Shopping For Hits

I’m running a little late here tonight. My docket is quite full this week and it took a while to convince my computer to work tonight, but nevertheless here I am. While posting this late and being on the Left Coast means that many of my potential readers have already gone to bed, it does allow me to get more Google hits from people browsing at work tomorrow morning, usually searching for the latest on either American Idol or Cheyennis Doom. It is a tight race between her and Danny Gokey for the person who has generated the most hits to this web site this season.

OK, by now you should all know the drill, so let’s get this started before the storm outside takes out my DVR.

Trained Seal claims the contestants have sacrificed their very lives to be on Idol, including “abandoning their families.” He makes it sound like jury duty. Makes you wonder why 100,000 tryout every year. The judges have returned to their original positions. Ryan asks Simon why he doesn't choice the songs since he is always criticizing the contestant’s song choices. Captain Jack quickly volunteers to take the producer’s job and have a Simon selects night.

Von Smith – “You’re All I Need to Get By” by Marvin Gaye: Von admits that he shouted his songs during Hollywood Week and vows to change and be “the real me.” Yeah, we've heard that promise before, pretty much all of last season’s contestants made that same pledge. Von starts out in fine voice but with an odd looking hairdo. No wonder he wears those goofy caps all the time. Of course he shouts the chorus again, even after promising that he would not. It is more restrained than he was before though, I’ll give him that. Von has some style but it seems a little too theatrical to me, but of course this very thing thrills the audience. Von does show off a nice little rap at the end, which gets his mom jumping out of her seat. Randy thought the performance was hot and was happy that for once the first singer sang a song well. Von wasn't that great but it was better than the first singers the other two nights. Kara thinks Von is more comfortable now compared to before and complimented him for taking Captain Jack’s advice during Hollywood Week. Wait a minute; I thought it was Horny Chick’s job to criticize Simon’s advice. I am so confused. Paula thought it was a “memorable first,” which I’m sure she will forget in about a week. Booze has that effect you know. Von reminded Simon of Season 2 star Clay Aiken, right down to his “appalling” dress and good voice, and meant it as a compliment. Von tries hard to interpret it as such.

Taylor Vaifanua – “If I Ain't Got You” by Alicia Keys: This is the tall chick from Samoa by way of Hurricane, Utah that Sexual Chocolate compared to Jordin Sparks because she is tall and has a natural tan. She is taking on a big vocal song so it should be interesting. Not too many contestants sing Alicia numbers, perhaps for good reason. Taylor too starts out in good voice, and unlike most Idol contestants she is actually blending in with the back-up singers. I think Melinda Doolittle was the last Idol contestant who was able to do that consistently. She showed a wide range of vocals too. I think her song was very well done. It really did remind me of Jordin Sparks. However, the judges disagree. Horny Chick wants to see more personality, and wants to know through her singing what is like to go shopping with her. Paula is perplexed because Taylor chose to sing a song that she sang at Hollywood Week. Paula wants Taylor to sing something new, even though none of the viewers at home, who in theory at least are selecting who is going into the Top 12, saw that performance. It is new to 30 million people if not to Drunk Chick. Simon doesn't get Horny Chick’s shopping reference and the other three judges talk over each other trying to explain it. Captain Jack then basically says the same thing as Kara, only without the shopping references. The music cue kicks in before Randy has had his say, but then all Sexual Chocolate does is repeat what Kara and Simon said. All this talk about shopping brings Taylor to tears and leads Trained Seal and Captain Jack to talk about shirts.

Before introducing Alex, Trained Seal pimps the new Coca-Cola contest where people are supposed to design the glasses that Drunk Chick gets her fix from. It is only a matter of time before Ryan starts pimping the Idol songwriting contest.

