Do You Want to Know a Secret

Tonight I’m coming to you from a secret remote location. Dick Chaney is nodding to me from the bar as he plots one final invasion before he retires to the super secret retirement home. We begin tonight with the same tension that filled the air the night before. Which chicks are going to miss out on the Ford commercials? Can the girls match the guys? Will Paula Abdul once again upstage everyone with her mad drunken sailor show (well choreographed of course)? The suspense is killing me…

Unlike last night, Ryan opens the show by engaging the judges in the classic mindless banter. Ryan flummoxes Randy by claiming that he’s been too nice on the contestants this year. Randy says “who, me?” while looking at the judge to his right. Paula wonders why the girls aren’t dressed in weird clothes and make-up, and then claims that she is responsible for popularizing the puffy hair-dos that were so popular back in the 80's. Since nobody besides L.A. Lakers fans knew who Paula was until 1989 she may be taking credit for something that she didn’t do. Either that or all that alcohol has erased most of her memories.

Asia’h Epperson, “I Want to Dance with Somebody”: Asia’h’s embarrassing moment was when fell on her butt while roller skating as an extra in a movie. Again we have another contestant talking about something that 99.99% of the audience cannot relate to. Asia’h going all purple but isn’t singing a Prince song. Instead we get this little Whitney dance number. Paula’s already out of her seat dancing, suggesting that may still be off her medication. Asia’h’s performance was better than the prize fight she went through last week. This one was safe and satisfactory. I miss the attitude, though. One of these nights she needs to break out a Tina Turner number and just blow these other posers away. Randy takes advantage of Asia’h singing a Whitney song to again remind us all that he worked with her. He and Paula both laud her for taking a chance by singing a Whitney song (a running Idol theme now in its seventh year), though Asia’h chose probably the easiest Whitney song in her catalog. At least it wasn’t a song from The Bodyguard. She did look better without the hair extensions though.

Kady Malloy, "Who Wants to Live Forever”: Like Luke Menard she’s been skating by on her looks and needs a big performance to get out of the relegation zone. Let's give the blonde some credit as she admits to Ryan that was convinced last week that she was going home. Once again we see the charming personality on tape as she recalls her embarrassing experience at a talent show when she butchered a Christina Aguilera song and then tripped over a microphone cord when she left the stage. Sensing perhaps that she needs to get serious to stay on the show, Kady goes all serious with this Queen ballad from Highlander. I doubt Britney Spears has ever sang this song. She’s in fine voice but I bet Simon will think it’s too old fashioned, because it’s Britney that he wants from Kady and not the stiff singing that she’s been doing. To my surprise Simon doesn’t use the term old-fashioned but he is apparently still frustrated. I guess he’s off his medication too. Kady still doesn’t understand Simon’s comments about her bland singing personality. Just pose some more, my dear, don’t worry your pretty little head about it. Ryan can’t understand Simon either, or at least is pretending to in order to provoke Mr. Happy or perhaps score a date with Kady. He succeeded with the former but I doubt with the latter.

Amanda Overmyer, “I Hate Myself for Loving You”: She’s ditched the Bride of Frankenstein hairstyle from last week to a more normal look, at least normal for her. For once she looks more like 22 than 42. In true Amanda style her embarrassing moment was leaving an outdoor fireplace going one night and burning down a deck and a pool. She’s singing the original version of the Sunday Night Football theme (the Pink version, not the Faith Hill one) only without the John Madden references, and she’s doing alright with it. Her song choices have been the most interesting ones of any Idol contestant ever. Only Sundance from last season comes close in my book. Amanda is certainly redeeming herself from last week. She still insists on doing that annoying rock scatting thing, though. After positive comments from both Randy and (of course) Paula, Simon is absolutely gushing over how good it was, finally prompting Amanda to actually smile for once.

Carly Smithson, "I Drove All Night": Carly got her leg greased by a drunk friend in a bar, at least that what I think she said. I think getting thrown out of the country when you’ve qualified for American Idol would be more embarrassing than that. Again she’s picked a song I can’t recognize. Maybe it’s from her first album. Her performance is standard stuff for her. She has been pretty consistent since the live shows started, unlike fellow ringer Michael Johns. I like her voice; it has lots of texture and flavor, though I’m having a hard time seeing the colors that Paula claims are there. Paula tries to imitate Randy (literally) and then insults Simon yet again, leaving only about 5 words about Carly’s performance. Simon again doesn’t like the song choice and Carly begs him to tell her what songs he wants her to sing. Rather than directly answer Carly’s question Simon instead babbles on like Paula while claiming to be constructive. Yeah, he’s a poser too.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Faithfully”: She pretended to be a dog when she was 7 years old. Fill in your own joke here because I’m not that cruel. I’ve always wondered how a Journey song would sound if sung by a country singer. Well, no not really, but this does pique my interest. Kristy stays away from Steve Perry’s signature wail until the end and then comes up just short with the notes. It was alright until the end. Randy loves that she did a Journey song because apparently he worked with them too. Paula has nothing but “positivity.” She could consider writing a dictionary. Simon thinks she’ll finish tenth. Kristy’s OK with that, and why not? She’ll get to go on the summer tour if she finishes there.

