I Can Name That Tune in Two Words

Live thanks to my hopefully functional DVR; THIS is the final semi-final edition of American Idol!

This may be the cruelest cuts on the show except for the finale. Whoever goes home here doesn’t get all the extra publicity, the photo shoots, the appearances in the Ford ads, and all the other perks the Top 12 get. Even so, few people remember who the 12th place finisher is after about a nanosecond after it’s announced. To reflect this very serious situation our man Ryan introduces the show with a serious look on his face and a serious tone to his voice. Lives are at stake here people!

Because they have to cram 8 singers in one hour (because they can’t hold up the season premiere of New Amsterdam, a show Fox has been promoting for months), Ryan skips past the contestant intros, the mindless banter with the judges, and reminders of how talented this year’s contestants are. Instead, because it’s 80’s night Ryan reminds us all about how embarrassing our clothes were back then (Speak for yourself girlie man. My clothes back then were normal like those that real men wear). That explains the colorful (and in Paula’s case somewhat revealing) shirts that Paula and Randy are wearing tonight. We’ll also get to hear the most embarrassing moment in each contestant’s lives. How much you want to bet they will all be something lame like forgetting their homework or something.

Luke Menard, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”: Luke dressed up as a ballerina when he was 8. He says his sister made him do it but I don’t know. In the last two weeks we’ve learned that he once dressed as a ballerina and tours with an all boy band. Makes me wonder if David Hernandez isn’t the only one in the competition who has something in common with closets. You know, his voice is well suited for a Wham! song. It’s not bad. It didn’t impress me but it was his best performance so far this season. Randy thought the song choice was “surprising”, which I find “surprising”. Paula surprisingly also thinks the song choice was surprising and then pulls a Randy and name drops George Michael. Apparently she choreographed one of his tours and starts talking about the dolphin shorts. It takes Paula about 10 minutes to say how she felt about this performance. It takes Simon about 10 nanoseconds to say how much he hated it, then we gets lots of bickering about how good a singer Luke is.

David Archuleta, “Another Day in Paradise”: Wonder Boy admits before he sings that he has to take a leak, but that’s not his most embarrassing moment. Instead he talks about how his mom sang for him during a fundraiser in Honduras. Yeah, I can see how embarrassing that can be, especially during a Honduran fundraiser. For the first time he breaks out an instrument, but it only takes him about 10 notes to get on his feet and ditch the piano, much to the delight of the girls in the audience. David knows how to play the camera, think he’s been in front of one before? It was good but safe, kind of like Phil Collins. Paula likes the fact that he missed a couple of notes. Well she outta know having made a career doing exactly that. Simon thinks he’s being too gloomy but that he’ll be in the Final Two. Nobody reacts to this off the cuff prediction. Instead, Ryan and David talk about how Simon finds everything gloomy.

Danny Noriega, “Tainted Love”: I can’t wait to hear what his most embarrassing moment is. The imagination can run wild with this one. Hey, Denise Richards is in the audience tonight. He fell down a flight of stairs in front of one of his “huge crushes”. How disappointing. Surprising perhaps, though Danny doesn’t identify the gender of his crush. His performance is spirited but pitchy. He’s tweaked the arrangement and it’s really showing off his naturally snappy attitude. It was distinctive. Randy thought Danny was “too shy” and Simon can’t believe it. Usually he reacts to just Paula’s comments that way. Randy does explain to Simon that he was only describing his singing style and not his overall personality, which seems to satisfy Mr. Happy. Paula tells Danny to take the purple highlights out of his hair, then immediately backtracks when Danny gasps in shock that Paula said something critical to him. Then she claims she likes it because it’s a singing competition. I can’t make this stuff up. Paula is in full drunk mode tonight. Simon hated everything and Danny’s attitude shows itself, ensuring that he’ll be back next week.

David Hernandez, “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”: David had a pea sized boogar in his nose during a photo shoot. Notice that many of these embarrassing moments are in really unique situations? Photo shoots, charity shows in Honduras, are these people real? It took me a while to recognize the song. What do you know, a dude is trying a Celine Dion song, and he’s acing it. We finally get to hear how good a voice he has. Best of the night so far by a lot. Randy’s getting technical again and losing everyone. Paula lauds his improvement and David declares his love, perhaps attempting to disprove the prevailing rumors about him. He kind of reminds me of Elliott Yamin, who had a good voice and worked harder than anyone in Season 5, good enough to beat out Mom’s favorite Chris Daughtry for a third place finish.

