The Story of Innovators

I'd like to start tonight's recap with this photo that I took outside of a small bar in a small L.A. suburb:

YO, Lazaro, take a long look because this is your future...

Meanwhile, the chick Lee beat out to win the Clive Davis recording contract, Crystal Bowersox, will be appearing on Broadway in a musical about Patsy Cline. There are a lot of former Idol contestants who are or who should be on Broadway but I never thought Crystal would be one of them. It could be worse I suppose; she could be touring suburban night clubs instead.

Tonight's theme was the music of Detroit, not just Motown but all music from Detroit artists. However, the only non-Motown songs sung tonight were Kree's version of an Aretha song and a Madonna duet by Kree and Janelle that Nigel forced them to sing. While I'm glad no one sang a Kid Rock song I am disappointed that no one tried to take on Ted Nugent. I'm also surprised that no one tried a Bob Segar ballad given how popular ballads are on this show.

Both chick judges came out in matching short red dresses, but oddly enough Trained Seal never mentioned it the entire night. He did frequently talk about Glitter Girl's magic wand, Jaws' perfume, and the dude judges' wardrobe choices.

Detroit native Smokey Robinson was this week's tor-mentor, the first one of the season. Normally I love to make fun of the tor-mentors but Smokey deserves more respect than that so I feel like I have to retrain myself. Maybe it's those mesmerizing hazel eyes that he has.

Candice Glover was given the death spot tonight since she's not one of Nigel's favorites. Smokey admitted that he was in tears when he watched her performance of "I, Who Have Nothing" two weeks ago. He also admitted that the song Candice sang, "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", was first sung by The Miracles, which I confirmed by looking up Wikipedia since I always thought that Gladys Knight and The Pips did it first. Candice sang the song with a bluesy arrangement with lots of facial expressions, perhaps in response to Jaws' comments last week. It was a nice change of pace and was her usual quality self, but no goosebumps this time. Mr. Kidman disagreed with me and thought it was Candice's best performance ever. Jaws was proud that Candice "kept her eyes alive." Sole Survivor dropped a YO and did 2 fist pumps instead of just 1 like he did last week. Glitter Girl mentioned that she's been trying to persuade Candice to sing a churchy jazz song eventually, though she did like this performance, I think. It was hard to tell from all the rambling. Trained Seal made Candice nervous by pointing out that she was nervous during the group intro because she was going first.

Tonight's show featured group numbers that Trained Seal claimed didn't count in the standings, though he didn't instruct the audience to disregard the performances when they power vote. The first group act was Kree and Janelle, who teamed up on both their Coca Cola Treatment and a disco country version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer." Janelle and Kree both claimed it was a dream come true for them to sing together but only Kree sounded like a dream. Janelle's performance was more like a nightmare, way out of tune. Both Jaws and Sole Survivor pointed this out and got booed. Not even Randy's 3 YOs could hold the crowd back from their anger. Glitter Girl claimed that she didn't have enough time to say everything she wanted to say and then rambled on for 10 minutes about the chicks' "sisterhood moment." She along with Mr. Kidman also caught Janelle picking up a lyric that Kree forgot. A little bit of foreshadowing that we will get to later.

Next up was Lazaro Argos, who Smokey advised to just be himself while he sang "For Once In My Life." He chose to sing the first half as a pitchy ballad and then the second half as an uptempo karaoke version; good thing too since I was about to fall asleep during the ballad. It was competent and better than last week but still not great. Sole Survivor uttered yet another YO  and pointed out the pitchiness and got booed again, but he was just keeping it real. Glitter Girl admired Lazaro's courage yet again. Mr. Kidman gave Smokey props for the advice. Jaws declared that she wanted Smokey to be her sugar daddy, then took credit that "Fonzie" (i.e. Lazaro) was no longer listening to Andy Cap.

Janelle Arthur was back to sing "You Keep Me Hangin' On" in an arrangement that she wrote herself when she was 14. Smokey advised her to rise while she sang. Ironically right after the last white guy left the show she broke out her guitar. The fog machine was broken out too. It was a decent performance; much better than the Madonna duet with Kree. She did frequently drop the last note from some of the lyrics like a lot of country singers do, which doesn't work quite as well with an R&B ballad. Glitter Girl thought it was "Janelle at her finest", not once but 3 times. Mr. Kidman thought the arrangement brought out the angst in Janelle's voice. Jaws got booed because she couldn't hear the angst and instead thought Janelle smiled too much. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and brought Janelle to tears by declaring that she was in it to win it. Trained Seal got Janelle to reveal that she was afraid to play her guitar in front of Keith.

Smokey got all excited when Devin Valez told him that he was singing "The Tracks of My Tears." Smokey talked about how he came up with the lyrics to that song and Devin pretended to be impressed, trying really hard to keep from yawning. Devin sported a bright red jacket that Smokey may have worn to his high school prom in 1958. Devin sang with a nice tone and pitch but fought the rhythm throughout the song. He did add a nice falsetto at the end though. Mr. Kidman loved Devin's style. Jaws compared Devin to a ripe banana and drew 2 YOs from Sole Survivor. Randy dropped another YO during his own critique and thought it was Devin's best performance in weeks. Glitter Girl kind of liked it (I think) but thought that Devin would have done better with another Smokey song, "Ooh Baby Baby". Smokey thought it was awesome.

Amber, Candice, and Angie sang The Supremes' "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me". During the group Coca Cola Treatment no one wanted to be Diana Ross and Candice admitted that she can't flirt as well as Angie. Nobody on this show can flirt as well as Angie; that's pretty much all she did during the song. Amber didn't flirt as much but rocked it with her glittery gold pumps. Glitter Girl did another of her "#pow" things.

Smokey thought Burnell Taylor's raspy voice was soulful and advised him to sing "My Cherie Amour" more intimately. Burnell looked sharp with his white suit and contact lenses and sang more in pitch this week compared to last, but I kept busting out laughing because he kept mispronouncing "cherie amour". It sounded like "chevree amorm" or something like that. Since he's from NOLA he should know how to pronounce French words, like "Orleans" for example. None of the judges seemed to notice; instead they heaped more praise on the dude. Jaws thought Burnell looked like a sexy doctor. Sole Survivor dropped yet another YO. Mr, Kidman name dropped Ron Burgandy for some odd reason but he still liked the performance.

Angie Miller came back with a different short dress to sing another Smokey song, "Shop Around". Smokey told Angie that he wrote the lyrics to that song in about 30 minutes. Angie told Andy Cap that she performed in a high school production of My Fair Lady after Jimmy told her not to sing the song as if she was in My Fair Lady. Angie wanted to show her fun and crazy side so she sang the song like a rock and roll song instead of a ballad. The judges were not pleased by this, even though it was more or less an OK vocal. Sole Survivor thought it was strange, pitchy, and in the wrong key and got booed even though he also dropped 3 YOs. Glitter Girl liked some moments but would have preferred that Angie sit at the piano and sing "I'll Be There" instead. She got booed too. Mr. Kidman felt for her because he thought the melody was keeping her down. Jaws complained that Angie showed a different side when she didn't need to do that. Angie told Trained Seal that she just wanted to have fun (standard Idol language whenever a contestant messes up but doesn't want to admit it) after Ryan asked for her plans "if" she will be back next week.

Like the judges Smokey was surprised that Amber Holcomb was in the Bottom 3 last week. You all need to read this blog where I clearly explained (for free) why she was. Like last week she picked an obscure song by one of my favorite artists, Stevie Wonder's "Lately". Like Angie she too changed from one short dress to another for her solo performance. Unlike Angie Amber sang a ballad with passion and style to go along with good tone and pitch. Best of the Night by someone who needed that big time. All 4 judges gave her an SO, the only one of the night. Glitter Girl declared it to be a "tour de force", asked everyone if they knew what "tour de force" means, and then got bleeped by the Fox censor by saying that it was "in-fu**ing-credible", as best as I could tell from reading her lips through the TV. Sole Survivor dropped 2 more YOs and kept saying "Oh my God" during the song.  Jaws pushed the light pink lipstick again.

The 3 remaining dudes tried the Four Tops' "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)" and it was a train wreck thanks to Lazaro, who completely forgot his lyrics after the first verse. He must have learned the words the night before again like he claimed he did last week. Devin ended up singing Lazaro's lyrics instead and then pointed at Lazaro after the song was over as if he was deliberately trying to sabotage the song and along with it any chance Devin has of staying on the show for another week. Burnell threw both dudes under the bus by telling Trained Seal that he did what he was supposed to do. Jaws ordered the dudes to leave the stage in shame.

