey James and his partially unbuttoned shirt, and all the judges bring up the Paula Abdul song to Andrew again.

The Top 20 dudes were asked to perform one day early after Crystal was sent overnight to the hospital for reasons that were never explained (I read later it had something to do with her diabetes). Michael Lynche puts down his marker with “It’s A Man’s World”. Ryan challenged Simon after Captain Jack declared John Park a goner, though 2 days later Simon was proven right. Casey James refused to disclose his pre-show ritual unless he made the Top 10, then of course the poser reneged on his promise when he actually made it that far. Kara thought anyone would die for Alex Lambert’s tone even though he was too scared to show it. Jermaine Sellers rocked his onesee and told Ryan that God would make sure that he would be on the show the next week. Turned out God had other plans. Randy told Todrick Hall to stop changing the arrangements and then 15 minutes later Simon told Andrew Garcia to start changing the arrangements. Simon also told Lee DeWyze that he would be the one to beat if he could only lose the nerves.

Crystal Bowersox came straight from her hospital bed to lead off the Top 20 chick night. After her rendition of CCR’s “Long As I See The Light” Simon apologized for underestimating Crystal as a serious artist and compared her to Kelly Clarkson. Ryan challenged Simon again after Simon thought Haeley Vaughn’s version of a Miley Cyrus song was a mess, and again Simon was proven right when Haeley was voted off the next night. Lacey sung a song suggested by Kara and Simon criticized her for treating this show like a competition and only singing whatever is suggested to her. Katie Stevens could not name a teenage artist. Michelle Delamor committed the cardinal sin of singing a Creed song and got voted off, even though she was the best dressed of the contestants. Siobhan Magnus stunned the judges by breaking out the first of her signature big note screams at the end of Aretha Franklin’s “Think”.

The last semi-final round for the girls began with Simon and Ellen pretending to have sexual tension. Katie Stevens tried to follow the judges’ advice to go younger by singing a Kelly Clarkson song and got criticized for trying too hard to incorporate the judges’ comments. Lacey Brown sang her best performance to date and managed to get into the Top 12. The judges’ sent Katelyn Epperley packing after they criticized her performance of “I Feel The Earth Move” as “very put-on” (Randy), “fell short” (Ellen), “going through the motions” (Kara), and “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” (Simon). If you ever need a quick example of the differences between the judges, there you have it. Didi Benami’s performance of Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon” was the best of the night. Simon and Randy used Paige Miles’ weak performance of “Smile” to talk about food. Simon declared Crystal Bowersox the one to beat after her performance of Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Lilly Scott got the closer spot, did a decent job with a Patsy Cline song, and still got voted off, leaving her to wonder what America wants.

My DVR crapped out, thankfully for the last time, for the last semi-final for the dudes so I only saw a few performances. Andrew Garcia tried to relive the past by giving the “Straight Up” treatment to Christina Aguilera’s “Genie In A Bottle”. Kara thought Aaron Kelly’s weak performance of Lonestar’s “I’m Already There” was because he was too young to relate to the song, a comment that Ellen agreed with but Simon thought was rubbish. Todrick Hall got voted off after Kara could not decide whether to laugh or love his singing and dancing performance of Queen’s “Somebody To Love”. Michael Lynche brought the house down and brought Kara to tears when he closed the show with Maxwell’s “This Woman’s Work”, establishing him as the co-favorite with Crystal heading into the finals. Meanwhile Lee DeWyze was just keeping it steady. Alex Lambert was finally sent home after another deer in the headlights performance.

The Top 12 began with Kara telling Jay Leno that she thought a guy would win even though Randy, Simon, and the producers (through their mouthpiece Ryan) all thought a girl would win this season. The theme was songs by the Rolling Stones. There was no mentor since all of the Stones plus Steven Tyler and Joe Perry apparently had other appointments. Ryan seriously got into Simon’s grill after Captain Jack thought Michael’s performance of “Miss You” sounded desperate. Didi claimed that her dark performance of “Play With Fire” was because Siobhan Magnus was her roommate. Andrew’s dad claimed that he thought his son would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. Kara wanted to see more intensity in Andrew’s performance of “Gimme Shelter”, leading Simon to ask Kara if she wanted to see Andrew perform in a tank. Katie’s performance of “Wild Horses” finally pleased the judges. “The Comeback Kid” Tim Urban survived another week despite crashing and burning with a reggae performance of “Under My Thumb”. Siobhan brought back the drama and the big scream with “Paint It Black”, a song choice that surprised no one. Simon accused Lee of singing “Beast Of Burden” like he thought the others were better than him. Simon could not believe Randy compared Aaron to Justin Timberlake. Lacey Brown’s over-thought performance of “Ruby Tuesday” lead to her dismissal into Idol oblivion the next night.

The judges played up how the loser from the Top 11 would be denied a slot on the summer tour as if that was a big deal or something. The theme was Billboard #1 hits, and Ryan claimed that there have been 26 songs by former American Idol contestants that have made it to #1. Interestingly none of those songs were sung that night. I was treated to the first tormentor of the season, Miley Cyrus, who was younger than all of the contestants except for Aaron. Tim tried an electric slide during his rendition of “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and still got no love from the judges and lots of love from the tweeners. Ryan compared Aaron to David Archuleta after Simon thought Aaron had no chance of going home despite his so-so performance of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”. Crystal finally did a Janis Joplin song, “Me And Bobby McGee” that Kara and Ellen thought was too reserved but Simon thought was the best version he had ever heard. Miley claimed Michael was her favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. The judges reminded Andrew of the “Straight Up” song again after his lost version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” failed to inspire them. Kara ranted for the first time about how Simon thought Katie was a country singer, a charge Simon denied. Randy forgot about David Cook and Chris Daughtry and declared Casey James the best guitar player in the history of the show after “The Power Of Love”. Siobhan closed the show with another screaming note at the end of “Superstition” that Randy thought was inspired, Kara thought was amazing, and had Ellen quoting from Oliver. Paige Miles will need a ticket for the summer tour after her train wreck performance of “Against All Odds” got her voted off, and because Ellen was too chicken to criticize Paige she earned her nickname for the rest of the season.

The theme for Top 10 night was R&B and instead of Stevie Wonder or Smokey Robinson as the tormentor we got Usher instead, which was fine with me as I took more shots at him than at any other tormentor this season. Siobhan inspired two rounds of judges’ comments with her exhausting rendition of Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire”, including comments about her boots, manslaughter, running a marathon, wandering off the trail, and “gilding the lily.” All this led to Siobhan crying backstage and a big sympathy hug from Michael. Usher told Michael that “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing,” and sure enough the chick judges digged Michael after his silky performance of India Arie’s “Ready For Love”. The judges pulled out all the analogies they could think of to criticize “Teflon” Tim’s weak performance of Anita Baker’s “Sweet Love”, and Tim still just smiled at them. Andrew finally got the judges to stop bringing up “Straight Up” by doing the same thing to Chris Brown’s “Forever”. The judges could still not agree on what type of artist Katie should be after she tried the diva approach with Aretha’s “Think”. Lee finally came out of his shell with “Treat Her Like A Lady”, inspiring a goosebump from me and an accurate prediction from Simon that this performance would change Lee’s life forever. Crystal wore high heels and played the piano for the one and only time this season during “Midnight Train To Georgia” just to be different. All four judges got booed after calling Didi Benami’s performance of “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” “flat line,” “dramatic,” “confusing,” and “sounded like you were swimming in jelly.” Take a guess who said the last one. After all that Ryan grilled Didi to tell all of America who she was thinking about when she cried while singing the song to Usher. No wonder Didi had some not so nice things to say about the show after she was voted off the next night.

The Top 9 saw the return of Lennon/McCartney night even though Michael Jackson no longer needed the money (sorry, I could not resist). Sir Paul sent his best wishes from as far away from the studio as he could get. Aaron’s Jedi mind tricks could not prevent the judges from criticizing his rendition of “The Long And Winding Road” as being slow and boring, kind of like a long and winding road. Katie finally showed the country in her voice with “Let It Be” and the judges thought it was her best performance of the season. “Mama Sox” Crystal Bowersox brought out a didgeridoo player for “Come Together”. The judges actually praised Tim’s performance of “All My Loving” and complimented him for taking their previous criticisms like a man. Casey had his most authentic performance to date with “Jealous Guy” and I actually praised him. After Siobhan’s soft singing performance of “Across The Universe” Kara could not comprehend that this was the same chick who unleashed all those crazy, ridiculous screams. Crystal had the line of the season when she said that new BFFs Lee and Andrew should get married and make “Danny Gokey babies.” Michael went away from his usual R&B groove to do a dramatic version of “Eleanor Rigby”, which led him to sing for his life the next night when he was the lowest vote getter. Simon sent Ryan into euphoria when he used the judge’s save and told Michael that he was coming back the next week.

