Name Drops Keep Falling On My Head

Apparently two seasons of Trained Seal pimping iTunes were not enough to pay Steve Jobs’ mortgage, so tonight we’ll have 90 minutes of iTunes pimping. Somehow the producers came up with a show theme that they could use for constant product placement. Perhaps later this season themes will include songs that you can play on Ford’s Sync system and songs that have been used in Coca-Cola commercials.

Since this week’s theme allows the contestants to sing songs that are hot, fresh, and current I looked online ahead of time to see if I could get the song list in advance since I figured that the chances were good that I would not recognize at least half the songs. I also want to reduce the number of times I have to stop and start the DVR to make sure I get the song and artist written down. All that stopping and starting takes time and I’m getting tired of getting tired of staying up so late to write these recaps, not to mention that I’m getting of tired of complaining that I’m getting tired. I imagine you are too.

Trained Seal’s intro has all the false dramatics that we have all come to know and love, though he didn't say anything of note this week. Drunk Chick is wearing another skirt tonight. You would think that after last week’s embarrassing comments she would have considering wearing a pants suit or something instead. Big Sexy repeats the comments he says at the start of the show every week. Horny Chick talks about artistry again. Drunk Chick assures Ryan that she has nothing under the table tonight, though she neglects to mention if she is still hiding something in her skirt. Captain Jack is looking forward to Trained Seal being “amazing”.

Last week the contestants went with Barry Gordy and Smokey Robinson to visit Hitsville in Detroit. This week they visited Trained Seal at his radio studio. What, the producers could not afford to fly 9 people plus a camera crew to Cupertino to visit Apple? They all look chipper in the video but it has to be something of a disappointment considering the other perks these folks have been getting, Trained Seal acts like he is the star of the show as if he was a tor-mentor.

Anoop Desai – “Caught Up” by Usher: Anoop promises to follow Big Sexy’s advice from last week and get back to the hip hoppy high energy stuff. I hope he still feels good about that decision when Trained Seal puts him in the bottom 3 tomorrow. Anoop is bringing out the attitude but his tone is very flat; not pitchy per say, more out of tune like a beginner trumpet player. He never really gets it in tune and ends the song the same way he started it. Big Sexy loved the swagger but didn't think it was the right song for him, even though Anoop was just doing what Big Sexy told him to do. Horny Chick thought Anoop played it safe and uses about 30 words to say that it sounded like karaoke. She then adds that to her it sounded like Anoop was dared to sing the song by a bunch of drunken frat boys. I bet Kara was speaking from experience there. Drunk Chick wanted to see more dancing and wanted Anoop to abuse the band more. Simon thought it was an utter mess and that Anoop came over as a “wanna-be.” When asked by Ryan, Anoop justified his song choice and at the same time trashed Kara’s comments. He wants to be an R&B artist, damn it! Not the crooner that Horny Chick wants him to be. Never mind that he can’t sing R&B songs. Attitude alone can’t get ‘er done, dawg.

Megan Joy Corkrey – “Turn Your Lights Down Low” by Bob Marley/Lauren Hill (slash added by Megan): I wonder why Megan is singing so early tonight. Have the producers decided that it is time for her to go? Then again, the advance word was the Megan was supposed to go first, only for the producers to move her out of the spot of death at the last minute. I am so confused about whether or not the producers want to get rid of this chick or keep her around. I am also confused by this odd song choice. A reggae song? Within the first five notes this did not sound like a good song choice. She is in decent voice but can you imagine Janis Joplin singing reggae? Neither can I. She does appear to be having some fun though, and I didn't see the annoying tummy shimmy that much this time. Of course this was because the camera focused on her face for most of the song, suggesting that the producers are getting tired to the shimmy too. Kara painfully declares that Megan is in trouble and trashes the song choice, name dropping Adele in the process. When the crowd gets on her case Horny Chick lashes back again by declaring “you get up here and do it then.” It’s a deal; I’ll book my ticket to Hollywood tomorrow. Captain Jack expresses words of sympathy. Paula was disappointed that Megan did not take us by surprise and sing a sensitive ballad and no one boos. Captain Jack thought the song was boring and self-indulgent and basically repeats the same thing he said last week, with the same crowd reaction. Big Sexy compared it to watching paint dry. He then name drops Duffy, Amy Winehouse, and Adele, and Horny Chick is upset that he repeated what she said. Megan politely disagrees with the judges and tells Trained Seal that she thought the audience and her fans were “feeling it”, though she claims that she now understands what the judges have been saying. Captain Jack is not convinced of Megan’s sincerity.

