Name Drops Keep Falling On My Head

Apparently two seasons of Trained Seal pimping iTunes were not enough to pay Steve Jobs’ mortgage, so tonight we’ll have 90 minutes of iTunes pimping. Somehow the producers came up with a show theme that they could use for constant product placement. Perhaps later this season themes will include songs that you can play on Ford’s Sync system and songs that have been used in Coca-Cola commercials.

Since this week’s theme allows the contestants to sing songs that are hot, fresh, and current I looked online ahead of time to see if I could get the song list in advance since I figured that the chances were good that I would not recognize at least half the songs. I also want to reduce the number of times I have to stop and start the DVR to make sure I get the song and artist written down. All that stopping and starting takes time and I’m getting tired of getting tired of staying up so late to write these recaps, not to mention that I’m getting of tired of complaining that I’m getting tired. I imagine you are too.

Trained Seal’s intro has all the false dramatics that we have all come to know and love, though he didn't say anything of note this week. Drunk Chick is wearing another skirt tonight. You would think that after last week’s embarrassing comments she would have considering wearing a pants suit or something instead. Big Sexy repeats the comments he says at the start of the show every week. Horny Chick talks about artistry again. Drunk Chick assures Ryan that she has nothing under the table tonight, though she neglects to mention if she is still hiding something in her skirt. Captain Jack is looking forward to Trained Seal being “amazing”.

Last week the contestants went with Barry Gordy and Smokey Robinson to visit Hitsville in Detroit. This week they visited Trained Seal at his radio studio. What, the producers could not afford to fly 9 people plus a camera crew to Cupertino to visit Apple? They all look chipper in the video but it has to be something of a disappointment considering the other perks these folks have been getting, Trained Seal acts like he is the star of the show as if he was a tor-mentor.

Anoop Desai – “Caught Up” by Usher: Anoop promises to follow Big Sexy’s advice from last week and get back to the hip hoppy high energy stuff. I hope he still feels good about that decision when Trained Seal puts him in the bottom 3 tomorrow. Anoop is bringing out the attitude but his tone is very flat; not pitchy per say, more out of tune like a beginner trumpet player. He never really gets it in tune and ends the song the same way he started it. Big Sexy loved the swagger but didn't think it was the right song for him, even though Anoop was just doing what Big Sexy told him to do. Horny Chick thought Anoop played it safe and uses about 30 words to say that it sounded like karaoke. She then adds that to her it sounded like Anoop was dared to sing the song by a bunch of drunken frat boys. I bet Kara was speaking from experience there. Drunk Chick wanted to see more dancing and wanted Anoop to abuse the band more. Simon thought it was an utter mess and that Anoop came over as a “wanna-be.” When asked by Ryan, Anoop justified his song choice and at the same time trashed Kara’s comments. He wants to be an R&B artist, damn it! Not the crooner that Horny Chick wants him to be. Never mind that he can’t sing R&B songs. Attitude alone can’t get ‘er done, dawg.

Megan Joy Corkrey – “Turn Your Lights Down Low” by Bob Marley/Lauren Hill (slash added by Megan): I wonder why Megan is singing so early tonight. Have the producers decided that it is time for her to go? Then again, the advance word was the Megan was supposed to go first, only for the producers to move her out of the spot of death at the last minute. I am so confused about whether or not the producers want to get rid of this chick or keep her around. I am also confused by this odd song choice. A reggae song? Within the first five notes this did not sound like a good song choice. She is in decent voice but can you imagine Janis Joplin singing reggae? Neither can I. She does appear to be having some fun though, and I didn't see the annoying tummy shimmy that much this time. Of course this was because the camera focused on her face for most of the song, suggesting that the producers are getting tired to the shimmy too. Kara painfully declares that Megan is in trouble and trashes the song choice, name dropping Adele in the process. When the crowd gets on her case Horny Chick lashes back again by declaring “you get up here and do it then.” It’s a deal; I’ll book my ticket to Hollywood tomorrow. Captain Jack expresses words of sympathy. Paula was disappointed that Megan did not take us by surprise and sing a sensitive ballad and no one boos. Captain Jack thought the song was boring and self-indulgent and basically repeats the same thing he said last week, with the same crowd reaction. Big Sexy compared it to watching paint dry. He then name drops Duffy, Amy Winehouse, and Adele, and Horny Chick is upset that he repeated what she said. Megan politely disagrees with the judges and tells Trained Seal that she thought the audience and her fans were “feeling it”, though she claims that she now understands what the judges have been saying. Captain Jack is not convinced of Megan’s sincerity.

Danny Gokey – “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts: Danny gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal, who questions why Danny chose a country song. Danny also claims that last week’s clumsy performance was because he really wanted to do another song and had to settle for his fifth song choice. Oh, and Paula’s chihuahuas ate his lyric sheet. Danny tones it down, which means no Taylor Hicks-like dancing to criticize. He throws a few nice runs in there and then kicks it up with big notes to get the crowd excited. Good tone, good pitch, good song choice, and no wacky stuff. Yeah, this was pretty good. Not goosebump good but still better than anyone else so far. Drunk Chick wants more for her heart. Simon thought it was Danny’s best performance of the competition and both Danny and the audience almost collectively faint. Captain Jack then reaches into his bag of analogy tricks and says that this performance compared to Danny’s previous two was like two snails competing against a race horse. “It’s crazy!” Captain Jack declares. “You’re crazy!” I shout back at the TV. Big Sexy thought Danny’s performance was crazy and appropriate for a “singing competition”. Everyone playing along at home take a drink! Captain Jack tells Danny to ignore Big Sexy’s advice to rock it with the mic next week. Are you listening Anoop? Horny Chick was emotionally moved and may be reconsidering choosing Matt to be the object of her affection this season. She had the goosebumps even if I didn't, but then she plays on the other side of the fence from me.

Allison Iraheta – “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt: Allison has a hideous red outfit on and an equally scary hairdo. I’m sorry, I know she is 16 and is my personal favorite to win but whoever is dressing her should be fired. Allison busts out the guitar for the first time, perhaps to try and hide the outfit. She starts out very shaky and loses the beat a couple of times, not good when you’re the only one playing or singing. She starts to gain some confidence when she ditches the guitar and the band starts playing. Well, slurring is more like it. By the end she is really bringing it and she almost saves what looked at the start to be a train wreck. Almost. Big Sexy says lots of complimentary things but cannot believe what Allison is wearing. The audience claims that they dig it and I’m thinking that it is about time that they start setting some criteria for who should be allowed to be in the audience for this show. Maybe like a test or something. Horny Chick thinks that Allison doesn't need to dress like a rocker chick, and this is the girl who pushed Alexis Grace to do exactly that. Drunk Chick didn't realize until Allison brought out the guitar that she has an edge to her, proving again that Paula is either losing her mind or is too drunk to remember any of Allison’s other performances. Memory loss is a well known side affect of drinking too much alcohol after all. Thanks, Paula, for that indirect community service reminder. Drunk Chick continues her comments as if she is reading them from a script or a teleprompter. Captain Jack thought Allison was too precocious and “dressy-uppy”, and Paula claims that this is no different from what Simon was doing at 16. Now we know what Paula was doing when she was 16. I’m surprised that she even remembers what she was doing when she was 16. I would be surprised if she remembers what she did last week. The rest of Captain Jack’s comments were drowned out by the other judges saying something that the audience cheers for, and then by the Idol bumper music.

Scott McIntyre – “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel: Way to take a chance there, Scott. I guess he still doesn't want to take Drunk Chick’s advice. This guy is smarter than I thought. No back-up singers at the piano tonight, just Wonder Man and his keys. The song seems to be suiting him much better than the shouting bounce fests he has been singing the last 3 weeks. He still works in a few shouts into a song that doesn't have any. It was a fine vocal performance but it sounded a little too self-indulgent to me. Horny Chick thinks Scott made a smart decision by doing a Billy Joel song from an honest place. She also loves the new look. I guess someone must have dressed him this week. Rather than paraphrase I’ll let Drunk Chick speak for herself: “Out of all of the contestants that have graced this stage, I’m most proud of you. And I want the audience to know, it has nothing to do about your challenge but everything to do that makes me forget about that challenge.” It sounds like Scott’s strategy of leaving a bottle of whiskey at Paula’s dressing room door each week is starting to pay off. I would guess that Drunk Chick has been waiting for weeks to bring up the blindness thing and with the alcohol switching off whatever restraint Drunk Chick has left the time finally came to bring it out. Even Scott looks a little uncomfortable. Simon thought it was Scott’s best performance. That is not saying much but I would agree with that assessment. Captain Jack lauds Scott for not listening to “madam’s advice” about not playing the piano and as expected Drunk Chick denies ever saying that. Captain Jack calls for rewinding the tape. The two start arguing again and the producers get in Big Sexy’s ear and tell him to jump in and make his comments before the two kids start throwing punches on live television. The producers do the same to Trained Seal and push him to quickly read Scott’s phone number and go to break.

Matt Giraud – “You Found Me” by The Fray: The other Piano Man has to follow Wonder Man, who tells Trained Seal in his Coca-Cola treatment that he was surprised that he was in the bottom 3 last week when the judges were so positive. I must admit that I have never heard of this band. Matt leaves the stage and starts in the middle of the audience with his keyboard. The first few notes were out-of-tune and rushed, but he manages to get it back in gear before the shouting chorus. Matt is putting a lot into the performance, maybe a little too much. That bottom 3 thing last week must have put the fear of God in him. Drunk Chick was disappointed that Matt “aborted” the riffing and falsetto voice that she loves so much. She too avoids the K-word but essentially accuses Matt of doing that. The crowd boos her without mercy, but this time Paula does not have a stroke about it. Captain Jack thinks Matt should be happy that the judges don’t like him this week. He also found the performance to be too uptight and too copycat, another way of saying the K-word. Since I have never heard of The Fray I have to take his word for it. Big Sexy trashes the song choice by name dropping Justin Timberlake again and also mentions One Republic, another band that I have never heard of. He wants to see more flavor and less rock. Horny Chick is looking for a commitment but doesn't think he deserves to go home, like a girlfriend usually does.

Lil Rounds – “I Surrender” by Celine Dion: Lil is tired of getting nailed about her song choices, so after careful consideration she chooses a Celine Dion song. Go figure. I guess she has finally decided to embrace her divaness. Lil has yet another new hair style this week. It doesn't serve her well but it looks better than the hideous do that Allison had. She starts out boring and flat but kicks it up with the big notes that explain why Lil chose the song. The audience reacts like it is the greatest thing since Danny Gokey sang but I was not as amazed. It was good, but it was too predictable. Guess what, Big Sexy nails Lil on the song choice but claims that she sang it well to limit the booing. He is literally begging Lil to sing a younger song like a Mary J. Blige or Keisha Cole tune. Horny Chick joins the name drop parade by adding Mariah and Eric Carmen. Kara loves the big notes but thought there was not enough of them. Paula wants to see more joy and less adult contemporary. Simon calls Lil out for being too safe and too soft. He suggested that Lil sing the Mary J. Blige version of U2’s “One”. Trained Seal asks Lil’s daughters if they think the judges were too hard on their mom. The first daughter declines to say anything but the other says that she’ll take a swing at Captain Jack, only to see her change her mind and accept a hug from Big Sexy instead.