This week's closer was last week's opener, Kree Harrison. She took on the Aretha song "Don't Play That Song" because she wanted to bring some attitude to the stage. Smokey claimed that Aretha lived around the corner from him in Detroit and was so amazed by Kree's rehearsal that he was going to call Aretha and tell her to watch the show. I guess we'll find out tomorrow if the Queen of Soul actually did. It was another solid performance, a nice R&B not-so country arrangement that Kree made her own, which is not easy to do with an Aretha song. Sole Survivor dropped his last 2 YOs of the night. Glitter Girl was interested to see how both Kree and the band would perform this song since she herself tried and failed to do this at the beginning of her recording career. Mr. Kidman thought Kree's performance reminded people of the soul in country. Jaws was impressed that Kree took on not one but two "queen" songs like a queen.

Trained Seal bid us all good night at 10:01.

Things Were Learned Tonight: The Idol reject appears on The Tonight Show the next night. Kate Moss is eating better, or at least eating. Ashley Judd was apparently contemplating running for the U.S. Senate. Not everyone from New Orleans knows how to pronounce French words. Smokey grew up around the corner from Aretha Franklin, is working on a duets album with former tor-mentor David Foster, was the first to record "I Heard It Through The Grapevine", and doesn't know how many hit songs he's associated with. Trained Seal is obsessed with Glitter Girl's magic wand and is no longer pimping the iTunes because Carson Daly is pimping them on The Voice instead. His dad's favorite song is "Sugar Pie Honey Bunch". Glitter Girl knows what "tour de force" means and like Jaws has a potty mouth too. Sole Survivor is just keeping it real. Jaws wants Smokey to be her sugar daddy. Andy Cap likes his singers restrained.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Amber was the best of the night and wore two different tight dresses to boot. Candice and Kree were their usual strong selves. Honorable mention to Devin for being the best of the boys and calling out Lazaro for blowing up their group number.

Idol Gives Back: Nigel's plan has come to fruition. With Paul sent back to Tennessee because he refused to pretend to play a guitar there will be no white guy American Idol this year. Instead it'll be a tone deaf, ambiguously gay, Cuban American with a speech impediment. I hope Nigel is happy cuz Fox sure as hell ain't, not with these ratings.

The judges and the tor-mentor were shocked, SHOCKED, that Amber was in the Bottom 3, but as you know I wasn't. I like Amber a lot, but unless something drastically changes she is doomed to battling against Janelle to be the first chick eliminated since Kree and Angie are being heavily pimped and Candice is too good a singer to be sent home now, despite Jaws' attempt to derail her.

Usually once a year I manage to predict the entire Bottom 3. This likely means that I'll be mediocre the rest of the season.

The Final Score:  3-1/2 ballads; 6 big notes; 6 short skirts: 2 judges & 2 contestants twice; 18 YOs by Sole Survivor, his high water mark of the season; 1 YO by me; only 1 name drop when Mr. Kidman mentioned Ron Burgundy; 5 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 1 mention of a former Idol contestant; 1 mention of another singing competition show host; 1 K-word mention; 2 Broadway show mentions; 1 more bleeped word uttered by a chick judge; 2 mispronounced French words; Sharks 4, Ducks 0; 1 train wreck; and no goosebumps this week.

The Fearless Prediction: Clearly all 5 chicks were better than all 3 dudes tonight, but I don't know if it's safe to predict that all 3 dudes will be in the Bottom 3 this week, not with those power texting tweeners and their cougar moms still lurking out there. I think there will be at least 1 chick in the cold stools just to make the judges mad again, either Janelle or Angie I suspect. The bettors choice would be Janelle but I'm going to pick Angie instead because I'm beginning to like Janelle and I know I will never like Angie. Not personally of course, just professionally.

The way the judges keep pimping Burnell I'd guess he's one of Nigel's favorites too, so I suspect it'll be Devin again in the Bottom 3 along with Lazaro. Yes, even though the tweeners still screech for him and the cougars still love his sob story Lazaro may be starting to lose his fan base because of how badly he's botching his songs and how much he making excuses for it, not to mention how much Trained Seal is making excuses for it. Still, I don't see him going home, not yet anyway. Instead I think will be Devin that will have the lowest vote total and will dare the judges to use their save on a dude instead of on a chick like Nigel wants them to. If this happens then I might actually watch The Tonight Show Friday night since I'll be interested to see how much Devin blames Lazaro for his ouster. I don't think they will be sharing dressing rooms on the summer tour.

The Moment You Think You're Mariah Carey, Then Everything Goes Down

My apologizes for being late yet again. I came in late last night and I was too tired to stay up until 3 AM to type up the write up so I'm taking this on tonight before fast forwarding through the results show that's about to air.

The theme was once again The Beatles, the annual Idol tradition for the benefit of Michael Jackson's estate, or whoever now owns the song rights to Beatles songs now that Mr. Jackson has passed on. Jaws was present in a short yellow dress and on time this week, perhaps surprising since she threatened to quite the show last week since Curtis got voted off and one of the other judges didn't want to use The Save on a dude.

Before there was singing there was some business to take care of. Trained Seal brought out Charlie Askew and Aubrey Cleland and announced that America had decided that Aubrey and her short, tight dresses would be joining the summer Idol tour and we had to say a final goodbye to poor Charlie, at least until the finale. Ryan also announced yet another Coca-Cola sponsored contest, this time involving tweener fave Carly Rae Jepsen, who will be performing in the finale with a song and special effects that you, yes you, can vote for on the Idol web site. Maybe you can vote for her to sing a duet with Charlie!

The first performer was Nigel fave Kree Harrison, who I'd guess was put in the death spot because Nigel thinks she'll be safe. We were reminded of her sob story about her parents dying when she was a teenager. She sang "With a Little Help from My Friends" in the Joe Cocker arrangement rather than the Ringo Starr one. Good thing too because as good as singer as Kree is she can't compete with Ringo. She was in fine voice again tonight; she actually managed to overcome another Idol tradition of being drowned out by the 8 backup singers lined up behind her. Mr. Kidman thought that Kree represented "all the cool things about country." Jaws admired the "Kreedom" spin Kree put on the vocal. Both Sole Survivor and Glitter Girl tried to scare everyone by starting their critique as if they would be critical only to instead be complimentary. Trained Seal admired Kree's pumps and thought that Mariah's acting was so good that should be in a movie (umm, she was, hence the nickname. C'mon Ryan, pay attention here).

We next met Burnell Taylor's big family in NOLA, who talked about how he used to pay his sister at 3 bucks a pop to record him singing. There was no mention of Katrina. He chose "Let It Be", which sounded like a great idea to Andy Cap until Burnell revealed that he had never heard the song before. This would turn out to be a common theme the rest of the night. The Urkel glasses were back as was the hand waiving; For me, I didn't like it. His pitch was all over the place and the big notes were more like big screeches. I will though give him props for remembering all the words of a song he had never heard until 4 days before he sang it. Jaws wanted to do the "church stomp" and loved how he caressed the song like a newborn baby. A crying newborn if you ask me. Sole Survivor dropped his first 2 YOs of the night. Mr. Kidman also got the spiritual vibe. Trained Seal got Burnell to admit that he listened to the song "a lot" so that he wouldn't embarrass himself on live TV.

Amber Holcomb told us that people in her tiny town in Texas walk around barefoot. Her dad was featured in the video and said that all he wanted Amber to do was win. Yeah, no pressure there. She sang "She's Leaving Home" and she too admitted that she had never heard the song before. At the time I didn't think I had ever heard it before either but then I checked my iTunes music library and there it was. It was in Sgt. Pepper. Amber's first verse sounded like she had never heard the song before, it was very shaky. The fog machine on overdrive probably didn't help her nerves, as she was probably afraid that she would walk into one of the violinists that were on stage with her. Amber was more sturdy when she got to the big notes. It wasn't one of her best performances but it wasn't a train wreck. Sole Survivor agreed with me after dropping 3 YOs. Glitter Girl admitted that she had never heard the song before either and thus claimed that she could relate to what Amber was going through. Mr. Kidman claimed it was his absolute favorite Beatles song, another thing that would become a common theme the rest of the night; Jaws drew snickers (not boos, snickers) from the crowd by asking Amber where the light color lipstick was. She also broke the first kayfabe bubble of the season when she advised Amber to "toughen up and get through it" when Nigel picks a song for her that she had never heard before.

Nigel added to Lazaro Arbos' sob story by interviewing Lazaro's parents who are Cuban refugees. He chose, or was told to chose, "My Life", and right away Andy Cap saw danger ahead. He urged Lazaro to be romantic with the song and pushed him to sing the song in rhythm, but was afraid to push too much for fear that Jaws would get mad at him for being too critical. Sure enough, Lazaro's performance was very unromantic and the rhythm was all over the place. Rather than caress it like a newborn baby he rushed through it like he was in a hurry to leave. He also sang it in some odd low register, which the judges all jumped on as an excuse for why he sang it so badly. Glitter Girl avoided saying anything critical and instead complimented Lazaro on his courage and perseverance again. Jaws was visibly upset and ordered Lazaro to stop listening to Jimmy. Sole Survivor wondered "where did the vocals go?" During his post-performance therapy session with Trained Seal Lazaro claimed that he had just learned the song "last night", even though Ryan had already revealed that the contestants were given the songs 4 days ago. After the break Trained Seal tried to exercise some damage control by getting all the judges to confirm that Andy Cap is very intimidating and that would explain why Lazaro sang so badly.

