The Wonderful World of Utah

I thought I was feeling better after yesterday but this virus has a second kick to it like a bottle of cheap whiskey. Therefore, I will again endeavor to keep this recap somewhat brief. I still hope that I’ll be fully recovered by Hollywood Week, especially if it is anywhere near as good as the Idol producers have been promoting it.

Tonight’s auditions were in Salt Lake City, Utah, which as you might remember was the hometown of last season’s Wonder Boy David Archuleta. However, unlike earlier auditions in Phoenix and Kansas City that frequently featured Jordin Sparks and David Cook respectively, we only get a single glimpse of the wonder child, either because he didn't win last year or because Archie’s stage dad demanded a high appearance fee for his precious boy.

First up was another annoying squeaky clean boy, 29 year old David Osmond from Ogden, UT. Yes, he is a son of an Osmond, in this case Alan. David didn't inherit the Osmond teeth but he did inherit his Dad’s Multiple Sclerosis. He made a hard pitch for Sob Story of the Night but since he was an Osmond he had a tall hill to climb. He also inherited the Osmond singing gene, as he demonstrated with a decent version of Take 6’s “Something Within Me.” The judges were not all that impressed and told David that they weren't sure he could be a front man. I guess they were looking for someone cockier. From an Osmond? Get real. Of course since he was a featured ringer he got a ticket to Hollywood.

21 year old Tara Mathews claimed to be the only Goth in Salt Lake City and that she had ESP. Randy and Paula, being the bright ones that they are, asked Tara “what am I thinking?” Only Simon asked the obvious question: “Are you going to win this competition?” Tara stumbled on the answer and it was obvious from there how this was going to end. Even though she claimed she wasn't a depressed Goth she of course went off on a rant and flipped off the camera when she was rejected. It was a weak Psycho of the Night but in Salt Lake City that is the best that we got or perhaps could expect.

Chris Kirkham came with a friend in a pink bunny suit and, despite a decent vocal, had no chance to move on to Hollywood thanks to the bunny.

In between auditions Trained Seal chastised the crowd for being too nice and too thankful for being rejected. The Idol producers must have been annoyed that there weren't enough crazy rejects to highlight on the show. Frankie Johnson, a 24 year old mom from Hollywood, CA, wasn't one of those rejects. She instead got 4 yeses and a ticket back home.

After Frankie came another mom, 23 year old Megan Corkney from Sandy, UT. Megan laid it on thick with her story. She just got a divorce and was now a single mother of a 2 year old. Her stringy hair and full arm tattoo suggested something else about her past but I’m too nice and sick to speculate publicly. Instead I’ll just imply it so that only those who would see it as a joke will get it. Megan showed spots of good singing during her rendition of “Can’t Help Loving That Man of Mine” but it was not a stellar performance. Drunk Chick was in love though, and Captain Jack showed that he still has a thing for stringy blonds with a mysterious past and said yes, which convinced Randy and Kara to go along and give her a golden ticket.

17 year old Austin Sisneros from Riverton, UT, is the president of his high school’s senior class and he sounded like he just walked off the set of High School Musical, which Ryan told us is filmed in Salt Lake. Why am I not surprised? Austin was decent but bland, singing Train’s “When I Look to the Sky.” Sexual Chocolate was not happy with the song choice, which inspired Austin to try “Take a Village” by Ruffy. Randy did not appear to know who Ruffy was and I admit I am clueless on this too. It didn't matter, though; Austin was just as bland with the second song as he was with the first. Somehow he managed to get 4 yeses, though I would bet he won’t last long in Hollywood.

Jarrett Burns sang “Put Your Records On" well and got a golden ticket and 10 seconds of TV time. Why do I get the feeling that the group medley during Hollywood Week will be a Corinne Bailey Rae tune? There sure seems to be a lot of auditioners singing that song this year.

Taylor Vaifanua from Hurricane, UT reminded Sexual Chocolate of Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks. He claimed it was because Taylor was 16 like Jordin was. I betcha that it was really because Taylor was 5’-11” tall. I don’t remember how tall Jordin was but she was one tall drink of water as my old boss liked to say. Taylor is originally from Samoa (which makes her hometown highly ironic and perhaps sensible) and she claimed that her family moved to Utah so Taylor could pursue her dream as an entertainer. Taylor is not short on confidence. She sang a decent cover of the gospel tune “Joyful Joyful”. Horny Chick, who was sadly well behaved tonight, revealed that she cheated and heard Taylor warm up in the bathroom. That was the best that Kara did the whole show. I didn't detect even one sexual reference unless it was too subtle for me to catch in my reduced state. Taylor got 4 yeses and a ticket.

Our final contestant of the night continued to trend of featuring the Sob Story of the Night at the end. Tonight it was 17 year old orphan Rose Flech from Rathdrum, ID. Rose lost her dad at age 13 and lost her mom at age 15, and has been living with her best friend’s family ever since. Rose wore the same tawdry flower dress in both her intro videos and her audition. Apparently she can’t afford to buy shoes either, since we never saw her wear any in either her videos or the audition. To her credit, Rose was one of the few people who sang a song that I know, Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move.” She demonstrated only a limited range but with an interesting, Amanda Overmyer like tone (only without the “childe” and the scary hair-dos), except that it looked like Rose hadn't washed her hair in some time. None of the judges were crazy about the vocals but they were all won over by her charm and voted her to Hollywood. After all that build up (she was featured in the every tease before a commercial break) it would have been really sad had she been rejected.

12 golden tickets were distributed at this audition that resembled something out of The Stepford Wives. Everyone was nice, sweet, and utterly bland, even the judges. Tomorrow night the Idol producers stuff two auditions, New York and San Juan (that rumor has it really sucked) into one show. It promises to keep me busy. At least if I’m as bored with those auditions as I was to this one I can take solace that the season premiere of Hell’s Kitchen follows. I can always count on Chef Ramsey to keep me awake. If only he had a cure for the flu too.