Adam Lambert – “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry: Now this ought to be interesting. I am actually starting to look forward to his performances just to see what he does. Good or bad it is bound to be interesting. Adam kept the pompadour from last week. You know, he is bringing a different take this song, which I didn't think was possible. It has kind of a high speed reggae/Rolling Stones mix to it. He holds off on the shouting until the chorus, but as I've pointed out before he is the best shouter in the competition so it does not hurt him as much. At the end it is almost all shouting but he still made it interesting, and no one else (Allison’s hairstyle not withstanding) is doing that on this show. Drunk Chick is speechless at first, but then finds enough breath to declare Adam to be a true genius comparable to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Captain Jack thought Adam was brave and original and actually dares to utter the K-word to describe everyone else’s performance. Sure, he has the guts to say it now when they are all back stage. Big Sexy thought it would be corny but was happy that it wasn't. Adam takes the opportunity to give some props to Ricky Minor and the band for the arrangement. Horny Chick thought it was like “Studio 57” up there. Trained Seal did not have enough time to correct Kara’s analogy. It is supposed to be Studio 54; I looked it up to be sure.

Kris Allen – “Ain't No Sunshine” by Bill Withers: Tender Dawg gets the closer spot even though he hasn't yet been in the bottom 3. Kris promises to make this song “current”. I don’t know, he is playing with fire by doing that with a song like this. Kris starts out very dramatic, and ditched the guitar that we never heard for a keyboard that we can actually hear. The string quartet kicks in with the second verse along with the goofy faces that the tweener chicks crave. It was a decent performance, probably enough to keep him around for another week, but I don’t know if adding some dramatic pauses and a few grunts and groans here and there makes it “current”, unless you are David Cook. Now I’m name dropping. Randy thought Kris was creative and slayed it again this week. Horny Chick is ecstatic about the artistry, and actually keeps to her promise to use only three words this time. Drunk Chick did in fact think it was current and his best performance to date. Simon liked the clever arrangement and his newfound confidence. Trained Seal gives Horny Chick a hard time about the numbers thing while he gives out Kris’ number.

And now, the continuation of the Osborne’s overexposure. I was not surprised to see that the producers of American Idol are also producing this poison too.

The Final Score: 15 shots at Drunk Chick Paula; 15 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 13 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 12 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 12 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; and 10 shots at the audience. A pretty even spread this week, more so than I think I have ever seen it. 3 direct references to former Idol contestants and 18 references to other non-Idol performers thanks to all the name dropping. 3 references to a contestant’s haircut, 3 contestants playing keyboards, 3 reminders of how alcohol affects memory, 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 bands that I have never heard of, 1 reference to Idol being a singing competition, 1 offer to become an Idol judge, 1 drunken frat boy reference, 1 billionaire reference, 1 K-word utterance, 3 avoidances of K-word utterances, and I didn't bother to count the number of iTunes plugs.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Danny Gokey put himself back into the frontrunner spot after two somewhat off weeks. Adam Lambert surprised me yet again. I must admit that I am starting to warm up to Broadway Boy. I’ll put Kris Allen in the show spot, not so much because he was so good but because everyone else was worse than him.

Idol Gives Back: Michael Sarver’s departure did not surprise anyone and I am back up to .500 for the finals. What was surprising was to see Matt Giraud in the bottom 3. I see a trend here. The last two weeks there has been a “surprising” bottom 3 occupant, Matt last week and Allison the week before. In both cases they were the first contestant of the night, and both had something in common with another performer in the bottom 3. Allison and Alexis Grace were both rocker chicks, and both Matt and Scott McIntyre play the piano. I know, kind of eerie, huh?

The Fearless Prediction: You would think that giving the contestants a longer list of songs to choose from would have resulted in better performances, but with few exceptions they were actually worse. Maybe the producers should stick to telling the contestants what song to sing like they usually do. This makes it more difficult for me to predict a bottom 3. I will again predict that Megan Joy Corkrey will be in the bottom 3 and again expect that the producers and Vote for the Worst.com will prove me wrong. I suspect that Matt Giraud will be back in the bottom 3 only because Scott McIntyre was a little bit better than him tonight, though it would not surprise me to see Lil Rounds or Allison Iraheta there instead. Yes, I am hedging my bets. My fearless prediction, though, is that what I predicted last week will come true, and that because Anoop Desai followed Big Sexy’s advice he will be heading back to Tobacco Road to study barbeque tomorrow night.

It's All About The Artistry

What happens when you have a host who claims that the contestants on this show are the most talked about singers in the country? Lots of screaming from the audience and lost of snickers from the folks at home. Welcome to this week’s recap and let’s get right to it so I can go to bed before Carson Daly’s show comes on. Drunk Chick comes out wearing a ballet tutu for a skirt. One thing about these new intros is that you get to see all of goofy outfits that the judges wear. For some reason during Trained Seal’s intro the judges are otherwise preoccupied. Oh, I see, they are paying props to Smokey Robinson and Barry Gordy, who are in attendance this evening. Trained Seal is so upset about being ignored that he admonishes the judges to get in their seats. After some pointless banter with Randy and Kara Ryan and Paula exchange cheerful hellos and Drunk Chick hits Ryan up for a date. Trained Seal accepts Paula’s offer with a nervous chuckle. Captain Jack cannot admit that he is looking forward to tonight’s songs after surviving country week last week or hearing about Paula and Ryan’s date.

Ryan gives us a history lesson on Motown Records, and I wonder if any of the kids are paying attention to what must be ancient history to them. The kids got a tour of the original Hitsville U.S.A. building in Detroit. During the tour Barry Gordy gives props to the City of Detroit even though he moved Motown out of that building and out of The Motor City decades ago.

Tonight’s tor-mentor is Motown legend Smokey Robinson, and again it will be hard for me to make fun of him even though he claimed that this season’s contestants were “special”. One nice thing about tonight’s theme is that there is a decent chance that I will recognize all of the songs and not have to use Google or depend on Trained Seal to tell me who originally sang them.

Matt Giraud – “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye: And this week the last shall be first. Let’s see if this affects Matt’s performance at all or the judges’ reaction to it. Smokey’s best advice was “Marvin would love that.” Easy to say now since Marvin Gaye is not around to object. Matt is back behind the keyboards, turning a funky soul song into a piano bar ballad. He quickly comes to his senses and ditches the piano to make sensual love with the microphone and the audience. This must be an important week for Matt because he shaved for the first time since the semis. Thankfully there was no shouting, that would be sacrilegious with this song and Matt paid it the proper respect. It was a little on the karaoke side but there was enough soul in his performance to make it alright. Big Sexy is happy tonight and declares Matt to be one of the front runners. Horny Chick claims there are a lot of girls ready to get it on after that performance, starting with her. Drunk Chick says that Matt’s “ripping” is “respectable” and compares Matt to well-worn jeans. Simon praises the song choice and acknowledges Randy’s comments about being a front runner. I find myself slowly agreeing with both of them. He reminds me a lot of Elliott Yamin from Season 5 with his white soul voice and slow but steady rise up the charts.

I’m tired of typing Sexual Chocolate after every singer so I am changing Randy’s nickname to the much shorter but equally adapt Big Sexy. Hope you don’t mind.

Ryan pimps the iTunes early tonight, and then to tease you to keep Steve Jobs rich Trained Seal claims that the contestants sang their songs this week with the original Motown band mixed in instead of Ricky Minor and the Idol Orchestra.

Kris Allen – “How Sweet It Is” by Marvin Gaye: Smokey was really excited about Kris’ song choice, much like he was with Matt’s, perhaps because they are choosing Marvin Gaye’s songs instead of his own. Kris starts his song like Matt’s too, only with a guitar instead of a piano. He quickly picks up this pace, again like Matt did, but once again I cannot hear the guitar. He should have a serious talk with the sound mixer if he hopes to defy the producers and stay on the show. Kris is more or less in tune and on pitch, though he seems insistent on inserting a bunch of runs into a pretty simple song. They seem to be working on Drunk Chick and the audience so I guess I can’t complain too much. Again like Matt he keeps it cool but still manages to get the big note at the end. The camera finds Kris’ wife again to remind the tweeners at home that he is not available and give them a reason not to vote for him. Horny Chick claims that Kris didn't sound like either James Taylor or Marvin Gaye, though now that she mentioned it he did sound a lot like James Taylor. She then goes on the praise his artistry with a very serious look on her face. Drunk Chick of course has a completely opposite look but says mostly the same thing. Captain Jack also liked his version but thinks Kris is not acting confident enough. Randy thinks everything is good and Kris is in the zone. Trained Seal and Captain Jack trade some uncomfortable banter about self-confidence while Kris insists that he had fun even though the judges were all complimentary.

Scott McIntyre – “You Can’t Hurry Love” by Diana Ross & The Supremes: Scott gets the Coca-Cola treatment as Trained Seal grills him about the argument Captain Jack and Drunk Chick had last week about whether or not Scott should take a risk and try to perform without the piano. Scott claims that he loves Paula but is ignoring her advice for now in favor of Simon’s. Scott sings the song as a ballad to Smokey, who lauds it as contemporary. Smokey enjoyed him “all the time” even though they only spent about an hour together. I’m telling you this guy has magical powers; even Smokey has drunk the Kool-Aid. Scott duplicates both Matt and Kris by starting the song slow and then quickly picking up the tempo. After three times this is getting annoying. The backup singers have come up to the piano this time, though Scott plows through as if they are not there. It was a typical Scott performance but it was more controlled than his previous two until the shout at the end. Bland but OK. Drunk Chick loves how Scott took a risk by bringing the back-up singers up to the piano. Yeah, now that is a sign of creativity if I have ever seen one. Hey, the girl who cried for Sanjaya Malakar is back, or at least a reasonable facsimile. Captain Jack immediately contradicts Paula and claims that Scott’s performance was terrible honky-tonk. He also trashed the song choice and Drunk Chick looks like she is trying to shoot laser beams from her eyes into Captain Jack. Simon is just laying into Scott about his bad song choices and his inability to make an impact and Paula is beside herself. It only gets worse for Drunk Chick when Big Sexy agrees with Simon. Kara was happy to hear some tempo but was not crazy about the execution of Scott’s creativity. Maybe Scott should consider doing something else during the week besides think about how creative his interpretations can be, because all of this thinking is not serving him well. Trained Seal challenges Paula to judge Scott’s performance compared to Matt’s and Kris’ and Captain Jack and Horny Chick debate whether or not Paula will be honest in her judgment. You can guess which one thought what and which one of them I agree with. Drunk Chick refuses to answer the question directly, as expected, and when Simon calls her out for that, as expected, Drunk Chick reaches under the table and gives a box of crayons and two coloring books to the “6 year old.” I wonder how long she has had those props under the table. Trained Seal has to explain Paula’s actions to Scott and I wish he would explain them to me too. As we go to break Captain Jack has pulled out one of the crayons and started drawing on Drunk Chick’s face, which reminds me of a stunt my friends in college did once when they were drunk. No, not to me. That was shaving cream.

We are back from the break that featured the first Cheyennis Doom commercial and Ryan asks what else Paula has under the table. Drunk Chick replies that “it’s under my skirt” without any embarrassment at all. Horny Chick reveals here naiveté about all things Idol by muttering “Dear God” on live television in response to Paula’s comments. Trained Seal, who is clearly used to this and is after all a trained professional, continues on without skipping a beat.

Megan Joy Corkrey – “For Once In My Life” by Stevie Wonder: No one has yet explained to me why Megan Joy dropped her last name so I will continue to use it until I am told otherwise. Hopefully she has recovered enough from her flu so that she can’t use it for her out-of-tune singing. Megan slurred the lyrics like a drunk chick while singing for Smokey. Smokey loves how different Megan is and she takes this as a compliment. I’m sure he meant it that way. Smokey declares that “Megan is one of the most original contestants in the history of the show.” Yup, I’m sure about the Kool-Aid thing now. Megan again is out-of-tune and I again wonder if the judges will actually point that out this time. I guess that is what makes her “original.” She roams behind the judges table, winking at Simon as she passes by because she knows like I do that Captain Jack is her ace in the hole when she inevitably has the lowest vote total. This type of wandering is usually annoying but it does prevent her from doing that even more annoying tummy shimmy. I will say, though, that she got better as the song went along, saving it from being a total train wreck. She even manages to add some whiskey soul into the song and avoid shouting an animal noise at the end. It still wasn't great to me but it was her best performance so far in the finals. Big Sexy prefaces his comments by saying that he still has mad love for Megan but then declares over a chorus of anticipatory boos that it was a train wreck. It was so bizarre to Randy and I wonder why he thinks that only because she has been signing this way since the start of this season. Kara agrees with Randy and wanted her to sing “My Guy” instead. Horny Chick misses the old Megan who “dominated” her songs. Paula surprisingly agrees with both Randy and Kara. Simon is checking his watch and recommends that Megan fire whoever is advising her. That would be the Motown legend sitting about 10 feet away, wouldn't it? Of course Megan responds to this criticism by claiming that she had a good time.

