A Rise From the Ashes, and a Few Other Things

Well, here we go again. The late nights typing these recaps, the heavy use of the DVR, the reduced hours at the gym, all for each of you who have sought out my recaps. It’s time for…American Idol!

We began with a recap of the previous 7 seasons, beginning with a quote from the sage David Foster, followed by the Simon and Paula kiss, famous contestants who didn't win like Chris Daughtry and Clay Aiken, the weird and the wild like William Hung and the Birdman, contestants who did win, and finally Ryan announcing the start of the show from the rim of the Grand Canyon.

The auditions began in Season 7 winner Jordin Sparks’ hometown Phoenix, where 10,000 wanna-be Idols turned out in 106 degree heat to get their faces on TV. Our first profiled auditioner was Tuan Nguyen from Spring Valley, CA. He claimed his mother is half-Vietnamese and half-Caucasian, though he looked like neither, spouting a Buckwheat on steroids hair-do. He tried to dance his way through Michael Jackson’s “The Way You Make Me Feel” but got nowhere with the judges, including new fourth judge Kara.

Next we had Emily Hughes, a strawberry and platinum blond from Los Angeles. She got a bunch of tattoos to avoid getting an office job, or so she claimed. Instead she’s the lead singer of a rock and roll band, whose members didn't know that she was auditioning for Idol. She did a dead-on impression of Ann Wilson while singing “Barracuda” and scored 4 yeses from the judges. Now she has to break it to her band that they have to cancel their European tour since she’s leaving them for American Idol.

Another self-proclaimed rock and roller, Randy Madden from Moorpark, CA, came in with an Alice Cooper look but without the attitude to match. He just wanted someone to tell him that he was great. Hey don’t we all. After a breezy rendition of Bonjovi's “Livin’ on a Prayer” he got no love from the judges. Simon thought his voice was wimpy and accused Madden of being a drama queen. Paula tried to urge him to consider joining a band. Simon questioned her advice by claiming that this was how Paula’s hit “Straight Up” was written. Drunk Chick tries to ignore Captain Jack but to no avail, as they start a muted argument during Kara’s review that ends with Paula flipping Simon the bird. I sure hope she doesn't get fired.

After the break we got a quick glimpse at Taylorsville, UT high school student J.B. Ahfua. The kid shows off a choir-like voice and earned 4 yeses from the judges and very little backtalk.

Then we heard from the very, very nervous Michael Gurr from Mesa, AZ. Michael tried to force out Carrie Underwood’s “Starts with Goodbye” but it sounded like Bette Davis singing jazz. Just try imagining that for a minute. It’s OK, I’ll wait. No one could understand a word he sang, so he tried again (with Paula’s urging) to sing one of Kara’s songs and still can’t sing an intelligible word. Four no’s of course. Michael caused a scare by collapsing from heat exhaustion after leaving the audition room, which of course led to Trained Seal teasing us with what happened, after the break.

Will Kunick from Garfield, NJ, butchered a Tears for Fears song. D.J. Bradley from Seattle, WA butchered a Celine Dion song. Shawn Vasquez from Oakland butchered a Dionne Warwick song and left the audience guessing what his/her gender was and why she/he had a Mohawk hair-do.

After them came the very enthusiastic Aundre Caraway from Phoenix, or “X-Ray” as his is known to his friends. No explanation was offered as to how he got his nickname. He warbled through his own composition titled “Cactus Baby”, which ended with a series of seal sounds that left both Randy and Kara speechless. His fancy moves and catchy name wasn't enough to convince the judges to say yes, so of course he keeps on singing, thinking that’ll change the judges’ mind. When will these contestants realize that this strategy never works, EVER. X-Ray was escorted out of the building.

The parade of enthusiasm continued with 16 year old Arianna Asfar from San Diego. She sang at a karaoke bar at age 6 and fell in love with performing right then and there. She also formed a program in San Diego, “Adopt A Grandfriend”, where she and other teens sing for senior citizens in rest homes. Captain Jack, not one to pass up a softball, implied that Drunk Chick will soon be in a rest home. Arianna rushed through Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On” but still had a nice voice and got 4 yeses to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, from Phoenix, had what may be the world’s deepest voice. Simon was already pessimistic even before Elijah sang his first note. Randy was anxious to hear him sing. As you might expect, Elijah sang a Barry White song, “My First, My Last, My Everything” but unlike Barry he had no rhythm at all. Paula, apparently studying for a job in career counseling since her contract is up after this season, suggested Elijah try voice-over work, and this time no one blinked.

