Whose Bad?

Yes, the Top 13. The Idol producers threw us a swerve last week and decided to have 13 contestants in the finals instead of the customary 12. Considering how difficult it usually is to get 12 singers on in 120 minutes I wonder if they will be able to get all 13 on without delaying your late local news. Somebody better make sure to stay on Drunk Chick to make sure she doesn't babble on past the allotted time.

I figured I would start early with my shots at Paula since I made so few of them last week compared to my usual effort.

As we enter tonight’s final group Danny Gokey is the favorite to win it all, judging by the buzz I have heard and the amount of Google searches that have brought many of you to this site. However, if the last 3 seasons are any indication being the favorite coming out of the semis does not guarantee a recording contract in May. Just ask Chris Daughtry, LaKesha Jones, and David Archuleta.

Trained Seal is sporting an actual suit tonight, complete with a tie. It even looks like he got a haircut. Rather than cutting the promo from his usual spot in the audience Ryan instead lurks above the stage with the band and over the contestants. Another new twist is a studio announcer who announces not only Ryan but also the judges, who sashay out from the stage to their seats accompanied by screams from the crowd. Apparently this was Captain Jack’s idea. Sexual Chocolate pumps up the intensity. Horny Chick says that the contestants have to be tougher now. Drunk Chick advises the contestants to consume the stage rather than let it consume them. Paula is sporting some very glittering eye shadow tonight, which promises lots of shots for me. Trained Seal makes a self-consumption crack at Simon and the audience screams. Captain Jack repeats Paula’s advice as if it was his own, and it takes a while for Drunk Chick to notice. Simon then breaks the bad news that 2 contestants will be voted off tomorrow.

Tonight’s theme is the music of Michael Jackson, who is still apparently strapped for cash that he has sold the rights to his songs to Idol. You would think after selling the rights to The Beatles songs to Idol last season that Wacko Jacko would have enough to pay the mortgage, but I guess not. Times are truly tough for us all.

Lil Rounds – “The Way You Make Me Feel”: In her video Lil touts the highlights of Memphis BBQ and music before her hubby brings up the tornado again. Interesting song choice for the designated diva. She is one of the few singers who can actually shout in tune and do so with some soul. She even pulls out a brief falsetto. That was pretty good, exceptional given that she was the first one out. Sexual Chocolate says “this is the way to kick off Season 8” for about the fifth time this season. He also admired the old school vibe Lil put into the song. Kara thinks the other contestants should be worried and wants to hear more of Lil on the radio. Drunk Chick admires the softness of Lil’s outfit and compares her singing to that of angels. Captain Jack thought it was a lazy song choice and gets booed. He then trashes Lil’s outfit and gets booed again. After Ryan challenges him on his clothing comment, Simon declares that he can straighten out Lil in 5 minutes. It may take him a little longer to straighten out Trained Seal though.

Scott McIntyre – “Keep the Faith”: Scott brings up the blindness again, and then his parents talk about how musically inclined Scott and his family are, though when they sang in the video it sounded very out of tune to me. As expected, Scott is at the piano for his song. He starts out slow, does a decent middle part, and then starts to get a bit pitchy and less controlled for the shouting part at the end. The audience of course loves the shouting, even from a blind guy. Horny Chick tries to quiet the crowd and expresses amazement that Scott was able to learn that song in only one week. I guess she is amazed that blind people can actually do things like learn how to play a song, even though Scott has been doing this his entire life. Kara also praises the hopeful message Scott expressed in the song. Paula calls out the composer who just happens to be in the audience. Simon hated the song because no one knows it, then after Scott claims he chose the song to be artistic Captain Jack unleashes the quote of the night: “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show.” Everyone gets all over Simon for that even though it is true. Drunk Chick then points out that Simon claimed that the song was “the…biggest…selling…record…in history…in Norway.” Captain Jack denies everything, including the existence of Norway. The deal for Randy is that the song was fine but the performance was too safe.

