Special Indulgences

Hello and welcome to this special edition of The Armchair Idol Judge! On tonight’s special show the judges select the final 3 contestants for the finals, indulge the 5 remaining others before kicking them to the curb, and cause me to lose even more sleep this week.

As the camera pans around the remaining 8 semi-finalists and the three cold stools positioned at the center of the stage for the finalists, semi-formally dressed Ryan attempts to describe the seriousness of the evening. “It is about the importance of redemption, and the power of tenacity,” Trained Seal tells us. That’s rather arch language, even for Ryan. Apparently Captain Jack thinks so as he makes a comment off camera that stops Trained Seal in his tracks before he gets to “this…is…”

After the credits Trained Seal reviews the protocol for the evening. Each contestant gets a short video intro where they suck up to the judges for bringing them back, and then they sing for their very lives! The judges then get another chance to indulge themselves with more camera time. At the end of the show the judges decide, perhaps after consultation with the producers, which 3 from this group come back for the Top 12. Since the videos do not announce the song each contestant is going to sing and I am about 20 years behind on popular music, it’s going to be challenge for me to identify each one.

Jesse Langseth – “Tell Me Something Good” by Chaka Khan: Jesse wants to show off her vocal range after listening to Sexual Chocolate’s advice. I think she is playing with fire by paying attention to advice from Randy, or for that matter any of the judges. Yes, even me. She starts off mostly in tune and pitch and with an interesting tone to her voice, kind of like Phoebe Snow singing funk. Yes, I am that old. The back-up singers get some airtime after they indulge in some heavy breathing during the chorus that drowns Jesse out. She ends with only a quick shout instead of lots of them. It sounded pretty good to me. I don’t remember her earlier performance but I would bet that this one was better. The audience thinks so anyway, but they are biased. Randy liked the song choice but didn't like the note choice. See, I told you you’re playing with fire when you listen to Sexual Chocolate; do as he says and watch yourself get burned. Horny Chick briefly mentions the pitchiness but then goes on and on about Jesse’s swagger and how well she let lose, even going so far as comparing Jesse to Beyonce’s alter ego Sasha Fierce. Kara looks to Randy while dropping Beyonce’s name as if to get verification from the master name dropper himself. Paula mimics Ryan’s intro by talking about Jesse’s tenacity and determination. Simon confesses that Jesse was the last one chosen for this group. He thought it was better than before but was still “slightly indulgent” and “all about you.” When the other judges complain that tonight is supposed to be about the contestants Captain Jack claims that tonight the show is all about the judges, or basically just him. Jesse thought her performance was great and tries to suck up to Simon by not criticizing his criticism when she is challenged by Trained Seal to do so.

Matt Giraud – “Who’s Loving You” by the Jackson 5: Matt claims that he is “singing for my life,” showing that Piano Man has drunk the Kool-Aid. Thankfully Ryan tells me who originally sang this song, saving me a couple of minutes searching Google for this information. Matt is supporting the stubby beard look tonight along with a goofy hat. Von must be jealous. Little bit pitchy here and there, but then he adds a dramatic pause that gets the tweeners in the audience screaming. Matt then goes on with some self-indulgent runs to close the song. Horny Chick thanks Matt for bringing back the bluesy, soulful guy she wants to sleep with. Paula lauds the song choice and urges him to pick songs like this. Captain Jack exploits Drunk Chick’s odd use of verb tense by peppering her with corrections, which as usual causes Paula to stop talking to the contestant and instead babble about Captain Jack. I suspect that may be why Simon does this so often. Simon thought it was a billion times better than Matt’s last performance but complains about Matt’s outfit and then, as a criticism, claims that he thought Matt was channeling Taylor Hicks. This of course sets off both the judges and the audience. How dare Captain Jack criticize the Soul Patrolman! (who, BTW, is appearing as “Teen Angel” in the touring company of Grease, coming to a playhouse near you). Horny Chick spontaneously shouts “Justin Timberlake”, either to claim that Justin was who Matt was really imitating, or perhaps to demonstrate that she can name drop with the best of them, or perhaps she was starting to describe the long list of singers she would like to sleep with. I get the feeling Horny Chick is getting a high score tonight. Sexual Chocolate thinks Matt put the fear of God in the other 7 contestants. I’m not so sure that the other 7 contestants are not already scared out of their minds tonight to the extent that Matt’s little ditty probably didn't make much difference.

