To Sleep, Perchance to Dream - Ay, There's the Rub

Now that the confetti has been swept up, the red carpet rolled up, the winner fêted and the losers allowed to return home, let us step back into the wayback machine and review the season of American Idol just past.

I know, you can just look everything up in the archives, but I am going to save you the trouble but recapping it all here in this post. I have a special bonus at the end for those of you who have the courage and patience to make it that far (No, I’m not reposting “Brothers Forever” again).

The auditions this season were in Philadelphia, Dallas, Charleston, San Diego, Omaha, Miami, and Atlanta. San Diego produced the most Top 24 contestants, Charleston the least, but Omaha takes the top prize for bringing us Rocker Dude David Cook.

The Philadelphia auditions had the largest turnout of the 7. Brooke White and Kristy Lee Cook both came through these auditions, leading some to wonder if the same blond auditioned twice. We learned that Snow White had never seen an R-rated movie and Colt 45 trained horses and wrestled in cages in her spare time. Philadelphia also featured the possessed Alexis Cohen, Ben Haar (the guy wearing the Princess Leia bikini), Cristina Tolisano (the gal with the Princess Leia bagel hairdo), and James Lewis, the tour guide whose rendition of “Go Down Moses” invited comparisons to The Hulk and Frankenstein.

The Dallas auditions was all Kelly Clarkson all the time even though she didn't make an appearance. Top 24 finalists Alana Whitaker and eye candy/Britney imitator Kady Malloy came through this audition, as did fourth place finisher Jason Castro even though we didn't see him until the chair show. The highlight of the Dallas show, and perhaps the entire season, was Birdman Renaldo Lapuz and his tribute to Simon Cowell, “Brothers Forever”, a song that will live in Idol infamy along with William Hung’s “She Bangs”.

David Archuleta, Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, Chikezie Eeze, and David Hernandez all came through the San Diego auditions, as did Danny Noriega, who will probably enjoy the most successful and at the same time most notorious post-Idol career of any of this season’s contestants. The previous experience of Wonder Boy, Ringer Girl, and Poser Dude led to accusations that the producers were planting semi-professionals into the competition deliberately, a charge that haunted the show for the rest of the season.

The Charleston auditions went against the tradition of Idol winners coming from Dixie. Only Ellen DeGeneres look-alike Colton Berry made it from these auditions to the Top 24 and he was bounced after only 1 week. These auditions did feature 2 tons of fun Michelle and Jeffrey Lapkin; the proudly abstinent Amy Catherine Flynn; the attractive Air Force pilot Lindsey Goodman; Joshua Bosen, who claimed that the show was fake and rigged; and Oliver Hyman, who delayed his audition to see his wife give birth only to be rejected by the judges when he finally made it to the arena.

The Miami auditions brought us third place finisher Syesha Mercado, seventh place finisher Ramiele Malubay, and former Britney squeeze Robbie Carrico. Miami also featured Latin lover Ghaleb Emachah and teen prodigy Julie Dubela, who according to her virus tinged web site is a local legend in New England and could not believe that the judges would not give her a golden ticket.

Ryan’s hometown of Atlanta gave us The Rock and Roll Nurse Amanda Overmyer and two chicks who both had apostrophes in their names, had interesting family members, and just missed out on the Top 12: Alexandréa Lushington, who competed against Wonder Boy on Star Search and brought her 93 year old great-grandma to the audition; and Asia’h Epperson, whose father died as she was traveling to Atlanta for the audition. Atlanta also featured Miss South Florida Brooke Helvie and Josiah Leming, who lived in his car and became the star of Hollywood Week before being bounced from the competition.

