Bore Me to Tears of Jupiter

Just how influential is new President Barack Obama? So much so that he got America’s most popular television program to move to the next night to make room for his not the State of the Union State of the Union speech. I am surprised, though, that the president’s daughters allowed him to get away with that. I get the feeling that they are big American Idol fans.

Trained Seal is back with the casual wear, though this time his shirt has a collar. The judges are aligned in a mirror image of where they sat last week. Randy thinks tonight’s contestants have an advantage since they got to see last week’s guinea pigs. The two chicks give useless advice. Ryan claims Simon has problems with the lights, which of course Captain Jack denies. Simon then refuses to give the contestants any advice.

Jasmine Murray – “Love Song” by Sarah Bareilles: This is the poor chick from the homeless shelter, I think. I do remember that she was in one of the featured Hollywood Week groups with Bikini Girl. She starts off somewhat pitchy with the lower notes. The pitch gets better with the louder chorus. I notice a lot of Idol contestants try to solve their pitch problems by singing louder. I would call it shouting but I am no expert. Jasmine has some soul in her voice and looks good while singing with it but all in all it didn't blow me away. Randy agrees with me. Kara lauds her commercialism but also gets on her case about the low notes. Paula wants to disagree with Randy and Kara but can’t bring herself to do it. Someone must have spiked Drunk Chick’s drink with something non-alcoholic because she sounds somewhat sane. It is early, though, so Paula has plenty of time to get that buzz that we all love. Simon goes after the audience for booing him when he agrees with the other judges. Jasmine thought she actually did well and had a good time, at least until all the judges panned her. She still shows the smile as she banters with Trained Seal about her efforts to vote last week. Ryan acts surprised that Jasmine actually tried to vote.

Matt Giraud – “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay: It’s the dueling piano player that sings like Elliott Yamin. Any bets as to whether or not he’ll play a piano if he makes it into the Top 12? It’s an interesting song choice. Matt starts off with a pretty good imitation of Chris Martin, but he soon fades into a more breathy version, kind of like David Archuleta imitating Chris Martin. Elliott Yamin he’s not, at least not tonight. He is putting an interesting spin on the song to venture out of the karaoke zone, but that is about the only positive thing that I can say about his performance. Kara jumps ahead of Randy and trashes the song choice. Paula this time admits that she saw the rehearsal only so that she could be positive and say that he was better now compared to then. Simon accuses Matt of being a wanna-be pop star and gets booed by the audience. Randy agrees with Simon and gets no reaction, then gets applause when he says he still believes in Matt. Matt dismisses them all by saying that this is the kind of songs that he wants to sing instead of the piano bar stuff the judges urged him to return to.

Jeanine Vailes – “This Love” by Maroon 5: Like last week, I won’t get into the bios of contestants the Idol producers didn't bother to feature during the auditions unless they make it into the Top 12. I will point out that Jessie is a bartender only because she is pretty too and I wanted to offer up something besides a comment about her appearance. I don’t want you to think I am shallow or anything. Oh yeah, she’s wearing short shorts to display some nice legs too. She has a ‘tude like Jasmine but she is singing better while displaying it. Overall, I thought it was pretty good, but good enough to get around the fact the producers ignored her? Probably not. Paula thought she had great legs and then passed over to Simon without further comment. Looks like the buzz is beginning to kick into Drunk Chick’s head. Simon agrees with Paula about Jeanine’s legs but then says the performance was terrible. Randy thought the best part of her performance was when it was over, an unusually harsh remark from Sexual Chocolate that causes the audience to now boo him. Kara thought Jeanine overdid the song while the rest of the judges giggle about the legs. Jeanine reveals her frustration that she wasn't seen during the auditions in order to justify her song choice. Captain Jack thinks Jeanine deserves another shot and Trained Seal thinks Simon needs another shot. Drunk Chick seconds the motion as expected. The nonsense ends with a brief discussion about how old Jeanine and Simon are.