Even though this is a special show Trained Seal still has time to pimp the iTunes store, not once but twice.

Megan Corkrey – “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall: Megan claims that she hopes to rock the house with one of the “jazziest songs around.” I guess they don’t have many radio stations in Sandy, Utah because I can name about 100 tunes that are jazzier than this one. I wonder if she will sit on the stage like Katherine McPhee did both times she sang this song in Season 5. Megan brings back the tummy twist from her last performance, along with a more bluesy tone to her voice. She stays mostly in pitch until the shouting part when she jumps out of key, the opposite of what most Idol contestants do. She ends it with an out of left field screech that the audience loves but sends the guard dogs next door into a tizzy. I know this is supposed to be a singing competition but that stiff butt shake of hers is very distracting, and not in a good way like a sexy chick or a hot fudge sundae. Drunk Chick lauds the sing choice and plays the name game again, incorporating Megan’s middle name “Joy” in her comments. Captain Jack still likes Megan because she is “current” and “original.” I could have sworn it was because Megan is blonde and skinny. He doesn't even bother to criticize her performance even though he has ripped into contestants who have done far better but were not blonde and skinny. Sexual Chocolate likes that she chose a song that fits into the pigeon hole that he wants to put her in. Horny Chick thinks we need Megan because she gives variety to the contestant pool, perhaps because there are only 3 girls in the Top 12 right now and she is probably the best looking of the chicks that are remaining. Well if that is the criteria that Horny Chick is using then Tatiana should be a shoo-in. So if one reads between the lines it would appear that Megan was destined for the Top 12 no matter how she sang tonight.

Von Smith – “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” by Elton John: Von still has the goofy hairdo so I guess he is not as desperate as his words would have us believe, or else he would have combed it or something. He takes Elton’s vocal and jumps it up a couple of octaves to Justin Timberlake levels. He is back to shouting the chorus again, especially at the end. He promised not to do that, but I guess since everyone else is doing that Von thinks he has to in order stay on this show. I give him points for his sincerity, or at least the appearance of it, in his performance but the shouting and the hairdo kind of put me off. Simon thinks Von is getting to be too boring and too serious, and instead of booing the audience just sighs. Even Paula seems resigned to it. Randy more or less concurs with Simon. Kara thought it went beyond serious and ventured into dark territory. Paula gets really serious, saying that Von seems to be concentrating so much on the technical stuff that his personality is taking a back seat. You know, she is actually right; I can’t make fun of her over this one. It doesn't look good for Mr. Smith. When Paula starts making cogent criticisms of your performance you know you are in trouble.

Jasmine Murray – “Reflection” by Christina Aguilera: In her video Jasmine draws cheers from the audience when she says that she hopes she picked the right song. Why that would draw cheers I couldn't tell you. Thankfully for me Ryan is now telling us the names of the original artists. Jasmine’s dress has an interesting purple shade to it. I would say more but that would be illegal. It starts out rather boring but during the chorus Jasmine starts into an almost straight up imitation of Christina Aguilera, followed by lots of big notes and shouting. At the end Jasmine pulls a swerve and sings the last lines softly. Now if she had only done that for the whole song we would have had something here, but alas Jasmine has fallen into the Idol thinking that big notes and shouting are needed to win this thing. The fact that the audience screams in approval every time a contestant does this is probably the main reason why Jasmine and the others do it. Sexual Chocolate thought it was way better than her last performance but for once doesn't mention Jasmine’s age. While he is doing this Captain Jack is breathing into Paula’s ear. Kara is confused because she didn't think Jasmine had a big voice and now doesn't easily fit into the pop box Horny Chick wants to stuff Jasmine in. Paula lauds her determination and her look. Simon was full of compliments and thought Paula was selling Jasmine short. Captain Jack was joking of course but Drunk Chick was not in on it, as she turns on Simon and asks, with a straight face, “What’s your problem?” Captain Jack blows Paula off and tries to be complimentary to Jasmine while Drunk Chick is pushing him around. Poor Jasmine, it is a good thing viewers are not voting tonight because all of the positive comments would have been forgotten because of these two kids’ antics.

