Imagine There Will Be An Answer

There is a way to fix this you know. All of you preparing to go on hunger strikes and burn effigies of Tim Urban, there is a way to fix this without resorting to violence or voodoo. Just get rid of the text voting. It is faster to place a text vote than a phone-in vote, even for a clumsy txtr like me, so just imagine how quickly a 12 year old girl who has been texting her entire life can place a bunch of votes while her cougar mom and grandma are waiting for the busy signal to end. Then imagine how many votes the tweener can make when you realize she will never see the 4 figure phone bill like mom and grandma do. Of course, for the reasons I outlined last week there is no way the Idol producers will alienate their most loyal audience that also happens to be an advertiser’s favorite, even though the rest of America is turning the channel to Dancing with the Stars.

This recap is dedicated to one, perhaps the only one, of my faithful readers who is about to go to war with the Big C. This one is for you Lil; it is for you that I am staying up until 2 AM each Tuesday night writing these things.

Trained Seal begins the show from the control booth, even though we can still hear the screeches from the peanut gallery as Ryan plays director as well as star. After the traditional opening credits, deep voice announcer, and the look from Chicken Little E that suggests she is still amazed to be here, Trained Seal wishes departed contestant Didi Benami well with a bit of a smirk on his face. Didi’s bitter comments to the press this past week may explain why the producers asked Trained Seal to try and pretend that he was sort of sincere.

Tonight’s theme is the songs of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Rather than serve as a tormentor Sir Paul sends his greetings via video from somewhere far, far away. Trained Seal asks Randy how tonight’s contestants can possibly follow up the “standout night” the contestants in Season 7 had when they too sang Lennon/McCartney songs. I did not hear what Big Sexy said because my phone rang, but if it was anything close to agreeing with Trained Seal’s assessment of the butcher job the Season 7 contestants did with this theme I did not want to hear it. Chicken Little E said nothing of note, a technique she would use after every contestant tonight. Horny Chick uses her vast knowledge and expertise in songwriting to talk about why she thinks Lennon/McCartney songs are so good. Captain Jack agrees with Kara and says some other meaningless things.

Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”: Tonight each of the contestants get roasted by the others, which Trained Seal bills as “inside information.” The other contestants talk about Aaron’s awesome Yoda impersonations and how Aaron’s maturity and knack for Jedi mind tricks reminds them all of the little green master. Once again Aaron has selected a slow, boring ballad and once again he sings it more or less on pitch and in tune. Once again the peanut gallery is waving their arms to the keep themselves awake during Aaron’s performance. But hey, it’s working for him and for the tweeners who keep voting for him. Big Sexy utters 3 yos; name drops Rascal Flatts, but did not like the sleepy arrangement and did not get booed. Chicken Little E thought Aaron was “fantastic” but that it also seemed like “the long and winding song.” That earned her a boo or two. Kara complains that Aaron keeps singing the same song every week and wants to hear him sing something more up tempo. Aaron responds by vowing to sing something faster next week. Captain Jack asks “sweetie” why he chose that song, and Aaron talks about how this show has been a long and winding road for him. The captain starts talking about how boring and afraid to change Aaron is when he gets interrupted by a loud and direct “BOO” from some guy in the audience. More from him later. Aaron tells Trained Seal about how he “definitely” believed in the song and hears a loud “I love you!” from a different member of the audience. Last time I remember hearing that shouted at a contestant the contestant in question ended up winning the show.

Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”: Trained Seal asks Katie about the 5 prom date proposals she has received from some adoring fans. Katie promises to accept the proposal of the guy who has voted for her the most, as long as they can prove it with phone records. The other contestants talk about how she is everyone’s little sister and how she is a master of the “single lady dance.” I must admit it is pretty darn cool. Katie goes back to the low register start to her song but it is more in tune than usual this time. For the first time I can actually hear the country in her voice that Captain Jack has been claiming exists for several weeks now. Her louder notes are actually pretty good and pretty close to good pitch. I can even feel some emotion from her for once, though I would guess the judges will again whine about how too old and old-fashioned it sounds. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and declares that it was Katie’s best vocal ever. Chicken Little E tells Katie that she won’t be in the bottom 3 this week, without hearing the 7 other contestants yet. I cannot help by reminisce about how Drunk Chick used to say those kinds of things between shots. Horny Chick thinks Katie is blossoming because she is finally listening to what the judges have been telling her. Captain Jack thinks Katie has finally gotten it right by not listening to Horny Chick and instead listening to him and his advice for her to sing country. Horny Chick and Big Sexy of course defend themselves and make fun of Captain Jack and this country thing. Trained Seal joins the fun by asking Katie which country she thinks Simon is referring to.

