Project Runaway

Hey, guess what, I got to see the entire show, so lucky for you I’ll have two full wrap-ups this week for the first time since January. Of course I am late with this recap. I am not as young as I used to be and it is not as easy for me to stay up late on multiple nights typing these things up. Let’s face it, the show is getting younger and I am getting older.

I am not entirely sure that I will do this blog next season if my non-Idol life stays as busy as it is now, especially now that Captain Jack has already declared his intention to leave the show. Maybe I will do an armchair X-Factor blog instead, though it does not have quite the same ring to it. Until then, though, I will do my best to keep you informed and entertained.

Trained Seal lays down the gauntlet to the girls, challenging them to answer back to the dudes who went the night before. I don’t really see that being that big of a challenge right now given how most the guys have not exactly stood out, except for the perhaps the guy who can bench press 5 Trained Seals and the guy who did the Paula song during Hollywood Week.

After the title sequence Ryan introduces the girls and then checks in with Crystal Bowersox, who is still on the show after spending last night in a hospital bed. She appears to be doing fine. Ryan then goes to the judges for their thoughts. Big Sexy thought the guys were hot and had fire in their eyes. Ellen mimics Randy and Simon and talks about song choice. Trained Seal asks Horny Chick why she seems to be cozying up to Captain Jack. Kara immediately denies any attraction to Ryan and then mimics attraction towards Simon to the extent that makes Trained Seal too uncomfortable.

Crystal Bowersox, “Long as I Can See the Light” by Creedance Clearwater Revival: Crystal bats leads off tonight after getting the closer spot last week. I’ll let you speculate as to whether or not her health scare has anything to do it this. Crystal has a twin brother Carl that she thinks is too square. In response to Captain Jack’s comments last week that she sings like a million singers in subway stations Crystal reveals to no one’s surprise that she had in fact used to perform in subway stations in Chicago. This is why Simon has more respect than the other judges, the dude knows his idols. Crystal starts the song with a gospel organ accompaniment, just as she promised in her intro video. She then adds some country twang to the song after the band jumps in. Crystal showed off a fine gravely voice and made the song her own. Nice job. Big Sexy lovers her and then reminds us that “truth is reality.” Little E was scared for her while she was in the hospital but was glad she came back to show off her “pure, raw, natural talent.” Horny Chick thinks Crystal personifies “Americana rock.” Captain Jack apologizes (as he has been known to do every once in a while) for underestimating Crystal and thinks she has become a serious contender like Kelly Clarkson did at this stage of the competition. Crystal flashes two fingers while Trained Seal reads the phone numbers, and then quickly changes to one finger when she realizes that she was on first.

Haeley Vaughn, “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus: Haeley likes to make hair accessories in her spare time and cannot form a mean face for the camera. She seems pretty nervous talking to Ryan and she initially carries that nervousness into her performance. Her nerves tempered a bit when she got to the big note chorus. The cameraman moves up from below and gets dangerously close to the bottom of her mini-skirt. Be careful dude, she is only 17. Her performance had a few decent moments but it was all over the map. Big Sexy wants to keep it real by telling Haeley that is was excruciating. While Haeley takes it with a smile the audience of her peers did not. Ellen compliments Haeley on her smile and gets cheered, and then she declares that she agrees with Randy and gets booed. Horny Chick thinks Haeley has an “Alex Lambert factor” that the other contestants can learn from. Simon wonders what she meant by that. I wonder if she means the “Adam Lambert factor” instead. Horny Chick tries to get serious and tells Haeley that she really needs another year of seasoning before she gets on the big stage. So why my dear did you put her through? How many other contestants did you and your cohorts send home after telling them that they were not ready yet? Captain Jack agonizes over telling Haeley that her performance was a mess, and then when her cohorts boo he asks them what song they were listening to. I've heard that tweeners hear different frequencies than older people, maybe that explains why they heard something different. Captain Jack then tries to be ironic that she fell while singing “The Climb,” which really irritates Trained Seal to the point where he openly challenges Simon to justify the usefulness of the comment. Ryan quickly drops the banter when Captain Jack refuses to reply.

Lacey Brown, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer: Oh, so that’s who sings this song. Lacey likes to refurbish antique furniture, and like my dad who likes to refurbish old cars she sells them rather than use them. However, Lacey seems convinced that she is born to do this. Singing, not the furniture thing. Yeah, that is what they all say. Just ask Jermaine, who thinks God wants him to stay on the show. Horny Chick suggested that Lacey sing this song after she butchered the Fleetwood Mac song last week. I must admit that this song does match her voice better than any Stevie Nicks song would. Still, her performance seems lackluster to me. Big Sexy dares to utter the K-word and gets booed. Ellen thought it was adorable and gets cheered. Horny Chick likes Lacey’s “special tone” and the fact that she listened to her and did not choose another depressing song. Still, Kara thinks Lacey needs to step it up. The scary part is that this may be the best that Lacey can do. Captain Jack criticizes Lacey for treating this as a competition and will sing whatever is suggested to her, in other words doing what the judges want.