Anoop Desai – “Oh Baby Baby” by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles: Smokey is actually happy that someone has chosen to sing one of his songs, or at least he puts on a good show about it. Smokey shares the history of the song with Anoop and the rest of America and I for one appreciate it. So does Anoop. I also appreciate that Anoop again picked a song that he can sing instead of just bounce and shout at. He is managing to hit the high notes that Smokey made famous but it is coming across as somewhat flat and emotionless, which is not the way to sing a sensual song as Smokey called it. Anoop does manage to throw in a couple of nice riffs towards the end. It was OK but not memorable. Horny Chick talks about how this song is supposed to go from your chest to your head and how she connected with Anoop’s chest, but not with a lot of conviction. She does praise his skill set though. Read that for what you will. Paula loves Anoop’s sweet phrasing, but she took so long to get that out that the audience hesitated before cheering. Simon thought it was a great vocal but that Anoop looked like he was bored singing it. I was bored listening to it. Big Sexy urges Anoop to turn it up next week even though that was what put him on the verge of elimination after Michael Jackson week. Anoop answers Trained Seal’s question about whether he thinks he can win this competition with more confidence than he did the last time he was asked that question. Well, not if he listens to Big Sexy.

Michael Sarver – “Ain't Too Proud to Beg” by The Temptations: Coca-Cola time for the Blue Collar Man. Trained Seal tells us that Michael was so sick last week that he missed out on the Detroit trip and I wonder why Ryan didn't bring this up after Michael’s performance last week like he did with Megan’s. In fact, he was so laid up that Smokey even had to make a house call. Gee, I wonder which one the producers favor more, Megan or Michael? Actually, this was pretty obvious about 6 weeks ago. Michael promises to “church it up” and have a good time and I worry for this boy because this is what got him in trouble last week. Even the ever-positive Smokey tries to pound the seriousness of the song into him. Michael starts out by putting some interesting phrasing into the first lyric. He then starts to lose the lyrics a bit when he starts to shake hands with the mosh pit that has already sold their souls to Kris Allen. Michael ends with a churched up staccato vocal that I’m sure he had fun with. To me it was a decent vocal but on the sloppy side. The performance was too tough for Drunk Chick to say anything about and that gets everyone nervous, especially Paula. She finally gets out that she thought Michael’s performance was too Vegas loungey and almost has a heart attack when the audience boos her. Captain Jack tries to make it easier on Michael by claiming that he could not wait for his performance to end and that Michael has no chance of winning if he keeps singing like that. Simon gets all serious like he did with Scott but still manages to work in a shot at Paula. Michael admits that he knew it would be a train wreck before he got on stage but that he still tried his best because he loves “these friggin people”. Randy thought the song was too big for Michael because he does not have that R&B thing going on. Horny Chick claims “that at this point in the competition it is not about the singing, it is about the artistry.” Really now, and I have always been told that Idol is a singing competition, not an art competition. Kara wants an artist and Michael is not yet fitting that stereotype. Trained Seal thinks it must be tough for Michael to stand there and listed to these comments, but Michael just shrugs it off and describes how much fun he is having begin in the Top 10 of American Idol. I hope he is taking it all in now because if he keeps this up he won’t last much longer.

Lil Rounds – “Heatwave” by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas: I guess after last week’s scare the producers are back to putting the favorites on in the second half of the show. Lil is totally into the theme this week, even down to her retro Motown hairdo and dress. Smokey brings up the singing out of the phone book thing that Kara brought up last week. Trained Seal says that it was an emotional week for Lil after she saw the pictures back in Detroit. Since Lil is the only African American left in the competition I guess she is entitled to that without snide comments from me. This week figured to be grooved right into Lil’s wheelhouse and she does not disappoint, bringing out the big vocals right from the get-go. It was loud and proud but Lil goes a little overboard with the emotion and the shouting. Randy thought that the end was cool but that the beginning was torture. He sensed, like I did, that she was rushing through the song and Big Sexy is clearly disappointed in little Lil. So is Lil after hearing that. Kara thought Lil should have nailed it this week but didn't, and now Horny Chick is not sure about Lil’s chances of winning the competition. When the audience starts to boo her Horny Chick chastises them, saying that she is only trying to give Lil constructive criticism. That actually manages to stop the booing; funny how that never works when Captain Jack tries that line. Paula of course disagrees with Kara and Randy (aka “those two”) and of course the audience cheers. Captain Jack though it was an authentic tribute to Motown but it was a bad sing choice, again with lots of seriousness even with Drunk Chick constantly sniping at him. Captain Jack is clearly bored tonight. Simon thought Lil would have had a “moment” if she had sang “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” instead, which prompts Drunk Chick to interrupt by claiming that she did have a moment and prompts Horny Chick to interrupt and claim that Lil didn't. Simon finally reclaims his time and says that Lil has the best singing voice in the competition and thought she should choose songs that accentuate that voice. Trained Seal asks Lil whether she agreed with Kara or Paula (though not Randy and Simon interestingly) and Lil gives a diplomatic answer that leads Drunk Chick to say that Lil could run for president right now.

Adam Lambert – “Tracks of My Tears” by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles: Trained Seal promises a surprise from Broadway Boy, and as we go to break we see Adam wearing a gray suit and sporting slicked back hair. Nothing this dude does surprises me any more. You would think Smokey would have been scared to learn that Adam of all people is singing one of his songs but again he reacts surprisingly well. Smokey even admires Adam’s interpretation. Adam comes out with only a small acoustic trio and actually starts singing instead of shouting. Even during the loud chorus he keeps it subdued and does well with the high notes, and this song has a lot of them. You can see the emotion too as Adam is almost crying at the end. Man, that was good, best of the night so far by a lot. Even Smokey gives it a Standing O. Kara says it was one of the best performances of the night. Paula babbles some compliments. Simon disagrees with Kara and says that it was the best performance of the night. Randy praises the tender moments. I just noticed that the better the performance is the shorter my recap of it is. I would be able to get to bed a lot sooner if there were more performances like this.

Danny Gokey – “Get Ready” by The Temptations: Smokey gets on Danny’s case about leaving a hole in his singing for the background singers, which brings up something that has been in the back of my mind the whole show, and that is how these solo singers can do justice to a song originally sung by a group. Wouldn't they have to leave gaps in the song? Wouldn't it sound weird if they didn't? So far I haven’t noticed it too much but that may be because the performers and the judges have been distracting me with other things to write about. So what does Danny do at the start of the song? Leave gaps for the back-up singers. He starts out doing the same thing that Lil did, speeding through the song with lots of shouting. He is bringing a lot of emotion to the number and injects some Temps style dancing with the back-up singers just to upset Captain Jack. It was a good song choice for him but it was verging on being over the top. Drunk Chick claims that she has to talk fast even though there are still 15 minutes and only one singer left before your late local news. Not that I am complaining mind you. She still manages to babble incoherently. Captain Jack thought it was clumsy and amateurish, referring to Danny’s performance and not Paula’s comments, but nevertheless Drunk Chick is beside herself yet again. Big Sexy name drops Levi Stubbs even though he didn’t sing this song. That was the other Motown group, dawg. Kara thought it was good but not great. I would agree with her.

Allison Iraheta – “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations: After being in the bottom 3 last week the producers try to prop up Allison by putting her in the closer spot tonight. Interesting song choice for a 16 year old rocker chick. Smokey has to explain the rather adult song theme to Allison, who is having trouble remembering the lyrics. Ricky and the band bring the groove on and Allison slurs the opening lyrics like a good rocker chick should. She also comes out with a dirty girl outfit that she may have borrowed from Alexis Grace now that she no longer needs them. Allison is certainly adding some unique interpretations to the song with some interesting runs here and there and a big note at the end. The vocals are a bit sloppy but it was a solid performance nonetheless. Karaoke it was not, and even I am starting to wonder if Allison really is 16 years old. Big Sexy dropped the dope and said it was blazin’ hot. Ecstatic does not do justice to Horny Chick’s reaction to the song, when she claims that Allison sounds like she has been singing for 400 years and that her talent came directly from God. Depending on your religion I think it’s fair to say that about everybody, even Paula. Especially Paula. During Horny Chick’s orgasm Captain Jack pulls out the crayon again and draws a mustache on Drunk Chick’s face. Paula tries to cover up Simon’s artwork and still say nice things to Allison. Simon thinks Allison is a survivor and thought it was a good performance.

It is not yet 10 pm so Trained Seal kills time by asking Barry Gordy and Smokey what they thought of the performances. Barry acts like Drunk Chick and not only praises the performances but also the judging. Smokey still has the positive attitude he displayed during the rehearsals. Trained Seal promises performances from Smokey, Josh Stone, Ruben Stoddard, and Stevie Wonder during the results show tomorrow night (even though I still won’t watch), and it occurs to me that only one singer chose a Stevie song tonight. I hope you all took the under.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, who is still hiding things under her skirt; 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 20 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 11 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 8 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at the tor-mentor and his old boss (that was easier than I thought); 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the Band; and 8 shots at the audience. 4 direct references to other former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, 2 references to billionaires, 2 Kool-Aid references, 4 props to the Motor City, 3 shouting contestants, 3 contestants who claimed to have fun, 2 contestants recovering from the flu, 1 name drop, 1 dope drop, 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes pimps, 2 K-word utterance (both by me), 1 bored judge, 1 judge who found religion, 1 judge on life support, 3 crayon incidents, 1 retro hairdo, 1 train wreck, 1 church-up, 1 chest X-ray, 1 piece of betting advice, 1 moment of reminiscing, and 1 search under Paula’s skirt. And remember “that at this point in the competition it is not about the singing, it is about the artistry.”

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Adam Lambert went from self-indulgent nonsense to tender rich excellence in only one week. Trained Seal is right after all; this guy (Adam, not Ryan) is still surprising me. Matt Giraud still won’t win but he is slowly cementing a place in the top 5 and jeopardizing Scott McIntyre’s place in the process. Allison Iraheta is still my favorite so the third star goes to her.

Idol Gives Back: I guess I should get partial credit since the only person I correctly predicted would be in the bottom 3 last week was the one voted off. What concerns me is that Horny Chick will think Alexis Grace’s departure validates her ridiculous advice, since the one week that Alexis didn’t play the dirty girl was the week she was voted off. I would argue that Alexis was doomed to go anyway because she was following Kara’s advice up until that night. I was not too surprised that Michael Sarver ended up in the bottom 3 even though I thought others were worse. I was surprised to see Allison Iraheta there but she can take comfort in the fact that in the last two weeks she has seen the only other dirty girl, the only other Hispanic, and the only other teenager who can take votes away from her have been sent home.

The Fearless Prediction: It is still too early to predict that Scott McIntyre will be in the Bottom 3 even though his performances justify him being there now. It’s not too early to predict that Lil Rounds will be there and I have a sneaking suspicion that she will be this week. I don’t think she will be gone though. I also believe that we will see Megan Joy (nee Corkrey) there along with Michael Sarver. Since the producers still seem to want Megan around (as does Vote for the Worst.com) and I am still convinced that Captain Jack will use the judges’ rescue power to save her I predict that Michael Sarver’s good time will come to an end tomorrow night. Too bad, he seems like a nice guy.

