Somethin' Stupid

I came in from a long running dinner meeting at 10 PM, so to avoid seeing Craig Ferguson again tonight and multiple cups of coffee tomorrow I’m going to try and keep this recap short and sweet. Yeah, right.

Trained Seal declares Siobhan’s departure last week a “wake-up call,” not to the other contestants, but to you for not voting enough to keep your favorite on the show. You see, just like global warming, illegal immigration, and the popularity of Miley Cyrus this is all your fault.

Tonight’s theme is the songs of Frank Sinatra, “the original American Idol” according to Trained Seal. And once again the King gets dissed, though I can see Ryan’s point this time. The Chairman’s daughters Nancy and Tina are in the house tonight and presented a monogrammed hanky to Captain Jack, who unbeknownst to me is apparently a big Sinatra fan. Anthony Hopkins and Ron Reiner are also in the house, though only Hopkins gets a shout-out from Trained Seal.

Tonight’s tormentor is Harry Connick, Jr., and finally there is a tormentor that matches the theme. Oh yeah, I forgot about Shania Twain already. After all, Harry has been imitating Sinatra his entire career, so who else would be able to tell the contestants how to give Sinatra songs the karaoke treatment? Harry gets the star treatment all night. He gets to say “this...is American Idol,” he gets to descend the stairs, and his band gets to play for the contestants instead of Ricky and the boys. Trained Seal thinks Harry is a “true renaissance man” and also dares to mention Harry’s acting career. I have to say, though, that Harry scored some points tonight for being the first tormentor to give technical advice and for taking a shot at Shania Twain for not working as hard as he has for this show. Harry also made all of the arrangements tonight so the judges cannot trash the contestants for that. We’ll see if they trash Harry instead.

Aaron Kelly, “Fly Me to the Moon”: Aaron starts the song very slowly as he tries to turns this jazzy number into another sleepy ballad from High School Musical. He only partially succeeds but he deserves props for trying. He starts wheezing like David Archuleta once did; I am not sure if it is because Aaron is trying too hard, or if he is sick again, or I only now noticed it. It was OK but kind of dull. Big Sexy utters 2 wows but no yos and thinks Aaron is in it to win it. Chicken Little E strains to make the first of three jokes about Harry’s piano playing and is happy that Aaron did not sound like country. I still cannot remember when he ever did. Horny Chick gets booed for saying that Aaron was better last week and does not have enough charisma, though she claims she is not being negative. Captain Jack says that Aaron is a mouse compared to Sinatra the lion but admires how hard he is trying to sound like an actual singer.

Casey James, “Blue Skies”: Harry admonishes Casey to not screw things up as we come out of the break. On the spot mentoring, no wonder Harry is getting special treatment. Casey reveals during his Coca-Cola treatment that he passed up a gig at the Circle M to be here tonight. Once he starts singing, Casey finally sounds at least somewhat like the blues singer he claims to be. However, his pitch is all over the place, kind of like the pitcher Charlie Sheen played in Major League. “Just a bit outside.” (Get well soon Mr. Baseball). When finally forced to actually sing instead of pretending to be a rock star poor Casey is finally exposed for the poser that he is. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and agrees with me that Casey was pitchy and sang his worse performance to date. Chicken Little E gets booed for thinking that Casey was very stiff. Not for you sweetheart. Not for Horny Chick either, especially after she points out the goat vibrato that Vote for the Worst has been making fun of since January. Captain Jack is uncomfortable and creates an uncomfortable moment by making a joke about how Casey will at least have a gig next week. Casey at least admits to Trained Seal that he felt uncomfortable the entire time.

