Goose Bump Fantasy

Unlike Ryan Seacrest, this is the week that I have looked forward to since Idol announced who the mentors this season would be. Unlike Dolly Parton, I have no qualms about taking shots at Mariah Carey. She’s tough, she’s from New Yawk and has been through rehab so I’m sure she can take whatever little ol' me can dish out. Since I found out today that there is a 99 percent chance a catastrophic earthquake is going to hit California in the next 30 years I need to get all the pleasure I can get. Hey, I guess there’s no need to worry about global warming now, is there?

(The sound you hear is The Armchair Idol Judge beating Mr. Old Blog back into the hole that he just tried to crawl out from. I thought I had deleted him for good months ago)

I will need to resist switching back and forth between American Idol and the Sharks playoff game. If you've read my archives from last season you’ll know that I’m almost as obsessed about Sharks playoff hockey as I am about Idol. But I know I have a job to do here so I will do my best to give Idol the attention that this year’s talent pool so richly deserves. Though the way the Sharks are playing right now (down 1-0 starting Period #2) I might not need to worry about dividing my attention after tonight.

“Each and every performance is nerve-racking,” our lovable host Ryan told us to start the show. I’m sure he’s talking about the contestants’ nerves but there are millions watching at home who might think slightly differently. Ryan then launches into a requiem for Poser Mate and how shocking his elimination was to everyone on the show. Me, I had a beer, and then I caught the flu. Hopefully the 3 are not related.

It amazes me how many #1 hits Mariah Carey has had, as much as Elvis and almost as many as The Beatles. Who is buying all of these records? I think I can recognize about 3 or 4 Mariah songs compared to dozens by The King and The Fab Four. How successful can Mariah be when she doesn't have a cool nickname? Even though Mariah can pay off the national debt and still have enough for a trip to Europe on today’s dollar she tells us that she is just Mary from the Block, a normal girl like the rest of us. Sure, singing notes that only dogs can hear sounds pretty normal to me.

Just so you all don’t think I’m being mean to Mariah I will say that she is a good singer and prettier than the average chick. I wouldn't kick her out of bed, even if she only had $30 million instead of $300 million.

Randy is looking for identity from the contestants tonight. Good luck with that search, Dawg. Paula is looking to Randy to make the criticisms since he produced most of these songs and because Paula still hasn't found her critical side.

David Archuleta, “Do You Believe”: Meeting Mariah scared the crap out of Wonder Boy. She assures David that anything that he does will be “real and authentic.” So maybe she hasn't been watching the show after all. Or perhaps she’s watching the show that Paula is watching instead of the one the rest of America is. Why does Wonder Boy still insist on singing songs in a low register that his wispy voice can’t handle? Just belt it out boy! David’s Stage Dad must have telepathically sent him the same message because he did just that with the chorus. The loud part is naturally good, he even adds a bit of falsetto for good measure, then just when I was ready to say that it was real and authentic he drops back down to the low register and missed some more notes. Will The Dawg ignore that like he has all season or actually acknowledge how pitchy David was for once? What do you think? Randy thought it was “the bomb”. Paula and Simon both thought it was very well done. Simon reminds us that he had a #1 hit in England with that song though not with who. I don’t know if it was real and authentic but Wonder Boy did not hurt himself with that performance.

Carly Smithson, “Without You”: Carly gets Coca-Cola interview number 1. She and Ryan talk about how sad she was when Poser Mate left. “It was really boring with him,” Ringer Girl claims. Ryan tries to get Carly to admit that none of the other contestants have personalities but she doesn't bite. Everyone else put your hands down. I didn't know that Mariah Carey covered this song, which is old enough for me to recognize. Half way in it’s probably Carly’s most subtle performance to date, which I think is a good thing for a change. She finally breaks out the big voice but this time it’s with a smile even though it’s a sad song. Ringer Girl still needs to work on when to look happy and when to look angry. Overall, though, I think she did alright. Better than she has for the last few weeks. Randy didn't think that Carly supported her low parts well. Perhaps she left the girdle at home this week. Funny, The Dawg never says that about Wonder Boy who has consistently been unsupporting his bottom all season. Paula picked up on the restraint at the beginning and I surprisingly agree. Simon thought it was too restrained and that she was overthinking everything, but unlike last week the audience boos Captain Jack. Music to Carly’s ears I’m sure. This was apparently the song Captain Jack has wanted Ringer Girl to sing all season and he was disappointed that it wasn't stunningly wonderful.

