Why'd You Come In Here Lookin' Like That

My apologizes for the lateness of this decision. I had some obligations to my paying customers to satisfy first. Fortunately though, the DVR worked and I am ready to issue my report to you all. I know, exciting, isn’t it?

Normally I would be excited about having a mentor to bash, but I’m not sure how I can bash Dolly Parton. It seems so unseemly, like trying to bash Tony Bennett or something. If it were 20 years ago, sure, Dollywood would be easy pickings, but after surviving in the music business for as long as she has it just doesn’t seem right. Then again, I was rather ruthless on Barry Gibb last year, at least according to my sister.

Ryan makes a lame attempt at an April Fool’s joke to open the show, which the girls in the peanut gallery buy into big time until Ryan lumps both The Moment of Truth and Simon in it. The Dawg loves that Ryan called him Legendary. Again Simon gets the biggest screeches, I mean cheers. Dolly bonds with the contestants and tells them that she figured out the rhythm of “9 to 5” by clicking her acrylic nails. Sadly no one tried this song or this musical instrument tonight.

Brooke White, “Jolene”: Brooke tells Dolly that she is ready to do some picking. This would have such a different implication if Ramiele had said this instead. Dolly admires Brooke’s honesty but says little about her vocal ability. Brooke did admit on national television that she has never seen an R-rated movie, so perhaps Dolly is on to something here. Brooke ditches the band and sings only with a fiddle player and some dude thumping on what sounds like a drum but looks like a speaker. She starts out a little pitchy and only gets a little better in tune as she went along. In other words, standard Brooke, though it was lively enough to keep me awake this time. It was alright, so the judges will likely hate it. Sure enough, Randy is critical. Of course Brooke thanks him for the criticism. Paula thinks Brooke is what record producers want. Now that’s advice that Brooke can trust, coming from someone who was dropped by her record label. Simon, an actual record producer, bemoaned Brooke’s lack of emotion, which prompts an emotional response from Brooke. Simon tries to continue his criticism only to be drowned out by both Paula and the bumper music.

David Cook, “Little Sparrow”: Rocker Dude gets the Coca-Cola interview. Ryan asks him how he determines his arrangements. David claims that he does a lot of research online. I would give David credit for being honest if only he had admitted that one of the sites he copies from is http://www.daughtry.com/. He’s going to take a chance and do his own arrangement. Is Rocker Dude trying to prove something? The Idol hairdresser went wild with the blow drier this week, which Paula absolutely loves. Rocker Dude is not as pitchy as Snow White but he missed a few notes here and there. It too was alright but not one of his best. He might consider going back to copying Chris Daughtry again. Simon brings up the sparrows again, complimenting Rocker Dude for doing a “good” job with a song about these annoying little birds. Maybe I should consider changing Simon’s nickname to Captain Jack Sparrow.

Ramiele Malubay, “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”: “Finally someone my size,” Dolly declares as little Ramiele walks in for the rehearsal/mentor session. Ramiele is the only singer that Dolly gets to look down to (I thought about a breast joke here but it’s late and I can’t think of a polite one). Pinoy’s Lullaby stays away from the lullabies again, even after promising Paula last week that she would sing one this week. Much of the song is flat. It is on tune and on pitch, but outside of maybe three or four brief spots there were no big notes from the little girl. Once again, it was safe. Ramiele was scared to sing in front of Dolly and it appears she was scared to sing in front of the crowd too. Doesn’t bode well for the summer tour or for her chances of winning. Paula declares that she is proud of Ramiele for connecting with the audience and having fun and of course says nothing about her singing, because as we all know this is a singing competition. Simon declares it to be forgettable and cruise ship like, hmmmm. I think both the dude judges are all but begging little Ramiele to sing some big notes, but for some reason she’s doing her best to stay away from them. Perhaps she wants to get voted off so she can join BFF Danny Noriega on Rosie’s gay cruise. She looked good tonight, though.

Jason Castro, “Travelin’ Thru”: He too gets the Coca-Cola interview. Ryan asks Jason about all the post cards that he got from the same girl, whose tension is melted away by Jason’s laid back style. I would guess Quiet Man has that effect on a lot of people, though I would never have imagined that he would attract a stalker. Dolly thinks that Jason is going “outside of himself” with this song, we shall see about that. He is not sitting on a stool so it is a little different. It does sound like he’s trying to be livelier but still it sounds like he’s had a few doobies with Dolly before the show. It was fine, nothing spectacular; it was better than last week. Paula is in love. You can see it in her eyes. Maybe it was Paula that Jason shared his grass with before the show. Simon is in full hate mode and again Paula can’t believe the words coming out of Captain Jack’s mouth. What show has she been watching all this time?

