The Grand Finale

I guess this will be my last post on this blog, unless Idol follows through on Ryan Seacrest's threat last night and return. However, before I retire to wherever it is that former show recappers go, I do have a closing statement.

I actually did seriously consider recapping this season since it was the last one. I was watching the audition shows but then got distracted with other things (a.k.a. life) and the next thing I know Idol was doing the Top 3 show, about a month and a half earlier than they usually did. I'm not sure why Fox was in a hurry to get the show off the air before the May sweeps. That can't be that excited about the new John Cena show...

After enduring bloated finales featuring artists with no connection to Idol but were on only to promote themselves, it was refreshing to see that everyone who appeared at this finale was either a former contestant, judge, a former co-host, or was a kid from one of Harry's charities. It actually made the group numbers more enjoyable than usual as I was trying to guess who would appear next.

I would like to thank Idol for giving me an avenue to publish my sarcasm and wit and for introducing me to Cheyennis Doom. I wonder if she still owns and loves that Ford Focus or even remembers this blog. This blog also gave my mom a reason to still pay attention to the show even though she is still upset that Chris Daughtry got voted off in 4th Place back in Season 5. Yes, 10 years ago.

One last feature before I leave, a special edition of Idol Gives Back: The Fearless Predictions. Thanks to Wikipedia and a few other websites, let's see how I did predicting the futures of the Idol contestants in Seasons 7, 8, 9 and 12.

Season 7:

David Cook will have a mildly successful first album, an awful second album that will cause Clive Davis to dump him from the label, and then will end up doing musical theater and singing the Idol going home song 5 years from now, if the show lasts that long. Basically an emo version of Ruben Stoddard.

What happened? His first album went platinum, but his 2nd album sold only 133,000 copies and he was subsequently dumped by Clive Davis’ label. He has occasionally performed on Idol but has never done the going home song even though the show lasted 7 more years instead of 5.

David Archuleta will make a ton of commercials, will be alienated from everyone else on the summer tour, will have a first album that will bomb, then achieve success doing Disney musicals with Miley Cyrus who he will be linked to romantically by TMZ and People magazine. By age 23 David will rebel from his Stage Dad, put out a rock album that will be poorly received but draw the attention of car crash enthusiasts, then finally go through drug rehab and emerge with a decent career on the nostalgia circuit just like George Michael, or maybe Britney Spears.

What happened? David has released 6 albums; one was released exclusively in the Philippines where he apparently is very popular, including acting in a TV mini-series there. He didn’t go on a drug binge but instead did a Mormon mission in Chile at age 21, returning at age 23. However, he did appear on Season 3 of Hannah Montana in 2009 and sang a duet with Miley Cyrus.

Syesha Mercado is destined for a touring company of Rent, and may get lucky and have Andrew Lloyd Weber write a part for her in his next musical, and of course your local Ford dealers will want her back to do some more spots for them.

What happened? Syesha I am proud to say has a career in musical theater just like I had predicted. She was on the national tour of Dreamgirls in 2009 and debuted on Broadway in Book of Mormon in 2014.

Jason Castro will either be coming to a coffee house near you or will fade into obscurity and probably won’t care either way.  

What happened? Jason acted in 2 episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful in 2010, and now is in the band Castro with his 2 younger siblings, one of whom auditioned for Idol in a later season. He married in 2010 and has 2 kids.

Brooke White will be very successful making albums for children, then after seeing her first R-rated movie will go into a sex and drug binge that will put her in the same rehab clinic as David Archuleta.

What happened? Brooke released a Christmas album in 2009 (there is a pattern here as you will see) and partnered with singer-songwriter Jack Matranga to be Jack and White from 2011-2012. She also released an album of lullabies (see, an album for children) for a charity that rescues kids from sex slavery in 2014. She has acted in 2 TV movies but apparently never was tempted to go on that binge.

Carly Smithson will never get another record deal but will parlay her fame on the show to increased business at her San Diego Irish bar and tattoo parlor by offering 2 for 1 deals on either Guinness or tattoos on nights that she sings.

What happened? Carly became the lead singer of a Goth metal band and performed with Cirque du Soleil in "Viva Elvis" from 2010-2012. She also was a table judge for Idol at their 2014 auditions, hosted an Idol boot camp in 2013, and recapped Idol for a Fox San Diego station in 2015. She still lives in San Diego and now has a daughter. I don’t know if she still has the bar.

Kristy Lee Cook will enjoy the most successful music career of all of the Top 12 contestants making country music records because country music fans love their Idols. If Bucky Covington and Kellie Pickler can make a career out of country music then there’s no stopping Kristy Lee.

What happened? Kristy re-signed with Arista Nashville and charted a country album in 2008. She still has a record deal (but with a different label) and hosted a TV show on hunting on Versus in 2011. So yes, she did have one of the most successful careers among the Top 12.

Michael Johns will make an album that will bomb so bad that his label will dump him, then after sitting at home for 2 or 3 years claiming that the label didn’t promote him well enough he will finally come to his senses, hook up with a decent rock band, and end up with an average career.

What happened? Michael’s first album did indeed bomb, but he never got the chance to develop a decent career. He passed away in 2014 from an enlarged heart condition at age 35. May he rest in peace.

Ramiele Malubay will play before packed houses in Manila and will appear in numerous Tagalog movies and soap operas but will never be seen in the United States again except for the sex tapes that will appear on You Tube.

What happened? Ramiele indeed performed in the Philippines, but instead of Manila she now lives and performs in Miami and went back to school and got her nursing degree. She also released a Christmas album.