Syesha Mercado, “Vanishing”: If anyone would benefit from the mentoring of America’s #1 diva it would be American Idol’s #1 diva wannabe. Mariah is giving Syesha a lot of technical advice. Syesha apparently listened because she starts off the song with lots of vocal gymnastics, half of which appear to be out of place in a ballad, though perhaps not a Mariah ballad. When Yes In Her Name hits the chorus the gymnastics jump up from the mat to the high bar, and finally ends when Syesha milks the last word of the song (take a guess on what the word was) for about 30 seconds and about 30 different notes. I don’t know about this one. It really wasn't much of a song but more of a warm-up to one. She hit most of the notes she tried, though, and since it’s a Mariah song she deserves credit for that. Randy thought she did a “good job, all things considered.” NPR threatens to sue for copyright infringement. Paula thought the song choice was smart because few people have heard it before. Simon thought it was dangerous to pick a song no one had heard before but that it was technically good. “People loved it, it didn't matter that they knew it,” Paula chimes in from the bar. I rewound this twice on the DVR and I am still having a hard time grasping what Paula meant by that.

Ryan announces that Brooke and Kristy will dook it out after the break. My money is on the mixed martial arts chick.

Brooke White, “Hero”: Snow White gets the second Coca-Cola interview. Brooke was bummed to miss her sister’s wedding for her date with Mariah; instead a cardboard cutout took her place. No, that’s too easy. Hey, here’s a song that I've actually heard Mariah sing before. I was wondering if there would be one tonight. Mariah advises Brooke to be real too, a common theme so far. Snow White is back behind the ivories again. As usual her pitch is all over the place but it seems to be working well for her until she gets to the loud belting part, but even that part is OK, or OK for her. I thought she sang that song as well as she could given how weak her voice is. Randy was digging it until the sort-of loud belting part when his enthusiasm fell off. Paula lauds her authenticity again. Drunk Chick thought it was an “unplugged” version, which judging from Brooke’s reaction was probably not her intent. Paula then actually ventures into criticism when she told Snow White that it seemed like she was trying to speed up the song. She was doing us a favor, Paula, leave her alone. Simon thought it was like ordering a hamburger and getting only a bun. The audience jeers what I thought was a very creative criticism. I've never heard that one from Captain Jack before. Brooke looks totally befuddled while the judges argue whether or not the meat was in the bun and where the condiments were, maybe because Brooke hasn't eaten since February. From out of nowhere Paula shouts out how Ryan and Brooke look lovely together. Kristy, waiting in the wings to go next, probably needed a drink after hearing that.

Kristy Lee Cook, “Forever”: Another contestant trying another “unknown” Mariah song. The contestants appear to be hiding from Mariah's better known material. I wish they would have done that during the Beatles' weeks. Kristy gave Mariah goose bumps, something I have yet to experience this season. Kristy starts out low and immediately misses a run of notes. The piano player seems to be ignoring Colt 45 and played Chopsticks instead. She continues to butcher the low notes but does better with the big vocal chorus, just like everyone else tonight. She seems to be trying to force this song into something country but it doesn't want to go there. Even still, she could probably sell a few country recordings of this song, if only because country music listeners appear to be less finicky than most (Exhibit A, Bucky Covington). Randy thought there were some pitchy parts and Kristy shouts “wow” amidst boos from the audience. I couldn't tell if Colt 45 was surprised about Randy’s criticism or the audience’s reaction to it. Since it’s not Snow White I would guess the former. Paula lauds Kristy’s elaborate plan to conquer us all and then babbles on for about 10 minutes. Simon thought Colt 45 was whiny. “Oh come on” Paula says between shots.

