Being For The Benefit of Mr. Jackson

The producers of American Idol apparently want to get their money’s worth out of the king’s ransom that they paid Wacko Jacko, so for the second straight week we get to hear the strains, in more ways than one, of the Lennon/McCartney songbook.

Thus far we haven’t been subjected to the sage advice of performing mentors. This of course robs me of one of my most reliable targets of my wit and humor. Let’s be honest, there is only so many things I can say about Paula Abdul and her wacky, drunken habits. I suppose Paul McCartney would have agreed to appear as a mentor had the Idol producers agreed to call it the McCartney/Lennon songbook instead of the Lennon/McCartney songbook. I bet Ringo Starr would have been happy to appear instead, except that most of the Idol contestants would have likely seen Ringo and asked “Who are you?”

Ryan opens the show by telling us that the Beatles week is back “by popular demand.” Funny, I don’t remember there being a vote on this.

For some reason each of the contestants, especially Wonder Boy, look like they are scared to death while they are being introduced, even though the audience of 500 people are screaming for each of them. The judges, of course, are completely the opposite from the doe-eyed singers. Randy is seen yawning as he is introduced, something that Ryan continues to rag him about instead of going after Simon. Surprisingly, the loudest screams (from the audience, not Ryan) are for Simon. Yes, even louder than the contestants. One blonde chick in the audience thinks Simon is sexy. Obviously she’s a plant.

It sounds like this week the contestants will be allowed to sing any Beatles song, even the ones written by George Harrison and Ringo Starr. Let’s see if anyone upsets Michael Jackson’s mortgage payments and tries a Ringo Starr song. The video intro looks almost exactly the same as the one they played last year for British Invasion Week, even though not a single Beatles song was sang then.

Amanda Overmyer, “Back in the U.S.S.R.”: Up until now she’s been performing on flat bed trucks instead of stages. That’s our Rock and Roll Nurse, keeping it real. This week she’s back to the more subdued semi-regular hair style, so I might need to consider changing her race horse name. Amanda promised to put her own “Southern blues” style (I guess that’s what you would call it, even though she's from Indiana) to it, and she is certainly doing that. However I don’t think she sang a single note. Randy thought it was pitchy. I would think Amanda would have had to actually sang the words in order for them to be pitchy, but then I haven’t worked with Whitney and Mariah so who am I to question The Dawg? Paula wants Amanda to do a “vulnerable ballad”. God help us if Amanda follows that advice. Simon thinks she’s become too predictable by being unpredictable, or something like that. Amanda blows off Simon’s advice and pimps her flat-bed truck show, coming to bar parking lot near you.

Kristy Lee Cook, “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”: I hope Colt 45 sings well or else I’ll be 0-2 with my fearless predictions, because I’m not going to pick her to be voted off this week after getting burned for three straight weeks predicting that she was a goner. Kristy shows us her photo book that she claims is keeping her real. Considering all of the things that she has neglected to tell us in recent weeks, like for example her recording contract, one wonders how effective this photo book can really be. She picked this song for its title only and then claims in her video intro that she will sing it straight rather than go all country. Sure enough, from the first note it’s a different arrangement from the original. Yup, she’s keeping it real all right. She didn’t sing it country style though, so there was some truth to what she said. Kristy instead goes for a Dusty Springfield arrangement, complete with the big boots. Real pitchy too, even more than Amanda’s. Still, it wasn’t a complete train wreck and it didn’t make me dizzy like her performance last week. Randy and Paula both thought it was boring and safe. After three weeks in the bottom 2 I would be safe too. Then again, what does she have to lose? Simon trashes her but concedes that she was better than last week. Kristy claims she can blow Simon out of his socks, but since we haven’t seen that yet so I again question this chick’s credibility. Ryan can’t get over the visual of Simon losing his socks.

David Archuleta, "The Long and Winding Road”: Last week he sang the one Beatles song that he claimed he heard before and it was a total mess. So what’s going to happen, assuming Wonder Boy told the truth of course, when he tries a song that he’s never heard before? What will his Stage Dad do if David messes this one up? Gee whiz, he tells us “The Long and Winding Road” was The Beatles' last hit. Thanks for the history lesson, kid, at least I was alive when it was released. The girls scream whenever he hits a big note, about 15 or so times during the song. David is in decent voice tonight and he remembered all of the words this time, which sends the girls into a frenzy when he’s done. Now I thought it was as safe a performance as Kristy’s, but because he’s Wonder Boy the judges fall over themselves praising David for his masterful performance. I mean, it was alright but it didn’t blow my socks off. Paula loved it for its “purity” and for “rising above adversity”. Oh please, there are contestants on this show whose parents died or in rehab or who were on the verge of elimination multiple times. Wonder Boy only had one bad week and he’s praised for overcoming adversity?