Chikezie Eeze has already gone back to working security at LAX and looks forward to the day he gets to go through Paula Abdul’s bags again.

What happened? Chikezie went vegan, played a singer on General Hospital in 2009, and was arrested for felony identify theft in the Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills in 2010.

Amanda Overmyer will sing and run up the tab in bars all over the Midwest as well as Carly’s bar in San Diego, then semi-sober up and have 6 kids and a home in the suburbs.

What happened? Amanda released an album and performed at Whisky A Go Go and the Harley Davidson Summerfest in 2008, has toured extensively in the Midwest since then (see, I told you so), and has her own record label Chile Records.

David Hernandez will set up a one-stop shop for all of your wedding entertainment needs. He’ll sing at your wedding and at your reception, and for only $50 more he’ll perform at your bachelorette party too.

What happened? David performs at casinos with other former Idol contestants, came out as gay, and collaborates with a sideman for private performances around the Western US and Canada. Wikipedia didn’t elaborate on what type of private performances David is doing.

Season 8:

Kris Allen's teen heartthrob status will last until his second album that will bomb, forcing him to go back to college to study whatever it was he was studying. It must be something boring like science or engineering since the producers never bothered to mentioned it. 

What happened? Kris’ second album bombed and he left RCA. Rather than return to college he auditioned for the lead in the Rock of Ages movie but didn’t get the part. He too released a Christmas album in 2012. Kris is still married to same woman he was married to when he was on the show and now has a son with another on the way.

Adam Lambert will star in the next Broadway revivals of Tommy, Hair, and every other rock opera produced over the last 30 years plus of course the new musical version of Saturday Night Fever. And then publicly reveal that he is gay. 

What happened? Adam came out as gay and got ABC-TV in trouble with the FCC after kissing a male bassist and grabbing the crouch of another musician at the 2009 American Music Awards. He was the first former contestant to return to Idol as a mentor and has also been a guest judge. Adam tours with Queen as their new lead singer and was the #1 earner among former Idol contestants in 2015. He hasn’t appeared on Broadway but he will co-star in Fox’s remake of Rocky Horror that will air this Fall. He did not appear at the Idol finale because he was filming Rocky Horror in Toronto.

Danny Gokey will take Taylor Hicks’ place as “Teen Angel” in the traveling company of Grease and will remarry, perhaps to his BFF Jamal Rodgers.

What happened? Danny began a career in country music but that bombed and he was dropped by RCA in 2011. He is now recording Christian music and did a Christmas album in 2015 (see the pattern?). Danny remarried in 2012 (not to Jamal Rodgers) and has two kids.

Allison Iraheta will put out an album that no one but me will buy, go on to college and discover an art class, and tour small houses in New York and L.A. as a bohemian artist and singer.  

What happened? Allison released an album with Jive in 2009 but got dropped from the label in 2011. She is currently the lead singer for Halo Circus, who will be releasing their first album in May, and has been an Idol backup singer since Season 13 (Rickey Minor got her the gig). Her hair is now pink instead of red.

Matt Giraud will have his forehead mole removed and go back to playing in bars, albeit nicer ones than before. Perhaps he may stop by Carly Smithson’s bar in San Diego.  

What happened? Matt performed at the Grand Ole Opry and lived in Nashville for a while, then returned to Michigan and graduated from Western Michigan University. He now plays in clubs around Kalamazoo and Battle Creek (including a dueling piano show at FireKeeper’s Casino) and it looks like he finally got the mole removed.

Lil Rounds will record a Mary J. Blige song that will win her a Grammy, where she will dis Simon Cowell in her acceptance speech.

What happened? Lil began working on an album in 2010 but never got it released. She sporadically performs around Memphis as Lil Coburn.

Anoop Desai will put out an album full of attitude that will bomb, but then he’ll make millions by putting out a brand of spicy southern barbeque sauce full of attitude.

What happened? Anoop released 2 singles and an album in 2010 that sold only 900 copies. He now lives in Atlanta and is working a musical project called “Zero: The Mixtape”. He has apparently abandoned the BBQ sauce idea.

Scott McIntyre will appear in charity events around the country talking about how blind people can do normal things like sing and play instruments, and while on tour will use his special powers to make a blind child see.

What happened? Scott released an album in 2010 that sold 1000 copies (after performing a song from it on Idol), then got married in 2011 and published a memoir in 2012. Scott also released a Christmas album in 2013 and still occasionally performs. He received a 2nd kidney transplant in 2015.

Megan Joy Corkrey will go back into drug rehab. There, I said it. It is my last post of the season so damn the political correctness.

What happened? Megan revealed that she was addicted to alcohol while on the show. Yeah, I had a feeling that something like that was going on. Megan also revealed that she dropped Corkrey during Idol because she was in a child custody fight with her ex-husband at the time. Megan got remarried and made a movie with her new husband in 2012 and also released a Kickstarter funded album that year.

Michael Sarver will have to go back to school and study for a new career since his buddies on the oil rig won’t be able to stop laughing at him.

What happened? Michael signed a record deal and toured with Gina Glocksen, David Hernandez, and Alexis Grace in 2009-2010. He signed another deal in 2010 then left it in 2012, and now bills himself as a country recording artist and released a self-published album in 2015. He never went back to that rig.

Alexis Grace will finally marry the fiancée that she talked about at her audition and led a relatively normal life, provided that she stops listening to Horny Chick’s advice.