I felt the need to stand up for the King of Rock & Roll when Ryan announced that the tormentor for Elvis week was Adam Lambert. I also wondered what Kris Allen and Taylor Hicks thought about Adam being the first Idol contestant to return as a tormentor. After all, they actually won. Both Kara and Simon thought Tim went from zero to hero with his rendition of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” even though Ellen thought she needed 4 tequila shots to truly appreciate it. Simon thought Lee nailed “A Little Less Conversation” after criticizing Kara for suggesting that Lee show some more playfulness on stage. Siobhan both sung and screamed “Suspicious Minds”, which confused Kara even more and led to an argument between Siobhan and Simon about the judges’ desire to put contestants into specific boxes. After Casey’s boring performance of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” the judges finally get on Casey’s case for being boring. Andrew crashed and burned when he tried to turn “Hound Dog” into “Bossa Nova Baby” and got voted off. Katie selected “Baby, What You Want Me To Do” to express her frustration with the judges. While the judges appreciated her attitude the tweeners and cougars did not and voted her off along with Andrew.

The Top 7 saw the return of Idol Gives Back week after it was cancelled last season due to lack of inspiration the season before. At least that is my theory. Alicia Keys tormented the contestants with comments about emotion rather than anything having to do with actual singing. Casey selected Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” because it was “me being in the song, me being present.” The judges were not impressed. Even cougar Kara, who had been dreaming about Casey all season, accused him of playing “jam band” instead of being sincere. Lee established himself as the dark horse with a bluesy rendition of “The Boxer”. Aaron tried very hard to fit his little voice within R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” and only got a C grade for an A effort. Siobhan dared to try a Whitney and Mariah song (“When You Believe”) and told the judges that they were idiots for trying to compare her to Whitney or Mariah. Simon thought Michael’s performance of “Hero” was artificial because the song was about Spiderman. Crystal evoked memories of Jordin Sparks with a tearful rendition of The Impressions’ “People Get Ready” that was the best of the night and in my humble opinion the best performance of the season. Tim Urban survived 2-1/2 hours of pleading for money the next night only to be told that his run of luck was done and he was finally being sent home.

Shania Twain returned for a country night that was dedicated solely to her, “the biggest crossover artist ever.” I imagine Garth Brooks might have taken exception to Ryan’s claim. Randy claimed after Lee’s performance of “You’re Still The One” that it is one of his favorite songs, adding to a catalog that must be close to 1,000 songs. Michael brought Shania to tears with “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing” even though Simon thought it was “wet.” Casey finally admitted that the judges were right to criticize him for being boring, so he tried something that sounded more sincere with “Don’t!” and got lots of praises from the judges. Crystal started her slide back to the pack with a so-so performance of ”No One Needs To Know”, even though it was an actual country arrangement and gave Ryan fodder to criticize Crystal’s boyfriend. Aaron changed up the sexual lyrics to “You’ve Got A Way” because he sang the song to his mom instead of to a girlfriend, which gave the tweeners reason to power text votes for him. Siobhan Magnus screamed her best big note of the season to no avail as the tweeners selected her to be the surprise dismissal of the season.

The producers finally selected a tormentor with some experience with the theme when they chose Harry Connick Jr. to torment the contestants on Frank Sinatra week. Harry actually went the extra mile by making the arrangements himself, bringing in his own band instead of depending on Ricky Minor and company, and taking a shot at Shania Twain for not doing the same. Harry also exchanged some mildly amusing banter with fellow New Orleans native Ellen. Casey was way out of his league and it showed with his performance of “Blue Skies”. Kara even noticed the goat vibrato that Vote for the Worst.com had been criticizing Casey for all season. Still, it was not enough to convince the cougars to vote him off even though I had predicted that very thing. On the opposite end Michael was in his element with “The Way You Look Tonight”, complete with his Sinatraesque chapeau. The judges all thought Lee was finally believing he could win this season after his gospelesque rendition of “That’s Life”, though just to be sure Kara asked Lee to write “I think I can win this thing” 100 times before next week. Aaron Kelly’s high school musicalesque version of “Fly Me to the Moon”, combined perhaps with Lee’s stronger performance, led the tweeners to finally abandon him and send him home.

The last theme night of the season was a return of last season’s Songs from the Movies night, and the producers thought it would be cool to have Jamie Foxx return to torment the contestants and plug his new movie. During rehearsals of Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” Jamie got in Lee’s grill like he did to Danny Gokey last season but it did not seem to help Lee as much as it did Danny. The tweener chicks still declared their love for him anyway. Casey sang a Jack Johnson arrangement of “Mrs. Robinson” that the other judges used to make fun of Kara. Jamie urged Crystal to make eye contact with the audience while singing Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright” because by doing so would make it no longer a song but a “testimony.” Crystal did not make much eye contact but showed some emotion while battling with Ricky Minor and the Band to be heard. Lee and Crystal rocked the house with a sweet rendition of “Falling Slowly” from the movie Once that started rumors about the two of them dating. Casey and Michael closed the show with the prerequisite Bryan Adams song “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”. Before his solo performance Michael refused the “contestant” shirt that Jamie wanted to give him instead of the “artist” shirt that he gave everyone else, but after a performance of “Will You Be There” (from Free Willy) that Kara thought he could do in his sleep and led Simon to make sexually implicit comments about whales and willies Michael probably should have taken the contestant shirt as his dream of making it to the Top 3 was shot down the next night.

When the contestants reached the Top 3 they were finally required to sing two songs, one that they chose and one that one of the judges chose for them. Casey chose “OK, It’s Alright With Me” by Eric Hutchinson because he thought it best represented him as an artist, and after his dull, monotone, and boring performance I agreed that this song probably did represent him as an artist. The judges more or less agreed with me. Casey gave the same treatment to “Daughters” by John Mayer, selected by Randy and Kara because they wanted him to sing a sincere song about women and girls. Crystal made a bid to be part of next year’s Lilith Fair tour by selecting a Melissa Etheridge song that was honest though a bit flat. Crystal’s emotions finally appeared when she sang Ellen’s choice of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, showing parts of her voice that Kara had never heard before and Simon thought Crystal would be thanking Ellen for drawing out and getting her to the finale. Lee made a bid to be part of a legends of rock tour next year by selecting Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” that was a little pitchy but a lot more emotional than Crystal’s. Lee then surpassed Simon’s expectations when he took the clichéd song that Simon chose for him, “Hallelujah”, and made it his own. I even felt a goosebump. Lee may have won the competition right then and there, especially since Casey James was eliminated and left all the chick votes for Lee.

The grand finale at the Nokia Theater featured 3 performances each from Crystal and Lee, one song that they had already sung this season, one selected by uber-producer Simon Fuller, and one selected to be their first single that was thankfully not written by either Kara or entrants in a songwriting contest. Lee started with “The Boxer” that was much more tentative than his earlier performance of the song because his nerves came back with a vengeance. Lee’s next performance of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” didn’t have enough emotion for the judges’ taste. His final performance of U2’s “Beautiful Day” was not much better than the other two, but instead of criticizing him for that the judges instead complimented Lee for his growth this season and for being such a nice guy. Crystal brought back “Me and Bobby McGee” and unlike Lee she poured on the emotion, especially at the end. The emotions changed to sassiness when she sang Allanah Myles’ “Black Velvet” in high heels. Kara thought Crystal killed herself on that stage and Simon was happy that someone had finally nailed a song that he had heard butchered hundreds of times in auditions all these years. Crystal closed the show with an emotional rendition of Patty Griffin’s “Up to the Mountain (MLK Song)” that Randy thought was one of the best performances ever and Kara thought finally brought down the emotional wall Crystal had allegedly built around herself. Ellen promised to buy any salad that Crystal made, and in his last American Idol critique Simon simply declared it “outstanding.” Crystal clearly sensed that Lee had all the momentum coming into the finale and gave it everything that she had and then some, but it was not enough to overcome the tweener and cougar vote as Lee was declared the winner of American Idol Season 9.