Ryan pulls out an iPhone from the audience, likely a plant, and pimps the phone, iTunes, and the Idol web site all in about three sentences. That’s why this trained seal is getting paid the big bucks.

Michael Johns, “A Day in the Life”: Michael brags about how well he sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” during Hollywood Week. I'll let that go without further comment. Interesting song choice, I wondered if anyone was going to try this song. Michael is back doing the odd hand movements again, and then falls about three keys short on “House of Lords”. The McCartney middle section sounded like Michael was high on weed, which McCartney might have been when he wrote it. Oh what a mess. The only notes he hit were the ones that he shouted. At least he remembered all the lyrics. Randy pointed out that Michael hasn’t quite hit his “vehicle” yet, which makes sense to me despite the odd analogy. Paula thought he was better during rehearsal and postulates that Michael might have been thrown off by reverb from his earpieces, only to discover later that Michael wasn’t wearing the earpieces. Simon gloats about how Paula was just exposed for the drunk that she is, but nevertheless Paula still tries to defend her comment instead of just sliding back in her chair and downing a shot of whiskey. Never mind that the guy’s a pro who undoubtedly worn earpieces while performing before. Simon then declares Michael’s performance to be a mess, which draws a sneer from the poser. No comparisons to Carly though.

Brooke White, “Here Comes the Sun”: Perhaps her ugly yellow dress will keep me awake this week. It would have been perfect had she sang "Golden Slumbers" but sadly she did not. I spoke today with the colleague who Brooke resembles and she doesn’t see the resemblance, but then she’s been out of the country for several weeks so she hasn’t been studying up on Idol like I have. Brooke's performance of “Let It Be” was one of the most memorable moments of her life, proof yet again that she doesn’t have a life. Brooke’s the first one who tries a George Harrison number and twirls on stage between the first and second stanza. See, if pencil girl Kady Malloy had done this during the semis she’d still be gracing us with her presence instead of pouting at home. Brooke’s singing is less pitchy and more personal than last week, a decent if still somewhat sleepy performance. I kind of liked it, so of course all three judges hated it. Yes, even Paula had critical things to say, though the yellow dress wasn’t one of them. Brooke of course agrees with all the criticism. Indeed she’s more critical than they are. I’m just totally missing something here.

Ryan pimps iTunes again, this time from the girly mosh pit at the front of the stage. Not a single boy in sight.

David Cook, “Day Tripper”: He’s going to try the Whitesnake version of the song. Why am I not surprised? I am surprised, though, that there is a Whitesnake version of this song. The mosh pit girls are again screaming with every big note, though none are pulling their tops off so Rocker Dude hasn’t quite reached the rock god status that he aspires to be. David brings back the guitar and then works a voice box into the song even though he’s never used one before. It’s yet another Chris Daughtry-like performance; Paula even tells David the same things she told Chris two years ago. My Mom told me on Sunday that she doesn’t like Rocker Dude despite the resemblance to Daughtry. This is from the person that boycotted Season 6 because she was so upset that Daughtry didn’t win in Season 5. Simon tries to knock David down a peg thinking that his ego has gotten too big. There’s room for only one egomaniac on this show apparently. Ryan comes over and knocks David down with the voice box stand then says that Simon gave him “good advice”. There’s Ryan, standing up for his man.

Paula mocks Simon’s British accent claiming that Simon thinks “Blackbird” used to be called “Sparrow”. The faux accent causes Simon to upchuck his soda. The rest of us just marvel in the wonder that is Paula Abdul. Like the trained seal that he is Ryan soldiers on and name drops Mariah Carey before Randy can. Rumor has it she’ll be one of the mentors this season. I can hardly wait.

Carly Smithson, “Blackbird”: So now we know why Paula and Simon were talking about “Blackbird”, or I guess "Sparrow". Carly’s most memorable moment this season was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. I know that it would be a highlight of my life if someone compared me to her. Carly again shows off her vocal range, and actually puts some life into a rather dull song. Vote for the Worst may hate her but I’m finding it harder and harder to do that. Randy impresses Paula by inventing a word, “coolioest”. Simon again trashes the song choice, and this time instead of sulking Carly comes back and challenges him on it, leaving Mr. Happy momentarily speechless for once. Finally Simon comes back and claims that he feels uncomfortable because Carly thinks of herself as a broken bird. Now that’s just weak. I expected better.

Jason Castro, “Michelle”: Jason learned French just for the song. Ryan learned French just to introduce Jason’. For somebody who has never spoken French he’s got the accent down pretty well. He’s almost laughing as he sings it though, as if he can’t believe what is coming out of his mouth. It’s a little more animated than Quiet Man’s usual performances, though not necessarily better. It was alright, though a little flat. Randy though it was subdued “this time”. Has he been watching this show at all? Paula is now uncomfortable with Jason without the guitar, a 180 degree opposite from her advice from a few weeks ago. This should be a lesson to all the contestants, not even Paula listens to her own advice so neither should any of them. Simon liked his facial expressions but not much else. They were amusing, I’ll give Simon that.