Nick Mitchell – “You’re Going to Love Me” by Jennifer Hudson: It’s time for the Idol Wild Card to take the stage. After appearing straight during his video it is Normund Gentle that appears on the steps. After some emoting on stage Normund gets on his knees in front of the judges table and heavily pets the Idol logo. The rest of the performance includes more kneeling and the tossing of various clothing accessories. Well, it was what it was. I really don’t have much to say about Nick’s singing because it was overshadowed by everything else. It was far from a stellar singing performance but it was very entertaining and very memorable. Captain Jack thinks he is speaking for America by saying that he is praying that Nick doesn't go on to the next round, no doubt thinking of Sanjaya Malakar while doing so. I thought that it was Tatiana that America didn't want to move on. Simon even gives Nick’s performance a name: “horrific comedy.” “It takes one to know one sacky pants,” Nick replies to much applause with a karate kick and a towel toss. Randy once again agrees with me, bad vocals but very entertaining. Kara gives Nick a backhanded compliment by saying that he is “not a terrible singer.” Before Paula speaks Captain Jack blurts out a backhanded insult by claiming that Paula can relate to Normund’s ability to perform while singing badly. Paula dismissed Simon and talks about she loves how his performance was a homage to Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” and to Jerry Lewis. Where she got those references, God only knows. Drunk Chick then wonders if Idol is the right stage for Normund, leading to the inevitable question as to why he was put through. Well, there is always America’s Got Talent. Nick might actually have a chance on that show. While commenting on his own performance Nick declares his fear that Captain Jack wants to kill him. This prompts the homo-banter that this show is famous for: Simon: “Ryan, did you like him?” Ryan: “In a different way than you probably would.” Simon: “I could believe that.” Audience: “Whoooo.” Trained Seal then pulls a slight of hand by ignoring Captain Jack and asking Paula if she would vote for Nick based on his singing alone. Drunk Chick’s response, after a swig, was “I saw him smiling the whole time.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence Ryan re-asks Paula the same question. This time Drunk Chick comes back with “I thought you were asking Simon,” and then she babbles on incoherently. Paula obviously does not want to answer the question. Nick saves Paula and brings the homo-banter back by asking Trained Seal why he keeps asking Nick how he feels. Ryan, frustrated perhaps that Nick has outed him, reveals that he doesn't think Nick should go on to the Top 12, prompting Drunk Chick to shout something to get the audience to clap.

Allison Iraheta – “Alone” by Heart: The judges’ dark horse is greeted by Trained Seal in the Coca-Cola loft. Allison is not too excited about not being in regular high school and instead being trapped in Idol high school. She is the first artist tonight to not struggle with pitch during the low notes, and then manages to stay in pitch during the shouting parts. Best of the night so far by a country mile. Too bad she had to follow Normund. Randy loves that we finally had some real singing. Horny Chick thinks Allison is too serious and that she still has some stage fright. Allison didn't look frightened to me, at least tonight. Paula thinks she can sing the telephone book and, in continuation of another common Idol theme, goes on and on about how amazed she is that a 16 year old can sing as well as she did. You would think after 16 year old Jordin Sparks won two seasons ago that the judges wouldn't be so amazed. Simon thought she was too boring in the Coca-Cola room but loved her singing on stage. All through this Ryan was hanging out with Allison’s mom, who was apparently so scared to hear what Simon had to say that she covered her face during Captain Jack’s comments.