Alex Wagner-Trugman – “I Guess that’s Why They Call It the Blues” by Elton John: Trained Seal promises attitude from Alex while he waves from the Coca-Cola Room like a 12-year old. He certainly does not have that ‘tude look, though like age I suppose it is all in the mind. Alex was hurt by the comments from the Internet that he was a dork and that to fix this he started going to the gym to be more like Captain Jack. Hey, it wasn't me. Alex dedicates this song to his long time girlfriend, even though it is a sad song and he is only 19. Seriously, how long-term a relationship can a 19 year old have? He seems to be overcompensating for being a dork by being very dramatic, slurring about half of the lyrics and trying to reach for a deeper voice that just isn't there. Sexual Chocolate did say at Alex’s audition that his voice sounded like Joe Cocker’s, which may explain why Alex is trying to channel the Mad Dog here. To emphasize the point he kicks the mic stand down at the end of the song. Drunk Chick compliments his showmanship and trades barbs with Captain Jack while not saying anything about his voice. Simon claims he didn't have fun listening to Alex and the audience boos him. Captain Jack also whined about Alex kicking over the microphone stand at the end, which Alex claims was “just an accident.” Sure, he says that now after he gets criticized for doing it. If he truly was not a dork he would have said that he meant to do that and would do it again if he is invited back to the show. Captain Jack reaches for the metaphor bin and comes up with “a hamster trying to be a tiger.” Alex looks impressed by Simon’s creativity, though I think Captain Jack has used that one before. Drunk Chick leads the crowd in a mock tiger roar. Randy thought it was crazy in a “buck wild” sort of way and gets booed for trashing the vocals. Horny Chick compliments Alex for being him, even though we never saw this him before, only the dork. Trained Seal forces Alex to confess that he sang it straight in rehearsals and changed it at the last minute. Funny that Drunk Chick didn't mention that; she must have forgotten.

Arianna Afsar – “The Winner Takes It All” by ABBA: She wants to be taken seriously as a singer after the judges talked about how cute she was at her audition, so naturally she selects an ABBA song. She starts out singing the song like a slow ballad, which is a genre I don’t think ABBA ever tried to do. Well that is one way to get around the seriousness problem. Too bad Arianna’s voice is too shaky to pull it off. Again, like many contestants before her she overcomes her pitch problems by shouting the final chorus, though it still sounds like a dirge. I thought ABBA songs were supposed to be upbeat and happy. This one sure wasn't. Arianna looks like she is about to cry when she ends her song, long before Captain Jack has said anything. I guess the song depressed her too. Simon as expected thought it was a terrible performance and a dreary arrangement. Arianna claims that she tried to make it more contemporary and I have to agree with Simon that she failed. Sexual Chocolate goes off on the age thing again, talking about 16 year olds are not supposed to be sing serious songs unless they sing it well, in which case he is amazed at how serious they are. Horny Chick is depressed that the cute beams of sunshine that Arianna showed at her audition were missing from her performance tonight. You only have yourself to blame, girl. You were the one who went on and on about how cute Arianna was, so much so that she felt the need to be serious this time. Paula appreciates how Arianna turned the song into a dirge but then says that she would have preferred her to sing it straight. Hopefully Arianna will learn from this that looks do play a role in deciding who advances and who does not. Embrace your cuteness, girl, because it will take you far, and for God’s sake don’t listen to the judges’ advice.

Ju’not Joyner – “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T's: He has been flying under the radar up until now even though he is the only contestant this year with an apostrophe in his name. I think there were, what, at least 2 or 3 last season. Ju’not dedicates the song to everyone who believed in him. I would believe in him if he had told me who originally sang this song. His voice is good, but I keep getting distracted by the handcuffs that are hanging from his trousers. There are some pitch problems here and there, so of course Ju’not starts shouting to overcome them, though it is more restrained than most are when they do that. Randy appreciates the restraint. Horny Chick appreciates the smooth spin but wants to hear more shouting. Drunk Chick wants to know where Ju’not’s little boy, the one that got him the ticket to Hollywood, is and then compliments Ju’not for following the advice that she gave Taylor a half hour ago about singing a song that was he sang at Hollywood Week. Man, if he changed up the entire song in that short a time frame he deserves to be in the Top 12. Simon thought is was better than it was going to be and gets applause. Captain Jack actually acknowledges how well Ju’not was able to overcome his nervousness, which Ju’not thought was from the cortisone shot in the butt that he received earlier in the day. The reference to his rear leads to much bantering amongst the judges. Ju’not claims the shot was for his voice, but I don’t know… If he makes it to the Top 12 will we need to put an * next to his name?

