You Better Sing Like Your Life Depends On It

With all the drama, dread, and intensity that Trained Seal could muster in his 60 second intro, we begin Hollywood Week and the "pursuit of the most sought after title in television history."  Though apparently the title of "Your Next American Idol" is not as prestigious as it used to be, as Hollywood Week this year was not at the Nokia Theater or the Pantages Theater or the Theater Formally Known as Kodak Theater where almost all of the past Hollywood week boot camps have been held. Instead it was in some nondescript church theater in the Valley somewhere. It looks about the size as the theater that my high school senior musical was performed in. Oh how the mighty have fallen. So instead of at the judge's mansion will this year's chair show be in the judge's garage?

Although... I'd be willing to bet that Glitter Girl's garage is much nicer than Sole Survivor's mansion.

This year along with the new judges there was a host of new changes to Hollywood Week, as announced by our favorite producer Nigel Lythgoe. First is that Nigel has made two on camera appearances in as many weeks when before he only emerged from the shadows on that goofy dance show that takes Idol's time slot in the summer. Another change is that the dudes and the chicks will have separate Hollywood Weeks through at least the top 40 and maybe (rumor has it) all the way to the live shows. Yes, I know what you're thinking; the producers are really desperate to have a chick win this year, and it means that there will be two "notorious" Group Nights instead of just one.

Nigel and company even changed Group Night by picking the groups rather than allowing the contestants to build up the drama by picking their groups themselves. So naturally the producers tried to manufacture drama by pairing up the gay guys with the country guys, putting all of the kids into one group, and sprinkling out all of the sob stories so we could hear about them all over again. One such group involved a guy who was in drag and an Army sergeant, who was so thrown off that he messed up his lines and was sent home.

The sergeant was only one of the few contestants though who forgot his lines and was dismissed. Most of the others advanced to the next round despite (or in a few cases because of) their humming. Do any of you remember that back when Captain Jack was in charge everyone who forgot their lyrics was summarily dismissed?

Among those who hummed along but stayed on the show was the guy from New York with the turban and his group, who so butchered a Maroon 5 song that Mr. Kidman thought Adam Levine was turning over in his grave even though he was still alive. Then when Sole Survivor declared the whole thing to be a train wreck who should jump in but little Miss Minaj, who couldn't believe Randy was saying all of these mean things about her "favorite group." She was convinced that they could all be stars because they still worked the crowd (all 50 of them) when they forgot their lyrics, "just like I do." I've never seen Jaws perform live so I'll have to trust the fact that she can still work the crowd when she forgets the lyrics to her own songs.

Earlier in the show there was a little manufactured chick tension when Jaws interrupted one of Glitter Girl's critiques to make sure that the contestant knew just how disgusted she (Jaws) was by the way this dude sang a Whitney song. He got put through anyway. Jaws almost gave another contestant a heart attack by telling him he was done and then telling him he was through, all because he had told her that he was tired.

Seriously, the press and Trained Seal love to play up a feud between Jaws and Glitter Girl, but really Nicki's arguments have been with Sole Survivor more so than anyone else including Mariah. Perhaps Nigel thinks they can sell more Cokes and Fords if they can get Nicki to fight with Mariah rather than with Randy.

Things We Learned Tonight: Not much really. A contestant can forget his lyrics and still move on to the next round. Mr. Kidman heard "I'll Be There" while growing up in Australia even though 1 group who tried to sing it hadn't heard the song before. Keith also is in favor of "more mass slaughtering" and thinks "wrongest" is a word, that is after he checked with Jaws first. Jaws can also see greatness in dudes who forget their lyrics and likes to jack around with guys who are tired. Sole Survivor still gets no respect.

Sob Stories of the Night: No new ones to report. Those that were put through include the guy with nerve damage from his tonsillectomy, the stutterer from Chicago, the shy kid from Baton Rouge that Glitter Girl could relate to, and the short guy from Long Beach who is not a dwarf. Those who were sent packing included the guy whose wife had cancer, the guy whose parents are deaf, and the kid with cystic fibrosis. No word on what happened to former homeless guy from Charlotte. I think the guy who lost his home to Hurricane Katrina made it through, but I didn't bother to cross check any names. The dude who claimed he was injured in Iraq from an IED and was impotent from the post-op drugs was nowhere to be found, perhaps because it was discovered later that he made up the whole story. Really, what some people will do to win the most sought after prize in television history.

The Final Score (Hollywood Week Version): 43 Group Night survivors; 1 mention of a former Idol judge; 1 mention of a judge from The Voice; Honduras 2, USA 1; Mexico 0, Jamaica 0 (take your pick on which one is more shocking); another argument between Jaws and Sole Survivor; another Nigel Lythgoe sighting, and lots and lots of manufactured drama. It was Group Night after all.

And here I thought I would have nothing to write...