Walking The Line

Welcome to Grand Ole Opry night, or as they called in back in the good old days, Country Night. It is the annual round when we get to see who is a little bit country and who is willing to pretend to be a little bit country to win over the significant country voting contingent. In the past it has also given us a glimpse of which artists actually have a chance for a moderately successful post-Idol singing career that does not involve an off-Broadway production. Idol voters love to get them some country, just ask Kellie Pickler. This year there is an interesting twist in that there are no obvious country singers left in the competition, so there is no one who on the surface has a clear cut advantage here. There are a few folks who could theoretically fill that role, but there are also plenty of singers that I could never imagine singing with a twang. How these folks will survive tonight is going to be interesting to see. Hopefully entertaining as well.

Trained Seal opens the show by trumpeting the odds the remaining contestants overcame to reach the finals (100,000 to 1 for those of you scoring at home) in his usual overdramatic fashion. After the opening credits the baritone studio announcer is back to introduce the judges and Ryan. Captain Jack comes out looking like he just walked off the job site, whereas Trained Seal returns with another fancy suit. It is a one piece this time though. I guess the three piece suit he wore last week is the only one in his closet and he has to save it for the finale. Ryan wishes everyone a happy Saint Patrick’s Day and Ricky Minor and the band start into of goofy Irish jig while visions of shamrocks float around the tron behind the stage. As someone with Irish blood in his veins this kind of offends me. Then Trained Seal makes a drinking reference and now I really am offended.

Sexual Chocolate talks about how tough country week usually is. For the contestants, not us. Kara says nothing of particular note. Paula is standing by her bold visions of the future from last week, though with a bit of hesitation in her voice. The audience cheers her anyway. Ryan reminds Captain Jack how much he hates country music, which of course Simon denies. As the contestants come out en masse we see that Randy Travis is in the house. We soon see why as Randy is featured in the intro video inviting former Idol winner Carrie Underwood to join the Opry. Then we find out that Randy is this week’s tor-mentor and I’m thinking that business is about to pick up. Oh how I love the tor-mentors. Randy is a nice guy, though, so it may be hard for me to be hard on him. Randy admits that he has been watching the show for years and now I don’t feel so bad being hard on him.

Michael Sarver – “Ain't Going Down Until the Sun Comes Up” (I think) by Garth Brooks: Now if there is anyone in this year’s field who I could picture singing a country song it is the Blue Collar Man. When Michael is rehearsing his song Randy looks like he just ate a bunch of lemons. Randy advises Michael not to lose the lyrics in the midst of his lickin’, or something like that. Randy’s accent is bit tough for me to decipher. I now realize that I will need to refer to him as Randy T to distinguish him from Sexual Chocolate or I will be up all night counting the shots. Michael is taking on a song with a lot of words that he says so fast that I can’t catch the song name. So far he seems to be catching them all but he is running out of breath at mid-lyric a few times. The harmonica player sharing the stage with Michael is working as hard as he is. So are the back-up singers. He appears relived at the end to have gotten through this verbal exercise. It did not blow me away but I will give him credit for getting all the words in, more or less in tune. Randy thought it was a cool song choice but didn't think it brought out all of Michael’s vocal capabilities, assuming he has some. The audience boos Randy for what I thought was a dead on comment and both Drunk Chick and Captain Jack have some sh** eating grins on their faces. Kara liked the personality but missed the big notes. She is also amazed that Michael remembered all of the words. Michael addresses the negative comments by claiming that country music is not about singing well but is instead all about “having some fun.” The crowd loves this comment because unlike the judges they know what is important in a singing competition. Horny Chick concludes her comments by claiming that she knows Michael stayed up all night for several nights this past week, implying that it was to learn the song lyrics but we all know better, don’t we? Paula was happy to have fun and gave props to the harmonica player. And thank you Paula for telling me who originally sang this song since Trained Seal neglected to do that. Simon could not understand a single word and thinks Michael could be singing in Norwegian. This is the second week in a row that Norway has come up during one of Captain Jack’s critiques. If he keeps this up I may need to give him a new nickname. After all, it was this type of behavior last season that earned him the nickname he has now. Simon also thought it came over as a bit clumsy and utters the magic K-word. Props though for Michael’s come back: “if we were all perfect we wouldn't need this show.” Drunk Chick leads the audience’s cheers to that remark, which alone might keep him on the show for another week. Trained Seal wants to know if Simon liked the performance or not, and Captain Jack gives it a 1.2 out of 10. Michael was glad that it was not a zero. He clearly is a glass half-full guy.

