As If It Is A Big Deal or Something

OK, let’s see if I can finish this before 2:30 AM so I can show up at work on time tomorrow.

I was thinking of writing up a white paper on why I think the tweeners who have taken control of the voting are accelerating the path Idol is taking to cancelation, and why the Idol producers won’t do anything about it, but now I realize that a) it probably doesn't matter what I think and b) it would double the time it will take to write this recap. So I’ll just do my job and save my ranting to perhaps another time.

The remaining 11 contestants are lined up on stage while Trained Seal looms over them from the video board. Downright scary if you ask me. Another scary thing is Trained Seal’s claim that last week the contestants were successful in rocking the Stones. The judges and Ryan are again introduced by the ominous announcer that is never heard from again. Little E walks out on stage looking around in amazement as if she had never been on stage before. Either that or there is a fly buzzing around her head.

Trained Seal breaks kayfabe for the first time this season by saying that the show is live from “Los Angeles” instead of “Hollywood.” There he goes, shattering the dreams of millions of tweeners worldwide who still think Hollywood is some magical place instead of the slum section of L.A. that it really is. Big Sexy reminds us that the loser this week misses out on the summer tour as if it is like a big deal or something. Little E talks about the importance of voting as if it is a big deal or something. Trained Seal tries to provoke Kara to criticize Simon for criticizing her song writing critique. Horny Chick babbles on about how much she knows about song writing though no one can hear her because Captain Jack is talking over her. Looks like Trained Seal plan backfired. After Trained Seal talks about Simon’s revealing V-neck sweater Captain Jack warns Ryan to stay away from his grill. More homo-banter ensues until Trained Seal and Little E exchange a safe kiss. Captain Jack then talks about how being kicked off this week is like getting 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery, as if it is like a bad thing or something. Personally I would love to get 5 out of 6 numbers in the lottery. Captain Jack may not need the money but I sure do.

Another first of the season is this week’s tormentor Miley Cyrus. Trained Seal tries to dismiss the questions about whether or not a 17 year old can mentor contestants older than her by claiming that she has “lots of experience” and has “conquered all corners of the entertainment world.” Well Miley has not appeared on Dancing with the Stars yet so there is at least one corner of the entertainment world that she has not conquered yet. Miley talks about how seriously she takes her work and how she wants to tell the contestants to just be comfortable and have fun. Is it possible to be both serious and comfortable? Must be that lots of experience talking. Unlike most tormentors Miley actually has the guts to show up in the audience and listen to the contestants sing. Perhaps it is because none of them chose to sing one of Miley’s songs.

Lee DeWyze, “The Letter” by The Box Tops: Miley points out that Lee has not shown any stage presence so far. Glad to see that Miley is providing such sage advice, especially since every American over the age of 13 already knows this. Lee lays out a number of excuses for why he has been so vanilla on stage but in the end he admits that Miley is right. Even though it was announced as a Box Tops song Lee is singing the Joe Cocker version instead, complete with the horns but without the spastic motions. Lee is more or less in tune and on pitch, though he is adding a bunch of new words into the song and flubbing them at that. It was decent but not great, more or less average for him, though Lee showed more personality than usual. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 Lee’s and then claims that Lee “knocked it out.” Little E struggles to compare Lee to her favorite pen that started to run out of ink but then starts to write again. Kara claims that Lee has raised the bar for himself. Captain Jack gets the first of many boos tonight but claiming that Lee’s performance was corny and “not a recording performance,” whatever that means. Trained Seal asks Lee about Captain Jack’s comments from last week when he said that Lee was thinking too much on stage. Lee assures us that he was not thinking at all tonight. Take that for what you will.

During the break we learn that Kris Allen’s car tells him where he can get gasoline in Napa. Glad to see that he is still keeping up the kayfabe and having us believe that he actually drives to his own gigs. When we return Trained Seal brags about how 26 songs by former Idol performers have reached #1 on one of the infinite number of Billboard charts. The real question and the real indicator of how much influence Idol has on the charts is how many of those #1s were not sung by Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Chris Daughtry. I will take the under on that wager.