Danny Gokey – “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts: Danny gets the Coca-Cola treatment from Trained Seal, who questions why Danny chose a country song. Danny also claims that last week’s clumsy performance was because he really wanted to do another song and had to settle for his fifth song choice. Oh, and Paula’s chihuahuas ate his lyric sheet. Danny tones it down, which means no Taylor Hicks-like dancing to criticize. He throws a few nice runs in there and then kicks it up with big notes to get the crowd excited. Good tone, good pitch, good song choice, and no wacky stuff. Yeah, this was pretty good. Not goosebump good but still better than anyone else so far. Drunk Chick wants more for her heart. Simon thought it was Danny’s best performance of the competition and both Danny and the audience almost collectively faint. Captain Jack then reaches into his bag of analogy tricks and says that this performance compared to Danny’s previous two was like two snails competing against a race horse. “It’s crazy!” Captain Jack declares. “You’re crazy!” I shout back at the TV. Big Sexy thought Danny’s performance was crazy and appropriate for a “singing competition”. Everyone playing along at home take a drink! Captain Jack tells Danny to ignore Big Sexy’s advice to rock it with the mic next week. Are you listening Anoop? Horny Chick was emotionally moved and may be reconsidering choosing Matt to be the object of her affection this season. She had the goosebumps even if I didn't, but then she plays on the other side of the fence from me.

Allison Iraheta – “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt: Allison has a hideous red outfit on and an equally scary hairdo. I’m sorry, I know she is 16 and is my personal favorite to win but whoever is dressing her should be fired. Allison busts out the guitar for the first time, perhaps to try and hide the outfit. She starts out very shaky and loses the beat a couple of times, not good when you’re the only one playing or singing. She starts to gain some confidence when she ditches the guitar and the band starts playing. Well, slurring is more like it. By the end she is really bringing it and she almost saves what looked at the start to be a train wreck. Almost. Big Sexy says lots of complimentary things but cannot believe what Allison is wearing. The audience claims that they dig it and I’m thinking that it is about time that they start setting some criteria for who should be allowed to be in the audience for this show. Maybe like a test or something. Horny Chick thinks that Allison doesn't need to dress like a rocker chick, and this is the girl who pushed Alexis Grace to do exactly that. Drunk Chick didn't realize until Allison brought out the guitar that she has an edge to her, proving again that Paula is either losing her mind or is too drunk to remember any of Allison’s other performances. Memory loss is a well known side affect of drinking too much alcohol after all. Thanks, Paula, for that indirect community service reminder. Drunk Chick continues her comments as if she is reading them from a script or a teleprompter. Captain Jack thought Allison was too precocious and “dressy-uppy”, and Paula claims that this is no different from what Simon was doing at 16. Now we know what Paula was doing when she was 16. I’m surprised that she even remembers what she was doing when she was 16. I would be surprised if she remembers what she did last week. The rest of Captain Jack’s comments were drowned out by the other judges saying something that the audience cheers for, and then by the Idol bumper music.