Hollywood Week threw everyone for a loop. No groups of three, no common songs, no contestants locked together in a room waiting for the judges to give them the results. Instead it was an initial triage round, a do-or-die chorus line second round, and a final go or go home third round. It was here that the contestants were allowed to play instruments for the first time. Brooke White, Amanda Overmyer, and Josiah Leming were among the stars of Round One, along with David Hernandez, who stood out for the first time with “Love the One You’re With.” David Cook led a parade of contestants who sang Bryan Adams’ “I Do It for You.” Simon wanted to send Rocker Dude to the second round but was overruled by Randy and Paula, who gave him a pass to Round Three. 116 contestants out of the 164 who came to Hollywood ended up in the second round, where they stood on stage 10 at a time and were only given a few seconds to sing before being sentenced. From this group only Kristy Lee Cook made it to the Top 12. Round 3 featured David Archuleta acing Bryan Adams’ “Heaven”, a laryngitis stricken Syesha Mercado still managing to sing “Chain of Fools”, and Carly Smithson belting out Celine Dion’s “How Do I Get You Alone.” The highlight of the show, though, was Josiah Leming's meltdown. He couldn't get the Idol band to perform “Stand by Me” to the arrangement that he wanted to use, so he dismissed them and sang the song a-capella in front of the judges who promptly blasted him for his arrogance. Yes, even Paula.

It was at the chair show that we saw Jason Castro and Luke Menard for the first time. Neither of the final finalists, JoAnne Borgella or Colton Berry, made it past the next round. Randy almost caused Brooke White to have a heart attack by hinting that she was getting dismissed before telling her she was in the Top 24. Josiah Leming almost did have a heart attack after being told he was out. Paula asked Amanda Overmyer “is this the right place for you?” before saying she was in, then told Syesha Mercado that her fate was in her name, S-yes-ha. Totally unnoticed at the time was Simon’s word of advice for David Archuleta, “you need to spend more time with those below 18 to prep you for all the attention,” which in retrospect may be one of the quotes of the season.

Top 24 Week: The producers added another new wrinkle, theme weeks during the semis. This week was 60’s week and the contestants were given about 10 songs from the 60’s to choose from. Jason Castro showed off his quiet style for the first time. Ramiele Malubay stood out among the ladies. Half the chicks were stricken with the flu, or at least that was the excuse given for their performances. Brooke White and David Cook both sang “Happy Together” and Snow White sang it better than the eventual winner. Simon argued with Chikezie Eeze about clothing, got snapped at by Danny Noriega, and called Kady Malloy a pencil. All in a day’s work for Captain Jack Sparrow. Paula revealed that her first ballet recital was to “Moon River”. Colton Berry, Garrett Haley, Maxim model Amy Davis and JoAnne Borgella were all eliminated.

Top 20 Week: 70’s week was the theme and Wonder Boy was the star. David Archuleta sent the girls screaming with “Imagine” and established himself as the one to beat. Amanda Overmyer's Bride of Frankenstein hairdo scared small children. David Cook revealed that he is a “word nerd”, leading Simon to claim that he lacked charisma. Simon called Chikezie “Jacuzzi”, questioned Robbie Carrico's authenticity, and thought Brooke sang “You’re So Vain” as a tribute to him. Jason Yeager (we hardly knew ye), the un-authentic Robbie Carrico, Alexandréa Lushington, and Alana Whitaker were eliminated.

Top 16 Week: Songs from the 80’s began with Paula apologizing for popularizing the puffy hair-dos of the era and ended with Drunk Chick describing the dude’s performances in two words: “phe” and “nominal”, and to think at the time we all thought this would be Paula’s biggest brain cramp of the season. David Cook and Jason Castro established themselves with “Hello” and “Hallelujah” respectively. Ramiele Malubay and Danny Noriega subtly revealed their relationship, as she put purple highlights in her hair and he wore her glasses. Randy called Simon Mr. Happy and proceeded to beat that dead horse for 3 more shows. Simon predicted that David Archuleta would be in the final 2 and that Kristy Lee Cook would finish tenth. At least he got one right, though that seems rather suspicious to me. Eye candies Luke Menard and Kady Malloy were eliminated along with Asia’h Epperson and Danny Noriega, sending Ramiele into a nervous breakdown and putting the pressure on Amanda to make the Top 12 interesting.