Ryan pimps the iTunes while hanging in the audience with Ramiele Malubay and someone else's hat. To show how far Pinoy's Lullaby has fallen Ryan doesn't even bother to introduce her.

David Cook, “Always Be My Baby”: David promises to bring it outside the box, kind of what Kristy just tried to do but only better. Rocker Dude leaves the guitar to someone else and groaps the mic like Michael Johns used to. They show the Idol band and I think I recognize one of the violin players. I must admit, I really like the arrangement, maybe because everyone before him sang basically the same song the same way and his version actually dared to be different. Rocker Dude may be smug but he is at least distinctive. I actually came close to goose bumps this time. It was a little pitchy but still pretty good. Best of the night so far. Randy thought it was so good that he got off his seat and gave it a standing O, and he didn't fall through the floor either. Captain Jack starts his critique with “It was like coming out of karaoke hell,” which prompts the expected response, but then with Drunk Chick waving him on Simon eventually concludes his sentence with “into a breath of fresh air.” The audience immediately does a 180 and cheers. They are so quick to judge the judges. The nerve of them, that’s supposed to be my job.

Jason Castro, “I Wanna Cry”: The song title probably describes Quiet Man’s reaction when he heard he had to sing a Mariah song. It has the potential for one hell of a train wreck, especially since he’s the Closer tonight, so let’s see what Jason can possibly do with this. Jason starts all acoustic like Rocker Dude though he too leaves the guitar to someone else. The arrangement has an interesting, almost Latin, vibe to it. I've never heard this song before (naturally) but I would guess that this is not the way that Mariah originally recorded it. Quiet Man missed some notes early but it got better as it went along. Say, that wasn't half bad. Not great, but certainly not a train wreck. Kind of like Kellie Pickler's performance of “Bohemian Rhapsody” two seasons ago. Randy thought he was at a luau on the beach, which Simon has apparently never heard of. Paula wants to join Jason on the beach. Simon agrees with Paula, and the vision of Captain Jack and Quiet Man in an ocean side three way leaves Drunk Chick gasping for air as we leave the air.

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen…

The Final Score: 10 shots at Drunk Chick, 6 shots at Captain Jack, 6 shots at The Dawg, 5 shots at Your Lovable Host, 4 shots at the Peanut Gallery, and 9 shots at The Artist Without a Nickname. 1 Chris Daughtry reference and 5 other references to other former Idol contestants. 4 San Jose Sharks goals, 3 Calgary Flames goals, 2 goose bump moments (the fourth Sharks goal being the other, coming with 7 seconds left in the game), 2 iTunes pimps, 2 songs that I recognized, 2 Beatles references, 1 standing O, 1 hidden reference to Canadian comedy, 1 nod to NPR, 1 nod to the DVR, and a beer.

Your Three Stars of the Night: David Cook was as good as anyone has been thus far this season, though he still hasn't quite reached Daughtry level yet. I thought Carly Smithson was better than she has been recently, and Jason Castro's performance was nothing short of a miracle, albeit much quieter than the one the Sharks' pulled 20 minutes later.

The Fearless Prediction: Even though Wonder Boy wasn't one of my three stars there is no way he’s in the Bottom 3. I believe instead that there will be three chicks in the Bottom 3, which falls neatly into the boy-girl-boy-girl elimination sequence the producers have been following thus far this season. It will be one weepy Bottom 3 with both Syesha Mercado and Brooke White in it, and it wouldn't surprise me to see Carly Smithson on the stools also. However, I have a feeling that this may the week that we finally say farewell to Kristy Lee Cook. Wasn't it about this same point last year when Sanjaya Malakar was eliminated?

Post-Script: I checked Mariah Carey's bio online and she did have a nickname in high school, "Mirage", because she was hardly ever there. It is kind of lame nickname, though, not one that you would expect a singer with 18 #1 songs to proudly want to use.