Gimme Shelter from the Intensity

OK, we have finally reached the sort of big stage with the stairs, the band in the catwalks, the mosh pit full of tweener girls, and the guy with the deep voice introducing Ryan and the judges. What is new this year is the screams from the tweeners being piped in during the opening credits, drowning out the theme song that millions sing in the shower on Wednesday mornings. You may remember that after Adam Lambert rocked the stairs during one of his performances last season Trained Seal gave up entering the stage from the stairs. It is a new season though, so Ryan is back strutting down the stairs to start the show. He is actually fired up as he asks for another round of screams for the judges.

On the Tonight Show Horny Chick told Jay that she thinks a guy will win this season. This of course is at variance with Captain Jack’s earlier statements that a girl will win this season. Not that it matters since the producers and the tweeners ultimately get to decide, but I cannot help but wonder if there are some personal biases at work here and that the judges are trying to use the media to taint the jury pool.

Tonight’s theme is music by the Rolling Stones, or “the Jagger/Richards songbook” as Trained Seal called it later in the show. Ryan called the Stones “the most iconic band on the planet, period.” There goes any chance the producers had of convincing Bono or U2 to be a tormentor this season. After Idol contestants butchered Michael Jackson songs last year and Beatles songs two years ago the Stones were about the only artist left that had at least 12 songs that could be re-arranged into something dull but “contemporary.” Both Mick Jagger and Keith Richards took a pass as being tormentors and it seems that Steven Tyler had other plans this past week, so I am left without a convenient punching bag. At least they did not try to have Charlie Watts give some advice.

Michael Lynche, “Miss You”: The producers clearly do not want Michael to win since they keep putting him on first. Tonight we hear about the contestant’s childhoods in their intro videos. Michael for instance was headed for a career in football until his mother passed away. In honor of her Mike put away the pads and strapped on a guitar instead, much to the surprise of his wife. Perhaps she had been counting on those luxury box seats. Big Mike switched up the arrangement from the original, the first of many to do so tonight. Mike added a little bit of R&B flavor to the song, a good choice given how different his voice is from Mick’s. As usual Mike is strutting his stuff on stage. The vocal is OK but nothing special. He performed the song well if not sing it well. Big Sexy starts the judges’ comments by telling Mike that he “slayed it” though Randy was not too crazy about the arrangement. Ellen gets screeches from the mosh pit but does not saying anything of note. Horny Chick gives about 20 props to Mick before finally getting around to telling Mike that he was “hot on stage.” Captain Jack thought Mike’s performance was “corny,” though unlike his comment to Katelyn two weeks ago he did not mean this as a compliment. He also thought the performance was “a tiny bit desperate.” After the bumper music Trained Seal challenges Simon on the desperate comment. After Simon asks if Ryan wants him to talk to Mike or to him, Trained Seal gets into Captain Jack’s grill and tells Simon that he is only trying to help Mike. The Captain quickly backs away, looking shocked at Trained Seal’s newfound aggressiveness. It seems like Ryan has been more aggressive in attacking Simon’s comments ever since Captain Jack announced that he was leaving after this season. Either that or there is some new sexual tension at play here. Captain Jack did invite the ambiguously gay Trained Seal to come to his trailer after the show to straighten things out.

Didi Benami, “Play with Fire”: Didi told Trained Seal during her Coca-Cola treatment that her mom refuses to watch the show in person because she is too nervous about the judges’ comments. If only Drunk Chick were still around, then perhaps Didi’s mom would feel more comfortable, at least until the camera inevitably finds her in the audience. Mom gets even with Didi by revealing in her video that Didi was a “high needs baby.” Didi initially turns the song into a torch ballad with a number of pitch problems that remind me how much I do not like her voice. The pitchiness continues through most of the songs, except for perhaps the shouting she did for the chorus. The mosh pit loves the shouting of course, and greet the pitchy verses with waiving hands. The arrangement was interesting but her pitch was all over the map. As you can probably guess by now, Big Sexy comments on the pitchy song performance by declaring it was “on fire.” Only now as I type this do I realize Big Sexy was attempting to be ironic. Little E thought Didi got lost but managed to find her way back, all without leaving the stage. Horny Chick thought Didi pushed the vocals but admired her intensity, another common theme that Kara would harp on for most of the night. Simon more or less agreed with the others. When Trained Seal asked Didi to explain why she chose a darker song than usual she first tried to blame her new roommate Siobhan and then claims it is because L.A. is a much tougher town that her hometown in Tennessee.

