Forget Singing, Let’s Just All Perform

Last night it was the first 10 chicks. Tonight’s it’s the first 10 dudes, though it was hard to use that description for all these guys. Trained Seal seemed a little extra pumped up during his intro while pumping up the crowd of 1,500 cougars. His voice was a little pitchy.

First up was Paul Jolley from a tiny town in Tennessee. This was the guy whose grandpa died just before his audition. Paul had a unique voice that is hard to describe. Perhaps it would be easier for me to describe it if he hadn’t picked such a bland song. Oops, my bad, it was one of Mr. Kidman’s songs. Keith was honored so I guess it was OK. Jaws thought he sounded stressed but complimented his theatrical eyes. That was perhaps Nicki’s tamest comment tonight. Sole Survivor gave him 3 YOs, name dropped Carrie Underwood and some guy named Gary (still counts though), and applauded the possibilities. Glitter Girl agreed with Randy but disagreed with “the other people on the panel.”

Next was Johnny Keyser, the eye candy who was dropped during last season’s Vegas shows. He claimed to have learned a lot from that and promised some blue eyed soul, so of course he sang a dull ballad in some strange blue eyed key. Mr. Kidman said it was good and effortless but looked strained while saying it. Jaws still wondered if Johnny had a boyfriend but was not impressed by his voice. Sole Survivor thought it was “kind of OK” and got booed by the cougars who so badly want to see Johnny boy in the voting rounds so that they could vote him the winner. Glitter Girl praised Johnny for “bringing the masculinity.” Trained Seal continued the theme by declaring that he was glad that “there’s finally some masculinity on this stage.” Oh there are so many places you can go with that comment…

As if it was destiny, right after the discussion on masculinity on stage there was Jda, the dude who dresses in drag and high heels. It looked like he forgot to shave before the show though. There’s only so much the make-up artists can, well, make up. Jda delighted the crowd by singing Adele’s “Rumor Has It” rather than some sappy ballad, then whipped them into a frenzy by groping on stage during the bridge and tossing off his/her jacket for the big finale. He/She actually sang that song pretty well. I suspect Adele would be quite amused. Too bad Jda has no shot of winning this competition. The judges weren’t quite sure what to make of Jda. Mr. Kidman thought the performance was right at home in Vegas but that he/she seemed more concerned about his/her performance than with the singing. You would think Jaws would be falling all over this performance but instead she said that it sounded like a “phone vocal,” whatever that means. But hey, she’s just keeping it real. Sole Survivor dropped an inadvertent YO and then claimed that it wasn’t original. Nicki was not pleased and started to argue with Randy about it. Oh how I wished for the days when Captain Jack and Drunk Chick would have these types of arguments while Randy just sat there and drank his Coke. Glitter Girl thought the whole thing was bizarre but admitted that she liked the vocal. Trained Seal name dropped Adam Lambert just because he could.

After that fun and games we went back to the sappy ballads with Kevin Harris, who was nicknamed ‘Butter” during his audition by Sole Survivor after Jaws used that term to describe his voice. It just occurred to me that the producers haven’t been pimping Nicki’s nicknames recently, even though there is a Twitter handle for them. Kevin chose the same sappy Bryan Adams song from that same sappy movie that at least one contestant chooses to sing every… single… season, and like most of the other times it’s been sung Kevin’s pitch was all over the place. Mr. Kidman loved Kevin’s crazy range but wasn’t too crazy with the embellishing runs he sang at the end, even though they weren’t that different from all the thousands of other Idol performers who have done the same thing, and not just to Bryan Adams’ songs. Jaws thought everything was perfect, and then was shell shocked when Sole Survivor channeled his inner Captain Jack and completely trashed the performance. He even used the K-word (karaoke for those of you new to this blog), which I never thought I would ever again type in one of these recaps. Perhaps thinking there was no need to banter with the contestant, Trained Seal instead tried to provoke further banter between Nicki and Randy because that’s ratings gold baby! And from what I hear Idol’s ratings need as much help as they can get. It would explain why there were about 50 promos for next week’s shows during tonight’s show, something they never had to do before.

I only remember Chris Watson from the auditions for all the big headbands he has been wearing. Chris chose “Dock of the Bay” because he could relate to the loneliness described in the song having been separated from his family for so long while on this show, but then he sang it Rod Stewart style, circa 1979. He gets points for being energetic, well maybe not since it’s supposed to be a song about loneliness. Well, alright, he gets half a point since he didn’t sing it like a ballad. Jaws thought that Chris was the prettiest man she has ever seen in her life, wanted to marry his vibrato, and was proud to be obsessed him because she heard his pain, soul, and struggle. I didn’t hear any of that. Randy didn’t either and got booed again. Glitter Girl could hear the pain though. It must be a girl thing.