Kristen McNamara – “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman: She battled her way through Hollywood Week, won a sing-off on the Chair Show, and was told by Captain Jack that she wasn't pretty enough to be in the Top 36, and somehow that was not enough to drive her to quit. We can now add a new item to this list of adversity and understand why she wasn't shown during the auditions, as she showed up in Louisville with a scary purple dye job. I liked the short skirt she wore though. Just to remind us all of Kristen’s travails Trained Seal relives Hollywood Week with her and Nathaniel Marshall. She has her mouth so close to the mic that it looks like she is trying to swallow it. There is a big dichotomy between Kristen’s stiff physical movements and her dynamic voice. She has a great singing voice but I don’t know if it is good enough to overcome everything else and get her through to the Top 12. Horny Chick likes Kristen’s blonde dye job instead of the purple one but wanted her to sing a Kelly Clarkson or a Pink song instead. Horny Chick has fit nicely into Idol judge mode, as she is actively trying to pigeonhole the contestants into specific genres. Paula picks up on the Kelly Clarkson theme by reminding Kristen that she sang one of Kelly’s songs during Hollywood Week. Simon is puzzled that Kristen’s look doesn't match her voice. Randy says the K word. In response to the judges’ complaints that they don’t know who Kristen is, Trained Seal asks “Who are you?” The reply: “I’m Kristen McNamara.” That exchange pretty much says it all. Kristen goes on to admit that she has always struggled with her clothing selection, with a look of doom on her face as she does so. So basically the consensus is that if she does'’t get through it would be because of her looks and not her singing, and the producers still claim that Idol is a singing competition.

Nathaniel Marshall – “I Would Do Anything for Love” by Meatloaf: The self-professed “drama queen” who like Kristen had a rough Hollywood Week. Oh, the forces of evil are going to have fun with him if he makes it into the Top 12. Interesting song choice, though there usually is at least one singer in the semis who tries a Meatloaf song, usually with bad results. He starts out singing the song as a ballad and I can imagine Meatloaf watching at home throwing up the meatloaf that he had for dinner. Marshall then quickly changes to a more straight up version of the song and Meatloaf loses the carrots and broccoli. The audience eats up the dramatics but I am not impressed. Naughty Simon claims that Nathaniel is desperate for love and then goes off on the headband while the audience boos him. Unexpectedly Captain Jack retracts his evil comments and actually tries to be positive by apologizing for the harsh words and talking about how much fun Nathaniel is. Wow, what brought that on? Randy can’t wrap his head around the song choice. Nathaniel says he chose the song because he and his mom used to dance around the house to it. Simon offers up a suggestion that Nathaniel should do a workout video and gets smacked down by Horny Chick. Horny Chick wants to see the more serious side of Nathaniel and then declares that she wants to go to karaoke with him. I’m not sure that he is your type girlfriend. Nathaniel’s grandma interrupts Paula to say that she is “used to Nate’s music.” I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not. Paula thought Nathaniel was cool when he sang “Distrubia” during Hollywood Week but thought that the coolness was missing tonight. Drunk Chick adds that that she thought it was the “Boy George” version of the song, and the look from Captain Jack was priceless. Ryan brings Nathaniel over to the table and lots of homo-banter follows, which drowns out Trained Seal’s spiel when he was giving out Nathaniel’s phone number.

