They Got Some Crazy Little Women There

Tonight’s auditions were from Kansas City, Missouri, home of last season’s champion David Cook and world famous barbecue. As expected, Rocker Dude was prominently featured at the start of the show, as if to suggest that it is possible that Kansas City residents might actually have talent. Hey, I wasn't the one that questioned what was wrong with Kansas.

Perhaps to put Cook in his place his retrospective video was accompanied by the famous Wilbert Harrison song. If you don’t know who Wilbert Harrison is then click on this. It is the official song of the city after all.

We began with Ryan greeting the contestants in the big arena, though apparently the judges were holed up in an abandoned downtown warehouse or something. A local ad agency must have been tipped off to the location because there was a big American Idol billboard just down the street from the audition home.

Our first contestant was Chelsea Marquardt, a varsity choir singer who didn't have much self-esteem when she walked into the audition. You could literally hear the nervousness in her voice, which only got worse when Randy started laughing at her. It all went downhill from there. The ever witty Simon, always trying to outdo himself when it comes to creative ways to say “you’re bad”, compared Chelsea’s performance to the sound a cat would make when it’s falling from the Empire State Building. Sexual Chocolate added an ambulance siren. Paula criticized Simon for being too negative, but when Captain Jack challenged Drunk Chick to say something positive about Chelsea’s performance she couldn't. Instead Paula continued to whine about how Simon wouldn’t let her talk.

Clarksburg, New Jersey’s Ashley Anderson chose to sing a Leona Lewis song (“Footprints in the Sand”) that was co-written by Captain Jack himself. Smart girl, this one. Her audition got off to a rough start when Simon caught her singing “footsteps” instead of “footprints”. So now we know which lyric Simon wrote. Once she got past that faux pas Ashley did a decent job with the song, decent enough to get 4 yeses anyway.

After another David Cook vignette featuring Rocker Dude with Chris Daughtry eye shadow on, we heard from Casey Carlson from Minneapolis, MN. Casey walked in with sort of a subdued Bjork looking outfit on, including a paper thin skirt. Her profession was listed as “Bubble Tea Maker”, which might explain the outfit. She warbles “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton with a bit of a country twang, though she struggled with her phrasing and breathing. Enough for me to notice anyway. Even so, Casey earned 4 yeses from the judges.

The next clip sequence featured folks in the crowd doing goofy things like back flips, skipping in a fairy outfit, throat slapping, and accordion playing. There were a lot of these video sequences tonight. The producers were really desperate to fill the 2 hours. Why don’t they make both theirs and my life easier and just have 1 hour audition shows?

Brian Hattler, a big ole’ 20 year old from Kansas City, claimed he was trained in opera but looked like he was trained to play the tuba. And I was a tuba player in high school so I know what I’m talking about. Brian sang Aretha’s “Think” sounding like Elvis on helium. That’s my description, not Simon’s. Captain Jack was too comatose to say anything. Randy started laughing from the first note. Brian listed in his bio that people compared him to Josh Groban, and then proved with a brief rendition of “You Raise Me Up” that he was just joshin'. The dude walked out completely stunned that he was turned away and didn't have the energy to go into a maniacal tirade. Don’t worry; another contestant gave us one later in the show. Instead we got a bunch of criers, including one who acted as if she was bending over her dead mother’s body.

The David Cook Show continued with Trained Seal chatting up Rocker Dude’s parents at a random Kansas City street corner. This was followed by a medley of 4 dude losers interspersed with witty comments from Simon.

Von Smith from Greenwood, MO, didn't promise to be much better when he walked in with a goofy looking hat. He stunned the judges with a big note to start “Over the Rainbow”. He kind of sounded like an older and less gaspy version of David Archuleta (just to keep the references to last season coming). Kara (you might remember her, the new girl), admired Von’s willingness to take a risk and voted yes. Maybe it was the hat. The other 3 judges agreed and sent him off with a golden ticket.

