Case Summary S09-2010

The longest season in American Idol history, or at least so it seems, is finally over, Just to show how little winning this competition means anymore both winner Lee DeWyze and first runner-up Crystal Bowersox signed recording contracts with 19 Entertainment, the producers of the show. It used to be that only the winner had the guaranteed record deal, though perhaps after first season winner Kelly Clarkson sued 19 Entertainment to get out of her guaranteed record contract the producers would just as soon sign both the winner and the runner-up in case the winner is unable to fulfill his or her duties as the American Idol.

The Season 9 auditions were in Boston, Atlanta, Chicago, Orlando, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Denver. My DVR crapped out on the Denver auditions and I was too busy and/or lazy to recap the Dallas auditions. I heard later that Casey James took off his shirt in his Denver auditions, and I can only assume that Kelly Clarkson was mentioned often in the Dallas auditions because ever since she auditioned for American Idol in Dallas she is always often mentioned every time there are Dallas auditions. Casey was the only auditioner from the Denver auditions to make the Top 12. Tim Urban and Paige Miles both went through the Dallas auditions, though since I didn’t watch them I cannot tell you if they were featured or not. Probably not.

Season 9 began on a somewhat auspicious note as it was announced that Simon Cowell was leaving after this season to work on Idol’s replacement, The X-Factor. Since Captain Jack’s departure was not known at the time the audition shows were taped it made for some surreal moments for the audience, half of whom are too young to know what “surreal” means (then again, I’m not sure about this either). It had already been announced that Ellen DeGeneres was taking the judge seat that Paula Abdul had abandoned after she demanded to be paid more than Ryan Seacrest. No word on what Ellen’s appearance fees for this season were, though since she already has a steady, well paid gig as Oprah’s eventual replacement she probably doesn’t need as much money as Ryan Seacrest.

Season 9 officially began on January 12, 2010 with the Boston auditions. Posh Spice Victoria Beckham served as the guest judge since Ellen was not yet on board. 9,000 contestants gathered in the rain at Gillette Stadium (where the Patriots play) even though the weather magically changed to sunny when the contestants were magically transported from the stadium to a hotel in downtown Boston, at least if Ryan was to be believed. You and I of course know that the truth is very different. Amadeo Diricco invited all of America to his house for dinner, Ashley Rodriguez was told by Simon that she had “it”, eye candy Tyler Grady got a “yes” from Kara before singing a note, Katie Stevens introduced us to her Portuguese grandma with Alzheimer’s, Justin Williams talked about overcoming cancer to appear on the show, and Norbeto Guerrero was told by Simon that he “sang like a 3 year old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you’ve got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird.” I am going to miss him. In addition to Katie Siobhan Magnus came from the Boston auditions, though the producers chose not to feature her, perhaps because she was too weird for them. Funny, that usually guarantees January air time.

Next up where the auditions in Ryan’s hometown of Atlanta, where Idol had been 5 times before and where Clay Aiken auditioned for the show in Season 2. The Empress of Soul Mary J. Blige was the guest judge. I was short on quips that night as the earthquake in Haiti had just occurred. 10,000 contestants came out to try their luck getting past the producers and up to the 27th Floor of the hotel the judges were camped out in. Mary J. thought Jermaine Sellers was “anointed;” Jesse Hamilton talked about almost dying 3 times, accompanied by allegedly funny reenactments by the Idol producers; Holly Harden got a ticket to Hollywood despite dressing up like a guitar; Antonio “Skiiboski” Wheeler got a ticket to Hollywood despite a goofy nickname; The Singing Cop Bryan Walker made it through easily; and Lamar Royal got this piece of psychoanalysis from Mary J: “You have to find some humility in order to do this, and pull back and stop trying to exalt yourself and that’s what you’re doing. You’re running.” Finally, General Larry Platt scored a viral hit with “Pants On The Ground,” which as I predicted was repeated at the season finale. No Atlanta auditioners made it to the Top 12 and only Jermaine Sellers from this group made it to the Top 24.

12,000 contestants came to the Chicago auditions chanting “yes we can” at the urging of the Democrat producers. Shania Twain was the guest judge and the only one who came back later in the season to serve as a tormentor. Katelyn Epperly got a ticket to Hollywood to spite her dad who had just left her family, Amy Lang showed off her dancing boobs, Angela Martin got a ticket to Hollywood for the third and as it turned out final time, and Shania complimented John Park for his “beautiful bottom end” and his “good head.” Neither Season 9 winner Lee DeWyze nor runner-up Crystal Bowersox got any air time during the Chicago audition show, though their audition footage from Chicago magically reappeared during the finale.

