Dropping Frustration

Just in case the DVR wanted to be uncooperative again I watched the show live, or as live as it gets in the West Coast. But at least I don’t have to stay up past midnight to see the end of the World Series games. I only have to stay up past midnight to type these recaps.

From Hollywood, this is the Ryan Seacrest Show. Trained Seal begins by telling us that the remaining contestants have seen “two of their own sent home.” Ryan then explains why the dudes were on stage instead of the chicks. Girl contestant Crystal Bowersox was taken to the hospital earlier today and was under doctor’s orders not to perform tonight, so to help her get into the Top 12 the producers decided to switch the schedule and pressured the dudes to “agree” to sing tonight instead. Ryan did not bother to say why Crystal was in the hospital nor did he speculate as to whether or not she will be able to perform tomorrow night. As soon as I post this I’ll check the Net and find out. I’m sure somebody has spilled the beams.

Randy and Ellen have switched seats from last week so I guess Little E is a little more comfortable sharing a stage with Captain Jack. I saw some reviews of Ellen on CNN.com and most of them felt that she was too nervous and tense and that she should just be herself. Kind of like the contestants. In reference to Crystal’s absence Trained Seal asks Little E if she ever missed a show, and Ellen tries to be humorous by saying that she missed American Gladiators and Bewitched but not her own show except for the day she spent in the hospital with Ryan. She was so much funnier when she was tenser. Horny Chick is sporting an 80’s style boofy hair-do reminiscent of some of the classic dos her ex-running mate Drunk Chick used to sport. Captain Jack is still holding the company line that the girls are better than the guys this season, though he concedes that the gap is “only a smidge.”

Michael Lynche, “It’s a Man’s World” by James Brown: For the second straight week Big Mike bats leadoff. Michael admits that he is big into musical theater and that he can bench 505 pounds. He wants to prove Simon wrong and be the main event by making an interesting song choice. Michael is as expressive as he was last week but his voice is much better. He is showing some soul for once. He is a little out of synch with Ricky and the band but overall it was well done. Randy gives Mike a standing O. Little E thought the song was “educational,” apparently offended by the song title, but she still liked the song choice. Horny Chick is now finally getting Michael and wonders what he ate that caused him to change so much. In his case that could be a dangerous question. Captain Jack attempts to compare Michael’s transition to that from a pussycat to a lion. I am pretty sure he has used that one before. Trained Seal tries to follow up on Kara’s comment by asking Michael if anything has changed in the last week. Turns out his wife and new baby will be flying out on Friday. He must be pretty confident that he’ll be back next week.

During the first break we learn that NASCAR driver Carl Edwards wants to call Kanye West from his new Ford and that K-Mart has layaway. Hello!

John Park, “Gravity” by John Mayer: John gets the first of three Coca-Cola treatments tonight. Apparently John is a member of an a-capella group at Northwestern called “Purple Haze.” You see, Northwestern’s colors are purple, and… oh forget it. John’s secret is that Korean is his second language instead of English. I’m not sure how secret that is. If he has said that his first language was Farsi, then I would have been more surprised. John promises that tonight he will be “honest and relevant.” Turns out he only batted .500 on that front. His performance was better than last week’s but his voice was too breathy and he had a hard time staying in rhythm with Ricky and the band. Big Sexy thought his performance lacked spice. I thought he was on a diet. Little E wanted more soul, or should I say Seoul (sorry, I could not resist). Kara did not think it was believable enough. Captain Jack thinks John is a goner after his “so what performance,” and Trained Seal quickly challenges him on that comment. In the meantime Horny Chick tells anyone listening to her that all the judges agree with her.

Casey James, “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw: Casey claims that he never watched Idol before he auditioned, so he wasn't aware that Bo Bice, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Richardson all sang this same song on the show. Casey also claims that he has not watched TV since the age of 7 and that he bought and restored his own house. Now isn't he special, and all this time I thought he was on the show because he was eye candy. Casey also mentions his pre-show ritual but he won’t tell us what it is unless he makes it to the Top 10. Now I really dislike this guy. Casey rocks it out with the electric guitar but his vocals are flat and nasally. If this was America’s Got Talent he would earn 4 stars but this is a singing competition. Big Sexy has apparently forgotten about this and compliments Casey for his Hendrix, Stevie Ray channeling. Little E thinks Casey is there “on paper” but was too stiff on stage. Speaking of stiff, Horny Chick is still a fan but thinks Casey took two steps back and then reminds Big Sexy and Little E that Idol is supposed to be a singing competition. Simon accuses Casey of being a poser and claims that Casey does not have enough grit in his voice. Trained Seal tries to provoke Casey to disagree with Captain Jack’s comments but Casey is too savvy to fall for that. I now question Casey’s claim that he had never seen the show before.