Danny Gokey – “PYT”: Interesting that they are trotting out the favorites now instead of at the end of the show. Danny and his father talked about how musical their family has always been. They are better in tune that the McIntyre’s. At least he didn't bring up his deceased wife again and I hope this is the last time I will need to also. Danny starts the song as a ballad with the back-up singers doing most of the singing, and then kicks it up a notch with a fist pump. Danny is in fine voice tonight and I am glad he chose something besides a ballad this time. He is clearly having a good time up there and as well he should. If Danny wasn't the favorite before he is now, especially with his Taylor Hicks-like dance moves. I guess if you are going to emulate someone's dance moves on Idol it might as well be a former Idol winner. Drunk Chick is starting to cry and says that she can see Danny singing with her eyes closed. She then uses her ESP powers and predicts that Danny will be in the finale, and after last season who am I to dispute Drunk Chick’s powers to see into the future. Simon actually thought the vocals were brilliant but hated the dancing. I guess he needed something to criticize. Danny admits that he is a bad dancer and Captain Jack advocates Paula’s services. Randy loved it all, even the dancing. Kara loves the joy in his performance.

Michael Sarver – “You Are Not Alone”: Michael returns to the oil rig site in his fancy shoes to the admiration of his old co-workers. Aren't there OSHA laws against that kind of thing? No music in Michael’s family apparently, but his mom talks up how tough Michael is because he was raised without a daddy. Funny how this sob story wasn't mentioned at his audition where we usually hear these kinds of things. Michael has the bad luck of following Danny’s hyper performance and makes it harder for himself by choosing a slow song. He starts out in tune but kind of flat. He picks it up a bit with the shouting part but I hear lots of breathing spots. He does manage to get out the last big note without a breath though. It was OK but not inspiring. Simon actually liked his performance, admiring him for his passion and effort. Randy was happy that he returned to the soulful vibe and declares him one of the best of the night. Apparently Horny Chick didn't think he could sing until now and admires Michael’s game. Drunk Chick thinks the song is “instinctual-ly perfect for you” and praises the colors that he added to the song. There Paula goes again with the colors, a frequent theme that she brought up last season. Trained Seal asks Michael if he prefers the Idol stage or the oil rig and Michael disses his old mates by saying that he prefers being on Idol and trashing his old co-worker's blue suits.

Jasmine Murray – “I’ll Be There”: After the last few performances I sense a train wreck coming for little Jasmine, who came this close to not making it into the Top 12, I mean 13. She gets the Cola-Cola interview treatment from Trained Seal, who asks her about her experience with the Idol glam squad. Trained Seal is envious that Jasmine gets to keep the make-up and clothes that the squad bought for her. The Murray family, featured in the auditions, is back, though mom doesn't bring up how Jasmine almost killed her at birth like she did back on the audition show. Jasmine is the first to take on a Jackson 5 song instead of one of Wacko Jacko’s solo numbers. This may be tough since Michael was in much higher voice back then and had his 4 brothers to back him up. Jasmine starts out pitchy in the slow spots, then shouts well, then gets pitchy with the slow spots, and then, well, you get the idea. She belts out a big note at the end to get the crowd excited. Sexual Chocolate name drops Mariah for the first time in the finals. I think the over/under on that this year is 5. He thought it was pretty good compared to Michael and Mariah. Kara gets all technical by saying that it would have sounded better if Jasmine had sang it a half-a-key lower. She then admires Jasmine’s stage presence, because after all Jasmine is only 17 and 17-year olds are not supposed to be able to do that. Drunk Chick also admires Jasmine’s composure and how she acts on stage as “if she had been there her whole life.” Since she is 17 I would guess that Jasmine has been on stage her whole life, but I am being picky. Then Paula gets critical and says that she was too under pitch during the chorus. No reaction from the audience. Simon thought Jasmine was a little bit robotic and strangely the audience remains silent. I’m worried now for little Jasmine; whenever Paula gets technical and Simon says something critical without getting booed you know you are in trouble.