The Final Score: 207 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 196 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 189 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 170 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 147 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 37 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 106 shots at the audience, and 80 shots at the tormentors led by Usher with 21 and Miley Cyrus and Shania Twain with 13 each. There were 86 references to former Idol contestants, 161 references to other non-Idol performers, 47 references to Drunk Chick Paula, 30 Coca-Cola treatments, 16 iTunes plugs, 44 name drops, 13 K-word utterances, 152 yos from Big Sexy (not counting the ones he uttered during the semis), and 6 goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Season: Crystal’s performance of “It’s Alright” during Idol Gives Back week still solicits goosebumps in me just by thinking about it, but then again I’ve always been a sucker for songs by The Impressions. Lee first established himself as a contender with “Treat Her Like A Lady” during R&B week and solidified it with his performance of “Hallelujah”. Once again Simon gets kudos for selecting a song that brought out the best in a contestant. Honorable mentions to Siobhan Magnus for her wild and spooky version of “Paint It Black” and to Andrew Garcia for his rendition of “Straight Up” during Hollywood Week that really was genius even though this was beaten to death by the judges.

Idol Gives Back: Let’s be honest, I suck at reading the minds of tweeners and cougars. I finished with a record of 10-12, not even getting to .500. Usually I clean up during the semis and take a beating during the final 12 since the tweener/cougar vote is not as influential then, but this year I was only 5-5. I didn’t help that my DVR crapped out during two of the dude nights. In the finals I like many predicted Tim Urban’s departure twice before he left, but Casey James hurt my average more than Tim or anyone else as it took 4 predictions before he finally left. On the plus side I did correctly predict the departures of Jermaine Sellers, John Park, Alex Lambert, Paige Miles, Didi Benami, and eventually Casey James. I am particularly proud of my Didi prediction because that was the only week that I correctly predicted the entire bottom 3 (her, Katie, and Tim) and the Clash of the Titans promo.

The Fearless Predictions: And now the moment you have all read this lengthy post just to get too, my fearless predictions for the future of the Top 12:

Lee DeWyze will release an album that will tank and then enjoy a modest career on the county fair circuit as the new lead singer of Chicago.

Crystal Bowersox will be part of Lilith Fair 2011 and then make a Jason Castro baby with her goofy boyfriend, or perhaps with Lee.

Casey James will bring his special form of blues to the Circle M every Saturday night. Girls who bring panties will get in for half price.

Michael Lynche will become the new spokesperson for GNC and sing the Season 11 (and final) Idol going home song.

Aaron Kelly will land a recurring role in Glee.

Siobhan Magnus will record a duet with Adam Lambert, marry into a rich Cape Cod family, and become the rich but eccentric aunt that we all wish that we had.

Tim Urban is already in Las Vegas gambling that his run of luck will transfer to the craps table.

Andrew Garcia will fulfill his father’s dream and become the lead janitor for the Los Angeles Unified School District. The kids will love his appearances as the singing custodian during their holiday pageants.

Katie Stevens will have a moment of inspiration and realize that Simon was right and that she can make millions as a country singer.

Didi Benami will return to Tennessee and find steady work at Dollywood, which she will use as a platform to tell the world what a terrible judge of talent the Idol judges are.

Paige Miles will discover the singing voice that the judges kept claiming was there and use it to join the cast of the revival of Dreamgirls.

Lacey Brown will call Megan Joy Corkrey and tell her that the judges were right to pick Megan over her last season.

The Armchair Idol Judge will return to the gym on Tuesday nights, spend more quality time with the judge’s significant other, and...

And...

Well, the jury is still out on whether I will recap Season 10. Without either Captain Jack or Drunk Chick to take shots at American Idol is bound to be a lot less interesting and a lot less worth my time and lost sleep to write about, especially since my time has become much more valuable in the last year (and sleep is always valuable, ask your doctor). My comrade in arms Spasm has already decided to close her American Idol blog (and she’s been doing this for far longer than me) and even the Vote for the Worst guys are talking about not coming back, though they have vowed to follow Simon over to The X-Factor.

Another factor is that the hit count to this site is about 1/3 of what it was last season. I don’t know if that is because of the general apathy about the show that has caused Idol’s TV ratings to drop or if it is because I lost my audience after not bothering to recap the Hollywood Week shows. If fewer of you are reading then the lesser my motivation there is to writing. I’m not getting paid for this you know. And let’s be honest, the producers of Idol don’t care about me because I am not a 13 year old girl or the mother of one.

Still, I will likely miss sharing my snarky comments about American Idol with the rest of the universe. I think I will wait and see who the producers select to replace Captain Jack and perhaps watch a couple of the audition shows next January and then decide. So I guess we’ll all find out together then.

Case dismissed.

Stick a Fork In It Cuz It's Done

A few thoughts on the finale, since I don't recap results shows...

While I thought Lee deserved to be in the Top 2 and he seems like a genuinely nice guy, I am a little disappointed by the result. It's because once again the best singer did not win a singing competition. I think I got caught up in the moment Tuesday night when I predicted that Crystal would win since she clearly cleaned Lee's clock (or perhaps it was just the lack of sleep) because on Wednesday I began thinking that is was more likely that Lee would win because all of the cougars and tweeners that had been splitting their vote between Lee and that poser Casey James were all going to vote for the cute (and I believe single) dude over the more talented chick. Just like last season...

I was glad to see Drunk Chick return to the Idol stage last night, though I bet I was not the only person at the edge of my seat wondering what Paula was going to say on live television...

Just as I had predicted the pants on the ground guy made an appearance in the finale. I was surprised to see William Hung join him though. I cannot believe that 6 years after a 20 second appearance on a audition show Hung is still making public appearances...

Too bad they didn't let the Birdman sing his Simon tribute song. Brothers forever, man...

Season 7 winner David Cook's absence from the Simon tribute was pretty glaring considering all of the other Idol winners were there. I read that Fox claimed that Cook had a conflicting charity event Wednesday night, which sounds all well and good until you wonder why Cook would schedule something on the same night as the finale that as a former winner he would likely be asked to attend. Also makes you wonder what charity would hold an event the same night as the Idol finale...

Interesting how after bringing in a bunch of young mentors like Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys the producers went all old school in the finale with Janet Jackson, Chicago, Alannis Morrisette, Bret Michaels, Michael McDonald, The Bee Gees, and Alice Cooper. I think Christina Aguilera was the only non-Idol performer who wouldn't remember watching the first moon landing...

Any idea who the guy in the hat was that tried to have a Kanye West moment? Beats me who he is...

I'm no fan of Dane Cook but his song was way too short...

One nice byproduct of all of the Simon tributes was that they didn't have those stupid awards again, nor did we have to see Horny Chick sing in a bikini...

I don't know why they bother to have "hosts" for the live remotes from the Top 2's home towns. Really, have any of them ever said anything informative?...

Am I the only one who thinks that Janet Jackson looks much better with longer hair? I would make a snarky comment about her age except that she is the same age as me...

Trained Seal was right, if it weren't for Simon Cowell American Idol would not be the show it is today. He was the one that brought the viewers in, the one that set American Idol apart from Star Search and all the other talent shows that occupy the vast TV wasteland. He was also the one who gave Gordon Ramsey a career on TV and rescued Paula Abdul and David Hasselhoff from total oblivion, but that is another story. He was the reality check, the splash of water to the face, the gatekeeper, the one who spoke for us. He was not afraid to tell a bad singer that they were bad, a refreshing change in this age of helicopter parents and coddled kids. Since Captain Jack was so found of analogies I found one on the web that seems oh so right, he was the dragon that had to be slayed to get to the pot of gold...

In case you wonder why I refer to Simon as Captain Jack first click on this link and scroll down to the recap of Carly Smithson's performance of "Blackbird", and then click on this link and scroll down to the recap of David Cook's performance of "Little Sparrow", or just click on this...

Since I didn't bother to recap some of the audition shows or any of Hollywood Week I will have a shorter than usual season recap posted in a week or so that will include my award winning fearless predictions of what lies ahead for the Top 12...