10,000 auditioners passed on watching the Space Shuttle launch to come to the Orlando auditions. Guest judge Kristen Chenoweth bonded with Kara and then made a quick exit. Shelby Dressel overcame partial paralysis on the right side of her face and forgetting the lyrics of her audition song to claim a golden ticket, Janell Wheeler got 5 seconds of air time, which was more than what fellow Orlando auditioner Michael Lynche got. The producers more than made up for that during the Hollywood Week shows though. Cornelius Edwards did the splits, Jersey Shore rejects Bernadette and Amanda Desimone begged for tickets to Hollywood, Matt Lawrence talked about his 4 years in prison for robbing a bank with a BB gun, and Jarred Norrell was lead away in handcuffs by the deputy sheriff after Kara compared his singing to a lawn mower. In addition to Michael’s audition Aaron Kelly’s audition was also not seen.

The last auditions that I saw were from Los Angeles, when 11,000 showed up at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. Avril Lavigne and her jacket with devil horns served as guest judge for Day 1, Katy Perry took her place for Day 2. Neil Goldstein failed to impress the judges with his 168 IQ, Jim Ranger got a ticket despite singing his own composition, Mary Powers looked and sounded like Pat Benetar, Simon thought A.J. Mendoza had just come from the dentist and the anesthetic had not worn off yet, Katy wondered if Austin Fuller was frisked before coming into the audition, Jason Greene gave Ryan his phone number, and Chris Golightly talked about the 25 foster homes he grew up in but neglected to mention the record deal that eventually got him kicked off the show. Andrew Garcia and Didi Benami were the Top 12 finalists who came out of the L.A. auditions.

In total 181 contestants passed the first round of auditions and received a ticket to Hollywood: 32 from Boston, 31 each from Orlando and Dallas, 26 from Denver, 25 from Atlanta, 23 from Los Angeles, and only 13 from Chicago despite Chicago having the most auditioners and the final two contestants.

Hollywood Week was staged at the Kodak Theater as a consolation prize for losing the finale to the Nokia Theater. Ellen DeGeneres joined the show at that point and did not seem too far out of her element. It is amazing what editing can do sometimes. 96 contestants made it past the first round of solo auditions, only to face the dreaded return of the group performances. 71 contestants managed to survive that and got to perform again with the band that kept changing up the contestant’s arrangements. After the traditional breakup of the contestants into rooms 46 of them made it to the chair show, which this season was held at the Kodak instead of the judges’ mansion or some mysterious dance studio in Pasadena. We got to meet Crystal for the first time and Michael Lynche got plenty of air time since his wife was giving birth to his first child while he was there. Andrew Garcia did a “genius” version of Paula’s “Straight Up”, which we were reminded of (as was Andrew) for several weeks after that. Siobhan Magnus belted out a Stevie Wonder song that earned her a spot in the Top 24. Mary Powers was the star of group night and was sent home. Sadly, Angela Martin was sent home too after missing the Top 36 last season because she spend 6 days in jail on a traffic violation. Jessica Furley, the girl from Kansas City with the crazy grandma who was featured during last season’s auditions, was also sent home even though she was convinced that she had “it.” And we finally got to see Lee DeWyze. At least last season Kris Allen got a few seconds of screen time during his audition.

The semi-finals went back to the format from Seasons 4-7 with the chicks and dudes in separate groups of 12 instead of 3 groups of 12 mixed together like they did last season and Seasons 1-3. The chicks went first and immediately Ryan and the judges tried to play up how this season was destined to be a girl’s year. Of course the tweeners and the cougars had other plans. Ashley Rodriguez did a so-so version of a Leona Lewis song and got voted off despite being considered one of the preseason favorites. Janell Wheeler, arguably the best looking chick in the Top 24, tried and failed with a Heart song and was also sent packing. On the positive side silver haired Lilly Scott got kudos for her street performer originality, Katelyn Epperly dressed like a hooker to show that she was young and current, Lacey Brown moved on even though Randy thought her rendition of a Fleetwood Mac song was “terrible.” Simon thought Siobhan Magnus was “a funny little thing,” and told Crystal that she sounded like thousands of other subway singers all over America.

