I'm A Loser

On the train on the way home from work I saw a woman reading a book titled: “Getting Out: The Guide to Leaving America.” I stood there thinking, why would anyone want to leave America when the 12 most talented contestants in the history of American Idol are on TV each week singing for our vote? Who would want to miss out on that?

It also occurred to me that there are a lot of other countries that have their own versions of Idol. I know Indonesia has one since I remember watching it while sitting in the waiting room of the Banda Aceh airport. Why I was in the airport in Banda Aceh, Indonesia is a subject for another blog. Many of these same countries also broadcast the American version of Idol, at least if Ryan Seacrest is to be believed, yet outside of occasional broadcasts of Britain’s Pop Idol on BBC America I have never seen any other country’s version of Idol shown on American TV. Why is American Idol so special that so many other countries broadcast it along with their own shows? And if American Idol is that special then why would anyone want to get out of America?

In keeping with the theme of my last post I have come up with racing horse names for all 12 Idol contestants. See what you think about these pieces of vivid imagination:

David Archuleta: Wonder Boy
Carly Smithson: Ringer Girl
David Cook: Rocker Dude
Ramiele Malubay: Pinoy’s Lullaby
David Hernandez: Secret Stripper
Jason Castro: Quiet Man
Amanda Overmyer: Bride of Frankenstein
Michael Johns: Posing Mate
Syesha Mercado: Yes in Her Name
Brooke White: Snow White
Kristy Lee Cook: Colt 45
Chikezie Eeze: God’s Jacuzzi

Some I admit are more creative than others, but I was on the freeway driving home from the train station when I came up with these so there was only so much thought I could put into them. Feel free to send me any suggestions for better names. If they're clean and reasonably creative I'll proudly steal them to use in future posts.

From the very first sentence Ryan pimps the contestants, followed by all new graphics but the same old theme song. The new set gets a standing ovation from the audience. The Idol band has been banished to nosebleed seats above the stage. Same old judges though, including Paula with her seal clap and Simon with his chest hair showing. The contestants come out all wearing black, white, or grey. Not a single primary color among them.

So here we go with the Top 12, otherwise known as the Michael Jackson Benefit Concert. Each contestant will be performing a song from the Lennon/McCartney songbook thanks to the millions paid by the Idol producers to Wacko Jacko. The video intro seems to be avoiding mentioning the word “Beatles” for some reason. I wonder if this means we’ll hear a bunch of Wings songs.

Syesha Mercado, “Got to Get You into My Life”: I’m glad the producers are allowing the contestants to announce which song they are singing, something that they didn’t do in the semi-finals. I can probably guess the songs this week but there will be weeks when your humble judge would otherwise struggle with this. Cheeky is probably upset since it’s the only Lennon/McCartney song that I know of that's been done as an R&B number (Earth, Wind & Fire did this for those of you scoring at home). Syesha’s singing has some spirit but she’s randomly missing a bunch of notes. That is until she starts shouting, or as Randy and Paula put it she found her voice. Syesha does an Oscar worthy performance when Simon actually compliments her. Being the first singer of the night probably had a lot to do with her shaky singing. You could almost hear the nerves. At least she still has her smile.

Chikezie Eeze, “She’s a Woman”: Cheeky apparently checked Paula’s baggage while working security at LAX. Fortunately for Paula he declines to reveal what he found in the bags. I’m sure Paula spends a lot of time at the duty free stores. He’s singing this song with a very interesting arrangement, starting with banjo and fiddle accompaniment and then switching to an up-tempo rock and roll number. Since the lyrics of this song are rather dull and repetitive this was a smart gamble. He breaks out some spastic yet rhythmic shouting that I’m not sure is imitating James Brown, Joe Cocker, or Amanda Overmyer. I kind of liked it; the singing, not the spasms. I don’t know if it’s enough to keep him on the show but he certainly gave it everything he had. Ryan seems more excited than Cheeky, so much so that he’s running out of breath while giving out the phone number.

Ramiele Malubay, “In My Life”: We hear of Ramiele’s life at the sushi bar, though no mention of her melon squeezing. She’s dedicated the song to her “close friends who’ve left the show already.” I wonder which one of her boyfriends she’s referring to. After avoiding lullabies since Week One she sings this song just like one, complete with the arm waiving in the audience. No big notes from the little girl until the end, but it was generally on point and pitch. No shouting this time, though judging from the judges’ reactions they seem to prefer shouting to actual singing. Randy was disappointed that the earth didn’t move for him. If you want the earth to move, Dawg, get out of your chair. Paula criticizes her for being too safe, and for once I think she makes sense (I know, amazes me too). Simon reacts as if he’s just been shot, wincing while whining about how boring it was. For once, Randy agrees with Simon and questions whether or not she’ll even be back next week. C’mon, it wasn’t that bad, though it was a let down after God's Jacuzzi rocked the house.