Scott McIntyre – “Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel: Way to take a chance there, Scott. I guess he still doesn't want to take Drunk Chick’s advice. This guy is smarter than I thought. No back-up singers at the piano tonight, just Wonder Man and his keys. The song seems to be suiting him much better than the shouting bounce fests he has been singing the last 3 weeks. He still works in a few shouts into a song that doesn't have any. It was a fine vocal performance but it sounded a little too self-indulgent to me. Horny Chick thinks Scott made a smart decision by doing a Billy Joel song from an honest place. She also loves the new look. I guess someone must have dressed him this week. Rather than paraphrase I’ll let Drunk Chick speak for herself: “Out of all of the contestants that have graced this stage, I’m most proud of you. And I want the audience to know, it has nothing to do about your challenge but everything to do that makes me forget about that challenge.” It sounds like Scott’s strategy of leaving a bottle of whiskey at Paula’s dressing room door each week is starting to pay off. I would guess that Drunk Chick has been waiting for weeks to bring up the blindness thing and with the alcohol switching off whatever restraint Drunk Chick has left the time finally came to bring it out. Even Scott looks a little uncomfortable. Simon thought it was Scott’s best performance. That is not saying much but I would agree with that assessment. Captain Jack lauds Scott for not listening to “madam’s advice” about not playing the piano and as expected Drunk Chick denies ever saying that. Captain Jack calls for rewinding the tape. The two start arguing again and the producers get in Big Sexy’s ear and tell him to jump in and make his comments before the two kids start throwing punches on live television. The producers do the same to Trained Seal and push him to quickly read Scott’s phone number and go to break.

Matt Giraud – “You Found Me” by The Fray: The other Piano Man has to follow Wonder Man, who tells Trained Seal in his Coca-Cola treatment that he was surprised that he was in the bottom 3 last week when the judges were so positive. I must admit that I have never heard of this band. Matt leaves the stage and starts in the middle of the audience with his keyboard. The first few notes were out-of-tune and rushed, but he manages to get it back in gear before the shouting chorus. Matt is putting a lot into the performance, maybe a little too much. That bottom 3 thing last week must have put the fear of God in him. Drunk Chick was disappointed that Matt “aborted” the riffing and falsetto voice that she loves so much. She too avoids the K-word but essentially accuses Matt of doing that. The crowd boos her without mercy, but this time Paula does not have a stroke about it. Captain Jack thinks Matt should be happy that the judges don’t like him this week. He also found the performance to be too uptight and too copycat, another way of saying the K-word. Since I have never heard of The Fray I have to take his word for it. Big Sexy trashes the song choice by name dropping Justin Timberlake again and also mentions One Republic, another band that I have never heard of. He wants to see more flavor and less rock. Horny Chick is looking for a commitment but doesn't think he deserves to go home, like a girlfriend usually does.

Lil Rounds – “I Surrender” by Celine Dion: Lil is tired of getting nailed about her song choices, so after careful consideration she chooses a Celine Dion song. Go figure. I guess she has finally decided to embrace her divaness. Lil has yet another new hair style this week. It doesn't serve her well but it looks better than the hideous do that Allison had. She starts out boring and flat but kicks it up with the big notes that explain why Lil chose the song. The audience reacts like it is the greatest thing since Danny Gokey sang but I was not as amazed. It was good, but it was too predictable. Guess what, Big Sexy nails Lil on the song choice but claims that she sang it well to limit the booing. He is literally begging Lil to sing a younger song like a Mary J. Blige or Keisha Cole tune. Horny Chick joins the name drop parade by adding Mariah and Eric Carmen. Kara loves the big notes but thought there was not enough of them. Paula wants to see more joy and less adult contemporary. Simon calls Lil out for being too safe and too soft. He suggested that Lil sing the Mary J. Blige version of U2’s “One”. Trained Seal asks Lil’s daughters if they think the judges were too hard on their mom. The first daughter declines to say anything but the other says that she’ll take a swing at Captain Jack, only to see her change her mind and accept a hug from Big Sexy instead.

