Stress and Strain

Imagine the possibility that the final 7 could consist of Crystal Bowersox and all 6 guys, or that the final 8 could consist of Crystal, Siobhan Magnus, and all 6 guys. This is a very real possibility given how things are shaping up, and this after both Big Sexy and Captain Jack claimed that this was a “girl’s year.” It would also be a clear sign (as if Kris Allen was not enough) that the tweener girls have hijacked the voting and potentially alienated the rest of America. The real question is whether or not the producers of American Idol or the folks at Fox even care. Tweener girls are a highly sought after advertiser’s demographic after all, and the Fox folks know that they have Captain Jack’s X-Factor show to fall back on if their current cash cow runs dry.

“OK guys, here we go,” declares Trained Seal as he starts the show back stage with the contestants standing at attention and the judges pretending to make out. Ryan then takes the stage to a standing ovation from the peanut gallery as the opening credits roll. Trained Seal asks the audience to call out the name of who they think will win, and the expected cacophony occurs. The only names Ryan claims to hear are Clay Aiken’s and Simon’s.

Tonight’s tormentor for Soul/R&B night is Usher, a “big gun” with the ultimate R&B show, at least according to Trained Seal. Whatever happened to tormentors like Stevie Wonder who does not have to pretend that he is a big name in the business? Usher asks the contestants for permission to hurt their feelings, a consideration that I have never bothered to consider in the 4 seasons I have been recapping this show. Maybe I can learn something from the tormentor for a change. After the promo video Usher and Trained Seal bond in the audience and promote the new Usher album, shades drawn of course. I guess wearing shades indoors is Usher’s “thang”. Trained Seal tries to provoke Usher to admit that some of his songs may offend people he knows. Usher of course dances around the question. A number of contestants did this tonight when pushed by Ryan to respond to personal questions, so perhaps they too learned something from the tormentor this week.

Siobhan Magnus, “Through the Fire” by Chaka Khan: Siobhan admits that she has been a big fan of Usher since she was 6 years old; a funny thing to say considering Usher looks about 5 years younger than Siobhan. Usher comments on Siobhan’s outfit but does not say much about her singing except that she has a surprisingly loud voice. He does not bother to mention the large tattoo on Siobhan’s right shoulder that she has been hiding all this time. Siobhan tells us that she just cannot wear regular dress and heels, one week after she admitted that she is a little bit strange. At least she is honest even if she is a little bit, well, weird. Siobhan starts the song slow and still in a pair of “Missy Elliott” boots as described by Trained Seal. The first verse sounds kind of muffled and tentative, not what we usually hear from Siobhan. The choruses have the usual big, long notes from her, but they sound even more strained than the big notes Siobhan sang last week. The final big notes are a little better but seem forced. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and then claims it was a “little” pitchy. He still liked Siobhan’s courage and her big boots, because this is a singing competition. Chicken Little E still likes Siobhan but thinks she wandered off of the trail and got scared, one of many analogies that Ellen strained to get out tonight. Horny Chick is still in love with the screaming parts, because again this is a singing competition and Kara is an expert in singing, and then tells Siobhan that she is entitled to an off night. Captain Jack of course disagrees and tells Siobhan that it sounded like she was running a marathon while singing the song. This of course earns Simon a chorus of boos, who in turn earn a rebuke from Captain Jack. He is not only bored with the boos but also with the screaming from Siobhan that Horny Chick is in love with. Trained Seal questions the judges on their comments, which sets off a second round of critiques from them. Siobhan told Ryan that she wanted to try something different even if she did not “kill it,” and everyone looks at Captain Jack to point out the irony of that sentence. Simon did not disappoint, calling Siobhan’s performance “manslaughter.” I think you can get parole for that, though. Chicken Little E adds a comment about “gilding the lily” and I am too tired to comment on the other comments. I swear if they are going to do this double comment thing after every contestant I am going to up all night again.

After the break we see Siobhan sulking at the green room buffet table and getting a big sympathy hug from Mike. We got to see and hear all of the contestants back stage after their performances, though Siobhan’s is the only one that warrants a comment.