Did I just spend 15 minutes writing about Michael Sarver? I did not see that coming.

During the break there is a Ford Focus commercial featuring the lovely Cheyennis Doom, though I don’t think it is the new one. You know, she has got me thinking about actually buying one of those cars. I could use a new car since my truck has 90,000+ miles on it and sucks up gas like Beano. After that and a Hell’s Kitchen promo showing Chef Ramsey tossing someone off the show during dinner service instead of after, Ryan pimps the iTunes from the stairs leading up to the band box.

Allison Iraheta – “Blame it on the Heart” by Patti Loveless: Thankfully I can understand Allison when she tells me what song she is going to sing. Randy T is convinced that Patti will love Allison stealing her song and brings up the age thing before the other Randy does. He then recommends that Allison not do the little dance she demonstrate to Randy T during the song, even though this approach seems to be working for Megan Corkrey. Allison is actually able to insert a bit of twang into her rocker girl voice. Not even Chris Daughtry was able to do that. This girl impresses me more and more every week. Like Captain Jack I am not a big country music fan but Allison’s performance was actually nice to listen to. I still cannot predict who will win this competition but I think I now know who I will be rooting for. Kara thinks that Allison can sing the alphabet and is getting more and more impressed too. Damn, I actually agree with Horny Chick, almost as unbelievable as spending 15 minutes writing about Michael Sarver. Drunk Chick lauds Allison’s rock edge, encourages her to experiment with her vocals, and to choose songs that make her sound more vulnerable. Yeah, that makes no sense to me either. Paula is in fine form and it is only 20 minutes after 8. Captain Jack challenges Drunk Chick to explain what she meant by her comment, and Paula only says that Allison knows what she meant by that. Judging from the look on Allison’s face I suspect that she doesn't in fact know what Paula meant by that. I would guess Drunk Chick doesn't know either. Simon thought it was good but a little bit tuneless in parts, and I am struggling to figure out what Captain Jack meant by that. Simon also thought Allison was struggling to remember the words, but in a nice way such that the audience is not booing him. The crowd finally turns on Simon when he also says that he thought Allison was a little bit precocious too, even though Captain Jack claims that precocious is good. Sexual Chocolate kept it short and sweet, saying it was “the dope.” Odd choice of words but at least I understand what he means. Trained Seal follows up on Simon’s lyric comment and Allison again claims that she was not struggling with the words at all.

Kris Allen – “To Make You Feel My Love” by Garth Brooks: Why is it so hard for these guys to clearly enunciate the titles to Garth Brooks’ songs? Not everybody knows the Garth catalog from memory, you know. Randy T thinks that Garth would be proud of Kris’s rendition, though perhaps Garth would have been happier if Kris had more clearly said which song he was going to sing. Kris comes out naked (as Horny Chick would say) without his guitar. He is singing it as a very slow ballad with a lot of emotion. I am not sure if the emotion is real or not but if it is not he is faking it well. His facial expressions are a bit odd though, I suspect he did not rehearse in front of a mirror. He ends with a nice little falsetto. It was alright, from a singing standpoint alone it was very good and that does not always happen on country night. Indeed it did not sound like a country song at all. Drunk Chick is surprised to the point that she is almost speechless, almost. She loves the vulnerability in Kris’s voice but then claims that he missed a few notes. Well, isn't that how one shows their vulnerability? Simon thought it was terrific and Kris almost collapses on the stage. It is not often that Captain Jack is more positive than Drunk Chick. He even goes so far to say that Kris has a chance to go far in the competition. Randy applauded Kris for taking a chance by showing his “tender dawg” side. Thanks Randy, I know have a better nickname for Kris. Kara didn't think she was listening to a country song and again I am amazed that I agree with Horny Chick. Drunk Chick pushes the vulnerability again while Trained Seal gives out the phone number.