The Final Voyage of Captain Jack Sparrow

We have finally reached the grand finale of Season 9 and not a moment too soon. Every year at this time I feel like it has been years since the first audition shows back in January. Funny that time never seems to run that slow for everything else in my life. If time flies if you have fun, what does that say about this show? I am afraid to learn the answer...

For the first time since I began recapping Idol back in Season 5, I believe that the final 2 contestants were truly the best 2 performers this season. In past seasons there was usually at least 1 contestant in the finale who was there because of looks, or age, or gender, or anything else besides singing. Since this is supposed to be a singing competition it is comforting to see that the producers and the tweener chicks finally got it right this time.

“What does it take to be an Idol?” we are asked to start the show. “Is it just luck, or is it something else?” Well, there is looks, age, gender... You get the idea. 7,000 screaming family, friends, and tweener chicks are in the Nokia Theater at LA Live for this season’s final show. Trained Seal strides down the stairs imported from the old studio and marvels that tonight’s finalists both came from the Chicago auditions, both are 24 years old, and both are “in it to win it.” Ryan also acknowledges that this week is Captain Jack’s final week on the show, which gets acknowledged again and again throughout the program. Funny how there were no similar acknowledgements and tributes for Drunk Chick when she left the show last season.

Speaking of the Angel of Death, rumor has it that Paula will make a return appearance during tomorrow’s results show as part of an all star tribute to Captain Jack’s bon voyage. Didn't Drunk Chick appear on Barbara Walters’ show last year and claim that Simon was part of the vast Idol conspiracy to discredit her and drive her to drinking? And now she is coming back to say goodbye to him? Perhaps it is also to promote her new CBS dance reality show that will debut next year. That is all we need, another goofy dance show across the hall.

Tonight the two finalists will actually have to sing three songs instead of two. Song one is their favorite from this past season, song two is chosen by unseen uber producer Simon Fuller, and the last song is one that will be their first recorded single/slave task for uber producer Clive Davis. In past seasons the final two also had to sing a song of their choice that was always a song they had already sang this season, but this is the first time that Trained Seal actually admitted that they had to choose a song they had already performed rather than leave it as an implied coincidence. Must be because Simon is leaving. Another welcome change is that the last song is not the weak winner of a goofy songwriting contest nor is it a weaker song written by Horny Chick, the song writing expert. Instead it is an actual song recorded by actual artists that will be subjected to the same karaoke treatment that every other song sung this season has been subjected to. I can only imagine what special things the producers will do when Big Sexy finally decides to get out of his chair and start his own reality competition with a three judge panel.

Alright, let’s get this started. The phone lines are open for 4 hours tonight and my goal is to complete this recap before the lines are closed, in case there is someone out there who is actually paying attention.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel, from Idol Gives Back Week: Tonight instead of Coca-Cola interviews from Trained Seal we get Coca-Cola videos featuring the parents. Lee’s parents tell us that he wanted to be a shortstop when he was a kid but after getting a guitar all he wanted to do was sit around and write songs, some of which his parents still have. That is so sweet; they probably have them taped up to the refrigerator. Lee starts the song very slow and subdued and he more or less stays there for the entire song. His vocal was just OK except for the second verse where the phrasing seemed sloppy to me. I seem to recall his first attempt at this song was better. Big Sexy, wearing his traditionally purple finale coat he stole from Prince’s closet, utters 5 yos and thought it was nice but not very energetic and gets booed for his troubles. Chicken Little E could not be prouder if she had given birth to Lee. It truly is a different world, isn't it? Horny Chick agrees with Randy but does not get booed because she thinks Lee is meaningful and believable. Captain Jack expected more emotion and, in his final analogy of his Idol career, compared it to a kiss on the cheek when he was expecting a kiss on the lips, though of course not from Lee. The producers turn on the bumper music to cut Captain Jack off from saying anything more candid and personal.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin, from Top 11 #1 songs week from so long ago: In her Coca-Cola video Crystal’s dad talks about how she started singing after rummaging through his closet looking for Christmas presents and finding his guitar instead. Good thing he stashed his Playboys somewhere else. Crystal also talks about how her first gig was in a coffee house in a mall, the first of thousands of appearances in coffee houses all over the upper Midwest. Crystal’s acoustic start seemed a bit rushed, though she seemed to get more on pace when the audience started their now customary overhead clapping. Crystal is verrrry sloooooowly building up to the big screaming finish, but when she finally got there Crystal poured on the emotion. That alone puts here ahead of sleepy Lee. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, repeats what I said about the slow build up, but thought it was “dope, dude.” Crystal too is just one of the guys. Chicken Little E thinks that Crystal is compelling and stunning. Horny Chick thinks Crystal told us so much about what type of artist she will be, which is convenient since Horny Chick could not figure out what type of artist any of these contestants should be. Captain Jack thinks Crystal has not been herself for the past month but that she finally went back to the type of artist that he fell in love with way back when.

Lee DeWyze, “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M., chosen by Simon Fuller: The tweeners, perhaps sensing a potential rout in the making, start screeching for Lee right from the first note. Again, Lee is more or less in tune though slightly off pitch, though he is more spirited than his first performance. Again the producers send out a choir to help boost Lee’s confidence and hide his singing voice. Is it just me, or is Lee’s voice weaker now than it has been this season? I hope his nerves are not acting up again after spending the last 3 months trying to suppress them. Again, it was just OK. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, compliments Lee for showing more emotion, and declares that Lee pulled it together after starting out pitchy. No boos this time. Chicken Little E doesn't care that Lee went off a couple of times because it is all about the performance. She finally has an actual criticism when she tells Lee that he kept building up the emotion but kept pulling back too soon, something Horny Chick probably knows all too well. Horny Chick did not think this was Lee’s best vocal but she still feels emotionally accessible to Lee, right after Casey dumped her because of his elimination. Captain Jack thought the other Simon made a brilliant song choice but that Lee was off the melody at times. He thinks Lee is getting nervous again and all but begs him to sing better when he does his last song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Black Velvet” by Allanah Myles, also chosen by Simon Fuller: The other Simon must not have turned on a radio since the 80’s given his song choices. Crystal starts the song at the top of the stairs and actually manages to make it down while wearing high heels and singing at the same time. She might be chewing gum too. Crystal is in full sassy mode, abandoning the coffee house emo for lots of shouting, including not one but two big screams reminiscent of her former roommate Siobhan Magnus. Still, it is clear that she is giving it all she has left. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 2 “mamasoxes,” and thinks she is in it to win it again. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about Cher and costume changes. Horny Chick thinks that tonight “is the night to kill yourself on that stage.” Somewhere in Fox Tower there is probably a programming exec who right now is calculating the ratings boost a live suicide would bring. Thank goodness that Crystal doesn't follow the judges’ advice because I would be really sad to see her go that way. Captain Jack talks about how much he hates this song because of all of the Idol auditioners who have butchered it over the years, so he is really impressed with how well Crystal nailed it. Trained Seal gets Crystal to admit that she is shaking on stage but also allows her to send a shout-out to the folks way in the back, over by the Staples Center.

Lee DeWyze, “Beautiful Day” by U2: This is supposed the song that Lee will first record if he wins the competition, though Trained Seal neglects to mention who selected the song. I guess it depends on how well Lee sings it. If he sings it well it was Clive Davis’ choice, if he does not then it was clearly Lee’s choice. This time instead of a choir Lee is surrounded by an army of standing violinists, though as usually I cannot hear any of them over the rest of the band. This is a song with some very difficult phrasing, especially at the beginning, and Lee is struggling with it big time. Lee is also struggling with finishing his verses, almost as if he has forgotten the words. His pacing around the stage is not helping his efforts. He is trying very hard to fit this song within his style and it is not quite working very well. Lee finally settles down when he gets to the chorus when he stops walking and starts shouting. Not quite the high note finish he and his tweener fans were hoping for though. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, admires Lee for walking out of his comfort zone by walking and singing at the same time, and admires Lee’s groovy “’strong big rock voice.” Chicken Little E wonders how Lee feels and thinks he is fully present. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Lee of getting lost in the song and quickly tries to stop the booing by talking about how much Lee has grown this season and deserves to be in the finale. Captain Jack quickly mentions that Lee made the most as he could with the song, and then he just wants to say that it was because of guys like Lee that American Idol was created; well that and all the money American Idol has put in Captain Jack’s pockets. Trained Seal asks Lee for his final thoughts, and Lee bumbles a bit about how he wants to do this for the rest of his life.

