Lost In America

After subjecting America to the overexposed clan known as the Osborne’s last week Fox told the producers of Idol that they will have only one hour this week so they can air Fringe instead of those wacky Brits. So after having to rush to fit 9 contestants in 90 minutes last week Trained Seal will have to push 8 contestants through in only 60 minutes tonight. If he actually manages to do that without going over I promise to call him by only his birth name next week.

Tonight each contestant has to sing a song recorded in the year each of them was born. Since the producers continue to insist on discriminating against everyone under the age of 16 or over the age of 28 that means that it is de-facto eighties night on Idol. Now, will anyone select a Paula Abdul song? In the last three and half seasons I have been paying attention to this show I cannot think of one time when a contestant sang “Forever Your Girl” or “Cold Hearted Snake” or even that song that Drunk Chick did with the cartoon cat. Yes, I realize that knowing these songs does date me.

Trained Seal starts the show by telling us all that the remaining eight contestants’ lives are in our hands. Well God help them if that is true. There is no announcer or formal intros tonight to save time. Instead Ryan comes out un-introduced and the judges are already in their seats. Trained Seal is immediately in a hurry, as instead of engaging in mindless banter with the judges Ryan shows their baby photos. The judges try to act embarrassed of course, but I would think that they would have known that the producers had these photos, or else how did they get them? Captain Jack’s photo is the only interesting one because it shows Simon in a soldier outfit complete with a toy pistol pointed at the photo shooter. Trained Seal’s photo is shown too, which leads Drunk Chick to ask Ryan if he liked carrots as a kid. Only Trained Seal seems to understand the joke.

Danny Gokey – “Stand by Me”, Mickey Gilley’s version: Danny is our oldest contestant, having been born in 1980, so he gets to go first, or at least that is the excuse that Trained Seal uses. Danny’s dad is back on the video and he and Danny both talk about how amazed they all were that Danny could sing when he was like 2 or 3 or something. I did not catch the actual age nor did I care to rewind the DVR to check. We also get another quick shot of the singing Gokeys. For the second straight week Danny tries a slow country song, but unlike last week it is just a little off-key to start. The audience doesn't seem to care since they still scream for the emoting. Danny’s pitch gets better when the band jumps in to help drown him out. He throws in a nice riff before rolling into the shouting part. The last part of the song has a nice arrangement to it, despite the shouting. Ah, it was OK I guess. Not his best. Big Sexy didn't like the arrangement but loved him anyway, and then declares that Danny is a vocal star on “a vocal talent show”. That is three now, I think. Kara was impressed by the multiple levels Danny put into the song and how he turned the song on its head. Drunk Chick loves the arrangement and thinks the bar has been set too high for the other contestants, though she stops short of calling it the best first ever this time. Captain Jack can’t understand what Paula said, but then more or less repeats what Paula said. Trained Seal is in too much of a hurry to verbally jostle with Captain Jack and instead just reads the phone number.

Kris Allen – “All She Wants to Do Is Dance” by Don Henley: Kris is in the Coca-Cola chair to the delight of the tweeners in the crowd. Kris talks about how he went to the beach on his one day off and rode the Ferris wheel, though he neglects to mention if his wife accompanied him or not. The kid is finally starting to catch on. He tells the story about how the wheel operator recognized him from being on Idol but then asked about Adam Lambert. Any guess as to the gender of the carny? In the video Kris and his mom related his dream of being a taxi driver when he was a kid because he wanted to travel a lot, not because he wanted to speak a foreign language or milk tourists for their money by getting them lost. The song starts with lots of horns like an Earth, Wind, & Fire song, which is totally different from how the ex-Eagle did it. Kris is playing his guitar again and again I cannot hear it over the horns and the screams. He is trying what Matt attempted last week by performing inside a crowd of tweeners who are so close that one or two of them appear to be touching him. Kris has given this sort of an upbeat R&B feel to it, which I am kind of digging. The singing was just so-so but the arrangement was good. Kara was happy to see Kris pick up the tempo but she thought it was like “jazz-funk homework” and had no youth. The crowd of course boos this semi-negative comment but this time Horny Chick does not fire back at the boo birds. Paula thinks Kris is likeable. Captain Jack thought it was indulgent and boring and the crowd is extra hard on him this week. Somebody in the crowd shouts out that Kris is hot and Captain Jack thinks the comment is about him. Both he and Big Sexy did not like the song choice. Big Sexy also claims that he lost Kris. Kris claims that he understands what Big Sexy was talking about even though he lost me. Trained Seal takes a precious moment to tell Captain Jack that his critique was self-indulgent and to trade some sexual banter.

