Don't Cry For Me Archuleta

It’s going to be even more difficult for me to devote all of my attention to tonight’s Idol broadcast because the Sharks are playing in Game 7 of their series against Calgary. I considering just taping Idol and waiting for the game to end before watching, but then I would be up until about 2 am with this write-up and I need my beauty sleep. So I will again do my best to slug through both here tonight.

I’m wondering if there will be a rock night this year. We've already had the obligatory country night, the obligatory tailor to a big name star night, and tonight is the obligatory Broadway show tune night, so when do we get to hear songs that I actually listen to? Perhaps they are waiting for the preordained week when David Cook is eliminated.

Ryan played up the challenge of singing Andrew Lloyd Webber songs as we start tonight’s show. A challenge to keep from laughing while singing maybe. Perhaps because it is Earth Day, Ryan proudly declared that Idol will do its part for global warming by using green power at the finale, perhaps by having all those voted off beforehand run on hamster wheels backstage while Wonder Boy warbles through the sappy winning entry from the song writing competition. The band was brought down from the rafters to try and intimidate the contestants. There was a shot of the peanut gallery down front and there was not a single boy in the crowd. Andrew Lloyd Webber, the composer of the most important musicals of our time according to Trained Seal, was actually in the audience tonight, a first for a mentor I think. Randy joined the call to play up the difficulty of the songs. Paula, sounding like she has either a cold or a nasty hangover, actually admited that only some of the contestants are doing well.

Syesha Mercado, “One Rock and Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express: I saw this musical in Vegas and couldn't believe I spent so much money for my ticket. It can’t be good for Yes In Her Name to go first after being in the Bottom 3 last week, but then at this point I can say that about anybody unless Wonder Boy leads off. In her video Syesha tells us that she is looking forward to being theatrical. Now there is a surprise. Was that an engagement ring on her finger? Syesha flirted with the band and vamped around the stage while belting out the song. She sang it pretty well and with some nice flavor. It was actually more like a song and less like the vocal exercise that she usually does. Randy was surprised that Broadway songs were Syesha's thing. I’m not sure why, she's only a professional actress. The Dawg is right though, Yes In Her Name does have a future in musical theater. Simon thought it was sexy and showed lots of personality, whose personality I’m not sure. I thought for sure it would be Paula who would say that Syesha revealed her personality but instead she insisted on commenting about the band leader’s moves.

Jason Castro, “Memory” from Cats: Quiet Man works the Coca-Cola interview with a suit and revealed that he was nervous about singing a show tune. Webber was jolted by the sight of a man in dreads singing this song, as opposed to a woman dressed like a cat singing it. Jason had no idea a cat sang this song and is even more scared to sing it now. Quiet Man struggled with the low notes early then tried to rush the second verse in a hurry to get this over with. He then went all emoting with Verse 3, but he did hit more of the notes than Verses 1 and 2. It wasn't great, but it was not the train wreck he probably feared it would be. Randy begged to differ though, and called it a train wreck right after I typed in the previous sentence. Paula thought that the song was not who Jason was, but that it was still a wise song choice because it allowed Jason to put his own spin on it. If any of you who watched the show can tell me how Quiet Man accomplished this please let me know. Drunk Chick thought the song came off, seriously, like Joe Cocker's “You Are So Beautiful”. Her words, not mine. Randy looked into Paula’s glass and Simon looked for an exit. Captain Jack thought it came off as forced, which Randy agreed with but the rest of the audience and Paula dismissed as utter nonsense.

Brooke White, “You Must Love Me” from Evita (the movie): Webber had this to say about Snow White: “I don’t think that girl had a clue about what she was singing about.” That’s the Idol quote of the year so far, so how I can make fun of him after that? This quote is just a step ahead of Paula’s two word description of the dude’s performance in Top 16 week, “phe” and “nominal.” Webber implored Brooke to remember that Evita was dying when she sang this song. Two lines in and apparently Snow White took Webber's advice too seriously, as she abruptly stopped and asked the band to start the song over. Sadly it didn't sound any different the second time through. After the first stanza it’s clear that this song was way too big for Brooke’s little Natalie Merchant voice. Like Jason, she too resorted to emoting to make up for the lack of power in her voice. When it finally ended Brooke turned in a decent performance of what was clearly a really poor song choice. Snow White looked ready to run and hide rather than face the judges. Randy was critical but sensitive. Paula was speechless as the audience went eerily quiet, perhaps in anticipation that Drunk Chick might actually say something critical. Paula lived up to the build up and then some by emphatically telling Brooke that she can never stop and then restart a song. Following that shocker Paula slowly forces out a compliment about Brooke’s emoting. Simon loved the drama at the start but found the rest uncomfortable. I’m not sure if Captain Jack was talking about Brooke’s performance or Paula’s critique. Snow White admited to Ryan that she stopped and restarted because she lost the lyric, “the first time I've done that on this show,” she claimed. Now wait a minute, I know that she did the stop and start thing once before. Simon and Randy contradicted Paula and said that Brooke did the right thing by starting and stopping, and again Paula tries to backtrack on her criticism when someone called her on it.