Paige Miles, “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins: This is the first of two songs tonight that remind me of an ex-girlfriend. Thanks guys, I needed that pick me up. Paige shows off a ring that she stole from a tweener in the audience, which Trained Seal tries to pawn off on Captain Jack. Miley follows the company line by bragging about the power in Paige’s voice, but then breaks kayfabe by pointing out how pitchy Paige is. Paige attributes it to her nervousness. Listen, if you’re nervous singing in front of a 17 year old then there is not much hope that you’ll be comfortable singing for 20 million viewers. Sure enough, Paige is very pitchy right from the first note. She is also racing ahead of the band as if she knows how bad she is singing and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. The pitch gets a little better when she starts shouting the chorus, but then, oops, there goes that note. Oh this was not good, our first train wreck of the season, and not the type of performance someone who was in the final two last week should have. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Paige’s performance to be “honestly…terrible” to only muted boos. Little E compliments Paige for not falling down from her high, high heels but then defers from further comment. Chicken. Hey, I can call her Chicken Little E! Horny Chick complains that Paige stopped listening to the judges, as if it is a big deal or something. Captain Jack asks Paige how she thinks she did. Usually this is a sign that Simon is going to be very negative and wants to avoid being booed. Usually the contestants who are asked this admit that it was not great but that they had fun, as if that is important or something. Neither Paige nor Captain Jack deviated from the script. Paige claimed that she had fun and Captain Jack claimed that the performance was terrible and killed her chances of winning.

During the break we learn that Olive Garden has a cooking school in Tuscany. Tuscany? Really? Is this the Tuscany in Italy or the one in Ohio?

Tim Urban, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen: The tweeners screech when Trained Seal announces his name and now I know why he is still on the show. Miley seems to think that the negative reviews Tim has been getting are because he sings the song straight instead of changing up the arrangement like the others do. So I guess Miley has been watching the show. So of course Tim sings this song straight, though instead of standing still and looking foolish he instead runs around the stage and looks foolish. His electric slide and venture into the mosh pit excites the tweeners though. It was an average vocal but a more animated performance from Tim than usual. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and 1 K-word and then complains about how this is supposed to be a singing competition. Chicken Little E prompts screeches from the audience by claiming that they will love the performance, but she thought it was corny and right out of High School Musical. That explains the screeching. Horny Chick gets booed for claiming that Tim is acting like he is an established artist instead of the loser that she thinks he is. Sounds like someone got rejected “airmail special” to quote the late, great Chick Hearn. Captain Jack says that the slide distracted from the song as if it were a good thing, trashes the song in general, and then tells Tim that he has no chance of winning unless he starts taking singing lessons. Like I've said many times the contestants should stop listening to the Idol vocal coaches if they want to have any chance of winning.

Aaron Kelly, “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith: The string of oldies is broken by the youngest competitor. At least I still recognize the artist. During his Coca-Cola treatment we learn that Aaron has caught the laryngitis bug that Paige claimed to have last week and a bout of tonsillitis as well. Aaron is just a little bit intimidated by Miley, being that she is such a big star and everything and he sang Miley’s song “The Climb” at his initial audition. Miley makes a face when Aaron starts singing but then claims it was because she was surprised of how good he sang. It did not look like that kind of face to me. Aaron at least got a hug from his crush. Aaron starts off with a decent low register. He is no Steven Tyler but he is working this song out. Ballads are clearly his thing, especially since the tweeners love the chance to waive their arms. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and while it was not perfect it was much better than the previous 2 singers. Chicken Little E thought it was the perfect song choice, blames the pitchiness on Aaron’s various illnesses, and talks about how she can see his career already even though he is still in the third grade. Horny Chick loves Aaron’s consistency, his country twang, and something else that I missed because the piano player decided to start rehearsing at that moment. Captain Jack gets booed for saying the performance was old fashioned but gets cheered for saying the obvious, that Aaron has “zero chance of going home.” Trained Seal introduces Aaron’s phone number by saying “if you want to vote for David Archuleta here.” That only confirms to me that Aaron is destined for the Top 5 no matter how bad he sings.