Jason Castro, “If I Fell”: He tells us that he failed music class at Texas A&M. Why wasn’t that his most embarrassing moment? Jason teases singing “Yesterday” in his video intro but instead goes for a less known and thus less challenging number. The guitar of course is back, in defiance of Paula’s advice from two weeks ago. He’s having trouble with the high notes but the lower ones are generally OK. Perhaps it was better that Jason didn’t sing “Yesterday” after all. Typical folksy stuff from Quiet Man. To Simon’s mock surprise, Paula disagrees with Randy’s comment that the song didn’t connect with him. Paula like her songs like her men, simple. So now we know which contestant Paula most wants to sleep with this year. Simon found it boring, though not as much as Ramiele’s. Simon is the first to question why Jason keeps singing the same way every week. I can answer that, because he can’t sing any other way. Simon’s comment about Jason’s singing like a student singing in his bedroom leads to more confusing and sexually suggestive banter between Simon and Ryan. One of these days our host should just come out of the closet and put an end to this. Maybe he and Secret Stripper can do it together.

Carly Smithson, “Come Together”: Carly is subjected to the Coca-Cola interview of the week, which consists of Ryan asking about her living arrangements and her grocery list. She’s bunking up with Amanda, and it sounds like they just sit around and compare tattoos. Carly tweaks the song “a bit” by turning this simple song into one raunchy little number. I think for the first time Carly has really cut loose with the vocals. Actual singing instead of shouting for a change. I think it’s the best of the night so far. Simon finally likes the song choice, much to Carly’s surprise. She almost collapses in shock. Simon then goes the extra mile and compares her to Kelly Clarkson, which I only mention so I can count the reference at the end and maybe get an extra hit or two.

David Cook, “Eleanor Rigby”: David’s video shows the goofy partial Mohawk that he had at his auditions. He also smashes his guitar in the video to declare that he’s going to sing it without the strings. David, this is Beatles week, not The Who week. The arrangement still has a rock flavor to it though. Five notes in and I think I’m watching and hearing Chris Daughtry. Same sound, similar look, only with hair. Lots of shouting, but to his credit it’s more melodic shouting than the others. Yeah, I think he did a good job. Paula declares that there is “more than one horse in this race.” She must be reading my blog too, just like Ryan. Randy and Paula then try and goof on Simon by trying to guess what horse he would be. I didn't bother to note what their guesses were. Simon actually thinks David could win Idol if this were a purely talent competition. Sadly for Rocker Dude it’s not. Good performance though.

Brooke White, “Let It Be”: Let’s she if she can keep me awake and how much the judges will praise her Sominex like performances. She loves Sgt. Pepper but chooses “Let It Be” instead. She should show some guts and sing “A Day in the Life” or something like that. Right off the bat she’s having pitch problems. The piano’s in tune, even though I can barely hear it. Brooke’s singing remains pitchy until she resorts to shouting like all the otherzzzzzzz. Oh, she’s done. Randy lauds her for taking chances by singing a popular song. This is Beatles music, Dawg; all of the songs are popular. Paula talks about making emotional connections again. I think I need to call the phone company because I’m not receiving these calls. Simon loves Brooke's performance for the third straight week. The judges again think she did better than I did for the third straight week. All this praise causes Brooke to get all Ramiele on us. I think she honestly can’t believe that she’s on this show. I’m having a hard time with that myself.

David Hernandez, “I Saw Her Standing There”: David mentions that he worked at a pizza bistro and was a student at Arizona State. He neglects to mention his “other” job. He took a Beatles class at ASU, confirming what I’ve always suspected about that party school. David goes all Taylor Hicks by running around the audience and loses his breath in the process. The song has kind of a Dave Clark 5 arrangement to it, which demonstrates why Idol is having a Beatles week and not a Dave Clark 5 week. It was OK but the vocal was not as good as some of his previous performances. Somebody’s moving chairs around behind the judges during Randy’s critique, which throws off Paula so much that she was actually critical. The audience is silent, likely in shock. Ryan thinks that David has had a “stressful week” but doesn’t explain why, though perhaps he doesn’t need to. This show is full of hidden messages tonight.

Amanda Overmyer, “You Can’t Do That”: The hair style is more stylish than last week but less wild than two weeks ago. Amanda has never heard this song before this week, but promises to put her special spin on it. That could mean just about anything. This ought to be interesting, but I would expect nothing less from Amanda. She definitely as a unique style and it’s on full display here. She’s back doing that annoying rock scat thing again. It wasn’t much of a singing performance but it was a very spirited show. I think she would have done better if she had sang something more wild like “Helter Skelter” or “Run For Your Life”, but it was still fine. Paula loves that Simon can only understand about 30% of the words. Amanda’s, not Paula’s.