Ricky Braddy – “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder: Hopefully Ricky will sing well enough again tonight to get noticed after the producers forgot to show him during the audition shows. Trained Seal actually claims that Ricky is a “familiar face” even though we have only seen him once. In his intro video Ricky risked his life by inadvertently breaking kayfabe by describing his performance “last night” even though it was 2 weeks ago and we were led to believe that he and the other contestants only found out last night that there would be back for this show. At least that is what Tatiana Del Toro claims later on. Every season at least one singer tries this song and fails to nail it, so with that plus the video thing Ricky is not doing himself any favors so far. Drunk Chick is already on her feet dancing around. He is in fine voice but is slurring half the lyrics. I think he is still singing all the words though. Ricky shouts at end but does it more in tune than most of the other contestants so far. Not great, but not bad either. Horny Chick is happy that Ricky has loosened up and held his own, and ends with a silky “good job” as if she had another picture in her mind. Paula repeats Kara’s comments but without the sexual tone in her voice. Simon liked the vocals but trashes the song choice and the performance as being too clumsy. Randy thought the song choice was too self-indulgent. See, this always happens when someone sings this song. Don’t these kids ever pay attention?

Tatiana Del Toro – “Saving All My Love for You” by Whitney Houston: Tatiana tells us that she has found a love for performing and “is ready to sing for you, America” even though America has no say in her fate this time. To further show just how insane she is Tatiana is singing this song for the third time, even though the last time she sang it two weeks ago the judges panned her for not acting like the drama queen that the producers loved so much and probably got her this far. Trained Seal is very serious as he introduces her, perhaps sensing impending doom and an impending explosion. Again Tatiana shows off her big voice and makes it hard to simply dismiss her as just another Idol crackpot. Paula and Tatiana exchange their love for each other in their unique, wacky sort of ways. For the first time Drunk Chick realizes that Tatiana has an accent, which Tatiana claims is because she was getting emotional like Jorge Nunez was two nights ago when he rediscovered his Puerto Rican accent. I guess if it worked for him Tatiana thinks it can work for her too. It is clear that this girl will do anything, perhaps even sleep with Horny Chick or even Sexual Chocolate, to stay in this competition. Paula’s critique is taking forever because neither she nor Tatiana will stop talking. Simon wonders if Tatiana will sing this song every week and just change the arrangement to fit the designated theme. Tatiana claims that she couldn't clear a better sing with the Idol lawyers in only one day, which Captain Jack dismisses as rubbish since everyone else managed to do that, though apparently Ricky Braddy had two weeks notice. While Tatiana tries to argue that Whitney’s tune is such a good song that she has to sing it again Drunk Chick gets mad at Captain Jack for talking over Tatiana while she pleads her case, even though Paula was doing it too. Hell, all of the judges have been doing that because Tatiana just won’t shut up. Tatiana uses the “if it ain't broke don’t fix it” excuse, which Simon quickly shoots down by pointing that it is broke because that song didn't get her in the Top 12 the last time. Randy pulls a Tatiana and paraphrases the same thing he said last time, and then pulls a Simon and uses a ship analogy to describe how he feels about her performance. Now Randy and Kara are talking over each other as Horny Chick thinks she is watching “The Adventures of Tatiana.” Well of course she is, just as the producers want us all to. Kara also thinks that Tatiana has multiple personalities because she is neither laughing nor crying. Captain Jack dryly predicts that she will, perhaps in, oh, about 10 minutes. Tatiana drops to her knees as she is overcome by the judges’ wacky comments but then stands when she realizes the camera is on her. Trained Seal tells Tatiana that she can stay on her knees, which she quickly does before realizing that either the camera is still on her or thinking that Ryan is planning to propose. She starts walking away as Ryan calls for her to return as he gets on his knees. The judges interpret Trained Seal’s actions as sexual innuendo judging by Horny Chick’s shouts of “family show” and Captain Jack’s claim that Ryan getting on his knees for a chick constitutes a watershed moment in the history of the show.

Well, would you look at that, I took up an entire page writing about this girl. I must admit the Top 12 would be a lot more interesting if Tatiana is in it. I’m sure I’ll find a way to work her into these recaps anyhow.