Casey James, “Hold On, I’m Comin’” by Sam and Dave: Casey promised during the semis that he would reveal his pre-show routine and what is in his box if he reached the Top 10. Well, we are still waiting poser. Casey thinks this week is perfect for him because he is such the R&B/soul artist. Usher thinks he is a rock star even though Casey cannot seem to remember the lyrics. The tormentor also likes Casey’s swagger. I do not, if this is not obvious to you by now. Casey starts solo but quickly Ricky and the band kick in and have a rollicking good time with this song. Casey seems to be too, which as you all know is the most important thing to the contestants on this singing competition. Casey’s singing is decent though very staccato. I also think he made up the words to the second verse. That is one way to avoid getting called out for forgetting the lyrics. Captain Jack would normally call him on that but he clearly does not care any more. And once again Casey finishes with a self-indulgent guitar solo. Funny you don’t hear Horny Chick asking Casey to drop his guitar like she is doing with all the chick singers. Big Sexy utters 3 yos, says Casey’s name twice, name drops Sam Moore, and says nothing else worth noting. Ellen loves the vocals and the consistency but gets booed by describing the performance as safe and generic. She is clearly straining to be both funny and positive and I am really missing Drunk Chick now because Paula never had to try to be both; she was just naturally that way. Horny Chick thinks Casey is holding back and wants him to show her everything he’s got. Yes, Trained Seal did make a snide comment about this later. Captain Jack just wants to be honest when he tells Casey that it was his best performance to date and showed a new side as an artist. Casey promises Trained Seal that he will play acoustic guitar next week instead of the electric strings. Maybe that is what he has in that box.

Michael Lynche, “Ready for Love” by India Arie: Usher gives Big Mike his best advice of the night after Mike tells him that he will be playing a guitar this week: “chicks dig a guy who can play a guitar and sing.” Perhaps to some of you this is obvious but Mike treats this as words of infinite wisdom. Usher shows off his ability to look into the camera and connect with the audience and urges Mike to do the same. Mike starts his song slow and sitting behind the judges with his eyes closed instead of making love at the camera as Usher suggested. He does not seem to need Usher’s advice, though, as Mike is getting very romantic all on his own. The mosh pit does the hand waiving thing again but because Mike has his eyes closed and his back turned to the peanut gallery it is not a distraction. It is a nice, silky vocal. For once Michael was a singer and not so much of a performer. Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 2 looks, 2 Mikes, and thinks Mike is “in the zone” with the “sensitive thing.” Chicken Little E thought it was beautiful and strains to make a joke about people singing behind her back. Horny Chick had never heard this song before, even though she is a trained professional, but thought that Mike found the true emotion in the song even though he is “so far away from that.” So far away from what? Captain Jack can finally take Michael seriously as an artist instead of being a “silly karaoke singer.” Trained Seal solicits a positive comment from the tormentor in the audience before reading the phone number.

Didi Benami, “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted” by Jimmy Ruffin: Didi tells us that this song struck a nerve with her and gets all emotional after she sang it to Usher. Usher tries to urge Didi to use that emotion in her singing, though Didi is not sure that she can control it for a full 90 seconds. She bounces in and out of pitch while singing the first verse. The chorus is a little better but the second verse is even pitchier than the first. Didi keeps the emotion in check but she is clearly struggling to do so. She is wearing a nice dress though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and thought the song was flat line. Randy gets booed but is still keeping it real. Chicken Little E strains to call it “dramatic” and can’t think of anything else to say. She gets booed for her troubles too. Horny Chick I think says “it’s over dumb girl,” but because no one booed her I wonder if I heard that correctly. Kara then babbles on about her confusion because Didi refuses to stay in the singer/songwriter box Horny Chick wants to put her in. Captain Jack prompts some more boos by telling Didi that her performance was over the top, old fashioned, off melody, no longer contemporary (was she ever?), and sounded like she was swimming in jelly and like a song from a dancing show. Big Sexy wants to know if Simon was referring to that goofy dance show across the hall with the screaming chick or the other dancing show that will soon overtake Idol in the ratings. Trained Seal asks Didi to elaborate on why the song struck a nerve with her. Didi dances around the question so Trained Seal rephrases it and asks her why she was crying after she sang the song to Usher. Again Didi deflects the question and then tries to distract Ryan by saying that it was because of him. Finally Trained Seal gets the hint and tells us that Didi was thinking of someone specific when she sang the song.