Self-Indulgent FAQs

Since the president again pushed American Idol back a day (and BTW, who does he think he is delaying Idol twice within a month? Why isn't he doing these TV appearances on Mondays and pushing back Dancing with the Stars instead? ;) I thought I would take advantage of the potential lurkers coming here looking for the latest recap to answer some viewer mail, or at least the viewer mail I would expect to get if there were actually any viewers out there.

So why are you doing this blog, especially when you complain about staying up late all the time?
I enjoy making fun of silly things and I like writing, so a blog about American Idol seemed like a natural fit. It is also a nice release from my day-to-day struggles. Some people garden or drink a lot of booze to get away, my release is to write about a woman who does the latter as part of her job.

What attracted you to American Idol, especially when you only started watching the show in Season 5?
You can blame ants and Kellie Pickler. Seriously. I came home from work one Tuesday night in January 2006 to find about a thousand ants making 2 trails through my living room and into my kitchen. It took several hours to stop the ants' march and clean up the trail of dead ant bodies so since I was stuck at home when Idol Season 5 premiered I decided to turn it on and see what the fuss was all about. I remember Kellie Pickler's audition was on that show. I have rarely missed a show since.

(BTW, window cleaner and detergent work great on ants, as does borac acid mixed with sugar and water. Works much better than those traps you find at the store and are not as poisonous as the ant poison)

So what inspired you to recap the show?
I found myself yelling comments about the contestants' performances at the TV, comments that the judges weren't making but should have, such as Taylor Hicks' song choices, Katherine McPhee's arrogance, and Chris Daughtry's awesomeness. At the time I had a social blog that I was searching for topics to write about, so I had the bright idea to use that blog to express my judgments that otherwise were being ignored by my TV. The Armchair Idol Judge was born. Over time the blogs evolved from simple two sentence comments about each contestant's performance to a full fledged recap of the entire show. When I took down the social blog I still wanted to keep writing about Idol so I set up this blog. I was surprised that thearmchairidoljudge.blogspot.com had not been taken yet. I know there is a newspaper in Detroit that uses this title for its Idol recaps but that came after I started using it. I would consider selling it to them for the right price...

What's up with the nicknames?
Last season I came up with the idea of handicapping the field of contestants as if it were a horse race, so naturally each contestant had to have a race horse name. Some were rather dull and boring, but a few I thought were clever. My nickname for Ramiele Malubay, Pinoy's Lullaby, was my favorite.

(BTW, one of my Filipino friends pointed out that technically Ramiele is a Pinay, not a Pinoy, but I thought it made more sense to use Pinoy and it was too late to change it anyway)

So as Season 7 progressed I started giving nicknames to the judges too, since it only seemed fair. Simon Cowell was Mr. Happy, a nickname Randy Jackson gave him during the semis; Randy Jackson was The Dawg; Paula Abdul was and still is Drunk Chick; and Ryan Seacrest was The Ambiguously Gay Host, named after the Ambiguously Gay superheros sometimes seen on Saturday Night Live. Ryan's name soon proved to be too long to type so I changed it. You know how you sometime see seals trained to do stupid things for a reward, like balance a beach ball on the noses? I noticed that Ryan was doing the same thing, saying stupid things like how talented last season's contestants were for a cash reward. So hence the name.

Then on one of the Beatles weeks last year Carly Smithson (aka Ringer Girl) sang "Blackbird", and Simon Cowell felt it was worthy of mentioning that Paul McCartney originally called the song "Sparrow." Then a couple of weeks later after a David Cook performance Simon brought up the sparrow thing again, and that is when it dawned on me to nickname him Captain Jack Sparrow, after the British pirate played by Johnny Depp in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I later shortened it to just Captain Jack and the rest is history.

This season there was a contestant at the auditions that wore a shirt with "Sexual Chocolate" on it and Randy claimed that was his nickname, so I just followed what the man said. As for Kara, Vote for the Worst.com pointed out how often Kara sounded like she was in heat when she made her comments, so for lack of a better name I just picked up on that and started calling her Horny Chick. If something better comes up I'll change it.

Why do you keep score?
It all started when my sister pointed out during my Season 6 recaps how often I mentioned Chris Daughtry even though he was not competing. So I started to count the number of Chris Daughtry references in my recaps just to annoy her. Soon that evolved into counting the number of insults I make towards people on the show, the number of references to other contestants, and anything else that strikes my fancy.

(BTW, it takes about 45 minutes just to count everything in a full field recap, one reason it takes me so long to type them)

Your 3 Stars of the Night?
It's a hockey thing used to designate the best players in a particular game. Since I often mention the San Jose Sharks in my recaps and needed something to designate who I thought were the best performers of the night, it just seemed appropriate.

Why do you make fun of the mentors so much?
Because it is so much fun, and unlike the judges and Seacrest it is a rich source of fresh material. I will admit that it is difficult to make fun of mentors that I respect like Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder or who provide such great advice such as Andrew Lloyd Weber did last season. It is so much easier when the mentor is someone like Gwen Stefani or that guy from Herman's Hermits. I live for those shows.

What is "breaking kayfabe"?
It is a term originally used by carnival workers ("carnies") for the stories they would tell to get people to believe what they were selling instead of the truth, such as the boy who had six arms because his mother was impregnated by a spider. Today it is most commonly used in pro wrestling. As an example, there is a pro wrestler called The Undertaker who claims to be from Death Valley, has the power to resurrect from the dead, and has a brother named Kane who is also a pro wrestler. In fact The Undertaker is a mortal named Mark Calloway from Houston, Texas and his brother Kane is played by a guy named Glenn Jacobs whose previous character was a psychotic wrestling dentist. By telling you the truth about these guys I "broke kayfabe". So whenever someone on the show reveals something that goes against the illusions that the show likes to present (such as the judges hearing all of the auditions, the producers have nothing at all to do with deciding who goes home, and that Idol is a singing competition) I feel I am duty bound to break kayfabe and note this in my recaps.

(BTW, I have no idea how to correctly pronounce "kayfabe")

Why do you have so much trouble with verb tense?
I know, my AP English teachers from high school would be so ashamed... I usually write these recaps as I watch the show so they are in present tense when I write the recaps but in past tense when I post them. I tried during the auditions this year to correct the verbs but that just took too long and I always missed a few anyway, so I just gave up.

I have noticed some other typos, do you edit your recaps before posting them?
Yes, I do. I read through everything at least once, sometimes twice, before posting. I do notice, though, that I still miss a few errors here and there. I suspect it is because usually it is around midnight when I do the read-throughs so my mind is already half-asleep.

You do not seem to use a lot of contractions. This seems awkward.
You can thank Blogger for that. Their spell checker has problems with contractions that are imported from Word, and sometimes if I don't correct them the apostrophe sometimes appears as an empty box in the post. I try to limit the amount of contractions so that I can limit the amount of corrections I have to make at the end. It is not because I'm a pompous ass or anything like that. I really don't talk that way.

Do you read other recaps?
Not while I type mine. I don't want to be unduly influenced. After I post my recaps I check out the ones on Vote for the Worst and Spasm's American Idol blog to see if I missed anything or see if they agree with my fearless predictions, plus they are entertaining reads in their own right. I think I agree with them about half the time, but that is one thing I don't keep score on.

Why are you so cynical?
Believe it or not I try not to be, at least with the contestants. If a performer does well I try and point that out. I figure that it takes some guts and ability to get on that stage every week, much more than I have, so I try to be fair to them. Everyone else, though, is open season, otherwise I wouldn't watch the show.

Are you and Cheyennis Doom dating?
I wish :) Anyone who looks as good as she does and can be such a good sport while peons like me make fun of her is definitely date worthy material, but I would bet that she probably has a boyfriend and I'm pretty sure that she lives somewhere far away from where I do, so as the Magic 8 Ball says the prospects don't look good.

How long are you going to do these recaps?
Probably as long as American Idol is on the air, though if Paula leaves after this season (and her contract is up for renewal) I may reconsider that.

Walking The Line

Welcome to Grand Ole Opry night, or as they called in back in the good old days, Country Night. It is the annual round when we get to see who is a little bit country and who is willing to pretend to be a little bit country to win over the significant country voting contingent. In the past it has also given us a glimpse of which artists actually have a chance for a moderately successful post-Idol singing career that does not involve an off-Broadway production. Idol voters love to get them some country, just ask Kellie Pickler. This year there is an interesting twist in that there are no obvious country singers left in the competition, so there is no one who on the surface has a clear cut advantage here. There are a few folks who could theoretically fill that role, but there are also plenty of singers that I could never imagine singing with a twang. How these folks will survive tonight is going to be interesting to see. Hopefully entertaining as well.

Trained Seal opens the show by trumpeting the odds the remaining contestants overcame to reach the finals (100,000 to 1 for those of you scoring at home) in his usual overdramatic fashion. After the opening credits the baritone studio announcer is back to introduce the judges and Ryan. Captain Jack comes out looking like he just walked off the job site, whereas Trained Seal returns with another fancy suit. It is a one piece this time though. I guess the three piece suit he wore last week is the only one in his closet and he has to save it for the finale. Ryan wishes everyone a happy Saint Patrick’s Day and Ricky Minor and the band start into of goofy Irish jig while visions of shamrocks float around the tron behind the stage. As someone with Irish blood in his veins this kind of offends me. Then Trained Seal makes a drinking reference and now I really am offended.

Sexual Chocolate talks about how tough country week usually is. For the contestants, not us. Kara says nothing of particular note. Paula is standing by her bold visions of the future from last week, though with a bit of hesitation in her voice. The audience cheers her anyway. Ryan reminds Captain Jack how much he hates country music, which of course Simon denies. As the contestants come out en masse we see that Randy Travis is in the house. We soon see why as Randy is featured in the intro video inviting former Idol winner Carrie Underwood to join the Opry. Then we find out that Randy is this week’s tor-mentor and I’m thinking that business is about to pick up. Oh how I love the tor-mentors. Randy is a nice guy, though, so it may be hard for me to be hard on him. Randy admits that he has been watching the show for years and now I don’t feel so bad being hard on him.

Michael Sarver – “Ain't Going Down Until the Sun Comes Up” (I think) by Garth Brooks: Now if there is anyone in this year’s field who I could picture singing a country song it is the Blue Collar Man. When Michael is rehearsing his song Randy looks like he just ate a bunch of lemons. Randy advises Michael not to lose the lyrics in the midst of his lickin’, or something like that. Randy’s accent is bit tough for me to decipher. I now realize that I will need to refer to him as Randy T to distinguish him from Sexual Chocolate or I will be up all night counting the shots. Michael is taking on a song with a lot of words that he says so fast that I can’t catch the song name. So far he seems to be catching them all but he is running out of breath at mid-lyric a few times. The harmonica player sharing the stage with Michael is working as hard as he is. So are the back-up singers. He appears relived at the end to have gotten through this verbal exercise. It did not blow me away but I will give him credit for getting all the words in, more or less in tune. Randy thought it was a cool song choice but didn't think it brought out all of Michael’s vocal capabilities, assuming he has some. The audience boos Randy for what I thought was a dead on comment and both Drunk Chick and Captain Jack have some sh** eating grins on their faces. Kara liked the personality but missed the big notes. She is also amazed that Michael remembered all of the words. Michael addresses the negative comments by claiming that country music is not about singing well but is instead all about “having some fun.” The crowd loves this comment because unlike the judges they know what is important in a singing competition. Horny Chick concludes her comments by claiming that she knows Michael stayed up all night for several nights this past week, implying that it was to learn the song lyrics but we all know better, don’t we? Paula was happy to have fun and gave props to the harmonica player. And thank you Paula for telling me who originally sang this song since Trained Seal neglected to do that. Simon could not understand a single word and thinks Michael could be singing in Norwegian. This is the second week in a row that Norway has come up during one of Captain Jack’s critiques. If he keeps this up I may need to give him a new nickname. After all, it was this type of behavior last season that earned him the nickname he has now. Simon also thought it came over as a bit clumsy and utters the magic K-word. Props though for Michael’s come back: “if we were all perfect we wouldn't need this show.” Drunk Chick leads the audience’s cheers to that remark, which alone might keep him on the show for another week. Trained Seal wants to know if Simon liked the performance or not, and Captain Jack gives it a 1.2 out of 10. Michael was glad that it was not a zero. He clearly is a glass half-full guy.