Michael Johns, “Across the Universe”: This song seems to be important to him personally. Let’s see if we can actually hear it in his singing for once. Unlike most of the others tonight he does his song straight. Well what do you know, he actually can sing a little. He does the entire song without shouting a single note. There were a little pitch problems here and there but it was as good as we’ve heard from him so far. It put Randy to sleep though. How he managed to stay awake during Snow White’s performance but doze off here is a mystery to me. Paula lauds his inner confidence, something that Michael seems to have no shortage of. Simon again links him up with Carly and wanted Michael to change up the song like she did. Clearly Simon is going to be comparing Michael to Carly every week until Posing Mate gets tossed out or quits.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Eight Days a Week”: We see the horses again but still no mention of the mixed martial arts. In her video she promises to revise the song into a country number. Boy has she ever. We’ve suddenly switched from American Idol to Hee Haw, complete with about 20 strings and all the twang I can stand. The vocals are OK but the arrangement just threw me off. Way off. This was just wrong. The flying stars on the screen behind her didn’t help, instead it reactivated my vertigo. Paula has nothing positive to say and looks like she’s been shot, leaving Randy as the last judge standing. Again the audience is silent. Simon criticizes Kristy’s performance and the audience boos and jeers. Ryan gets on Simon’s case, with encouragement from Randy and Paula, by reminding Simon that he recommended that Kristy sing songs in a country style and then criticize her when she does. Paula thinks Kristy will be bailed out by her “huge” country fan base, the same one that put her in the bottom two last week.

David Archuleta, “We Can Work It Out”: What a surprise, Wonder Boy gets the closer spot. His Mom is from Honduras, which explains why he sung at a fundraiser there. I was curious. This is the only Beatles song he apparently knows, and it’s only because Stevie Wonder sang it. Sure enough he’s singing the Stevie Wonder arrangement, or at least trying. For the first time we see some chinks in Wonder Boy’s armor, as he’s forgetting a bunch of the lyrics. Either that or his vocal paralysis has come back, since David is replacing these lost lyrics with wheezing breaths. Paula says in her usual understated manner that “it wasn’t his best week.” It was his worst performance by a mile. For the first time one of the judges, Simon of course, actually dares to criticize him. I’m beginning to wonder if there is a semi-final curse or something. A few more performances like that and Wonder Boy will need a new race horse name.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Paula, 7 shots at Simon, 5 shots at The Dawg, and 7 shots at Ryan. 1 Chris Daughtry reference, 1 Kelly Clarkson reference, 1 other reference to a former Idol contestant, and 4 references to a current Idol contestant in someone else’s performance review. 12 goofy race horse names, 4 references to other Beatles’ songs not performed tonight, 3 references to other English performers besides The Beatles, 2 references to other TV shows (3 if you count Indonesian Idol), 3 false props of this year’s talent level (including 1 by Paula that I didn't bother to mention), 1 checked suitcase, no Wings songs, and countless reading between the lines.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: David Cook and Carly Smithson clearly staked their positions as front runners when some of the other race leaders, namely Wonder Boy, Pinoy's Lullaby and Secret Stripper, took a step back. Chikezie Eeze needed a big performance to stay on the show and after hearing all 12 performances I think he might have done just that.

Idol Looks Back: The Starving Starlet may be disappointed that eye candy Luke Menard left and I feel the same about fellow eye candy Kady Malloy, but both of them were clearly riding on their looks alone and were bound to be bounced. Asia'h Epperson's departure was kind of surprising, though I suppose she and her supporters can claim she was a victim of her illness. It wasn't the flu that caused you to make those crappy song choices girlfriend. Danny Noriega's departure was more disappointing than surprising. I'm willing to bet that he would have worn something besides black, white, or grey tonight. Idol's loss is Rosie's cruise ship's gain. I finished the semis with an 8-4 record, and I would as happy as Danny on the gay cruise ship if I can duplicate that performance in the finals.

The Fearless Prediction: If it wasn’t for his big performances in earlier weeks David Archuleta would be a goner, but he still has enough capital, for now anyway, to keep him out of the danger zone. David Hernandez’s stressful week will put him in the Bottom 3 but likely not out. I predict Michael Johns may be joining him on both counts, but for the third straight week I’m predicting that Kristy Lee Cook will be leaving the show. She’s been close to being ousted for the last couple of weeks and her Branson-like performance tonight did her no favors. Plus if she survives I'm not going to pick her next week no matter how Hee Haw her performance is.