Tim Urban, “Sweet Love” by Anita Baker: Teflon Tim gets the first of two Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Trained Seal asks Tim about his new nickname and he thinks its all good, for while he respects what the judges say he is just out there to have fun. If I had a dime for every Idol contestant who has ever said that. I would be a millionaire from this season alone. After Tim’s first performance Usher does not believe that Tim has ever been in love, so he asks Tim to pretend that he is in love with him. When that does not work Usher suggests using an imaginary lover as motivation. This does not seem to work that well either but both Tim and Usher feel more comfortable about it. Tim takes a chance and puts down the guitar and sits on a chair. He has changed up the arrangement to get around how weak his voice is compared to Anita Baker’s and has only marginal success. He actually looks kind of sad, and this is supposed to be a love song. Tim sang a decent vocal for him, the key phrase being “for him.” Big Sexy utters 1 yo, 1 dog, and thinks there were both plusses and minuses in the performance. Randy then goes into detail on the minuses, straining to compare Tim’s performance to a singing waiter and saying that it was pedestrian and without swag or “looove” with a vibrato. Do you know what I’m sayin’? Chicken Little E claims that there is a drinking game out there that requires players to take a drink when she says “adorable.” I think she is not nearly as popular with college students as she thinks she is. Ellen wonders why in the world Tim chose that song and thought his walking around stage was like someone sneaking into a bedroom. Horny Chick thought it was Broadway at times, Vegas at other times, and thought Tim took the soul out of the song on R&B/Soul night. Kara then gets all upset when Tim starts laughing instead of standing there pretending like he is listening. Captain Jack pulls out the mouse pretending to be an elephant analogy again and then talks about how it does not matter what the judges say because Tim and his tweener girl fan base do not care. Simon has clearly gone into Sanjaya Malakar mode here with Teflon Tim. I can only imagine what the folks at Vote for the Worst.com think about this.

Andrew Garcia, “Forever” by Chris Brown: Usher thinks Andrew is nervous as all out during his first performance, so he pulls off the shades to be sincere, urging Andrew to believe in himself and believe in the acoustic version of the song. The strings are back but are hiding in the mosh pit. Andrew is pulling another “Straight Up”, taking a hip hop dance song and turning it into a ballad. At least this time it is a song originally sung by a male artist. And like his performance of the Drunk Chick song Andrew has a strong vocal and is making the song his own. Well done. Big Sexy utters 6 yos (tops for the night) and declares that Andrew is back from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Chicken Little E thinks Andrew finally competed with that “other song.” Horny Chick is happy to declare that Andrew has taken “one giant leap” from wherever he has been the last several weeks. Captain Jack thought this performance was miles better from where Andrew has been the last several weeks but still thinks Andrew is boring. While Trained Seal threatens to get in his grill again Simon strains to explain that contestants cannot be boring if they hope to win, right after saying that Tim Urban has no chance to win even though he is getting by only because of his personality. Trained Seal does finally back away but then mentioned the Drunk Chick song again and provokes Andrew’s mom to come forward and give Simon a piece of her mind.

Katie Stevens, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Katie claims that she had a brush with Usher at a concert some time ago. Usher of course blew her off then but is reluctant to admit it now that Katie is all famous and stuff. Usher urges Katie to adopt a diva attitude and to try and personalize the song by singing it to one guy in the audience. Pretty much the same advice he gave Michael except with the other gender. For once Katie does not start the song in her low register but she is still pitchy. Katie is certainly dressed like she is trying to convey an attitude with her sleeveless blouse and short skirt. She is more or less in tune and her pitch got better as the song went along, but it was flat for me. I kept waiting for her allegedly big voice to bust out and it never did. Not a good thing to happen when you are trying to sing an Aretha song. Big Sexy utters only 1 yo and thought it was disconnected vocally. Even so, he thought it was the best vocal of the night because Katie sounded like Christina Aguilera. Chicken Little E annoys me by mentioning the snuggie poof again and whining about how Katie is acting too mature. Earth to Ellen, the girl is 17, get over it will ya? OK, enough of that. Horny Chick thought it was Katie’s best performance to date and that she is finally where she belongs, but she is still not acting young enough. Captain Jack cannot believe that Big Sexy compared Katie to Christina Aguilera. In response, both Randy and Horny Chick claim that Big Sexy did not mean to compare Katie to Christina, only that Katie has the potential to be as good as Christina. That is not what I heard though. Captain Jack then tells Katie that her performance was good but cold, robotic, and like someone from Star Search. Ironically Christina Aguilera got her first break appearing on Star Search, a fun fact you can share with your friends. He finishes his comments by again claiming that Horny Chick is an idiot and that Katie would be foolish to listen to her. Horny Chick again claims that Captain Jack thinks Katie should be a country singer, while Big Sexy chimes in to say that he sees Katie as a pop singer with an R&B lean. No wonder Katie is so lost. The judges still cannot agree on what box they want to force Katie into. Katie tells Trained Seal that she only listens to herself and not to any of the judges, but I am still waiting to see proof that Katie actually believes this.