Lil Rounds – “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” by Tina Turner: Lil’s mom clears up her name choice. She claims that Lil was named after her grandmother Lilly and that it is her real name. Once again this week Lil comes out with a hair-do resembling the artist she is imitating, though instead of the wild hair-do that Tina had in the mid-80’s Lil has chosen the 60’s version that Tina wore when she was hanging out with Ike. She does have an 80’s style Tina dress on though. Lil’s singing is more melodic than what she usually does, though she does work in some shouting. It was OK I guess, better than her usual work to date but it still sounded cruise ship-like. Definitely not the Mary J the judges have been begging for. Paula is visibly disappointed that Lil did not go outside the box and lead the band instead of letting the band leading her. She even utters the K-word. You know it is an ominous sign when Drunk Chick starts making sensible comments, and if I were Lil I would start packing my bags. Simon thought it was a copy-cat performance and that he has lost her. Maybe she is hiding with Kris. Captain Jack is again begging her to be more original, as all of the judges have been doing for the last month. Drunk Chick even claims that she said that. Randy agrees with both Paula and Simon and the crowd has stopped booing. Horny Chick is back pushing the artistry thing again and claims that Lil has proven that she is a singer but not an artist. Lil is not in a happy place as she listens to the judges bash her yet again, but she still tells Trained Seal that she is listening to the judges’ advice. Big Sexy calls her a liar but in a polite way. Lil also politely disagrees with Horny Chick and tells Ryan that she considers herself an artist and hopes America will give her yet another chance to prove it.

Anoop Desai – “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper: Coca-Cola treatment number 2 comes at the half hour mark before the first iTunes plug. They really must be in a hurry to keep Steve Jobs waiting like that. Trained Seal brings up the Tar Heels’ win last night to the UNC alum and then tries to start a fight between Anoop and Horny Chick. Proving he is a lover and not a fighter, Anoop quickly backs down and apologizes for acting like a spoiled child last week. He also claims that he is not really like that even though he is an only child, and then in his video Anoop tells us that he hates his picture taken because his parents did it so much because he was an only child. This is an interesting song choice, and right away Anoop makes it less interesting by changing the arrangement. It is for the better though, don’t get me wrong. At least he is not doing the R&B nonsense again and instead has chosen a ballad that he is honestly much better at doing. His singing is a bit pitchy in spots but he is generally in good voice, and there is no ‘tude or the shouting that typically accompanies it. His performance was not memorable but still good, best of the night so far. Big Sexy was happy that Anoop pulled it back and actually sang, even after pushing Anoop to turn it up for the last month or two. Kara liked Anoop’s soul and his originally. Paula thought it was flawless and beautiful. Captain Jack compares Anoop to a singing yo-yo; last week he was awful, this week he was good but not fantastic and the crowd boos. Captain Jack also tells Anoop that it is OK to be horrible to the judges since they can be horrible to him, and Horny Chick takes offense. Anoop doesn't seem to care one way or the other and Trained Seal does not have enough time to react. While Ryan was reading the phone number there was one tweener in the crowd who declared her love for Anoop instead of Kris. Anoop does not react to that either.

Scott McIntyre – “The Search Is Over” by Survivor: Scott wanted to be a train engineer when he was a kid, which reminds me of a crazy kid that I was friends with in fifth grade. He came to school every day with a train engineer’s cap on, the same type of cap we see Scott wearing in his baby photo. He (my friend, not Scott) was certifiably nuts, but he was cool to hang out with until he went insane when some other kids started touching his Space: 1999 action figures and was taken away to parts unknown. Now that really dates me. Scott and his mom brag about how Wonder Man used to stage eerie performances every Halloween that mesmerized the neighborhood kids. Even then it appears that Wonder Man had magical powers, kind of like Superboy. I wonder if Scott named his dog Krypto? Uh oh, Scott has taken Drunk Chick’s advice and ditched the piano in favor of a guitar that he is not even playing. The ballad part was OK but he lost the key when he went to the shouting part. At least the shouting reminded me of who originally sang this song. Scott works in a falsetto run that scares the audience into silence, so much so that they are not screaming for him as much as they usually do when the song is over. Horny Chick commends his bravery for picking a power ballad but thought it was so-so, OK in parts but too over ambitious in others. Drunk Chick is proud that Scott listened to her but then says that she was confused that he was playing an electric guitar instead of acoustic. Scott claims that he wanted to bring out his punk side. Now that is eerie. Paula gives him a bravo, but for the first time all season she actually says something negative, telling him that the high parts were verging on screeching. The crowd boos Captain Jack for criticizing Scott for listening to Drunk Chick, and then Simon and Scott debate about how whether “The Search Is Over” is a good song or not. Scott may have magical powers but even they are not strong enough to make this song good. Captain Jack even trashes the guitar playing even though I for one did not hear it. Big Sexy though it was all OK but not indicative of the best undiscovered talent in America. Scott responds by bragging about his versatility.

Allison Iraheta – “I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt: When Allison was a kid, about a year or two ago, her mom was afraid that her daughter talked too much, so much that she took Allison to the doctor so see if there was something wrong with her physically. Allison is the only 90’s baby still in the competition, which is why this is the first song that I don’t recognize. Thankfully Trained Seal helps me out this time by announcing the song title and the singer. Allison tones it way down from the rocker girl stuff that she has been doing, even with her hair-do and wardrobe. Now that I can hear her singing instead of screaming I can hear the vocal tones that made her my favorite in the semis. She has a knack for sounding like she cares about what she is singing. Her performance was not memorable but it was better than Anoop’s, or anyone else so far tonight. Paula loves Allison’s tenderness and gut-wrenching performance. Simon thought it was very good and the crowd cheers, Captain Jack then claims that Allison is not likable enough and needs a makeover, perhaps trying to explain why Allison keeps ending up in the bottom 3. Big Sexy name drops Kelly Clarkson without using her name and compares Allison to the original Idol. Horny Chick praises her for making an adult song sound young and is ready to make a record with her right now. And all this time I thought she only had eyes for the boys.