Crystal Bowersox, “Up to the Mountain (MLK Song)” by Patty Griffin: After two shouting numbers Crystal closes the show with a slower, acoustic song with her signature guitar. The producers finally allow someone else besides Lee to use the choir. One of these days the producers will actually turn on their microphones. There is some shouting from Crystal in this song as well but not as much as the other two performances. As usual Crystal stays in tune and on pitch and closes the season with a tear in her eye. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought it was one of the greatest performances ever. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is unique and unlike any contemporary artist in the business. I guess Ellen has not been to a coffee house recently. Ellen also promises to not only buy Crystal’s album but to buy any salad she would make too. Horny Chick thinks Crystal was amazing because she finally brought down the emotional wall she built around herself and started shouting instead. Horny Chick loves the screaming chicks. Before he has a chance to say anything Crystal thanks Captain Jack for his criticisms and for his service to Queen and country. Captain Jack declares this performance to be the best of the night, and in his final American Idol critique ever Simon says “that was outstanding” and nothing more. Trained Seal asks Crystal to sum up her ride this season, and Crystal is beside herself, and Ryan, and says that she is now ready for anything.

Trained Seal closes the show by admitting that he will miss his bromantic partner Simon and that the show would not be here without him. For example, Trained Seal would be a morning DJ somewhere in Ohio or something instead of the multi-millionaire media mogul he is today. This season’s flashback video is accompanied by the goodbye song by British Pop Idol winner Will Young. Sadly the producers show us more of the audience and Will than the video. Even the pants on the ground guy gets the shaft.

Next week the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen gets this time slot. Don’t worry, my sweet, I won’t be recapping it.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon (who I will miss even more than Paula ;-(; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 6 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (plus the choir), 6 shots at the audience, and 3 shots at the other Simon. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers, and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola video treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 1 name drop, 1 K-word utterance, 12 yos from Big Sexy, 2 Mamasox utterances, 2 uber producers, 2 coffee house references, 2 instances of walking and singing at the same time, 1 suggested suicide, 1 more goofy dance show, 1 final Captain Jack analogy, another choir appearance, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal brought her A-game tonight and outclassed Lee on all three rounds. Usually Captain Jack declares a winner after each round but out of respect for Lee he refrained from even coming close to do so tonight. He is so ready to leave.

Idol Gives Back: Thank you to all of the cougars who finally realized this is a singing competition and not a Mr. America pageant, or else you might not be reading this right now. Not that Casey was that bad of a singer, but he was nowhere near the same class of singer as either Crystal or Lee. I feel better now that the poser is gone.

The Fearless Prediction: Based on tonight’s performances alone Crystal should be the clear winner, but then there is the tweener chick and cougar vote to contend with and judging from the screeches in the audience they seem to favor the dude over the chick, similar to what they have been doing all season. And if you have been following my blog all season you know how bad I have been at predicting how they think. So rather than try and read their minds I am instead going to go with my gut and predict that Crystal Bowersox will be the American Idol for Season 9.

Amazed To Be In It To Win It

I noted a couple of seasons ago that the Top 3 night is probably my favorite week of the Idol season. I have to admit that I enjoy the videos of the last three contestants making their triumphant tours of their hometowns. I know, I am such a softie.

The other reason I love this week is because this is the week that the judges get to choose one of the contestant’s songs. It not only provides a window into what the judges think of the contestants, it also provides a window into the judges themselves. Last season when Horny Chick was surprised to learn that Captain Jack actually spent time with Adam Lambert rather than just choosing the song and hitting the beach, it clearly showed who gave a damn and who was just collecting the check and the fame.

I have said many times this season how much I miss Paula Abdul, but no more so than this week. I did some research last season and found out that Drunk Chick had never selected the song for the eventual winner. The contestant that she selected the song for was either drummed out the next night or the next week, implying of course that Paula’s song choice had something to do with it. This was certainly true in Season 5 when the Angel of Death selected some lame Donny Hathaway song for Elliot Yamin while Captain Jack chose “Over the Rainbow” for Katherine McPhee. Both did fine with their performances but, in one of the closest votes in Idol history (at least that is what Trained Seal claimed at the time), Elliott was voted off the show. Coincidence? I don’t think so. That is why when the Angel of Death selected Danny Gokey’s song last season I was so certain that he was going to get voted off, and so he was. Of course now with Drunk Chick hanging out in some bar instead of the judges table I suspect it will be a lot harder to determine who will be sent home tomorrow without having to actually listen to the performances.

Again so Fox can showcase Glee the contestants only have to sing two songs tonight instead of three, one they choose and one the judges choose. That means again that Clive Davis, once a fixture of these Top 3 shows since his company gets the first born and right arm of the winner (otherwise known as a “recording contract”), can extend his boycott of the show. That apparently will not be the case next year, as Fox has announced that the performance shows will revert back to 90 minutes and the result shows will revert back to 30 minutes. Not that it matters to me since it is 50-50 I will be recapping Season 10.

Trained Seal seems on speed tonight as he is way too enthusiastic when introducing the audience, the judges, and the contestants on this, “the fight for the finale.” Let’s get ready to rumble!

Cool, Texas’s Casey James, “OK, It’s Alright with Me” by Eric Hutchinson: Casey says that he chose this song because he thinks it best represents him as an artist. He starts a little off pitch but quickly recovers. The song has a catchy beat; I tapped my feet the whole song. However, Casey’s vocal was dull, monotone, and boring. I agree, this song probably does best represent him as an artist. At least he kept the goat back at the farm. Big Sexy utters 1 yo but did not think that the song worked because it was too safe. The audience cannot muster enough energy to boo so they only murmur. Chicken Little E thinks that “this is the moment” to “live or die,” and that Casey did not quite reach that moment, though of course he is still great. Horny Chick criticizes Casey for choosing a song that no one has heard of since “you can’t take it to the next level and make it your own.” I guess Horny Chick has been so blinded by Casey’s golden locks that she has not noticed that Casey has been selecting little known songs all season and not making them his own. Never mind that she, and all the other judges, usually criticize contestants for choosing songs that everyone has heard of because they cannot make them their own. Captain Jack compares Casey’s performance to the salad before the dinner because something better will be coming later. Simon then pours on the analogies by claiming it sounded like someone buskering for a couple of dollars. Thanks to Captain Jack using that term last season on forgotten contestant Brett Smith I now know what “busker” means so I do not have to look it up. Trained Seal reminds us that tonight we get a two-course meal, whether it is dessert or a plate of vegetables remains to be seen.

Elliston, Ohio’s Crystal Bowersox, “Come to My Window” by Melissa Etheridge: During her Coca-Cola treatment Crystal tells Trained Seal that she chose this song because it is one of her favorites since it talks about passion and love. She also thinks having fun is the most important thing tonight; oh there is that winning the competition too. Crystal brings back the Neil Young harmonica along with her souvenir guitar and crystal mic stand, and brings in a bit of a country twang to the song. Crystal shows a lot more range and emotion than Casey did even though the songs have somewhat similar arrangements. Just an OK singing performance though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 2 heys, gets booed for disliking the arrangement and tries to get cheers by claiming to like the vocal. Chicken Little E thinks Melissa Etheridge would be proud. Horny Chick agrees with the “guys” again and thought that Crystal got lost in the arrangement but still sang it well. Captain Jack was not impressed by the singing but lauds Crystal for an honest performance and for not compromising the entire season, unlike the poser who preceded her. Trained Seal plays reporter and wants to know how Crystal feels as if she just survived a train wreck. Crystal claims to be elated.

Mount Pleasant, Illinois’ Lee DeWyze, “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynard: I do not recall any Top 12 Idol contestant ever singing a Skynard song before. Not even Adam Lambert took them on. A Lynyrd Skynard theme would be cool only if someone dared to sing “Free Bird”, or perhaps “That Smell”. After quickly dropping an iTunes plug during the Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal claims that Lee is a changed man since returning from his hometown tour. Lee talks about how he can relate to the lyrics of the song, I guess because he is a simple man, but I could not hear exactly why because some screeching tweener chicks drown him out. His first notes are somewhat strained, both his vocals and the ones from his guitar. The second lyric is a little better. The chorus is a little flat vocally but Lee’s emotions are clearly on display. He is giving it his all. Lee waves at Ricky and the band at the end of the song; either that or he is flipping them the bird. I cannot tell for sure. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, thought it was a brilliant song choice, and thinks Lee is in it to win it. Chicken Little E thinks that is what we are talking about and talks about how Lee has grown from a baby lamb to a gazelle, or an impala, or (Big Sexy’s choice) a jaguar. Horny Chick commends Lee for sharing everything he has with us. Captain Jack asks Lee why he chose this song. I guess he was not listening when Trained Seal asked him the same question a few minutes ago. To be sure Lee repeats what he said before. Unlike what usually happens when Captain Jack asks these types of questions, Simon thought that Lee “absolutely nailed it” and crushed the other two contestants. Lee waves to the crowd and Trained Seal forces him to admit that the wave “has meaning.”