Candice Glover's dad's boss is excited to know the proud papa because his eldest daughter is on Idol. Both Candice and Andy Cap agreed that John Lennon's lyrics for "Come Together" are too esoteric and weird to understand. Candice rocked it out anyway. I have no idea if Candice had ever heard this song before but she sang it as if she did, with lots of rock and roll attitude. Another great performance, best of the night yet again. Mr. Kidman loved the new rock chick sound. Jaws tried really, really hard to say something critical about Candice and finally came up with something about how she doesn't show enough attitude in her face. I get the feeling that Candice is not one of Nicki's favorites. Sole Survivor didn't care what Candice's face looked like and was happy that someone didn't sing a ballad. He then name dropped Tina Turner, Mariah Carey, and Whitney Houston as three chicks with big voices who could also sing up tempo songs. Tina Turner I would agree with, the others not so much. After Glitter Girl rambled on about some stuff Trained Seal wanted Jaws to demonstrate some attitude faces. Randy instead challenged Ryan to do some, which he tried to beg off from doing because guys that are 5'-8 1/2" tall can't do attitude faces. Just before the break Trained Seal proved it by trying to do an attitude face and failing miserably.

Paul Jolley is a perfectionist who grew up in a trailer in rural Tennessee. Andy Cap, who Paul owes his career to since Jimmy was the one who put him through during Vegas week, admired how Paul was picking up the difference between singing and screaming. The fog machine was turned back on for Paul's performance of "Eleanor Rigby", a haunting rendition that looked and sounded like something out of Phantom. It would have been perfect if Paul had come out wearing half a face mask. He hit a few good big notes but the rest of the "singing" was really pitchy. Jaws admired Paul's skinny pants and then slammed him Captain Jack style for being boring, safe, and predictable. Sole Survivor felt that Paul was disconnected from the song and like Jaws got booed for being correct. Glitter Girl danced around the truth Drunk Chick style and then suggested that Paul sing an up tempo dance song like what Paula used to do, or as Mariah still does. Mr. Kidman liked the idea of a pop-rock song for Paul and claimed that "Eleanor Rigby" is another of his favorite Beatles songs. Trained Seal name dropped Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood to get Paul back into the country thing. Ryan also got Paul to honestly admit that he couldn't in good conscience country up a Beatles song.

During the First Coca-Cola Treatment of the night Angie Miller revealed that she was voted "most likely to be on American Idol" by her high school senior classmates. We also saw that some guy named Kyle O'Connor also got that award because Nigel forgot to blur out his name in Angie's photo. Angie also claimed that she wasn't popular in her small town 30 minutes outside of Boston. I wasn't aware that there were small towns that close to Boston. Andy Cap thought Angie had a tendency to over-sing and just perform and urged her to not sing with as much pretend emotion, because you know this is not Les Miz. So naturally Angie over-sang and performed "Yesterday" with lots of pretend emotion as if she were in Les Miz.  Naturally the judges lauded her for not over-singing because she's Nigel's favorite. I have to admit, she does have a nice voice. She is annoying as hell but I can't find fault with her voice. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and name dropped Hayley Williams from Paramore and "that girl from Evanescence", much to Angie's delight. Glitter Girl thought that Angie's modified arrangement was still respectful to the original, and admitted that she herself is afraid to do cover songs because people might complain that she modified the arrangement. Mr. Kidman liked this song too and was afraid that Angie was still thinking too much, but didn't get booed. Jaws uttered a word that got beeped by the Fox censors and told Angie that she could do Disney songs or perform on Broadway. For once I agree with Nicki. Trained Seal confused Angie by talking about her hair style.

It was back to back Coca Cola Treatments as Devin Velez got Treatment #2, where he revealed that he attended a military high school in Chicago. Devin also pointed out how there are so many contestants this year who claim to be from a small town. In another admission on honesty he commented that he can't think too highly of himself since "the moment you think you're Mariah Carey then everything goes down." He did stop short of saying that Nigel picked his song, "The Long and Winding Road". Andy Cap propped him up by name dropping Brian McKnight and Stevie Wonder. Unlike the last singer who claimed that she should sing in control and then not do it, Devin actually did it. The tone was good, the pitch was spot on, and it was much better than his performance last week that landed him in the Bottom 2. Glitter Girl claimed that she was left speechless but then rambled on for 10 minutes about how it would be a travesty if he were sent home after this performance. She didn't threaten to quit if he was. Mr. Kidman claimed that this song was another of his favorite Beatles songs. Jaws gave a shout out to the background singers, got bleeped by the Fox sensor again for giving a shout out to a male body part, and then bragged that Fox couldn't bleep her shout out to the pianist. Sole Survivor waved to the heavens hoping to deflect the lightning bolt that was about to come down on Nicki. After being relieved that he survived yet another man made disaster, Randy dropped 2 YOs and told Devin that he thought his swagger was back. Glitter Girl had a look that just screamed "I told you so!" when Jaws was getting bleeped. Trained Seal must have seen that since he later asked Mariah if she had any shout outs to make. "Whatever do you mean" was her coy reply, before she gave a shout out to all her "lambs" out there and to Mr. Kidman's tattoo.

Tonight's closer was small town girl Janelle Arthur, who surprised me by not being in the Bottom 3 last week despite being the lowest ranked chick. She sang "I Will", a Beatles song that not only have I never heard before but also one that I don't have a copy of. She continued to remind me of Kellie Pickler by talking to Andy Cap about practicing breathing because otherwise "you'll run out of air." As it turned out, she sang this song pretty darn well with a pretty darn good tone and pitch. I think this it is the first time I've said anything favorable about her singing. Mr. Kidman admitted that this song was not one of his favorite Beatles songs but still liked the fact that Janelle rocked the song with her dress and cowboy boots, metaphorically speaking. Jaws wanted to renew her vows with the "swan goddess" and 57% of Tweeters agreed. Sole Survivor dropped his last YO of the night and admired her "nice thing with her head and chest voice." Glitter Girl admired how Janelle wasn't listening to any of the judges.

Things We Learned Tonight (or Last Night): Carly Rae Jepsen will be appearing in the finale. There are apparently small towns in the suburbs of Boston. Too many kids today have never heard a Beatles song. There are Beatles songs that I have never heard before either. Mr. Kidman has a lot of favorite Beatles songs. Glitter Girl is afraid of doing cover songs because people will complain. Jaws likes to do the church stomp, knows how to say "nervous" in Spanish, and has declared war on both Jimmy Iovine and Fox's censor. Trained Seal is 5'-8 1/2" tall, forgot that Glitter Girl was in a movie, and can't do attitude faces because he's short. Andy Cap thinks everyone in the world has heard "Let It Be", thinks John Lennon could have used some psychotherapy, and is afraid of Nicki. All of the other judges are afraid of Jimmy. And yes, Nigel is indeed picking the contestant's songs.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Hands down Candice Glover is the best performer in this competition, but I'm still not sure that she has a chance to win this thing given what has happened the last several years on this show. I agree with Glitter Girl, it would be shame if Devin Valez was sent home after his performance this week. I'm starting to warm up to Janelle Arthur, though she has no shot of winning as long as Nigel's favorite Kree is still around. I'm still working on getting warmed up to Angie Miller.

Idol Gives Back: At first I was surprised that Curtis got voted off last week because of how well he sang two weeks ago and because he's a dude. Then I was reminded that Curtis picked on little Charlie Askew during Hollywood Week and had a criminal record (he got busted for stealing a computer). Then it all made sense. Curtis is not the first finalist to be bounced off the show once his criminal past was exposed. I had Devin correctly in the bottom 3 but Burnell instead of Paul since I thought more tweeners would support Paul than Burnell. I've learned my lesson. I think.

The Final Score: 7 ballads; 7 big notes, though not all the same songs; 3 short skirts, thanks to Aubrey; 10 YOs from Sole Survivor; 5 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 2 mentions of former Idol judges; 1 mention of a former Idol winner; 1 mention of a former Idol contestant; 1 kayfabe bubble burst; 8 name drops: 5 from Sole Survivor, 2 from Andy Cap, and 1 from Trained Seal; 2 yellow outfits; 1 hurricane mention; 2 mentions of Broadway musicals; at least 3 singers who sang songs that they had never heard until 4 days ago; and yet another Idol contest. Honestly, I've lost count on how many contests there are this season.

The Fearless Prediction: I suspect Paul Jolley is in danger of being eliminated. The tweener and cougar votes appear to be going to Lazaro and without that bloc Paul has no chance of winning, especially since the other dudes are better singers than him. We could see Amber in the Bottom 3 this week instead of Janelle because her performance was not as good and because she was in the middle of the pack last week and thus may not get many sympathy votes. If Idol were a singing competition then Lazaro would be in the Bottom 3 too but because it's not I believe it'll be Devin there yet again. However, my prediction is that it'll be Paul instead of Devin who will be sent back to his small town.