Did I just spend 15 minutes writing about Michael Sarver? I did not see that coming.

During the break there is a Ford Focus commercial featuring the lovely Cheyennis Doom, though I don’t think it is the new one. You know, she has got me thinking about actually buying one of those cars. I could use a new car since my truck has 90,000+ miles on it and sucks up gas like Beano. After that and a Hell’s Kitchen promo showing Chef Ramsey tossing someone off the show during dinner service instead of after, Ryan pimps the iTunes from the stairs leading up to the band box.

Allison Iraheta – “Blame it on the Heart” by Patti Loveless: Thankfully I can understand Allison when she tells me what song she is going to sing. Randy T is convinced that Patti will love Allison stealing her song and brings up the age thing before the other Randy does. He then recommends that Allison not do the little dance she demonstrate to Randy T during the song, even though this approach seems to be working for Megan Corkrey. Allison is actually able to insert a bit of twang into her rocker girl voice. Not even Chris Daughtry was able to do that. This girl impresses me more and more every week. Like Captain Jack I am not a big country music fan but Allison’s performance was actually nice to listen to. I still cannot predict who will win this competition but I think I now know who I will be rooting for. Kara thinks that Allison can sing the alphabet and is getting more and more impressed too. Damn, I actually agree with Horny Chick, almost as unbelievable as spending 15 minutes writing about Michael Sarver. Drunk Chick lauds Allison’s rock edge, encourages her to experiment with her vocals, and to choose songs that make her sound more vulnerable. Yeah, that makes no sense to me either. Paula is in fine form and it is only 20 minutes after 8. Captain Jack challenges Drunk Chick to explain what she meant by her comment, and Paula only says that Allison knows what she meant by that. Judging from the look on Allison’s face I suspect that she doesn't in fact know what Paula meant by that. I would guess Drunk Chick doesn't know either. Simon thought it was good but a little bit tuneless in parts, and I am struggling to figure out what Captain Jack meant by that. Simon also thought Allison was struggling to remember the words, but in a nice way such that the audience is not booing him. The crowd finally turns on Simon when he also says that he thought Allison was a little bit precocious too, even though Captain Jack claims that precocious is good. Sexual Chocolate kept it short and sweet, saying it was “the dope.” Odd choice of words but at least I understand what he means. Trained Seal follows up on Simon’s lyric comment and Allison again claims that she was not struggling with the words at all.

Kris Allen – “To Make You Feel My Love” by Garth Brooks: Why is it so hard for these guys to clearly enunciate the titles to Garth Brooks’ songs? Not everybody knows the Garth catalog from memory, you know. Randy T thinks that Garth would be proud of Kris’s rendition, though perhaps Garth would have been happier if Kris had more clearly said which song he was going to sing. Kris comes out naked (as Horny Chick would say) without his guitar. He is singing it as a very slow ballad with a lot of emotion. I am not sure if the emotion is real or not but if it is not he is faking it well. His facial expressions are a bit odd though, I suspect he did not rehearse in front of a mirror. He ends with a nice little falsetto. It was alright, from a singing standpoint alone it was very good and that does not always happen on country night. Indeed it did not sound like a country song at all. Drunk Chick is surprised to the point that she is almost speechless, almost. She loves the vulnerability in Kris’s voice but then claims that he missed a few notes. Well, isn't that how one shows their vulnerability? Simon thought it was terrific and Kris almost collapses on the stage. It is not often that Captain Jack is more positive than Drunk Chick. He even goes so far to say that Kris has a chance to go far in the competition. Randy applauded Kris for taking a chance by showing his “tender dawg” side. Thanks Randy, I know have a better nickname for Kris. Kara didn't think she was listening to a country song and again I am amazed that I agree with Horny Chick. Drunk Chick pushes the vulnerability again while Trained Seal gives out the phone number.

Lil Rounds – “Independence Day” by Martina McBride: It is Coca-Cola treatment time with Lil Rounds. Trained Seal asks Lil how much time she spends with the other contestants and Lil talks about sharing the kitchen and the hot tub back at the Idol mansion. Her husband won’t be happy to hear that. Ryan then wonders out loud how Lil feels about singing country, and Lil admits that she is a little nervous about it but promises to hold back the R&B and “honor the country”. I am actually familiar with this song and I can see an R&B diva like Lil singing it. I seem to remember that Jordin Sparks sang a Martina McBride song too, though not this one. Randy T hands out some technical advice to perhaps this season’s most technically sound singer and then brings up the licks again. Lil starts out a little shaky compared to her usual confident sound. She was not kidding during her Coca-Cola interview. Lil kicks the nervousness to the curb with the big chorus but she is still missing some notes. She ends it with a nice big note to get the crowd on their feet and like Michael appears visibly relieved to be through with this song though probably for different reasons. She was out of her element and it showed. Randy struggled with the slow parts and didn't feel comfortable with the performance. The audience boos him even though he was again right on the money. Lil’s father looks like he is ready to beat the crap out of Sexual Chocolate even though Big Sexy has about a 50 pound advantage on Lil Dad. Lil claims that she wanted to sing something else besides R&B and Randy is having none of it. Horny Chick criticizes the slow part too but loves how she stood her ground and sang the song she wanted to sing like an artist should. Time to bring up Captain Jack’s comment from last week: “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show.” I guess Horny Chick was not listening at the time. Neither was the audience who applauds Kara’s comment. Drunk Chick thought everything was spot on and then claims Lil’s struggles were because she repeated the first verse rather than singing the second one. Captain Jack mocks Paula’s comments as she continues to babble on about voices piercing through. Captain Jack insists on calling Lil “little”. He then reaches into his bag of analogy tricks and claims that Lil sounded like a wedding singer that was forced to sing a song that someone has requested that she didn't feel comfortable singing. Simon then wonders where the Mary J was in Lil’s voice, at which point both Lil and the two chick judges remind Captain Jack that it is country night and Mary J doesn't do country. Lil continues to defend her song choice while Simon wonders why she didn't pick a John Montgomery song instead. Drunk Chick suggests “Stand by Your Man” and Captain Jack dismisses it out of hand. Lil dismisses Simon’s criticism to Trained Seal and vows to sing R&B the rest of the season. Before reading the phone number Trained Seal tries to incite comments from Simon by claiming that Randy calls Simon “the little judge” behind his back. That is nothing compared to what Randy and Simon call Trained Seal behind his back.

It has taken me an hour and a half to recap the first 45 minutes of this show. I can tell that this is going to be a long night. Thanks to the DVR I can still carry on but it looks like tomorrow (probably today to you) will be a multiple cup of coffee day.

Adam Lambert – “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash: Here is another one who I wonder whether he will be able to sing a country song. Will he try what Lil did and honor the country or will he change out the country like Kris did. Adam gets the Coca-Cola treatment too. I cannot recall if Trained Seal has ever done these back to back in the finals before. Adam vows that unlike Lil he is not going to hold back, in effect giving the country the middle finger. Trained Seal promises fireworks between Randy T and Broadway Boy. Randy T is scared to learn that Adam found a Middle Eastern version of the song instead of the version in the Johnny Cash biopic. “I don’t know what to say about this boy,” Randy T tells us. This looks promising already. Randy T is struggling to avoid screaming at Adam for daring to bastardize a Johnny Cash song. Adam brings it out slowly and turns it into a Marilyn Manson song or something that I cannot quite put my finger on. It is way over the top and he is not even to the screaming part yet. Adam eventually gets to the shouting part and decides not to sing any more of the lyrics and just scream a few notes to end the song. I am like Randy T; I don’t know what to say about this boy either. He certainly made this song his own and I imagine some people will love him for that, certainly many in the audience do, but to me it was a train wreck. It is not as if I am bothered that he modified a Johnny Cash song. Chris Daughtry did that with “Walk the Line” during his country week and was the star of the night. It was the way Adam did it that has me shaking my head as I type this. Drunk Chick breaks out the seal clap, so I guess she loves it too. No surprise there. Horny Chick does not know what to make of this boy either, though she was turned on by the drama and the look in Adam’s eyes. It was strange but she kind of liked it, code words for “it sucked but I still want to sleep with you.” Paula is amazed that Adam stayed true to who he was as an artist and gets praise from the audience for comparing the song to Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.” Now that is a week I would love Idol to try, songs from Led Zeppelin. I might have to have some alcoholic beverages handy to handle that. Simon wonders “what the hell was that?” and thinks there are people, especially in Nashville, who are throwing their TVs out the window after Adam’s performance. He then calls it “indulgent rubbish” and Randy T is starting to cry. Randy J ends my struggle to characterize the arrangement by claiming that if Nine Inch Nails did a country song it would sound like that. Sexual Chocolate then calls it “fresh,” “hot,” “current,” and “young” and I wonder what happened to the sane judge. Trained Seal brings up Taylor Hicks for some odd reason and then asks Randy T what he thinks of Adam’s performance. Randy T is still speechless.

Trained Seal tries to do Scott’s intro from the mosh pit (his words not mine) but is cut off mid-sentence by the producers before he can get an iTunes plug in.

Scott McIntyre – “Wild Angels” by Martina McBride: Randy T was not pleased by the song choice and thinks there is something not quite right with the way Scott was singing the song. I guess Scott did something to ease Randy T’s mind because he claimed he was impressed with Scott at the end of the video. Maybe it is those special powers of his. Scott is back behind the keys again and again starts out very pitchy. He adds a new twist by getting ahead of himself before the chorus. The flashback to last week continues when he loses the pitchiness during the shouting chorus, though he does throw in a few off key notes just to keep me awake. The song ends on a typical loud note and I doubt any of the judges will say anything about the pitchiness. It is those special powers again. Drunk Chick thinks that Scott works harder than anyone else in the competition, code words for “I am amazed that a blind guy can sing and play the piano at the same time.” She then gets a serious look on her face and tells Scott that he needs to get closer to the audience by stepping away from the piano that has become a crutch for him. Now that is a harsh thing to say to a blind man. Scott is not offended though, offering instead to move the piano closer to the audience. Captain Jack, on the other hand, thinks it is a stupid thing to say. Makes sense considering throughout the auditions and Hollywood Week all of the judges kept saying how much they were looking forward to Scott’s piano playing. Drunk Chick thinks Captain Jack is being disrespectful to her while Captain Jack thinks Drunk Chick is being disrespectful to Scott. The two of them go on for about 5 minutes bickering about whether or not it is OK for Scott to sing with the piano, name dropping Billy Joel and Stevie Wonder in the process. I am surprised Ray Charles’ name did not come up, or perhaps it did and I missed it through all of the babbling. Simon repeats my point up above, that it was a carbon copy of his performance last week and that Scott is not making good song choices. Scott breaks kayfabe by revealing that he has “lost a lot of hat picks”, I assume meaning that someone else has been singing his first song choices. I am curious to know who has been stealing Scott’s songs. He still claims that he liked this song choice. Drunk Chick thought Simon’s critique was disrespectful, though I wonder about the sincerity of that comment when she says it with a sh** eating grin on her face. Drunk Chick wants to continue arguing with Simon but gets cut off by the impatient Sexual Chocolate. Randy J was OK with the song choice but didn’t think Scott sang like Randy thinks he can, either this week or last. Sexual Chocolate then claims that he wants to hear the stand-out vocals “because this is a singing competition.” That’s one. Let’s see how many times Sexual Chocolate makes that claim this season in comparison to how many times he name drops Mariah Carey. Kara attempts to sum up everyone’s comments by urging Scott to up his game. Fair enough, until Horny Chick then praises Scott for his on-stage poise and class. Come on, he is only blind; he is not 16 years old. Trained Seal then asks Scott to elaborate on how hard he works in between shows, and apparently Scott spends all of his down time either sleeping or thinking about how to wow America with his arrangements. He then promises Drunk Chick that at some point he will perform without the piano, but not anytime soon. Paula is pleased even though Scott more or less dissed her. The judges then speculate what Scott will do if there is an Elton John week, or a Billy Joel week, or a Bruce Hornsby week, or a Ray Charles week, the last two name drops courtesy of Sexual Chocolate.