What happened? Alexis tried an array of showbiz paths, including musical theater, shows in Branson, writing country music in Nashville, appearing in commercials, and a regular gig as a deejay on a radio station in Memphis. She did get married, but to a Swedish guy and not the fiancée she was engaged to while on the show.

Jasmine Murray will make a cameo appearance on 90210, ride on a float in the Rose Parade, and then will fade back into obscurity, kind of like that teenage girl from Season 5 whose name I cannot remember.

What happened? Jasmine has managed to remain in the spotlight by entering and winning beauty pageants. She was crowned Miss Spirit of the South and Miss Mississippi State University in 2012, Miss Mississippi in 2014, and competed in Miss America and placed in the Top 10. I believe she is the only former Idol contestant who also competed in America’s first reality show competition.

Jorge Nunez is already back in San Juan using his brief time on Idol to impress the chicas.

What happened? Jorge returned to Puerto Rico and fell off the radar.

Season 9:

Lee Dewyze will release an album that will tank and then enjoy a modest career on the county fair circuit as the new lead singer of Chicago.

What happened? Lee released an album in 2010 that sold only 153,000 copies and was dumped by RCA a year later. He started an acoustic tour of small clubs in 2012 and released albums on indie labels in 2012, 2013 (which charted at #116) and 2016.

Crystal Bowersox will be part of Lilith Fair 2011 and then make a Jason Castro baby with her goofy boyfriend, or perhaps with Lee.

What happened? Crystal is still touring clubs around the country, and released albums in 2010 and 2012. She was scheduled to play Patsy Cline on Broadway in 2014 before the show got cancelled. Crystal married the boyfriend in 2010 but divorced him and came out as bisexual in 2013.

Casey James will bring his special form of blues to the Circle M every Saturday night. Girls who bring panties will get in for half price.

What happened? Casey went country instead of blues, releasing a country album in 2012 and a single in 2015. He got married in 2014 (not to Kara DioGuardi) and had a daughter in 2016.

Michael Lynche will become the new spokesperson for GNC and sing the Season 11 (and final) Idol going home song.

What happened? Michael went on a diet and lost 90 pounds, and tours small clubs with his backup band The Black Saints. He too didn’t do a go home song.

Aaron Kelly will land a recurring role in Glee.

What happened? Aaron released a country single in 2012 and formed a country group called Upscale. Glee did not come calling.

Siobhan Magnus will record a duet with Adam Lambert, marry into a rich Cape Cod family, and become the rich but eccentric aunt that we all wish that we had.

What happened? The week after Siobhan’s dismissal, American Idol had its lowest ratings since 2002. She has not recorded a duet with Adam Lambert but performed with Hanson in 2010 and with the band Boston in 2014. Siobhan created an Ella and Frank tribute show in 2015, plays small clubs with her new local rock band, and plans to release a Dusty Springfield tribute album in 2016. She may not be rich but she is still eccentric.

Tim Urban is already in Las Vegas gambling that his run of luck will transfer to the craps table.

What happened? Tim released an EP in 2010, got married and performed at regional Miss USA pageants in 2013. He is not the same Tim Urban who edits a blog and did a TED talk in 2016. He may be lucky but he is not that lucky.

Andrew Garcia will fulfill his father’s dream and become the lead janitor for the Los Angeles Unified School District. The kids will love his appearances as the singing custodian during their holiday pageants.

What happened? Andrew performed in a musical and comedy performing group in 2011 and has been acting in You Tube videos since 2012. It beats cleaning school toilets for a living.

Katie Stevens will have a moment of inspiration and realize that Simon was right and that she can make millions as a country singer.

What happened? Katie is making millions as a TV star instead of a country singer. Since 2014 she has starred in the MTV sitcom Faking It, playing a high school student pretending to be a lesbian to be more popular. Katie also had a guest starring role in the series finale of CSI.

Didi Benami will return to Tennessee and find steady work at Dollywood, which she will use as a platform to tell the world what a terrible judge of talent the Idol judges are.

What happened? Didi moved to LA instead of Dollywood and sang the National Anthem at various sporting events in 2011. She finally released an album in 2014 that was financed out-of-pocket and by crowdsourcing.

Paige Miles will discover the singing voice that the judges kept claiming was there and use it to join the cast of the revival of Dreamgirls.

What happened? Paige moved to LA and recorded songs for an EP that never got released. She starred in a musical called Beehive in 2011 but never got the Dreamgirls gig. Paige however did escape from a burning car in 2011, according to Wikipedia.

Lacey Brown will call Megan Joy Corkrey and tell her that the judges were right to pick Megan over her last season.

What happened? Lacey moved to Nashville and released an EP in 2011, and tours small theaters as a country artist.

Season 12:

Candice Glover might actually have a decent career, unless she follows Nicki’s advice and records a dance music album in Gee Chee.

What happened? Candice released an album in 2014 that peaked at #14 and sold 65,000 copies. She is recording a second album to be released in 2016, but left Jimmy Iovine’s label in January. One web site estimated her net worth at $1M. Candice has also dabbled in gospel musicals in LA.

Kree Harrison will sincerely thank Jimmy Iovine for everything he did for her after he dumps Kree from his label.

What happened? Jimmy never signed Kree to his label. She instead released a country single on an indie label in early 2016.

Angie Miller will team up with her twin sisters Angela Miller and Miley Cyrus to star in a remake of Disney’s The Parent Trap.

What happened? Angie released a Christmas single in 2013 (there is that Christmas thing again), then toured Southeast Asia and released an EP in 2014. In February Angie announced that she would now go by the new stage name “Zealyn” (that’s now three names for her in 3 years) and plans to release an alt rock / electropop album this summer.

