The Greatest of All Time

This…was American Idol, tonight from Louisville, Kentucky. Tonight’s show was full of analogies about horse racing and baseball bats but not one mention of Mohammad Ali. Have these people have no sense of history? 11,000 people crowded into Freedom Hall to entertain some associate producers and other unseen forces. The select few were invited back to Churchill Downs to entertain and otherwise fill the straight man role for our 4 wacky judges. There was still no acknowledgement that Simon, Randy, Kara, and Paula don’t show up at the mass auditions, but this time the producers didn't even try all that hard to disguise it.



Tonight’s first contestant was 18 year old Tiffany Shedd from Cincinnati, OH. Her supporting but scary looking parents were there to support Tiffany’s shot at stardom. It’s Idol or college for Tiffany, and after hearing her screech through Mariah Carey’s “Hero” I hope her SAT scores were good. Simon strained for a horse racing analogy and the best he could come up with was to compare Tiffany to a donkey racing against 22 horses. Tiffany was not impressed. She later told her mom that she was better than all the other singers and that “they’re not looking for talent, they’re looking for nerds and freaks on that show.” Well, maybe just for the auditions. Tiffany had nice legs though, especially for the Psycho of the Night.



Next up was Joanna Pacitti, a 23 year old singer from Philadelphia now living in LA. My ringer sense went off about 5 seconds in, and sure enough Kara spilled the beans and revealed that Joanna recently had a record deal with A&M. She struggled through the low notes of Pat Benetar's “We Belong” but hit the high notes like a ringer should. Of course there were 4 yeses from the judges. To be honest, though, as much I would like to hate this girl I had a hard time doing so. She broke down into tears when she got the golden ticket and I actually thought they were real. This may have been the chick that producer Ken Warwick was referring to when he was talking about giving second chances to people damaged by the music biz.



After another round of horse racing analogies we were introduced to hard luck Mark Mudd, Jr. from Cox’s Creek, KY. Mark has been in 2 car accidents and, according to him, almost died 5 times. His bad luck runs in his family, as one of his ancestors was the doctor who treated John Wilkes Booth’s leg after Booth shot Lincoln. Dr. Mudd served 10 years in prison for this and gave birth to the derogatory phrase “your name is mud.” Captain Jack was on edge from the moment Mark walked in, mistaking Mark’s cell phone for a gun. Mark did an interesting version of George Jones’ “White Lightning” but it was clearly not a version that will score well with the judges or anyone who isn't tone deaf. Randy, Kara, and Paula were all laughing through the audition but neither Captain Jack nor Mark was in on the joke. Eventually Mark figured it out and left the stage, telling the judges to “be careful at whatever you do” as he walked away. Simon interpreted this comment to be a threat, perhaps in jest, but this time Drunk Chick didn't take it to be a joke. Paula chastised Mark for saying something that was “not a normal thing to say” and vowed to fly out of town that night, even though Trained Seal had already promised a second day of auditions. Well alright, perhaps given Paula’s history with a stalker I was perhaps too harsh, but it is so hard to hold back from commenting on anything that Drunk Chick says. In that light I should point out that with her tight bun hairdo and glasses Paula looked about 60. A young 60 though.



The kids in the audition room got even more rambunctious with the next contestant, travelling musician Brett Keith Smith from Blanchester, OH. Brett sang Bad Company’s “Can’t Get Enough” and did a decent job of it; though with his soft voice it was perhaps not the best song choice. Simon agreed with me on the song choice and thought it was a “bit buskerish”. This sent Paula off on a tizzy and me off to find a dictionary. For the second straight night there was another verbal skirmish between Horny Chick and Captain Jack where Kara demanded to be heard, Simon continued to butt in, and after Captain Jack took forever to say yes Horny Chick exploded with rage at Simon for taking so long to say yes. One difference though was that both Kara and Paula went under the table after Simon’s comments. The camera mysteriously turned away when the chicks went down together, leaving the rest to our imagination (Paula did say that Kara was one of her “friends” though). During this whole time Brett just stood there with a goofy look on his face, and was duly rewarded with a golden ticket and some suggested HLA.



BTW, here is the definition of busker, courtesy of Merriam-Webster: probably from Italian buscare to procure, gain, from Spanish buscar to look for, a person who entertains in a public place for donations.



Trained Seal switched from horse racing analogies to baseball bat ones. Then we had a quick parade of losers, including school gym worker Obianuju Omwurah who warbled like a goat (I would have like to have heard how her name is pronounced), a zebra dressed pizza server named Ryan Benningfield, and ice cream server Patrick Warner, who shook his considerable booty to the tune of “Billie Jean”.



Almost just a quickly we got a glimpse of Kalamazoo, MI’s Matt Giraud. Matt trained himself to play piano and makes a living in a piano bar. He had a whiskey tenor voice with good tone, which at first reminded me of Taylor Hicks. Simon thought he sounded like Elliott Yamin and I realized the error of my ways. Apparently desperate to find something critical to say, Captain Jack thought that Matt lacked confidence, but said yes along with the 3 others.



