Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show

The death march to the Nokia finale trudges further onward. This season has really become a marathon, not just for the contestants but for the audience too. So much so that the ratings are down for this season. Indeed, according to one report, Idol producers are polling various folks to see if there is anything that can make the show better. Since they haven’t called me yet I thought I would use this forum to offer a few suggestions.

1. Pull back the curtain. Let’s see the vote totals. Why keep them a secret? I cannot be the only one who suspects that the producers are manipulating the results, and if this is true then Idol is truly doomed. If they release the vote totals the producers can at least give the appearance that the results are legit.

2. Reduce the results show back to a half hour. Those phone-in segments, the Idol medleys, and all that other crap is one big turn-off. Announce the results, allow the mentor to sing, have some witty banter between Trained Seal and the judges, and we're done.

3. Ban the pros. One of the appeals of the show has been the discovery of undiscovered talent. That all went away when the producers pushed the pros on us. The producers wanted to show more of the contestants’ personality, only for us to discover that this group of pros has no personality. They would have been better off featuring the mentors again like they did last year.

I missed the opening because I was watching another show with more interesting personalities. I doubt I missed much.

Ryan thought that “we are still reeling” from Carly’s elimination. Others would prefer to use the word “reveling.” Randy sported a freshly grown playoff beard. Syesha sported a new hairstyle. Ryan actually mentioned that “model of longevity” Neil Diamond wrote “I’m A Believer” and starred in the crappy remake of “The Jazz Singer”. Each performer sang two songs tonight. To try and cram 10 songs into one hour the judges were not allowed to say anything until after the second song, depriving me of most of my source material. Thankfully, though, Paula bailed me out with a classic moment, even for her, after the first round of performances.

Jason Castro, “Forever in Blue Jeans”: Jason confused the words between his two songs during his time with The Neil. I guess what they say about how pot kills brain cells is true after all. After drifting into uncharted waters the last couple of weeks Quiet Man went back to the pleasant little ditties that got him this far, along with the dreads and the blue eyes. He was still pitchy in spots, but he appeared much more comfortable than he has been in some time. It was adequate though nothing special. Even though the judges are not allowed to say anything the director still gave us a camera shot of the infamous trio. Simon looks like he’s sleeping. Hopefully Ryan will remember to wake him up after the second song.

David Cook, “I’m Alive”: Rocker Dude was Coca-Cola Interview #1 tonight. Ryan asked David how he prepared for this week. Instead of exposing himself as a copy-cat yet again Rocker Dude quickly returned the question back to Trained Seal. Ryan responded by going off on a rambling talk about singing with a brush microphone and riding on the back of a station wagon with seats facing the rear. The first car I ever owned was one of those wagons (ah yes, the Malibu Mauler) but because the radio only got AM stations I never sang a Neil Diamond song while driving it. David never did answer Ryan’s question. Neil pointed out that Rocker Dude picked two songs that few people have heard of. For song number one Rocker Dude brought back his guitar. I wonder if he has a name for it like I did for my first car. Actually, I think I have heard this song before. David dug down with the gravel voice tonight, like The Neil used to do when he played at The Greek back in the day, and actually managed to make it through for only a minimal amount of shouting. It was alright, though to me it sounded like Rocker Dude sang the whole song in just one chord.

Brooke White, “I’m A Believer” (with a guitar): Brooke wanted to know if The Neil was hugger or a hand shaker before she got close. Neil revealed that he swings both ways in that regard. Remember how last week I wondered if anyone would choose 3 of Neil's goofiest songs? Much to my delight Snow White chose 2 of the 3. Brooke began the song in a happy, cheery mood but she sang this Monkee number in a really odd key. Snow White’s smile faded by the second verse, replaced with the deer in the headlights look that she has perfected this season. She perhaps realized what she just got herself into. This ain't no charity show, girl, and you ain't no D-list celebrity, at least not yet. It was uncomfortable, though not as much as her performance last week was. The happy smile returned at the end of the song, perhaps because Brooke knew that the judges could not say anything until after the second number.

A member of the audience has a dad with a man crush on Ryan. I wonder if it is Wonder Boy’s sister.

David Archuleta, “Sweet Caroline”: Aw shucks, Neil considers David to be a prodigy. Wonder Boy dug out the prison T-shirt that he wore the first week when he forgot the words to a Beatles song. I've already forgotten which Beatles song he butchered. So it seems have the tweeners in the Peanut Gallery, who screeched whenever Wonder Boy sang a lyric about touching people. Like how would they know about that? Hell, how would David know about that? It was usual Wonder Boy material, nice enough to win Idol but unlikely to sell any records. He was in tune, stayed away from the low notes, and kept his eyes open most of the time.

Syesha Mercado, “Hello Again”: I thought for sure Yes In Her Name would choose the song Neil did with Barbra Streisand but she apparently decided to go with a different power ballad. It started out slow and I’m ready to search for an energy drink to keep me awake. Then, as is her custom, Syesha broke out some big notes at the chorus to wake everyone up and remind us that she is still in this competition. I don’t know, it was alright. I can’t find anything to criticize but it didn't wow me either. In other words a pretty typical Syesha performance.