Alexis Grace – “Jolene” by Dolly Parton: Trained Seal teases Alexis’ appearance by claiming that she looks like Dolly Parton, and now that he mentions it she does kind of look like Dolly, albeit a much younger version. I don’t think Dolly ever had pink highlights in her hair or wore leather pants on stage though. Trained Seal tries to get Alexis to comment on the tenseness of tonight’s show during the Coca-Cola interview but Dirty Girl claims everything is cool, at least back stage. She did not hear the Captain Jack-Drunk Chick fight but now looks nervous after Trained Seal asked her if she nervous about following it. Randy T is impressed with Alexis and can offer no negative comments. Like Allison she is managing to introduce a little bit of twang into her rocker chick voice, kind of like Dolly Parton. This is much different than the way that Brooke White sang this song last year during Dolly Parton week. The arrangement did not excite me but it was a very strong vocal performance. Much more controlled than last week’s shout-fest. Randy claims that there were too many pitch problems and questions Alexis’ decision to introduce a bluesiness sound to the vocal. Strangely the crowd is silent. Horny Chick is back on the dirty girl thing again. She thinks Alexis lost her edge and wanted her to sing something like “Before He Cheats” or something hornier. Kara wants to see more angst and I am ready to throw the TV out of the window. Alexis has no chance to win this competition if she keeps pretending to be a rocker chick, and I fear that she will go back to that because this is what Horny Chick wants her to do. Paula doesn’t care about the pitch problems and actually tells Alexis that she is glad that she ignored Horny Chick’s advice, and I am stunned to type that. Simon thought the vocals were OK but that it sounded like a “sound-alike” and Alexis immediately questions what “sound-alike” means. It is essentially a nice way of saying the K-word but Captain Jack has his delicate shoes on and avoids using that word. Like many contestants Alexis responds to the judges’ criticisms by claiming that she had fun, but it did not sound all that sincere to me. Alexis then tells Ryan that the only thing she would have changed from her performance was to “put a little bit more dirty in there” with encouragement of course from Horny Chick, and then promises she will bring the dirty back next week. Well, Alexis, you’re on your own now, there is nothing more I can do to help you. Hope you enjoy that 7th place finish you just doomed yourself to.

Danny Gokey – “Jesus, Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood: Danny was nervous singing in front of Randy T. It is never a good sign when someone is nervous singing before the tor-mentor or when they try to sing a song by a former Idol winner, especially when Carrie herself debuted the song on the show a couple of years back. Randy T wishes he had Danny’s soulfulness but wonders as I do how he will do singing this song in front of a big audience. Danny starts out shakier than he usually does, racing through some of the lyrics. The audience tries to encourage him by clapping along. The chorus sounds better but I think he missed a couple of the words. Danny finished the song with stronger vocals but I fear he fell into the trap most contestants who try a song by a former Idol winner do, it paled in comparison to the original version. It is fair to say that it is not his best performance. The audience gives him an extended round of applause that interrupts Horny Chick’s comments, so she decides to join them rather than fight them. She eventually points out that she too thought the first half of the song was weak but that she felt Danny come out of his shell in the second half. “It is a connection unlike anything” she says. Insert your own sex reference here because it is past midnight when I am typing this and I am too tired to think of one. Drunk Chick has suddenly developed a stutter as she attempts to talk about how Danny built a story with his singing. She then claims that Carrie Underwood would not only approve but that she would go out and buy a record of Danny’s performance. Uhh, no. Carrie is sweet and all but not that sweet. Simon agrees with Paula and the audience cheers before he can get another word in. He is happy that Danny did not scream the song from the beginning, which Horny Chick interprets as a backhanded insult of her rather than an insult of every other contestant on the show. It now seems that Captain Jack strives to find something about Danny to whine about just for the sake of saying something critical; last week it was the dancing and this week it is Danny’s “polar” jacket. Sexual Chocolate thinks Danny did not support the verses enough but felt he blew away the chorus. Danny agrees with Randy and Kara and I hope his modesty does not lead him down the same path that Alexis insists on taking.

Anoop Desai – “You’re Always on My Mind” by Willie Nelson: Hopefully Anoop absorbed enough country from his upbringing in North Carolina to bring some twang to the table or else he is doomed to go home. Anoop announces that he is following Captain Jack’s advice and is changing his vocal style tonight, a promise that Randy T seconds. For his sake I hope so. He certainly starts the song different from his usual ‘tude filled style. He is staying in fine voice and even stays away from shouting until the customary big note near the end. I will say this; it is his best performance to date by a mile. Whether or not it is enough to keep him on the show I don’t know. He made that song his own, which even Randy T admitted is hard to do with a Willie Nelson song. Paula is ecstatic that the Anoop is back and praises his tender vocals. Simon declares that Anoop went from zero to hero and it was one of the best performances of the night. Captain Jack even took back his comment from last week that Anoop did not belong on the show. Sexual Chocolate thought that the arrangement was dope and was glad that “Anoop Dawg” didn’t jump around this time. Kara is surprised that he was able to ace an “untouchable” song. Trained Seal asks Anoop if he was surprised by the positive comments and he puts his game face on and claims that he wasn’t, though his face betrays how he truly feels.

Megan Joy Corkrey – “I Go Walking after Midnight”: After Anoop stepped up his game the pressure is on the Great Hope of American Idol to do the same. Even Randy T knows it and his comment was taped a few days ago. Randy T is also afraid that Megan chose a song that has been done every possible way he can think of, though I must admit I have never heard of this song before tonight. Maybe Randy T gets out more than I do. Megan promises to put her own spin on the song, which I guess means we will likely hear a new animal sound at the end of the song and lots of tummy shimmying during it. Megan brings it out old school complete with the string guitar and an old-fashioned look. The shimmy is new school though. Her vocals are all over the place, very pitchy and at an odd pace. She even missed her shout note. About the only positive thing I can say is that she held back the animal noise this time. I think it is fair to say that she will be the Vote for the Worst selection again this week, which may be the only thing that saves her from elimination unless Captain Jack decides to use the judge lifeline. And let’s be honest, since the vote has to be unanimous it will be Simon who decides which contestant that “the judges” will save. Megan tries for the sympathy vote by coughing during Randy J’s critique. Sexual Chocolate anticipated a train wreck but thought instead that it really worked. Uhh, OK. I guess Mister Pitchy didn’t hear the hundred or so notes that she missed. Horny Chick applauds her for being serious because she had the courage to get on stage with the flu and still sing in front of thirty million people. Honestly, what was her alternative? There are no make-up days on American Idol. It’s go or go home. Drunk Chick reveals that Megan missed rehearsal because she was in the hospital and urges her to continue being sick because of how well she performed while feeling the urge to cough up a lung. Captain Jack thought Megan was better this week than she was last week and complements her looks, even though he thinks her formal outfit is hiding Megan’s quirkiness, the same quirkiness that Captain Jack trashed last week. Let’s face it, she got positive comments only because she was sick, and I can guarantee you that if she is voted off tomorrow that she will be saved by the judges.

Matt Giraud – “So Small” by Carrie Underwood: So we started with a run on Garth Brooks songs and end with a run of Carrie Underwood songs. Randy T thought it was an “interesting” song choice and was surprised by how Matt sang it. Matt too is behind the keyboards tonight so we will see if Drunk Chick urges him to abandon his crutch like she did to the blind guy. I still can’t hear the keys though. Randy T was right; Matt is putting a soulful spin on the song. He stays in control both during the slow part and even during the big note chorus. This was ten times better than Scott’s performance, but will the four stooges agree? Horny Chick starts with “there ain’t nothing small about you, that’s for sure.” Keep in mind that there are kids watching this, though perhaps they may not catch the inference there. Kara continues with the compliments with her eyes closed and then declares her love for Matt at the end. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner in the “who Horny Chick will sleep with” sweepstakes. Drunk Chick loves Matt’s authenticity and honesty even though it takes her three tries to say “authenticity”. It is that time of the show when the benefits of Paula’s beverage really kick in. Captain Jack mocks Paula’s heart-piercing comment but then declares that Matt out sang Danny tonight and then name drops Michael Blueblay. It was Sexual Chocolate’s favorite performance of the night and he not only concurs with Simon’s Blueblay reference but for good measure drops Justin Timberlake’s name again even though Matt sounded nothing like Justin Timberlake tonight.

The Final Score: 26 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 23 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, and it now appears that these two will fight it out for the most shots for the entire season; 18 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 14 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy; 13 shots at the other Randy the tor-mentor; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the Band; and 14 shots at the audience. 2 Chris Daughtry references, 4 direct references to other former Idol contestants, 18 references to other non-Idol performers (no wonder this took so long to write), 5 shouting contestants, 4 name drops, 2 foreign and 1 domestic country references, 1 city reference, 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 sh** eating grins, 2 dope performances, 2 iTunes pimps, 1 K-word utterance, at least 2 licks (admittedly I lost count), 1 almost kayfabe violation, 1 almost offensive holiday celebration, 1 tender dawg, and a can of Beano.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Matt Giraud took advantage of the closer spot and secured his spot next week. Allison Iraheta won me over and established herself as my personal favorite. Anoop Desai may have saved himself from elimination.

Idol Gives Back: Jasmine Murray was a no brainer. For the second time this season I forgot about Jorge Nunez and it came back to bite me in the ass and spoil my perfect record. I can take solace in the fact that there will not be a third time, though I am sure Jorge feels differently about that.

The Fearless Prediction: We will find out just how much America loves Adam Lambert because his performance tonight is going to put that love to the test. I suspect that Alexis Grace will find herself in the bottom three because of how much the judges panned her performance, leading her to stay with the dirty girl character until she get booted off in a couple of weeks. Despite the potential sympathy vote she may get for being sick, I predict that Megan Joy Corkrey will have the lowest votes tomorrow night and that she will receive the judge’s save and stay for another week.

It is 2:45 AM and I cannot believe it took me over 5 hours to write this. Hopefully you will also understand if I left behind a few spelling and grammatical errors and why I will likely be sleeping during the results show.

Crystal Ball

Last season when the Top 12 started I attempted to predict the order of elimination. I'll spare you the need to look in the archives and tell you that I was not even close. So this year I decided not to try that again, especially since there was only one round of voting in the semis and thus there was no clear pattern that I could hang my hat on, or hang myself with as the case may be. However, after the first round of eliminations I am ready to predict who I think will be in the Top 5. But first an explanation for my rationale.