Casey James, “Daughters” by John Mayer, selected by Big Sexy and Horny Chick: For the second straight year Horny Chick, the self-proclaimed songwriting expert, is not trusted with selecting a song by herself. Trained Seal asks Big Sexy why he, and not we, chose this song for Casey. Randy talks about the John Mayer box that he wants Casey to fit into, I guess because he was not enthused about the box Casey selected for himself earlier. Horny Chick wants to fit Casey into the emo box again and urges Casey to sing to his audience, “women and girls.” Anyone who still wonders why Casey is still in the competition should have no doubt any more. It’s the audience stupid. Randy may be on to something here because Casey does sound a bit like John Mayer with this song. After a bunch of ballads the tweeners have finally started waiving their arms. Much like Casey’s first performance it is rather monotone and dull. Even the self-indulgent guitar solo left something to be desired. While Crystal and Lee are singing like it is the most important night of their lives Casey is singing like he is back at the Circle M. Still, it was better than his first song. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and compliments himself for choosing a song that fit Casey so well. Chicken Little E thought it was beautiful. Horny Chick also compliments Randy, I mean her and Randy, for the song choice because it showed Casey’s sympathetic side that he has otherwise struggled with like a poser usually does. Captain Jack thought Big Sexy’s song choice was better than Casey’s but that the arrangement was dull and lacking any big vocal moments. He then, much like last year, blames Randy and Kara for not working with Casey enough/at all. Horny Chick jumps to Big Sexy’s defense, saying that the reason the song did not have any “wow factor” was “because that’s the way it’s written. Randy, right or wrong?” I will acknowledge the songwriting expert’s claim that the song was not written for a wow moment but, as usual, Horny Chick missed Captain Jack’s point that she and Big Sexy should not have selected a song without a wow moment on the most important night of Casey’s life. Prior to reading the three numbers (1.5 per song instead of 1) Trained Seal tries to assure Casey that the judges’ comments sounded like approval.

Prior to talking to Ellen Trained Seal gives a shout out to Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks, stars of the new Fox show debuting tomorrow night if you care.

Crystal Bowersox, “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney, selected by Chicken Little E: While visiting the AT&T store somewhere in Ohio Crystal seems amazed by Chicken Little E’s song choice, though she still thinks it is all good. Ellen chose this song because it is amazing and Crystal is amazing, and maybe I’m amazed by all of the amazement. Ellen also wants to see some more range from Crystal because Casey is clearly not providing enough. Crystal sings this song straight, right down to keeping the “man” lyrics in the song, as in “maybe I’m a man...” and so on. She also kept McCartney’s bluesy shouting of the chorus to thrill the audience. That part was indeed well done. Crystal breathes a big sigh of relief when she is done. Big Sexy utters 3 yos, 2 heys, and thinks Crystal is also in it to win it. Chicken Little E was happy that Crystal did what she hoped Crystal would do with the song. Horny Chick is amazed to have heard parts of Crystal’s voice that she had not heard before. Crystal is too. Captain Jack was initially amazed by the song choice but that she proved with this performance that she has soul and will thank Chicken Little E for putting her in the finale. Crystal claims to Trained Seal that she was really in her comfort zone while he admires her boots.

Lee DeWyze, “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen, selected by Captain Jack: I read an interview on Sunday with K.D. Lang saying that “Hallelujah” should be forever banned from the airwaves because it has been covered so many times, including by K.D. herself. Since there are usually about 1000 contestants who sing this song on Idol each season I cannot help by agree. This makes me wonder why Captain Jack, who usually is the most creative of the judges when it comes to selecting songs, chose it for Lee. Perhaps it is a case of senioritis. Simon does admit that we have heard this song too many times but that we have not heard it like Lee is about to do it. Lee starts with an acoustic arrangement before the strings come in with the first chorus. The 8 person choir is back to help Lee sing the second verse. He is back to trying to swallow the mic again, but like Crystal he is showing a lot of range and a lot of emotion. Very dramatic and well done. Hey, is that a goose bump? Captain Jack beams like a proud papa while Lee gets an extended ovation. Big Sexy shouts out 1 yo, gives props to Captain Jack for the song choice and arrangement, and claims that no one threw down the gauntlet this season like Lee just did. Chicken Little E is too stunned to be coherent. Horny Chick claims that this is what it is all about and that Lee has been the heart of the show all season. Captain Jack is proud of Lee because he is a great singer and an even better person. Lee, not Simon. Trained Seal again asks how Lee feels. Lee feels kind of stunned but still in the moment.

Trained Seal says good night by begging us not to abandon the person that we have invested in all season!

The Final Score: 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 15 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 12 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 12 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 6 shots at the audience, and 1 shot at Clive Davis the former tormentor. There were 5 references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 6 references to Drunk Chick/Angel of Death Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 web site plugs, 1 quick summer tour plug, 1 name drop, 0 K-word utterances, 8 yos from Big Sexy (he was quite frugal tonight), 4 heys from Big Sexy, 2 references to dinner, 1 case of senioritis, 1 sigh of relief, another possible bird flip, and 1 goose bump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: I am forced to agree with Horny Chick that Lee owned the night with both of his performances. Crystal’s second song earns the third star despite the fact that Ellen chose the song.

Idol Gives Back: Once again the favorite coming out of the semis failed to make it to the finale, let alone win it. During the semis Michael Lynche showed himself to be the best performer of the group, but while the others (yes, even Casey) picked their game up during the finals Michael seemed to regress a bit. The sad part is that if Michael were better looking, like say Casey, he probably would still be in the competition and not needed Captain Jack to save him for elimination several months, I mean weeks, ago.

The Fearless Prediction: For the last several weeks it has become clear that Lee and Crystal were the class of the field this season, and tonight it was more obvious than ever. The only way I can see Casey making it past tomorrow is if the tweeners and the cougars, otherwise known as his audience, feel sorry for Casey and try to keep him on the show. And if that happens, then I will renew my pledge that I made if Aaron Kelly won and seriously reconsider recapping this show next week, let alone next season, if Casey wins.

It's No Longer a Song, It's a Testimony

Remember back when the Top 5 had to sing 2 solo songs? Ever since Fox gave up on this show and wanted to instead save time for other shows like Fringe and Glee the Idol contestants have not been tested like their predecessors were. Another thing that has not been tested since then has been my endurance, having to listen to and recap twice as many songs. So perhaps I do not miss it that much after all.

Tonight’s theme is songs from the movies. When this was the theme last year I commented that it was a sign that the show may have jumped the shark. But then I made this claim: “I guess one can argue that this show is immune to shark attack, at least until Drunk Chick or Captain Jack leave Idol.” American Idol, meet Jaws.

Trained Seal begins the show by talking about dreams and how the movie theme is fit for someone who wants to be a star. I am wondering which show he is talking about. “And who better to help us, “ Trained Seal tells us, than tonight’s tormentor Jamie Foxx, a man with a “career without boundaries” and apparently a multi-platinum recording artist. I learned something new today. Jamie is also a repeat from last season when he mentored the students on songs from the Rat Pack since, as I noted at the time, Harry Connick Jr. was apparently not available. Oh the irony. At least tonight’s theme is a better fit for Jamie this time.

Seems like this week’s recap is also going to be a repeat like the theme and tormentor, doesn't it?