Day 1 of the Louisville auditions ended with Ross Plavic, a 26 year old math tutor from Crestview Hills, KY. Ross talked about how he learned to read Chinese characters using a method that completely lost me. He then declared that he learned how to sing the same way and I didn't liking his chances, especially after he started claiming that his throat was getting scratchy. He attempted an old song by an artist that I couldn't make out even after 3 rewinds of the DVR, but it sounded like a classic horror movie sound effect. Both Kara and Randy (yes, Randy was actually there) seemed to recognize the song and tried to sing along. After using the scratchy excuse on the judges Paula offered Ross a drink of water. Ross proceeded to suck up whatever was left in Drunk Chick’s glass, using her straw in the process and at the same time telling all of his academic accomplishments to Sexual Chocolate (he was on the Dean’s List 3 times!). Paula looked on in horror as Ross sucked up the rest of her cocktail and then broke into Elvis’ “Love Me Tender” before being sent off. To be honest, though, I can’t blame Drunk Chick for her reaction. I know how upset I get whenever someone uses my straw to drink the rest of my margarita.



Day 2 in Louelville (as the locals pronounce it) began with Randy dawning a bonnet and 21 year old Memphis resident Alexis Grace on the stage. Alexis had a baby girl at age 19 and named her Ryan in anticipation of having to suck up to Trained Seal at an Idol audition. The baby’s dad is in military school but he and Alexis are engaged so that dad could put away the shotgun. Alexis shouted Aretha’s “Doctor Feelgood” more or less in tune and turned Horny Chick on, even though as far as we know she doesn't swing that way. Instead Kara urged Alexis to have sex with her fiancée. Alexis worried that Horny Chick’s comment might air on TV. Remember, the fiancée is out of town at military school. Just because I've rarely mentioned him at all in this recap, I’ll mention that Randy told Alexis to “come out of your shell and surprise the world.”



The judges are ready for either bed or the bar (take a guess which ones want to go where) when in strolls shoutin’ Aaron Williamson from Louisville. Aaron was whooping it up like the love child of James Brown and Ric Flair all day long and brought that enthusiasm into the audition room. His first note of Creedance’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” flung Paula off of her chair. Soon everyone but Captain Jack was shouting along with the song, or at least a facsimile of one. The shouting made it all the way out to the hall, where Trained Seal started to worry that the judges were engaged in aggressive interrogation techniques and ran into the room. Not to worry, Ryan, the only torture that was taking place was inside Horny Chick’s private parts. All that shouting got Kara so worked up that she wanted sex right then and there, with anybody. She also broke her ring in the process. Drunk Chick and Sexual Chocolate were ready for a cold shower themselves. Even after getting all worked up, all the judges said no. Aaron was remarkably subdued after that.



Next up was 24 year old student Rebecca Garcia. A local news crew interviewed her in the waiting room and claimed that she was a Louisville local, only for the Idol production folks to identify her as being from Nashville, TN. While I've never seen the two towns together I’m sure that they are not the same city. She wore an armband with the lyrics to Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” just in case she forgot them in the heat of the moment, but the armband apparently didn't say how to sing that song in tune. Horny Chick noticed that Rebecca's bio said that she was voted Most Humorous at her high school (note sure if it was in Louisville or Nashville) and asked Rebecca if her audition was a joke. Uh oh, guess who just put her big foot in her big mouth (insert your favorite sex joke here; no way my humor can compete with your imagination on this one). Drunk Chick tried to console Rebecca as Horny Chick realized what it is like to be in one of those Southwest Airlines commercials and wanted to get away.



Next there were 4 rapid golden ticket winners: Kris Allen from Conway, AR; Felicia Barton from Virginia Beach, VA; Ryan Johnson from Cincinnati, OH; and Shera Lawrence from Bowling Green, KY. Each got about 5 seconds of air time so there’s no way I can comment on their performance or the judges’ comments, though they all had nice voices. Betcha they’re all ringers. I hate when the Idol producers do this because I have to keep starting and stopping the DVR so I can get everyone's information down on paper. This is one reason why it takes me so long to write these recaps.



Louisville’s final contestant was tonight’s Sob Story of the Night, 18 year old Leneshe Young from Cincinnati, OH. Leneshe’s mother is a single mom and the producers played up how poor Leneshe and her family have been. Laneshe had a model strut going on as she sashayed into the audition room. She did a good Beyonce’ like interpretation of her own composition “Natty”, and perhaps for the first time in Idol history (“Brothers Forever” not withstanding) an original song actually sounded like an actual song. All of the judges, even Captain Jack, were blown away and gave her 4 yeses, except for Drunk Chick who first said “no” and then quickly claimed it was just a joke after Laneshe’s heart started pumping again.



When we finally reached the finish line 19 Louisville contestants received golden tickets to Hollywood, less than Phoenix and Kansas City but more than San Francisco. The winner’s circle included ringer Joanna Pacitti, dueling piano player Matt Giraud, Kara’s dirty girl Alexis Grace, and shelter survivor Laneshe Young. See you next week from Jacksonville, Florida, where Trained Seal promised us that he would get lost.