With a pink cowboy outfit, a short skirt, a bubbly personality, and a binder full of 100 songs that she wrote herself, Leah Marie Golde from Connecticut by way of Los Angeles came bouncing in the room and set her eyes squarely on Kara, the object of her obsession, I mean admiration. She claimed her voice was a combination of Hilary Duff and Madonna, and proved it by showing off her abs. Rather than sing one of her own songs, she instead sang a supposed dance number called “Every Time We Touch”. It moved really slowly for a dance song. After the judges panned her performance, even Kara, she started to beg for acceptance thinking that the judges were “on the fence” about her. Yeah, right. Everyone except Drunk Chick picked up the similarity between Leah and the girl that stalked Paula, but fortunately for Kara Leah left without incident.

Another bubbly personality, Stevie Wright from Phelan, CA, followed Golde into the room. Her mother named her for Stevie Nicks, or so she claimed. She did a decent job with Etta James’ “At Last” and got a ticket to Hollywood. Simon advised her to be more selfish because she apparently wasn't arrogant enough.

Michael Sarver from Jasper, TX gave up the fifth most dangerous job in the world, an oil rig worker, to sing for Idol. The tough guy did a soft version of Boyz 2 Men’s “Thank You” and gets 4 yeses even though the judges had a hard time matching his voice with his look and his job.

After 90 minutes of teases, we got to see the bikini clad Katrina Darrell from Chino Hills, CA. She wore the tiny two piece to stand out and get a tan while waiting for the audition. She succeeded in both counts, though for some unknown reason her hair color also changed from dirty blond in the crowd shots to brunette in the audition room, I guess while she earned her tan. While waiting outside the audition room, Katrina told Ryan that she wanted to make out with him if she got a Hollywood ticket. The now confused Trained Seal claimed it was “against the rules.” She actually got a chance to sing and did a decent job of a song that wasn't identified, and the bugged-eyed Simon immediately said yes, followed quickly by Randy. Kara was not so impressed, though, and told Bikini Girl that she has no chops. Kara then attempted to demonstrate how someone with good chops sings that song, but Katrina claimed that Kara’s rendition “wasn't any better”, quickly seconded by both Simon and Randy. Paula came to Kara’s defense, but still said yes to send Katrina to Hollywood. Kara’s sarcastically recommended that she should come naked next time, again quickly seconded by Simon and Randy. The experience ended with Katrina and Ryan making out and jumping in the pool.

After learning how to pronounce Kara’s name, “Sexual Chocolate” Eric Thomas from Phoenix came in and did a nothing special rendition of a Stevie Wonder song and got rejected. Simon claimed Eric stole the nickname from Randy, which leads me to consider using that as Randy’s new nickname. I’ll try it out and see what happens. I’m still searching for one for Kara.

Cheerleader Brianna Quijada from Tempe, AZ barely made it through “Let’s Hear It for the Boy”. Simon thought the audition was bad but liked her personality. Paula wanted to hear “Killing Me Softly”, an appropriate title for this audition. Randy and Kara were a no, but Paula decided to say yes, leaving it to Simon to decide. Captain Jack surprised everyone by saying yes, and recommended that Brianna not sing “Killing Me Softly” any more.

Deanna Brown from Louisville, KY, came to the audition without a family or entourage, but still gets 4 yeses from the judges who liked her whiskey voice.

17 year old Cody Sheldon from Detroit, MI, came with a large posse including a “crying girl”. Everything seemed normal until Ryan revealed that Cody makes horror movies in his spare time. He even looked kind of creepy, but came out with a soft voice to sing James Morrison’s “Wonderful World”. Kara struggles to match the voice with the look but said yes anyway, as did the other judges.

We learned that Simon is asking all the contestants which 3 countries they think they will be popular in. The most creative answer comes from Alex Wagner-Trugman of Studio City, CA, who invented his own country “Akazia”. He learned how to sing in his bedroom closet, and spent so much time in that closet that he got sick from the mold. Of course homosexual innuendo abounds amongst the judges, though without Ryan in the room. Alex persuades Sexual Chocolate to sing the chorus of “Baby Come to Me” by James Ingram with him, and after being amazed by the Akazia answer Randy agreed. Randy was amazed that Alex sang in tune, while Simon thought it was awful. The chicks sided with Randy and voted Alex to Hollywood.

After the Melody of Shame, Bonjovi’s “Wanted: Dead or Alive”, we conclude with the Tearjerker of the Night, Scott Macintyre from Scottsdale, AZ. Scott has been legally blind since birth with only 2% vision. Despite that, he qualified for attendance at Arizona State University at age 14 and learned how to play piano without being able to see the keys. Scott does a church cantor’s take of Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes” and gets 4 slam-dunk yeses from the judges.

In the end, 27 people out of the 10,000 who showed up earned the golden tickets to Hollywood. Of those that the audience was allowed to see, the ones who stood out were rocker Emily Hughes, the choir boy J.B. Ahfua, bikini girl Katrina Darrell (though not for her singing), horror film maker Cody Sheldon, and Scott Macintyre.

Not too many slams tonight, but I’m a little rusty and it’s getting very late. See you tomorrow night with the auditions from Rocker Dude David Cook’s hometown of Kansas City.