Top 12 Week, “Songs from the Lennon/McCartney Songbook”: The benefit for Michael Jackson featured Chikezie turning “She’s A Woman” into a James Brown number, Carly Smithson turning “Come Together” into a Joan Jett number, David Cook turning “Eleanor Rigby” into a Chris Daughtry number, and Kristy Lee Cook turning “Eight Days A Week” into a Hee Haw number. Brooke was the only one to do a song straight, but her version of “Let It Be” put me to sleep. David Archuleta blew the lyrics for “We Can Work It Out” but The Dawg and Drunk Chick still loved him. Simon complimented Carly for the first time and told Cook that he might actually win if Idol were a talent competition. Before the show it was revealed by Vote for the Worst.com that David Hernandez worked as a stripper in an Atlanta nightclub and that, perhaps more than anything else, was why he was sent home. Syesha Mercado and Kristy Lee Cook joined him in the bottom 3, something both chicks would get used to as the finals wore on.

Top 11 Week, “Songs from The Beatles”: Since the Idol producers no doubt had to pay top dollar to Wacko Jacko for the singing rights we were subjected to a second week of Beatles music and it was not pretty. Syesha was the only one to do well, singing “Yesterday”. David Archuleta remembered all the words of “The Long and Winding Road” and Paula praised him for overcoming adversity. Captain Jack claimed that “Blackbird” was originally going to be called “Sparrow”, which gave me the inspiration for his nickname, and then criticized Carly for choosing that song. Ringer Girl’s rebuttal was that she saw herself as a broken bird. Jason learned French to sing “Michelle” and barely made it through the song before busting up in laughter. Drunk Chick brought down the house when she told Michael that he sounded better in rehearsal (hmmm…) and postulated that the reason his performance was off was because of the reverb in his earpiece, only for Poser Mate to reveal that he wasn't wearing an earpiece. Little did we know. Amanda was sent home and I worried that the rest of the season would be boring, one fearless prediction I actually got right. Kristy was back in the bottom 3, joined by a surprised, scared, and wounded Carly.

Top 10 Week, “Songs from Their Birth Year”: Everybody but Michael sang ballads and I had a hard time staying awake for the full 2 hours. Kristy Lee appealed to the patriotism of the audience and all but guaranteed a successful career in country music by singing “God Bless the USA”, the smartest song choice of the competition. Brooke did the first of her two stop and start overs with “Every Breath You Take”. David Cook did the rock version of “Billie Jean” and, unlike Daughtry, admitted that he used someone else’s arrangement. Simon questioned whether or not David Archuleta chose “You’re The Voice” and everyone wondered why. As I write this recap it occurs to me how many hidden messages there were in Captain Jack’s comments this season, especially the ones that he said to Wonder Boy. Chikezie listened to the advice of the Idol singing coach and got himself booted from the show. Syesha and Jason sat with Cheeky on the cold, hard stools reserved for the bottom 3.

Top 9 Week, “Songs by Dolly Parton”: Dolly Parton was the first mentor to appear on the show this season and I didn't make a single chest joke because that is so 80’s. Michael had his best performance of the season with “It’s So Wrong but It’s So Right“ and we found out he is a closet Dolly fan. Kristy Lee thought Ryan was hitting up on her when in fact Trained Seal was introducing Syesha. Yes In Her Name found a Dolly song that Whitney Houston did (“I Will Always Love You”) so of course that’s the one she sang. David Cook sang “Little Sparrow” and got Simon to rant about the little birds again. Paula went off on a lengthy rant about how critical both Randy and Simon were towards Carly. Ramiele was the only contestant shorter than Dolly and was so scared to sing in front of her and the rest of America that she was sent home. Kristy Lee made a return to the stools along with Brooke.

Top 8 Week, “Idol Gives Back/Inspirational Songs”: 8 performances of supposedly inspirational songs and not once was anyone inspired. Instead if you read my recap you would see that I was pissed instead. So was Randy, who argued with both Michael and Syesha about their song choices. Jason went Hawaiian with “Somewhere over the Rainbow” and drew raves. On the flip side Carly sang “The Show Must Go On” with an angry look on her face and got called out on it by Simon: “it came over… quite strangely, as an angry performance, which kind of felt out of kilter with the evening.” Indeed Captain Jack was on something of a roll this night, saying that Poser Mate was posing as a rock star, Yes In Her Name was hiding her true self, David Cook was pompous, David Archuleta was nasally, and Brooke was just pleasant. Paula just talked about her Chihuahuas. Michael thought “Dream On” was inspirational and was booted from the show after Ryan hinted that no one was being sent home. Ringer Girl was stunned, apparently thinking she was the one going home. Syesha joined the two ringers in the bottom three.