Casey James, “It’s All Over Now”: Casey continues to earn negative points in my book by talking about how he is from Cool, Texas, how he was raised by a single mom, and how he survived seizures as a child. So he is a sob story as well as a poser. Great. Casey tempts fate by bringing back the electric guitar, though this time he has the courtesy to wait until the end of the song for his self-indulgent guitar solo. Casey is in tune, on pitch, and clearly having fun on stage, so I will give him credit for that albeit reluctantly. His performance has sort of a Garth Brooks sound to it. The vocals were a little flat but overall it was OK. Big Sexy name drops Kenny Wayne Sheppard and another guy that I could not interpret. Little E thought it was fantastic and that the hearts of “most women” everywhere where racing except “for people like me… blondes.” Don’t ask, don’t tell, Idol style. Horny Chick is back full on the Casey train and declares him to be a real rock star with his best performance “since we met.” All of America asks: “what does she mean by ‘we’?” Captain Jack thought Casey looked great and sang well but that it was like an audition performance, not the star performance that Horny Chick was watching. Trained Seal talks to Casey about whether or not he and Little E are natural blondes. Casey of course claims that he is.

Lacey Brown, “Ruby Tuesday”: After the first iTunes plug of the night from Trained Seal, Lacey and her parents talk about how shy Lacey was when she was a kid and about how their family spends so much time at the church where her parents are both pastors. Imagine growing up with two parents who are both ministers. No wonder Lacey dyed her hair beet red after she left home. Instead of Ricky and the band Lacey performs the song with a string quartet, but this is hardly a chamber music arrangement. Instead it is the quirky style that she has become famous for ever since Horny Chick told her to stop singing Stevie Nicks songs. She is also back sitting on the stage during the song, probably because Horny Chick complimented her about doing that last week. I think it is fair to say which judge Lacey pays attentions to. It was real pitchy to start but unlike Didi Lacey manages to work her way out of pitchville. It was alright for what it was, and with Lilly Scott no longer in the picture quirkiness could take her deep into the competition. Big Sexy thought it was the most “interesting” performance of the night, a Drunk Chick way of criticizing the performance without getting booed. Ellen thought it was weird that Lacey stood up during the slow part and sat down during the fast part, which makes sense but doesn't matter since Lacey does not listen to Little E anyway. Horny Chick liked the drama but heard some missed notes, so she is 50/50 overall. Let us see if Lacey can make sense out of that. Captain Jack thought Lacey was right with the vocals, and then verbally strips Lacey raw by talking about how she performs like an actress, very precise, very thought-thru, and too overthinking. Lacey has no choice but to admit the Trained Seal that Captain Jack was right, so Ryan helps her out by showing her the rest of the stage.

Andrew Garcia, “Gimme Shelter”: OK, let’s see how this guy handles a song originally performed by a bunch of dudes. Andrew’s dad brings up the gang thing again, and then says what the SEIU might think is a racist comment by telling us that he thought Andrew would be a janitor because he liked to jangle keys. The music starts kind of space agey with the synthesizer and I am thinking the worst. This is not the kind of song that you would want to do in New Age style. Thankfully Andrew does not go down that path and instead chooses to play it straight, albeit without the grit that we are all used to hearing from Mick and his many imitators. Overall it was a solid performance, his best since the performance of the Drunk Chick song. Big Sexy of course thought it was too pitchy. Little E agreed with me, but what does she know? The song did not connect with Horny Chick because it is about war and Andrew did not sing it as if he were at war, leading to this priceless exchange between her and Captain Jack:

Simon: “What was he supposed to do?”
Kara: “I just wanted more intensity!”
Simon: “You want him to come on stage with a tank or something?”

Long, uncomfortable silence follows…

Horny Chick continues to try to justify her intensity comment by debating with Captain Jack about how intense the Stones were and how she is taking things too literally. All the while Trained Seal is shouting off mic that Horny Chick seems angry. Simon finally gets around to telling Andrew that he was in the middle on the performance but liked that Andrew showed a lot of effort and that he was finally venturing away from Drunk Chick’s songs.

Come to think of it, wouldn't it be cool if some actually did come on stage with a tank? Just think of all the stupid shoot the judges comments that would elicit?

I've been typing this for almost two hours now and I am not even halfway through. I hope Carson Daly has some good guests tonight.

Katie Stevens, “Wild Horses”: During her Coca-Cola treatment Katie talks about how much the song means to her because wild horses cannot drag her away from Idol. She also passed Trained Seal’s test by correctly identifying Mick Jagger as the lead singer of the Rolling Stones. Katie is wearing some quirky paper dress that Bjork would be proud to wear, the second time this season I have referenced the Icelander. She starts in her low register again that I like but Big Sexy does not. Katie sounds even older than usual but since this song is twice her age it is not so bad. The crowd is waving their hands again to this torch ballad. Overall it was a good vocal, probably her best of the live shows. All season the judges have been complaining that she sounds too old and that she doesn't know what kind of artist she wants to be, when all along the type of artist she wants to be is an older one. Big Sexy talks about all the misdirections the judges have been giving Katie but stops short to admitting his own guilt. Little E makes a snide comment about the dress and thought it sounded good, and did not say anything about Katie’s age. I guess she got the hint. Horny Chick thought the melody went in the right direction. I guess she did not get the memo about providing Katie with more cogent comments. Captain Jack liked the song choice and, after name dropping Susan Boyle, tells Katie that she finally connected with her song, eliciting a quick “yes” from the contestant.