It's Not Les Miz!

One thing that I love about the finals, and yes my darling these are the finals, is that I only need to stay up late one night a week instead of two since I don't recap the results shows. I tried doing that one season but it just proved to be too difficult to stay awake, not just the next morning but also during the show.

Habemus Papem everyone! Latin for "we have a winner!" Trained Seal should try something similar at the Idol finale this season: Habemus Idolum!"

In lieu of Trained Seal spewing out cliches to pimp up the show and the contestants the opening tonight was a video of each contestant spewing out cliches about how wonderful it is to be in the Top 10. It might have sounded more interesting if it had been in Latin.

Jaws was late to the studio tonight; Trained Seal claimed she was stuck in traffic on the 405, though Sole Survivor thought it might be the 101 instead. Would you like a little inside baseball in honor of spring training starting? The closest freeway to the studio where Idol is taped is neither the 405 nor the 101 but rather the 10. There, now you know enough to be an Idol judge, but only if you say your prayers and eat your vitamins.

First up was Curtis Finch, Jr., who wants to be the next Luther. Andy Cap warned Curtis instead to "not get yourself too caught up in the past." Too late for that I think. Curtis sang Fantasia's finale song "I Believe", an obvious song choice I suppose given Curtis' day job as a worship leader. No one was cleansed of their sins this week though. His singing was shaky at the start but picked up a bit at the end when the 8, count 'em, 8 back up singers appeared behind him. Mr. Kidman loved the song choice though, as well as Curtis' red jacket that had a pattern that reminded me of a carpet that was in my parents' house until the puppy ruined it. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and suggested that Curtis try to sing something different next time. Glitter Girl suggested that Curtis ignore Sole Survivor's advice.

Just before the break Nigel crept up behind the judges and signalled to Trained Seal to come backstage and retrieve Jaws, who had finally showed up from whatever freeway she was driving on.

During her Coca-Cola Treatment Janelle Arthur talked about meeting Jagger Lite and that guy from Rascal Flatts at the hotel she is staying at. How can we miss Steven Tyler if he never stays away from the show? Now that I think about it no one has name dropped J-Lo even once so far this season. Andy Cap advised Janelle to separate herself from all the other blonde female country artists that are out there. I'm assuming he was referring to Carrie Underwood but I'm beginning to think that Janelle is the second coming of Kellie Pickler instead. She sang "Gone" like Scotty McCreery did 2 years ago. I knew this because the word "GONE" was posted in big letters on the jumbotron behind the stage. She sang a spirited vocal, the only one tonight that wasn't a ballad, but it was just OK for me. Mr. Kidman name dropped a couple of country singers. Jaws looked like she was hung over with her hoodie and big sunglasses, but still got booed because she told Janelle that she wanted her to sing something prettier. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and thought everyone was gone. He got booed too. Glitter Girl admired Janelle's aura. Must be that beauty school training that she had. Trained Seal talked to Janelle afterwards about cotton mouths.

Devin Valez admires Andy Cap because he once worked with Madonna. Funny that Jimmy's bio doesn't mention that. Devin told Jimmy that he doesn't want to do a ballad every week, so naturally he sang a ballad tonight, "Temporary Home", previously sung by Carrie Underwood. It was well sung though, nice and controlled but a bit boring. Mr. Kidman hated the song choice and got booed by the audience and the evil eye from Jaws, who then praised Devin for mixing it up by not singing a lyric in Spanish. Sole Survivor thought it was too safe. Glitter Girl didn't like the song choice either but was afraid to say so.

Angie Miller bragged about how much Andy Cap likes her, only for Jimmy to tell her that he thinks of beauty pageants whenever he sees Angie sing. She can't understand why but I would bet her dentist does. She sang the first Kelly Clarkson cover of the night, "I Surrender", and like a pageant contestant she sang it with a short skirt and a big smile. The performance was alright, technically good and all, but honestly the song was too big for her. Angie doesn't have the pipes that Kelly Clarkson has and it was painfully obvious tonight, to everyone that is except the judges who fawned all over her yet again. Sole Survivor dropped 3 YOs and the other judges reacted likewise, using words like "perfection", "amazing", "stellar", and "I surrender."

After Trained Seal pimped the web site we heard Andy Cap compare Paul Jolley to a Broadway singer because he oversings his songs. "It's not Les Miz" he tells the WG. Apparently Nigel has gotten to Jimmy and asked him to compensate for putting Paul through by now trashing him. Paul tried another Scotty cover, "Amazed" since he's still trying to convince us that he is a country singer. Dude, I'm telling you, forget the country and go find a guitar instead. Tonight Paul was flat and actually not theatrical enough. The judges all praised him for listening to their advice. Jaws revealed that she was "finally" sexually stimulated by Paul.

Trained Seal Coca-Cola'd Candace Glover into talking about her family, who flew out from South Carolina on their first ever plane trip to see her sing. She sang "I, Who Have Nothing", the song that Trained Seal claimed Jordin Sparks won Season 6 by singing. Personally I still remember her performance of "You Never Walk Alone" as being the one that won her that season. I also remember Sole Survivor asking Jordin how a 16 year old who never had a boyfriend could possibly relate to that song. Candace assured us that she had no such trouble relating to this song, and then proved it by emoting big time during her performance. Wow it was good, not just best of the night but best of the season so far. No question I felt goosebumps this time. Mr. Kidman named dropped Shirley Bassey, who I discovered is originally from Wales. Jaws thought Candace sang it so well that no one should ever sing that song on Idol ever again because it would pale in comparison. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and fist pumped the air. Glitter Girl claimed that she would have given Candace a standing ovation but couldn't because her skirt was too tight to allow her to stand up. This revelation inspired the first "Is Trained Seal Gay" banter of the season when Mariah claimed that Ryan knew how to work a skirt.

Andy Cap revealed to Lazaro Argos that he gets nervous talking to the contestants. Lazaro tried Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" and it was flat and dull. He looked good while doing it though in a nice blue jacket. Just like Angie earlier Lazaro just doesn't have a voice that matches up with the power of Kelly's. Mr. Kidman apparently forgot that Lazaro has a stuttering problem, as he asked Lazaro why he picked that song and he took about 5 minutes for Lazaro to get out all of the words in response. Jaws showed off a few more Spanish words that she learned and name dropped Ricky Ricardo. Yes, it's a character name instead of a real person but it still counts. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and got booed for agreeing with me. Glitter Girl once again talked about Lazaro's courage and how much she can relate to his overcoming obstacles. I was hoping at tht moment that Jaws would slap Mariah silly and scream about pity parties again.

Andy Cap thinks Kree Harrison oversings her songs too, though because she's being pushed up and Paul's being pushed down Jimmy didn't harp on this nearly as much. She sang Roy Orbison's "Crying" since Carrie Underwood once did too. No short skirt again, but for the first time on the show she's wearing make-up. It helps a little bit. Kree does have a nice tone to her voice which we heard yet again, though I wasn't too crazy about the song choice. Jaws compared Kree's singing to eating buttermilk waffles with Aunt Jemima syrup.

Burnell Taylor was advised by Andy Cap that his chances of winning will be DOA if he sings nothing but R&B ballads. But what if everybody else does? Burnell of course chose to sing an R&B ballad, "Flying Without Wings" that was covered by Ruben Stoddard. Burnell ditched the Steve Urkel glasses tonight, good thing too since the smoke machine was working on overdrive during his performance and would have fogged up this glasses. He strained to hit the high notes but was otherwise OK. Mr. Kidman channeled his inner Nicki and admired Burnell's eccentric, magnetic "Burnellisms". Jaws name dropped india.arie. Glitter Girl talked about their history as if they were former lovers. Trained Seal strained to make a joke about the Vatican and the smoke machine.

Tonight's closer was Amber Holcomb, who sang Kelly Clarkson's finale song "A Moment Like This." Andy Cap wanted Amber to sing it up tempo, and while she promised the audience that there would be a beat she sang the song like a ballad just like Kelly did. I do have to say though that she sang it well. Of the 3 contestants who sang a Kelly Clarkson song Amber was the only one who could favorably compare with the Original American Idol. The fact that she did this while a fan on steroids was blowing her hair and dress around made it even more remarkable. Jaws forgot about Candace's performance and declared this one this best of the night, then name dropped Whitney and begged Amber to buy some pink lipstick instead of the bright red lipstick that she's been wearing. There was 1 final YO from Sole Survivor, in between his laughing of Nicki's critique. Glitter Girl spoke in Twitterese ("#Pow") and bragged about how she too has to deal with singing while a fan is blowing everything around.