The Sharks got 4 goals in a row in the second period and I’m considering recapping that instead.

David Archuleta, “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera: Wonder Boy was joined by a group of tweener chicks who stormed the stage during his Coca-Cola interview. David sang a song done by a female diva, which took a long time for Webber to get used to. And this is a guy who writes musicals that feature cats and trains who sing. Even though Webber finally came around to accepting Wonder Boy singing a chick song he couldn’t get over David closing his eyes while he sings. You know, I hadn't noticed that until now but Webber is right. This time Wonder Boy picked a song that had no low notes at the start and consequently he started out strong. The peanut gallery fell all over themselves in ecstasy. He too milked out some fake emotion but at least he didn't using it to cover up shaky singing. It was pretty good, so it’s hard to criticize him or the judges fawning over him after this one. Randy admired the Stevie riffs, which I must have missed. Paula admired the risk that David took with a “known theatrical song.” Isn't everyone tonight doing that, Paula? OK, I lied about criticizing the judges’ fawning. Simon thought it was pleasant, forgettable, and weak. The tweener chicks have to be restrained from storming the judge’s table.

Carly Smithson, “Jesus Christ Superstar”: I was trying to think the other day of the name of an Andrew Lloyd Webber song, and this was the only one I could think of. I didn't think, though, that anyone would actually sing this politically incorrect tune. Ringer Girl admits it wasn't her first choice but that Webber shot that one down after 2 verses. She started out strong and with a smile at the appropriate time for a change. She kind of butchered the lyrics in the chorus but still kept her spirits high. All in all, it was a solid performance, better than she’s done the last several weeks. It’s about time she loosened up a bit. I don’t think there has been a tenser contestant in the history of this show. Paula proclaimed that she didn't expect this. Neither did I sweetheart. Simon thought it was great and Carly can’t believe it, until she reveals a t-shirt that says “Simon Loves Me (this week).” How long has she been waiting to pull that out?

David Cook, “Music of the Night” from Phantom of the Opera: This song is way out of Rocker Dude’s element so this could be interesting. David told us in his intro, though, that he grew up doing musical theater. I wonder whose bio he copied that line from. Webber revealed that this is the sexiest song he’s ever written, and tried to get David in the mood by having him pretend that Webber is a 17 year old girl. Despite the scary visual, David starts out alright, in tune at least, even with the low notes. I had my doubts about Rocker Dude’s musical theater claim but he may have proved me wrong. It was pretty good, and for the first time he did a song that I could not imagine Chris Daughtry singing. Ryan starts to sing David’s phone number but thankfully stops after one line.

The judges all hide behind phantom masks as they say good night and I switch to the Sharks game.

And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…

The Final Score: 12 shots at Paula, 4 shots at Simon, 5 shots at Randy, 4 shots at Ryan, and 6 shots at Andrew Lloyd Webber. 1 Chris Daughtry reference and that’s it for former Idol contestants. 5 Sharks goals, 3 Calgary goals, 2 Sharks wins when going up against American Idol, 2 iTunes pimps, 3 references to other singers, 2 accusations that the Idol producers are fixing the results, 2 criticisms by Paula, 1 potential engagement, 1 scary visual, and 1 classic Idol quote.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Cook was the best of the night. David Archuleta was better than usual. Syesha Mercado discovered a potential career in musical theater. Kudos to Carly Smithson for actually relaxing on stage for once.

The Fearless Prediction: I’m only going to pick two tonight because it could any of the stars as the first of the Bottom 3 to be safe. That leaves Brooke and Jason as the Bottom 2. If the producers are determining the results then Jason is a goner, only because he’s a guy and it’s a guy’s turn to be voted off. If the audience is determining the results then Brooke is a goner because the chicks love Quiet Man and as uncomfortable as he was Jason was still better than Snow White. I want to think that there is still good in the world so I’m going to predict that Brooke White will be eliminated tomorrow night.