Top 7 Week, “Songs by Mariah Carey”: Finally there was a mentor that I could make fun of, though I was too distracted by the Sharks playoff game to pay too much attention to what Mariah was saying. David Cook was best of the night by a mile by taking “Always Be My Baby” outside the box and served notice that David Archuleta wasn't the shoo-in to win that we all first thought. Jason pulled off a miracle just be surviving. Syesha showed off her vocal chords by doing scales to the melody of “Vanishing”. Simon thought Brooke’s performance of “Hero” was like eating a hamburger without the meat, segueing into an endless argument amongst the judges about where the condiments were. A similar discussion took place after Randy thought Quiet Man’s performance was like being at a luau. Kristy’s amazing high wire act came to end on this night, ironically the same week that Sanjaya Malakar was eliminated last year. Syesha and Brooke joined her in the bottom 3, continuing the chicks’ dominance in that category.

Top 6 Week, “Songs by Andrew Lloyd Weber”: I couldn't criticize Weber’s comments very much because they were so good. He was the first to point out David Archuleta’s tendency to sing with his eyes closed. He also couldn't picture Jason singing a song he wrote for a singing cat and accused Brooke of not having a clue of what she was singing about when she performed “You Must Love Me”. Speaking of Snow White, this was the week that she stopped mid lyric and restarted the song, drawing an actual scolding from Paula. It took Drunk Chick about 5 minutes to work up the courage to say it though. David Cook revealed his hidden skills at musical theater with “Music of the Night”. Both Randy and Simon recommended Syesha go into musical theater after her performance of “One Rock And Roll Too Many” even though she ended up in the bottom 2. Carly finally had fun with “Jesus Christ Superstar”, finally got Simon to say something nice about her, and was subsequently sent packing.

Top 5 Week, “Songs by Neil Diamond” (aka Paula’s Futurama): This was the show that Paula gave us the number one highlight of the season and led Simon to declare that it was “the strangest show that I think we've ever done.” In case you were exploring Mars at the time, each of the contestants sang two of Neil’s songs but to save time for Chef Ramsey the judges were not allowed to comment until after the second song, that is until the producers called an audible and asked Ryan to ask the judges for their comments after the first round. Randy and Simon were both able to sum up their comments in short phrases but Paula was clearly caught off guard. After babbling for a while about Jason’s first song she started commenting on his second song even though he hadn't sung it yet. She was surprised to learn that Quiet Man had only sung one song. Some may be surprised if she returns as a judge next season. Drunk Chick tried to argue that she was really talking about David Cook, even though she was critical when she was talking about Jason’s future performance and thought Rocker Dude was “brilliant” and later called David “The next American Idol”. Subsequent explanations were equally confusing and she never did comment on the other contestants. As for the rest of the show (and yes, there was more to the show than just Paula’s acid trip), Brooke discovered that Neil was both a shaker and a hugger and Ryan revealed that he used to sing Neil Diamond songs from the rear facing seat of his family’s station wagon. Trained Seal came back at the results show to say how much we all love Paula and how the Internet rumors about her were untrue, leading millions to go online and see what the rumors were. Snow White lost her smile while singing “I'm A Believer”, perhaps realizing that she was doomed, and she was right.

Top 4 Week, “Songs from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame”: Syesha let it all hang out with “Proud Mary” and millions of men discovered that she has some nice gams. She came back with “A Change Is Gonna Come” and compared her experience on Idol with the Civil Rights Movement. Her tears afterward were blamed on Randy’s criticism even though it was Paula’s praise that caused them. David Archuleta inserted lyrics from another song into “Stand by Me” and as a result got his Stage Dad banned from the studio during rehearsals, then sent the sorority chicks stationed at the front of the stage into ecstasy with Elvis’ “Love Me Tender”. The best comments, though, were by and towards Jason, who butchered both “I Shot the Sheriff” and “Mr. Tambourine Man”. Captain Jack told Quiet Man to pack his bags after the Bob Dylan song and wondered what he was thinking when he chose the Bob Marley song. “I was thinking Bob Marley” was Jason’s snappy reply. Randy used the K-word after the first song and appeared ready to slug him after the second. Even Paula struggled to say something positive. Because Jason had shot the tambourine man he was sent home as punishment.