Crystal Bowersox, “Me and Bobby McGee” by Janis Joplin: I figured it was only a matter of time before Crystal sang a Janis Joplin song. Miley of course thinks this is the perfect song for Crystal but that she needs to be more animated. Crystal gets Miley to sign her guitar and join the other famous female artists who have added their autograph to it. Famous being a relative term. Crystal starts out quiet with only her guitar until the band jumps in at the chorus. Crystal was worried that she would not be able to hit the high notes at the end of the song but she seems to be doing alright to me. She is even a little bit animated. Nice, bluesy performance. I think I even feel a goosebump. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares Crystal to be a star. Chicken Little E thought of Crystal when she heard this song on the radio but thought she was still a little too reserved on stage. Horny Chick thinks Crystal needs to put the guitar down and just let herself go. Crystal responds by promising something big for next week. With that and Casey’s promise to reveal his pre-performance ritual if he makes the Top 10 next week should be a dosey of a show. Simon basically says that the chick judges are idiots and that Crystal should not change a thing. He then compliments Crystal for not running around and sliding on stage and declares this version to be the best one he has ever heard.

Michael Lynche, “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge: Idol’s resident Casanova is Miley’s favorite because he was the only one who was not afraid to touch her. Instead he gave her two big ole bear hugs. Miley was also impressed that Mike made eye contact with her while he was singing instead of looking away in fear like everybody else. Mike wants to speak to all of the lovers out there, including presumably the 17 year old Miley Cyrus, so he chooses a song that is almost three times Miley’s age. The string quartet is back along with the screeches that both accompany Michael’s torch ballad right from the start. It was the usual from Big Mike, OK vocal, strong performance. He still seems to be the only one who feels comfortable on stage. In a way it reminds me of Adam Lambert, who also had OK vocals but much better performing skills than anyone else in the competition. I bet you didn't see that reference coming. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s, 2 check it outs, and lauds how Michael knows who he is even though it was only an OK song choice. Chicken Little E is still in love but thought it was safe like driving the speed limit. Horny Chick dares to anger the tweeners but describing Michael’s performance as boring, loungy, and over-indulgent. Horny Chick must be getting frustrated by all of these rejections. Captain Jack actually agrees with Kara for once and then suggested that it would have been better had Michael sung the song without the band. He then babbles on with some more technical stuff that was too boring to write down and then Captain Jack takes a shot at Trained Seal when he says how glad he is that he could talk to Michael without interruption for once.

Andrew Garcia, “I Heard It through the Grapevine” by Marvin Gaye: Andrew thought it was cool to be mentored by Miley, someone “at that level.” Which level he did not elaborate. Miley senses that Andrew was too intimidated being in her presence since he keeps forgetting the words, so she suggests that Andrew put the guitar down by telling him that the chicks will dig him for it. I am not sure that it helped but Andrew at least got a hug from Miley for doing it. It is an interesting arrangement that gets spoiled by Andrew’s pitchiness. Both Andrew and the band are clearly having fun with this song, which as we all know is important to these contestants but seems strangely inappropriate while singing a song about a guy who learns that his girl has been cheating on him. Decent vocal though. Big Sexy utters 1 yo and is disappointed by Andrew and his song choice. Andrew offers to kiss Big Sexy but that does not seem to help. Chicken Little E still loves Andrew but didn't think he would win over any new fans with that performance. Horny Chick feels sorry for Andrew because he seems to have lost himself and feels sick about having to bring up his performance of the Drunk Chick song again. Captain Jack gets booed for saying that Drunk Chick’s song is overrated, but then the audience gets eerily silent when the Captain rips into Andrew for destroying and sucking the life out of the song and for still not knowing what kind of artist he wants to be, except for perhaps making a living singing Drunk Chick songs. Andrew looks really upset about this and claims to Trained Seal that he does know who he is, though again he chooses not to elaborate.