I missed most of the Top 24 dude show when Tyler Grady and Joe Munoz were eliminated. I did see Simon and Michael Lynche argue about Simon’s negative comments, Ellen compare Alex Lambert to an unripe banana, Kara drool over Casey James and his partially unbuttoned shirt, and all the judges bring up the Paula Abdul song to Andrew again.

The Top 20 dudes were asked to perform one day early after Crystal was sent overnight to the hospital for reasons that were never explained (I read later it had something to do with her diabetes). Michael Lynche puts down his marker with “It’s A Man’s World”. Ryan challenged Simon after Captain Jack declared John Park a goner, though 2 days later Simon was proven right. Casey James refused to disclose his pre-show ritual unless he made the Top 10, then of course the poser reneged on his promise when he actually made it that far. Kara thought anyone would die for Alex Lambert’s tone even though he was too scared to show it. Jermaine Sellers rocked his onesee and told Ryan that God would make sure that he would be on the show the next week. Turned out God had other plans. Randy told Todrick Hall to stop changing the arrangements and then 15 minutes later Simon told Andrew Garcia to start changing the arrangements. Simon also told Lee DeWyze that he would be the one to beat if he could only lose the nerves.

Crystal Bowersox came straight from her hospital bed to lead off the Top 20 chick night. After her rendition of CCR’s “Long As I See The Light” Simon apologized for underestimating Crystal as a serious artist and compared her to Kelly Clarkson. Ryan challenged Simon again after Simon thought Haeley Vaughn’s version of a Miley Cyrus song was a mess, and again Simon was proven right when Haeley was voted off the next night. Lacey sung a song suggested by Kara and Simon criticized her for treating this show like a competition and only singing whatever is suggested to her. Katie Stevens could not name a teenage artist. Michelle Delamor committed the cardinal sin of singing a Creed song and got voted off, even though she was the best dressed of the contestants. Siobhan Magnus stunned the judges by breaking out the first of her signature big note screams at the end of Aretha Franklin’s “Think”.

The last semi-final round for the girls began with Simon and Ellen pretending to have sexual tension. Katie Stevens tried to follow the judges’ advice to go younger by singing a Kelly Clarkson song and got criticized for trying too hard to incorporate the judges’ comments. Lacey Brown sang her best performance to date and managed to get into the Top 12. The judges’ sent Katelyn Epperley packing after they criticized her performance of “I Feel The Earth Move” as “very put-on” (Randy), “fell short” (Ellen), “going through the motions” (Kara), and “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” (Simon). If you ever need a quick example of the differences between the judges, there you have it. Didi Benami’s performance of Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon” was the best of the night. Simon and Randy used Paige Miles’ weak performance of “Smile” to talk about food. Simon declared Crystal Bowersox the one to beat after her performance of Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”. Lilly Scott got the closer spot, did a decent job with a Patsy Cline song, and still got voted off, leaving her to wonder what America wants.

My DVR crapped out, thankfully for the last time, for the last semi-final for the dudes so I only saw a few performances. Andrew Garcia tried to relive the past by giving the “Straight Up” treatment to Christina Aguilera’s “Genie In A Bottle”. Kara thought Aaron Kelly’s weak performance of Lonestar’s “I’m Already There” was because he was too young to relate to the song, a comment that Ellen agreed with but Simon thought was rubbish. Todrick Hall got voted off after Kara could not decide whether to laugh or love his singing and dancing performance of Queen’s “Somebody To Love”. Michael Lynche brought the house down and brought Kara to tears when he closed the show with Maxwell’s “This Woman’s Work”, establishing him as the co-favorite with Crystal heading into the finals. Meanwhile Lee DeWyze was just keeping it steady. Alex Lambert was finally sent home after another deer in the headlights performance.

The Top 12 began with Kara telling Jay Leno that she thought a guy would win even though Randy, Simon, and the producers (through their mouthpiece Ryan) all thought a girl would win this season. The theme was songs by the Rolling Stones. There was no mentor since all of the Stones plus Steven Tyler and Joe Perry apparently had other appointments. Ryan seriously got into Simon’s grill after Captain Jack thought Michael’s performance of “Miss You” sounded desperate. Didi claimed that her dark performance of “Play With Fire” was because Siobhan Magnus was her roommate. Andrew’s dad claimed that he thought his son would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. Kara wanted to see more intensity in Andrew’s performance of “Gimme Shelter”, leading Simon to ask Kara if she wanted to see Andrew perform in a tank. Katie’s performance of “Wild Horses” finally pleased the judges. “The Comeback Kid” Tim Urban survived another week despite crashing and burning with a reggae performance of “Under My Thumb”. Siobhan brought back the drama and the big scream with “Paint It Black”, a song choice that surprised no one. Simon accused Lee of singing “Beast Of Burden” like he thought the others were better than him. Simon could not believe Randy compared Aaron to Justin Timberlake. Lacey Brown’s over-thought performance of “Ruby Tuesday” lead to her dismissal into Idol oblivion the next night.