Michael Johns, “Don’t You Forget About Me”: He wants to show off what type of artist he can be, a rock/soul/dance artist. Add country and rap and he’ll have all the bases covered. He got beaten up by four guys while he was dressed as a kangaroo during a rugby match. So his most embarrassing moment was when he was wearing a costume where nobody could see who he was. Well at least someone once beat him up. For the second straight week he starts out well off pitch. He gets better when he stops singing and starts shouting. He sounds just like the dead guy from INXS, something Randy appears to have picked up on as well. Paula loves his vocal strength in the low range, even though he sang most of the song in a high range. If she keeps babbling like this we’ll never get to see New Amsterdam. Simon indirectly refers to Carly Smithson during his complements. She and Michael appear to be joined at the hip in this competition. Apparently not joined at the hip are Paula and Simon, as Paula declares for reasons unbeknownst to all that she would rather leave this planet than be Simon’s sister. I’m afraid that spaceship has already sailed, sister Paula.

David Cook, “Hello”: His performance was delayed because his electric guitar wasn’t working. It appears the stage hands managed to get it fixed just as we come back from the break. But that’s not his most embarrassing moment. He forgot the lyrics to America’s “Tin Man” during a talent show, thankfully not American Idol. I would think singing “Tin Man” would be embarrassing enough. He’s trying a rock arrangement of a Lionel Richie song. Interesting. The vocals were all over the map, but I admire the originality of the arrangement. You would never know it was a sappy ballad. Randy, Paula, and even Simon gush all over his performance. Simon then name drops Lionel Richie, claiming he saw him in a Whole Foods buying cereal.

Jason Castro, “Hallelujah”: Quiet Man’s embarrassing moment is when one of his dreads ripped off during a dinner date. Now that’s probably the first “embarrassing moment” that really would be embarrassing. You know, Jason kind of looks like John Travolta before the weight gain. He’s doing it acoustic but someone else is playing the guitar. He picked the first song tonight that I don’t recognize, though apparently it’s one of Randy and Simon’s all time favorites. Perhaps I need to get out more. It was a well done vocal performance. He’s got a limited range of songs that he can do but what he can do he does well. Paula’s all happy that David took her advice and dropped the guitar, then continues babbling on with more technical mumbo jumbo.

Chikezie Eeze, “All the Woman I Need”: Cheeky apparently peed in the girls’ bathroom at the start of high school. He starts out with a deer in the headlights look, perhaps reliving his most embarrassing moment. The picture disappeared for a few seconds and I thought the DVR crapped out or I was reliving the ending of The Sopranos. His clothes are more contemporary this week, odd for 80’s night if Ryan is to be believed. Like Jason, he’s got a limited range of songs but what he does he does well. He’s missing a few notes here and there but he’s got the Luther R&B thing goin’ on. Paula is all switched up but excited. Once Simon learns Whitney Houston originally sang the song (Cheeky of course did the Luther Vandross version) he goes all negative, prompting the predictable jeers from the crowd.

Paula leaves us all speechless when she describes tonight’s performances in two words: “phe” and “nominal.” I can describe Paula’s performance tonight in two words too: “pla” and “stered”.

The Final Score: 12 slams at Paula (I told you she was in fine form), 5 digs at Simon, 4 digs at Randy, and 5 at Ryan. 1 Chris Daughtry reference, no Kelly Clarkson references, and 1 other reference to a former Idol contestant. 3 somewhat creative nicknames, 2 references to the show following Idol, 2 references to other TV shows besides Idol and Amsterdam, 2 digs at my DVR, 2 namedrops of 80’s singers, 1 namedrop of an 80’s actor, and 2 references to people’s clothing.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: The two David’s both excelled tonight as did Jason Castro. There were fewer blow away performances this week compared to last but as a group the dudes were more solid than last week. I don’t normally reward judges here but Paula Abdul deserves special mention for the display she put on tonight. God help us tomorrow if one of the chicks tries to sing one of her songs from the 80’s.

Idol Looks Back: Not much to add from last Saturday’s post, except that even a deaf person could have predicted Robbie Carrico and Jason Yeager were goners.

The Fearless Prediction: I suspect Luke Menard is a sure goner. He’s been treading on thin ice since the Top 24 and seemed to be riding his looks as far as he can, which would be now. The Starving Starlet thinks he looks like Hugh Jackman and I can see the resemblance, though I was thinking more Kyle McLaughlin during his Twin Peaks days, but of course I'm biased towards Old School (though I did love The X-Men when I was a kid). Either way he's likely toast. Danny Noriega could be in trouble here, much to the dismay of Vote for the Worst, but I’m going to go out on a limb and predict ringer Michael Johns to be the other departure. His performances the last two weeks have been sub par and I just don’t like him, so maybe it’s more wishful thinking then stone cold analysis.