Lil Rounds – “Independence Day” by Martina McBride: It is Coca-Cola treatment time with Lil Rounds. Trained Seal asks Lil how much time she spends with the other contestants and Lil talks about sharing the kitchen and the hot tub back at the Idol mansion. Her husband won’t be happy to hear that. Ryan then wonders out loud how Lil feels about singing country, and Lil admits that she is a little nervous about it but promises to hold back the R&B and “honor the country”. I am actually familiar with this song and I can see an R&B diva like Lil singing it. I seem to remember that Jordin Sparks sang a Martina McBride song too, though not this one. Randy T hands out some technical advice to perhaps this season’s most technically sound singer and then brings up the licks again. Lil starts out a little shaky compared to her usual confident sound. She was not kidding during her Coca-Cola interview. Lil kicks the nervousness to the curb with the big chorus but she is still missing some notes. She ends it with a nice big note to get the crowd on their feet and like Michael appears visibly relieved to be through with this song though probably for different reasons. She was out of her element and it showed. Randy struggled with the slow parts and didn't feel comfortable with the performance. The audience boos him even though he was again right on the money. Lil’s father looks like he is ready to beat the crap out of Sexual Chocolate even though Big Sexy has about a 50 pound advantage on Lil Dad. Lil claims that she wanted to sing something else besides R&B and Randy is having none of it. Horny Chick criticizes the slow part too but loves how she stood her ground and sang the song she wanted to sing like an artist should. Time to bring up Captain Jack’s comment from last week: “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show.” I guess Horny Chick was not listening at the time. Neither was the audience who applauds Kara’s comment. Drunk Chick thought everything was spot on and then claims Lil’s struggles were because she repeated the first verse rather than singing the second one. Captain Jack mocks Paula’s comments as she continues to babble on about voices piercing through. Captain Jack insists on calling Lil “little”. He then reaches into his bag of analogy tricks and claims that Lil sounded like a wedding singer that was forced to sing a song that someone has requested that she didn't feel comfortable singing. Simon then wonders where the Mary J was in Lil’s voice, at which point both Lil and the two chick judges remind Captain Jack that it is country night and Mary J doesn't do country. Lil continues to defend her song choice while Simon wonders why she didn't pick a John Montgomery song instead. Drunk Chick suggests “Stand by Your Man” and Captain Jack dismisses it out of hand. Lil dismisses Simon’s criticism to Trained Seal and vows to sing R&B the rest of the season. Before reading the phone number Trained Seal tries to incite comments from Simon by claiming that Randy calls Simon “the little judge” behind his back. That is nothing compared to what Randy and Simon call Trained Seal behind his back.

It has taken me an hour and a half to recap the first 45 minutes of this show. I can tell that this is going to be a long night. Thanks to the DVR I can still carry on but it looks like tomorrow (probably today to you) will be a multiple cup of coffee day.