Tim Urban, “Under My Thumb”: After iTunes #2 Trained Seal declares Tim “The Comeback Kid”, though what he came back from I am not sure. Tim is our second acoustic guitar performer of the night and about the sixth pitchy performance of the night, or maybe it is just the wrong key. Tim changed the song into a reggae number even though he is not a reggae singer. This was just weird, the facial expressions, the arrangement, even the vocals. If he really wanted to do a Stones song reggae style he should have tried “Sympathy with the Devil” instead. Big Sexy too thought it was bizarre and gets booed for keeping it real. Little E boos herself, and then imitates Captain Jack by talking about how she was thinking about pina coladas during Tim’s performance. Horny Chick tries to be polite by applauding him for trying something different. Captain Jack starts out nice by agreeing with Kara and then rips into Tim for making a crazy decision that likely caused Stones fans to turn the TV off. I believe that happened about an hour before Tim took the stage. Even Trained Seal gets into the act, openly wondering what the Stones think about how Tim butchered their song.

Siobhan Magnus, “Paint It Black”: You know, as soon as I heard that this was Rolling Stones week my first thought was “I bet Siobhan is going to sing ‘Paint It Black’.” Either Siobhan is not as unpredictable as the judges claim she is or I have been paying too much attention to this show. I read another Idol blog that claimed that Siobhan’s dad looked like Brian Johnson from AC/DC and now I cannot help but notice the similarities. Siobhan is wearing the same type of light dress as Katie but of course it is painted black. She starts with a slow arrangement that would be at home in a Tim Burton movie. Then the band kicks in to make it faster but just as spooky. I just started feeling goosebumps when Siobhan spoils it by straining her voice, but then she brings it back with another big, long, loud note that surpassed the one she did two weeks ago. She finishes up with a slow haunting finish and, hey, there is a goosebump. Best of the night so far. Big Sexy praises Siobhan for “bringing the drama to American Idol!” Little E loves everything and loves how Siobhan stands out in a crowd like Snookie’s Poof. OK, you got me with that one. Horny Chick is having an Adam Lambert flashback. Captain Jack thought it was the best performance of the night but wonders if Siobhan thinks she has to scream at the end of every song now. Trained Seal brings out Siobhan’s glasses and gets her to admit that she sings without glasses or contacts. The legend of Siobhan grows.

Lee DeWyne, “Beast of Burden”: Apparently the hard life that Lee hinted at last week has something to do with his time working in a paint store. Like Katie’s Coca-Cola treatment, Trained Seal puts Lee to the test by asking him colors for Snuggle Puss and Cupid’s Dart. Lee gets one of out two correct, and Trained Seal acts all smug like Alex Trebek. Before he starts Trained Seal warns us about how nervous Lee is and all of America wonders if this is a set up or an upcoming train wreck. Lee is strumming along slow and steady, kind of like Dave Matthews singing a Jack Johnson song. Now I am name dropping. Lee does not seem all that nervous, except for the slurred lyrics and another attempt to swallow the microphone. The vocal was decent though the arrangement was kind of dull. Hence my name drops. Big Sexy thought it was “dope” and name drops Rob Thomas along with Dave Matthews. Little E thought it was a great but a little short of complete like a hospital gown. Somebody has been peeking into Captain Jack’s bag of analogies. Horny Chick thought Lee has been growing more than anybody but does not say anything about the performance. Captain Jack, for about the fifth time tonight, starts with a compliment about how good his voice is, but then rips him bare by telling Lee that he is hiding his personality and is singing like he thinks others are better than him. Maybe I should start calling Simon Dr. Jack, psychiatrist to the wanna-be stars. Trained Seal tries to throw a bone to Lee by asking about how his nervousness may have affected his performance, but instead of answering straight up Lee talks about how he chose the song.

Paige Miles, “Honky Tonk Woman”: Paige tries to claim the sympathy vote from Casey by talking about how her dad died when she was 4. At this point she needs all the votes she can get. Paige wisely changes up the lyrics, first singing about a “honky tonk man” and then changes them again to sing about how she is a honky tonk woman. I admire her logic. For once we are finally hearing the strong voice that the judges have been claiming for weeks that she has. But it is it too little too late? Big Sexy thought she had worked it out, though this time he did not exactly say that, but he wanted to see more energy. Little E mentions that Paige had problems with her voice this week, which was news to Big Sexy. Now we know which judges go to rehearsal and which one does not. Horny Chick thought Paige was a little lost but admired her effort with her voice problems. The chick judges sound rather desperate to keep Paige on the show since they keep bringing up this mysterious voice problem. Captain Jack was happy that Paige finally validated all of his comments about her great voice. Trained Seal continues the sympathy drive by pointing out that Paige’s voice was so bad that she had to skip rehearsals.