The judges played up how the loser from the Top 11 would be denied a slot on the summer tour as if that was a big deal or something. The theme was Billboard #1 hits, and Ryan claimed that there have been 26 songs by former American Idol contestants that have made it to #1. Interestingly none of those songs were sung that night. I was treated to the first tormentor of the season, Miley Cyrus, who was younger than all of the contestants except for Aaron. Tim tried an electric slide during his rendition of “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and still got no love from the judges and lots of love from the tweeners. Ryan compared Aaron to David Archuleta after Simon thought Aaron had no chance of going home despite his so-so performance of Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”. Crystal finally did a Janis Joplin song, “Me And Bobby McGee” that Kara and Ellen thought was too reserved but Simon thought was the best version he had ever heard. Miley claimed Michael was her favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. The judges reminded Andrew of the “Straight Up” song again after his lost version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” failed to inspire them. Kara ranted for the first time about how Simon thought Katie was a country singer, a charge Simon denied. Randy forgot about David Cook and Chris Daughtry and declared Casey James the best guitar player in the history of the show after “The Power Of Love”. Siobhan closed the show with another screaming note at the end of “Superstition” that Randy thought was inspired, Kara thought was amazing, and had Ellen quoting from Oliver. Paige Miles will need a ticket for the summer tour after her train wreck performance of “Against All Odds” got her voted off, and because Ellen was too chicken to criticize Paige she earned her nickname for the rest of the season.

The theme for Top 10 night was R&B and instead of Stevie Wonder or Smokey Robinson as the tormentor we got Usher instead, which was fine with me as I took more shots at him than at any other tormentor this season. Siobhan inspired two rounds of judges’ comments with her exhausting rendition of Chaka Khan’s “Through the Fire”, including comments about her boots, manslaughter, running a marathon, wandering off the trail, and “gilding the lily.” All this led to Siobhan crying backstage and a big sympathy hug from Michael. Usher told Michael that “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing,” and sure enough the chick judges digged Michael after his silky performance of India Arie’s “Ready For Love”. The judges pulled out all the analogies they could think of to criticize “Teflon” Tim’s weak performance of Anita Baker’s “Sweet Love”, and Tim still just smiled at them. Andrew finally got the judges to stop bringing up “Straight Up” by doing the same thing to Chris Brown’s “Forever”. The judges could still not agree on what type of artist Katie should be after she tried the diva approach with Aretha’s “Think”. Lee finally came out of his shell with “Treat Her Like A Lady”, inspiring a goosebump from me and an accurate prediction from Simon that this performance would change Lee’s life forever. Crystal wore high heels and played the piano for the one and only time this season during “Midnight Train To Georgia” just to be different. All four judges got booed after calling Didi Benami’s performance of “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted” “flat line,” “dramatic,” “confusing,” and “sounded like you were swimming in jelly.” Take a guess who said the last one. After all that Ryan grilled Didi to tell all of America who she was thinking about when she cried while singing the song to Usher. No wonder Didi had some not so nice things to say about the show after she was voted off the next night.

The Top 9 saw the return of Lennon/McCartney night even though Michael Jackson no longer needed the money (sorry, I could not resist). Sir Paul sent his best wishes from as far away from the studio as he could get. Aaron’s Jedi mind tricks could not prevent the judges from criticizing his rendition of “The Long And Winding Road” as being slow and boring, kind of like a long and winding road. Katie finally showed the country in her voice with “Let It Be” and the judges thought it was her best performance of the season. “Mama Sox” Crystal Bowersox brought out a didgeridoo player for “Come Together”. The judges actually praised Tim’s performance of “All My Loving” and complimented him for taking their previous criticisms like a man. Casey had his most authentic performance to date with “Jealous Guy” and I actually praised him. After Siobhan’s soft singing performance of “Across The Universe” Kara could not comprehend that this was the same chick who unleashed all those crazy, ridiculous screams. Crystal had the line of the season when she said that new BFFs Lee and Andrew should get married and make “Danny Gokey babies.” Michael went away from his usual R&B groove to do a dramatic version of “Eleanor Rigby”, which led him to sing for his life the next night when he was the lowest vote getter. Simon sent Ryan into euphoria when he used the judge’s save and told Michael that he was coming back the next week.