Adam Lambert – “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash: Here is another one who I wonder whether he will be able to sing a country song. Will he try what Lil did and honor the country or will he change out the country like Kris did. Adam gets the Coca-Cola treatment too. I cannot recall if Trained Seal has ever done these back to back in the finals before. Adam vows that unlike Lil he is not going to hold back, in effect giving the country the middle finger. Trained Seal promises fireworks between Randy T and Broadway Boy. Randy T is scared to learn that Adam found a Middle Eastern version of the song instead of the version in the Johnny Cash biopic. “I don’t know what to say about this boy,” Randy T tells us. This looks promising already. Randy T is struggling to avoid screaming at Adam for daring to bastardize a Johnny Cash song. Adam brings it out slowly and turns it into a Marilyn Manson song or something that I cannot quite put my finger on. It is way over the top and he is not even to the screaming part yet. Adam eventually gets to the shouting part and decides not to sing any more of the lyrics and just scream a few notes to end the song. I am like Randy T; I don’t know what to say about this boy either. He certainly made this song his own and I imagine some people will love him for that, certainly many in the audience do, but to me it was a train wreck. It is not as if I am bothered that he modified a Johnny Cash song. Chris Daughtry did that with “Walk the Line” during his country week and was the star of the night. It was the way Adam did it that has me shaking my head as I type this. Drunk Chick breaks out the seal clap, so I guess she loves it too. No surprise there. Horny Chick does not know what to make of this boy either, though she was turned on by the drama and the look in Adam’s eyes. It was strange but she kind of liked it, code words for “it sucked but I still want to sleep with you.” Paula is amazed that Adam stayed true to who he was as an artist and gets praise from the audience for comparing the song to Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir.” Now that is a week I would love Idol to try, songs from Led Zeppelin. I might have to have some alcoholic beverages handy to handle that. Simon wonders “what the hell was that?” and thinks there are people, especially in Nashville, who are throwing their TVs out the window after Adam’s performance. He then calls it “indulgent rubbish” and Randy T is starting to cry. Randy J ends my struggle to characterize the arrangement by claiming that if Nine Inch Nails did a country song it would sound like that. Sexual Chocolate then calls it “fresh,” “hot,” “current,” and “young” and I wonder what happened to the sane judge. Trained Seal brings up Taylor Hicks for some odd reason and then asks Randy T what he thinks of Adam’s performance. Randy T is still speechless.

Trained Seal tries to do Scott’s intro from the mosh pit (his words not mine) but is cut off mid-sentence by the producers before he can get an iTunes plug in.

Scott McIntyre – “Wild Angels” by Martina McBride: Randy T was not pleased by the song choice and thinks there is something not quite right with the way Scott was singing the song. I guess Scott did something to ease Randy T’s mind because he claimed he was impressed with Scott at the end of the video. Maybe it is those special powers of his. Scott is back behind the keys again and again starts out very pitchy. He adds a new twist by getting ahead of himself before the chorus. The flashback to last week continues when he loses the pitchiness during the shouting chorus, though he does throw in a few off key notes just to keep me awake. The song ends on a typical loud note and I doubt any of the judges will say anything about the pitchiness. It is those special powers again. Drunk Chick thinks that Scott works harder than anyone else in the competition, code words for “I am amazed that a blind guy can sing and play the piano at the same time.” She then gets a serious look on her face and tells Scott that he needs to get closer to the audience by stepping away from the piano that has become a crutch for him. Now that is a harsh thing to say to a blind man. Scott is not offended though, offering instead to move the piano closer to the audience. Captain Jack, on the other hand, thinks it is a stupid thing to say. Makes sense considering throughout the auditions and Hollywood Week all of the judges kept saying how much they were looking forward to Scott’s piano playing. Drunk Chick thinks Captain Jack is being disrespectful to her while Captain Jack thinks Drunk Chick is being disrespectful to Scott. The two of them go on for about 5 minutes bickering about whether or not it is OK for Scott to sing with the piano, name dropping Billy Joel and Stevie Wonder in the process. I am surprised Ray Charles’ name did not come up, or perhaps it did and I missed it through all of the babbling. Simon repeats my point up above, that it was a carbon copy of his performance last week and that Scott is not making good song choices. Scott breaks kayfabe by revealing that he has “lost a lot of hat picks”, I assume meaning that someone else has been singing his first song choices. I am curious to know who has been stealing Scott’s songs. He still claims that he liked this song choice. Drunk Chick thought Simon’s critique was disrespectful, though I wonder about the sincerity of that comment when she says it with a sh** eating grin on her face. Drunk Chick wants to continue arguing with Simon but gets cut off by the impatient Sexual Chocolate. Randy J was OK with the song choice but didn’t think Scott sang like Randy thinks he can, either this week or last. Sexual Chocolate then claims that he wants to hear the stand-out vocals “because this is a singing competition.” That’s one. Let’s see how many times Sexual Chocolate makes that claim this season in comparison to how many times he name drops Mariah Carey. Kara attempts to sum up everyone’s comments by urging Scott to up his game. Fair enough, until Horny Chick then praises Scott for his on-stage poise and class. Come on, he is only blind; he is not 16 years old. Trained Seal then asks Scott to elaborate on how hard he works in between shows, and apparently Scott spends all of his down time either sleeping or thinking about how to wow America with his arrangements. He then promises Drunk Chick that at some point he will perform without the piano, but not anytime soon. Paula is pleased even though Scott more or less dissed her. The judges then speculate what Scott will do if there is an Elton John week, or a Billy Joel week, or a Bruce Hornsby week, or a Ray Charles week, the last two name drops courtesy of Sexual Chocolate.