Top 3 Week: After introducing all sorts of format changes the Idol producers went back to the traditional Top 3 format. Each of the contestants sang a song chosen by one of the judges, a song chosen by the Idol producers, and a song chosen by themselves. After laying low for the previous few weeks David Cook generated goose bumps and tears in the audience with his rock ballad version of “The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face”, chosen for him by Simon. It is the second year in a row that Simon chose the song for the eventual winner. Rocker Dude later brought tears to Paula’s face with his song choice, “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”. Syesha showed exactly what type of artist she is with the producer’s choice for her (“Fever”), an actress with nice legs and a big voice who is destined for the next traveling company of Rent. Perhaps in an attempt to get back at the producers for forcing them to put through all of the ringers this season Randy and Simon both criticized the producers’ song choices. Simon compared David Archuleta’s awkward version of “With You” (chosen by the producers) to a Chihuahua pretending to be a tiger. The best comment, though, came from the anchorman in Kansas City who asked Rocker Dude “Are you really going to sing Roberta Flack?” The results show was the best of the season, as we got to see extensive footage of each contestant’s personal appearances back home and each contestant was given their video sendoff before the results were announced. To the surprise of no one Ryan revealed that the final two were David and David and Syesha was sent off.

The Finale, from the Nokia Theater: The Idol producers stole my idea and used a boxing match motif throughout the show, though they played it out much more than I would have. Really, did we need to hear Jim Lampley talk about hitting the body? Clive Davis ended his boycott and came back to the show to chose one of the final songs and Weber came back to give some more entertaining advice, especially about the songs from the songwriting contest. David Archuleta put some suspense into the final results by acing all three of his sappy ballads: “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” (Clive’s choice), “In This Moment” (from the songwriting competition), and a reprise of “Imagine”. Randy and Simon both declared Wonder Boy the winner, though Simon later apologized for being disrespectful to David Cook. Paula was non-committal as usual. Rocker Dude disappointed both men with Clive’s choice “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” and his choice “The World I Know”, though at the end he finally joined the crying parade. I think every Top 12 contestant, except perhaps Amanda, cried at least one on stage this season. After the bloated finale featuring a performance by the bloated George Michael, Ryan told the world that David Cook is your American Idol for Season 7.

The Final Score: 176 shots at Drunk Chick Paula, 97 shots at Captain Jack Sparrow Simon, 92 shots at The Dawg Randy, 99 shots at Trained Seal Ryan, 35 shots at the Peanut Gallery audience, 30 shots at the mentors (with Mariah getting the most with 9), 17 Chris Daughtry references (thanks to David Cook being on every show), 6 Kelly Clarkson references, and 46 references to other former Idol contestants, including 11 on the Idol Gives Back show when I was in need of inspiration.

Your Three Stars of the Season: David Cook’s performance of “The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face” was my favorite this year and went a long way towards his eventual victory. David Archuleta’s performance of “Imagine” during Top 20 week was the best of the semis and set him up as the one to beat. The rest were not all that memorable, though Kristy Lee Cook’s choice of “God Bless the USA” is worth some mention for the pure audacity of it. Other notable mentions include:

David Cook, “Always Be My Baby”, from Mariah Carey week;
David Archuleta, “Don’t Let the Sun Go down on Me”, from the finale;
Jason Castro, “Somewhere over the Rainbow”, from Idol Gives Back week;
Michael Johns, “It’s So Wrong but It’s So Right”, from Dolly Parton week;
Syesha Mercado, “Yesterday”, from Beatles week;
Chikezie Eeze, “She’s A Woman” from Lennon/McCartney week;
David Cook, “Hello” and Jason Castro, “Hallelujah” from 80’s week;
Ramiele Malubay, “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”, from 60’s week;
David Hernandez, “Love The One You’re With”; David Archuleta, “Heaven”; Carly Smithson, “How Do I Get You Alone”; and Syesha Mercado, “Chain Of Fools”; all from Hollywood Week;
And of course, Renaldo Lapuz, “Brothers Forever”, from the auditions.