I felt the need to stand up for the King of Rock & Roll when Ryan announced that the tormentor for Elvis week was Adam Lambert. I also wondered what Kris Allen and Taylor Hicks thought about Adam being the first Idol contestant to return as a tormentor. After all, they actually won. Both Kara and Simon thought Tim went from zero to hero with his rendition of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” even though Ellen thought she needed 4 tequila shots to truly appreciate it. Simon thought Lee nailed “A Little Less Conversation” after criticizing Kara for suggesting that Lee show some more playfulness on stage. Siobhan both sung and screamed “Suspicious Minds”, which confused Kara even more and led to an argument between Siobhan and Simon about the judges’ desire to put contestants into specific boxes. After Casey’s boring performance of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” the judges finally get on Casey’s case for being boring. Andrew crashed and burned when he tried to turn “Hound Dog” into “Bossa Nova Baby” and got voted off. Katie selected “Baby, What You Want Me To Do” to express her frustration with the judges. While the judges appreciated her attitude the tweeners and cougars did not and voted her off along with Andrew.

The Top 7 saw the return of Idol Gives Back week after it was cancelled last season due to lack of inspiration the season before. At least that is my theory. Alicia Keys tormented the contestants with comments about emotion rather than anything having to do with actual singing. Casey selected Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” because it was “me being in the song, me being present.” The judges were not impressed. Even cougar Kara, who had been dreaming about Casey all season, accused him of playing “jam band” instead of being sincere. Lee established himself as the dark horse with a bluesy rendition of “The Boxer”. Aaron tried very hard to fit his little voice within R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” and only got a C grade for an A effort. Siobhan dared to try a Whitney and Mariah song (“When You Believe”) and told the judges that they were idiots for trying to compare her to Whitney or Mariah. Simon thought Michael’s performance of “Hero” was artificial because the song was about Spiderman. Crystal evoked memories of Jordin Sparks with a tearful rendition of The Impressions’ “People Get Ready” that was the best of the night and in my humble opinion the best performance of the season. Tim Urban survived 2-1/2 hours of pleading for money the next night only to be told that his run of luck was done and he was finally being sent home.

Shania Twain returned for a country night that was dedicated solely to her, “the biggest crossover artist ever.” I imagine Garth Brooks might have taken exception to Ryan’s claim. Randy claimed after Lee’s performance of “You’re Still The One” that it is one of his favorite songs, adding to a catalog that must be close to 1,000 songs. Michael brought Shania to tears with “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing” even though Simon thought it was “wet.” Casey finally admitted that the judges were right to criticize him for being boring, so he tried something that sounded more sincere with “Don’t!” and got lots of praises from the judges. Crystal started her slide back to the pack with a so-so performance of ”No One Needs To Know”, even though it was an actual country arrangement and gave Ryan fodder to criticize Crystal’s boyfriend. Aaron changed up the sexual lyrics to “You’ve Got A Way” because he sang the song to his mom instead of to a girlfriend, which gave the tweeners reason to power text votes for him. Siobhan Magnus screamed her best big note of the season to no avail as the tweeners selected her to be the surprise dismissal of the season.

The producers finally selected a tormentor with some experience with the theme when they chose Harry Connick Jr. to torment the contestants on Frank Sinatra week. Harry actually went the extra mile by making the arrangements himself, bringing in his own band instead of depending on Ricky Minor and company, and taking a shot at Shania Twain for not doing the same. Harry also exchanged some mildly amusing banter with fellow New Orleans native Ellen. Casey was way out of his league and it showed with his performance of “Blue Skies”. Kara even noticed the goat vibrato that Vote for the Worst.com had been criticizing Casey for all season. Still, it was not enough to convince the cougars to vote him off even though I had predicted that very thing. On the opposite end Michael was in his element with “The Way You Look Tonight”, complete with his Sinatraesque chapeau. The judges all thought Lee was finally believing he could win this season after his gospelesque rendition of “That’s Life”, though just to be sure Kara asked Lee to write “I think I can win this thing” 100 times before next week. Aaron Kelly’s high school musicalesque version of “Fly Me to the Moon”, combined perhaps with Lee’s stronger performance, led the tweeners to finally abandon him and send him home.