Andrew Garcia, “Can’t Buy Me Love”: Apparently Andrew is the resident class clown and no one can understand why Captain Jack keeps claiming that Andrew has no personality. Andrew promises to sing this song with a little bit of a twist, and instead throws about 5 or 6 major twists into the song. It was an OK vocal though the ever changing arrangements left me all confused. At least he did not do a ballad version of a hip hop song this time. While none of the judges mention the Drunk Chick song someone in the audience holds up a sign saying “We’re straight up for Andrew!” Big Sexy utters 1 yo and while he thought it was solid he also thought it was corny. Chicken Little E can only say that “you can buy love,” a statement that Horny Chick quickly gets behind. Horny Chick cannot bring herself to love Andrew’s performance though and does not love the smattering of boos either. She did love the breakdown though, which must have been one of the many arrangement changes Andrew made that I lost track of after about the 5th one. Captain Jack goes after Ricky Minor and the band, saying that they overpowered the song and made it all irrelevant. Andrew claims had fun though.

Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”: As expected there were lots of comments from a number of contestants about how big Mike is and how he greets everyone and everything with a high-pitched “hey.” It appeared at first to me to be an unusual song choice for Mister R&B, but Mike explained that he used to sing this song all the time with his family band The Lynche Mob. Now that is corny. Michael lays out the drama from beginning to end, though it sounded a little awkward to me. It sounded like he was trying to fight the urge to turn the song into another R&B number. At the end it sounded like Mike just gave up on the R&B thing and just sang the song. It is no coincidence that this was the best part of his performance. Big Sexy utters 2 quick yos and tells Mike that he has the license to sing whatever he wants even if it does not all work like this time. Horny Chick heaps all kinds of praise on Michael’s fiery vocals and claims that this is what the show is all about. Between her and Big Sexy I have lost count of the number of claims they have made about what the show is all about. Captain Jack gets booed by the audience and a funny face from Michael for claiming that the performance was right out of a musical and was over the top. Big Sexy retorts by claiming that Michael’s performance was current because it would fit right in with Glee. The Fox folks slide some more Benjamin’s into Big Sexy’s pocket for that plug. Horny Chick agrees with Randy but then claims that she is not saying the same thing as him. She repeats this to Trained Seal just to make sure everyone knows that she is an idiot. Michael cannot seem to figure out what to do about Captain Jack’s comment except to challenge him to a pec contest. Typical jock, resorting to chest puffing when standard logic fails.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come Together”: During her Coca Cola treatment Crystal talks about the new city sign her dad put up in her hometown of Elliston, Ohio. Trained Seal also asks about her little cold, but unlike the others Crystal does not used it as an excuse and later tells Trained Seal that she will sing from her death bed if she had to. Now that is honesty. All of the contestants brag about Crystal “Mama Sox” motherly instincts and honesty. The song starts with a note from a didgeridoo, which I am pretty sure is a first for this show. Crystal bops along to a pretty nice groove and kicks it up a notch towards the end. She even cracks a smile. This performance is mixing in a little Melissa Etheridge with her standard Janis Joplin sound. Best of the night so far and the best song choice of the night. Big Sexy utters 3 yos and thinks that it is solid though he was distracted by the Aussie instrument. Chicken Little E loved the didgeridoo and later claims to Trained Seal that she has actually played one before. Most have been on own of her shows that I have never watched. Horny Chick name drops Bonnie Raitt and thought Crystal was slinky and sexy. Hopefully Crystal will keep ignoring Kara’s comments. Captain Jack does too and tells Crystal that her act is working because she is honest. The didgeridoo player, Ernie Fields, Jr., gets a shout out and accompanies Trained Seal’s reading of Crystal’s phone number.