Crystal Bowersox, “Summer Wind”: Crystal says that she chose this song for personal reasons that neither Harry nor Trained Seal were able to get out of her. Crystal is keeping it subdued this time, more Janis Ian and less Janis Joplin. Not her best but not bad either, very soft and nuanced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought it was a little sleepy. Chicken Little E is still impressed even though she thought Crystal tried to swallow every word. Horny Chick only kind of liked it, but then she is only kind of an expert on singing. Captain Jack thought it was too indulgent and expected more from Crystal. I guess now Simon thinks its OK to tee off on Crystal since her chances of getting voted off are less since she is the only chick left. Crystal takes a back handed shot at Horny Chick by stating that she does not feel like she has to sing really big notes just because she is on Idol.

Michael Lynche, “The Way You Look Tonight”: Trained Seal asks Michael during his Coca-Cola treatment whether he will be in his element tonight, and of course Big Mike is sure that he is. So does Harry. Michael is styling and profiling a Sinatra-like chapeau tonight. Big Mike may be in his element after all. His phrasing is good and he is performing it well, though the singing is just OK. Big Sexy wakes up from his nap and throws out 5 yos and the gauntlet. Chicken Little E thought he sounded the part. Horny Chick thinks Mike found the drama in the song without losing himself in it. I lost myself trying to understand that comment. Captain Jack thinks Mike is back in the groove and his performance was the best of the night so far.

Lee DeWyze, “That’s Life”: Lee is clearly Harry’s favorite as Lee reminds Harry of himself and Harry’s wife thinks Lee is cute. And all this time I thought Casey had the cougar vote locked up. Harry gives the song a gospel sound from the organ instead of the piano, and Lee is singing the song like the son of a preacher man. Speaking of which, when will Idol have a Dusty Springfield night? Lee gets a bit off pace from the band but he is finally showing some personality. The singing was his usual pretty good. Lee gets 2 yos from Big Sexy and 1 from Harry. Chicken Little E takes 1 final shot at Harry and Harry shoots back by telling her to stop it right now. Ellen also thinks that if tonight were the finale Lee would win it. Sadly for both Ellen and Lee, hell all of us really, the finale is not for another month and the tweeners have yet to decide which dude they are going to back. Horny Chick asks Lee if he really thinks he can win this competition, and after Lee gives only a half-hearted “yes” in reply Kara gives him a homework assignment to write down “I think I can win this thing” 100 times. Captain Jack credits Harry for bringing out Lee’s personality and thought Lee’s performance was the best of the night “so far.” I got news for you Simon, this season may not be over but this show is and it’s time for Glee.

Craig’s on my TV screen so it will be a venti latte tomorrow for me. Maybe two.

The Final Score: 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 7 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 7 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 6 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 5 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band (because they had the night off), 2 shots at the audience, and 9 shots at Harry Connick, Jr. the tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 14 references to other non-Idol performers, and no references to Drunk Chick Paula; though I’m sure I’ll have a comment about her being the Angel of Death again when we get to the Final 3. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 10 yo’s from Big Sexy, 3 shots at the tormentor by Chicken Little E, Sharks 4, Red Wings 3 (in OT), Lakers 111, Jazz 103, 2 props for the Circle M, 2 uncomfortable moments, 2 movie references, 1 gift, 1 Sinatra chapeau, 1 homework assignment, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee and Michael were both in the zone tonight and pretty much in their element. Lee is reminding me of Elliott Yamin more and more each week. Crystal was better than the judges thought she was, so she gets the third star ahead of Aaron, who was not as good as the judges thought he was.

Idol Gives Back: I do not know if I am surprised as much as I am disappointed that Siobhan was sent packing last week. She had such an interesting personality and was the best singer. Too bad she listened to Horny Chick and went back to screaming last week. But will Kara admit that she screwed Siobhan up by pushing her to scream like she was giving birth on stage? Of course not, because Horny Chick is a trained professional and trained professionals cannot be wrong.

The Fearless Prediction: There were two strong performances, two OK performances, and then there was Casey. Even if Crystal and Aaron were only marginally better Crystal is the only chick left and Aaron is the only teenager left. There are also too many dudes left to stop the tweener chick vote from being split up, so I gladly predict that Casey will be playing at the Circle M next Tuesday night. And we will never know what was in his box.