Things We Learned Tonight: Shirley Bassey is Welsh. Sole Survivor wonders where everybody went and thinks Jaws is funny. Jaws learned a few more Spanish words, loves to eat buttermilk waffles, has finally been sexually stimulated by all the male contestants, and forgot that the shows are broadcast live and thus cannot be fashionably late any more. Glitter Girl can see auras, wears skirts that are so tight that she can't stand up, and can relate to overcoming obstacles even though she may never have faced any. Andy Cap once worked with Madonna and gets nervous talking to the contestants. Trained Seal has the same swerve as Sole Survivor but doesn't want to talk about how to work a skirt. No one wants to talk about Jennifer Lopez.

Your Three Stars of the Week: Candace Glover blew right past Jordin Sparks and ventured into Shirley Bassey territory, and in the process established herself as the early front runner. Just amazing. Amber Holcomb came the closest to Kelly Clarkson and in the process established herself as a potential dark horse. I have to admit, Kree Harrison really does have a nice voice.

The Final Score: 9 ballads; 9 big notes (only Janelle had neither); 2 short skirts; 7 YOs from Sole Survivor; 2 mention of former Idol judges; 1 mention of a former Idol contestant; 1 Nigel Lythgoe sighting; 7 name drops: 4 by Jaws and 3 by Mr. Kidman; and the final count of former Idol winners was 3 for Kelly Clarkson, 2 each for Scotty McCreery and Carrie Underwood, and 1 on each for Fantasia Barrino, Jordin Sparks, and Ruben Stoddard. Funny how no one chose to sing a Taylor Hicks or Lee Dewyze song. No one took on Phillip Phillips' "Home" either but I'd bet he'll sing it tomorrow night.

The Fearless Prediction: OK, which of the chicks are going home? My guess is that it'll be Janelle that'll at least be in bottom 3, as the other chicks were either a million times better (Candace and Amber) or getting a million times stronger push from Nigel (Angie and Kree). I have a feeling that Devin and Burnell will be joining her. None of the dudes had a standout performance tonight but Curtis should still be getting some after effect love from his performance last week and both Paul and Lazaro are getting too many shrieks from the tweeners to think that they'll be sent home this early. Because I'm still not yet convinced that the tweeners and cougars will allow a chick to win this season I predict that Janelle will be the first recipient of Phillip Phillips' going home song this season, especially since Nigel likely wants to save the judges' save for either Angie or Kree.

Please stay tuned to your local news. Good night everyone!

Undeniable Moments of Brillance

I'm going to try to make this brief since I'm waiting until I finish this review before playing back the results show on my DVR. I don't want you to think that I'm cheating by making my predictions after seeing the results. Judges are supposed to be held to a higher standard after all.

There were lots of interesting signs in the audience, including "Keith is an Urban Cowboy" (very creative) and "What Mariah Says Goes," which sounds great except that no one can figure out just what Mariah is actually saying.

First up was Elijah Liu, the lady killer who is single and available and wants to hit people in the heart. You know, there is a wrestling move called the heart punch that is supposed to momentarily stop an opponent's heart from beating. But I digress. He sang some sleepy Rihanna ballad that the audience clapped along to just to stay awake. His first big note was all fuzzy, probably because he held the mic too close to his mouth. Then it was all downhill from there as he lost the pitch and never managed to get it back. Jaws name dropped New Kids on the Block and would buy blankets with his face on it. Sole Survivor got booed for pointing out that the song was monotonous.

Cortez Shaw was next. He lives for feedback on his singing, especially from Mr. Kidman. He sang a Bruno Mars song and got points for not singing a ballad and for showing some decent dance moves, but the singing was just OK. Competent but boring and karaoke. The judges weren't crazy about it but went to great lengths to avoid saying anything critical and get booed. Glitter Girl name dropped Sting and The Police for no apparent reason that I could tell.

Charlie Askew had no idea what he was doing last week when he sang Elton John's "Rocket Man", so perhaps that explains why this week he sang the Genesis song "Mama" while wearing some odd patterned tank top and some dangling feathered earring thing. He performed the song like he had nothing to lose, I'll give him that, but the vocals were just awful. It was just weird on multiple levels. Mr, Kidman wondered what people at home were thinking and thought Charlie was disingenuous. Jaws thought someone stole her baby, and said a bunch of other critical things that the audience was too busy laughing about to be able to boo her. Only Glitter Girl didn't say anything critical and she really struggled not to. Charlie looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown, so much so that Trained Seal had to intervene and give Charlie some instant therapy before reading out his phone number.

Nick Boddington got the first Coca-Cola Treatment, where Trained Seal pointed out to everyone that Nick used to have hair. Since is one of only two white dudes (not counting Charlie) still left in the competition I suspect Ryan was asked by Nigel to make a big deal about the hair so the tweeners won't vote for him. Nick was back at the piano to sing the Goo Goo Dolls "Iris", naturally as a ballad. It does seem like the dudes are choosing more songs that I know (i.e. older) than the chicks are. Nick sang with a fair amount of passion, but he seemed to be short on breath quite a lot. He needs a few sessions with Andy Cap to work on his technique. Jaws was upset that Nick turned one of her all time favorite songs into a sleepy ballad. Sole Survivor name dropped Ryan Terry or someone whose name sounds like Ryan Terry.

Burnell Taylor, the guy who lost his house to Hurricane Katrina and then lost 40 pounds so that he could look like Steve Urkel, sang the same ballad that made Glitter Girl cry at his audition. He sang it just as well tonight with a good tone. A great vocal to a boring song. Not only was Mariah crying again but Mr. Kidman was crying too. Sole Survivor finally dropped his first YO.

Paul Jolley was the white guy that Andy Cap saved last week to foil Nigel's plans to have no white guys make it to the voting rounds. He too was given the Coca-Cola treatment by Trained Seal, who bounded with Paul over their mutual obsession with Carrie Underwood. Tonight he revealed that he likes the country and wants to be the dude version of Taylor Swift, which was a surprise to Glitter Girl but not to anyone else. This dude is one smart fella; he knows he's got a shot because he's one of only two white dudes left on the show so he's trying to distinguish himself from the other WG by playing the country angle. Lord knows he ain't gonna impress anyone with his vocals, though to his credit his vocals tonight were decent. Mr. Kidman name dropped Sam Hunt (I think) and Gary Levox, the lead singer of Rascal Flatts. I had to look that one up. One reason I watch Idol is to get up to speed on who the hot performers are nowadays since I don't get out much any more. Jaws tried to get Keith to say something negative and then claimed that she learns so much from his comments, like how to say something negative without getting the audience to boo him.

The leader in the sob story division, the stuttering Lazaro Arbos, sang a Mary J. Blige song ala Martin Fry. This time you can look it up. It was corny, it was cheezy, but it was in tune and not karaoke and the tweeners ate it up. Glitter Girl talked about his overcoming adversity again but then actually said something critical about how the song was too low of a register for him. The audience rewarded Mariah by booing her.

The sole remaining worship leader among the million or so who auditioned is Curtis Finch, Jr., who preferred to be referred to as CJ until he heard how Trained Seal says his full name. Curtis cleansed Mr. Kidman of his sins last week, and this week Curtis turned it up a notch and cleansed everyone with his rendition of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly". Normally I would trash anyone for picking that song but not this time because he really sang it well. Best vocal of the night. He was in tears, the audience was in tears, the judges were in tears, even I was in tears, though the wine might have something to do it. All of the judges gave Curtis a standing ovation and evoked a higher power when commenting on his performance. Jaws wants Curtis to go out and save the world with his singing because "people are hurting." Glitter Girl was feeling depressed up until now but felt cleansed by Curtis' good energy. I have to admit, I felt uplifted myself.

Devin Valez impressed the judges last week with his Español verse, so this week he sang half of his song in Spanish, including the big note at the end. It must have been hard to follow Curtis but he did well for himself even though the song was boring. His voice had good tone and he had a nice range tonight, just like he did last week. Jaws tried to give her critique in a Spanish accent but gave up after she ran out of Spanish words that she knows. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and claimed that he never talked about tone on Idol until he was inspired by Devin to do so now.

Tonight's closer was Vincent Powell, who is still trying to figure out the comments from Jaws last week about cougars throwing their panties at him. I would suggest that he talk to Taylor Hicks about that. I imagine though that not even Taylor could help figure out why Zoanette called him Papa Smurf last week. Sadly this week Vincent didn't inspire any such loopy comments. Instead we heard a lot of high pitch screeching that didn't impress the judges or me, though Zoanette was still on her feet for him and Mr. Kidman thought he had a few "undeniable moments of brilliance."

Farewell Vegas, it's back to Hollywood for the rest of the season. Hopefully the mic has made it there from its nationwide tour.

Things We Learned Tonight: Charles Barkley has large drawers. Joy Behar has been on The View for 17 years. Sole Survivor has ears that are shaped slightly different and thinks that he never mentions tone on this show. Glitter Girl needs some good energy and doesn't like to delve into her Beauty School bag. Mr. Kidman thinks real artists ignore critiques that don't pertain to them. Jaws knows about 4 words in Spanish, thinks "Iris" is one of the greatest songs of all time, thinks Mr. Kidman's comments are educational, would buy blankets with Elijah Liu's face on it, and her favorite color is pink. Well perhaps we already knew the last one. Trained Seal follows Carrie Underwood and has a future as a psychotherapist if this hosting thing doesn't work out for him.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Curtis Finch, Jr. brought out the tears and the goosebumps and was the best of the live shows so far. Burnell Taylor wasn't too far behind vocally, though his Urkel look just isn't working for me. Devin Valez sang well in two different languages.