Matt Giraud – “Part Time Lover” by Stevie Wonder: Speaking of guys Horny Chick has eyes for, here comes Piano Man. Matthew was a constant singer as a kid and had a lead role in a church play when he was young. They show a video of his church performance and I am creeped out by the cult-like nature of it. Now I see this guy in a whole different light. I also no longer wonder how he ended up making a living playing a piano in a bar. Matt starts this fast R&B song very slowly and then quickly picks up the pace. I think he has done this with pretty much every song he has sung this season. He is in decent voice and tone, much better than he was last week, even throwing in a nice growl in lieu of shouting. Big Sexy thought vocally it was one of the best of the night, with emphasis on “vocally”. Horny Chick is in love again. Drunk Chick shouts “two words, standing O,” and I am impressed that she got the word count right and didn't have to make up any words to do it. Simon thought it was well done. Poor guy does a good performance but because the producers tried to cram 8 singers into 1 hour he only gets about 10 seconds on comments for the judges. Well, maybe that is not such a bad thing. It does mean less bad advice for Matt and less typing for me.

It is now 9 pm and Adam has not even shouted a note. Since Fringe is shown with “limited commercial interruptions” I guess this means the late local news will be a little bit shorter than usual tonight. You know Fox is not going to take the time out of the commercial blocks. Indeed this block seems longer than the others. Maybe it just seems that way because none of them features my girl Cheyennis. Trained Seal still manages to squeeze in an iTunes plug though.

Adam Lambert – “Mad World” by Tears for Fears: Both Adam and his normal looking parents talk about how he loved to dress up but was not into sports when he was a kid. Could they be any less subtle about Adam’s sexual preference without actually using the word “gay”? Broadway Boy starts it out slow and in the blue light like he did with the Elvis tune two weeks ago. He has lost the pompadour though. He makes it halfway through the song before taking a breath, perhaps because he keeps singing the same note. He does eventually get to the shouting, though it is more subdued than his usual scream fests. It was very, shall we say, theatrical. The vocals were good and the lack of shouting was great but to me it was kind of eerie. Captain Jack is the only judge who gets to make a comment and he gives Adam a standing ovation.

I managed to make it though the entire hour without having to stop the DVR once, maybe because this time I didn't bother to correct my spelling mistakes as I was typing. So if you caught a few typos in this recap I apologize, but because it means I get to go to bed early tonight I am not that sorry...

And now the continuation of Fringe. Viewer discretion is advised.

The Final Score: 16 shots at Captain Jack Simon; 13 shots at Trained Seal Ryan; 12 shots at Drunk Chick Paula; 10 shots at Horny Chick Kara; 10 shots at Big Sexy Randy; and 10 shots at the audience. 1 direct reference to a former Idol contestant and 7 references to other non-Idol performers despite only 1 name drop from the judges. Take a guess which judge did that. 4 lost contestants, 3 lost judges (including me but not Paula), 3 plugs of other shows, 2 quick Coca-Cola treatments, 2 tardy iTunes plugs, 2 standing O’s, 2 eerie performances when the contestants were kids, 1 eerie performance tonight, 1 K-word utterance from an unlikely source, 1 billionaire reference, 1 reference to a grammar school friend, 1 cartoon cat reference, 1 comment from a carny, 1 reference to a comic book character and his dog, 0 introductions, and 6 minutes of time taken from my late local news.

Your 3 Stars of the Night: This week the producers saved the best for last, and not just because the judges were not allowed to say much about their performances. Allison Iraheta, Matt Giraud, and Adam Lambert were all about equally as good, and Anoop Desai was not that far behind them.

Idol Gives Back: I was not completely surprised about the bottom 3 last week or that Megan Joy Corkrey was voted off. What did surprise me was how Megan went from the “great hope of American Idol” to “we are not even going to bother to talk about saving you” in only 4 weeks. Who did she piss off? Actually, I think I know the answer to that question, and I think you do too.

The Fearless Prediction: Kris Allen is still too likeable to go home now, so I suspect that he will not be in the bottom 3 this week. I think Anoop Desai did well enough to stick around another week. Scott McIntyre will probably end up in the bottom 3 because he chosen to listen to Drunk Chick’s advice. I have a nagging suspicion that Allison Iraheta will still end up here too even though she was one of the stars of tonight. Maybe Captain Jack is right about her likability after all. But my prediction is that Lil Rounds will be the one at the bottom of the vote total tomorrow night. The real question is whether or not Captain Jack will elect to save her or not, and they may be enough incentive to actually watch the results show. Well, maybe not.