Alexis Grace – “Jolene” by Dolly Parton: Trained Seal teases Alexis’ appearance by claiming that she looks like Dolly Parton, and now that he mentions it she does kind of look like Dolly, albeit a much younger version. I don’t think Dolly ever had pink highlights in her hair or wore leather pants on stage though. Trained Seal tries to get Alexis to comment on the tenseness of tonight’s show during the Coca-Cola interview but Dirty Girl claims everything is cool, at least back stage. She did not hear the Captain Jack-Drunk Chick fight but now looks nervous after Trained Seal asked her if she nervous about following it. Randy T is impressed with Alexis and can offer no negative comments. Like Allison she is managing to introduce a little bit of twang into her rocker chick voice, kind of like Dolly Parton. This is much different than the way that Brooke White sang this song last year during Dolly Parton week. The arrangement did not excite me but it was a very strong vocal performance. Much more controlled than last week’s shout-fest. Randy claims that there were too many pitch problems and questions Alexis’ decision to introduce a bluesiness sound to the vocal. Strangely the crowd is silent. Horny Chick is back on the dirty girl thing again. She thinks Alexis lost her edge and wanted her to sing something like “Before He Cheats” or something hornier. Kara wants to see more angst and I am ready to throw the TV out of the window. Alexis has no chance to win this competition if she keeps pretending to be a rocker chick, and I fear that she will go back to that because this is what Horny Chick wants her to do. Paula doesn’t care about the pitch problems and actually tells Alexis that she is glad that she ignored Horny Chick’s advice, and I am stunned to type that. Simon thought the vocals were OK but that it sounded like a “sound-alike” and Alexis immediately questions what “sound-alike” means. It is essentially a nice way of saying the K-word but Captain Jack has his delicate shoes on and avoids using that word. Like many contestants Alexis responds to the judges’ criticisms by claiming that she had fun, but it did not sound all that sincere to me. Alexis then tells Ryan that the only thing she would have changed from her performance was to “put a little bit more dirty in there” with encouragement of course from Horny Chick, and then promises she will bring the dirty back next week. Well, Alexis, you’re on your own now, there is nothing more I can do to help you. Hope you enjoy that 7th place finish you just doomed yourself to.