Kris Allen – “Remember the Time”: Kris is from a small town in Arkansas and his dad claims that music is in his family too. His has only been married for 5 months and his wife seems remarkably OK with him being out of the house so much. Kris brings out his guitar that is quickly drowned out by Ricky Minor and the band. Is it even plugged in? He is in tune but it is flat, kind of like a performance one would hear on a cruise ship. I have never been on one but if I were I would imagine it would sound like this. He gets pitchy when reaching for the high notes at the end. All in all it was OK but pales in comparison to the others tonight. Horny Chick points out that all of the girls love him with a bit of jealousy in her voice. She is also happy to see him there with his guitar even though I wonder how she even heard it. Perhaps Kara's imagination is more active than we have been led to beleive. Kara notes that Kris was nice enough to help out the other contestants this week even though she doesn't explain how, and then challenges Captain Jack to question why he did that. But first we have to hear from Drunk Chick. Paula claims to know why Kris helped the other contestants but then gets distracted by Captain Jack pulling on a string hanging down from her dress. Finally Paula suggests that Kris knows more of Wacko Jacko’s catalog than anyone else and then claims that Kris is adorable and sexy. Horny Chick thinks Paula is embarrassed to say that Kris is sexy and declares “there’s nothing wrong with sexy!” Thank you Kara, I was wondering if you were going to say something like that. Drunk Chick also gets personal and reveals that she can’t say that to someone from “over the pond.” Somewhere Hugh Grant and every other Englishman who considers himself sexy must be saying “what?” Captain Jack doesn't know what Paula is talking about either. Simon thought the performance was a bit clumsy since he could not hear the guitar and then questions why Kris introduced his wife earlier, suggesting that it may jeopardize his chance of getting the chick vote. Sexual Chocolate thought it was all cool and named dropped Jason Irazi, though if Randy drops a name that I have never heard of does that count? Trained Seal questions why the single Captain Jack is giving out relationship advice.

Allison Iraheta – “Give It to Me”: Allison’s parents are from El Salvador and we see Allison at age 5 or 6 singing before a crowd. She also spends her weekends singing at a Latin themed mall. Allison comes out with a dirty girl look complete with a leather jacket and lots of metal. In a way it matches her voice. Allison is putting such a tough chick spin on this song that it is tough to picture Michael Jackson singing it, and this is his own song. Well, perhaps not any more it’s not. She sounds like 16 going on 30 and just put Jasmine’s teenage stage presence to shame. Not at all what I expected. Drunk Chick asks for Allison’s ID and says that she sounds like she has been singing since she was 2, which Simon points out is true based on her video. Simon loves that Allison knows who she is and thought it was a good performance. Her mom is crying since Captain Jack didn't say anything critical. Randy declares that Allison is born with “it” and declares her as one to watch yet again. Horny Chick encourages Allison to squeeze into the rocker girl pigeon hole; too bad Allison is young enough to actually put some credence to Kara’s bad advice.

Anoop Desai – “Beat It”: Anoop gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal as well. Ryan relives the shocking moment from the wild card show when Simon surprised everybody by declaring that Anoop was contestant number 13. Anoop’s mom says that Anoop was spoiled, though he of course doesn't think he was. There was music in his family too, though unlike any of the other contestants there was an Indian flavor to it. I was wondering if anyone was going to try this song, though given his enthusiastic performance of “My Prerogative” not once but twice I guess he has as good a chance as anyone to pull this off. The band starts off in a different key to increase the challenge. Anoop starts with the shouting right from the start and sings it like he is ready to beat up someone. At least he has the right ‘tude for this song. I admire his enthusiasm but I am not impressed by the singing. Drunk Chick and Captain Jack debate who should comment first even though it is Simon’s turn at the wheel. Drunk Chick was not prepared for this and told Anoop that he should not have chosen that song. She even uses the K-word and, perhaps more surprisingly, gets booed for doing so. Captain Jack of course goes further than that and so does the audience. He even goes to the point of calling Anoop’s performance “stupid.” He pops out the K-word as does Randy. Sexual Chocolate also thought he held too much back. Anoop declares that he will show us what he has next week if he makes it and of course the audience eats that up. Horny Chick was disappointed that she didn't hear any riffs and felt disconnected from Anoop. No, I’m not going to go there, kids may be reading this. Anoop starts to defend himself but the music cuts him off mid-sentence. Trained Seal gives him a chance to say his peace. Ryan then asks Captain Jack if he regrets creating an extra spot for Anoop and Simon says, to little surprise, that based on this performance he was. The audience boos him yet again and Trained Seal gives him the evil eye. Anoop just wanted to please the audience.

