An Abbreviated Session

First, a warning. I walked into the courtroom a little after 9 PM tonight thinking that my DVR would allow me to still see the entire show. Well, the blasted machine had other ideas and decided it did not want to work tonight. Not only did it not record but it would not allow me to rewind to the beginning of the show. So the bad news is that the first 8 recaps are based only on the replay at the end of the show. The good news is that I get to go to bed early.

I came in when John Park was getting trashed by the judges for his song choice, which he told Ryan later he selected as a tribute to his parents. Boy don’t the judges feel bad now.

Michael Lynche, “This Love” by Maroon 5: It is an interesting song choice for the new papa. I found lots of picky things to criticize, such as his nasally somewhat monotone voice, his slurred lyrics, his pitch problems, and a guitar that could not be heard. Still, it was OK but far from amazing. Little E loves Michael’s personality so much that she does not think his pitch problems matter, then later warns him not to get cocky. Big Sexy bonds with the fellow big fella, but then he whines about how Michael’s hug injured his back. Horny Chick thought it was good relative to the other performers so far, so perhaps my DVR was doing me a favor. Captain Jack thought Michael sang like a supporting act instead of a leading one, provoking Michael into some subtle “ahhs” and “come ons.”

Alex Lambert, “Wonderful World” by James Morrison: I had forgotten about this guy until his video reminded us that he was part of Rocker Bitch Mary Powers’ group. Since all of the judges later commented that Alex’s voice resembles James Morrison I can only assume that was why he chose a James Morrison song. Sadly, though, this song was such a mess that James Morrison is likely offended by the comparison. Jim Morrison would likely be offended too if he were alive today. Alex was clearly scared out of his wits, so much that by the end I was feeling sorry for the guy. Simon thought it was the most uncomfortable performance of the night and got booed by the sympathetic crowd. Horny Chick wants to give Alex a hug. Both she and Big Sexy thinks that Alex has crazy vocals and great potential but say nothing about tonight’s performance. Little E supports the mullet and compares him to a banana that has not ripened yet. Insert your sexual reference here, not so much for poor Alex but in preparation for our next contestant.

Casey Jones, “Heaven” by Bryan Adams: Horny Chick’s lover boy is back with two shirt buttons undone. Kara is waiving her arms from the first note and it looks like Casey is trying really hard not to laugh. It is OK, not great, but considering the distractions from the judges table it was a stellar performance. The dude judges back away from the table and ask Kara to go first. Horny Chick apologizes to her husband (for now) for drooling over Casey and then turns to Ellen for help, forgetting that Little E is a chick chick and not a dude chick. Rather than correct Horny Chick for her faux paux Little E fires back by accusing Kara of undressing Casey with her eyes. Randy likes Casey’s voice and swagger. Horny Chick tries to be serious by telling Casey that he is ear candy as well as eye candy. Seriously. Simon liked the sincere song choice and thought he did well to overcome the actions of the “cougar” next to him. Horny Chick calls for her lawyer while Trained Seal reads out the number and mentions something about an HR meeting.

Andrew Garcia, “Sugar, We’re Going Down” by Fall Out Boys: The favorite coming out of Hollywood Week naturally gets the closer spot tonight. Again he goes semi-acoustic and changes up the arrangement, but this time it is not as dramatic as when he treated Drunk Chick’s song that way. It was OK but kind of monotone and uninspiring. Captain Jack talks for 5 minutes about how disappointed he is with Andrew’s performance, including some of his traditional buzz words such as “indulgent” and “boring.” The other three judges all thought the performance was strange and that it paled in comparison to the Drunk Chick song.

And now the rest in the closing replay:

Todrick Hall: sloppy;
Aaron Kelly: bland;
Jermaine Sellers: over the top;
Tim Urban: super sub with goofy facial expressions
Joe Munoz: slurred lyrics;
Tyler Grady: Michael Johns like;
Lee Dewyne: decent;
John Park: the judges were right; it was a lousy song choice.

The Final Score: 7 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 3 shots at Little E Ellen; 2 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 1 shot at Trained Seal Ryan; 1 shot at Captain Jack Simon; and 1 shot at the audience. 1 reference to a former Idol contestants, 3 references to other non-Idol performers (1 deceased?), and 2 references to Drunk Chick Paula. 2 iTunes plugs (I assume), 2 sexual innuendos, an unripe fruit, and 8 performances that my DVR would not allow me to see. I suppose I can download the performances from iTunes, but I’m not paying money for stuff like this. If you really want to know how they did you’re on your own.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Casey James was the best of the 4 that I saw. Lee Dewyne sounded OK for the 10 seconds that I saw him. And that is about the best I can do.

The Fearless Prediction: I don't think I saw enough performances to be able to fairly judge this also, but I will take a chance and predict that Alex Lambert will be one of the two sent home tomorrow. You're one your own for the other.