Felicia Barton - “No One” by Alicia Keys: If you don’t remember her from the auditions don’t worry, neither does anyone else. Felicia is the girl that replaced the ringer Joanna Pacitti after Joanna was kicked off the show for her “close association” with the producers who pushed her though to the Top 36. The sad part for Felicia is that it puts her at a disadvantage even before her first note. The producers actually pointed out that Felicia got cut during the Chair Show, though no explanation was given for why she was reinstated. Her voice changed when she announced her song in her video, which leads me to think that she changed it at the last minute. Kara ripped Felicia at the Chair Show for just singing rungs so guess how Felicia starts this song. Yes, with a bunch of runs. That pretty much describes her entire performance. Paula gets all philosophical and claims her talent is unbelievable. Simon thought that her performance with a bit copycat but stops short of using the K-word. Randy is happy that she was brought back and thought it was hot. Horny Chick likes the look and claims that this was the first time that she noticed Felicia. Trained Seal relives the moment when Felicia was notified that she was back on the show, though again he refrains from revealing why.

Scott McIntyre – “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Hornsby: Before the show I was thinking what kind of social experiment it would be if Scott makes it into the Top 12. How many people will vote for him because of his voice and how many will vote for him because he is legally blind? Granted, there have been other contestants who have received votes for much more inane reasons than their eyesight, but still it is going to be interesting to see how far this guy gets. You know, his voice reminds me a lot of David Archuleta, and judging from the chick screams from the crowd that may not be the only thing Scott has in common with Wonder Boy. It was an OK performance, more or less in tune with some soul, though not as much as some others. Sexual Chocolate can feel the passion, though for a while I thought he was going to say how amazed he was that a blind man can sing that well. Kara thinks Scott can move mountains and can feel his heart and looks forward to his piano playing. That’s high praise for a so-so performance. Drunk Chick compliments him for overcoming his challenges but stops short of mentioning the blindness. Simon wasn't crazy about the singing and gets booed, but then claims that Scott is growing on him and has some relevance and gets cheered. And for the first time tonight Captain Jack predicts that someone will get through to the Top 12. Scott and Trained Seal exchange a high five and the audience applauds that a blind man and an ambiguously gay reality show host can do that.

After the break Randy and Ryan exchange seats and Sexual Chocolate fails badly at Trained Seal’s primary job, reading from the teleprompter.

Kendall Beard – “This One’s For the Girls” by Martina McBride: Apparently Kendall has been charged with filling the country girl slot in this competition. Showing her dad doing an alligator dance will certainly help establish that image. This is the first time I've heard Kendall sing and she sounds a lot like Kristy Lee Cook. We’ll see if Kendall has the same staying power. She is a bit pitchy in spots, especially at the end, which is not the best time to do that since that is when the judges are paying attention. Horny Chick loves Kendall’s big personality and how she fits into the country girl box but has issues with the singing. Paula compliments Kendall for the canary yellow dress. Simon too compliments her on doing the country thing but thought it was a bit shrilly towards the end. Captain Jack also mentions that she has a chance because she sang a country song and there are a lot of country fans who vote on Idol. Randy basically repeats what the other judges said.

Jorge Nunez – “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” by Elton John: The only contestant in the Top 36 from outside the contiguous 48 states, and if the experience of contestants from Hawaii are any indication he has a chance to get through for that reason alone. So the count now stands at 2 Elton songs, 2 Alicia songs, and thus far no one has tried to sing a Whitney, Mariah, or Stevie tune. This one is a challenge though, not even George Michael could do it with any sincerity. Jorge’s pitch is all over the map but the crowd applauds his shouting and seriousness. His accent is kicking in and out too. The audience loves it but I was not impressed. Paula is pushed to go first, and again she talks about how well Jorge took her advice, so much so that she wants to go up and squeeze him. Simon says the exact opposite, saying that he should ignore Drunk Chick’s advice and sing with an accent. Paula wants Jorge to say something in Spanish and Captain Jack is all over her for being so patronizing. Actually, there really is not much of accent in his voice, at least just in that sentence. Randy thought the vocal was really, really good. Kara thinks Jorge was born to sing and is touched by his heart. Jorge gets emotional and the accent returns. He can only express himself in Spanish and Paula gets all excited. Mind you, Drunk Chick was the one who didn’t want to put him though at his audition because she wasn’t sure he could sing a song in English.