Jorge Nunez – “Never Can Say Goodbye”: Here is the guy whose accent spoiled my perfect record in the semis. But I will forgive him if he gives me something to write about here. Before his performance Trained Seal talks to his own mother and grandmother, who has the hots for Sexual Chocolate. Can you say Grandpa Randy, Ryan? No singers in Jorge’s family but there is lots and lots of dancing. Right away I question the song choice, as Jorge has a much lighter voice than the 8 year old Michael Jackson. For someone who wears his emotions on his sleeves his performance is quite restrained. It is pitchy in spots too. Sexual Chocolate declares his mad love for Jorge but trashes the song choice. Horny Chick couldn't feel the emotion and thinks it might because he sang the song in English instead of Spanish. She would have rather heard him sing a sad song. Well it was sad in a way, but not in a good way. Drunk Chick raises Randy’s mad love but she too was emotionally disconnected from the performance. When Paula asks Jorge why he chose the song he responds as if he had not been paying attention. He eventually responds by almost breaking kayfabe, almost claiming that he didn't choose the song. Jorge smartly saves it by saying that he thought the song fit his voice better than “Bad” by Michael Jackson, as opposed to “Bad” by anybody else. Captain Jack takes the bait and says that he did choose bad. He then tells Jorge that his performance was corny and “out of your deck.” That must to be one of them over the pond phrases. Through all this Drunk Chick repeatedly declares that Jorge deserves to stay in the competition, which leads the other 11, I mean 12 contestants to wonder who Paula thinks does not deserve to stay.

Megan Corkrey – “Rockin’ Robin”: Megan is sporting a red and white teddy-looking dress that fits in well with her Coca-Cola treatment. Trained Seal wonders why Megan is in the competition, and she nervously responds that her family pushed her to do it. Both her and her mom talk about how she loves being on stage even though she told Ryan that she had never performed on stage before. Now this is an odd song choice; I would like to know why she chose this one. Megan is more restrained with the tummy shimmy this week but it seems to be affecting her singing, which sounds very strained even for a song as simple as this one. I would characterize this performance as sloppy. The crow caws at the end didn't help. Didn't she do something goofy at the end of her last performance too? Horny Chick thought the performance was very stylish, code words for “you really sucked but the producers want you to go far so I have to say something positive.” I remember the judges said much the same thing about Sanjaya Malakar. Drunk Chick liked the quirkiness, praised the song choice, but still feels disconnected. She thinks we will see more of Megan even though it would be hard to argue that anyone else has done worse tonight than Megan just did. Captain Jack thought the song choice was stupid, the vocals were not very good, the dancing was verging on ridiculous, and that the whole performance was just clumsy and awkward. Those were the first negative words Captain Jack has said about Megan thus far and all she did was laugh. Simon suggested that Megan was the “great hope of American Idol” up until now and I wonder if Horny Chick is not the only judge dreaming about sleeping with the contestants. The other judges claim that Megan is memorable. I couldn't hear Randy’s comment because someone in the audience shouted something that got the tweeners screaming, and this time it wasn't Drunk Chick. Simon asks Chef Ramsey, in attendance this evening, for his opinion and no one heard what he said because the mic guy was napping. Simon, though, didn't think Chef knew was he was talking about anyway. Trained Seal asks Megan if she can make any sense of what the judges said and she replies “sure”, though you know her heart wasn't in it.

Adam Lambert – “Black and White”: Broadway Boy details his struggles in the entertainment business and how it has toughened him up. Unlike the last few performances tonight it sounds like Adam chose a song that fits well with his style of singing. After a decent rendition of the verse he goes into a shout fest with the bridge and then carries it through to the finish. I’m not sure how good of a singer he is but Adam is by far the best screamer in the competition. Pretty good performer too, so me thinks he will go far. Drunk Chick thinks Adam is the most seasoned performer in the history of the show and almost has a nervous breakdown while she says this. She even has Adam in tears as she predicts that he will be in the finale too. So now that Drunk Chick has already declared who the final two will be I guess I can take the next two months off. See ya in May! While Adam managed to keep a straight face during Paula’s praise he breaks down when Simon declares that his performance was in a “totally different league from everything else tonight.” Drunk Chick can’t believe it either. Sexual Chocolate thinks he can make a record right now, and I’m wondering if he ever said the same thing about Taylor Hicks, who also couldn’t sing a lick but was one heck of a performer, which is why Taylor won but can’t keep a record deal. Kara discovered a few notes that she never heard before and hoped Wacko Jacko was watching so that he could pick up some pointers.

The Osbornes are back for a new variety show and now I know where the producers of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire ended up. Dear God. I mean, Ozzy is cool and I love his phone and Warcraft commercials, but this is just ridiculous.

