Make Sure You Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair

Tonight America’s favorite program came from San Francisco, a city in sight of my house. The crowd gathered at the Cow Palace, just outside of San Francisco in Daly City. For you out-of-towners, that is the real name of the arena. It is the home of a yearly livestock show, the local National Rodeo stop, and is owned by the California Department of Food and Agriculture. If you really want to know more, and since you’re reading this blog I assume you do, check out the Wikipedia page on the Cow Palace right here.

While the stylin’ and profilin’ crowd, and one wedding party, gathered at the palace of bovines, the actual auditions in front of our favorite judges were held at a San Francisco rooftop ballroom. I think it was in the Top of the Mark at the Mark Hopkins hotel. Judging from the windows it was somewhere on Nob Hill anyway. Certainly better digs than the abandoned warehouse in Kansas City.

After the judges critiqued Trained Seal’s intro, our first contestant was Tatiana Nicole Del Toro from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Even though there were auditions in her hometown this season, apparently Tatiana couldn't wait to show her stuff. Her accent faded in and out as she sucked up to Ryan, and again when she told us all that a psychic friend of hers said that she would make the Top 12 and that she would “be the greatest artist you have ever seen.” Oh, this does not bode well. Tatiana presented a portfolio to the judges, including a picture that Simon thought was naughty. And she was not a blonde, so go figure. Tatiana belted out Aretha Franklin’s “Never Loved a Man” with big lungs but a slightly off tune voice. Captain Jack was not happy with the song choice, which distressed Tatiana to the point that she put her hands on her heart and suddenly broke into another song. Paula quickly said yes, perhaps only to get Tatiana to stop singing. Randy wavered like Drunk Chick usually does but finally said yes. Kara dug Tatiana’s vibe and sent her off to Hollywood. Even though she got a golden ticket, Tatiana still ranted and raved, claiming that she was better than everyone else in the room.

BTW, I’m writing this recap while watching a recording of Obama’s inauguration. So forgive me if this recap seems to stop and start. I must say that the bow on Aretha Franklin’s hat is the biggest that I've ever seen. I also wonder how Aretha feels about all these Idol wannabes butchering her songs.

And how apropos is it for Dick Chaney to live the vice presidency in a wheelchair. The resemblance to Dr. Strangelove is uncanny.

After a thankfully brief glimpse at a female William Hung impersonator our next contestant was Dean Anthony Bradford, a 27 year old former event coordinator from Pasadena, CA. He walked in with a coat that appeared to have been recycled from his grandma’s couch. He sang Simply Red’s “Stars” with lots of enthusiasm but not a lot of talent. As has become Sexual Chocolate’s custom during a reject’s audition, Randy started laughing while the dude was singing. Simon trashed not only the coat but also Dean’s hair color. Dean’s response, “the carpet matches the drapes,” almost got him a golden ticket, but alas it was 4 no’s for Dean. He told Ryan that he thought it was because of the coat. No dude, it was the stereo inside your throat. Before he left though, Kara wanted to know what was underneath the coat. You know, I think Vote for the Worst is right, Kara is one horny chick. So for now I’ll use Horny Chick as her nickname. The name goes well with the Drunk Chick sitting next to her.

Next up was 29 year old fleet manager Jesus Valenzuela from North Highlands, CA. I had to look up where it was (it’s a suburb of Sacramento). Jesus was a nice family man whose two sons Jesus Jr. and Gabriel pushed him to audition. His first song, which I could not identify, showed off a decent voice but he had no sense of rhythm. Simon was ready to send him off but the chicks asked for Jesus’ boys to come in. Any guesses as to what happens next? Randy can’t bring himself to say no with the boys in the room so he asked Jesus to sing another song. Jesus did a decent version of “Unchained Melody” that the boys both liked, but they were of course biased. Drunk Chick and Horny Chick both said yes (perhaps they are biased too), and with the pressure from both the girls and the boys Randy finally said yes and sent the Valenzuela’s to Hollywood. Even though he said no Simon still got a hug from Gabriel. Captain Jack is such a softie.

After a Simpson’s promo (Homer for Secretary of Nachos!) we were introduced to a very shy Dalton Powell from Manteca, CA. Dalton managed to solve a Rubik’s Cube in 24 seconds while Trained Seal tried to distract him by urging Dalton to show more energy. Dalton should have listened to Ryan, because his rendition of Smokey Robinson’s “Ohh Baby Baby” was so quiet that it was barely audible. The judges were stunned, stunned that the Idol producers put this dude through. He obviously wasn't good, and he wasn't interestingly bad either, so who thought he would be good for TV? It’s contestants like Dalton that has some folks screaming for fewer audition shows.