Carly Smithson, “Here You Come Again”: Finally, a song that I recognize. Carly tweaks the arrangement and turns it into a ballad. See, Ramiele, this is how you’re supposed to do it, only you’re supposed to hit more notes than Carly is doing. She belts out a big note at the end to try and hide all the ones that she missed. The arrangement was good but the singing could have been better. Nevertheless Randy and Paula loved it. Paula can’t believe how great it was. She then goes after Randy for criticizing Carly last week, declaring multiple times that Carly was “on pitch”. Randy wants to avoid talking about the past and can’t believe how much Paula is on him. Neither can Carly, who agreed with Randy that she was pitchy. It took about 10 minutes before Simon says a word. Captain Jack thought it was good but not great and draws jeers from the crowd. He then criticizes Ringer Girl’s wardrobe, which draws Paula back out of her seat and away from the Dawg, much to Randy’s relief. Ryan seems especially hard in asking why Simon is being so critical, much more than usual and much like Paula was with The Dawg. Paula can’t believe that anybody can criticize the wonder that is the Ringer Girl.

Carlos Santana is doing Macy’s commercials now? With Mariah Carey and Donald Trump and Martha Stewart? Now I’ve seen everything. Next thing I’ll know he’ll be pimping iTunes.

David “EEEEK” Archuleta, “Smoky Mountain Memories”: It’s a song that gives David chills and reminds him of his home. I'm not quite sure why since he's from Utah. Well there are mountains in Utah, though with all those Mormons I don't know if anyone in Utah is a smoker. It finally occurred to me, Wonder Boy is too polished. He’s got a great voice but it’s just so professional. Still, it was pretty good, best of the night so far at least. David’s Stage Dad is so proud. The girls in the front row are ready to collapse in excitement. Gee whiz, even Simon loved it. “We love you!” shouted about 20 girls in the front as Ryan reads off the phone number. OhmyGod! Blake Lewis is at home probably thinking if there was a mosh pit full of tweener girls last year he would have won the damn thing instead of that teenager.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Coat of Many Colors”: If Kristy Lee doesn’t ace this then she should go home right now. She got about 2/3 of the way through the song before she took a breath. To go along with the song theme Kristy performs the song barefoot. It was a standard country like performance, which is a good thing for country week. Probably her best performance to date. Paula surprisingly agrees with me. Simon unsurprisingly doesn’t, though he did find it pleasant. I guess Simon likes the patriotic stuff instead. Those crazy Brits, who did we fight the Revolutionary War against again? If you’ve been watching John Adams you would know. Kristy Lee declares her love for Captain Jack as we go to break, then thanks Ryan for saying “I Will Always Love You.”

Syesha Mercado, “I Will Always Love You”: Sorry Kristy Lee, Ryan was only announcing the next song. We all know that his interests are elsewhere anyway. If Michael Johns had been standing there instead of Kristy Lee then I might think otherwise. Ryan then visits with Vanna White in the audience. Oh yeah, this is supposed to be Syesha’s critique. Gee, what a surprise, Syesha is singing the Whitney Houston version of the song. About the 30th time this song has been done on Idol, and about the fourth time Syesha has done a song like this. It is at least her second Whitney song, though it seems like that is all she does. You would think after being in the bottom 2 last week when she essentially did the same thing that Yes in Her Name might try something else. She ends the song with a big note to get the crowd off their feet, though Paula’s still sitting down. Hey, Paula is also saying something about someone’s voice for once. The boy judges thought it was alright but paled in comparison to Whitney, which is about the 30th time both Randy and Simon have each said this.

Michael Johns, “It’s So Wrong But It’s So Right“: Poser Mate is Poser the Closer tonight. He reveals that the first concert he ever went to was a Dolly concert in 1986. Dolly thinks he must have been a baby then, forgetting that Michael is a 29 year old ringer. Apparently Michael is a closet Dolly fan. He learned his lesson from last week and starts shouting from the first note all the way to the end. It’s a nice little rock ballad arrangement and one of his better performances. The guitarist is happy because he is getting a lot of screen time tonight. Paula has to talk fast because it’s 9 o’clock and then she slows way down. Half way through her rambling praise we run out of time as my DVR stops. Neither Chef Ramsey nor Simon will be pleased.

The Final Score: 10 shots at Paula, 7 shots at Captain Jack Sparrow, 5 shots at Randy, 4 shots at Ryan, and 4 shots at Dolly Parton. 2 Chris Daughtry references, no Kelly Clarkson references (though with Idol Gives Back airing next week there should be at least one then), 2 references to other former Idol contestants and 3 references to former and/or future Idol mentors. 3 iTunes plugs, 2 game show celebrities, 2 Dolly Parton songs that I recognized, 2 Coca-Cola interviews, 1 historical figure, 1 Hollywood figure, and only 8 critiques from Simon for the 9 contestants.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Archuleta was his usual self, David Cook did alright, and Michael Johns is finally starting to show why the Idol producers maneuvered to get him on the show.

The Fearless Prediction: Carly Smithson is starting to show why the Idol producers should not have maneuvered to get her on the show and instead why her album tanked, so I suspect that she may be back in the Bottom 3 and those uncomfortable stools this week. I think she took a step backward. I’m tired of picking Brooke White and Kristy Lee Cook to be here so I will go with Ramiele Malubay instead. Syesha Mercado needed to do something to stand out and I’m not sure that singing a Whitney song done over and over again by as good or better singers will help. So my prediction is that S-yes-ha will be back doing commercials in Miami after tomorrow night.

Yeah, the chicks pretty much sucked tonight. Now I really miss Amanda Overmyer.