The Final Voyage of Captain Jack Sparrow

We have finally reached the grand finale of Season 9 and not a moment too soon. Every year at this time I feel like it has been years since the first audition shows back in January. Funny that time never seems to run that slow for everything else in my life. If time flies if you have fun, what does that say about this show? I am afraid to learn the answer...

For the first time since I began recapping Idol back in Season 5, I believe that the final 2 contestants were truly the best 2 performers this season. In past seasons there was usually at least 1 contestant in the finale who was there because of looks, or age, or gender, or anything else besides singing. Since this is supposed to be a singing competition it is comforting to see that the producers and the tweener chicks finally got it right this time.

“What does it take to be an Idol?” we are asked to start the show. “Is it just luck, or is it something else?” Well, there is looks, age, gender... You get the idea. 7,000 screaming family, friends, and tweener chicks are in the Nokia Theater at LA Live for this season’s final show. Trained Seal strides down the stairs imported from the old studio and marvels that tonight’s finalists both came from the Chicago auditions, both are 24 years old, and both are “in it to win it.” Ryan also acknowledges that this week is Captain Jack’s final week on the show, which gets acknowledged again and again throughout the program. Funny how there were no similar acknowledgements and tributes for Drunk Chick when she left the show last season.

Speaking of the Angel of Death, rumor has it that Paula will make a return appearance during tomorrow’s results show as part of an all star tribute to Captain Jack’s bon voyage. Didn't Drunk Chick appear on Barbara Walters’ show last year and claim that Simon was part of the vast Idol conspiracy to discredit her and drive her to drinking? And now she is coming back to say goodbye to him? Perhaps it is also to promote her new CBS dance reality show that will debut next year. That is all we need, another goofy dance show across the hall.

Tonight the two finalists will actually have to sing three songs instead of two. Song one is their favorite from this past season, song two is chosen by unseen uber producer Simon Fuller, and the last song is one that will be their first recorded single/slave task for uber producer Clive Davis. In past seasons the final two also had to sing a song of their choice that was always a song they had already sang this season, but this is the first time that Trained Seal actually admitted that they had to choose a song they had already performed rather than leave it as an implied coincidence. Must be because Simon is leaving. Another welcome change is that the last song is not the weak winner of a goofy songwriting contest nor is it a weaker song written by Horny Chick, the song writing expert. Instead it is an actual song recorded by actual artists that will be subjected to the same karaoke treatment that every other song sung this season has been subjected to. I can only imagine what special things the producers will do when Big Sexy finally decides to get out of his chair and start his own reality competition with a three judge panel.

Alright, let’s get this started. The phone lines are open for 4 hours tonight and my goal is to complete this recap before the lines are closed, in case there is someone out there who is actually paying attention.

Lee DeWyze, “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel, from Idol Gives Back Week: Tonight instead of Coca-Cola interviews from Trained Seal we get Coca-Cola videos featuring the parents. Lee’s parents tell us that he wanted to be a shortstop when he was a kid but after getting a guitar all he wanted to do was sit around and write songs, some of which his parents still have. That is so sweet; they probably have them taped up to the refrigerator. Lee starts the song very slow and subdued and he more or less stays there for the entire song. His vocal was just OK except for the second verse where the phrasing seemed sloppy to me. I seem to recall his first attempt at this song was better. Big Sexy, wearing his traditionally purple finale coat he stole from Prince’s closet, utters 5 yos and thought it was nice but not very energetic and gets booed for his troubles. Chicken Little E could not be prouder if she had given birth to Lee. It truly is a different world, isn't it? Horny Chick agrees with Randy but does not get booed because she thinks Lee is meaningful and believable. Captain Jack expected more emotion and, in his final analogy of his Idol career, compared it to a kiss on the cheek when he was expecting a kiss on the lips, though of course not from Lee. The producers turn on the bumper music to cut Captain Jack off from saying anything more candid and personal.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin, from Top 11 #1 songs week from so long ago: In her Coca-Cola video Crystal’s dad talks about how she started singing after rummaging through his closet looking for Christmas presents and finding his guitar instead. Good thing he stashed his Playboys somewhere else. Crystal also talks about how her first gig was in a coffee house in a mall, the first of thousands of appearances in coffee houses all over the upper Midwest. Crystal’s acoustic start seemed a bit rushed, though she seemed to get more on pace when the audience started their now customary overhead clapping. Crystal is verrrry sloooooowly building up to the big screaming finish, but when she finally got there Crystal poured on the emotion. That alone puts here ahead of sleepy Lee. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, repeats what I said about the slow build up, but thought it was “dope, dude.” Crystal too is just one of the guys. Chicken Little E thinks that Crystal is compelling and stunning. Horny Chick thinks Crystal told us so much about what type of artist she will be, which is convenient since Horny Chick could not figure out what type of artist any of these contestants should be. Captain Jack thinks Crystal has not been herself for the past month but that she finally went back to the type of artist that he fell in love with way back when.