Lil Rounds – “Be Without You” by Mary J. Blige: Coming into the Top 36 I considered Lil to be one of the favorites to win this season, so it comes as no surprise that she gets the closer spot tonight. She has that big diva voice that is always popular with Idol voters but is notably lacking in this year’s contestant pool. She does sound a lot like Mary J, justifying the song choice. Lil has some soul and ‘tude to go with it. She struggles a bit to stay at the same pace as the band, but that is about the only negative thing I can say about her performance. Of all the songs tonight this is the only one that I can imagine being on a record. Simon thinks Lil should try another song besides a Mary J tune because she sounds so much like her, but otherwise he thought it was a brilliant performance. Randy loves the vocals and the swagger. Kara thinks Lil is a powerhouse and compliments her from not changing her style. Paula thinks we’ll be seeing her for many more “lil rounds,” and for once I’ll have to agree with Drunk Chick.

The Final Score: 18 shots at Captain Jack Simon, who actually beat out Paula this week. 12 shots at Horny Chick Kara, a career best for her. 11 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, who finished third for the first time since I started counting my insults. 9 shots at Trained Seal Ryan, about average for him. 7 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy, about average for him too, not because I’m being too kind but because he is more boring than the other judges. 8 shots at the audience, 7 direct references to former Idol contestants, 6 references to other non-Idol performers, 3 shouting singers (at least identified), 3 uses of the K-word, 2 singers with ‘tude, 3 references to colors, 3 references to animals, 2 references to shopping for clothes, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 Coca-Cola plugs, 1 Ford plug, an *, and a shout-out to my favorite Ford Focus driver.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lil Rounds was expected to be the best of the night and did not disappoint. Ju’not Joiner wasn’t expected to do anything and exceeded expectations. I’ll give the third star to Taylor Vaifanua not only because I thought she sang well but also because I’m apparently the only one who thinks so, which means she likely will not be back.

Idol Gives Back: My perfect record extended to a second week as I again correctly predicted all three finalists. I will admit, though, that after my post last week I wasn’t sure about Kris Allen. I suspected that there would be a lot of support for Megan Corkrey even though Kris sang better than her last week. But, I am not one to go back on my word, so I stuck with Kris and was rewarded with a 6-0 record. This week, though, won’t be as easy.

The Fearless Prediction: Lil Rounds joins Danny Gokey and Allison Iraheta as a shoo-in to get through to the Top 12. I thought beforehand that the only way Scott McIntyre doesn’t get thorough would be if he completely blew his performance, and he didn’t do that. So basically the race is for third place and there are plenty of contenders. Taylor is out because the judges hated her; Kristen McNamara has one of the best voices in the competition but is out because she doesn’t pretty herself up enough (though if you ask me I would not throw her out of the bed). Von Smith and Jorge Nunez are possibilities, as is Kendall Beard because she did the country thing, but I’ll go with Ju’not Joiner to be the third person into the Top 12. It’s a gut feel more than anything else.

No post tomorrow as I have vowed not to recap results shows until they are interesting enough for me to watch, though it looks like I will need to recap the Wild Card show on Thursday in case there is any actual singing. It will be interesting to see who the judges will pick. Anoop Desai and Megan Corkrey are likely in the running, and there are a number of contestants in this group who could be considered as well. And will we see either Tatiana Del Toro or Nick Mitchell? Now that is the question America wants to know the answer to.