Katie Stevens, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie, not The Four Seasons: I would have thought given Katie’s preference for older songs that she would have chosen the Four Seasons song, but I guess the presence of a tormentor who is the same age as her finally inspired Katie to take Chicken Little E’s advice and go younger. Miley offers little in the way of musical advice to Katie; instead they talk about boys and how to deal with criticism. Haven’t I been saying for weeks that Katie should just stop listening to the judges? I am only trying to help. Once again Katie starts the song in her low register, though this time I can actually hear the pitchiness that Big Sexy has been hearing for weeks. When she got to the loud notes her pitch was better though not great. Maybe she was distracted by her hair that kept trying to fall into her mouth. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and thought it was too sharp. He did think that it was cool that Katie went young with both her song and her outfit. I think that is a little too creepy. Chicken Little E thought it was the best performance of the night, probably because of the young outfit, and called Katie the Dakota Fanning of American Idol, probably again because of the young outfit. Horny Chick starts her critique by challenging Captain Jack’s assessment that Katie is a country singer. That must have been on one of the audition shows that I missed because I do not remember hearing Simon say that. Captain Jack acts like he does not remember this comment either. Horny Chick then lauds Katie for finally feeling the song and realizing where she belongs, and oh by the way Katie has major pitch problems. Captain Jack thought it was a good performance and that meeting Miley was the best thing for Katie, but he still does not think Katie has found herself as an artist.

Casey Jones, “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News: This is the second song that reminds me of an ex-girlfriend, and of course it is performed by one of my least favorite contestants. I think he is torturing me in purpose. Casey tells Trained Seal during his Coca-Cola treatment that he will own this song, then after Miley recommends that Casey make more eye contact with the audience Casey claims he was going to do that anyway. Of course you were, Casey. Casey also tries to be funny by saying that he is a big fan of Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus. No hug from Miley for this poser. The electric guitar is back again but Casey again waits until the end for the self-indulgent guitar solo. His pitch is OK but there is no power in his voice, and this after Casey claimed in his video that he chose this song because of its power. The tweeners dig it of course. Big Sexy utters 2 yo’s and declares that Casey is the greatest guitar player in the history of the show. Did he not just remind everybody that this is supposed to be a singing competition? And isn't it a little unfair to declare Casey the greatest Idol guitar player ever when the contestants were not allowed to play guitars until Season 7? Someone is not paying attention here and it is not me. It’s not Chicken Little E either after she says that this was the best performance of the night. Horny Chick thinks that Casey is on another level and in the zone, so I guess there is at least one contestant that is still taking Horny Chick’s sexting messages. Captain Jack does not want to get personal, with Casey at least, but wonders what twilight zone Horny Chick is listening to these songs in. The Captain gets booed by the audience and the other judges when he says that Casey is not current, not different, and sang like an 80’s cover band. But maybe it is because he is English. Trained Seal cannot understand why Captain Jack and Horny Chick can be hearing two different songs at the same time. One word for you Ryan: hormones.

Didi Benami, “You’re No Good” by Linda Ronstadt: Miley loves Didi’s vibrato, which must be Italian for “pitchy”. Didi and Miley talk about how to overcome nervousness on stage, so Didi chose this song to sing at her nerves because they are no good. Seriously, that is what she said. Didi starts the song way off pitch, perhaps Trained Seal’s mispronunciation of her last name made her nervous. The chorus is a little better but not by much. The sultry arrangement is interesting but a very bad fit for Didi’s flighty voice. She is trying very hard to make this work but for me it is not, though if you like her other performances you would like this one too. Big Sexy utters 1 yo but then more or less agrees with me. Ellen more or less agrees with me too. Horny Chick gets booed for accusing Didi of performing instead of singing and for being too dramatic. Captain Jack picks up on the acting theme by accusing Didi of taking Lacey’s role as the resident actress and singing the song as if it were the last act prior to the intermission. He too gets booed for his efforts. The Captain also plays the irony card and claims that it was ironic that Didi was screeching “you’re no good” over and over. Didi plays the desperate card by fighting back; claiming that she chose the song to do something different and to, you guessed it, have fun. That is the problem with this show right now, there is too many contestants having fun and not enough contestants who have musical talent.