The Final Score: 8 ballads, 0 short skirts, 6 big notes, 4 YOs from Sole Survivor, 2 mention of former Idol winners, 6 name drops (2 each by Mr. Kidman and Jaws, plus 1 each from Sole Survivor and Glitter Girl), 1 negative comment from Glitter Girl (her first in the Vegas shows), 2 K-word mentions, 1 therapy session, 2 Nigel Lythgoe mentions, 1 Urkel mention, 3 crying judges, 1 obscure 80's singer reference, and finally 1 goosebump performance.

The Fearless Prediction: If Curtis Finch, Jr. doesn't go through after tonight's performance then this will be my last recap done while sober. Burnell Taylor deserves to go through so we can see Glitter Girl cry some more. Devin Valez has the Hispanic vote. Lazaro Arbos is the leader in the sob story division and gets the most screeches from the tweeners in the audience so he should be through too. Cortez Shaw is competent but boring so he's likely a goner. Vincent Powell is the third best Brother on the show so I suspect he's a goner too despite his solid performance last week. Elijah Liu has a shot of staying because his fake bad boy persona is bound to impress some of the tweeners, but I suspect he'll scare off the cougars who like their teenagers to have good guy acts. That leaves the three WGs, Charlie Askew, Paul Jolley, and Nick Boddington. After last week I would have picked Paul to go through based solely on him being a WG, but since he didn't play a guitar this week I've changed my mind and now think he's a goner. Charlie's performance tonight should send him home, but his post-performance sobbing is bound to earn him a lot of sympathy votes and help him overtake Nick and stay on for the summer tour.

My Predictions:
In: Curtis, Burnell, Devin, Lazaro, and Charlie.
Out: Cortez, Vincent, Elijah, Paul, and Nick.

OK, let's flip on the DVR and see how bad my predictions are....

1)  Paul Jolley is in. If he knows how to play a guitar then you're looking at the next American Idol.
2)  Burnell Taylor, the Louisiana boy, is in. Jaws is much more excited about this than she was for Paul. Glitter Girl is crying again.
3)  Curtis Finch, Jr. is in. Praise the Lord. Curtis seems genuinely shocked. I'm not.
4)  Devin Valez is in. Dios mio. Mamacita came on stage to give her boy a big hug.
5)  Lazaro Arbos is in. The sob story of the season continues.

OK, 4 out of 5. I'll take that. Charlie's tears kept me from batting 1.000 but .800 will get me in the Hall of Fame if I can keep this up for the rest of the season. I have a feeling though that Paul Jolley will not help my average at all.

Time for the ladies:

6)  Janelle Arthur is in. The third time trying out is the charm for her. Not so much for me. I just hope she doesn't do an Elvis song again.
7)  Candice Glover is in. OK, I feel better now. I'm looking forward to hearing more from her and Curtis, and judging from Curtis' reaction he's feeling much the same.
8)  Angie Miller is in. OK, Nigel Lythgoe feels better now. Trained Seal thought the judges saw this coming. Even I saw this coming.
9)  Amber Holcomb is in. I can't complain.
10)  Kree Harrison is in. Nigel's chicks are both in, he's batting 1.000. I had a moment of doubt when Janelle was announced, but I should have known better.

8 out of 10, not bad if I do say so myself. I will miss Aubrey's legs, Adriana's smile, and of course Zoanette.

OK America, place your bets.

Small Town Girls

We've finally reached the voting rounds, when "the most discerning critics of all" (Trained Seal) get to weigh in on the contestants. I guess if you consider "discerning" to include who is the best looking, who is potential fantasy date material, and who the cougars would like their tweener daughters to bring home for dinner, then Ryan could not have been more spot on.

Trained Seal also mentioned in his intro that it has become a "tradition" to have viewers vote on the contestants, which sounded rather odd to me. Captain Jack, who loved everything that was "current" must be turning over in his grave even though he's not dead. It occurred to me that there are 3 fewer voting rounds this year compared to previous seasons. The semi-finals that usually featured 2 voting rounds to get from 20 to 12 now only has one, and instead of a Top 12 going into the finals instead Idol is jumping straight to the Top 10. So much for tradition. I guess that means that the cougars, the tweeners, and the Vote for the Worst fans will get only 1 chance to decide on who goes on the summer tour.

The opening playful banter between the judges and Trained Seal featured Mr. Kidman bragging about how they are offering the voters diversity, Sole Survivor bragging about how it's a chick's year this year (hmm, when have we heard that before?), and Glitter Girl rambling on about how Idol has been "this amazing vehicle" for developing talent, which sounds fine except that she was asked to compare the contestants' experience breaking into the music business with her own. I'm finding it more and more difficult to write down what Glitter Girl is saying because she just goes all over the place with her comments, kind of like what Drunk Chick used to do but not nearly in as entertaining a way as Paula was.

Oh how do I miss Paula...

Speaking of wacky, kooky chicks, first up tonight was Zoanette Johnson, who was singing for all of the kooky people in the world. Her comments, not mine. She took on Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It" with all the flamboyance that we've come to expect, and in some cases love, from Ms. Johnson. At least it wasn't a ballad; she gets bonus points for being the only performer not to sing a ballad tonight. The vocal was just OK, not awful but not stellar. After praising this chick for weeks the judges turned on poor Zoanette tonight, even though this performance wasn't much different from all her other ones. Perhaps they were trying to influence the vote. Mr. Kidman didn't like the song choice but praised her "exhibitionism." No, Zoanette didn't strip naked thank goodness, though she was wearing a short skirt. Jaws flat out told her "that wasn't it" and got booed. Sole Survivor dropped 5 YOs on Zoanette and praised her for being the spiritual leader of the locker room and then declared her performance tonight to be a mess. Glitter Girl talked about Zoanette's "struggles" and her energy but didn't want to talk about the performance tonight. Trained Seal admired Zoanette's wig.

Next was Breanna Steer, the small town girl from Louisiana who sang about busting some dude's car windows last week. Tonight she sang about train wrecks. She missed a couple of notes here and there but was otherwise OK, albeit boring. Mr. Kidman urged her not to be another Beyonce'. Honestly, he could say the same thing to every other contestant except for the 2 country chicks and Zoanette. Jaws dissed both Mr. Kidman and Breanna's performance. Sole Survivor was still searching for the big moments. Glitter Girl just rambled on about various things. Trained Seal, as he has done to at least one contestant every season, pushed Breanna to name the person she was thinking about as she was singing the song. The most she would reveal was that the person was "sort of" in the audience.

Eye candy Aubrey Cleland was the first of two contestants to be given the Coca-Cola treatment tonight. In her intro she talked about being from a small town in Oregon and how she was inspired by Kelly Clarkson to try out for the show. She wore another tight fitting dress tonight, too bad the voters who would have cared about this haven't watched Idol in years. She sang the one Fergie song that I've actually heard before. It was safe, boring, and flat but on pitch. I guess so anyway since I wasn't paying much attention to her voice. Mr. Kidman thought that the melody was too restrictive, kind of like her dress. Jaws loved Aubrey's humility since she doesn't act like she's attractive, and then criticized her for holding the mic too close to her mouth. Sole Survivor named dropped Rihanna. Glitter Girl thought Aubrey had multi-platinum potential.

Country chick Janelle Arthur thought the reason she was the last one sent through last week was because the judges were hard on her for her song choice. So naturally she picked an Elvis song to sing this week, "If I Could Dream". She sang the song as a slow country ballad which was fine for what is was, but to me that was the last song in the world outside of a Metallica song that you want to sing as a slow country ballad. Elvis sold that song with more passion than Jaws in heat but there was no passion in the way Janelle sang it. So of course the judges loved it. Mr. Kidman dropped 4 "loves" on Janelle, followed by a YO from Sole Survivor. Jaws called her a marshmallow and wanted to eat her. Sole Survivor also named dropped Patsy Kline to go with the YO. Glitter Girl thought Janelle was America's Sweetheart. Trained Seal got all punny by asking America to vote for Janelle "if you want s'more" of her. Ryan then tried to excuse it by claiming he was "born with this much cheese."

Between singers Trained Seal and Sole Survivor talked about going to the buffet after the show. So that they could avoid the long lines and the outrageous prices Sigfried and Roy instead sent a plate of crab legs to the judges table. Jaws was not at all interested in eating one.