The next auditioner was Michael Castro from Rockwell, TX. If that last name is familiar to you, my faithful readers, you have reasons to think that way. Michael is Jason Castro’s brother, and Quiet Man was there to cheer his little bro on. Like his brother, Michael has a wacky hairdo, but instead of dreads he had a pink Mohawk. Maybe he thought dreads were too girly, judging by how he thinks about his brother. Michael sang “Love with a Girl” by Gavin Degrew, and sang with a better voice than Jason, but since we never got to see Quiet Man’s audition we’ll never know for sure. Kara admired Michael’s cajones and the mysterious secret he acted like he was hiding, and again the other 3 judges agreed and vote him to Hollywood.

After a dude who sang about a banana, we met 28 year old Matt Breitzke from Bixby, OK. Matt once had dreams of being a singer and spent several years in a bar band ala Taylor Hicks (who didn't compete in Season 7), only to give that up for a day job as a welder once his son was born. His song choice was Bill Withers’ “Ain't No Sunshine.” This is why I like older contestants. They choose songs that I know. He did OK with it, but not enough to impress Randy. Both the chicks dug it though, and it was left to Simon to decide the welder’s fate. Remember, this was the guy who said no to Hicks. He says yes to Matt though and I for one was glad to see after all the whackos that a normal guy got through.

Speaking of whackos, we next met Jasmine “Jazz” Joseph from Norfolk, NE. “Spazz” would have been a better nickname with her 10 color hairdo. She sang “Over the Rainbow”, likely not picking up the irony of her song choice. Sexual Chocolate behaved like he was in on the joke though. The judges were silent after the audition, as was Jazz, who walked out without saying a word.

Without announcement, the show theme changed from David Cook to The Wizard of Oz, as our next contestant was Jessica Paige Furney from Wamego, KS. Apparently the citizens of Wamego think that they are the true home of Dorothy and are not reluctant to share that with the rest of America. Another person not afraid to share was Jessica’s 93-year old grandmother, who showed all of America her “crazy pills.” Jessica sang Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby”, which with her light voice might not have been the best song choice. The judges still liked her natural voice though, and gave her a birthday present ticket to Hollywood.

We next met sisters Asia McClain and India Morrison, both from Kansas City. Except for their geographical names they appear to have little else in common. There was a prominent difference in their sizes, too. Take a guess which one was twice as large as the other. If you remember your geography it should be easy. The sisters started their audition by rapping a song about food that they dedicated to Sexual Chocolate. Then each of them sang individually. Asia wasn't so good, but India showed some promise and was voted to Hollywood. Asia was a good sport though, so good that Simon wished he had a sister like that.

Another pair who came together went next. First there was Jamar Rodgers, a bartender from Milwaukee, WI. Say, wasn’t David Cook a bartender? Jamar spun a different take on The 'Mamas and the Papas’ “California Dreamin’”. It reminded me of Chikezie Eeze from last season. Yes, now we have 3 themes going, 4 if you count them foreign words. The judges all thought Jamar was a bit over the top and loud but sent him through anyway.

After the break we met Jamar’s BFF, music teacher Danny Golke from Milwaukee. Danny made a bid for Sob Story of the Night by revealing that his wife died from a heart disorder 4 weeks before the auditions. He appeared in much bright spirits in front of the judges though, again inadvertently revealing to those looking for such things that the initial auditions and the ones in front of the judges are not held on the same day. Danny sang the Marvin Gaye version of “I Heard It through the Grapevine” and showed off a good soulful voice. All 4 judges were blown away. Randy went further and declared him one of the best they've seen. He got 4 yeses and learned the exploding fist pump from Sexual Chocolate.

The producers gave equal time to chick losers after featuring dude losers earlier in the evening. After all that we met Anoop Desai, a folklore student at the University of North Carolina. His specialty is in myths in Southern American culture, and his thesis was in barbecue. Yes, BBQ. Well, they are in Kansas City. Like oil rigger Michael Sarver last night he too sang Boyz 2 Men’s “Thank You” in a different way than the original. Randy was blown away by Anoop’s “crazy vocals.” Simon thought he looked like he just walked out of a meeting with Bill Gates and drew criticism from the other judges for his political incorrectness (Anoop appeared to be of Indian descent). Captain Jack joins the others in voting yes anyway.