Siobhan Magnus, “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder: Trained Seal and the band put on shades to shield their eyes from Siobhan’s 80’s style Flock of Seagulls hairdo. Molly Ringwald called and she wants her haircut back, after she voted of course. Miley likes the swagger in Siobhan’s voice, and judging from Siobhan’s reaction it was probably the first time she heard the word “swagger” used in reference to her. Siobhan also finally admits that she knows she has been different her entire life. I admire her courage to admit that while competing for the votes of tweeners in a singing competition. Other than being more melodic than usual it is a typical Siobhan performance, decent signing, lots of range, good tone, and a big scream at the end. This scream though sounded a lot more strained than the others. I could feel the goosebumps coming but the scream chased them away. Big Sexy did not utter a single yo, the only time tonight that this happened, and instead lauds Siobhan’s inspiring fearlessness. I’m not sure if he was referring to the hairdo or the scream. Chicken Little E tries to be funny by reciting a line for a 40 year old musical, quoting Oliver by asking “more please.” Horny Chick thought the scream at the end was amazing, and I too now wonder what planet she is listening to these performances from. Captain Jack again claims that some people will love it and some people will hate it and suggests that Siobhan considered screaming at the beginning of the song instead of at the end just to change things up a bit. Siobhan told Trained Seal that if she had a choice she would scream the entire song, and here I was just beginning to like her.

The Final Score: 20 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 16 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 16 shots at Chicken Little E Ellen; 4 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, 12 shots at the audience, 1 shot at the Idol vocal coaches, and 13 shots at Miley Cyrus the tormentor. There were 6 references to former Idol contestants, 1 reference to Kelly Clarkson, 1 reference to Chris Daughtry, 10 references to other non-Idol performers (not counting the tormentor), and 3 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 Coca-Cola treatments, no iTunes plugs (Steve Jobs must no longer be watching), 1 name drop (almost missed Chicken Little E's dropping of Dakota Fanning), 2 K-word utterances, 17 yo’s from Big Sexy, 10 old-fashioned songs (11 if you count the new song by the old-fashioned artist, yeah I’m referring to you Aerosmith), 2 songs with sad associations for yours truly, 2 kayfabe breaks, 1 kayfabe maintained, 1 struggled metaphor, 1 train wreck, 1 restaurant challenge, 1 reference to High School Musical, 1 reference to Casanova, and another lonely goosebump.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Crystal Bowersox once again gets the top star for being again the only singer to inspire a goosebump. Aaron Kelly is still far from the best singer in the competition but he has clearly found his niche with the ballads that the tweeners love and his voice can actually sing. I was one scream away from awarding the third star to Siobhan Magnus but that scream scared me into the big arms of big Michael Lynche, who gets the third star instead.

Idol Gives Back: I was not surprised to see Lacey, Paige, and Tim in the relegation zone but I was surprised that Lacey was the one sent home. But because I have not seen most of Tim’s performances I had not noticed until tonight how much the tweener girls screech when they hear his name. After hearing that I am not so surprised to see him still here. I still think Tim has no chance of winning but I suspect he will be on the show for a few more weeks than I had first thought he would be.

The Fearless Prediction: Do I dare tempt fate and predict that Didi will be sent home? No, I’m not going that far, but I would guess that she is relegation zone material. I am going to give Tim a break and not predict that he will be relegated and instead try Andrew again because the screeches for him were less than the ones for Tim. However, all of contestants had to feel like they were playing with house money after Paige butchered the Phil Collins song just a week after being in the bottom 2. If a decent performance last week could not get her out of the relegation zone then I cannot see how an indecent performance this week will keep her from being sent home and off the summer tour, not that it is a big deal or anything.

It's now 2:15 AM, which means I beat my deadline by 15 minutes. Not that this will make tomorrow any easier....