Lee DeWyze, “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal, from Batman Forever: I did not know that this song was in a Batman movie. I've learned two things now in the span of 5 minutes. Jamie gets in Lee’s grill like he did to Danny Gokey last season, which Captain Jack thought did wonders for the widower. Let’s see if the same magic works for Lee. Starting out it does not seem that way, as Lee is very pitchy. To make matters worse he missed his one falsetto note. His pitchiness stays there for pretty much the rest of the song, though when he shouted the chorus it was a little better. Still, it was perhaps his worse performance in several weeks. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, points out the pitchiness, thought he did nothing with the song, and still finds time to name drop Bon Jovi. He also gets booed twice. Chicken Little E still thinks Lee is great even though she kind of sees what Randy is talking about. Horny Chick gets interrupted by a couple of tweener chicks who shout out “we love you Lee!” That did not seem to help Aaron when they shouted that at him. It might have been the same chicks. After acknowledging the pleas for a date Horny Chick thinks Lee got lost and out of tune while singing a difficult song but like Chicken Little E she still thinks Lee is great. Sounds like the chicks are trying to solicit the sympathy vote that got Casey through last week. Captain Jack agrees with Randy and gets booed too. He also thought the performance verged on karaoke and a little plastic bird drops down from above. And suddenly I am channeling Dennis Miller, but I could be wrong.

Michael Lynche, “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson, from Free Willy: Michael admits in his Coca-Cola treatment that he is feeling the pressure from his family and from his city, since next week the remaining contestants get the star treatment and keys to the city from their hometowns. He also says that his goal has been to reach the Top 3, something Chicken Little E gets on his case about afterwards. Jamie dances and spares with Mike just to show that he is a man. Jamie has “contestant” and “artist” T-shirts for each contestant, and whichever one he thinks they are is the one he gives them. Mike is the only one that gets a “contestant” T-shirt, which he refuses to accept, just like he has been refusing to accept any of the judges’ comments this season. Mike starts with a decent low register, and then settles into a safe and predictable groove. It was better sung but not performed as well as Big Mike usually does. Big Sexy utters 5 rapid yos and wonders why Mike did not predictably choose another R&B number. Chicken Little E strains to make a Free Willy joke and says that you can’t go wrong with a choir backing you up, all 5 of them in this case. She then as mentioned before gets on Michael’s case for not setting his goal to win instead of just being in the Top 3. Horny Chick thought Michael could have done this performance in his sleep, which he pretty much did. She also misses the goose bumps when he sang “Woman’s Work” and “I’m Ready for Love”. I miss goose bumps from anybody this season. Captain Jack is confused because he does not know about the movie. He gets even more confused after Michael explains to him that the movie is about a whale named Willy. Then when Horny Chick tries to claim that Free Willy is not just about a whale Captain Jack asks “well is it about a willy?” eliciting nervous laughter from Big Sexy. Ellen refuses Trained Seal’s baiting to continue the homo-banter about willies.

Duet #1, Lee and Crystal, “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, from Once: Kris Allen sang this song last season and I wondered then if anyone had ever heard of it. Turns out it was an Oscar winner. I am learning so much tonight. Crystal is wearing a shoulderless blouse for the first time, and for the first time we get a glimpse of the big tattoo on Crystal’s back that she has been keeping secret all this time. Siobhan got booted after she showed her tattoo, which may explain why Crystal has been hiding it, perhaps in Casey’s secret box. It is dueling guitars and Lee is singing better than his solo performance. Both of them are singing pretty well until Ricky and the band drowns them and their guitars out. Big Sexy throws out 3 quick yos because that is what he is talkin' about. Chicken Little E thought it was great, of course, and name drops Captain and Tennille. Horny Chick loved the chemistry and thought is was one of the best moments of this season. Captain Jack thought it was a fantastic song. Trained Seal tries to play up the sexual chemistry between Lee and Crystal and manages to get Crystal to admit that Lee has been her “musical crush” since they sat next to each other at their Chicago audition. Ryan senses a chance to make himself sound like a heterosexual but Crystal politely reminds him that she said “musical.”

Casey James, “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel, from The Graduate: Jamie is excited to be tormentoring a fellow Texan. He urges Casey to try to seduce him with his eyes or at least pretend to in order to be an artist. Casey kind of struggles with this even though he has been pretending to be an artist all season. Casey set aside his electric guitar for Jason Castro’s uke, and dares to venture in the mosh pit to sing this song surrounded by adoring tweener chicks. Casey has tweaked this song into a Jack Johnson type of arrangement rather than the blues that he claims to love to sing every week. He still sticks to the same three chords and still has a bit of a goat vibrato that Horny Chick finally noticed last week. It was just OK but it was better than last week’s performance. Big Sexy fires 4 quick yos (he has been quick with the yos tonight for some reason) and thought Casey did not do anything different. Randy also asked Casey why he chose this song and what it means to him. Casey is of course not specific because that is what posers do. Big Sexy then shows his cards by suggesting that Casey chose the song as a dedication to Horny Chick. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about Casey’s uke, likes that he did something different, and then turns it over to “Mrs. Robinson.” Horny Chick feigns being offended by the jokes, and then tells Casey that she thinks he is fighting to stay in the competition by choosing a song that he has to feel attached to (i.e. actually sing) rather than play “jam band” again. Captain Jack joins in on the Mrs. Robinson joke by asking Horny Chick what the movie is about. He then gets serious, and subsequently booed, by saying that Casey’s performance was lazy and lacked any substance. What do you think I have been saying all this time?

Crystal Bowersox, “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins, from Caddyshack: Trained Seal, like me, wonders about Crystal’s sing choice during her Coca-Cola treatment. He also wonders if Crystal is upset that the judges have been picking on her the last 2 weeks, not wanting to admit that the comments have been a deliberate effort to gain her sympathy votes and keep her on the show in what was supposed to be a chick’s year. Crystal is star struck to be in the presence of Jamie and thus cannot bring herself to make eye contact with the mega star. Jamie urges Crystal to make that eye contact so it is “no longer a song, it’s a testimony.” Amen, brother. Crystal starts solo but the band quickly jumps in to drown her out again. Crystal fights back and shouts out the last few verses for emphasis. I liked this bluesy arrangement and Crystal’s shouting. It was not her best but it was the best of the night among the solo performances. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and thinks Crystal earned her “artist” T-shirt. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about being “crystallized” and only Big Sexy laughs. Kara agrees with Randy and Ellen. Captain Jack thinks Crystal is “back in the game” though I do not think she was ever in danger of being on the sideline. Trained Seal goes off on Crystal’s boyfriend’s lack of rhythm, showing that he is again off his meds.

Duet #2, Casey and Michael, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” by Bryan Adams, from Don Juan DeMarco: A movie theme night would not be complete without at least one Bryan Adams song. I still wonder, like I did last year, why Idol has not ever had a Bryan Adams theme night. He is still around, isn't he? Casey starts with a self-indulgent flamenco guitar solo and hogs the entire first verse. Michael gets to come in with the second verse. He too has a guitar but he seems to be just touching the strings every once in a while. And all this time I thought Casey was the poser of the group. It was just OK, better than their solo performances but pale in comparison to Duet #1. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves Casey’s guitar playing, and then throws a back handed criticism at Casey by saying that the singing was shaky until Michael started singing. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about how she once loved a woman. Kara and Simon thought the duets were good.

The producers end the show too early so Trained Seal solicits some more comments from Jamie to kill time. Jamie name drops Patti Labelle and Fantasia when he says that he was not expecting anything overpowering so he was happy with the performances. Jamie is impressed that Daughtry, Fantasia, and Bon Jovi will all be performing tomorrow night, a nice post-Mother’s Day present for my mom who still boycotts the show whenever Chris Daughtry is not on. Daughtry performed on the Top 4 results show last year too, perhaps in homage to his Top 4 elimination in Season 5.

Bye, bye, America. That’s it.

The Final Score: 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 8 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 5 shots at the audience, and 7 shots at Jamie Foxx the tormentor. There were 8 references to former Idol contestants, 7 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 1 CD plug, 4 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 18 yo’s from Big Sexy, 8 T-shirts, 5 references to last season, 3 lessons, 3 strained jokes from Chicken Little E, 1 shark attack, 1 secret tattoo, 1 Amen, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal’s was the only solo performance worth writing home about, and she earns two stars for her duet with Lee that may have saved him from elimination. The third star goes to Michael for a decent singing performance and for not being star struck by Jamie Foxx.

Idol Gives Back: Once again I underestimated the sympathy vote, but when the sympathy is coming from 12 year old girls and their mothers this perhaps should not come as a surprise. So while I am sad that Casey was not sent home I am not too disappointed since Aaron should have gone home weeks ago. At least now I do not have to worry about fulfilling my pledge to end these recaps if Aaron won the competition.