Tonight’s Melody of Shame was Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered”, which has no known connection with Kansas City but was annoying nonetheless. We were also treated to another medley of gimmicks, including last night’s bikini girl.

Perhaps the best gimmick was Andrew Lang’s, who sent in two tone deaf cheerleaders to prep the judges for his arrival. Andrew by comparison was a clean-cut looking guy right out of an ice cream store. He sang The Temptations’ “My Girl” right out of a high school musical. The judges didn't call for an encore, drawing tears from the cheerleaders who seemed sadder about this than Andrew was. I felt sorry for the girls; didn't care about the dude. Drunk Chick again went into career advice mode and shouted “musical theater” at Andrew as he left. Waiting for him outside was Trained Seal and 10 more cheerleaders who also broke down in tears when they heard the news. I was amazed at how beat up everybody but Andrew was about his failure to score a ticket to Hollywood. Perhaps he’s loaded or something.

Next up was Asa Barnes, a 28 year old middle school band director. Simon declared his doubts about the song choice before Asa sang his first note. It wasn't perfect, but his rendition of Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” was decent. Simon was ready to say no when he asked Asa why he choose that song. When he replied “I like it,” Captain Jack agreed to say yes. The other judges said yes, for different reasons as usual, and Asa was off to Hollywood.

Self-proclaimed undiscovered star Michael Nicewonder from Grand Island, NE, brought his problems with his mother into the audition room. He sang an original song about his mother that was full of moans, groans, and other depressing themes. After Michael said that he had also written a song about his grandmother Simon asked him to sing it, and it was just as depressing as the first. He proudly showed off a vocal medal from grammar school, and it appears that it has been all downhill from there.

Dennis Brigham from Glen Carron, IL, had a dream about Simon the night before. He bounced around a lot to Chris Brown’s “With You”, perhaps mimicking his day job as a floor maintenance worker. The judges initially were lukewarm towards Dennis’ performance, which prompts him to beg for a chance. “I can sing, very, very, very, very, very good,” he told Randy. Maybe he can sing but his grammar needs some work. Randy finally succumbs to the pressure, along with both Paula and Kara. Simon was convinced that the other judges were duped into voting for Dennis.

Mia Conley from Kansas City slept in the waiting room most of the day until the producers finally woke her up for her audition. She took on the challenge of singing Minnie Ripleton's “Love You” with an attitude and it fell really flat. The judges did allow her to sing the famous high pitch scream that everyone knows the song for, but then quickly sent her packing. In the hallway Mia went off on the traditional rant about how wonderful a singer she is and how the judges made a mistake by saying no and that the world hasn't heard the last from her, the usual criteria to win the Psycho of the Night Award. To seal the deal she added a “God is gonna get you” damnation on the judges.

Our final contestant of the night was Lil Rounds from Memphis, TN. Yes, she claimed that was her real name. We learned that she and her family lost their apartment to a tornado last year, earning a tie with Danny Golke for Sob Story of the Night. She did a rushed but decent version of Stevie Wonder’s “All I Do” and showed a good stage presence. Simon thought Lil was “absolutely fantastic” and classy. Randy compared her to both Fantasia and Mary J. Blige, pretty high praise from Sexual Chocolate. The chicks were both equally impressed.

In the end, 26 golden tickets were given out in Kansas City, 1 short of the Phoenix auditions. Kansas City did earn Simon’s affections though. Tonight’s stars of the night included Ashley Anderson, Jason’s brother Michael Castro, India Morrison, Danny Golke, and Lil Rounds.

You know, this actually took longer to write than last night’s write-up. It takes time to come up with these snarky comments. I hear that next week’s shows are only an hour long. Thank you, Fox, you can forget all the bad things I've said about you.