It's No Longer a Song, It's a Testimony

Remember back when the Top 5 had to sing 2 solo songs? Ever since Fox gave up on this show and wanted to instead save time for other shows like Fringe and Glee the Idol contestants have not been tested like their predecessors were. Another thing that has not been tested since then has been my endurance, having to listen to and recap twice as many songs. So perhaps I do not miss it that much after all.

Tonight’s theme is songs from the movies. When this was the theme last year I commented that it was a sign that the show may have jumped the shark. But then I made this claim: “I guess one can argue that this show is immune to shark attack, at least until Drunk Chick or Captain Jack leave Idol.” American Idol, meet Jaws.

Trained Seal begins the show by talking about dreams and how the movie theme is fit for someone who wants to be a star. I am wondering which show he is talking about. “And who better to help us, “ Trained Seal tells us, than tonight’s tormentor Jamie Foxx, a man with a “career without boundaries” and apparently a multi-platinum recording artist. I learned something new today. Jamie is also a repeat from last season when he mentored the students on songs from the Rat Pack since, as I noted at the time, Harry Connick Jr. was apparently not available. Oh the irony. At least tonight’s theme is a better fit for Jamie this time.

Seems like this week’s recap is also going to be a repeat like the theme and tormentor, doesn't it?

Lee DeWyze, “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal, from Batman Forever: I did not know that this song was in a Batman movie. I've learned two things now in the span of 5 minutes. Jamie gets in Lee’s grill like he did to Danny Gokey last season, which Captain Jack thought did wonders for the widower. Let’s see if the same magic works for Lee. Starting out it does not seem that way, as Lee is very pitchy. To make matters worse he missed his one falsetto note. His pitchiness stays there for pretty much the rest of the song, though when he shouted the chorus it was a little better. Still, it was perhaps his worse performance in several weeks. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, points out the pitchiness, thought he did nothing with the song, and still finds time to name drop Bon Jovi. He also gets booed twice. Chicken Little E still thinks Lee is great even though she kind of sees what Randy is talking about. Horny Chick gets interrupted by a couple of tweener chicks who shout out “we love you Lee!” That did not seem to help Aaron when they shouted that at him. It might have been the same chicks. After acknowledging the pleas for a date Horny Chick thinks Lee got lost and out of tune while singing a difficult song but like Chicken Little E she still thinks Lee is great. Sounds like the chicks are trying to solicit the sympathy vote that got Casey through last week. Captain Jack agrees with Randy and gets booed too. He also thought the performance verged on karaoke and a little plastic bird drops down from above. And suddenly I am channeling Dennis Miller, but I could be wrong.

Michael Lynche, “Will You Be There” by Michael Jackson, from Free Willy: Michael admits in his Coca-Cola treatment that he is feeling the pressure from his family and from his city, since next week the remaining contestants get the star treatment and keys to the city from their hometowns. He also says that his goal has been to reach the Top 3, something Chicken Little E gets on his case about afterwards. Jamie dances and spares with Mike just to show that he is a man. Jamie has “contestant” and “artist” T-shirts for each contestant, and whichever one he thinks they are is the one he gives them. Mike is the only one that gets a “contestant” T-shirt, which he refuses to accept, just like he has been refusing to accept any of the judges’ comments this season. Mike starts with a decent low register, and then settles into a safe and predictable groove. It was better sung but not performed as well as Big Mike usually does. Big Sexy utters 5 rapid yos and wonders why Mike did not predictably choose another R&B number. Chicken Little E strains to make a Free Willy joke and says that you can’t go wrong with a choir backing you up, all 5 of them in this case. She then as mentioned before gets on Michael’s case for not setting his goal to win instead of just being in the Top 3. Horny Chick thought Michael could have done this performance in his sleep, which he pretty much did. She also misses the goose bumps when he sang “Woman’s Work” and “I’m Ready for Love”. I miss goose bumps from anybody this season. Captain Jack is confused because he does not know about the movie. He gets even more confused after Michael explains to him that the movie is about a whale named Willy. Then when Horny Chick tries to claim that Free Willy is not just about a whale Captain Jack asks “well is it about a willy?” eliciting nervous laughter from Big Sexy. Ellen refuses Trained Seal’s baiting to continue the homo-banter about willies.

Duet #1, Lee and Crystal, “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, from Once: Kris Allen sang this song last season and I wondered then if anyone had ever heard of it. Turns out it was an Oscar winner. I am learning so much tonight. Crystal is wearing a shoulderless blouse for the first time, and for the first time we get a glimpse of the big tattoo on Crystal’s back that she has been keeping secret all this time. Siobhan got booted after she showed her tattoo, which may explain why Crystal has been hiding it, perhaps in Casey’s secret box. It is dueling guitars and Lee is singing better than his solo performance. Both of them are singing pretty well until Ricky and the band drowns them and their guitars out. Big Sexy throws out 3 quick yos because that is what he is talkin' about. Chicken Little E thought it was great, of course, and name drops Captain and Tennille. Horny Chick loved the chemistry and thought is was one of the best moments of this season. Captain Jack thought it was a fantastic song. Trained Seal tries to play up the sexual chemistry between Lee and Crystal and manages to get Crystal to admit that Lee has been her “musical crush” since they sat next to each other at their Chicago audition. Ryan senses a chance to make himself sound like a heterosexual but Crystal politely reminds him that she said “musical.”