Ryan pushed the judges for a quick opinion on Round 1. Randy thought Quiet Man was okay; Rocker Dude was “in the zone”; Snow White was “better than last week but still a little karaoke,” drawing a smirk from Brooke; Wonder Boy was “the bomb”, and Yes In Her Name was strong but not amazing. Paula was in a panic because she did not have time to ramble on until she finally decides what to say. Drunk Chick then commented on both of the songs that Jason sang, how she loved the first but felt empty about the second, until Randy delicately pointed out that Jason only sang one song. Paula went into shock; she seriously thought that Quiet Man sang two songs. For her sake I sure hope that she really was drunk and not just being herself. While Randy and Simon push Drunk Chick to name her favorite Paula told Rocker Dude that she was reading her notes about him and not Jason. So was it Rocker Dude who sang two songs then? Paula thought that David was fantastic, but was she talking about the first song or the second? Was she talking about Rocker Dude or Wonder Boy? Sadly we will never know the answer to either question because it was Captain Jack’s turn to speak. Jason was “forgettable;” David was “just above average;” Brooke was “a nightmare” to the disagreement of both Brooke and Paula, which was funny since Brooke usually likes to hear criticism and Paula as far as we know never did hear Brooke sing. To complete Simon’s cliché fest he declared that David was “amateurish” and Syesha was “old fashioned.” Simon would have likely used the word “karaoke” had not The Dawg beat him to it first.

Jason Castro, “September Morn”: I had my doubts about this song choice and Quiet Man quickly confirmed those fears. The Peanut Gallery immediately started waving their hands to a song with a very slow beat. Now that is amateurish. The first part of the song was alright since it was slow and light. The second half, which required a big vocal, was close to a train wreck. Randy was not impressed by the vocals. Paula thought he “took the same liberty with both songs now.” Wouldn't that be three songs? Drunk Chick has got me all confused now. Simon no longer recognizes Quiet Man. He’s the dude with the dreads man. Haven’t you been watching?

David Cook, “All I Really Need Is You”: Rocker Dude came back with the guitar for this song too, only this time it was unplugged. Unlike his first number I did not recognize this song. The band joined in with the second verse and it became a battle between the band and David to see who was louder. It wasn't Rocker Dude’s fault; the mix engineer probably set the balance for Quiet Man and then left to smoke a joint. I thought David sang it very well, the best performance of the night. It was definitely to his advantage to choose a song no one had heard before so then no one could compare Rocker Dude to anyone famous. Paula thought she was already looking at The American Idol, and David shows the false humility that Chris Daughtry showed when Paula said that to him two years ago. Simon actually liked this performance, the first one tonight I think.

Brooke White, “I Am, I Said” (with a piano): Even though the clock was getting close to 9 PM there was still time for the second Coca-Cola interview, once again demonstrating the Golden Rule, whoever has the gold makes the rules, Chef Ramsey be damned. To make sure there was no repeat of last week’s uncomfortable start Snow White wrote some of the lyrics on her hand. How she was able to read her hand while she was playing the piano is still a mystery to me. Brooke started out rushing the song as if she was in hurry to get it over with. Neil encouraged Brooke to substitute Arizona for New York in one of the lyrics, since that where Snow White was born and raised, to make the song more personal and less karaoke, but she neglected to change the lyric about “two shores.” Well, I guess the edge of the Colorado River technically counts as a shore. After being in such a hurry to get to the big voice chorus she again failed to belt it out. In no time flat the song was over and I honestly cannot remember anything about it except the two shore thing. Randy and Paula loved her vulnerability. Simon liked this song only because Brooke’s other one was so bad.

David Archuleta, “America”: Neil told us that David was uncertain how to end “America”, perhaps because it’s a song that people outside of his immediate family have actually heard of. I've noticed that Wonder Boy makes some odd faces when he sings. He is doing that again here and he is back closing his eyes again. As usual David was on point and pitch but it sounded rather cruise ship like to me. I think it was the song choice more than anything else. Randy of course loved it. The Dawg should make it official and just adopt this kid. Wonder Boy would probably love to get away from his Stage Dad and be an actual kid for once. Paula of course thought the opposite of me and declared it to be the perfect song choice. Simon thought it was clever because it ticked all of the boxes, just like Stage Dad planned it. The machine marches on.

Syesha Mercado, “Thank the Lord for the Night Time”: Syesha returned with an up-tempo theatrical number and was joined on stage by Melinda Doolittle’s back-up singers. Lots of smiling as usual but to be honest it wasn't all that inspiring, and honestly that is all I can think to say about this performance. Randy picked up on the theatre vibe. Paula rambled on for a while but said nothing that I can make fun of. Captain Jack declared that tonight was “the strangest show that I think we've ever done,” and both Randy and Paula agree. Syesha could not figure out why it was so strange. Simon then picked up on Randy’s comments and told Syesha that she is a very good actress/singer, which bought the smile back to Syesha's face. Not that she needs much prompting to do that. Simon then gave us all whiplash by declaring that Syesha could be in trouble after tonight. “Why?” Syesha asked hesitantly. Simon’s response: because there are only 5 contestants left. Makes sense to me.

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…Now piss off and go to your rooms!

The Final Score: 9 shots at Paula, mostly related to her acid trip like critique of Jason Castro. 9 shots at Simon, 4 shots at Randy, 4 shots at Ryan, 2 shots at the audience, and 5 shots at The Neil. 1 obligatory Chris Daughtry reference and 1 additional reference to a former Idol contestant. 5 Simon clichés, 3 ideas to improve the show, 3 references to other professional singers, 2 iTunes pimps, 2 Hell’s Kitchen references, 1 sleeping judge, 1 reference to an old LA theatre, 1 Arizona shoreline, and 1 reference back to my first car.

Your Three Stars of the Night: The Davids again showed why they are the front runners to win this race. The rest were either forgettable or regrettable.

The Fearless Prediction: Contrary to what Simon might think, I suspect that Syesha may in fact be safe, though I wouldn't rule out her being in the Bottom 2 again. Brooke is starting to get on my nerves but I still think she’ll last another week. We are all starting to see the limitations of Jason Castro’s ability, and it is that limitation that will send Quiet Man home tomorrow night.