After the break there is the obligatory Summer of Love montage, followed by clips of brief verbal scrums between Horny Chick and Captain Jack. Now properly warmed up, the audience met up with Akilah Askew-Gholston from Latoya London’s hometown of Oakland, CA. Akilah came prepared like an Eagle Scout with charts and graphs documenting every vocal organ in her body. The contestants around her in the waiting room looked like they were trapped in physiology class. Akilah walked in and pronounced Kara’s name right, much to Horny Chick’s delight and perpetuating another developing theme for this season. Akilah’s tried her own composition “Make Sweet Love” and didn't quite get it right. Simon admired her “naughty face” but hated the song, so of course like other psycho contestants she broke into another song, Aretha’s “Natural Woman”. It started out okay but crashed and burned at the chorus. Thank goodness Aretha was busy at the inauguration when this aired. Not willing to give up, Akilah claimed that she sang from the “wrong rectum” and wanted to sing yet another song. Paula jumped up at the sound of the word “rectum” and tried to gently cajole Akilah to leave. Simon tried another approach to get Akilah out by deliberately mispronouncing her name. Akilah, or I guess Akela now, had none of it and instead stormed the desk to plead her case to Kara. Drunk Chick gave up and walked off the set. Horny Chick, though, was successful in escorting Akilah out the door. To cement her award as Psycho of the Night Akilah ranted to Ryan that she wasn't “on” and told the camera that the judges were trying to “iraqatate” me. No better way to earn the psycho award than to make up words while ranting about the judges.

Oh yeah, Randy was a no.

The show then quickly blew through three yeses, 27 year old music teacher John Twiford from Sherman Oaks, CA (doing a Stevie number), 16 year old Allison Iraheta from Los Angeles (doing a better version of “Natural Woman”), and 28 year old waitress Raquel Houghton from Los Angeles (belting out “Son of a Preacher Man”). Rachel looked and sounded suspiciously like a ringer, especially since she only got a few seconds of airtime as if the producers were trying to hide her from critics like me. She also bore a physical resemblance to Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba, who I found out in my research is a student at Catholic University and is a spokesperson for a get out the vote campaign. Glad to see she’s found good honest work.

Next up was Annie Murdock, a blonde hair blue eyed chick from Novato, CA. She announced that she was going to sing a Bonnie Raitt song but couldn't decide which one. She finally settled on “Summertime” and it wasn't pretty. The high note caused Kara to choke up her Coke. Horny Chick then stunned Annie by declaring her audition was overdone. Simon thought Annie drank a case of booze before coming in, leading Kara to ask for some. What a minute, Paula is supposed to be Drunk Chick. This new girl is making this really difficult for me.

Drunk Chick came to the forefront for our next contestant, musical actor Adam Lambert from Hollywood. Adam has acted in musical theater since the age of 10, and Paula pointed out that he’s been in Wicked for the last year and a half (now playing in San Francisco ironically). Adam belted out a loud version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Paula thought he was “awesome”. Horny Chick winked at Adam when he walked in and was also a quick yes. Captain Jack started going on about how Adam’s audition was too theatrical, but then Kara started pressuring him for a “yes” or “no”. You know, this chick might be alright after all. Adam told Paula that the first concert he attended, again at the age of 10 (a very busy 5th grade apparently), was one of hers. Dude, you got the gig, you don’t need to suck up until you get to the Kodak Theater. Drunk Chick also stated that Adam was “the best we've seen in every city.” Now, if you read this blog you’ll know that the first Idol auditions this year were in San Francisco, so Paula once again inadvertently broke kayfabe by revealing either a) the auditions in front of the judges were not on the same day as the crowd gathering or b) she really can see into the future after all.

Our final contestant of the night, and tonight’s Sob Story of the Night, was Kai Kalama from San Clemente, CA. Kai spends his days taking care of his Mom who suffered a seizure last year. He rendered a smooth rendition of The Platters’ “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” that sounded a little like Nat King Cole. Captain Jack wasn't impressed though, claiming he had a “ship singer’s personality”, though he liked Kai’s voice. The other judges agreed on both counts. Simon then returned the favor and pressured Kara to say “yes” or “no”, but sassy Horny Chick insisted on making her critique. “I will say what I want to say and I’ll say it now,” she told Simon. Paula warned Kara that she better get used to Simon’s interruptions. After all of that, Kai was given 4 yeses and a ticket to Hollywood.

In all only 12 golden tickets were given out in Babylon by the Bay, less than half those distributed in either Kansas City or Phoenix. Maybe that’s why this audition was chosen to be one of the one hour shows instead of the 2 hour marathons of last week.

And congrats to the new President Obama. Hard to believe 1.4 million people showed up to watch it in Washington, about 3.5 times the usual turnout but still much less than the usual Idol vote count, even last season. A few of them are even walking over the frozen reflecting pool in front of the Capitol. Don’t see things like that in San Francisco.