Teena Torres, apparently the only chick tonight not from a small town (unless you consider Queens to be a small town), complained that Jaws' comments last week were focused on her hair instead of on her singing. Tonight she tried to avoid that by doing lots of crowd pleasing shouting of a Faith Hill song instead of singing. Her hair looked good though. Mr. Kidman thought she sang it like a cabaret singer when the camera was close up on her but was more emotional when the camera was far away. Keith is getting really good at cloaking his criticisms to avoid getting booed. Jaws loved Teena's hair and her boobs, then criticized Sole Survivor for being a goody too-shoes because he was surprised that she said the word "boobs" on live TV. Nicki also liked Teena's "fullness", as did Glitter Girl, which of course Trained Seal felt compelled to comment on since he's still under orders to promote the feud between the chick judges.

Angela Miller now wants to be referred to as Angie to distinguish her from the chick who sang the original song during Hollywood Week. Angie was back at the piano tonight to sing a Colton Dixon song, yes the same Colton Dixon that was one of last season's early voting round eliminations. It might as well have been another original song. Angie sang it like Angela did during Hollywood Week, the best performance of the night so far. I find her rather annoying but I can't complain about her singing. Mr. Kidman asked if he could call her Angie. Jaws hears trumpets whenever Angie walks into the room and urged Nigel to sign her to a record deal right now. Sole Survivor dropped 2 YOs and declared that a star was born. Only Glitter Girl brought up Angela's Hollywood Week performance, though she thought this one was as good. Trained Seal told Angie that Colton was watching but didn't tell her what he thought about his song getting stolen. It reminded me of what Otis Redding said when he heard Aretha Franklin's version of "Respect", "that girl done stole my song!"

Trained Seal used Amber Holcomb's Coca-Cola Treatment to remind her mom that she slugged him during Amber's audition, though Nigel or someone off camera apparently told Ryan that it was Amber's stepmom who did that. Oh, the joys of live television. Amber is another small town girl who claimed that she was more than just some legs, so of course she wore another short skirt tonight. Tonight she was the first contestant to take on a Whitney song, and there were some notes that she sang that were really good. There were others though that were just OK. Still, not bad overall. Mr. Kidman thought it was a great song choice, which you don't often hear Idol judges say whenever someone tries a Whitney song, but then he's new to this gig. Jaws wanted to call her "Ber" and was so impressed that she started making up numbers. Sole Survivor thought Amber was "in it to win it" and bragged about how Amber took his advice from last week to be more confident.

Kree Harrison thought that everyone on Idol was amazing, even the band and her vocal coaches. Just wait until she meets Andy Cap. She too did a country song, Faith Hill I believe, and it was pretty decent. Much better than Janelle's country song. Mr. Kidman channeled his inner Paula and told Kree "the first two words of Idol are 'I do' and I do love to hear you sing." This guy has potential. Keith then name dropped Trisha Yearwood, Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Martina McBride, and Patsy Kline, all in one breath. Dolly Parton must have shouted "hey what about me?" at her TV set after that. Jaws tried to one up the name dropper by revealing that she was Kree's wife and that Kree in her jeans and loose fitting blouse was even sexier than last week when she also wore jeans and a loose fitting blouse. Kree wanted "to do my wife proud." Glitter Girl made a back handed criticism of Nicki by saying that she couldn't top those comments because she was married. Trained Seal offered to take Jaws and Kree to the drive-thru wedding chapel.

The youngest chick in the competition is Adriana Latonio, the Pinay from a small town in Alaska. She dedicated her song tonight to all the people of Alaska who she wants to flood the phone lines and the Idol iPhone app to vote for her. She wore a nice looking dress tonight, black with a wavy dark red feature down the front and a modest (i.e. below the knee) hem line. She started the song low and ended with some big notes. I thought it was pretty good actually, so of course the judges trashed it. Mr. Kidman gave a shout out to Anchorage and felt nervous about the song choice. Jaws thought the song was too big and too pageanty for Adriana and got booed. Nicki threatened to keep talking if the audience kept booing, which shut the audience right up. Jaws also flat out told Adriana that she should start practicing and come back next year. Sole Survivor also thought it was pageanty and complained about the ballads again. Glitter Girl teased Randy for holding back on his emotions, teased Jaws by claiming that she didn't know what Nicki means when she says that a song is too big for someone, and then finally got around to telling Adriana that she thought the performance was too produced.

Tonight's closer was Candice Glover from the small town island in South Carolina. Like all the other performers except for Zoanette Candice sang a ballad, though it was a little more up tempo than the others. Also unlike the others she brought a little bit of 'tude to the vocal. A very solid performance that got 3 SOs from the judges. It reminded me of how Melinda Doolittle from Season 6 sang. Melinda was my favorite contestant that year and I have a feeling that Candice will be my favorite this season, provided that she survives this vote. Mr. Kidman thought Candice was an old soul that was also current. Jaws just saluted. Maybe it was because the show was running out of time, but I sensed there was something more to it than that. Sole Survivor gave her 2 YOs and thought he learned how to sing from listening to Candice perform. I think he said something similar to Melinda too. Glitter Girl thanked Candice for sharing.

Trained Seal declared tonight's show one of the most talented ever and said good night at 10:01.

Things We Learned Tonight: Amazon has its own clothing line. Mars' red surface is because it's made of iron oxide. Sole Survivor is still searching for the big moments and is still annoyed by all the ballads. Glitter Girl doesn't know what it means when a song is too big for someone, thinks Sole Survivor is holding back emotionally, and is Idol's best rambler since Paula Abdul. Mr. Kidman is a master of the subliminal criticisms. Jaws is married to Kree Harrison and wants to eat another contestant but is not interested in eating crab legs. Trained Seal was born with a lot of cheese and will do whatever it takes.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Candice Glover received the only standing ovations from the judges and they were well deserved. Angie Miller allowed us to forget about Angela Miller's Hollywood Week performance. I thought Adriana Lotorio's performance was much better than what the judges thought, so I'll give her the nod over Amber Holcomb and Kree Harrison.

The Final Score (Vegas Semi-Final Edition): 9 ballads (only Zoanette didn't sing one); 8 big notes; 6 short skirts; 6 small town chicks; 10 YOs from Sole Survivor; 2 mentions of former Idol winners; 2 mentions of former Idol contestants; 3 mentions of former Idol judges; 2 Nigel Lythgoe references; 7 name drops by Mr. Kidman, 2 by Sole Survivor, and 1 by Jaws; 10 rambling critiques from Glitter Girl; and 2 soul legends mentioned in a recap of American Idol even though it wasn't a soul theme night. Go figure.

The Fearless Prediction: OK, this is not going to be easy, not only because I haven't done this in almost 3 years but also because I have to predict 5 losers instead of just a bottom 3. The only 2 sure things that I can predict going through are Angie Miller and Kree Harrison, especially since these two appear to be Nigel's favorites. Based on her singing ability alone Candice Glover should be a sure thing but since even Sole Survivor knows that Idol is not a singing competition I can't say she is a sure thing. I will say yes to her anyway just because I like her. I suspect that the country votes will gravitate towards Kree so Janelle Arthur is likely a goner. Breanna Steer and Teena Torres are both rather boring, though competent singers, so I suspect that they will be leaving also. Aubrey Cleland is by far the most attractive contestant so that likely means that she will be going home. Adriana Latonio has the traditionally strong Pinay fan base behind her, not to mention an entire state, so she should move on even though the judges trashed her tonight. That leaves Amber Holcomb and Zoanette Johnson. Amber is by far the better singer and the more traditional Idol contestant, but I have no doubt that Zoanette will get a lot of votes from the sympathetic and the sarcastic. In the end though I don't think that Zoanette appeals to the cougars and tweeners enough to convince them to power vote for her, so I think Amber will go through and Zoanette will be the last one sent home Thursday night. It would be fun if she stayed though.

Predictions for staying: Angie, Kree, Candice, Adriana, & Amber.
Predictions for leaving: Janelle, Breanna, Teena, (sadly) Aubrey, (even more sadly) Zoanette.

I'll be posting the recap of the dudes show on Thursday as the Judge has another obligation to attend to tomorrow. Sometimes I just love to refer to myself in the third person...

Get It, Papa Smurf, Get It!

Tonight's post is dedicated to my biggest fan who left us 2 years ago tomorrow for that great Idol theatre in the sky. I remember how she once got on my case for taking a shot at one of the Gibb brothers, until I reminded her that he once appeared as an Idol tor-mentor. Her words: "Carry on." This glass of Ravenswood Merlot is in your honor.

The TV listing in my local paper described tonight's show as "the grueling singing semifinals come to an end." Grueling in what way I wonder. The sad thing is that the semifinals haven't even started yet. Those shows are next week.

Trained Seal's intro was at the Mirage pool with dolphins jumping on cue. Ryan I'm sure can relate. i wonder if he fought with the dolphins over the fish reward.