The last theme night of the season was a return of last season’s Songs from the Movies night, and the producers thought it would be cool to have Jamie Foxx return to torment the contestants and plug his new movie. During rehearsals of Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” Jamie got in Lee’s grill like he did to Danny Gokey last season but it did not seem to help Lee as much as it did Danny. The tweener chicks still declared their love for him anyway. Casey sang a Jack Johnson arrangement of “Mrs. Robinson” that the other judges used to make fun of Kara. Jamie urged Crystal to make eye contact with the audience while singing Kenny Loggins’ “I’m Alright” because by doing so would make it no longer a song but a “testimony.” Crystal did not make much eye contact but showed some emotion while battling with Ricky Minor and the Band to be heard. Lee and Crystal rocked the house with a sweet rendition of “Falling Slowly” from the movie Once that started rumors about the two of them dating. Casey and Michael closed the show with the prerequisite Bryan Adams song “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”. Before his solo performance Michael refused the “contestant” shirt that Jamie wanted to give him instead of the “artist” shirt that he gave everyone else, but after a performance of “Will You Be There” (from Free Willy) that Kara thought he could do in his sleep and led Simon to make sexually implicit comments about whales and willies Michael probably should have taken the contestant shirt as his dream of making it to the Top 3 was shot down the next night.

When the contestants reached the Top 3 they were finally required to sing two songs, one that they chose and one that one of the judges chose for them. Casey chose “OK, It’s Alright With Me” by Eric Hutchinson because he thought it best represented him as an artist, and after his dull, monotone, and boring performance I agreed that this song probably did represent him as an artist. The judges more or less agreed with me. Casey gave the same treatment to “Daughters” by John Mayer, selected by Randy and Kara because they wanted him to sing a sincere song about women and girls. Crystal made a bid to be part of next year’s Lilith Fair tour by selecting a Melissa Etheridge song that was honest though a bit flat. Crystal’s emotions finally appeared when she sang Ellen’s choice of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed”, showing parts of her voice that Kara had never heard before and Simon thought Crystal would be thanking Ellen for drawing out and getting her to the finale. Lee made a bid to be part of a legends of rock tour next year by selecting Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man” that was a little pitchy but a lot more emotional than Crystal’s. Lee then surpassed Simon’s expectations when he took the clichéd song that Simon chose for him, “Hallelujah”, and made it his own. I even felt a goosebump. Lee may have won the competition right then and there, especially since Casey James was eliminated and left all the chick votes for Lee.

The grand finale at the Nokia Theater featured 3 performances each from Crystal and Lee, one song that they had already sung this season, one selected by uber-producer Simon Fuller, and one selected to be their first single that was thankfully not written by either Kara or entrants in a songwriting contest. Lee started with “The Boxer” that was much more tentative than his earlier performance of the song because his nerves came back with a vengeance. Lee’s next performance of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” didn’t have enough emotion for the judges’ taste. His final performance of U2’s “Beautiful Day” was not much better than the other two, but instead of criticizing him for that the judges instead complimented Lee for his growth this season and for being such a nice guy. Crystal brought back “Me and Bobby McGee” and unlike Lee she poured on the emotion, especially at the end. The emotions changed to sassiness when she sang Allanah Myles’ “Black Velvet” in high heels. Kara thought Crystal killed herself on that stage and Simon was happy that someone had finally nailed a song that he had heard butchered hundreds of times in auditions all these years. Crystal closed the show with an emotional rendition of Patty Griffin’s “Up to the Mountain (MLK Song)” that Randy thought was one of the best performances ever and Kara thought finally brought down the emotional wall Crystal had allegedly built around herself. Ellen promised to buy any salad that Crystal made, and in his last American Idol critique Simon simply declared it “outstanding.” Crystal clearly sensed that Lee had all the momentum coming into the finale and gave it everything that she had and then some, but it was not enough to overcome the tweener and cougar vote as Lee was declared the winner of American Idol Season 9.

The Final Score: 207 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 196 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 189 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 170 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 147 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 37 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 106 shots at the audience, and 80 shots at the tormentors led by Usher with 21 and Miley Cyrus and Shania Twain with 13 each. There were 86 references to former Idol contestants, 161 references to other non-Idol performers, 47 references to Drunk Chick Paula, 30 Coca-Cola treatments, 16 iTunes plugs, 44 name drops, 13 K-word utterances, 152 yos from Big Sexy (not counting the ones he uttered during the semis), and 6 goose bumps.