From out of nowhere Devin Valez came next and saved the show by actually singing well. Best vocal performance of the night by far. It was in tune, on pitch, and enunciated well. It might have provoked a goose bump if it hadn’t been a ballad. Devin even threw in a verse in Español, which all the judges thought was amable.  None of their other comments were interesting or enlightening. Sole Survivor did toss out a YO though.

Elijah Liu is half Mexican, half Chinese, and all full of as much ladies’ man bravado that an 18 year old like him could muster. The problem was that his singing voice sounded like an 8 year old. It kind of reminded me of David Archuleta only without the loco stage dad. Mr. Kidman thought the vocal was a little shaky but that Elijah looked like a pop star. Jaws didn’t care about the song and instead talked about how she wanted to have Elijah’s babies and was not just ready now for stardom but was ready NOW. The look on Glitter Girl’s face throughout all this was just priceless. Sole Survivor was too stunned by Nicki’s comments to say much beyond a couple of wows. Glitter Girl liked that Elijah has an ethnic mix and name dropped New Edition.

The shy kid who’s no longer all that shy, Charlie Askew, got the first Coca-Cola Treatment of the season. He told Trained Seal about his preference for vintage clothes, the fashion advice he has been getting from Jda, and that he carries a golf club with him to get used to singing with a mic. It looked like a 6-iron. His rendition of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” looked and sounded really nervous to start, but then suddenly a switch was flipped when Charlie got to the slurring chorus and off he went. Jaws gave it a standing ovation as expected. Mr. Kidman doubted anyone left the room during this performance and wondered if Charlie was the love child of Freddie Mercury and someone from Woodstock. Sole Survivor uttered 4 YOs and didn’t know where he was any more. After he got booed for saying that it was “a bit stage school for me,” Randy finally saw the light and announced that we should “just forget singing; let’s just all perform.” Welcome to the light, Randolph.

Jimmy Smith was another white guy singing another bland country song with a guitar accompaniment. While he was singing I wondered if it was a Keith Urban song, and sure enough it was. Mr. Kidman was honored yet again. Jaws was bored and admitted that she was thinking about something else. Sole Survivor was bored too, the only time all night that he and Nicki agreed on a contestant, but still managed to name drop Robert Plant because Jimmy had curly blond hair. Glitter Girl bragged about how much she has fought for him.

Tonight’s closer was Curtis Finch, Jr., a gospel singer from St. Louis who chose a Luther song. Curtis is a heavier Joshua Ledet, complete with the odd facials and the occasional big note and falsetto. It was a good vocal though, much like Joshua also. Mr. Kidman bowed in respect and felt cleansed of most of his sins. Sole Survivor gave it a YO and thought it was “kinda dope but a little old fashioned.” The audience kinda booed. Glitter Girl couldn’t critique him and was again brought to tears. Jaws was done for the night.

The judges deliberated in a pit and emerged to announce that there was one split decision, which meant it was time for Andy Cap to wake up. When it was Paul’s turn Sole Survivor announced that he was the split decision. Jimmy criticized Paul’s performance but then recommended that he be sent through. So he went to the stools while I wondered which dude just got bumped out by Andy Cap. Judging from Jaws’ reaction I would guess it was Chris, especially since he was the next one sent home.

Things Were Learned Tonight: Mr. Kidman feels honored when contestants butcher his songs and thinks Idol is a “connection competition” rather than a singing competition. Trained Seal and both chick judges are craving masculinity. Jaws is in heat. Sole Survivor finally realized that Idol is not a singing competition. Emma Stone has a raspy voice because she screamed for 6 months straight when she was a baby. Andy Cap not only is still in the Idol cast but also has a speaking role. Johnny Keyser learned that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Your Three Stars of the Night: Devin Valez was muy bueno. Curtis Finch Jr. took us all to the church and reminded us that Joshua Ledet should have won last season instead of that white guy with a guitar. Jda was a fresh change of pace and will be sorely missed.

The Final Score (Vegas edition): 1 skirt; 7 ballads; 10 YOs from Sole Survivor; 1 mention of former Idol winner; 2 mentions of former Idol runners up; 1 mention of a former Idol third place finisher; 3 mentions of former Idol judges; 3 name drops by Sole Survivor, 1 by Glitter Girl, 1 by Mr. Kidman, and 1 by Trained Seal; 1 K-word mention; 1 Coca-Cola Treatment; 1 split decision; and 2 more chair segments. Jimmy, Kevin, Jda, Chris, and Johnny were all sent home. Curtis, Elijah, Paul, Charlie, and Devin joined the other chicks and moved on to the live shows.