Alex Lambert, “Everybody Knows” by John Legend: During his Coca-Cola treatment Alex admits to Ryan that he was so scared last week that he threw up before the show. Alex has perhaps the most interesting secret of the night; he invented a language when he was in 6th grade. It sounded like a cross between Spanish and Japanese. Alex has his comfortable guitar this week and he sounds a little more confident, though perhaps starting the song unplugged was not the best idea, especially for someone who claims to suffer from stage fright. Alex is better than last week but it is still kind of flat. I am still waiting to hear the great voice the other judges claim that Alex has. Big Sexy bonds with Alex over the language thing and thought he was “way legit tonight.” Little E thought Alex’s ripe banana ripened during the past week and then tries to convince Alex that she meant the banana thing as a compliment. She also compared Alex to “Sam Cooke with a mullet.” Horny Chick thinks everyone would die for Alex’s tone, if only he were not so scared every time he tries to sing. Captain Jack thought it was a million times better than last week and then drops this tidbit of advice: “the only time you should be nervous is if you’re useless.” Words to live by. Simon still thinks Alex is missing a killer instinct. Trained Seal tries to draw that out of him but the best that Alex can muster is a weak “I really want to be here.”

Todrick Hall, “What’s Love Got to Do with It” by Tina Turner: During his Coca-Cola treatment Trained Seal asked Todrick about all of the heat he took last week for monkeying up a Kelly Clarkson song. This week Todrick promises that he won’t be compared to the original artist, and chose a Tina Turner song specifically for that reason. I see, the dude chose a song by a woman so that he would not naturally be compared to the original singer. Can’t fault the logic, even though it makes no sense in reality. Todrick also promises to sing to Ellen’s “baby blue” eyes, even though her eyes are actually hazel. To top it all off Todrick compares himself to Drunk Chick, a singer who can also dance instead of a dancer who happens to sing. Oh deary deary. Todrick’s performance is OK but pales in comparison to the original singer, but then I am not supposed to compare Todrick to Tina Turner. It sounded like a lounge act. Randy liked Todrick’s falsetto but not the “wild arrangement.” Instead Big Sexy wanted Todrick to “just sing” the song rather than change the arrangement. Ellen wanted Todrick to dance more and didn't like the song choice and got booed by the tweeners in the audience. Horny Chick still thinks Todrick is likeable by openly wonders where the Todrick from the auditions went. Perhaps he left with the pants on the ground guy. Simon thought it was a theme park performance and that Todrick has got it all wrong. Trained Seal tries to reconcile Big Sexy’s comment that Todrick was “one of the best that we found” with Captain Jack’s comment that Todrick has got it all wrong. Todrick then asks Ryan why the judges are upset about him changing the song arrangements when they tell all the other contestants that they want them to do just that. Dude, you should know by know that you are playing with fire if you actually listen to the judges’ comments. Except mine of course. I’m straight up with you buddy.

Jermaine Sellers, “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye: Jermaine rocks his “onesee,” which I guess is the new name for a one piece pajama. Jermaine then tells us how he could not believe how harsh the judges were last week. He trashed the band during Hollywood Week and then trashes the judges now. This will not score him points with the producers who control his fate. Jermaine turned this classic soul song into a really slow miasmic ballad straight from a wedding reception. He tries to change it up a bit at the end but by then it is too late. Big Sexy is frustrated that Jermaine butchered a Marvin Gaye song. I am just mad. Ellen got cheered for liking the onesee but got booed for saying that the performance did not work for her. These tweener chicks are way too fickle. Kara challenges Jermaine to find the meaning in the songs. As frustrated as Jermaine clearly is to hear this he refrains from challenging Horny Chick to find the meaning to her songs. Captain Jack is also frustrated and disappointed and thinks Jermaine is watering down his songs. In this case he sure did. Jermaine asks the judges to tell him what to sing next week as if that will actually help, and only Little E steps up to challenge by suggesting Maze. Jermaine also challenges the judges to come to church with him on Sunday, supposedly so that they can really hear him sing, and Captain Jack immediately accepts. Jermaine claims to be a God fearing person and that God will ensure that he will be back next week. Jermaine, let me tell ya, God has a plan for all of us, but it is obvious to everyone but you that God’s plan does not involve you sticking around for much longer.