Amber Holcomb will be the understudy for Season 7 contestant Syesha Mercado in her role in the travelling cast of Book of Mormon (and not Rent, which I had predicted for Syesha 6 years ago).

What happened? Amber put her music career on hold and gave birth to a baby girl in 2014. She later dumped her manager and is now pursuing a comeback. She performed at the series finale and on a Houston morning news show the day before the finale.

Janelle Arthur will be the lead singer for a Goth rock group after she discovers she’ll make more money in that genre than in the country genre that is too saturated with blonde former Idol contestants.

What happened? Janelle went against my advice (again) and released a country EP in 2015. She has appeared at the Grand Ole Opry 13 times in the last 2 years.

Lazaro Argos will be part of a goodwill mission to Cuba and won’t be allowed to return by the Cuban government that is desperate for role models with special powers.

What happened? Lazaro has built a career performing in parades, including the Magnificent Mile parade in Chicago last November and the Cherry Blossom Parade in DC this April. He is also claiming to be working on an EP.

Burnell Taylor will honeymoon in France with his new bride Candice and show off his French speaking skills to the locals.

What happened? Burnell ditched Candice and Amber and instead performed with Nicki Minaj at the BET Awards in 2014 and at the New Orleans Jazz Fest in 2014.

Devin Valez will first kiss and make up with Nicki, then will come out of the closet by kissing and making up with Lazaro, literally.

What happened? Rather than kiss and make up with Nicki Minaj, Devin engaged in a Twitter war with her when he left the show. He still lives in Chicago and performs at benefits in the Upper Midwest, and yes, he came out as gay.

Paul Jolley will be cast by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber in his next Broadway musical, "He’s a Little Bit Country".

What happened? Paul released a Christmas single in 2013 and a country single in 2014. He is still a little bit country. Paul moved to Nashville and occasionally performing in Nashville clubs with the band The Pauls. His Twitter account has lots of photos of him working out.

Curtis Finch, Jr. will return the computer that he got arrested for stealing in order to cleanse himself of his sins.

What happened? After Curtis claimed to a radio station that Idol was fixed that season, he mysteriously disappeared…

Oh, and I never did resume the Tuesday nights at the gym or lose those pounds. Perhaps it wasn't Idol's fault after all...

So that's it. We are dismissed...for now

Temptation Island

I am soooo tempted to do recaps again since it is the last season. I'm not sure about staying up until 1 in the morning again. I'm not as young as I used to be and Craig Ferguson is no longer on the air to keep me awake so I can finish the recaps. But if I'm not going to do any more recaps then why keep this blog active? And it is the last season and I've always been a sucker for nostalgia. And I would feel bad if Drunk Chick or Captain Jack made an appearance on the show and I wasn't there to make fun of it and entertain the bots that continue to ping my site.

I'm not recapping the audition shows. That was too much even when I had the stamina of youth to recap those shows. But when it gets to the live shows, maybe...

One Night Stand

I’ve thought about shutting down this blog and allowing someone else to assume the armchair idol URL. I just don’t watch the show anymore. My life is busier than it used to be and the show is, quite frankly, a lot more dull and saccharin than it used to be. Idol used to be exciting, fun, and interesting. Listening to Simon trash the contestants, Paula rambling incoherently, and Randy throwing out his YOs was fun. Now it’s just dull. I know I’m not alone. Last week’s show got a 1.7 rating. To put that in perspective, at its height in Seasons 5 and 6 Idol was pulling in ratings 10 times higher than that. Today Idol draws about 1.8 million viewers, which sounds pretty impressive until you see that Idol 10 years ago drew 18 million viewers. It’s like going from Los Angeles to Austin. Not even Detroit is losing people that fast.

Tonight, however, I was browsing through the channels, sipping my glass of Pinot Noir, and I saw that Idol was on, so I figured, alright, I’ll watch, for old time’s sake. I started yelling at the TV again on what I saw (Pinot Noir will do that to you sometimes), and then I remembered that I had an Idol blog and I could post this stuff, just like I used to. So I pulled out my laptop and starting typing, and away we go. I ain’t keeping score though. The days of me staying up until 1:30 AM typing Idol recaps are over…

So it looks like things have changed a bit since the last time I saw this show. For one, there is this new Blade Runner meets La Scala set and a new minimalist theme song that I can’t sing along with like I could the old one. And then there’s Trained Seal with facial hair and his own clothing line. Kids really do grow up so fast, don’t they?

The theme tonight is 80’s Night, which is good for me since I’ll be able to recognize the songs and won’t have to look them up on the Internet. Of course the down side is that I won’t get educated on what the kids are listening to today. Half the reason why I watched Idol was to learn about that. Another down side is that there will be lots of jokes about an era that I grew up in and actually remember most of. For example, David Hasselhoff, who showed up and sang a medley of 80’s songs the only way he knows how, very badly and with chest hair showing. This wouldn’t have been so bad if it meant that there would not have been a medley sung by the contestants, but alas there was one of those too. I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

Tonight’s tormentor was Boy George, who I didn’t think was still alive let alone functional. Bully for him! In his intro BG raved about how it was anything goes in the 80's, and I’m wondering if I missed something. I was in high school and college in the 80’s so if it really was anything goes back then shouldn’t I have done that? I must have missed that class or something. I didn’t do any drugs back then (or now) so I should have remembered it. Maybe that is the problem…

In the death spot tonight (assuming the first position still is the death spot) is Daniel Seavey, a 15 year old kid from Vancouver, WA who sang the Hall and Oates song “You Make my Dreams”. The judges and the tormentors kept talking about how this kid has a weak voice, and after about 10 seconds of listening to him I have to agree. The girls seem to like him though, which may explain why he’s still on the show. He’s light on his feet too; maybe Nigel could use him on that goofy dance show down the hall. Keith liked his camera presence but thought he lacked confidence, JLo thought he "sat in the right place for your voice", whatever that means. Harry wanted him to throw out the choreography and just have fun. Apparently this kid likes to make people happy, since he gave that as a reason for people to keep voting for him.