Tim Urban, “All My Loving”: No surprise, all of the contestants brag about Tim’s smile because, let’s face it, they all know that is all his has going for him. Tim seems to know this too, so he picked a song that he could sing with a smile. Tim has traded up from an acoustic guitar to an electric one, but it does not seem to make any difference. He is still pitchy and I still cannot hear the guitar. Is it plugged in? Funny, I did not see a single smile the entire song, except from me. I could not keep myself from laughing at the end of this. It was no train wreck or anything but it is clear he has no business still being on this show. Big Sexy utters 4 Tim’s but no yos, and then says it was a good “Tim performance” because he has given up saying anything critical about this kid. Randy also admires Tim’s mop top hairdo and talks about getting one himself. Chicken Little E thought it was his second best performance this season (first being Tim Buckley’s “Hallelujah”) and gives another reason for the tweeners to screech. Horny Chick praises Tim for enduring the judge’s criticisms but saying nothing worth noting about his performance tonight. Captain Jack actually claims that it was good on its own merits and does not qualify it like Big Sexy did, and then praises Tim for taking the judge’s criticism like a man rather than whining and making funny faces, except for the funny faces that he makes when he sings. It seems the dude judges have gone into full Sanjaya mode, heaping false praise on Tim in the hopes that the tweeners will stop feeling sorry for him and vote for someone else. Tim apparently did not watch Season 6 because of instead of seeing through this ploy he acts stunned that the judges actually praised him for once. Trained Seal tells the screamers to stop interrupting him and works in a promo for the summer tour by telling the screamers that they can scream all they want if they buy a concert ticket.

Casey James, “Jealous Guy”: Leave it to the poser to choose a song from Lennon’s solo career instead of a Beatles song. The other contestants talk about how Casey acts like a playboy and a soap opera star. See, it is not just me who sees this guy as a poser. I am just the only one willing to call him on it. The contestants also make fun of his goldilocks hair. At least I have not done that. Casey has switched guitars with Tim, using the acoustic guitar this time instead of his self-indulgent electric one. Casey sings the whole song acoustically with only a cello accompaniment, and stays in tune and on pitch the whole time. I hate to say it, but Casey was actually good. His vocal showed some soul and was his most authentic performance to date; and there was no self-indulgent guitar solo to be found. Big Sexy utters 1 yo; name drops Stevie Ray Vaughan, and proclaims that he felt Casey up. Chicken Little E makes a quick joke about Casey’s hair and drops some boring words of praise. Horny Chick talks about how Casey finally showed some depth and vulnerability that his performances have been lacking so far. See, even the Horny Chick thinks this guy is a poser. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night so far and was impressed by the “ginormous” difference from last week. Casey tells us that the emotion came from “thinking about being a jealous guy.” Trained Seal thought that was believable, and so do I.

Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”: The other contestants were unanimous that Siobhan is “amazingly weird,” unique, and can hit some crazy ridiculous notes. Siobhan promises something different in her video and I wonder if that means she will be a regular person tonight. The paper mache skirt would suggest otherwise, though her hairstyle is much more subdued than her usual coif. Siobhan has changed up the song a bit and turned it into a pure ballad that sounds like it is from a musical. I am very impressed by her beautiful tone and control. Even her usual big note was in tune and low key. All in all it was very delicate and beautiful. I had tears in my eyes instead of goosebumps on my arms at the end. Big Sexy uttered 1 yo and thought it was too sleepy, but he loved the tenderness and artistry. Chicken Little E name drops Rufus Wainwright and supports Siobhan’s weirdness, but says nothing about the performance worth repeating. Horny Chick is having a hard time processing the fact that Siobhan actually sang the song instead of screaming it like she usually does. Kara does not seem to like the fact that Siobhan hit all her notes and showed control and restraint. Captain Jack wants to know what Siobhan was connecting too while singing the song. Siobhan starts to get emotional as she talks about how she was competing for her baby sisters and that she connected to the lyric that nothing was going to change her world. Simon started talking about how much better she was than last week and how he likes that Siobhan is confusing Horny Chick when he gets interrupted by the same guy that loudly booed him during Aaron’s critique. The judges demand that the heckler stand up and identify himself. Earl seems to like Siobhan’s performance so Trained Seal invites him to the stage and give Siobhan a hug while her phone number is read.