Your 3 Stars of the Season: Crystal’s performance of “It’s Alright” during Idol Gives Back week still solicits goosebumps in me just by thinking about it, but then again I’ve always been a sucker for songs by The Impressions. Lee first established himself as a contender with “Treat Her Like A Lady” during R&B week and solidified it with his performance of “Hallelujah”. Once again Simon gets kudos for selecting a song that brought out the best in a contestant. Honorable mentions to Siobhan Magnus for her wild and spooky version of “Paint It Black” and to Andrew Garcia for his rendition of “Straight Up” during Hollywood Week that really was genius even though this was beaten to death by the judges.

Idol Gives Back: Let’s be honest, I suck at reading the minds of tweeners and cougars. I finished with a record of 10-12, not even getting to .500. Usually I clean up during the semis and take a beating during the final 12 since the tweener/cougar vote is not as influential then, but this year I was only 5-5. I didn’t help that my DVR crapped out during two of the dude nights. In the finals I like many predicted Tim Urban’s departure twice before he left, but Casey James hurt my average more than Tim or anyone else as it took 4 predictions before he finally left. On the plus side I did correctly predict the departures of Jermaine Sellers, John Park, Alex Lambert, Paige Miles, Didi Benami, and eventually Casey James. I am particularly proud of my Didi prediction because that was the only week that I correctly predicted the entire bottom 3 (her, Katie, and Tim) and the Clash of the Titans promo.

The Fearless Predictions: And now the moment you have all read this lengthy post just to get too, my fearless predictions for the future of the Top 12:

Lee DeWyze will release an album that will tank and then enjoy a modest career on the county fair circuit as the new lead singer of Chicago.

Crystal Bowersox will be part of Lilith Fair 2011 and then make a Jason Castro baby with her goofy boyfriend, or perhaps with Lee.

Casey James will bring his special form of blues to the Circle M every Saturday night. Girls who bring panties will get in for half price.

Michael Lynche will become the new spokesperson for GNC and sing the Season 11 (and final) Idol going home song.

Aaron Kelly will land a recurring role in Glee.

Siobhan Magnus will record a duet with Adam Lambert, marry into a rich Cape Cod family, and become the rich but eccentric aunt that we all wish that we had.

Tim Urban is already in Las Vegas gambling that his run of luck will transfer to the craps table.

Andrew Garcia will fulfill his father’s dream and become the lead janitor for the Los Angeles Unified School District. The kids will love his appearances as the singing custodian during their holiday pageants.

Katie Stevens will have a moment of inspiration and realize that Simon was right and that she can make millions as a country singer.

Didi Benami will return to Tennessee and find steady work at Dollywood, which she will use as a platform to tell the world what a terrible judge of talent the Idol judges are.

Paige Miles will discover the singing voice that the judges kept claiming was there and use it to join the cast of the revival of Dreamgirls.

Lacey Brown will call Megan Joy Corkrey and tell her that the judges were right to pick Megan over her last season.

The Armchair Idol Judge will return to the gym on Tuesday nights, spend more quality time with the judge’s significant other, and...

And...

Well, the jury is still out on whether I will recap Season 10. Without either Captain Jack or Drunk Chick to take shots at American Idol is bound to be a lot less interesting and a lot less worth my time and lost sleep to write about, especially since my time has become much more valuable in the last year (and sleep is always valuable, ask your doctor). My comrade in arms Spasm has already decided to close her American Idol blog (and she’s been doing this for far longer than me) and even the Vote for the Worst guys are talking about not coming back, though they have vowed to follow Simon over to The X-Factor.

Another factor is that the hit count to this site is about 1/3 of what it was last season. I don’t know if that is because of the general apathy about the show that has caused Idol’s TV ratings to drop or if it is because I lost my audience after not bothering to recap the Hollywood Week shows. If fewer of you are reading then the lesser my motivation there is to writing. I’m not getting paid for this you know. And let’s be honest, the producers of Idol don’t care about me because I am not a 13 year old girl or the mother of one.

Still, I will likely miss sharing my snarky comments about American Idol with the rest of the universe. I think I will wait and see who the producers select to replace Captain Jack and perhaps watch a couple of the audition shows next January and then decide. So I guess we’ll all find out together then.

Case dismissed.