Don't Pay Attention to the Judges Behind the Curtain

I think this week I’ll try something new. Rather than write essay long paragraphs about each performance I’m going to instead use a bullet point format to list my thoughts and the wacky judges’ comments. I’m going to try this now to see if this will allow me to go to bed at a reasonable time. It is perhaps appropriate tonight given how the entire show was rushed through so that Fox can start Glee on time. We’ll see how successful both of are with this.

Intro:
- Trained Seal reads off the roll call then has a spooky grin on his face as he starts the show.
- The producers are piping in the audience reaction during the intro, but is it real or is it Memorex? You kids under 35 probably don’t understand that, just like my co-worker today who did not understand the reference to expendable people as being the “red-shirts.”
- Little E is snuggling up to Captain Jack to the amazement of Trained Seal. The Captain admits to feeling a “little uncomfortable” being spooned by someone on his side of the fence.
- Simon tells the contestants that tonight is the “worse night to go” because they would have been so close to the Top 12. Tell that to Ayla Brown, whose father parlayed her departure at this stage in Season 5 to a seat in Congress.

Katie Stevens, “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson:
- Katie gets a cold start from Trained Seal without any intro.
- Tonight she is sounding a lot like Lisa Stansfield; whatever happened to her anyway?
- Sounds decent, more or less how she has been sounding the last three weeks.
- Big Sexy thought the song was too big for her and utters the K-word. Last week he didn't seem to have a problem with Paige Miles singing a Kelly Clarkson song, but now suddenly it is as if Katie committed sacrilege.
- Katie is finally young enough for Little E but now E has a problem with Katie not feeling the words and wanting to break away. Perhaps she does now.
- Horny Chick thinks Katie has a great radio voice that is older than her but that she doesn't know what type of artist she is. It used to be that having a good radio voice used to mean something, like back in the 70’s.
- Captain Jack thinks Katie is confused because she keeps trying to incorporate the judges’ comments into her performance. He too thinks Katie doesn't know what type of artist she wants to be.
- So basically Katie should just stop listening to the judges and do her own thing, and then get criticized for not listening to the judges. So much for her being the Chosen One.
- Trained Seal tries to help Katie by asking her to talk about how much the song means to her because she wants to breakaway from her small town origins. Ryan also points out that Katie was 8 years old when Kelly Clarkson won, and suddenly we all feel old.

Siobhan Magnus, “The House of the Rising Sun” by The Animals:
- During her Coca-Cola treatment Siobhan talks about how she is dedicating her performance tonight to her musician father. Trained Seal regrets that there is not enough time for her father to sing tonight.
- Siobhan is wearing a short Coca-Cola red mini skirt in response to all of the skirts that she saw last week.
- The first verse is slow and pitchy, the second loud and pitchy, the third verse, when Ricky and the band finally start playing, is louder but less pitchy.
- An interesting voice and an interesting song choice that I am not sure what to make of.
- Big Sexy loves how Siobhan likes to take risks and how she doesn't listen to the judges. At least he is being consistent with tonight’s theme.
- It’s because of performances like this that Ellen likes music. Perhaps it’s deep personal thoughts like this that Little E is an Idol judge and Drunk Chick is back home watching the show in the judge’s mansion.
- Horny Chick likes her uniqueness and her “unlikely” character.
- Captain Jack thought it was weird and that he didn't think Siobhan did anything with the song, even though Siobhan completely changed the arrangement. The audience boos and this time I agree with them because I’m not sure what song Simon listened to.

Lacey Brown, “The Story” by Randy Carlyle:
- Lacey sings her song while sitting on the stage steps because Siobhan and Trained Seal were still on the stage.
- She is generally on point but is drifting in and out of pitch.
- I’m sorry; I just am not a big fan of this chick’s voice.
- The camera keeps moving around but Lacey keeps facing forward, but to whom I cannot tell.
- Randy thought this was Lacey’s best performance.
- Little E also thought this was Lacey’s best performance and that he felt like the song was written just for her. Just don’t tell Randy Carlyle.
- Horny Chick thinks this is the type of song that she could record just like the song she sang last week, which Lacey sang after Horny Chick recommended it. So for Lacey it is good that she listens to the judges.
- Captain Jack hates the song but liked Lacey’s singing because she seemed to know where the camera was. I wonder if he’ll change his mind when he sees the playback like he claims he does.
- Trained Seal goes against type by jumping in with the phone number before the bumper music starts. No fish for you!

Katelyn Epperley, “I Feel the Earth Move” by Carole King:
- Katelyn follows up from her revealing outfit from last week with a moppet look this week. She has again ditched the make-up after Horny Chick made snide comments about it two weeks ago.
- This week instead of a piano Katelyn is playing a smaller keyboard; at least we are supposed to believe she is playing it even though as usually Ricky and the band are drowning her out.
- She sounds very nervous to start but gets better towards the end.
- I don’t know, it sounded like a lounge singer performance. Probably not the best song choice.
- Big Sexy dug the frizzy hair and the tiny keyboard but thought that Katelyn’s performance was “very put on.”
- Little E also liked Katelyn’s look but that she fell short. Like I said, she’s on Captain Jack’s side of the fence.
- Kara thought Katelyn was just going through the motions as if she were not in a singing competition and I now understand Big Sexy’s comment.
- In response to Horny Chick’s question as to whether or not Katelyn knew what was happening, she claimed that she wanted to be less corny this week after Captain Jack’s compliment last week.
- Captain Jack follows up this week by describing Katelyn’s performance as “request night on a Friday night at a restaurant if you worked there.” Let’s see how Katelyn tries to address that.