Lee DeWyze, “Hey Jude”: I guess it makes sense for the dude in the closer spot to sing the same song Paul McCartney closes his show with; at least I think he does. “Hey Jude does seem like a natural encore song though, kind of like”Freebird”. Lee is the resident worry wart who is always worried that he will be booted off the show no matter how good his performance is. As long as Tim stays on the show Lee should have nothing to worry about. The contestants also take about Lee’s bromance with Andrew. Crystal gets line of the night honors by saying that Lee and Andrew should get married and make “Danny Gokey babies.” Lee starts the song in a higher chord than the original version and has a hard time hitting all the new notes. Ricky and the band slide in during the second verse but it does not seem to help Lee’s pitch. That is until Lee gets to the shouting part of the song. Things seem to be going fine now and then a bagpipe player walks down the stairs and accompanies Lee for the rest of the song. At least the bagpipe player pretended like he did until he scurried off the stage at the end because I could not hear it over Ricky and the band. It had some good moments and some bad ones, but nothing that will change someone’s life. Big Sexy utters 2 yos; thought the bagpipes were funny, thought Lee was hot, and urges Lee to “please believe.” Chicken Little E strains to make a joke about the bagpipes. Horny Chick says the same thing as Big Sexy except for the yos. Captain Jack thought Lee was doing great until the distracting bagpipe showed up. Trained Seal strains to make a joke about Jude being Scottish and questions Lee on why he wanted a bagpipe player to perform on his song. Lee’s simple response: “why not man!” Why not indeed.

Play “Freebird!”

The Final Score: 20 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 15 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 13 shots at the audience, and no tormentor to take a shot at. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 9 references to other non-Idol performers (including Yoda), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. I would guess this number will drop to 0 as soon as Andrew Garcia leaves the show. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 name drops, 0 K-word utterances, 16 yo’s from Big Sexy, 2 blossoming contestants, 2 foreign instruments, 1 “sweetie” contestant, 1 pec contest challenge, 1 call for an encore, and a tear instead of a goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox earned her place back in this paragraph after taking a week off to get Horny Chick to stopping whining about how Crystal would not wear high heels. Siobhan Magnus brought me to tears in a good way. And yes, I have to give Casey James a star for his performance. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning about this. Honorable mention to Katie Stevens for pulling out her best performance of the season when she desperately needed to have any chance of staying on the show.

Idol Gives Back: The ESP was on overdrive last week. Not only did I correctly predict that Didi would be sent home, not only did I predict that Katie and Tim would join Didi in the relegation zone, but I also foresaw the lame Clash of the Titans promo. Release the Kraken! Sadly, this accurate prediction also confirmed my suspicion that tweener girls have hijacked the voting.

The Fearless Prediction: I have resorted to trying to gauge the level of screeches from the audience after each contestant’s performance to try and guess who will be sent home. I cannot see how there would not be at least one chick in the relegation zone, so I would guess that Siobhan will be there because Katie sang her way out of it and Siobhan got criticized by the judges for not screaming. Aaron deserves to be in the bottom 3 but there is no way he will be placed there until at least Idol Gives Back week, or until all the chicks are eliminated. I keep predicting that Andrew will end up in the bottom 3 so I will try that again. I do believe, though, that this is the week that Tim Urban will finally be voted off the show, despite the smile and the screeches. There are just not that many chicks left that can be voted off before him.

And if Katie or Siobhan get voted off this week then I will consider giving up this blog and finding another outlet for my wit and sarcasm. Well, since Broadway Boy is going to be the tormentor next week I might wait a week before doing that.

Please believe!