The Fearless Prediction: If the votes were determined solely by singing performances on this night alone Lee would be in serious danger of leaving. I am tempted to predict that there will be a surprise elimination and that either Lee or Crystal will be sent home but I am going to hope that the sympathy vote will keep them both on board for another week. It is possible that Michael will not meet his Top 3 goal but I am going to again predict Casey’s departure tomorrow night if for no other reason than I have been waiting patiently for the poser to leave for several weeks now.

Somethin' Stupid

I came in from a long running dinner meeting at 10 PM, so to avoid seeing Craig Ferguson again tonight and multiple cups of coffee tomorrow I’m going to try and keep this recap short and sweet. Yeah, right.

Trained Seal declares Siobhan’s departure last week a “wake-up call,” not to the other contestants, but to you for not voting enough to keep your favorite on the show. You see, just like global warming, illegal immigration, and the popularity of Miley Cyrus this is all your fault.

Tonight’s theme is the songs of Frank Sinatra, “the original American Idol” according to Trained Seal. And once again the King gets dissed, though I can see Ryan’s point this time. The Chairman’s daughters Nancy and Tina are in the house tonight and presented a monogrammed hanky to Captain Jack, who unbeknownst to me is apparently a big Sinatra fan. Anthony Hopkins and Ron Reiner are also in the house, though only Hopkins gets a shout-out from Trained Seal.

Tonight’s tormentor is Harry Connick, Jr., and finally there is a tormentor that matches the theme. Oh yeah, I forgot about Shania Twain already. After all, Harry has been imitating Sinatra his entire career, so who else would be able to tell the contestants how to give Sinatra songs the karaoke treatment? Harry gets the star treatment all night. He gets to say “this...is American Idol,” he gets to descend the stairs, and his band gets to play for the contestants instead of Ricky and the boys. Trained Seal thinks Harry is a “true renaissance man” and also dares to mention Harry’s acting career. I have to say, though, that Harry scored some points tonight for being the first tormentor to give technical advice and for taking a shot at Shania Twain for not working as hard as he has for this show. Harry also made all of the arrangements tonight so the judges cannot trash the contestants for that. We’ll see if they trash Harry instead.

Aaron Kelly, “Fly Me to the Moon”: Aaron starts the song very slowly as he tries to turns this jazzy number into another sleepy ballad from High School Musical. He only partially succeeds but he deserves props for trying. He starts wheezing like David Archuleta once did; I am not sure if it is because Aaron is trying too hard, or if he is sick again, or I only now noticed it. It was OK but kind of dull. Big Sexy utters 2 wows but no yos and thinks Aaron is in it to win it. Chicken Little E strains to make the first of three jokes about Harry’s piano playing and is happy that Aaron did not sound like country. I still cannot remember when he ever did. Horny Chick gets booed for saying that Aaron was better last week and does not have enough charisma, though she claims she is not being negative. Captain Jack says that Aaron is a mouse compared to Sinatra the lion but admires how hard he is trying to sound like an actual singer.

Casey James, “Blue Skies”: Harry admonishes Casey to not screw things up as we come out of the break. On the spot mentoring, no wonder Harry is getting special treatment. Casey reveals during his Coca-Cola treatment that he passed up a gig at the Circle M to be here tonight. Once he starts singing, Casey finally sounds at least somewhat like the blues singer he claims to be. However, his pitch is all over the place, kind of like the pitcher Charlie Sheen played in Major League. “Just a bit outside.” (Get well soon Mr. Baseball). When finally forced to actually sing instead of pretending to be a rock star poor Casey is finally exposed for the poser that he is. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and agrees with me that Casey was pitchy and sang his worse performance to date. Chicken Little E gets booed for thinking that Casey was very stiff. Not for you sweetheart. Not for Horny Chick either, especially after she points out the goat vibrato that Vote for the Worst has been making fun of since January. Captain Jack is uncomfortable and creates an uncomfortable moment by making a joke about how Casey will at least have a gig next week. Casey at least admits to Trained Seal that he felt uncomfortable the entire time.

Crystal Bowersox, “Summer Wind”: Crystal says that she chose this song for personal reasons that neither Harry nor Trained Seal were able to get out of her. Crystal is keeping it subdued this time, more Janis Ian and less Janis Joplin. Not her best but not bad either, very soft and nuanced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought it was a little sleepy. Chicken Little E is still impressed even though she thought Crystal tried to swallow every word. Horny Chick only kind of liked it, but then she is only kind of an expert on singing. Captain Jack thought it was too indulgent and expected more from Crystal. I guess now Simon thinks its OK to tee off on Crystal since her chances of getting voted off are less since she is the only chick left. Crystal takes a back handed shot at Horny Chick by stating that she does not feel like she has to sing really big notes just because she is on Idol.

Michael Lynche, “The Way You Look Tonight”: Trained Seal asks Michael during his Coca-Cola treatment whether he will be in his element tonight, and of course Big Mike is sure that he is. So does Harry. Michael is styling and profiling a Sinatra-like chapeau tonight. Big Mike may be in his element after all. His phrasing is good and he is performing it well, though the singing is just OK. Big Sexy wakes up from his nap and throws out 5 yos and the gauntlet. Chicken Little E thought he sounded the part. Horny Chick thinks Mike found the drama in the song without losing himself in it. I lost myself trying to understand that comment. Captain Jack thinks Mike is back in the groove and his performance was the best of the night so far.

Lee DeWyze, “That’s Life”: Lee is clearly Harry’s favorite as Lee reminds Harry of himself and Harry’s wife thinks Lee is cute. And all this time I thought Casey had the cougar vote locked up. Harry gives the song a gospel sound from the organ instead of the piano, and Lee is singing the song like the son of a preacher man. Speaking of which, when will Idol have a Dusty Springfield night? Lee gets a bit off pace from the band but he is finally showing some personality. The singing was his usual pretty good. Lee gets 2 yos from Big Sexy and 1 from Harry. Chicken Little E takes 1 final shot at Harry and Harry shoots back by telling her to stop it right now. Ellen also thinks that if tonight were the finale Lee would win it. Sadly for both Ellen and Lee, hell all of us really, the finale is not for another month and the tweeners have yet to decide which dude they are going to back. Horny Chick asks Lee if he really thinks he can win this competition, and after Lee gives only a half-hearted “yes” in reply Kara gives him a homework assignment to write down “I think I can win this thing” 100 times. Captain Jack credits Harry for bringing out Lee’s personality and thought Lee’s performance was the best of the night “so far.” I got news for you Simon, this season may not be over but this show is and it’s time for Glee.

Craig’s on my TV screen so it will be a venti latte tomorrow for me. Maybe two.

The Final Score: 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 6 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 5 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (because they had the night off), 2 shots at the audience, and 9 shots at Harry Connick, Jr. the tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 14 references to other non-Idol performers, and no references to Drunk Chick Paula; though I’m sure I’ll have a comment about her being the Angel of Death again when we get to the Final 3. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 10 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 shots at the tormentor by Chicken Little E, Sharks 4, Red Wings 3 (in OT), Lakers 111, Jazz 103, 2 props for the Circle M, 2 uncomfortable moments, 2 movie references, 1 gift, 1 Sinatra chapeau, 1 homework assignment, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee and Michael were both in the zone tonight and pretty much in their element. Lee is reminding me of Elliott Yamin more and more each week. Crystal was better than the judges thought she was, so she gets the third star ahead of Aaron, who was not as good as the judges thought he was.

Idol Gives Back: I do not know if I am surprised as much as I am disappointed that Siobhan was sent packing last week. She had such an interesting personality and was the best singer. Too bad she listened to Horny Chick and went back to screaming last week. But will Kara admit that she screwed Siobhan up by pushing her to scream like she was giving birth on stage? Of course not, because Horny Chick is a trained professional and trained professionals cannot be wrong.

The Fearless Prediction: There were two strong performances, two OK performances, and then there was Casey. Even if Crystal and Aaron were only marginally better Crystal is the only chick left and Aaron is the only teenager left. There are also too many dudes left to stop the tweener chick vote from being split up, so I gladly predict that Casey will be playing at the Circle M next Tuesday night. And we will never know what was in his box.