Even though she is not technically eligible, I have to give three stars to Paula Abdul for her unique way of telling contestants “yes”, her contributions to the English lexicon, her sage advice about earpieces, and last but certainly not least her visions into the future. Without her no one outside of David Cook’s family and teenagers in Utah would have remembered anything about this season.

The Fearless Prediction Looks Back: I finished the season above .500 with a 12-11 record, boasted mostly by my 8-4 mark in the semis. In the finals I correctly predicted Chikeze’s, Kristy’s, Jason’s, and Syesha’s departures. I could claim that I had Danny Noriega, David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay, and Brooke White in the bottom 3 on the weeks that they were voted off as victories, but this is not Dial Idol so I won’t add that to my record. I did not see Amanda Overmyer or Carly Smithson leaving the week that they did and the one week that I did not predict Michael Johns would be in the bottom 3 was the week he was voted off. Yes, I did predict that David Archuleta would win over David Cook, but so did my fellow judges Randy and Simon.

And now, the special treat. The Fearless Predictor Presents: What the Top 12 Will Do When They Grow Up

David Cook will have a mildly successful first album, an awful second album that will cause Clive Davis to dump him from the label, and then will end up doing musical theater and singing the Idol going home song 5 years from now, if the show lasts that long. Basically an emo version of Ruben Stoddard.

David Archuleta will make a ton of commercials, will be alienated from everyone else on the summer tour, will have a first album that will bomb, then achieve success doing Disney musicals with Miley Cyrus who he will be linked to romantically by TMZ and People magazine. By age 23 David will rebel from his Stage Dad, put out a rock album that will be poorly received but draw the attention of car crash enthusiasts, then finally go through drug rehab and emerge with a decent career on the nostalgia circuit just like George Michael, or maybe Britney Spears.

Syesha Mercado, as mentioned above, is destined for a touring company of Rent, and may get lucky and have Andrew Lloyd Weber write a part for her in his next musical, and of course your local Ford dealers will want her back to do some more spots for them.

Jason Castro will either be coming to a coffee house near you or will fade into obscurity and probably won’t care either way.

Brooke White will be very successful making albums for children, then after seeing her first R-rated movie will go into a sex and drug binge that will put her in the same rehab clinic as David Archuleta.

Carly Smithson will never get another record deal but will parlay her fame on the show to increased business at her San Diego Irish bar and tattoo parlor by offering 2 for 1 deals on either Guinness or tattoos on nights that she sings.

Kristy Lee Cook will enjoy the most successful music career of all of the Top 12 contestants making country music records because country music fans love their Idols. If Bucky Covington and Kellie Pickler can make a career out of country music then there’s no stopping Kristy Lee.

Michael Johns will make an album that will bomb so bad that his label will dump him, then after sitting at home for 2 or 3 years claiming that the label didn’t promote him well enough he will finally come to his senses, hook up with a decent rock band, and end up with an average career.

Ramiele Malubay will play before packed houses in Manila and will appear in numerous Tagalog movies and soap operas but will never be seen in the United States again except for the sex tapes that will appear on You Tube.

Chikezie Eeze has already gone back to working security at LAX and looks forward to the day he gets to go through Paula Abdul’s bags again.

Amanda Overmyer will sing and run up the tab in bars all over the Midwest as well as Carly’s bar in San Diego, then semi-sober up and have 6 kids and a home in the suburbs.

David Hernandez will set up a one-stop shop for all of your wedding entertainment needs. He’ll sing at your wedding and at your reception, and for only $50 more he’ll perform at your bachelorette party too.

That’s it, I am done for 2008. I hope you all enjoyed the ride as much as I enjoyed bringing it to you. Now I can go back to regular bed time hours and workouts on Tuesdays and Wednesdays again, at least until January rolls around and it’s time for Season Number 8. Will Paula return? Will Simon and Ryan finally consummate their simmering relationship? Will Randy find another act that he’s produced to appear as a mentor? Will the show jump the shark? Will the producers screw it up even more in a desperate attempt to regain their ratings? Will any of you care? Hopefully I will be there to lay it all on the line for you, and maybe by then I will have told my Mom that I’m writing this blog. Enjoy your summer everyone.

Happy Trails!
Taij