When You Want a Diva Baby You Gotta Pay the Price

Google is claiming that this little web site has had over 10,000 page views in its entire history. A few of them were even real people instead of just bots. At least they seem like real people. It's not like I'm Manti Te'o or anything. That poor kid is going to be known for his fake girlfriend for the rest of his life.

OK, back to business, today's case is A Tale of Two Cities, San Antonio, Texas and Long Beach, California, whose auditions were featured on Wednesday night. Somehow Trained Seal managed to avoid name dropping Kelly Clarkson like he has every other time there has been a Texas audition. He made up for it by making a bunch of boat jokes during the Long Beach audition on board the Queen Mary.

The first contestant in San Antonio was a returning contestant who was cut at the end of Hollywood week last year but who Sole Survivor didn't remember until the contestant made a joke about how long Randy was sipping from his glass of Coke when deciding on his fate. Sole Survivor then pretended to remember and then enlightened us by claiming that "Coca Colas are good." When it comes to plugging the product Sole Survivor is a true pro, almost but not quite as good as Trained Seal, who was shown pulling up to the auditions in a white Ford vehicle.

Apparently Sole Survivor also forgot that one of last year's auditions was on an aircraft carrier, as while the fire alarm was going off on the Queen Mary Randy questioned whose idea it was to have the auditions on a boat. The fire alarm did lead to a rare Nigel Lythgoe sighting, as his back was seen telling Glitter Girl that she had to evacuate the room along with everybody else.

Both chicks were fashionably late to the Queen Mary auditions. Jaws was allegedly at the rehearsals for the AMAs, while Glitter Girl was stuck in traffic. Mariah arrived claiming that this kind of traffic doesn't happen in Manhattan. Perhaps she was referring to Manhattan, Kansas rather than NYC. I too get the them confused. Rather than being apologetic for stranding the dudes by themselves for a while Glitter Girl told them that "when you want a diva baby you gotta pay the price." Amen, darling, too bad Jaws wasn't there to demand that she get paid more than you.

The producers have cut back on showing the psychos during these auditions compared to previous seasons, but we had two nice and juicy ones tonight. Well, 3 actually. In San Antonio there were two brothers who were lousy but couldn't accept that truth when the judges told them no. Glitter Girl tried to make a technical argument about their singing but gave up after the dudes kept saying how mean she was being. Meanwhile Sole Survivor was trying to argue that the judges were trying to save these guys' lives by telling them no. In Long Beach there was a 16 year old girl with blue hair who acted all innocent until the start of her audition when she started screaming, jumping around the stage, and eventually running out the door shouting "you only live once." Her parents must have been proud. I wonder what this girl will think 20 years from now when she tells her blue haired children about her time on American Idol. The judges made jokes at this girl's expense after she left. Mr. Kidman got a shot in on Jaws since she was not there, saying "Nicki would have sent her to Hollywood."

Jaws did in fact beg and plead to put through Papa Peachez (yes that is his name), a quirky and lanky white boy who claimed he had a black woman trapped inside of him. Mr. Kidman said no, Glitter Girl gave a little yes (so much for the feud between the chicks), and Sole Survivor was initially a no but changed his mind after Jaws argued with him for 5 minutes.

This week's Sole Survivor field trip (sponsored by Ford I assume) was to the University of Arkansas to give a audition bib to a student there who was nominated online by her husband. The ceremony was in the university's football stadium with the stands only half full, which is unusual for an SEC school. Idol may still be popular in the South but it's still a distant second to football. The student got a Hollywood ticket even though it meant she and her husband would be separated for some time.

Mr. Kidman kept up his name dropping over/under by mentioning both Gavin DeGraw and Wynonna Judd. Hey, I heard that Ashley Judd is available again now that she's broken up with that "loser" Dario Franchetti. If you're reading this Ashley you know where to find me. I don't drive a fast car and I hate Kentucky basketball, but I'm sure we can still work something out.

Things We Learned Tonight: The age limit was raised from 27 to 29, given 2 more chances to rejects from past seasons. Jaws is a closet romantic and can be made speechless. Glitter Girl had nerve damage in her arm, has a little bit of soul in her, and digs Arkansas accents. The two chicks can actually sit next to each other and play nice. Mr. Kidman likes the "nickiname" "Urban". Sole Survivor is the captain of his ship, can get indigestion from hearing people sing, and thinks "Coca-Colas are good." Trained Seal found joy in the music sung on the streets of San Antonio and can see fake dead people.

Tonight's Sob Stories: From San Antonio, a single mom who was unemployed and had her baby at age 19. From Long Beach came two tales from veterans with sad stories about the medical profession. One was a Iraq War veteran who suffered a severe concussion from a IED attack and was told by his doctors that the drugs he needed to take for that would make him sterile, that is until his daughter was born. Another was a sailor who had a speech impediment because his doctor damaged nerves while removing the guy's tonsils. The impediment magically disappeared when he started singing though.

Long Beach also produced two stories of bullying, a 16 year old female student who was bullied in school after she sang on Maury Povich's show 4 years ago, and a 21 year old guy who was not quite a midget but still short and disproportionate. All 5 were sent to Hollywood. Sole Survivor also promised to come to the 16 year old's school and "regulate" her bullies.

The Final Score (audition edition): 49 tickets to Hollywood from Long Beach (Trained Seal didn't bother to say how many from San Antonio); 5 sob stories; 3 psychos; Sharks 3, Oilers 2 (correction from last night); 2 name drops from Mr. Kidman; 1 mention of a former Idol winner; 1 excerpt from a Glitter Girl song ("Make It Happen"); 1 shot across the bow from Mr. Kidman about Jaws, 0 cat fights between the chicks; 2 late divas; 1 Nigel Lythgoe sighting; 1 mention of a race car driver and his now ex-wife; 1 mention of a football player and his now fake girlfriend; 1 reference to a Dickens novel; and some more stupid skits forced on us by Trained Seal and the Idol producers.

Next week is Hollywood Week, which I traditionally take off since it's mostly about the contestants and less about the judges, and I feel more comfortable making fun of the judges than I do the contestants. Plus I hate Group Night and hope that my silence will convince Nigel and the other producers to stop doing that. Yeah right. If I see something interesting I'll post it here. If not then I'll be back for the infamous chair show and the live shows when the full recaps begin and my full nights of sleep end. Goodnight all!