Trained Seal kept making a bunch of pseudo 80’s references throughout the night, like referring to TGIF as being an 80’s thing. It’s a 70’s thing Ryan, I know, I was there. It wasn’t invented for Urkel.

OK, enough ranking, next up is Quentin Alexander, a 21year old fashionista from Parts Unknown. He sang “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins. He claimed to be mostly laid back and chill but also one that liked to take risks. I would have thought that the two would be in conflict with each other but apparently it’s not for him. The air was set to freezing during his performance. The fog machine was on overdrive and the backdrop looked like it was stolen from Into the Woods.  Quentin was very dramatic and expressive and his vocals were decent. JLo wanted him to smile more and told him that "you are Quentin, you are who you are.” Somewhere Drunk Chick had to have been thinking the same thing. Harry wanted him to sing faster songs. I guess the contestants still like to sing nothing but ballads. Keith showed off his Aussie accent when he said that it was a "killa" song

One reason why I don’t watch Idol any more is because the judges are giving advice rather than critiquing performances. Captain Jack would have just ripped into Quentin’s performance as being too self-indulgent, but instead we get lots of happy talk and words of wisdom such as “you are who you are.”

One change from years past is that the contestants are sitting in electric chairs that light up whenever Trained Seal calls on them. The old cold stools the Bottom 3 used to have to sit on to await their fate have disappeared, perhaps to the Smithsonian or something.

And now, here comes Joey Cook, a 23 year old busker from Woodbridge, VA. She’s the chick with the blue hair that I remember seeing at the NASCAR race on Sunday. She’s got this "Madonna in Space" outfit on (her description, not mine) including what looks like an aluminum foil skirt and some other weird stuff. She was the most excited contestant to meet Boy George and it was easy to see why. She sang the Cyndi Lauper song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, and it was easy to see why she did that to. Joey had a really odd voice, like she has a jawbreaker in her mouth. There’s any 80’s reference for you. Joey was clearly having fun, and I was too watching her perform. So this is what Idol has come too, contestants with blue hair bouncing around the stage while wearing an aluminum foil skirt and signing like they have a candy in their mouth. Harry thought she was distracted and didn’t know what was going on in her head and no one booed him. I’m wondering if I’m actually watching Idol or some other show. Keith thought there were "moments of inconsistency" but he was sure that Nicole and his girls were at home dancing to her song. Even though there was no booing or even harsh criticism Boy George still came gave her a hug and offered her some British tea.

The next performer was Tyanna Jones, a 16 year old from an unspecified location who thinks 80's toys are weird. She took on Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.” I was wondering if anyone still sang Whitney songs on this show now that Randy is no longer around to trash the contestants for doing that. If you’re gonna do a Whitney song on Idol you might as well do one that is not a vocal challenge. Apparently the judges criticized Tyanna for the first time last week, though I have to wonder just how critical it really was compared to what the judges used to say. This was an Idol version of the song, decent, solid, but bland. Harry pointed out Keith’s cool shoulder roll again and how JLo is perfect before finally getting around to saying something about Tyanna’s performance, which he felt was “secure.”

Even though Trained Seal isn’t pimping iTunes any more Apple still thought it was worth advertising the iWatch on this show.

And now, here is Jax, an 18 year old bottle blond from East Brunswick, NJ who doesn’t have a last name even though one would think she has one since her parents were in the audience. They did look really proud though. Jax was the best looking chick contestant in my opinion, even though she kind of looks like a woman I used to date and had a lot of make-up on her face, 80’s style. She performed (not sang, performed) a dramatic version of Bonjovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Wasn’t that the song the beat box guy did in Season 6 when Jon Bonjovi was the tormentor? Yes, I believe it was. My how time flies. Boy George thought that Jax had “the bones of a greater performer.” Jax sang the song like the title track from a James Bond movie, very broad and dramatic. I see Broadway in her future. JLo liked the 80s punk attitude. Harry thought Jax was intriguing but was swimming in a lot of sound. Keith didn’t think it was put together right. Again, no one was booing.

Next week they'll be singing Kelly Clarkson songs and the Original Idol will be the tormentor. I’d be curious to see if anyone will dare take on “Since You’ve Been Gone”. Well, maybe not that curious.

Another new element of the show is the judges giving counseling via video before each performance. I just cannot imagine Captain Jack doing that.

Nick Fradiani, 29, from Guilford, CT sang Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”. They used to have MJ theme nights on this show. I wonder if they still do. Reminiscent of when Horny Chick Kara used to flirt with the male contestants JLo wanted Nick to "own his hotness", but he didn’t think he had to confidence to do that. To be honest, I’m kind of glad that he didn’t because he was the first performer of the night who actually sang rather than performed and he was pretty decent to. Finally there was someone who actually resembled an Idol contestant that I remember, back when it was a singing competition. Harry loved his humility and thought he was a sweet kind soul. Ryan wanted to know if Nick sung the song to someone special. Yes, Trained Seal is still pestering the contestants about their love lives.