Over the last 3 seasons (which I am using because I didn't bother to watch the show until Season 5) there are two things that appear to be the leading indicators of who will do well and who will be sent home. Singing talent is of course one of them. The other is what I would call comparison shopping. As I eluded to in my last Fearless Prediction, Idol voters tend to group similar contestants together and compare them to each other, and send home those that do not compare well with others in their group. Take Jennifer Hudson for example. You would think given the post-Idol accolades Jennifer has won that she was one of the top finishers in Season 3. In fact, she finished sixth that year, the same position as Sanjaya Malakar 3 season later even though no one would say (unless they are Howard Stern or high on drugs) that Sanjaya and Jennifer are equal talents. I beleive the reason Jennifer finished sixth is because she was one of three African-American girls still in the competition and the other three contestants all had something unique about them. You had one guy, one teenage girl, one Filipina from Hawaii, and three African-American girls: Jennifer, Oakland's LaToya London, and eventual winner Fantasia Barrino. Jennifer was not voted off because she was sixth best contestant, she was voted off because she was the third best African-American girl. A similar fate has befallen others through the years, including Chris Daughtry in Season 5, who was the third best white southern guy behind Elliott Yamin and eventual winner Taylor Hicks. So to succeed on Idol you either need to compare favorably to others in your group or have something unique.

Now that the prep is out of the way, I predict the following 5 contestants will make up this year's Top 5: Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta, Scott McIntyre, Lil Rounds, and Adam Lambert. I do not believe that Alexis White will make the Top 5 because she is the second best rocker girl behind Allison, and Allison also has an advantage being the only teenager and the only Hispanic left in the competition. So if Alexis wants to crack the Top 5 she better stop listening to Horny Chick Kara's advice and stop singing rock songs. I also do not believe that either Kris Allen or Matt Giraud will make the Top 5 because both of them share something in common with Scott McIntyre. Kris has the look that makes the tweener girls scream but so does Scott. Matt is a piano player but again so is Scott. Scott, though, by virtue of his blindness (though it is difficult to consider blindness to be a virtue) has something unique that the other two guys don't, and that is why I predict he will advance and Kris and Matt will not.

On the flip side Anoop Desai and Megan Corkrey have uniqueness but are bad singers in comparison to the others. Anoop is simply doomed and judging by his behavior on the results show last week (which I did in fact watch) he knows it. As for Megan, why Captain Jack Simon thinks Megan is the favorite to win Idol is a mystery to us all, unless there is something elicit going on that we don't know about...

The one wild card in this is Michael Sarver. He is unique in that he worked on an oil rig, and he is a decent singer though not the best in this year's competition. He is the one guy who could throw off my prediction, or could jump into the Top 5 should one of the favorites stumble. I think Michael, and not Allison, is this season's dark horse.

As for who will win, no way am I going to predict that now. I'm just going to sit back and watch the developments just like all of you, and of course make fun of them.

Whose Bad?

Yes, the Top 13. The Idol producers threw us a swerve last week and decided to have 13 contestants in the finals instead of the customary 12. Considering how difficult it usually is to get 12 singers on in 120 minutes I wonder if they will be able to get all 13 on without delaying your late local news. Somebody better make sure to stay on Drunk Chick to make sure she doesn't babble on past the allotted time.

I figured I would start early with my shots at Paula since I made so few of them last week compared to my usual effort.

As we enter tonight’s final group Danny Gokey is the favorite to win it all, judging by the buzz I have heard and the amount of Google searches that have brought many of you to this site. However, if the last 3 seasons are any indication being the favorite coming out of the semis does not guarantee a recording contract in May. Just ask Chris Daughtry, LaKesha Jones, and David Archuleta.

Trained Seal is sporting an actual suit tonight, complete with a tie. It even looks like he got a haircut. Rather than cutting the promo from his usual spot in the audience Ryan instead lurks above the stage with the band and over the contestants. Another new twist is a studio announcer who announces not only Ryan but also the judges, who sashay out from the stage to their seats accompanied by screams from the crowd. Apparently this was Captain Jack’s idea. Sexual Chocolate pumps up the intensity. Horny Chick says that the contestants have to be tougher now. Drunk Chick advises the contestants to consume the stage rather than let it consume them. Paula is sporting some very glittering eye shadow tonight, which promises lots of shots for me. Trained Seal makes a self-consumption crack at Simon and the audience screams. Captain Jack repeats Paula’s advice as if it was his own, and it takes a while for Drunk Chick to notice. Simon then breaks the bad news that 2 contestants will be voted off tomorrow.

Tonight’s theme is the music of Michael Jackson, who is still apparently strapped for cash that he has sold the rights to his songs to Idol. You would think after selling the rights to The Beatles songs to Idol last season that Wacko Jacko would have enough to pay the mortgage, but I guess not. Times are truly tough for us all.

Lil Rounds – “The Way You Make Me Feel”: In her video Lil touts the highlights of Memphis BBQ and music before her hubby brings up the tornado again. Interesting song choice for the designated diva. She is one of the few singers who can actually shout in tune and do so with some soul. She even pulls out a brief falsetto. That was pretty good, exceptional given that she was the first one out. Sexual Chocolate says “this is the way to kick off Season 8” for about the fifth time this season. He also admired the old school vibe Lil put into the song. Kara thinks the other contestants should be worried and wants to hear more of Lil on the radio. Drunk Chick admires the softness of Lil’s outfit and compares her singing to that of angels. Captain Jack thought it was a lazy song choice and gets booed. He then trashes Lil’s outfit and gets booed again. After Ryan challenges him on his clothing comment, Simon declares that he can straighten out Lil in 5 minutes. It may take him a little longer to straighten out Trained Seal though.

Scott McIntyre – “Keep the Faith”: Scott brings up the blindness again, and then his parents talk about how musically inclined Scott and his family are, though when they sang in the video it sounded very out of tune to me. As expected, Scott is at the piano for his song. He starts out slow, does a decent middle part, and then starts to get a bit pitchy and less controlled for the shouting part at the end. The audience of course loves the shouting, even from a blind guy. Horny Chick tries to quiet the crowd and expresses amazement that Scott was able to learn that song in only one week. I guess she is amazed that blind people can actually do things like learn how to play a song, even though Scott has been doing this his entire life. Kara also praises the hopeful message Scott expressed in the song. Paula calls out the composer who just happens to be in the audience. Simon hated the song because no one knows it, then after Scott claims he chose the song to be artistic Captain Jack unleashes the quote of the night: “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show.” Everyone gets all over Simon for that even though it is true. Drunk Chick then points out that Simon claimed that the song was “the…biggest…selling…record…in history…in Norway.” Captain Jack denies everything, including the existence of Norway. The deal for Randy is that the song was fine but the performance was too safe.

Danny Gokey – “PYT”: Interesting that they are trotting out the favorites now instead of at the end of the show. Danny and his father talked about how musical their family has always been. They are better in tune that the McIntyre’s. At least he didn't bring up his deceased wife again and I hope this is the last time I will need to also. Danny starts the song as a ballad with the back-up singers doing most of the singing, and then kicks it up a notch with a fist pump. Danny is in fine voice tonight and I am glad he chose something besides a ballad this time. He is clearly having a good time up there and as well he should. If Danny wasn't the favorite before he is now, especially with his Taylor Hicks-like dance moves. I guess if you are going to emulate someone's dance moves on Idol it might as well be a former Idol winner. Drunk Chick is starting to cry and says that she can see Danny singing with her eyes closed. She then uses her ESP powers and predicts that Danny will be in the finale, and after last season who am I to dispute Drunk Chick’s powers to see into the future. Simon actually thought the vocals were brilliant but hated the dancing. I guess he needed something to criticize. Danny admits that he is a bad dancer and Captain Jack advocates Paula’s services. Randy loved it all, even the dancing. Kara loves the joy in his performance.

Michael Sarver – “You Are Not Alone”: Michael returns to the oil rig site in his fancy shoes to the admiration of his old co-workers. Aren't there OSHA laws against that kind of thing? No music in Michael’s family apparently, but his mom talks up how tough Michael is because he was raised without a daddy. Funny how this sob story wasn't mentioned at his audition where we usually hear these kinds of things. Michael has the bad luck of following Danny’s hyper performance and makes it harder for himself by choosing a slow song. He starts out in tune but kind of flat. He picks it up a bit with the shouting part but I hear lots of breathing spots. He does manage to get out the last big note without a breath though. It was OK but not inspiring. Simon actually liked his performance, admiring him for his passion and effort. Randy was happy that he returned to the soulful vibe and declares him one of the best of the night. Apparently Horny Chick didn't think he could sing until now and admires Michael’s game. Drunk Chick thinks the song is “instinctual-ly perfect for you” and praises the colors that he added to the song. There Paula goes again with the colors, a frequent theme that she brought up last season. Trained Seal asks Michael if he prefers the Idol stage or the oil rig and Michael disses his old mates by saying that he prefers being on Idol and trashing his old co-worker's blue suits.

Jasmine Murray – “I’ll Be There”: After the last few performances I sense a train wreck coming for little Jasmine, who came this close to not making it into the Top 12, I mean 13. She gets the Cola-Cola interview treatment from Trained Seal, who asks her about her experience with the Idol glam squad. Trained Seal is envious that Jasmine gets to keep the make-up and clothes that the squad bought for her. The Murray family, featured in the auditions, is back, though mom doesn't bring up how Jasmine almost killed her at birth like she did back on the audition show. Jasmine is the first to take on a Jackson 5 song instead of one of Wacko Jacko’s solo numbers. This may be tough since Michael was in much higher voice back then and had his 4 brothers to back him up. Jasmine starts out pitchy in the slow spots, then shouts well, then gets pitchy with the slow spots, and then, well, you get the idea. She belts out a big note at the end to get the crowd excited. Sexual Chocolate name drops Mariah for the first time in the finals. I think the over/under on that this year is 5. He thought it was pretty good compared to Michael and Mariah. Kara gets all technical by saying that it would have sounded better if Jasmine had sang it a half-a-key lower. She then admires Jasmine’s stage presence, because after all Jasmine is only 17 and 17-year olds are not supposed to be able to do that. Drunk Chick also admires Jasmine’s composure and how she acts on stage as “if she had been there her whole life.” Since she is 17 I would guess that Jasmine has been on stage her whole life, but I am being picky. Then Paula gets critical and says that she was too under pitch during the chorus. No reaction from the audience. Simon thought Jasmine was a little bit robotic and strangely the audience remains silent. I’m worried now for little Jasmine; whenever Paula gets technical and Simon says something critical without getting booed you know you are in trouble.

Kris Allen – “Remember the Time”: Kris is from a small town in Arkansas and his dad claims that music is in his family too. His has only been married for 5 months and his wife seems remarkably OK with him being out of the house so much. Kris brings out his guitar that is quickly drowned out by Ricky Minor and the band. Is it even plugged in? He is in tune but it is flat, kind of like a performance one would hear on a cruise ship. I have never been on one but if I were I would imagine it would sound like this. He gets pitchy when reaching for the high notes at the end. All in all it was OK but pales in comparison to the others tonight. Horny Chick points out that all of the girls love him with a bit of jealousy in her voice. She is also happy to see him there with his guitar even though I wonder how she even heard it. Perhaps Kara's imagination is more active than we have been led to beleive. Kara notes that Kris was nice enough to help out the other contestants this week even though she doesn't explain how, and then challenges Captain Jack to question why he did that. But first we have to hear from Drunk Chick. Paula claims to know why Kris helped the other contestants but then gets distracted by Captain Jack pulling on a string hanging down from her dress. Finally Paula suggests that Kris knows more of Wacko Jacko’s catalog than anyone else and then claims that Kris is adorable and sexy. Horny Chick thinks Paula is embarrassed to say that Kris is sexy and declares “there’s nothing wrong with sexy!” Thank you Kara, I was wondering if you were going to say something like that. Drunk Chick also gets personal and reveals that she can’t say that to someone from “over the pond.” Somewhere Hugh Grant and every other Englishman who considers himself sexy must be saying “what?” Captain Jack doesn't know what Paula is talking about either. Simon thought the performance was a bit clumsy since he could not hear the guitar and then questions why Kris introduced his wife earlier, suggesting that it may jeopardize his chance of getting the chick vote. Sexual Chocolate thought it was all cool and named dropped Jason Irazi, though if Randy drops a name that I have never heard of does that count? Trained Seal questions why the single Captain Jack is giving out relationship advice.