Casey James, “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel, from The Graduate: Jamie is excited to be tormentoring a fellow Texan. He urges Casey to try to seduce him with his eyes or at least pretend to in order to be an artist. Casey kind of struggles with this even though he has been pretending to be an artist all season. Casey set aside his electric guitar for Jason Castro’s uke, and dares to venture in the mosh pit to sing this song surrounded by adoring tweener chicks. Casey has tweaked this song into a Jack Johnson type of arrangement rather than the blues that he claims to love to sing every week. He still sticks to the same three chords and still has a bit of a goat vibrato that Horny Chick finally noticed last week. It was just OK but it was better than last week’s performance. Big Sexy fires 4 quick yos (he has been quick with the yos tonight for some reason) and thought Casey did not do anything different. Randy also asked Casey why he chose this song and what it means to him. Casey is of course not specific because that is what posers do. Big Sexy then shows his cards by suggesting that Casey chose the song as a dedication to Horny Chick. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about Casey’s uke, likes that he did something different, and then turns it over to “Mrs. Robinson.” Horny Chick feigns being offended by the jokes, and then tells Casey that she thinks he is fighting to stay in the competition by choosing a song that he has to feel attached to (i.e. actually sing) rather than play “jam band” again. Captain Jack joins in on the Mrs. Robinson joke by asking Horny Chick what the movie is about. He then gets serious, and subsequently booed, by saying that Casey’s performance was lazy and lacked any substance. What do you think I have been saying all this time?

Crystal Bowersox, “I’m Alright” by Kenny Loggins, from Caddyshack: Trained Seal, like me, wonders about Crystal’s sing choice during her Coca-Cola treatment. He also wonders if Crystal is upset that the judges have been picking on her the last 2 weeks, not wanting to admit that the comments have been a deliberate effort to gain her sympathy votes and keep her on the show in what was supposed to be a chick’s year. Crystal is star struck to be in the presence of Jamie and thus cannot bring herself to make eye contact with the mega star. Jamie urges Crystal to make that eye contact so it is “no longer a song, it’s a testimony.” Amen, brother. Crystal starts solo but the band quickly jumps in to drown her out again. Crystal fights back and shouts out the last few verses for emphasis. I liked this bluesy arrangement and Crystal’s shouting. It was not her best but it was the best of the night among the solo performances. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and thinks Crystal earned her “artist” T-shirt. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about being “crystallized” and only Big Sexy laughs. Kara agrees with Randy and Ellen. Captain Jack thinks Crystal is “back in the game” though I do not think she was ever in danger of being on the sideline. Trained Seal goes off on Crystal’s boyfriend’s lack of rhythm, showing that he is again off his meds.

Duet #2, Casey and Michael, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” by Bryan Adams, from Don Juan DeMarco: A movie theme night would not be complete without at least one Bryan Adams song. I still wonder, like I did last year, why Idol has not ever had a Bryan Adams theme night. He is still around, isn't he? Casey starts with a self-indulgent flamenco guitar solo and hogs the entire first verse. Michael gets to come in with the second verse. He too has a guitar but he seems to be just touching the strings every once in a while. And all this time I thought Casey was the poser of the group. It was just OK, better than their solo performances but pale in comparison to Duet #1. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves Casey’s guitar playing, and then throws a back handed criticism at Casey by saying that the singing was shaky until Michael started singing. Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about how she once loved a woman. Kara and Simon thought the duets were good.

The producers end the show too early so Trained Seal solicits some more comments from Jamie to kill time. Jamie name drops Patti Labelle and Fantasia when he says that he was not expecting anything overpowering so he was happy with the performances. Jamie is impressed that Daughtry, Fantasia, and Bon Jovi will all be performing tomorrow night, a nice post-Mother’s Day present for my mom who still boycotts the show whenever Chris Daughtry is not on. Daughtry performed on the Top 4 results show last year too, perhaps in homage to his Top 4 elimination in Season 5.

Bye, bye, America. That’s it.

The Final Score: 8 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 8 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 8 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 5 shots at the audience, and 7 shots at Jamie Foxx the tormentor. There were 8 references to former Idol contestants, 7 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 0 iTunes plugs, 1 summer tour plug, 1 CD plug, 4 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 18 yo’s from Big Sexy, 8 T-shirts, 5 references to last season, 3 lessons, 3 strained jokes from Chicken Little E, 1 shark attack, 1 secret tattoo, 1 Amen, and no goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal’s was the only solo performance worth writing home about, and she earns two stars for her duet with Lee that may have saved him from elimination. The third star goes to Michael for a decent singing performance and for not being star struck by Jamie Foxx.

Idol Gives Back: Once again I underestimated the sympathy vote, but when the sympathy is coming from 12 year old girls and their mothers this perhaps should not come as a surprise. So while I am sad that Casey was not sent home I am not too disappointed since Aaron should have gone home weeks ago. At least now I do not have to worry about fulfilling my pledge to end these recaps if Aaron won the competition.

The Fearless Prediction: If the votes were determined solely by singing performances on this night alone Lee would be in serious danger of leaving. I am tempted to predict that there will be a surprise elimination and that either Lee or Crystal will be sent home but I am going to hope that the sympathy vote will keep them both on board for another week. It is possible that Michael will not meet his Top 3 goal but I am going to again predict Casey’s departure tomorrow night if for no other reason than I have been waiting patiently for the poser to leave for several weeks now.