Salt-N-Pepa sang “Push It” and I couldn’t help but think of their Geico ad. “I’m pushin’, I’m pushin’.”

After the SnP interlude there was 22 year old Clark Beckham, a sandy haired blue eyed boy from White House, TN who had never seen a Lite-Brite before. All of contestants were filmed playing with 80’s toys even though some of them like the Lite-Brite were actually 70’s toys. He sang The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” in its original key of G rather than the key of F that the tormentors wanted him to sing it in. He took the song really slow with the piano, turning it into a torch song. It was actually really good, by far the best performance of the night and better than the original. I think the kid made the right choice with the chord. Keith admired that he took a stalker song and turned it into a melancholy song. JLo got goose bumps. Harry liked that he sang his song rather than performed it like everyone else did theirs. 

Qaasim Middleton, a 19 year old kid from Brooklyn, was saved by the judges last week but was safe this week. I was surprised that the producers didn’t keep him waiting in suspense until the very end like they used to do. Trained Seal asked him about his mic dropping after last week’s performance and Qaasim claimed that he "caught the Holy Ghost." I should remember that phrase; it could come in handy someday. Qaasim sang Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love”, which I remember mostly for the robotic dancing girls and how some DJ used the chorus to tell callers that they were a dick. Everyone kept raving about how Qaasim was a great story teller, but I didn’t see that here. It was a decent but uninspiring vocal, pretty paint by numbers for a guy who is supposed to be a great storyteller. Harry thought he was sexy like Robert Palmer. Keith sensed that he had a fragile heart.

The bottom 3 were invited up as a group so Trained Seal could do his one dramatic line, "Kieran, dim the lights." I did like that the closer was one of the Bottom 3 from last week rather than one of the producer’s favorites like they used to do. I didn’t like that the 2 chicks that got sent off didn’t get a goodbye video or a chance to say anything. No hugs, no tears, no Chris Daughtry song, just a quick goodbye from Trained Seal and that was that.

The closer was Rayvon Owen, 23, from Richmond, VA who sang Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”. The tormentors thought that he sung too pretty and was hiding in a shell. In years past contestants like this were usually sent off by now, but this is not my mother’s American Idol. The first half of the song was mostly slurred. The bridge was more enunciated, but then Rayvon went back to the slurring to end the song. The singing wasn’t great and neither was the performing, which explains why he was in the bottom 3.

Trained Seal ended the show but showing some love to Ricky Minor and the judges, and then sent us off to our late local news.

It occurred to me afterwards that there were no big notes. I kind of miss the big notes. There were no audience boos either. I don’t really miss that.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Clark Beckham was the best of the night for me. I really liked his interpretation of “Every Breath You Take”. Nick Fradiani reminded me of Idol contestants of years past so he gets a star for nostalgia sake. The third star goes to Joey Cook because she made me laugh.

The Fearless Prediction: I predict that I probably won’t watch another full show again this season. If it takes an entire bottle of wine to watch this show then I probably should be doing something else.

Happy New Year!

I haven't decided yet if I'll be recapping this season, but just in case I have updated the layout. This should also keep the bots entertained for a few more weeks.

If I can think of a cool nickname for Jennifer Lopez between now and the season premiere then for sure it'll be a go. ;-)

Case Summary S12-2013 Part 5: The Fearless Predictions

To close out my Season 12 recap here are my fearless predictions for the Top 10 contestants and the departing, perhaps departing, and perhaps not departing members of the American Idol cast and crew.

Curtis Finch, Jr. will return the computer that he got arrested for stealing in order to cleanse himself of his sins.

Paul Jolley will be cast by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber in his next Broadway musical, "He’s a Little Bit Country".

Devin Valez will first kiss and make up with Nicki, then will come out of the closet by kissing and making up with Lazaro, literally.

Burnell Taylor will honeymoon in France with his new bride Candice and show off his French speaking skills to the locals.

Lazaro Argos will be part of a goodwill mission to Cuba and won’t be allowed to return by the Cuban government that is desperate for role models with special powers.

Janelle Arthur will be the lead singer for a Goth rock group after she discovers she’ll make more money in that genre than in the country genre that is too saturated with blonde former Idol contestants.

Amber Holcomb will be the understudy for Season 7 contestant Syesha Mercado in her role in the travelling cast of Book of Mormon (and not Rent, which I had predicted for Syesha 6 years ago).

Angie Miller will team up with her twin sisters Angela Miller and Miley Cyrus to star in a remake of Disney’s The Parent Trap.

Kree Harrison will sincerely thank Jimmy Iovine for everything he did for her after he dumps Kree from his label.

Candice Glover might actually have a decent career, unless she follows Nicki’s advice and records a dance music album in Geechee.

Randy Jackson will call Simon Fuller next year and beg for his job back, only to be told that the show is being cancelled and that he should beg Simon Cowell for a job instead.

Mariah Carey will order her bodyguards to track down and beat up Jennifer Lopez, then enjoy a strong drink with fellow reality show judge reject Britney Spears.

Nicki Minaj will join the cast of Survivor and eat one of the other contestants, thereby bringing down yet another former #1 reality TV show. Dancing With The Stars will refuse her phone calls.

Keith Urban will be waiting by the phone.

Jimmy Iovine will contact Clive Davis and beg him to buy out Jimmy's contract.

Nigel Lythgoe will take Madonna’s advice and hit the dance floor to try and escape the pain of life that he knows.

Ken Warwick will deny any knowledge of his actions over the last 12 years.