Lee DeWyze, “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M., chosen by Simon Fuller: The tweeners, perhaps sensing a potential rout in the making, start screeching for Lee right from the first note. Again, Lee is more or less in tune though slightly off pitch, though he is more spirited than his first performance. Again the producers send out a choir to help boost Lee’s confidence and hide his singing voice. Is it just me, or is Lee’s voice weaker now than it has been this season? I hope his nerves are not acting up again after spending the last 3 months trying to suppress them. Again, it was just OK. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, compliments Lee for showing more emotion, and declares that Lee pulled it together after starting out pitchy. No boos this time. Chicken Little E doesn't care that Lee went off a couple of times because it is all about the performance. She finally has an actual criticism when she tells Lee that he kept building up the emotion but kept pulling back too soon, something Horny Chick probably knows all too well. Horny Chick did not think this was Lee’s best vocal but she still feels emotionally accessible to Lee, right after Casey dumped her because of his elimination. Captain Jack thought the other Simon made a brilliant song choice but that Lee was off the melody at times. He thinks Lee is getting nervous again and all but begs him to sing better when he does his last song.

Crystal Bowersox, “Black Velvet” by Allanah Myles, also chosen by Simon Fuller: The other Simon must not have turned on a radio since the 80’s given his song choices. Crystal starts the song at the top of the stairs and actually manages to make it down while wearing high heels and singing at the same time. She might be chewing gum too. Crystal is in full sassy mode, abandoning the coffee house emo for lots of shouting, including not one but two big screams reminiscent of her former roommate Siobhan Magnus. Still, it is clear that she is giving it all she has left. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 2 “mamasoxes,” and thinks she is in it to win it again. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about Cher and costume changes. Horny Chick thinks that tonight “is the night to kill yourself on that stage.” Somewhere in Fox Tower there is probably a programming exec who right now is calculating the ratings boost a live suicide would bring. Thank goodness that Crystal doesn't follow the judges’ advice because I would be really sad to see her go that way. Captain Jack talks about how much he hates this song because of all of the Idol auditioners who have butchered it over the years, so he is really impressed with how well Crystal nailed it. Trained Seal gets Crystal to admit that she is shaking on stage but also allows her to send a shout-out to the folks way in the back, over by the Staples Center.