Matt Giraud – “Human Nature”: There was no music in Matt’s family but they still manage to have lots of fun. It took two rewinds of the DVR to decipher the song name because a bunch of tweeners were screeching over Trained Seal’s intro. Not surprisingly, Piano Man comes out with a piano, but like Kris Allen’s guitar we can barely hear it. Tonight he has a smooth if unspectacular voice but with a decent falsetto. Sexual Chocolate drops both Robin Thicke and Justin Timberlake in record time. Horny Chick said nothing of note but did so with lust in her voice. Drunk Chick spits out a few complimentary words while looking at the table. Captain Jack thought it was a solid meat and potatoes performance. It is 9 minutes to 10 and the producers are clearly pushing the judges to be quick with their comments.

Alexis Grace – “Dirty Diana”: Apparently the glam squad doesn’t get paid overtime because Alexis is seen pimping herself before the break. Alexis talks about how she was influenced by the bluesy atmosphere of her hometown of Memphis. Her dad’s name, Randy Middleton, sounds familiar to me for some reason. He has been a musician for 35 years so I wonder if he was in a band that I know. Again Alexis’ young daughter is featured but still no sign of the boyfriend that Horny Chick wanted Alexis to have sex with after her audition. Alexis comes out with the full on dirty girl look with a short black leather dress and the bluesy voice. Before too long she gets into the shouting but at least she is putting some soul into it. Alexis has a good voice but I think she is overdoing it with the dirty girl stuff. If she can tone it down a bit without making it bland then we might have something here. Horny Chick is happy to see that the naughty girl monster that she created is back though I don’t remember her ever being here. Paula actually advises Alexis to watch her over-singing, and I am impressed that Drunk Chick had something cogent to say this late in the show. Simon thought it was over the top. Randy thought it was good and loved the attitude. Trained Seal cautions the voters to dial carefully since Alexis has a number ending in 36 instead of 13. I guess someone forgot to pay the bribe to AT&T. After that Trained Seal warns us that the judges have a special surprise rule change for tomorrow’s results show that involves them and will change the very nature of the show. Oh, please don’t make me watch the results show to find out. Maybe I’ll record it so I can fast forward through the group medley and Trained Seal's insufferable teases. After the final recap Ryan says goodnight 4 minutes after 10.

The Final Score: 24 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, back again on top; 19 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 17 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 13 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 9 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy; 2 shots at Ricky Minor and the band; and 14 shots at the audience. 5 direct references to former Idol contestants, 8 references to other non-Idol performers, 7 shouting contestants, 5 singing families, 4 name drops, 4 foreign country references, 3 Coca-Cola treatments, 3 life-long singers, 3 K-word utterances, 2 dirty girls, 2 visions of the future, 2 iTunes pimps from the band balcony, 1 almost kayfabe violation, 1 napping mic guy, 1 OSHA violation, 1 over the pond phrase, 1 almost nervous breakdown, and 4 minutes of overtime pay for the crew. Didn’t see the new Cheyennis Doom Ford commercial though, maybe it will be on the results show and give me a reason to stop the fast forwarding.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Lil Rounds, Danny Gokey, Allison Iraheta, and Adam Lambert were among the favorites going in and they all were the top stars tonight. I know I am only supposed to pick 3 but if the producers can have 13 people in the Top 12 then I can 4 people in the 3 Stars of the Night feature, at least this week.

Idol Gives Back: No need to fill you in on last week’s hijinks. I took care of that for you with my special recap of the wild card show.

The Fearless Prediction: The obvious place to look for the bottom 3 would be the 4 were selected by the judges and not by the producers, I mean viewers, especially since all the ones who were voted in the finals did pretty well tonight, or at least well enough to stay alive for another week. Among those 4 Matt Giraud was the only one who sang well enough to be safe. I predict that the other 3 wild cards, Jasmine Murray, Anoop Desai, and Megan Corkrey, are all in the danger zone and will comprise the bottom 3, assuming of course that the special surprise tomorrow is not that there will be a bottom 6 or something instead. The only thing keeping Megan on the show was Captain Jack’s hormones, but now that he has turned on her I suspect that Megan will be one of the two who will leave tomorrow. Since Idol voters tend to like comparing performers against like performers I predict that Jasmine Murray will be the other one to leave, since she was the second best teenager tonight and Anoop was the best singer of Indian descent. As for the secret surprise I predict that only one of the dismissals tonight will be from the viewer’s vote and that the 4 stooges at the judges desk will send off the other after being subjected to yet another lengthy pep talk from Drunk Chick.