First up tonight was Mathenee Treco, a dancer and entertainer from the Bahamas who was cut in Vegas last year. Damn, how many Vegas cuts were there last year? It seems like half of the Top 40 were cut in Vegas last year. Mathenee was dressed like a homeboy but he didn't fool anyone, not after that intro video. His performance of Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" tonight was lots of spirited screaming that got Zoanette really excited. The rest of the audience, not so much. Mr. Kidman liked his range and power and revealed that he loves entertainers. Mathenee was nothing if not entertaining. Jaws used the K-word in a British accent to critique his performance and got booed. Sole Survivor hated the song choice and wondered who Mathenee was. Glitter Girl wanted to invite Mathenee to her house and revealed that she didn't recognize the song, even though she once bragged that Elvis played a guitar.

Trained Seal told us that the Idol mic will be touring the country between now and the Hollywood shows. I wonder if it'll draw more fans than the Idol summer tour.

Next up was Gurpreet Singh Sarin, the Turbanator from the NYC auditions. Tonight The Turbinator wore a bright yellow turban with matching yellow pants and sang a 70's style song that I didn't recognize. Sad to say it was very flat and karaoke. I might have liked the song better if Gurpreet had sung it better cuz it had a happenin' groove. Mr. Kidman liked Gurpreet's voice but thought it sounded better when he was playing a guitar. Jaws didn't know what was happening and felt that Gurpreet had left the intimacy behind in Hollywood. Sole Survivor thought it was terrible, just terrible. Glitter Girl was only "slightly disappointed." All four judges got booed.

Vincent Powell, one of many worship leaders still in the competition, revealed that he once was a backup singer for Whitney Houston and once lived in his car. He didn't say if he did both at the same time. Vincent looked like an African American Drew Carey after Drew lost the weight. Fortunately he didn't sing like Drew, it was actually pretty decent if you like big notes. Seriously though his falsetto was pretty good. Vincent got 3 standing O's, the only contestant tonight to do so. Mr. Kidman thought Brother Vincent was crazy. Jaws was surprised by Vincent's sexy old fashioned singing and thought that the cougars in the audience wanted to throw their panties at him. Sole Survivor named dropped 3 guys in quick succession, none of whom I recognized, and uttered his first "in it to win it" of the season. Glitter Girl just said "finally." Finally what I don't know but 70% of the Tweeters agreed. Trained Seal went into the crowd to get Zoanette's reaction. "Get it, Papa Smurf, get it!" she shouted. Neither Ryan nor Vincent could figure out who Zoanette was referring to or what Papa Smurf had to do with anything.

Nick Boddington is a New York bartender who began performing at the age of 5. There didn't seem to be very many words to his song since he mostly sang runs and utterances with an occasional note out of pitch. He did sing a nice soft ending to sort of redeem himself. He wore a nice looking hat too, which was matched by the 3 backup singers who wore the same style chapeau. Mr. Kidman liked the "timber" in Nick's voice but didn't feel the connection. Jaws liked the warmth in Nick's voice but also didn't feel the connection. Sole Survivor questioned the song choice and is still looking for his moments. He didn't say anything about his connection. Glitter Girl claimed that she did have a moment but still didn't get the connection. Somebody call the cable guy.

Josh Holliday is a WG with a piano who grew up on a cattle farm and was recruited from the Idol bus tour. Josh chose to sing an original song, which I didn't think Nigel allowed at this stage of the competition. His soft voice was pitchy and boring, so he got up from the piano to sing the chorus to the chicks in the audience and wake everybody up. This dude is a smart guy. Mr. Kidman thought Josh had a great voice, which might mean something if he didn't say that to every other contestant. Jaws thought that Josh was trying too hard to please the judges, which might mean something if she didn't say that to every other contestant. Sole Survivor dropped his first YO of the night, got cheered for saying that he liked the song, and got booed for saying he wasn't wowed by it. Glitter Girl was impressed by Josh's songwriting skills and thought that songwriters are some of the most successful people in the music business. Trained Seal was impressed by Josh's songwriting skills too, especially after Josh claimed he wrote the entire song in one day.

David Willis is yet another worship leader still in this competition. He was featured during the audition shows as the guy who grew up in a home with a lot of foster brothers and sisters. He sang an uptempo version of Peggy Lee's "Fever", and while I admired the fact that he didn't sing a ballad I wondered why he chose this song to take up tempo. "Fever" is not the kind of song that you would think would sound better up tempo. It was OK but kinda of flat and occasionally pitchy. Mr. Kidman felt a "thing" when David sang a big note at the end but didn't like the song choice. He then name dropped 3 other guys that I didn't recognize, though they were not the same three that Sole Survivor dropped earlier. Jaws first asked if Josh was married (he is), and then compared his performance to someone singing at Christmas with a guitar he just got from Santa. One wonders if the two comments were related. Sole Survivor was glad that it wasn't a ballad but was still bored.

Bryant Tadeo is a Pinoy from Hawaii who bragged about how great it was to grow up in the Aloha State, and then sang Billy Joel's "New York State of Mind". Made sense to me. It was an OK vocal with no pitch problems. Jaws loved Bryant's falsetto ending but hated everything else and got booed. Sole Survivor dropped a YO and got booed because he hated the ending even though he liked everything else. Glitter Girl thought Bryant sounded professional but got lost in a couple of spots, and didn't get booed.

Burnell Taylor was tonight's recipient of the Coca-Cola treatment. He was the sob story who lost his home to Hurricane Katrina and whose audition made Glitter Girl cry. He hadn't been seen since, though it's possible that I didn't recognize him in the Hollywood shows because Burnell lost 40 pounds since his audition. Zoanette was already giving him a standing O before he sang his first note. His pitch was rather flat but his performance had some moments. Mr. Kidman was so blown away by Burnell's originality that he forgot the words Nigel told him to say. Jaws would pay to see Burnell sing and could relate with his desire to get his family out of the hood. Sole Survivor bragged about Burnell being from Louisiana. Glitter Girl was almost brought to tears again but not quite.

Second to last was Lazaro Arbos, the stutterer who doesn't stutter when he sings. He took on a Mr. Kidman song that sounded more like a Glitter Girl song. Despite slurring through the bridge it was a decent vocal. Mr. Kidman was once again flattered by someone singing one of his songs and had all sorts of compliments for the songwriter, but then told Lazaro that he sang it too fast. Jaws greeted Lazaro in Spanish and liked the fact that he played it safe because that was who he was. Glitter Girl was worried that Lazaro would be an emotional mess and was happy that he didn't cry during the song. She also liked the purity of Lazaro's struggle. 56% of the Tweeters disagreed.

Tonight's closer was Cortez Shaw, who Jaws thinks has a sexy name. Zoanette ran to the front row and blocked everyone's view right after Cortez's first note. He showed off a good range, though one of the backup singers was doing her best to drown out his softer notes. All in all it was well sung for a ballad. Mr. Kidman asked "you guys love the big notes, don't you?" Then he went all over the place with his critique, which confused the audience so much that they didn't boo the negative comments. Jaws is feeling the heat again. Sole Survivor only wanted to talk about the singing. Glitter Girl bragged that she has been supporting him from the beginning.

Things We Learned Tonight: Victoria's Secret makes DDD bras. Jennifer Hudson hates getting up in the morning. Kim Jung Un and Dennis Rodman are friends for life. Nigel will permit original songs to be sung after the auditions. Glitter Girl wants to invite Mathenee to dinner at her house, didn't recognize an Elvis song, thinks songwriters are the most successful people in the music business, and hates doing the 2-person thing. Mr. Kidman loves entertainers, thinks everybody has a great voice, and needs to feel the connection. Sole Survivor is still looking for his moments. Jaws hates it when the contestants sing what the judges want to hear, is still looking for a husband, and thinks Cortez is a sexy name. Trained Seal admired Glitter Girl's "bungee jumping jewel."

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Vincent Powell took us to church and inspired Zoanette to channel her inner Smurfette. Cortez Shaw sang so well that Mr. Kidman got all confused and Jaws was ready to jump him. The third star has to go to Zoanette Johnson, who dominated the proceedings even though she didn't sing. Honorable mention to Burnell Taylor for losing 40 pounds and keeping his singing voice.

The Final Score: 7 ballads; 5 big notes; 1 mention of a former Idol contestant; 3 Nigel Lythgoe mentions; 1 game show host mention; 2 K-word utterances; 40 lost pounds; only 2 YOs from Sole Survivor (he must know that I'm counting); 3 name drops each by Sole Survivor and Mr. Kidman, none of whom I recognized; 1 name drop of Papa Smurf by a current contestant; and no comments from Andy Cap. Vincent, Cortez, Burnell, Nick, and Lazaro (to lots of screeches) were put through. David, Mathenee, Josh, Bryant, and Gurpreet were sent home. The  cougars were not happy to see Bryant sent home, and 57% of the Tweeters disagreed with sending Nick through instead of The Turbanator.

The Top 20 going to the popular vote includes just 2 white dudes plus 1 white kid versus 17 other contestants. Hmmm, I wonder why? Keep in mind that one of the white dudes, Paul Jolley, only got through because of Andy Cap, the only judge that Nigel cannot control.

Next week the voting rounds begin, which means the return of the fearless predictions. I know, you can hardly wait...

Thank you, and goodnight.