Andrew Garcia, “You Gave Me Something” by James Morrison: For the second week in a row a singer confuses me by selecting a song that I first thought was performed by The Doors. Like everyone else tonight Andrew took in the judges’ comments from last week, a polite way to say that he blew them off. Andrew starts out with a decent imitation of Taylor Hicks but soon thereafter he starts to get a little pitchy and flat. He has a great voice if he ever learns to sing in tune. Big Sexy name drops Jason Mraz and gets booed for pointing out the pitchiness. Little E wants to tattoo Andrew’s name on her neck but then brings up his performance of Drunk Chick’s “Straight Up” again. Horny Chick also brings up the Drunk Chick song and claims that it has been all downhill for Andrew since then. The same could be said for American Idol. Captain Jack is still frustrated with Andrew and wants him to go back to changing up the arrangements, only 15 minutes after he told Todrick Hall not to do that. Trained Seal carries on the Drunk Chick theme by asking Andrew which Paula Abdul song he will sing next week.

Aaron Kelly, “My Girl” by The Temptations: The youngest dude in the competition talked about his love for photography and how awesome he felt after Captain Jack urged Aaron to believe in himself more. This must be the Backstreet Boys version of the song because that is what this performance sounds like. He has a decent voice and there were no major mess-ups but it was not all that impressive. Big Sexy amazingly did not bring up the age thing but got booed for saying that the second half of the song was not very good. Little E channels Captain Jack and says that the performance was forgettable. Now she is trying too hard. Horny Chick makes up for Big Sexy and brings up how much control he has for a 16 year old. Captain Jack thought Aaron was all over the place and, to Big Sexy’s approval, name drops Justin Bieber. Who the heck is Justin Bieber? I looked him up on line and he is one of those evil Canadians like the ones that took our hockey gold.

Tim Urban, “Come on Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson: Since I was already online looking up Justin Bieber and went ahead and did the same for Matt Nathanson since I had never heard of him either. As I said before, part of the reason why I watch this show is to learn about who the kids are listening to these days. I’m proud to say that he is one of us. This is my first opportunity to hear Mr. Urban’s voice and I am not all that impressed. It is decent but he is a bit pitchy. Big Sexy pulls out the K-word for the first time this season and got booed. Little E got booed for saying that Tim would be better off acting on Glee rather than sing on Idol. Horny Chick is frustrated because it is not adding up for her yet. Idol has apparently become a math competition in her eyes. Captain Jack shocks everyone, especially Tim, by saying that he liked the performance and his work ethic after telling Tim last week that he should not even be on the show. Trained Seal embarrasses Tim by asking him why he was exhaling during Kara’s critique. It’s called breathing Ryan.

Lee Dewyne, “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder: After 9 performances of songs that I heard before the last 3 contestants required me to look up the artist online just to find out who they are. Thanks for the education guys. Lee talked about the bad decisions that he made as a youth without going into any details. Dude, if you are going to use your experience to win this contest then we deserve to know what you got busted for. Lee shows off a nice deep voice, one of the few dudes that actually have a deep voice that would sound even better if he stopped trying to shallow the microphone. Big Sexy liked that Lee took chances, basically by choosing a song that was a bigger hit in Canada than it was in the USA. Little E interprets his nervousness as “intensity.” Horny Chick thinks he can sing on the radio right now, as if she would know. Simon thinks that he would be the one to beat if he can only lose the nerves. Trained Seal tries to help out by recommending that Lee get to know the mic stand.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 12 shots at Little E Ellen; 11 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 10 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara (seriously? Only 7? I thought with that haircut there would have been more); 3 shots at Ricky Minor and the band, and 5 shots at the audience. 6 references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, and 4 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 artists that I had never heard of before, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 references to old TV shows, 5 name drops, 1 NASCAR driver, 1 church invitation, 1 K-word utterance, and 1 reference to an evil Canadian.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Michael Lynche defied the producers by being the best of the night even though he went first. Lee Dewyne had a decent voice once he figured out the mic was not a lollipop. Alex Lambert was not all that good but gets the award for most improved performer of the night.

Idol Gives Back: I think I need to have my 7 year old niece help me with these predictions because I clearly do not think like the 10 year old girls who dominate the phone lines. I was surprised that eye candy Tyler Grady was voted off last week, and I was really surprised about the girls who were sent home, which I’ll discuss in my next post. I was not surprised about Joe Munoz because I had no idea who he was.

The Fearless Prediction: Alright, I’ll try this again. I suspect that God has other plans for Jermaine Sellers and so that he will be one of the two dudes sent home on Thursday. Besides, he is starting to annoy me. Any number of dudes can join him tomorrow, but I suspect that Captain Jack is right and John Park will be rejoining his singing group back in Chicago.