Aaron Kelly, “Angie”: In his video Aaron talks about coming from a 50 house town. Is it me or is every contestant this season from a small town? After his mom tells us that Aaron was adopted Aaron wonders where he got his singing ability from since his mother doesn't sing. I wonder if Aaron knows that he is an adopted child. Either Aaron or Ricky and the band started early, I’m not sure which, but after a few notes Aaron and the band kiss and make up. His vocal is only so-so but that does not stop the mosh pit from waving their arms again. It was just OK for me. Big Sexy though loved the tender moments and name drops Rascal Flatts and Justin Timberlake. Little E accuses Aaron of copying her hair style but still loved the performance and the song choice. Horny Chick thinks Aaron showed her up this week after she trashed him last week even though the performances were not that much different. Captain Jack didn't get the Justin vibe that Big Sexy did but admired Aaron’s effort and his wisdom in choosing a song that he could sing with his girly voice. Trained Seal tries to help Aaron by asking him how difficult it was to learn the song.

Crystal Bowersox, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”: The producers clearly want Crystal to win since they keep putting her on last. Her dad talks about her days as Crystal’s roadie and how touched he was when Crystal wrote a sing about her. She changed up the arrangement, making it 12 for 12 for the night, by ditching the choir and bringing out the acoustic guitar with someone’s signature on it. The audience claps along to Crystal’s steady beat until the band kicks in at the second verse to drown them out. Crystal starts to boogie with Ricky and the band, I think the first time I have heard her do that. It was well done as usual, with kind of a Melissa Etheridge feel to it. Big Sexy was not amazed but not disappointed either. Ellen saw some personality too. Crystal tries to explain her lack of personality in her earlier performances by talking about how she thinks too much when she performs, so Little E tells all the kids out there that “no one should think.” As it is now close to 1:30 AM this comment has more meaning to me than it did at 9:52 PM. Kara agrees with Ellen. Captain Jack asks Crystal why she thinks she is overthinking, which Crystal explains is because she has a lot on her mind. Trained Seal restrains himself and does not ask Crystal what she has been thinking about. The Captain then talks about how Crystal had been the favorite coming into the finals but that Siobhan had out sang her tonight. Crystal denies that she is the favorite, perhaps a smart move given what has happened to the favorites in seasons past, but thanks Captain Jack for saying that.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 21 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 17 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 14 shots at Little E Ellen; 5 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 9 shots at the audience. There were 4 references to former Idol contestants, 34 references to other non-Idol performers (no wonder this took so long to type), and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 iTunes plugs, 12 changed arrangements, 10 name drops (including mine), 1 self-indulgent guitar solo, 3 acoustic guitars that were seen but not heard, 2 pop quizzes, 2 lost and found contestants, 1 gang reference, 1 union reference, and one lonely goosebump. And nobody dared to take on "Satisfaction".

Your 3 Stars of the Night: If Siobhan were not so, well, weird she would be the morning line favorite, but as it is she was the best on this night. Michael and Crystal were their usual solid selves, and Paige earned an honorable mention for finally showing America that she can actually sing.

Idol Gives Back: Check out my last post. I pretty much covered everything I needed to say there.

The Fearless Prediction: Almost everybody did a decent job tonight, everyone that is except for Mr. Urban and his grimacing reggae performance. I suspect Andrew will be in the bottom 3 only because the producers hinted that he was in trouble last week and he didn't exactly blow it out of the box tonight. Joining him in the relegation zone will probably be Paige, though I can see either Katie or Lacey being there instead. It'll be a chick anyway. The other dudes have too much appeal to the tweener girls to be in danger of leaving now. Yeah, I'm talking to you Aaron. That leaves Tim. He was the only one that Little E criticized, and even Trained Seal got into the act while claiming that he is only trying to help the contestants. I am a little nervous picking Tim because he has managed to survive 4 weeks longer than he should have. I can only assume that it is because the tweener girls seem to like him. However, I cannot in good conscience choose anyone else, so I predict that Tim Urban will be sent home tomorrow night.

It’s time for Last Call with Carson Daly, who has ditched the audience and is now doing his show documentary style. Boy Ellen Barkin is starting to look old. Michelle Pfeiffer is still looking fine though. Alright, I’m getting punchy now so good night from the armchair.