Kris Allen – “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson: Like Allison he got 5 seconds of air time during the auditions and will need an Allison-like performance to have any shot of moving on. We learn that at the auditions Simon was put off by Kris’s modesty, which may explain why he only had 5 seconds of air time before tonight. Yet another odd song choice, I don’t think I've heard anyone sing a Wacko Jacko song well on this show. Perhaps they should consider banning Michael Jackson songs. Kris puts more of an upbeat spin on the song, kind of Maroon 5-ish. Not bad, perhaps second best of the night to this point. Horny Chick liked the back, hated the front, and thought Kris’ performance sucked compared to what he did during Hollywood Week, which of course we never saw. For once the audience booed her. Paula proudly proclaims that she disagreed completely to Kara and the audience cheers. Captain Jack agrees with Paula and earns crazy applause from the audience and a kiss from Paula. Sexual Chocolate proudly proclaims that he partially disagrees with Simon but then basically repeats what Simon said.

Megan Corkrey – “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae: I will try and be more restrained in my sarcasm this time because she is a nice girl. She shakes her booty at the start and solicits a couple of whoos from the crowd. OK, this time I think it really was the wrong song choice. She has a nice voice but it doesn't seem to be fitting in well with this song. It is not pitchy or anything, it just seems a little odd. Let’s see if the judges agree with me. Paula of course thinks she picked the right song and did everything right. Simon accuses Megan of being a funny little thing and oversang the second part of the song. Captain Jack is being surprisingly restrained with his criticism but still gets booed. Randy thought it was a nice job. Horny Chick calls Megan a “package artist”, someone who could break out with the right song and video, but then says nothing about her performance tonight. Trained Seal and Megan compare booty shakes and then Ryan suggests that Paula should see his “cold hearted snake.” Believe me, it was not nearly as sexually suggestive live as it appears here in print.

Matt Breitzke – “If You Could Only See” by Tonic: Matt is the welder who couldn't tolerate Tatiana’s meltdown during Hollywood Week. He keeps the blue collar thing going on with the jeans and untucked shirt. He is putting a Chris Daughtry/David Cook-esque rock spin on this pop song and did an OK job with it. He stayed in tune at least. Simon hated the song and is frustrated that Matt chose it. Matt respectfully disagrees. Randy that it was really boring and Kara thought it was really flat. Paula didn't think the song celebrated who she fell in love with. Even after all 4 judges thought it was a bad song choice Matt still disagrees and tells Ryan that he still would have chosen that song.

Jessie Langseth – “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes: Again, I’m not going to bother with describing people that we haven’t seen before, though her looks have changed so much from the auditions that maybe we did see her after all. Now this is by far the most interesting song choice of the night so far. I don’t know, she is clearly giving her all but this performance is flatter than Matt’s. It didn't blow me away. Randy was upset that it didn't blow him away too. Jessie scores points by challenging Sexual Chocolate to justify his criticism, asking him to specify what it was that he didn't like about it and what he would have rather seen her do. Randy actually replies with something that makes some sense, saying that he wanted to hear more of a vocal range. Jessie is impressed that Randy actually answered her question with a coherent answer. Kara thought that Jessie was interesting to watch but that there were only moments that she liked, not the whole song. Jessie talks about how much she likes the drum line in the song and Drunk Chick leads the audience in a clapping routine. Paula liked Jessie’s unique phrasing and how cool she is. Simon doesn't want to be rude but thinks she is forgettable and “too cool for school.” Jessie actually has an interesting personality; it’s too bad that we never got to see it during the audition shows.

Kai Kalama – “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” by Jimmy Ruffin: Mom is still doing OK and is in the audience tonight. Kai carries on tonight’s theme by being in tune, being on pitch, including a little bit of shouting, and mostly being forgettable. If this keeps up Normund might actually have a chance at getting into the Top 12. Hard to criticize Kai’s performance but I can’t really praise it either. Kara thought the song was too old-fashioned. Paula says he was pitchy but was surprised at how well he performed it. Captain Jack thought it was corny and wedding singer-like, nothing distinct or memorable but capable. Yeah, just like I said. Randy thought it was much too safe. Still, he has a shot at getting through unless one of the last 2 contestants break the trend and do something interesting.