Didi Benami, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac:
- I mentioned last week that she sounds like Megan Joy Corkrey and acts like Brooke White. She has another thing in common with those two; she keeps staying on the show for weeks after I start to predict her departure. I’m going to predict right now that she will make the Top 12 no matter now crappy she sings tonight.
- The producers are doing her no favors with the spooky pink backlighting. That may have been what doomed Michelle Delamor last week.
- She is missing notes here and there and I am still no fan of her voice, but I like how she changed up the song. There is no way she could sing this song straight and avoid another deluge of mean comments from the other judges claiming that she can’t sing like Stevie Nicks. Kind of like what Brooke White did.
- All the judges thought it was much better than last week, which means Didi may be doomed.
- Little E liked how Didi was smiling now after being on the verge of tears last week. Yes, indeedi Didi (E’s words, not mine).
- Both Little E and Horny Chick were afraid when they found out about the song choice, probably thinking that Didi would try and sing it straight, and were delighted to see that Didi did not do that.
- Both Captain Jack and Horny Chick thought it was the best performance of the night, but is that really saying much?

Paige Miles, “Smile” written by Charlie Chaplin:
- I guess the performers are no longer required to pick a song from the Billboard charts. I am not sure Billboard even existed when this song came out, unless somebody covered it when I was not looking.
- Paige is singing this slow song with a very airy voice. As the judges have been bragging about how great a voice this chick has this does not sound like a good song choice.
- Her voice seems to start shaking towards the end as if she is starting to realize that she chose the wrong song.
- Big Sexy talked about how this is one of his all time favorite songs, which he says after pretty much every song, and then starts talking about thoughts of shrimp, beef, and chicken. I guess that is a backhanded way of saying that he thought it was a lounge act performance.
- Ellen thought Paige turned an uplifting sing into a sad and heavy one.
- Kara thought it was all wrong and asked Paige if her hesitation at the end was a sign that she agreed with that assessment. Paige instead claims that she was just getting emotional.
- Captain Jack reaches into his analogy book of tricks and describes Paige’s performance as a “1974 holiday” style “peanut performance,” so named because it is what he would expect to hear in a place where the audience is sitting there eating peanuts, like say in a bar, I guess. Simon has something in common with the producers in that neither of their chosen ones have been up to the task.
- Trained Seal tries to help Paige by asking her why she was so emotional during the song. Paige claims it was because Michael Jackson recorded this song. Now I am as confused as the judges.

Crystal Bowersox, “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman:
- Any bets that Crystal has sung this song before in a Chicago subway station?
- Crystal starts solo with an acoustic guitar, and then picks up her voice to avoid being drowned out by Ricky and the band.
- The chicks up in the balcony look worried, as well they should be, Crystal is again putting them all to shame.
- Her note run at the end impresses the dudes in the audience.
- Big Sexy thinks that Crystal’s performance “is what this show is about for me.” If only it were true. As good as Crystal is does anybody think the tweener girls who control the voting will want to see her win?
- Little E has run out of adjectives for Crystal. I have run out of adjectives for Little E. Suggestions are welcome.
- Horny Chick declares “this is what we talk about when people know who they are.” So now the performers are supposed to listen to the judges when they tell them who they are? I feel like Katie.
- Simon declares Crystal to be the one to beat because her confidence has improved. I am not sure about the latter but I agree with the former, unless the evil teenage girls decide otherwise.

Lilly Scott, “I Fall to Pieces” by Patsy Cline:
- Lilly is strumming a mandolin that I cannot hear. Is anyone actually playing their instrument?
- Lilly gets point for infusing a country twang to a Patsy Cline song. Still, I find myself trying to hold back the laughter. Her voice is just so weird. How can anyone take what she is singing seriously? Her voice would work for a quirky song, like country or something, but if she ever tried to sing a serious love ballad she would be laughed out of the building. Well, perhaps not this audience. Big Sexy thinks Lilly is in a zone, though he did hesitate and stutter a little before he said it. Horny Chick thinks Lilly achieved a significant accomplishment by making Patsy Cline sound contemporary. I may be out of touch with contemporary music but I would be hard pressed to say that Lilly is “contemporary.” Captain Jack again refuses to jump off the Lilly cliff with the other judges. He thought Lilly was brave and cute but that she did not do enough to justify the closer spot.

The Final Score: 13 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 10 shots at Little E Ellen; 9 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 9 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 6 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 1 shot at the audience. The audience did not have enough time to boo tonight. How else can I explain why there were more shots at Ricky and the band than there were at the audience? 7 references to former Idol contestants including 2 references to Kelly Clarkson, 4 references to other non-Idol performers, and 1 reference to Drunk Chick Paula. 1 Coca-Cola treatment, 0 iTunes plugs or name drops (another nice thing about the shortened scheduled time), 4 mini-skirts, 2 skirts paired with leggings, 2 pants, 4 references from the 70’s, 1 K-word utterances, 1 reference to a Senator, 1 banquet order, and 1 minute of overtime.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox has established herself as the best of the girls, which means that she likely won’t win regardless of what the tweeners think since favorites coming out of the semis rarely win the finale. Didi Benami did in fact do better, and I am not just saying that to jinx her. I am still a fan of Siobhan Magnus and admire her wacky song choices and arrangements, despite what Captain Jack claims.

Idol Gives Back: Michelle was kind of a no-brainer because she did not stand out in the two weeks of exposure the producers gave her. Besides, the tweeners seem to be on a mission to weed out all of the good looking girls. Haeley’s departure kind of surprised me because the tweeners seem to like one of their own. Oh well, Horny Chick did say that she was too young, only two shows too late.

The Fearless Prediction: As much as Captain Jack gets booed he is usually pretty accurate about who is going home, so Paige Miles should be very afraid. Katelyn could be sent home because she is pretty, and Lacey could be sent home because she has a weird voice, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that Katie Stevens will be sent home to try and find herself. So I’ll go with Katie and Paige.