Ramiele Malubay, “Take a Look at Me Now”: Over the weekend I saw a picture of her squeezing some girl’s melons. Is every contestant this season in the closet? You would think if that were true then their secrets and most embarrassing moments would be more interesting. Ramiele’s secret is that she dropped off her picture at the house of a dude that she liked, only to see the dude’s mother laugh at it. Now that’s more sad than embarrassing. I think she used a Tagalog cuss word or something while talking about the moment. She started out a little shaky, and it sounded like she came this close to missing the second or third lyric but managed to stumble through it. The other parts were OK but it was probably her worst performance of the season. Paula says that she won’t go into colors even though the audience wants her to. The audience’s reaction to this throws Paula completely off her game. She had been acting relatively sober up until this point. Ryan tries to draw out why Ramiele chose that song and she coyly demurs. Apparently our host knows something that we don’t know. However, she is sporting purple highlights like Danny did last night and we see Danny wearing her glasses. I get the impression that our little Ramiele has been linking up with every male contestant on the show, even the effeminate one. I suppose she could be bi, not that there's anything wrong with that.

We come back and find Paula claiming Simon is talking about melons, while Randy claims Simon is talking about yogurt. Simon denies talking about everything. Showing why he’s been paid the big bucks to host this shindig Ryan manages to insert a plug for iTunes in the midst of all this nonsense.

Brooke White, “Love is a Battlefield”: She’s embarrassed to tell us that when she left church one morning when she was little she threw her arms around a guy she thought was her Dad but turns out wasn’t. I’m sorry, that’s not embarrassing, that’s just weak. She should go see an R-rated movie or something. Brooke is going acoustic again, this time with a Pat Benetar classic. Since she can’t belt it out like Benetar it’s probably a good strategic choice. She does a decent job with it but the song is not a good choice for her. It’s a power song and her voice just isn’t that powerful. Paula declares that she doesn’t understand what is going on here, and everyone agrees. She then tries to be critical by suggesting that Brooke should have used the band instead of going acoustic. Simon thinks that it was great that she didn’t and that Paula was too critical, a charge she quickly refutes. Brooke just stands there with that plastic smile of hers. I learn how difficult it is to recap this show without a DVR.

Syesha Mercado, “Saving All My Love for You”: Syesha poses for the camera as we go to break. Yes, she’s a poser too, but in a different kind of way from the dudes. In second grade she wrote a love letter to a secret crush and inserted a stick of strawberry bubble gum inside, only to see the boy rat on her to their teacher while chewing the gum. Secret crushes seem to be a popular theme tonight. She tries a more challenging Whitney tune than Asia’h. She’s hitting the big notes better than Asia’h, but as a whole it was kind of flat. It seemed more like a showcase of her vocal chords than an actual song. The judges, sensing that they are running out of time, keep their comments short and mostly sweet. If I were S-yes-ha I would feel cheated. The judges waste a bunch of time bantering about fruit and colors and thus have no time to say anything about her performance, and then they close the show with even more babbling. Now that I think about it maybe she might feel more relived than cheated.

The Final Score: 11 more shots at Paula (making it 23 for the week), 3 shots at Simon, 4 shots at Randy (I think that’s the first time there’s been more for Randy than Simon, though he’s got a long way to go to catch Paula), and 4 shots at Ryan. No references to Chris Daughtry or Kelly Clarkson. Only 2 references to other former Idol contestants, though I noticed that my last post made it on to one of the Elliott Yamin fan club sites (hi guys, welcome). 2 Whitney songs, 1 reference to a Whitney movie, 1 reference to a Christopher Lambert movie, 2 more Britney references (which if my prediction below is correct may be the last ones for this season), 2 embarrassing moments that involve secret crushes, and 1 reference to the Vice President of the United States.

Your Three Stars of the Night: For the second straight week the chicks as a group were rather bland. Amanda Overmyer was good, Carly Smithson was alright, and again the judges thought Brooke White was better than I thought she was. The rest were just OK.

Idol Looks Back: Again, not much to add from what I wrote over the weekend. I still think it’s a shame that Alaina Whitaker was voted out this early, though my outrage is far from what I felt last year when Melinda Doolittle got voted off the show before the finale.

The Fearless Prediction: Like the judges with Syesha I'll keep this short, but not as sweet. Last week I thought Kristy Lee Cook was a goner and Kady Malloy thought she was a goner and neither one of them really excelled tonight relative to their competitors, so I fearlessly predict that both blondes will be goners this week.