Mishavonna Henson – “Drops of Jupiter” by Train: I hope they finally explain the origin of her name. No such luck, but we do learn that she is from the OC. It’s good to see another OC native make good. She is mostly in tune but is struggling to hit the high notes, which again she resolves by shouting through the finale. At spots she has a nice voice but there were some spots that were very shaky. Paula seems sad by the song choice. Simon thinks Mishavonna was too serious and cold and sang the song like a 50-year old, which Drunk Chick by explaining to Captain Jack that the coldness was because “it is drops, from Jupiter.” Simon struggles with the rest of his critique while also trying to make sense of Drunk Chick’s attempt at humor. Randy agrees with Simon and Paula starts laughing. Kara thinks Mishavonna is too “put together” and needs to shake it up more and Paula starts sneezing, which Sexual Chocolate thinks may be a sign of Drunk Chick’s displeasure over her fellow judges’ comments. Mishavonna agrees that she hasn't been crazy enough on stage and promises to be Super Crazy if she gets through to the Top 12. She should have thought of that before singing such a cold song.

Adam Lambert – “Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones: Broadway Boy gets the closer spot and I have my first contestant nickname figured out. He declares that he was enlightened by Horny Chick’s comments during that the auditions that he was too dramatic. Forget what I said before, this is the most interesting song choice of the night. Adam is in full-on drama queen mode but he’s doing it in tune and in pitch. He is phrasing it well and for once he doesn't sound like he is in the middle of a Broadway production. It was over the top but how else can anyone do that song without sounding like an idiot? Paula thinks she was watching an Adam Lambert concert instead of Idol. Captain Jack thought some parts were horrible and some parts were brilliant and then immediately contradicted himself by calling it a “love it or hate it performance” without really saying which way he was leaning. Randy was feeling the love and thought Adam was one of the “most current” singers in the history of the show. Kara thought his technical ability was crazy and outrageous. After that my picture got jumpy so I don’t know why the chicks were pointing into the audience. The jumpiness continues through the recap so I’m taking this as a sign that it is time for me to wrap this one up.

The Final Score: 14 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, 10 shots at Captain Jack Simon, 6 shots at Trained Seal Ryan, 5 shots at Horny Chick Kara, 5 shots at Sexual Chocolate Randy, and 10 shots at the audience. 8 direct references to former Idol contestants, 5 references to other non-Idol performers, and 5 direct and indirect sexual references. 2 Idol nicknames, 2 backhanded comments, 2 iTunes plugs, 2 common themes identified, 1 karate kick, 1 product plug, 1 plug for another show, a bunch of jumpy pictures, and a shout-out to my old home county.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: Allison Iraheta was the only one that came close to goose bumps. If she keeps this up she won’t be a dark horse for long. Adam Lambert did Mick Jagger justice, and Kris Allen did a respectable job with a Wacko Jacko song. Honorable mention goes to Nick Mitchell for one of the most entertaining semi-final performances in quite some time.

Idol Gives Back: I started the live Idol season by going 3 for 3, picking all 3 finalists. Fortunately I missed most of the results show, catching only the very end when the Idol producers manipulated Tatiana Del Toro’s dramatic tendencies for dramatic effect. I think she was the only person in America that thought that she would be going through instead of Danny Gorky. I love, though, how Tatiana denied the producers what their hearts desired by acting so restrained during Danny’s celebration song. I also noticed how none of the other contestants were paying much attention to her when she finally did start to break down.

The Fearless Prediction: Just like the first Semi-Final 12 there is only one slam dunk finalist, Alison Iraheta. Kris Allen sang better than Adam Lambert but to be honest Adam is much more memorable so I predict Adam will be the top guy through to the Top 12. As for the third finalist, it depends on how America feels about Nick Mitchell. Memorability is not a problem with him, but can an entertainer, as opposed to a singer, make it into the Top 12? My gut feeling is that he won’t and that Kris Allen will get through instead, but it would not surprise me to see Normund strutting his stuff a couple weeks from now.