Ryan Seacrest will be named the new executive producer of American Idol, completing his decade-plus long quest to become absolute ruler and master of his domain.

The Armchair Idol Judge will return to the gym, work on that 2-person thing that Mariah hates, recycle my 50 pages of notes that I took while watching Idol this season, attempt to find the life I lost in 2006 when I started watching American Idol, watch my blog stats for the false hits from spam sites, and will wait and see who the judges and producers will be next season before deciding if I want to update the photos and do another year of this.

Have a great Summer and Fall everybody! We are adjourned.

Case Summary S12-2013 Part 4: Things We Learned From Idol This Year

We learned so much from American Idol this year that I felt this deserved its own post.

Things we learned about Mariah Carey, aka Glitter Girl: Mariah had a singing camp in the woods, knows how to say hello in Hebrew, starting writing songs at Age 6, was a beauty school dropout, could identify with shy kids who use music as "escapism", knows the words to the National Anthem, knows that Elvis had a guitar, had nerve damage in her arm, has a little bit of soul in her, digs Arkansas accents, can recognize an Aretha song, knows what Randy will say before he says it even though she can’t interpret it, talks to angels, doesn't care if contestants have fits on pianos, thinks songwriters are the most successful people in the music business and songwriting is the key to a long career, hates doing the 2-person thing, doesn't know what it means when a song is too big for someone, thinks Randy is holding back emotionally, can see auras, wears skirts that are so tight that she can't stand up, can relate to overcoming obstacles even though she may never have faced any, is afraid of doing cover songs because people will complain, knows what "tour de force" means, wants Garth Brooks' forgiveness for not knowing all of his songs, is an American, isn't afraid to steal arrangements from Idol contestants, doesn't sing "Without You" in the USA, prefers sorrow to anger, couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Candice was a travel agent, is proud of America because of how they voted, and was Idol's best rambler since Paula Abdul.

Things we learned about Nicki Minaj, aka Jaws: Nicki wanted to be a bus driver, doesn’t dig Justin Bieber, eats turkey bacon every day, sometimes thinks her hair is edible like cotton candy, has special powers whenever she has a towel over her head, likes Oklahoma accents, is a closet romantic, can see greatness in dudes who forget their lyrics, likes to jack around with guys who are tired, is turned off by dudes that are nervous, is no fan of pity parties, likes to eat contestants, hates it when the contestants sing what the judges want to hear, thinks Cortez is a sexy name, is not interested in eating crab legs, knows about 4 words in Spanish including “nervous”, thinks "Iris" is one of the greatest songs of all time, would buy blankets with Elijah Liu's face on it, loves to eat buttermilk waffles, forgot that the shows are broadcast live and thus cannot be fashionably late to the show, was at war with Fox's censor, wants Smokey Robinson to be her sugar daddy, has a clothing line, wears a size 5 shoe, does her own makeup, has everything she ever wanted in life thanks to Amber, cried when she first heard the Whitney/Mariah duet, is made happy by "Straight Up", thinks we're all part of this diva game, secretly married Jimmy after Kree broke off their engagement, and rumor has it might worship the devil.

Things we learned about Randy Jackson, aka Sole Survivor: Randy wanted to be a NASCAR driver, thinks chicken gets a bad rap, thinks "you're allowed to feel on Idol," was born in Baton Rouge, is the captain of his ship, can get indigestion from hearing people sing, thinks "Coca-Colas are good," has a Twitter handle with YO in the title, finally realized that Idol is not a singing competition, thinks that prayer works and that last season was a different time in our lives, is searching for the big moments, is annoyed by ballads, has ears that are shaped slightly different, thought that he never mentioned tone on this show, thinks Nicki is funny, would wear a vest with fringes, thinks the secret to singing rock songs is having the right attitude, wanted to see more cookies from Janelle, loves Vince Gill, thinks Idol inspires people, felt free to criticize "the boss" since he was leaving, and still gets no respect.

Things we learned about Keith Urban, aka Mr. Kidman: Keith once sang on a train, wants an alter ego, never heard Billie Holliday while growing up in Australia but still managed to hear the Jackson 5’s “I’ll Be There”, has an astrological sign of Confused, likes the nickname "Urban", is in favor of "more mass slaughtering," thinks "wrongest" is a word, can bring a man to tears with just a comment, can read Nicki’s mind, needs more time for adjectives, figured out how to keep the audience from booing him by mixing in praises with his criticisms, felt honored when contestants butchered his songs, thought Idol was a “connection competition” rather than a singing competition, once had a girlfriend that could have busted out his car windows, thinks real artists ignore critiques that don't pertain to them, has a lot of favorite Beatles songs, can't critique a chick who irons other people's shirts, thinks Billy Joel wrote some cool songs, can spot physical ailments from a distance, realized how good of a song "Straight Up" is, wanted to cry every time he heard Angie's voice, thinks of Richard Harris whenever he thinks of disco, is looking for someone to throw a mic stand and show some "frickin emotion" that will break his heart, thinks it's pretty bizarre for people to sing in front of an audience, doesn't pay attention to the pre-performance videos, and is the Stig, though nobody cares what the Stig is.

Things we learned about all the judges, aka The Judges: All the judges were confused by a ventriloquist, had some tense words during their deliberations, and not only disagreed with Jimmy but also were afraid of him.