Allison Iraheta – “Give It to Me”: Allison’s parents are from El Salvador and we see Allison at age 5 or 6 singing before a crowd. She also spends her weekends singing at a Latin themed mall. Allison comes out with a dirty girl look complete with a leather jacket and lots of metal. In a way it matches her voice. Allison is putting such a tough chick spin on this song that it is tough to picture Michael Jackson singing it, and this is his own song. Well, perhaps not any more it’s not. She sounds like 16 going on 30 and just put Jasmine’s teenage stage presence to shame. Not at all what I expected. Drunk Chick asks for Allison’s ID and says that she sounds like she has been singing since she was 2, which Simon points out is true based on her video. Simon loves that Allison knows who she is and thought it was a good performance. Her mom is crying since Captain Jack didn't say anything critical. Randy declares that Allison is born with “it” and declares her as one to watch yet again. Horny Chick encourages Allison to squeeze into the rocker girl pigeon hole; too bad Allison is young enough to actually put some credence to Kara’s bad advice.

Anoop Desai – “Beat It”: Anoop gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal as well. Ryan relives the shocking moment from the wild card show when Simon surprised everybody by declaring that Anoop was contestant number 13. Anoop’s mom says that Anoop was spoiled, though he of course doesn't think he was. There was music in his family too, though unlike any of the other contestants there was an Indian flavor to it. I was wondering if anyone was going to try this song, though given his enthusiastic performance of “My Prerogative” not once but twice I guess he has as good a chance as anyone to pull this off. The band starts off in a different key to increase the challenge. Anoop starts with the shouting right from the start and sings it like he is ready to beat up someone. At least he has the right ‘tude for this song. I admire his enthusiasm but I am not impressed by the singing. Drunk Chick and Captain Jack debate who should comment first even though it is Simon’s turn at the wheel. Drunk Chick was not prepared for this and told Anoop that he should not have chosen that song. She even uses the K-word and, perhaps more surprisingly, gets booed for doing so. Captain Jack of course goes further than that and so does the audience. He even goes to the point of calling Anoop’s performance “stupid.” He pops out the K-word as does Randy. Sexual Chocolate also thought he held too much back. Anoop declares that he will show us what he has next week if he makes it and of course the audience eats that up. Horny Chick was disappointed that she didn't hear any riffs and felt disconnected from Anoop. No, I’m not going to go there, kids may be reading this. Anoop starts to defend himself but the music cuts him off mid-sentence. Trained Seal gives him a chance to say his peace. Ryan then asks Captain Jack if he regrets creating an extra spot for Anoop and Simon says, to little surprise, that based on this performance he was. The audience boos him yet again and Trained Seal gives him the evil eye. Anoop just wanted to please the audience.

Jorge Nunez – “Never Can Say Goodbye”: Here is the guy whose accent spoiled my perfect record in the semis. But I will forgive him if he gives me something to write about here. Before his performance Trained Seal talks to his own mother and grandmother, who has the hots for Sexual Chocolate. Can you say Grandpa Randy, Ryan? No singers in Jorge’s family but there is lots and lots of dancing. Right away I question the song choice, as Jorge has a much lighter voice than the 8 year old Michael Jackson. For someone who wears his emotions on his sleeves his performance is quite restrained. It is pitchy in spots too. Sexual Chocolate declares his mad love for Jorge but trashes the song choice. Horny Chick couldn't feel the emotion and thinks it might because he sang the song in English instead of Spanish. She would have rather heard him sing a sad song. Well it was sad in a way, but not in a good way. Drunk Chick raises Randy’s mad love but she too was emotionally disconnected from the performance. When Paula asks Jorge why he chose the song he responds as if he had not been paying attention. He eventually responds by almost breaking kayfabe, almost claiming that he didn't choose the song. Jorge smartly saves it by saying that he thought the song fit his voice better than “Bad” by Michael Jackson, as opposed to “Bad” by anybody else. Captain Jack takes the bait and says that he did choose bad. He then tells Jorge that his performance was corny and “out of your deck.” That must to be one of them over the pond phrases. Through all this Drunk Chick repeatedly declares that Jorge deserves to stay in the competition, which leads the other 11, I mean 12 contestants to wonder who Paula thinks does not deserve to stay.

Megan Corkrey – “Rockin’ Robin”: Megan is sporting a red and white teddy-looking dress that fits in well with her Coca-Cola treatment. Trained Seal wonders why Megan is in the competition, and she nervously responds that her family pushed her to do it. Both her and her mom talk about how she loves being on stage even though she told Ryan that she had never performed on stage before. Now this is an odd song choice; I would like to know why she chose this one. Megan is more restrained with the tummy shimmy this week but it seems to be affecting her singing, which sounds very strained even for a song as simple as this one. I would characterize this performance as sloppy. The crow caws at the end didn't help. Didn't she do something goofy at the end of her last performance too? Horny Chick thought the performance was very stylish, code words for “you really sucked but the producers want you to go far so I have to say something positive.” I remember the judges said much the same thing about Sanjaya Malakar. Drunk Chick liked the quirkiness, praised the song choice, but still feels disconnected. She thinks we will see more of Megan even though it would be hard to argue that anyone else has done worse tonight than Megan just did. Captain Jack thought the song choice was stupid, the vocals were not very good, the dancing was verging on ridiculous, and that the whole performance was just clumsy and awkward. Those were the first negative words Captain Jack has said about Megan thus far and all she did was laugh. Simon suggested that Megan was the “great hope of American Idol” up until now and I wonder if Horny Chick is not the only judge dreaming about sleeping with the contestants. The other judges claim that Megan is memorable. I couldn't hear Randy’s comment because someone in the audience shouted something that got the tweeners screaming, and this time it wasn't Drunk Chick. Simon asks Chef Ramsey, in attendance this evening, for his opinion and no one heard what he said because the mic guy was napping. Simon, though, didn't think Chef knew was he was talking about anyway. Trained Seal asks Megan if she can make any sense of what the judges said and she replies “sure”, though you know her heart wasn't in it.

Adam Lambert – “Black and White”: Broadway Boy details his struggles in the entertainment business and how it has toughened him up. Unlike the last few performances tonight it sounds like Adam chose a song that fits well with his style of singing. After a decent rendition of the verse he goes into a shout fest with the bridge and then carries it through to the finish. I’m not sure how good of a singer he is but Adam is by far the best screamer in the competition. Pretty good performer too, so me thinks he will go far. Drunk Chick thinks Adam is the most seasoned performer in the history of the show and almost has a nervous breakdown while she says this. She even has Adam in tears as she predicts that he will be in the finale too. So now that Drunk Chick has already declared who the final two will be I guess I can take the next two months off. See ya in May! While Adam managed to keep a straight face during Paula’s praise he breaks down when Simon declares that his performance was in a “totally different league from everything else tonight.” Drunk Chick can’t believe it either. Sexual Chocolate thinks he can make a record right now, and I’m wondering if he ever said the same thing about Taylor Hicks, who also couldn’t sing a lick but was one heck of a performer, which is why Taylor won but can’t keep a record deal. Kara discovered a few notes that she never heard before and hoped Wacko Jacko was watching so that he could pick up some pointers.

The Osbornes are back for a new variety show and now I know where the producers of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire ended up. Dear God. I mean, Ozzy is cool and I love his phone and Warcraft commercials, but this is just ridiculous.

Matt Giraud – “Human Nature”: There was no music in Matt’s family but they still manage to have lots of fun. It took two rewinds of the DVR to decipher the song name because a bunch of tweeners were screeching over Trained Seal’s intro. Not surprisingly, Piano Man comes out with a piano, but like Kris Allen’s guitar we can barely hear it. Tonight he has a smooth if unspectacular voice but with a decent falsetto. Sexual Chocolate drops both Robin Thicke and Justin Timberlake in record time. Horny Chick said nothing of note but did so with lust in her voice. Drunk Chick spits out a few complimentary words while looking at the table. Captain Jack thought it was a solid meat and potatoes performance. It is 9 minutes to 10 and the producers are clearly pushing the judges to be quick with their comments.

Alexis Grace – “Dirty Diana”: Apparently the glam squad doesn’t get paid overtime because Alexis is seen pimping herself before the break. Alexis talks about how she was influenced by the bluesy atmosphere of her hometown of Memphis. Her dad’s name, Randy Middleton, sounds familiar to me for some reason. He has been a musician for 35 years so I wonder if he was in a band that I know. Again Alexis’ young daughter is featured but still no sign of the boyfriend that Horny Chick wanted Alexis to have sex with after her audition. Alexis comes out with the full on dirty girl look with a short black leather dress and the bluesy voice. Before too long she gets into the shouting but at least she is putting some soul into it. Alexis has a good voice but I think she is overdoing it with the dirty girl stuff. If she can tone it down a bit without making it bland then we might have something here. Horny Chick is happy to see that the naughty girl monster that she created is back though I don’t remember her ever being here. Paula actually advises Alexis to watch her over-singing, and I am impressed that Drunk Chick had something cogent to say this late in the show. Simon thought it was over the top. Randy thought it was good and loved the attitude. Trained Seal cautions the voters to dial carefully since Alexis has a number ending in 36 instead of 13. I guess someone forgot to pay the bribe to AT&T. After that Trained Seal warns us that the judges have a special surprise rule change for tomorrow’s results show that involves them and will change the very nature of the show. Oh, please don’t make me watch the results show to find out. Maybe I’ll record it so I can fast forward through the group medley and Trained Seal's insufferable teases. After the final recap Ryan says goodnight 4 minutes after 10.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, back again on top; 19 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 13 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 9 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band; and 14 shots at the audience. 5 direct references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, 7 shouting contestants, 5 singing families, 4 name drops, 4 foreign country references, 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 life-long singers, 3 K-word utterances, 2 dirty girls, 2 visions of the future, 2 iTunes pimps from the band balcony, 1 almost kayfabe violation, 1 napping mic guy, 1 OSHA violation, 1 over the pond phrase, 1 almost nervous breakdown, and 4 minutes of overtime pay for the crew. Didn’t see the new Cheyennis Doom Ford commercial though, maybe it will be on the results show and give me a reason to stop the fast forwarding.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lil Rounds, Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta, and Adam Lambert were among the favorites going in and they all were the top stars tonight. I know I am only supposed to pick 3 but if the producers can have 13 people in the Top 12 then I can 4 people in the 3 Stars of the Night feature, at least this week.

Idol Gives Back: No need to fill you in on last week’s hijinks. I took care of that for you with my special recap of the wild card show.

The Fearless Prediction: The obvious place to look for the bottom 3 would be the 4 were selected by the judges and not by the producers, I mean viewers, especially since all the ones who were voted in the finals did pretty well tonight, or at least well enough to stay alive for another week. Among those 4 Matt Giraud was the only one who sang well enough to be safe. I predict that the other 3 wild cards, Jasmine Murray, Anoop Desai, and Megan Corkrey, are all in the danger zone and will comprise the bottom 3, assuming of course that the special surprise tomorrow is not that there will be a bottom 6 or something instead. The only thing keeping Megan on the show was Captain Jack’s hormones, but now that he has turned on her I suspect that Megan will be one of the two who will leave tomorrow. Since Idol voters tend to like comparing performers against like performers I predict that Jasmine Murray will be the other one to leave, since she was the second best teenager tonight and Anoop was the best singer of Indian descent. As for the secret surprise I predict that only one of the dismissals tonight will be from the viewer’s vote and that the 4 stooges at the judges desk will send off the other after being subjected to yet another lengthy pep talk from Drunk Chick.