Danny Gokey – “Jesus, Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood: Danny was nervous singing in front of Randy T. It is never a good sign when someone is nervous singing before the tor-mentor or when they try to sing a song by a former Idol winner, especially when Carrie herself debuted the song on the show a couple of years back. Randy T wishes he had Danny’s soulfulness but wonders as I do how he will do singing this song in front of a big audience. Danny starts out shakier than he usually does, racing through some of the lyrics. The audience tries to encourage him by clapping along. The chorus sounds better but I think he missed a couple of the words. Danny finished the song with stronger vocals but I fear he fell into the trap most contestants who try a song by a former Idol winner do, it paled in comparison to the original version. It is fair to say that it is not his best performance. The audience gives him an extended round of applause that interrupts Horny Chick’s comments, so she decides to join them rather than fight them. She eventually points out that she too thought the first half of the song was weak but that she felt Danny come out of his shell in the second half. “It is a connection unlike anything” she says. Insert your own sex reference here because it is past midnight when I am typing this and I am too tired to think of one. Drunk Chick has suddenly developed a stutter as she attempts to talk about how Danny built a story with his singing. She then claims that Carrie Underwood would not only approve but that she would go out and buy a record of Danny’s performance. Uhh, no. Carrie is sweet and all but not that sweet. Simon agrees with Paula and the audience cheers before he can get another word in. He is happy that Danny did not scream the song from the beginning, which Horny Chick interprets as a backhanded insult of her rather than an insult of every other contestant on the show. It now seems that Captain Jack strives to find something about Danny to whine about just for the sake of saying something critical; last week it was the dancing and this week it is Danny’s “polar” jacket. Sexual Chocolate thinks Danny did not support the verses enough but felt he blew away the chorus. Danny agrees with Randy and Kara and I hope his modesty does not lead him down the same path that Alexis insists on taking.

Anoop Desai – “You’re Always on My Mind” by Willie Nelson: Hopefully Anoop absorbed enough country from his upbringing in North Carolina to bring some twang to the table or else he is doomed to go home. Anoop announces that he is following Captain Jack’s advice and is changing his vocal style tonight, a promise that Randy T seconds. For his sake I hope so. He certainly starts the song different from his usual ‘tude filled style. He is staying in fine voice and even stays away from shouting until the customary big note near the end. I will say this; it is his best performance to date by a mile. Whether or not it is enough to keep him on the show I don’t know. He made that song his own, which even Randy T admitted is hard to do with a Willie Nelson song. Paula is ecstatic that the Anoop is back and praises his tender vocals. Simon declares that Anoop went from zero to hero and it was one of the best performances of the night. Captain Jack even took back his comment from last week that Anoop did not belong on the show. Sexual Chocolate thought that the arrangement was dope and was glad that “Anoop Dawg” didn’t jump around this time. Kara is surprised that he was able to ace an “untouchable” song. Trained Seal asks Anoop if he was surprised by the positive comments and he puts his game face on and claims that he wasn’t, though his face betrays how he truly feels.

Megan Joy Corkrey – “I Go Walking after Midnight”: After Anoop stepped up his game the pressure is on the Great Hope of American Idol to do the same. Even Randy T knows it and his comment was taped a few days ago. Randy T is also afraid that Megan chose a song that has been done every possible way he can think of, though I must admit I have never heard of this song before tonight. Maybe Randy T gets out more than I do. Megan promises to put her own spin on the song, which I guess means we will likely hear a new animal sound at the end of the song and lots of tummy shimmying during it. Megan brings it out old school complete with the string guitar and an old-fashioned look. The shimmy is new school though. Her vocals are all over the place, very pitchy and at an odd pace. She even missed her shout note. About the only positive thing I can say is that she held back the animal noise this time. I think it is fair to say that she will be the Vote for the Worst selection again this week, which may be the only thing that saves her from elimination unless Captain Jack decides to use the judge lifeline. And let’s be honest, since the vote has to be unanimous it will be Simon who decides which contestant that “the judges” will save. Megan tries for the sympathy vote by coughing during Randy J’s critique. Sexual Chocolate anticipated a train wreck but thought instead that it really worked. Uhh, OK. I guess Mister Pitchy didn’t hear the hundred or so notes that she missed. Horny Chick applauds her for being serious because she had the courage to get on stage with the flu and still sing in front of thirty million people. Honestly, what was her alternative? There are no make-up days on American Idol. It’s go or go home. Drunk Chick reveals that Megan missed rehearsal because she was in the hospital and urges her to continue being sick because of how well she performed while feeling the urge to cough up a lung. Captain Jack thought Megan was better this week than she was last week and complements her looks, even though he thinks her formal outfit is hiding Megan’s quirkiness, the same quirkiness that Captain Jack trashed last week. Let’s face it, she got positive comments only because she was sick, and I can guarantee you that if she is voted off tomorrow that she will be saved by the judges.