Syesha Mercado, “Yesterday”: Let’s see if last week’s scare puts some life into Syesha’s thus far bland performances. She suggests that it will in her video intro. She has a new hair style at least and brought her Mom and Dad, fresh out of rehab, in from Miami too. Her voice is good but she’s having problems keeping up with the guitarist. Not the band, just a guitarist. The girls in the mosh pit continue to shout after every big note, which on this song is really distracting. Despite the screams from the peanut gallery Syesha manages one of her better performances. She hit all the notes and not a single smile until she was done, and for once we finally saw at least some personality besides the smile. It might even have been good enough to keep her on the show.

Ryan again pimps the iTunes with some old guy, perhaps the only one of the 500 in the audience who is older than me.

Chikezie Eeze, “I’ve Just Seen a Face”: I must admit I’ve never heard of this song before. Cheeky wants to be one of the cool kids and play an instrument even though he’s never played one before. So he went out and bought a harmonica and actually manages to get a few notes out during the song. He starts the song like yet another Luther ballad and then initiates an up tempo country arrangement with the harmonica. After that he should just stick with the singing and forget about being cool. It was quite an interesting performance. Randy thought it was strange. Paula thought Cheeky was showing who he was. Sure, after several weeks of Luther imitations Paula thinks bluegrass country is the real Chikezie. Simon hated the country part and thought that Paula was full of it. Even though there’s still 15 minutes left to the show and only one performer left Ryan doesn’t let Cheeky fire back at Simon (though that didn’t stop Paula from doing so). Again, Ryan is protecting his man.

Oh joy, Idol is doing another songwriting contest again this year. Considering how much last year’s song sucked I hoped that they wouldn’t do it again. Of course it's more material for me so I'm not all that disappointed.

Ramiele Malubay, “I Should Have Known Better”: Since she’s been rewarded the primo closer spot Pinoy's Lullaby better sing a big ole’ ballad or Randy’s going to be all over her again. No, I don’t mean that literally even though The Dawg probably weighs 3 times as much as little Ramiele. Ramiele is seen bonding with all of the other contestants in her video, leading me again to question if she’s swinging from both sides of the plate. Instead of a ballad she tries a little bouncy ditty with lots of swinging shoulders and shaking hips. She does manage to break in a few big notes to get the girls screaming. Not bad, it was better than last week. Randy didn’t trash her this time. Paula, though, still pines for the ballads, which Ramiele promises to do next week if she doesn’t suffer an emotional breakdown on the results show. Simon rips the song choice but holds back a bit after dumping on her last week. I don’t think Mr. Happy was happy with anyone tonight, except for Wonder Boy of course.

Ryan closed the show in his typical manner, but he actually thanked a visibly upset Simon this time. Mr. Happy looked like he would be somewhere else if the Idol producers weren’t paying him millions of dollars to be there and be cranky.

The Final Score: 13 shots at the drunk chick, 7 shots at Mr. Happy, 5 shots at The Dawg, and 10 shots at the ambiguously gay host. 2 references at Chris Daughtry, 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, and 1 other reference to a former Idol contestant (from this season though). 3 pimp spots for iTunes, 3 questions about contestant’s credibility, 2 references to trained seals, 2 plants in the audience (3 if you count the old guy), 1 George Harrison song, no Ringo Starr songs, 1 reference to my Mom, and too many screaming girls.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Like Cheeky last week, Syesha Mercado needed a big performance to stay in the game and she may have pulled it off. Carly Smithson was her steady self. David Archuleta re-established himself as the front runner after last week’s train wreck.

Idol Gives Back: David Hernandez wasn’t the worst singer in this competition or even the worst singer last week, but after his dirty little secret become public he needed to sing like Wonder Boy every week to avoid giving the Idol producers any opening to dump his butt and distance themselves from the Secret Stripper. Sadly for him, he fell short last week and it’s back to the “pizza bistro” for David.

The Fearless Prediction: I can’t predict Kristy Lee Cook will be a goner but there’s nothing that prevents me from putting Colt 45 in the Bottom 3. After talking down her own performance and agreeing with the judges’ criticism I could see Brooke White here as well, just when I was starting to stay awake during her performances. Chikezie Eeze could be back in the relegation zone again, though his performance last week should still be good for at least one more week before he has to worry. Without Kristy I will go with my other Bottom 3 favorite, Michael Johns, as the dude that’ll be voted off tomorrow. And no, if Kristy is voted off instead I’m still going to allow myself the opportunity to predict that Poser Mate will be voted off next week.