Katie Stevens, “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Katie is embarrassed to tell us that she can say “give me a kiss” in 6 languages. I’m not sure why, she should appreciate that gift because she might lose it one day. I once could count to 10 in 6 different languages, but now I can barely speak one. Katie got criticized for acting too old last week so tonight she chose what she thinks is a more youthful song. She starts with a nice low register, but gets a bit pitchy when she starts shouting. Usually it works the other way around. It was mostly OK but a rather dull song choice. Big Sexy of course disagrees with me and tells Katie that her shouting was better than her singing and that she should use that big voice for bigger songs. Well, I must admit that I agree with the latter comment. Little E still cannot believe that Katie is only 17 but at the same time wants her to be even younger and chose a song that Little E would not hear in her dentist office. Well, I must admit that the dentist thing was a good comment. If Katie sings a Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift song next week then we’ll know that she was truthful when she said that she listens to the judges. I am not sure she can get much younger than that. “ABC” maybe? Horny Chick is frustrated that Katie seems confused by the contradictory comments from the judges. It is real simple; Katie should stop listening to the judges like all the other contestants are already doing. That’ll clear that up real quick. Captain Jack is frustrated too because Katie is not telling the audience what type of artist she wants to be. Perhaps this is because the judges can’t seem to agree on what type of artist they want Katie to be. Simon advises Katie to do some research to find out which artist she should imitate next week. It likely won’t be any teenage artist, since Katie could not name any when Trained Seal asked her to name just one.

Didi Benami, “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers: In addition to praying before her performance like most of the other contestants seem to do, Didi meows to calm herself down. It sounds like she would be a natural addition to the cast of “Cats”. Didi had to look up “indulgent” after Captain Jack accused her of being that last week. Has see not been paying attention the last 9 years? Didi starts out slurring the lyrics but found a little bit of soul at the end, just a little. She still sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White, which means that she’ll be shoehorned into the Top 12 but will flame out sometime around “Idol Gives Back” week. Randy hated the song choice because it displayed Didi’s weaknesses more than her strengths. It is hard for me to think of a song right now that would do the opposite. Little E thought everything was “great” except for the song choice, which was great but not as great as the other great things. Horny Chick utters the K-word and thinks Didi is missing both consistency and uniqueness, and I think she just uttered an oxymoron. Captain Jack thought it was screeching and got booed by one girl in the crowd who I guess thought her friends would back her up. Not this time, though. Captain Jack shoots the girl a mad glance and Big Sexy accuses her of booing everybody. Didi is on the verge of tears and cannot bring herself to respond to Trained Seal’s comforting comments.

Michelle Delamor, “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed: Michelle thinks that what the judges say is important but that she needs to be true to herself. She should talk to Katie. Michelle wants to create a “wow” moment, so of course she picks a dull Creed song. Then she chooses to sing it in some odd pitch that I bet even the music expert Horny Chick does not recognize. She looks good though. Big Sexy is in one bad mood tonight as he admits to repeating himself with his negative comments. Little E forgot that Michelle was singing a rock song and I think she meant that as a compliment. I forgot that it was a rock song too but I am not so complimentary. Horny Chick liked Michelle’s believability and really likes that she listen to the judges and their confusing comments. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and admits that the judges give confusing comments, but that won’t stop him from spewing them out. He then asks fashion designer Vera Wang, ironically in the audience tonight, about Michelle’s nice outfit.

Lilly Scott, “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke: During her Coca-Cola treatment Lilly talks about how she has been working with the Idol vocal coaches to be more of a rock star, and then she mentions in her video how happy she was that Big Sexy recognized her as an indie artist. I think she uttered an oxymoron. Lilly brags about all of the instruments that she can play, though they all look like either a guitar or a keyboard. I am not all that impressed. Now if she pulled out a tuba or an oboe then it would be impressed. Despite being proud of her independence Lilly chooses a song that has been done about a million times on this show. Just like last week, Lilly has scary eye mascara and hair-do to match her scary voice. She was generally in tune and on pitch, though she slurred some of the words. It was OK for what it was. Big Sexy name drops Bjork, Bob Dylan, and Lucinda Williams in quick succession and then for good measure utters the first “worked it out” of the season. What was that about broken records Randy? Little E thinks Lilly has “it” even though she doesn't know what “it” is. Since the last girl who had “it”, Ashley Rodriguez, was sent home last week I wonder how Lilly feels about being tagged. Horny Chick thinks Lilly will inspire all the other “mismatches” out there to try out for Idol. They’re going to need it after Captain Jack leaves. Speaking of the captain Simon thought it was OK but not as good as fellow indie queen Crystal.