Lee DeWyze, “Beautiful Day” by U2: This is supposed the song that Lee will first record if he wins the competition, though Trained Seal neglects to mention who selected the song. I guess it depends on how well Lee sings it. If he sings it well it was Clive Davis’ choice, if he does not then it was clearly Lee’s choice. This time instead of a choir Lee is surrounded by an army of standing violinists, though as usually I cannot hear any of them over the rest of the band. This is a song with some very difficult phrasing, especially at the beginning, and Lee is struggling with it big time. Lee is also struggling with finishing his verses, almost as if he has forgotten the words. His pacing around the stage is not helping his efforts. He is trying very hard to fit this song within his style and it is not quite working very well. Lee finally settles down when he gets to the chorus when he stops walking and starts shouting. Not quite the high note finish he and his tweener fans were hoping for though. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, admires Lee for walking out of his comfort zone by walking and singing at the same time, and admires Lee’s groovy “’strong big rock voice.” Chicken Little E wonders how Lee feels and thinks he is fully present. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Lee of getting lost in the song and quickly tries to stop the booing by talking about how much Lee has grown this season and deserves to be in the finale. Captain Jack quickly mentions that Lee made the most as he could with the song, and then he just wants to say that it was because of guys like Lee that American Idol was created; well that and all the money American Idol has put in Captain Jack’s pockets. Trained Seal asks Lee for his final thoughts, and Lee bumbles a bit about how he wants to do this for the rest of his life.

Crystal Bowersox, “Up to the Mountain (MLK Song)” by Patty Griffin: After two shouting numbers Crystal closes the show with a slower, acoustic song with her signature guitar. The producers finally allow someone else besides Lee to use the choir. One of these days the producers will actually turn on their microphones. There is some shouting from Crystal in this song as well but not as much as the other two performances. As usual Crystal stays in tune and on pitch and closes the season with a tear in her eye. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought it was one of the greatest performances ever. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is unique and unlike any contemporary artist in the business. I guess Ellen has not been to a coffee house recently. Ellen also promises to not only buy Crystal’s album but to buy any salad she would make too. Horny Chick thinks Crystal was amazing because she finally brought down the emotional wall she built around herself and started shouting instead. Horny Chick loves the screaming chicks. Before he has a chance to say anything Crystal thanks Captain Jack for his criticisms and for his service to Queen and country. Captain Jack declares this performance to be the best of the night, and in his final American Idol critique ever Simon says “that was outstanding” and nothing more. Trained Seal asks Crystal to sum up her ride this season, and Crystal is beside herself, and Ryan, and says that she is now ready for anything.

Trained Seal closes the show by admitting that he will miss his bromantic partner Simon and that the show would not be here without him. For example, Trained Seal would be a morning DJ somewhere in Ohio or something instead of the multi-millionaire media mogul he is today. This season’s flashback video is accompanied by the goodbye song by British Pop Idol winner Will Young. Sadly the producers show us more of the audience and Will than the video. Even the pants on the ground guy gets the shaft.

Next week the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen gets this time slot. Don’t worry, my sweet, I won’t be recapping it.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon (who I will miss even more than Paula ;-(; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 6 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (plus the choir), 6 shots at the audience, and 3 shots at the other Simon. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers, and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola video treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 1 name drop, 1 K-word utterance, 12 yos from Big Sexy, 2 Mamasox utterances, 2 uber producers, 2 coffee house references, 2 instances of walking and singing at the same time, 1 suggested suicide, 1 more goofy dance show, 1 final Captain Jack analogy, another choir appearance, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal brought her A-game tonight and outclassed Lee on all three rounds. Usually Captain Jack declares a winner after each round but out of respect for Lee he refrained from even coming close to do so tonight. He is so ready to leave.

Idol Gives Back: Thank you to all of the cougars who finally realized this is a singing competition and not a Mr. America pageant, or else you might not be reading this right now. Not that Casey was that bad of a singer, but he was nowhere near the same class of singer as either Crystal or Lee. I feel better now that the poser is gone.

The Fearless Prediction: Based on tonight’s performances alone Crystal should be the clear winner, but then there is the tweener chick and cougar vote to contend with and judging from the screeches in the audience they seem to favor the dude over the chick, similar to what they have been doing all season. And if you have been following my blog all season you know how bad I have been at predicting how they think. So rather than try and read their minds I am instead going to go with my gut and predict that Crystal Bowersox will be the American Idol for Season 9.