Things we learned about Ryan Seacrest, aka Trained Seal: Ryan learned how to say "superstar" in sign language, found joy in the music sung on the streets of San Antonio, can see fake dead people, thinks the judges are tough on country singers, likes contestants that are only 5 feet tall, forgot that the live elimination shows are before a live studio audience, craves masculinity, is looking for places in the Philippines to hang out, needs help dealing with bad boys, was born with a lot of cheese, follows Carrie Underwood, has the same swerve as Randy but doesn't want to talk about how to work a skirt, is 5'-8 1/2" tall, forgot that Mariah was in a movie, can't do attitude faces because he's short, is no longer pimping the iTunes because Carson Daly is pimping them on The Voice instead, can spot chemistry from a distance, knows the full name of "Satisfaction", is stronger than he looks, is not impressed that Idol is in the broadcasting hall of fame, can do the shoulder bounce, wanted to beat up Jimmy, wasn't sure if 1 or 2 chicks were going home after no one was eliminated the week before, has been a victim of swatting, wonders how the performers can sing songs that they've never heard before, thinks AT&T is your lifeline, and has a future as a psychotherapist if this hosting thing doesn't work out for him.

Things we learned about Jimmy Iovine, aka Andy Cap: Jimmy is not only is still in the Idol cast but also has a speaking role, once worked with Madonna, gets nervous talking to the contestants, thinks everyone in the world has heard "Let It Be", likes his singers restrained, believes Nicki is in love with him, thinks the other judges favored Amber, wonders how the performers can sing songs after watching emotional videos, and thinks John Lennon could have used some psychotherapy.

Things we learned about Nigel Lythgoe, aka The Producer: Nigel permitted original songs to be sung after the auditions, didn't have time for Jimmy Iovine, was willing to sacrifice the ratings to get a chick winner, and was indeed picking the contestant's songs.

Things we learned about the contestants: Nobody seemed thrilled to meet Randy in person. Johnny Keyser learned that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Burnell Taylor was infatuated with Amber Holcomb and had a NOLA accent so strong that none of the other contestants could understand what he was saying. Lazaro Argos has special powers and impressed la chicas with his bright clothes but is not Elvis. Janelle Arthur is "counnntree", is a drama queen, got laughed at by Burnell, and wears a size 6 cowboy boot. Amber talks to herself, loves taking pictures of herself, has a sister in the Army, and was uncomfortable about Burnell's infatuation. Angie Miller is a champion speed clapper and can stare down anyone. Kree Harrison appeared on Rosie O'Donnell's show when she was a kid, knows "everyone", is a hugger, liked to iron the other contestant's shirts, and was born in the same hospital as Janis Joplin. Candice Glover tried out in Seasons 9 and 11 but not Season 10 as I had thought, had her own room, and a love/hate relationship with both Burnell and Nicki.

Things we learned about American Idol: Idol had a small bus tour and raised the age limit from 27 to 29. A contestant can forget his lyrics and still move on to the next round. The Idol audience was so anxious to boo any criticism that they would even boo ones that are a joke. The Idol reject appeared on The Tonight Show the next night. Idol is much more fun to watch while drinking a full bottle of wine.

Things we learned about life: PLWJ is a lousy nickname. Victoria's Secret makes DDD bras. Amazon has its own clothing line. Mars' red surface is because it's made of iron oxide. There are apparently small towns in the suburbs of Boston. Too many kids today have never heard a Beatles song. Not everyone from New Orleans knows how to pronounce French words. There's a dialect known as Geechee. The mini-series The Bible is based on a book. Togo's mission is to save the world, one sandwich at a time. Fake Vikings think Alec Baldwin can act. JC Penney has learned from their mistakes. VMS has incompetent employees. Levi's business is doing so well they could pay the San Francisco 49ers millions of mullah to slap their name on their new football stadium. Nationwide Insurance tails its customers with helicopters. Erica had a rough day. Hyundai's cars can email you and tell you how they feel. There's yet another movie coming out that includes the White House getting blown up. In the pursuit of fabulous the savvy always win.

Things we learned about other celebrities: Emma Stone has a raspy voice because she screamed for 6 months straight when she was a baby. Jennifer Hudson hates getting up in the morning. Kim Jung Un and Dennis Rodman are friends for life. Charles Barkley has large drawers. Joy Behar has been on The View for 17 years. Shirley Bassey is Welsh. Kate Moss is eating better, or at least eating. Ashley Judd was apparently contemplating running for the U.S. Senate. Smokey Robinson grew up around the corner from Aretha Franklin, was the first to record "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", and doesn't know how many hit songs he's associated with. Rihanna is taking on the world. The Rolling Stones are coming to town. Anthony Hopkins loves the lady birds. Mr. T's work is done. Nate Montana has his father's eyes. Patrick Willis' feelings are hurt. Miles Davis gave Randy advice about singing even though Miles never sang on any of his recordings. Harry Connick Jr. wants to look like Candice if she were a man and wasn't there to blow smoke up the contestant's asses. Don Cheadle likes nature shows with penguins. Carly Rae Jepsen was a finalist on Canadian Idol in 2007.

Things learned by Me, aka The Armchair Idol Judge: The Armchair Idol Judge learned which channel Oprah's network is on, how to use an app that syncs photos between an iPhone and an iPad, how to edit HTML to get the fonts to show correctly, that "boggled" and "croaky" are real words, that there are Beatles songs that I have never heard before, that there was a singer named Emeli Sande, and that Idol has a cute Asian chick backup singer. Though if Cheyennis Doom is still out there….

The grand finale for the season recap will be my fearless predictions for the Top 10 finalists, plus now apparently 3 judges that are leaving. Perhaps 4. Perhaps 5?