Katelyn Epperley, “The Scientist” by Coldplay: This goofy girl is studying to be a recording engineer in case this Idol thing does not pan out. Far from thinking that Horny Chick was a bitch, Katelyn actually listened to Kara and went with a more natural look this week, and for once I think Kara’s comments were highly productive. I am digging the bare shoulder blouse and the mini skirt. I am not so crazy about the singing. Her voice is OK but it is reallllllly…reallllllly…sloooooow. It has to be really hard to stay on pitch when someone is singing that slow because Katelyn is having a hard time trying to do that. Maybe she is focusing too much on her piano playing, even though she is only playing basically three chords. Randy agrees with me so I won’t insult him. Little E was so sleepy that she thought Katelyn was playing a guitar instead of a piano. She also points out to us all that “people can’t vote if they’re asleep.” Now I understand better why the producers jumped the shark and hired her to replace Drunk Chick. Horny Chick thinks Katelyn is kinda hot, and somebody should wake up Casey and tell him that his cougar girlfriend is thinking of trying a different flavor. Captain Jack name drops Natasha Bedingfield and compliments Katelyn by describing her performance as “corny.”

Paige Miles, “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson: It used to be that it anyone who tried to sing a song recorded by a former Idol winner was asking for trouble, but these kids today are either fearless or reckless. At least they are not singing as many Whitney Houston songs. Paige likes to color with crayons before her performances. I wonder if she also orders grilled cheese sandwiches from the kid’s menu like that guy in the Carl’s Jr. commercials. Paige starts out rather weak, to the point that the backup singers are drowning her out. She finally starts to find her voice during the bridge. Trained Seal points out to Paige that Horny Chick wrote the song, which I am not sure Paige knew beforehand. At least she pretends like she did not know. Big Sexy liked the performance but thought there were too many words in Horny Chick’s song to show off Paige’s supposedly wonderful voice. Ellen really liked it but made no comment about the song. Horny Chick surprises no one by declaring that Paige could have a hit with that song, though as Captain Jack points out Kelly Clarkson was not able to do that. Horny Chick then pointed out that she wrote the song about an ex-boyfriend that she was pissed off with and that Paige showed bad form by smiling the whole time she was singing it. Maybe if Kelly Clarkson had smiled when she recorded the song then she might have had a hit with it. Simon agrees with Randy and tells Paige that he thinks the songs are overtaking her rather than the other way around. Trained Seal goes back to Horny Chick’s comments about how it was supposed to be an angry song, and asks Paige if she was happy being angry. He also warns Horny Chick’s husband that he has an angry wife in addition to a horny one.

Siobhan Magnus, “Think” by Aretha Franklin: Siobhan adds to her quirky persona by telling us that she gave herself a Mohawk last year after a slip up with her hair clippers. She doesn't want to be predictable so of course she chooses an Aretha Franklin song. She starts out alright but a bit pitchy, then shows some good intonation with the fast moving bridge before finally unveiling the mother of all big notes at the end. I have no idea where that came from. Big Sexy thought the big note was dope and fearless. Little E compares her to a snuggie. She tries to explain her analogy but it was so inconsequential that I did not bother to write it down. Kara can’t get over the big note. Captain Jack thought the big note was terrific but the rest of the song was horrible. Funny what one note can do. Siobhan explains her ability to belt out big notes comes from singing Kelly Clarkson songs in the shower. Maybe Kelly can have a hit with that.

The Final Score: 19 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 11 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 10 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 8 shots at Little E Ellen; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the band, and 6 shots at the audience. 3 references to former Idol contestants, 4 references to Kelly Clarkson, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 2 iTunes plugs, 5 name drops, 4 mini-skirts, 4 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 2 K-word utterances, 2 oxymorons, 1 reference to a Broadway musical, and 1 fashion designer shout out. Where is Heidi Klum when you need her?

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox emerged from her hospital bed to give the best performance of the night, the second night in row that the leadoff batter defied the producers who like to put the cannon fodder in that slot. Siobhan Magnus gets a shout-out for that big shout-out, and it is a tie for third between Katelyn Epperly’s outfit and Lilly Scott’s mascara.

Idol Gives Back: So much for Ashley Rodriguez being the female favorite coming out of Hollywood Week. I did not expect her to be allowed by the producers to be bounced out so quickly. I was more disappointed than surprised about Janell Wheeler leaving. She was the prettiest girl in the Top 24 and her performance was no worse than any of the other girls last week, so I am at a loss as to why she was given the boot so quickly. It must be those evil tweener girls. Those chicks are going to ruin my batting average this season, I just feel it.

The Fearless Prediction: From my post earlier today: Based solely on who I think should be sent home I predict that Didi and Michelle will be the ones sent packing. I cannot even begin to predict who the tweener girls who control the voting on this show will choose to dismiss, but then again this is supposed to be a "fearless" prediction, right?