Lee DeWyze, “Treat Her Like a Lady” by Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose: Lee gets the second Coca-Cola treatment of the night and still looks and sounds like he is scared. Trained Seal plays the sympathy card and tells us that Lee has walking pneumonia. Usher is impressed by Lee’s voice but can smell the fear. “If you don’t believe it they won’t,” he advises Lee, who treats this like something from Socrates. It did the trick though, because Lee is showing lots of energy in this performance. He is showing good range, decent vocals, and he is not trying to swallow the microphone. Wait, is that a goosebump? And Crystal is not performing? How about that! Big Sexy utters 2 yos, 3 check it outs, 2 bombs, and 1 unbelievable. Ellen thought it was the best of the night. Horny Chick thought Lee brought the song into his world, whatever that means. Captain Jack gets all serious when he tells Lee that he has always believed in him even when Lee did not believe in himself and that tonight Lee finally justified that belief by giving a performance that will change his life forever. I told you he was all serious.

Crystal Bowersox, “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Crystal promised some surprises this week and unalike that poser Casey she actually delivered. Not only is Crystal wearing high heels for the first time she is also playing a piano instead of a guitar. Usher thought it was a grand idea (pun semi intended) even though Crystal has not played a piano in years. Her rustiness at the keyboards is evident when she starts the song as Crystal keeps looking at the keyboard instead of at the hand waving audience. She finally gives up and gets off the bench to sing the chorus. The chick back-up singers are a little odd for a song famous for male back-up singers but Crystal is still working the room fairly well. It was not her best performance but she did change up a lot of things and still managed to give a decent performance. She even wore a dress if you can believe it. Big Sexy utters 2 yos, loves the outfit, and name drops Gladys Knight, who Randy is apparently working with right now, or so he says. Chicken Little E thinks Crystal is “in it to win it,” a revelation the rest of us had over a month ago. Horny Chick is happy that someone is actually listening to her. Captain Jack thought the female back-up singers were “old fashioned” but that it was still a great song choice for her. He then gets serious for the second contestant in a row when he tells Crystal to not listen to the idiot next to him and not let “the process” suck her identity out of her. He clearly wants Crystal to win and justify his claim that this is supposed to be a girl’s year. Trained Seal does not think that Crystal would take a bigger risk and wear a one shoulder blouse like the one Horny Chick is wearing. Crystal thought it was cute but did not commit to wearing something like it.

Aaron Kelly, “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers: Usher thought Aaron was incredible and pushed him to make the famous “I know’s” in the song “personal and theatric,” his “personalized moment.” Is it just me or has Usher gotten personal with pretty much all of the contestants? Trained Seal reminds us that Aaron is ditching high school to be on this show, though this time he made no claims that Aaron was sick. He starts out kind of rushed, though he does sell the “I knows” pretty well. No shrieks from the mosh pit though so I am wondering if they were just muted or if there is something wrong. It was your typical Aaron Kelly performance, a decent vocal of a nice and easy ballad. I wonder if Aaron will ever have the courage to defy the judges and the tweeners and do another type of song. Big Sexy utters 2 yos and sort of says that Aaron worked it out. Chicken Little E strains to make another joke about Aaron’s age. Kara liked it but did not love it. Captain Jack thought it was OK but it was a cupcake compared to Lee’s main course, and again utters he belief that the tweener girls will keep in on the show for another week.

We’re out 2 minutes late with only 10 contestants. Release the Kraken!

The Final Score: 22 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 18 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 15 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 11 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 10 shots at the audience, and 21 shots at Usher the personal tormentor. There were 3 references to former Idol contestants, 6 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 5 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs yet again, 3 name drops, 1 K-word utterance, 20 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 references to dance shows, 2 references to Star Search, 1 tattoo, 1 manslaughter charge, 1 claim about a drinking game, 1 Greek philosopher, 1 broken promise, 1 kept promise, 1 cupcake, and the first goosebump not generated by Crystal.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lee finally stopped singing like he was in front of a firing squad and was the best of the night. I am forced to agree with Horny Chick that if Lee can do this next week he’ll be back in the title hunt. Andrew finally got the judges to stop comparing his performances to the Horny Chick song by doing the same thing to a Chris Brown song. Michael managed to be romantic without being dramatic and gets the third star.

Idol Gives Back: No surprise that Paige Miles ended up being sent home. None of these chicks can afford to crash and burn like she did last week and expect to stick around. Just as Katie, who found herself again on the hot seat. I avoided picking Teflon Tim because of fears that he would embarrass me as much as he did Captain Jack last week, but I was not surprised to see him there.

The Fearless Prediction: A safe bet is that the bottom 3 will be Tim Urban and 2 chicks, the only guess is which 2 girls will be on the cold seats and which one of them will be sent home. We could see Katie back there again and it would not surprise me if Siobhan shows up there for the first time. Her weirdness can only be overcome if she sings well and she did not do that this week. However, I think there will be another first timer, Didi Benami, who will end up in the bottom 3 and finally sent home tomorrow night. Of course I fully expect that now that I have predicted her departure she will be declared safe to bore us to tears for yet another week.