Adam Lambert – “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry: Now this ought to be interesting. I am actually starting to look forward to his performances just to see what he does. Good or bad it is bound to be interesting. Adam kept the pompadour from last week. You know, he is bringing a different take this song, which I didn't think was possible. It has kind of a high speed reggae/Rolling Stones mix to it. He holds off on the shouting until the chorus, but as I've pointed out before he is the best shouter in the competition so it does not hurt him as much. At the end it is almost all shouting but he still made it interesting, and no one else (Allison’s hairstyle not withstanding) is doing that on this show. Drunk Chick is speechless at first, but then finds enough breath to declare Adam to be a true genius comparable to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Captain Jack thought Adam was brave and original and actually dares to utter the K-word to describe everyone else’s performance. Sure, he has the guts to say it now when they are all back stage. Big Sexy thought it would be corny but was happy that it wasn't. Adam takes the opportunity to give some props to Ricky Minor and the band for the arrangement. Horny Chick thought it was like “Studio 57” up there. Trained Seal did not have enough time to correct Kara’s analogy. It is supposed to be Studio 54; I looked it up to be sure.

Kris Allen – “Ain't No Sunshine” by Bill Withers: Tender Dawg gets the closer spot even though he hasn't yet been in the bottom 3. Kris promises to make this song “current”. I don’t know, he is playing with fire by doing that with a song like this. Kris starts out very dramatic, and ditched the guitar that we never heard for a keyboard that we can actually hear. The string quartet kicks in with the second verse along with the goofy faces that the tweener chicks crave. It was a decent performance, probably enough to keep him around for another week, but I don’t know if adding some dramatic pauses and a few grunts and groans here and there makes it “current”, unless you are David Cook. Now I’m name dropping. Randy thought Kris was creative and slayed it again this week. Horny Chick is ecstatic about the artistry, and actually keeps to her promise to use only three words this time. Drunk Chick did in fact think it was current and his best performance to date. Simon liked the clever arrangement and his newfound confidence. Trained Seal gives Horny Chick a hard time about the numbers thing while he gives out Kris’ number.

And now, the continuation of the Osborne’s overexposure. I was not surprised to see that the producers of American Idol are also producing this poison too.

The Final Score: 15 shots at Drunk Chick Paula; 15 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 13 shots at Big Sexy Randy; 12 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 12 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; and 10 shots at the audience. A pretty even spread this week, more so than I think I have ever seen it. 3 direct references to former Idol contestants and 18 references to other non-Idol performers thanks to all the name dropping. 3 references to a contestant’s haircut, 3 contestants playing keyboards, 3 reminders of how alcohol affects memory, 2 Coca-Cola treatments, 2 bands that I have never heard of, 1 reference to Idol being a singing competition, 1 offer to become an Idol judge, 1 drunken frat boy reference, 1 billionaire reference, 1 K-word utterance, 3 avoidances of K-word utterances, and I didn't bother to count the number of iTunes plugs.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Danny Gokey put himself back into the frontrunner spot after two somewhat off weeks. Adam Lambert surprised me yet again. I must admit that I am starting to warm up to Broadway Boy. I’ll put Kris Allen in the show spot, not so much because he was so good but because everyone else was worse than him.

Idol Gives Back: Michael Sarver’s departure did not surprise anyone and I am back up to .500 for the finals. What was surprising was to see Matt Giraud in the bottom 3. I see a trend here. The last two weeks there has been a “surprising” bottom 3 occupant, Matt last week and Allison the week before. In both cases they were the first contestant of the night, and both had something in common with another performer in the bottom 3. Allison and Alexis Grace were both rocker chicks, and both Matt and Scott McIntyre play the piano. I know, kind of eerie, huh?

The Fearless Prediction: You would think that giving the contestants a longer list of songs to choose from would have resulted in better performances, but with few exceptions they were actually worse. Maybe the producers should stick to telling the contestants what song to sing like they usually do. This makes it more difficult for me to predict a bottom 3. I will again predict that Megan Joy Corkrey will be in the bottom 3 and again expect that the producers and Vote for the Worst.com will prove me wrong. I suspect that Matt Giraud will be back in the bottom 3 only because Scott McIntyre was a little bit better than him tonight, though it would not surprise me to see Lil Rounds or Allison Iraheta there instead. Yes, I am hedging my bets. My fearless prediction, though, is that what I predicted last week will come true, and that because Anoop Desai followed Big Sexy’s advice he will be heading back to Tobacco Road to study barbeque tomorrow night.