Matt Giraud – “So Small” by Carrie Underwood: So we started with a run on Garth Brooks songs and end with a run of Carrie Underwood songs. Randy T thought it was an “interesting” song choice and was surprised by how Matt sang it. Matt too is behind the keyboards tonight so we will see if Drunk Chick urges him to abandon his crutch like she did to the blind guy. I still can’t hear the keys though. Randy T was right; Matt is putting a soulful spin on the song. He stays in control both during the slow part and even during the big note chorus. This was ten times better than Scott’s performance, but will the four stooges agree? Horny Chick starts with “there ain’t nothing small about you, that’s for sure.” Keep in mind that there are kids watching this, though perhaps they may not catch the inference there. Kara continues with the compliments with her eyes closed and then declares her love for Matt at the end. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner in the “who Horny Chick will sleep with” sweepstakes. Drunk Chick loves Matt’s authenticity and honesty even though it takes her three tries to say “authenticity”. It is that time of the show when the benefits of Paula’s beverage really kick in. Captain Jack mocks Paula’s heart-piercing comment but then declares that Matt out sang Danny tonight and then name drops Michael Blueblay. It was Sexual Chocolate’s favorite performance of the night and he not only concurs with Simon’s Blueblay reference but for good measure drops Justin Timberlake’s name again even though Matt sounded nothing like Justin Timberlake tonight.

The Final Score: 26 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 23 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, and it now appears that these two will fight it out for the most shots for the entire season; 18 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 16 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 14 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy; 13 shots at the other Randy the tor-mentor; 1 shot at Ricky Minor and the Band; and 14 shots at the audience. 2 Chris Daughtry references, 4 direct references to other former Idol contestants, 18 references to other non-Idol performers (no wonder this took so long to write), 5 shouting contestants, 4 name drops, 2 foreign and 1 domestic country references, 1 city reference, 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 sh** eating grins, 2 dope performances, 2 iTunes pimps, 1 K-word utterance, at least 2 licks (admittedly I lost count), 1 almost kayfabe violation, 1 almost offensive holiday celebration, 1 tender dawg, and a can of Beano.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Matt Giraud took advantage of the closer spot and secured his spot next week. Allison Iraheta won me over and established herself as my personal favorite. Anoop Desai may have saved himself from elimination.

Idol Gives Back: Jasmine Murray was a no brainer. For the second time this season I forgot about Jorge Nunez and it came back to bite me in the ass and spoil my perfect record. I can take solace in the fact that there will not be a third time, though I am sure Jorge feels differently about that.

The Fearless Prediction: We will find out just how much America loves Adam Lambert because his performance tonight is going to put that love to the test. I suspect that Alexis Grace will find herself in the bottom three because of how much the judges panned her performance, leading her to stay with the dirty girl character until she get booted off in a couple of weeks. Despite the potential sympathy vote she may get for being sick, I predict that Megan Joy Corkrey will have the lowest votes tomorrow night and that she will receive the judge’s save and stay for another week.

It is 2:45 AM and I cannot believe it took me over 5 hours to write this. Hopefully you will also understand if I left behind a few spelling and grammatical errors and why I will likely be sleeping during the results show.