Anoop Desai – “My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown: Anoop gets the closer spot, not too much of a surprise since most observers, including me, figured that he was one of the favorites to come out of the wild card round into the Top 12. He too chose a song he sang before so we’ll see if the judges get on his case about that like they just did to Tatiana. He tries to sing the low voice part and struggles to make it down to the bottom of the register. His later shouting is much better, though the back up singers are singing more than he is. The second verse is better than the first and he finishes on a strong note. The audience screeches their approval as the judges all have goofy smiles on their faces, which suggests that they have already decided to put Anoop through. Captain Jack compares Anoop to an enthusiastic dog (or should it be “dawg”) and no one boos him because they are still whooping it up for Anoop. They eventually get around to booing Simon when he states that Anoop is not the best singer in the competition. Now it is Captain Jack that breaks kayfabe by revealing that the judges are looking to “cast” the Top 12 with personalities and not just good singers. The audience takes that as a compliment and cheers. Sexual Chocolate is actually OK with Anoop singing the same song twice because he thought Anoop did it better this time. Horny Chick wanted to get up and dance, and then gets all excited when Anoop sucks up to her by mentioning their shared Tobacco Road roots. Paula admires Anoop’s nasty moves and praises him because the audience loved it.

It is now 8:50 pm according to my DVR so it means we will have to endure 10 minutes of Trained Seal dragging out the results of the judges’ vote rather than just telling us what we pretty much already know. Another sign is that when we go to break the judges are not talking to each other. You would think if they were still deciding on the final 3 that they would be at least talking to each other since they only have about 2 minutes to come to a decision. Instant fearless prediction – Anoop and Megan are sure things. I doubt the judges have the courage to put Tatiana through. I think it is between Matt and Jasmine, and I will vote for Jasmine only because the producers need more chicks in the Top 12.

We are back and right away I am back in the win column when Jasmine is told by Randy that she is in the Top 12. After Ricky is dismissed by Kara Tatiana and Megan are called up to the stage together. Tatiana is already crying because she too thinks that Megan is a shoo-in and it means curtains for her. Drunk Chick drags out the agony by going on and on about how it is not over for the loser even though we all know that it is, though Tatiana might prove to be an exception to that rule. She finally gets around to declaring that Megan is moving on and Tatiana is about to collapse into Ryan’s arms. Instead she collapses in front of the judges’ table as Paula and Kara try to console her. Trained Seal quickly cuts to a break just in case Tatiana goes off the deep end on live television, which will delay getting to Chef Ramsey. Simon tells Jesse that she nearly got in but didn't. Ryan goes back to Paula to let her ramble about Von before she dismisses him. The final two are Matt and Anoop and Captain Jack shocks us all by declaring that Matt is going through. Then comes a bigger shock, Anoop is in too and the Top 12 becomes the Top 13. Now it is Anoop who is ready to collapse though for a much different reason than Ms. Del Toro. The show ends with a group hug on the stage and more screeching from the audience.

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…

The Final Score: 15 shots at Captain Jack Simon, who again beat out Paula this week. That has never happened 2 weeks in a row before. 13 shots at Horny Chick Kara, beating out her career best in only 2 days. 11 shots at Trained Seal Ryan, above average for him. 8 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy, about average for him, and only 8 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, who amazingly finished last this week. That has never happened before either. I told you it was a special show. 12 shots at the audience, 2 direct references to former Idol contestants, 5 references to other non-Idol performers, 8 instances of sucking up, 4 indulgences, 2 references to Chef Ramsey, too many shouting singers too count, a bunch of excuses, 2 shocking endings, 2 analogies, 2 breaks of kayfabe, 1 new Idol nickname, 1 creative use of verb tenses, 2 iTunes plugs, 1 plug for a traveling roadshow, 1 watershed moment, and a hot fudge sundae.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: You know, despite the fact that this was a special show no one really stood out to me tonight. So I will take a pass and come back with this feature next week.

Idol Gives Back: When I first typed up the recap for Group 3 I had predicted that Lil Rounds, Scott McIntyre, and Jorge Nunez would get through. However, when I started posting it I had a change of heart and went with Ju’not Joiner instead. That change of heart cost me my perfect record this season. The lesson learned here is to trust my instincts, even though my record in the finals last year would suggest otherwise. At least now I don’t have to deal with the pressure of trying to stay undefeated from this point forward.

The Fearless Prediction: See above. I may no longer be perfect but I am still damn good.